Know any good Bush jokes?

October 18, 2006 6:50 AM

So George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, and Kim Jong-Il walk into a bar...

Do you know any good Bush jokes or funny anecdotes?

For a project I'm presenting a funny story or anecdote told from Bush's perspective to a fictional audience of world leaders.

I don't know where to start so I thought I'd try to string together several jokes or stories into one narrative. Raunchy, and offensive is fine - topical is even better.

(FYI, I'm not purposely trying to snark on the president via this question.)

posted by wfrgms to law & government (24 comments total)

What do you mean by "from Bush's perspective"?
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:53 AM on October 18, 2006

Probably something like the joke about a Brazilian being killed in Iraq and Bush says "how many is a brazilian?"
posted by sciurus at 6:56 AM on October 18, 2006

Yeah, that's the first one I thought of and wondered if that would be what he's looking for.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:59 AM on October 18, 2006

Why not just quote what he has actually said? An example: "And I suspect that what you'll see, Toby, is there will be a momentum, momentum will be gathered. Houses will begat jobs, jobs will begat houses." Speaking with reporters along the Gulf Coast, Gulfport, Miss., Aug. 28, 2006. From Slate.com's Bushisms: The president's accidental wit and wisdom, compiled by Jacob Weisberg.
posted by Carol Anne at 7:01 AM on October 18, 2006

...when Hillary says to Kim Jong-Il, you think you have a bomb? Wait 'till you see my presidential campaign!
posted by 4ster at 7:04 AM on October 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

OK, that was a Hillary joke, my apologies.
posted by 4ster at 7:05 AM on October 18, 2006

...the bartender takes one look at them and says "what is this, some kind of joke?"
posted by Meatbomb at 7:07 AM on October 18, 2006

Two words: The Aristocrats.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 7:24 AM on October 18, 2006

"For a project I'm presenting a funny story or anecdote told from Bush's perspective to a fictional audience of world leaders."


Bush likes to give foreign leaders nicknames and to run their shoulders. (Really.)
posted by orthogonality at 7:24 AM on October 18, 2006

So George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, and Kim Jong-Il walk into a bar...

It just doesn't seem very likely
posted by ob at 8:03 AM on October 18, 2006

"Rub," I think you meant, Ortho, as in the incident with Chancellor Merkel.
posted by SlyBevel at 8:03 AM on October 18, 2006

So George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, and Kim Jong-Il walk into a bar... and the bartender says, "what will you have?"

george w bush says, "i'll have a fifth of whiskey ... me, hillary and kim here have a bet that one of us can be the last person drinking in this bar"

hillary says, "i'll have two fifths of whiskey ... i'm not only going to be the last person drinking in this bar, but i'm going to drink twice as much as w"

kim jong-il smiles and says, "i'll have a gallon of milk and a gas mask"

the bartender says, "a gallon of milk and a gas mask?"

"i'm lactose intolerant ... by the time i get through drinking my milk, i WILL be the last person drinking in this bar"
posted by pyramid termite at 8:18 AM on October 18, 2006

Bush is in a school in rural America. He comes in and sits down, once the Secret Service have swept for bugs and bombs. The teacher says:
"Mr President, today we're having a discussion about the word 'Tragedy' - would you like to lead it."

Bush nods and says "Now, can anyone tell me what a tragedy is?"
Little Bobby puts his hand up and saus "Mr President, a tragedy would be if my dog Bongo got hit by a truck."
Bush replies, "Well, not quite, the relatively low cost to the nation during the fight against the terrists would mean we would have to call that an accident."
Little Stewey puts his hand up next. "Mr President, if me and my classmates were in the schoolbus, and we hit a bump in the road and the bus went off a cliff and we all died, that'd be a tragedy."
Bush shakes his head and says, "Well, y'see, I think you'll find that's more accurately categorestimated as a 'great loss'"
Finally, Little Johnny puts his hand up. "Mr President, if you and Mrs President was in Air Force One, and a terrist came along with a bazooka, and he shot it down and you all died in a flaming ball of metal and steel, that'd be a tragedy."

Bush nods enthusiastically and says "That's right young man, those pesky terrists - now can you tell the class why that's a tragedy."

Little Johnny thinks a second, and then he answers.

"Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
posted by Happy Dave at 8:20 AM on October 18, 2006 [9 favorites]

Bush and the Queen of England are talking. Bush asks the queen, "How is it that you've found such smart, trustworthy people to run your country?" The Queen replies, "I test them to see how smart they are. Watch this." and she calls in Tony Blair.

When Tony Blair arrives the Queen asks him, "Your mother had a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?" And Tony Blair says, "The son is me!"

"Yes, very impressive," says Bush, and he heads back to the US. Back a the White House, Bush calls Karl Rove into his office. He says, "Karl, your mother had a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?" Karl Rove looks confused. "This will take some investigation."

Karl wanders around the White House until he runs into Colin Powell. "Colin Powell," he asks "Your mother had a son, but the son is not your brother, who is he?" And Colin Powell says, "that's easy, the son is me!" Karl Rove rushes back to the president.

"George," Karl says, "The son is Colin Powell!"

George Bush shakes his head. "No you idiot! The son is Tony Blair!"
posted by serazin at 8:23 AM on October 18, 2006 [6 favorites]

To rewrite a golden oldie.

So George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, and Kim Jong-Il walk into a bar in Texas/North Korea/Baghdad/Arkansas. They are captured by terrorists (sorry, turrurrists) who say they are going to kill them. They discuss what to do and agree that the terrorists are frightened by potential disasters and decide to use those to frighten them. Kim goes first and, as the firing squad lines up, he shouts out "Earthquake! Earthquake!" The firing squad runs away and he escapes. Hillary is next and she shouts out "Hurricane! Hurricane!" and they all run away. Then it is George's turn. As the firing squad lines up, he shouts "Fire!"
posted by TheRaven at 8:28 AM on October 18, 2006

"Remember the Alamo!", and then he grabs Hillary and throws her out of the plane
posted by matteo at 8:46 AM on October 18, 2006

Thanks serazin. I LOL'd.
posted by stinkycheese at 9:06 AM on October 18, 2006

What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
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Bush knew how to get out of the Vietnam War.
posted by filmgeek at 9:54 AM on October 18, 2006 [4 favorites]

Dubya, Cheney and Rumsfeld are flying in on Air Force One when George peers out the window and says "You know, I could throw a thousand dollar bill out the window and make one person really happy." Cheney, not to be outdone answers "well I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people really happy." Rumsfeld, chiming in, says "well I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make 100 people really happy."

The pilot, having overheard this conversation in the cockpit, leans over to the co-pilot and says "We could throw all 3 of them out the window and make 175 million people really happy!"
posted by daHIFI at 9:57 AM on October 18, 2006 [2 favorites]

So Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld are stuck in a life raft in the middle of the Pacific and they're running out of food... who survives?

[let your friends debate, invariably Cheney is the meanest and cruelest, so...]


Punchline:


You ready?














The world.


Heh.
posted by trinarian at 10:43 AM on October 18, 2006

daHIFI : "We could throw all 3 of them out the window and make 175 million people really happy!"

Ha! I like it, though you could probably up the ante to a more worldwide number, like "a couple of billion", though the specifics inherent in your statement do have a nice ring to them as well.
posted by quin at 11:17 AM on October 18, 2006

So George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, and Kim Jong-Il walk into a bar...

You'd think one of them would've ducked.
posted by theora55 at 11:57 AM on October 18, 2006

Bush and the Queen of England are outside the bar talking. Bush asks the queen, "How is it that you've found such smart, trustworthy people to run your country?" The Queen replies, "I test them to see how smart they are. Watch this," and she calls over Tony Blair's cousin Bob.

When Bob arrives the Queen puts her hand against a tree. "Punch my hand as hard as you can, Bob," she says.

Bob takes a huge wind-up, and just as he's about to hit the Queen's hand, she pulls it away, and he smashes his knuckles against the tree. He walks away howling with pain.

"That's why I hired Tony instead," the Queen told Bush. "He refused to do it."

"Yes, very impressive," says Bush. He heads back into the bar to test Karl Rove.

"Karl, I want you to punch my hand as hard as you can. It's a test, hehhehheh."

But looking around, Bush realized there were no trees in the bar he could put his hand on. Thinking quickly, he put it on his own face....
posted by salvia at 1:11 PM on October 18, 2006

Here's one:

Q: Why did George Bush cross the road?

A: Because he's a fuckhead.
posted by horsewithnoname at 9:36 AM on October 24, 2006