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Last time, you didn't have holes in your feet!
March 22, 2013 4:49 PM   Subscribe

My father passed away this morning. I'm going through his file, and I came across JOKES.TXT ... which contains only the punchlines. Can the Mind please tell me the jokes?

Smart Pills > Rabbit Pellets
Face like Sr. Wences' fist
Ghost/Goat
Wife, brother, monkey, crash, Monkey Driving
Jesus/Pinocchio
Wendy/Welcome to Jamaica
Sheep/I wish it was dark
That Sheep Lies!
Death or Bungee
I was talking to the duck!
More fun than watching a monkey try to fuck a coconut
More ducks on that side
It's your wife's handwriting
10-inch dick & hangs up
Bear: You don't come here just to hunt, do you
George Bush/Snapping Turtle
Talking golf ball more amusing
Genie, 3 wishes, visit to vet
Read my lips: bring a posse!
Priest, Minister, Rabbi; last wish, fork, Fuck your boat!
Last time you didn't have holes in your feet.
I'm going to have to numm those
Duck hunter license for each state - cop's fingers up duck's ass
Indian names, tepee, soaring eagle, running deer, 2 dogs fucking
polish joke, bar, tell it six times
nice tits, where do you want these blinds
a round of drinks, no thanks, blew chunks
lorena bobbitt dead in crash, some dick cut her off
goddam fish, love this fucking place
Brick the camel
Designated decoy
posted by dmd to Society & Culture (75 answers total) 445 users marked this as a favorite
 
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.

I can address "I was talking to the duck":

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A drunkard turns to her and says "That's the ugliest looking pig I've ever seen." The woman replies, "Sir, this is a duck!" The man responds, "I was talking to the duck!"
posted by telegraph at 4:53 PM on March 22, 2013 [20 favorites]


There are a lot of variations with different kinds of bears and elaborations, but the bear joke is this one. (Standard warning: Rape joke.)
posted by brennen at 4:53 PM on March 22, 2013


I'm sorry for your loss.

The Lorena Bobbitt one might be the whole joke. Did you hear that Lorena Bobbitt died in a car crash? Yeah, some dick cut her off.

She was the person who lopped off her husband's penis and threw it out a car window.
posted by veerat at 4:55 PM on March 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Walking on Water

It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake....and falls
knee deep in water.

Moses says, "Well....maybe you need a head start or something, why not
go to the end of the dock and try."

So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and
falls up to his waist.

Moses says, " Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the
lake and try there."

So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about
to step off and try again when...

Moses says, "Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state
of mind you were in the first time you did it."

So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he's all
psyched up, and steps out of the canoe.... ..and precedes to drown.
So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat.
Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn't see what's
going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat.
Suddenly, Moses says, "I got it! I know what's wrong! Did you have those
holes in your feet last time?!?!"
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:55 PM on March 22, 2013 [117 favorites]


[excuse use of random ethnicities, insert your own]

Three lonely guys walking along, see a sheep with its head stuck in a fence, hind end pointed alluringly towards them. The American guy looks over longingly and goes "man, I wish that was Cindy Crawford". The Australian guy goes "mate, I wish that was Rachel Hunter".

The Scottish guy looks over and goes "Heck with that... I wish it was dark!"
posted by ftm at 4:57 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Sorry for your loss... What an interesting document though.

I think the Bush/turtle one is probably this:

A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.

Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle."

Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?"

Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."
posted by jorlyfish at 4:57 PM on March 22, 2013 [49 favorites]


When ducks fly in a V formation do you know why one side is longer than the other? Because there are more ducks on that side.
posted by O9scar at 4:59 PM on March 22, 2013 [77 favorites]


Wendy/Welcome to Jamaica

White guy gets his girlfriend's name (Wendy) tattooed on his dick. One day he's peeing and the Black man in the next urinal also has Wendy tattooed on his dick.
Black man explains "When it's erect, it reads "Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day!"
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:00 PM on March 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


So sorry for your loss.

My guess at the Indian Names one is that it has something to do with a non-Indian encountering an Indian with an unusual name and being told "we get our names based on the first thing that our father sees when he looks out the teepee after we're born" or something like that. Hence the brothers Soaring Eagle, Running Deer, and...

