How do I deal with a score-keeper?

October 26, 2006 8:37 PM

How do I deal with a relentless 'score-keeper'?

My roommate and I are friends, but it's bothersome and worrisome that he doesn't seem to have a concept of altruism. Whenever he does me a favor (even if I didn't ask for it, want it, or appreciate it), he'll expect me to reciprocate, quickly and with equal value. Usually, the 'favor-deal' is set up before any favors are exchanged, and he barters (and expects me to) on the terms of the deal. I find this entire process kind of sickening.

I understand that in relationships there's a general notion of reciprocity in giving, but my friend seems to run his relationships more like a bank.

Is this just how some people function? Am I being too judgemental? If not, is there any way to deal with (or change) this type of behavior?

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 comments total)

Being roommates with a scorekeeper is a pretty dangerous game without friendship there to lighten things up.

Perhaps it's best to just try to affect change just by your example. Do something nice for him, and when he immediately starts talking about what he can do for you, or when he does something "in exchange", just look sort of surprised, then give him a pitying smile and say, "look man, don't worry about it. That's just not how I consider things."

If you are consistent with this, over time he might ask you to elaborate. OR he will just think you are a sap. But doubtless he was raised to be this way, and short of either huge debates or emotional episodes he is not going to change... that's just not how he considers things.
posted by hermitosis at 8:58 PM on October 26, 2006

The only reason I can think of that this is anonymous is that your roommate reads metafilter too. Hi, roommate!

I agree with you, having read only your side of this! However I'm sympathetic to your plight; I lived four years with a secret score-keeper and only after I moved out did I find out how furious he was with me all the time. The constant tension (what was causing it? I didn't know!) and aftermath basically ruined our friendship.

Maybe you can avoid playing this game without requiring him to change. Tell him you don't think of favors or friendship that way. If he needs to do strict accounting, that's his business, but you ask that he not do any favors that send your balance negative. If he has to refuse to take you to the airport or whatever, fine. That's better than building up resentment to do it.

On the other side make it clear that you're not requiring he "pay you back" for stuff you help him with. If you fix his computer or something, that's fine; he's your friend and you don't mind.

Of course for the actually housing finances (bills, etc), and household maintenance chores you should be negotiating fair deals.
posted by aubilenon at 9:38 PM on October 26, 2006

Good advice so far.

It took me too long to figure out that if the friendship is otherwise worth it, you have to let this kind of stuff go. That's even if it means you have to suffer silently a little. You don't have to enable him but beating him or yourself up over it isn't going to help either. You can at least take silent satisfaction in the knowledge that you're being more mature than roomie (but if you bring this to his attention the deal is off.)

And, assuming he's past high-school age, he probably isn't going to change so I wouldn't try too hard to make that happen. Accepting that is part of being mature too - that also took me too long to figure out.

Of course, if it's really unbearable you should find a new housing situation. But give it a chance first.
posted by Opposite George at 9:50 PM on October 26, 2006

Some people do just work this way. I would make an effort to get out of a living together + friendship arrangement with one of them, though. Friendship alone, ok. Living together but not really being friends, ok. But both, it would drive me bananas. I don't think you're being too judgmental.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:01 PM on October 26, 2006

One question. Is this "score keeping" associated with the upkeep of the home/apartment? If so it sounds like the problem would be he feels you don't do enough of the choirs to pull your weight. It's indirect, but it's classic.

If that's not it, just do something nice for him and if he starts bargaining, tell him your not keeping score and save it. If he's confused, tell him you did it to be nice and not to get something back; that you don't want someone to do something back because they feel obligated, but that they genuinely want to do it of their own accord. It should make it your feelings on the subject fairly clear.

BTW- In nature, true altruism is selected against pretty heavily.
posted by JakeLL at 10:07 PM on October 26, 2006

Buy a copy of Atlas Shrugged, giftwrap it, and leave it on the kitchen table with a card saying "I bought this for you because you're such a special person".

Atlas Shrugged is basically the scorekeeper's Bible, and the cognitive dissonance induced by receiving it gratis will melt his tiny accountant's brain. Either that, or he'll just think you're taking the piss; which sounds long overdue, to me.
posted by flabdablet at 10:22 PM on October 26, 2006 [2 favorites]

Do nice things, expect no return for it, deny any sort of return favor for a while. It might be picking up the bill for a pizza or grabbing something from the store that you're both getting. You can't keep a constant total -- I have a running drinks "tab" with a friend where we will alternate who buys drinks for the night, but we certainly don't expect it to come out even every time.