And the sheep lies one - it's about a ventriloquist whose car breaks down at the edge of a field where a farmer's plowing, and he asks to use a phone and the farmer says sure, and is walking him back through the field to his farm.

As they're walking, the ventriloquist decides to have a bit of fun as they pass one of the cows and asks the farmer "hey, does your cow talk?" the farmer says of course not, and the ventriloquist says "let's find out" and calls over to the cow, asking how it is to live there. Then he throws his voice to make the cow answer "oh, yeah, it's good, I get lots of hay, he warms his hands before he milks me, it's all good". The farmer is, of course, surprised.

Then they pass the horse and the ventriloquist says "how about the horse?" The farmer says "didn't think so, but now I'm not sure," and the ventriloquist throws his voice to have a conversation with the horse. The farmer is again surprised.

Then they pass the sheep. The ventriloquist again says "well, how about the sheep, does he talk?" And the farmer very quickly and nervously says "yes, but he lies!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:00 PM on March 22, 2013 [29 favorites]


Indian names, tepee, soaring eagle, running deer, 2 dogs fucking

This one is about an Indian introducing his kids to somebody (a pilgrim maybe?). "This is Soaring Eagle" etc. The pilgrim asks how he comes up with the names and the Indian says its the first thing he sees when he steps out of the teepee that day or something. The pilgrim thinks that's great until he meets the youngest son, Two Dogs Fucking.

This is the joke told very poorly, but that's the general idea.
posted by dogwalker at 5:00 PM on March 22, 2013


nice tits, where do you want these blinds

The lady had just stepped out of the shower when the doorbell rang. Thinking it was another solicitation she asked who's there?

"I'm the blind guy," came the answer.

So, without bothering to get a towel, she gets her change purse and opens the door....
posted by mule98J at 5:01 PM on March 22, 2013 [23 favorites]


I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think the punchline in your father's list, rather than in Obscure Reference's version of the Christ/Moses joke, is correct (and makes more sense), since the story in which Jesus walked on water took place before he was crucified. And now, post-Crucifixion, he can't walk on water because…there are holes in his feet! Ba-dum-bum.
posted by honey wheat at 5:01 PM on March 22, 2013


I'm sorry for your loss.

This is one of the very few times having a duck hunting SO is useful:

So a duck hunter gets stopped by a game warden who asks to inspect his strap of ducks. Warden shoves his finger up the ass of the first duck, a drake mallard, pulls out his finger, sniffs it and says, "This here is a Californian duck. Do you have a California state hunting license?" Hunter digs in his bag, comes up with a California state hunting license. Warden moves onto the next duck [repeat above with as many different states and types of ducks as your audience can stand]. Warden is pretty pissed off that he can't find anything to write the hunter up on so he says, "So where are you from, carrying all these different state licenses?" and the hunter spins around, drops trou, bends over and says "You're so smart, you tell me."

It's much funnier after a day in the marsh
posted by jamaro at 5:02 PM on March 22, 2013 [8 favorites]


Oooh! My mom told me the designated decoy one when I was a kid:

A cop is camped out in the parking lot of the local pub around closing time when a group of guys comes out. One is obviously stumbling, and bumbles around trying to find his car ... after trying his key in several, he finally finds the right one and proceeds to drive away. The cop immediately pulls him over, and is astounded when the breathalyzer shows no alcohol. Guy smiles and says "I'm the designated decoy".
posted by Metasyntactic at 5:09 PM on March 22, 2013 [16 favorites]


Oh wait. I misread Obscure Reference's punchline (I read "did" as "didn't"); I apologize for coming off like a know-it-all.

Here's the posse joke:

A cowboy is captured by a gang of Indians. They say they're going to kill him, but since they feel sorry for him they'll give him three more days to live and a wish on each day. The first day, the cowboy asks to see his horse. They bring his horse, he whispers in the horse's ear, the horse gallops off and comes back with a gorgeous blonde. Blonde and cowboy disappear into the cowboy's tent. Next day cowboy asks for his horse again, whispers to him again, horse comes back with a redhead this time. Finally, on the third day the cowboy asks to see his horse one more time. Cowboy yells at his horse, "For the last time! Read my lips: I told you to bring a POSSE!"
posted by honey wheat at 5:10 PM on March 22, 2013 [11 favorites]


"brick the camel" is a joke this older guy I know used to tell; I don't actually think it's funny, but I guess it's one of those that depends on having a good delivery:
This guy named Joe was going into the desert for a week and he needed a camel for the trip. Joe was a stranger to the desert but was able to locate a rent-a-camel office. Joe tells the rent-a-camel man that he will be making a long trip through the desert for one week. The rent-a-camel man says even his best camel can only go 4 days without water. After some discussion, the rent-a-camel man says "I don't like to suggest this, but you know a good camel can go an extra 3 days or more if he is bricked." Joe agrees to take the best camel. As he leaves the rent-a-camel office, the rent-a-camel man reminds Joe to brick the camel. Not wanting to display his ignorance, Joe doesn't ask about the procedure for bricking the camel. Sure enough 4 days into the trip the camel drops dead. Joe barely makes it back to town alive and can't wait to confront the rent-a-camel man. "You rented me a terrible camel," Joe says, "It died after only 4 days in the desert, and I almost perished with it." The puzzled rent-a-camel man looks up at Joe and says, "He was my best camel. Did you brick him?" Mad as hell, Joe replies, "Brick him, what the hell do you mean." The rent-a-camel man explains that when the camel bends over to take water, you take two bricks and slam his gonads between them, as the camel gasps with his head in the water he takes on another 3 to 4 day supply of water. "My GOD", Joe says," Doesn't that hurt?" The rent-a-camel man answers, "No! Just keep your thumbs out of the way when you slam the bricks together."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:12 PM on March 22, 2013 [6 favorites]


One is the generic version of this: At the height of the Watergate scandal, they discovered that someone had peed "Impeach Nixon!" in the snow just outside the White House fence. The FBI did a lab analysis and sent an agent in to see the President. He said, "Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news and some worse news. The analysis shows that it's Kissinger's urine." Nixon explodes and says "That's it! I'm gonna fire that son of a bitch! How could he? What's the worse news?" The agent says, "I'm afraid it's Pat's handwriting."
posted by Snerd at 5:13 PM on March 22, 2013 [42 favorites]


You have my heartfelt sympathy.

Here's the Jesus / Pinocchio joke:

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?

"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."
Jesus asked: "What did he look like?" "Well" replied the old man, "he had holes in his hands and feet."

Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"
posted by Too-Ticky at 5:17 PM on March 22, 2013 [38 favorites]


I recognize two.

Barack Obama looks out the White House window one winter morning to discover that someone has written "Obama has a tiny dick!" in the snow in pee. He immediately contacts his security staff to investigate. His head of security contacts him that night: "I've got good news and bad news," he says. "OK, good news first," Obama replies. "Well, sir, the good news is, we found whose pee that is in the snow. It's Joe Biden's." "Biden's! What the hell?!" replies Obama. "OK, what's the bad news, then?" "Well sir," says the head of security... "It's your wife's handwriting."

Two patrol officers are trying to come up with a way to meet their ticket quotas for the month. "I know!" says one. "It's almost 2AM. Let's go out to Joe's Tavern and wait for the drunks to come out at closing. Easy DUI arrests!" "Great idea, let's go!" says the other cop. The two cops hide out of sight at Joe's, and sure enough, at closing time the first guy out of the bar is so sloppy drunk he can barely walk; he hangs on the bannister, the fence, and everything between the bar and his car. As the rest of the bar patrons file out, he's fumbling with his keys, unable to get them into the door, swaying back and forth like a rocking chair. By the time they guy finally gets behind the wheel, his is the only car left in the lot. The cops close in just as he starts his engine and pull him out of his car. Upon giving him a breathalyzer and dexterity tests, the cops are amazed to discover that the guy blows "0.0" and he performs the dexterity tests with ease. "You looked wasted, what's going on?" the cops demand. The guy grins. "My turn to be the designated decoy."
posted by Rykey at 5:19 PM on March 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


So sorry for your loss; I know how much losing a parent hurts.