Just make sure he knows you don't care, and watch to see if he adjusts accordingly or if he becomes a mooch. You have to watch out for that sort of case, because some people just keep totals to make sure they're not losing out.
posted by mikeh at 10:47 PM on October 26, 2006

I second LobsterMitton. Been there, done that with some good friends. Went from being as such to mortal enemies because we roomed with eachother. If we hadn't, I'm sure we'd still be friends today.
Even so, I learned a great lesson from that experience about being picky which friends I live with. So my suggestion is learn from living with this kind of roommate and what to watch out for in the future.
posted by jmd82 at 5:57 AM on October 27, 2006

:I lived four years with a secret score-keeper and only after I moved out did I find out how furious he was with me all the time. The constant tension (what was causing it? I didn't know!) and aftermath basically ruined our friendship.:

Yep, me too. At least yours is out in the open.

I would second the "do nice things for free" advice. Put him in your debt.
(If possible, save his life. Then he'll never be able to repay you.)
posted by klangklangston at 6:39 AM on October 27, 2006

Having lived with many different roommates in an expensive city, my first reaction was to guess that your roommate has been burned one too many times by past roommates who constantly took (perhaps on a small scale, but the toll certainly adds up) and rarely or never gave. The question might be how to convince him you won't descend into this behavior (many people seem fine at first, then get more and more take-y).
posted by lorimer at 6:55 AM on October 27, 2006

Axiom: Don't move in with friends. Save time and move in with enemies to begin with.

Seriously, though. He's your friend? Talk to him about it. Maybe he has no idea that it bothers you. If he can't stop being like that and you can't stand it, find another place to live. That way you can still have the friend when all is said and done. Save both of you the aggravation. (Personally, I can't stand the tit for tat mentality you're describing, but that's just me.)
posted by Meep! Eek! at 8:07 AM on October 27, 2006

chiming in as another "don't move in with friends" person.

i had a "score keeper" live with me for a summer. it was horrible because she was the type of person who would itemize everytime i took a bite of her salad/ate a chip she bought, but would get mad if i asked her to let me use my computer or chip in on the phone bill. needless to say, our friendship died shortly after she moved out. i knew going in it was a bad idea, but i had to help out. (she was coming back from study abroad and he original housing plans fell through and i was the only person who could help.)

if he'll recognize his "debt" if you do nice things for him, then that is probably a good thing to try. unfortunately my ex-roommate/friend was totally oblivious to this, which just irritated me more.
posted by kendrak at 10:20 AM on October 27, 2006

In my experience this behaviour is learned, and can be un-learned best by demonstrating and reinforcing the folly and long-term inefficiency of score-keeping. Show them by your actions that score-keeping is usually unnecessary, and indeed detrimental to groups/friends over time.

My basic solution is to aggresively un-scorekeep (as mentioned above) - purposely and clearly forget anything that could possibly be scored, brush off any mention of scoring with a who-gives-a-damn shrug. Eventually the party in question is forced to mellow out, partly due to embarrassment and partly due to chill-the-hell-out-osmosis.

There's probably more to it than that, depending on the personality in question, but my basic theory is to show them, over time, why score keeping is not in their interest (their interest being the crux of the matter ;) ).
posted by MetaMonkey at 10:50 AM on October 27, 2006

Start doing things for him secretly (a la Amelie).

Fix it so he knows someone did something- but in such a way that he cannot figure out who.

That should drive him nuts and maybe it will break him of the cycle of reciprocation.

Or... maybe he really feels entitled, in which case your secret altrustism will only feed his ego. I hope that's not it.

Along these lines, I lived too long with someone who took it to an even more relationship-killing extreme... not only were all interactions transactions, everything was also a competition. Regardless of the situation, one person was always the winner and one was the loser. What fun that was.

I sympathize and hope you can find a way to school him on how to be a more user-friendly human being.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 2:41 PM on October 27, 2006

I would talk to him -- tell him yor feelings, and let him know the score-keeping makes you uncomfortable.
posted by eustacescrubb at 1:39 PM on October 28, 2006