As for your father's file: my first thought when you wrote that it only has the punchlines, is that, THAT'S THE JOKE, AND IT'S ON YOU! Not so much that it was a collection of jokes he was saving, but that he was making one last big one on his family..... kind of a "remember me with laughter" file.
posted by easily confused at 5:24 PM on March 22, 2013 [25 favorites]


More ducks on that side

O9scar outlines the riddle above, but it's worth mentioning that this one works best deployed not as a joke but as a casual bit of trivia tossed off when you see a V of birds in formation.

Person 1 [points to birds]: Hey, y'know when you see birds flying in V-formation? And sometimes one side of the V is longer than the other? You know why that is?
Person 2: No, why?
Person 1: More birds on that side.

If you do it casually enough and your friends are sufficiently curious about random subjects, you may even be able to use it on the same person more than once. I caught my own much-missed father with that gag several times. My sorrow for your loss, and thank you for that happy memory.
posted by Elsa at 5:24 PM on March 22, 2013 [43 favorites]


I've heard death or bungee as "death or bunga bunga." I think it's not funny in multiple ways, but since you asked...

Three explorers are in a remote jungle when they're captured by a local tribe. They're taken to the chief and given two options: death or bunga bunga. (Or apparently sometimes bungee or oogabooga.)

The first explorer assumes that nothing can be worse than death, so he opts for bunga bunga. Dozens of men from the tribe line up and give it to the explorer in the ass.

The second explorer is given the same choice. He's obviously none too thrilled by bunga bunga, but he reasons that at least it's not permanent, so he opts for it. He gets it from hundreds of men.

The third explorer is given the choice. Having seen what happened to the first two, he says "Hell with it, I'll take death."

And the chief says, "Okay...death by bunga bunga."

It's racist as hell, but there you go.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by ActionPopulated at 5:32 PM on March 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


Lovely lady is having back problems because of the size of her breasts. She goes to see a plastic surgeon for breast reduction surgery to take some of the load off of her back. The surgeon examines her and says, "Well, I can do the surgery and it will likely help your back a lot. But, I'm going to have to numb those first." She says, "Okay." So he sticks his face in between them, presses them against his head, and then moving his face side-to-side says, "Num, num, num, num, num...." (Hey, don't blame me for this one , blame your dad. :-) )

Sounds like he was a fun guy. I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by Neeuq Nus at 5:35 PM on March 22, 2013 [14 favorites]


I am so sorry for your loss.

I can answer the ghost/goat one. I am crap at relating jokes though.

So a paranormal convention is in town, and the most popular talk is one on encounters from the other side. Bob, who's running the session, asks if anyone present had seen a ghost. About half the crowd puts their hands up. Bob's pretty excited by this and asks if anyone present has talked to a ghost. Now only a handful of people have their hands up. Still pretty exciting so Bob ups the ante. Has anyone in the room actually slept with a ghost? One guy in the audience raises his hand.

"That's incredible" screams Bob, "you've actually slept with a ghost?"

"Oh", the guy says "Ghost? I thought you said goat"
posted by arha at 5:41 PM on March 22, 2013 [11 favorites]


This might be the 3 wishes/vet joke (if it isn't, it's still pretty good):

An old woman is sitting on her front porch when, suddenly, a genie appears and offers to grant her three wishes. "Well," she says, "first I'd like to be filthy rich." And so, her house instantly transforms into a lavish castle, and her rocking chair becomes solid gold.

The old lady then says, "For my second wish, I want to be a young, beautiful princess." The genie grants her wish, and she's got long, flowing hair, and the face and body of a supermodel.

"You have one wish left," the genie reminds her.

Just then, her pet cat jumps onto the porch and starts rubbing against her leg. The newly-minted princess points to the cat and says, "How about you make him a handsome prince?" And lo, the cat transforms into an impossibly gorgeous man. The princess can hardly believe her eyes.

The genie vanishes in a puff of smoke, his work done. The prince grins seductively at the princess, leans over, and whispers in her ear, "Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:16 PM on March 22, 2013 [20 favorites]


I think the genie joke might go like this:

An old widow bought an antique from a shop and brought it home. As she was polishing it up a genie burst from it and said, "You have awakened me from my slumber! I shall now grant you three wishes!"

The widow asked for a cottage in the country. The genie nodded his head, and suddenly she found herself holding the deed to a little place outside of town.

The widow then asked for enough money to be wealthy for the rest of her days. The genie nodded and suddenly they were surrounded by piles of money.

"You have one more wish," the genie said.

The widow pointed to her pet cat and said, "Ever since my dear husband died this cat has been my faithful companion. Please, turn him into a handsome young man who will make love to me just as my husband did."

The genie nodded and disappeared. Suddenly there was an extremely handsome young man standing where her cat used to be. The woman gasped with joy, but the man just glared at her and said, "Well, I bet now you're finally sorry you went to the vet and got me neutered."
posted by christinetheslp at 6:18 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'd heard a variation of one that's already been covered. In this version it's a kid asking how they get their names. Blah blah looked out the teepee after your brother was born, first thing I saw was a running deer, blah blah blah "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:24 PM on March 22, 2013 [6 favorites]


The "monkey was driving" joke may be the one a ways down on this page under the heading "Terrible Accident".

So sorry for your loss. Your father sounds like he was a real character!
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:25 PM on March 22, 2013


I'm sorry for your loss.

I remembered the Rabbit/smart pills one from my childhood (I think my dad used to tell a version of it). It's basically told here. Not quite what I remember, but close.

Thanks for the memory.
posted by loveyallaround at 6:30 PM on March 22, 2013


By the way, a lot of these remind me of the kind of jokes that appeared in the Truly Tasteless Jokes books from the '80s. (Fair warning: many of them are truly tasteless.) A couple of those punchlines sound vaguely familiar, and I bet I saw them in the Truly Tasteless book hidden in my dad's closet that I obviously wasn't supposed to find. Ohhh, dads.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:33 PM on March 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


So sorry for your loss. The "last wish, fork" joke:

A team of explorers is captured by a cannibal tribe and brought before the chief. The chief tells them that they will be killed and eaten, and their skins will be made into boats, but because they had fought so bravely each man could kill himself by a method of his own choosing.

The first explorer, an Englishman, says "I choose a pistol." He is given a gun, puts it to his head, says "God save the Queen!" and shoots himself.

The second explorer, a Frenchman, says "I choose a sword." One is provided, he shouts "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The last explorer, a New Yorker, says "Gimme a fork!" The chief is surprised, but provides him with one. The New Yorker grabs the fork and furiously stabs himself all over, until blood is pouring from every square inch of his body. With his last breath, he turns to the astonished chief and snarls "There goes your fucking boat!"
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:36 PM on March 22, 2013 [100 favorites]


I remember hearing the bear one, here's a version I found on the web:

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
posted by 445supermag at 6:40 PM on March 22, 2013 [41 favorites]


And a version of "I'm going to have to numm those" with a slightly different ending:

Gynecologist: I can see your nervous, would you like me to numb you down there?
Patient: Yes, thank you doctor...
Gynecologist (putting his head between patient's legs): NUM NUM NUM NUM!
posted by 445supermag at 6:44 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


The "polish joke, bar, tell it six times" one must be a variation of this, copied from http://www.polackthefilm.com/polack_the_film/Polacks_Polish_Jokes.html:

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, "Hey, want to hear a good Polack joke?"

The bartender says, "Tell you what.... I'm Polish. See those two big guys playing pool? They're Polish. See those other two guys sitting at the end of the bar? They're Polish. You still want to tell your "Polack" joke?"

The man replies, "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five fucking times."
posted by cocoadog at 6:56 PM on March 22, 2013 [77 favorites]


The Wendy one I've heard drawn out a little bit more, so the convo between the guys in the bathroom goes something like:

White guy: Wow, what an amazing coincidence!
Black guy: What's that?
White guy: Your girlfriend's name is Wendy, and my girlfriend's name is Wendy too!
Black guy: No, my girlfriend's name isn't Wendy, what are you talking about?
White guy: We've got the same dick tattoo, see?
Black guy: Oh no, mine says "Welcome to Jamaica, mon! Have a nice day."
posted by naoko at 6:56 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


The fish one must be:

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, odd looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use lords name in vain." The man said, "But that's the species of the fish a "Gauddam" Fish." The sister said, "Oh, in that case, it's okay." The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the name of it's species - a Gauddam Fish." So, the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me that Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish." The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "I'm starting to like this f**king place!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/fishingjokes.html
posted by cocoadog at 7:05 PM on March 22, 2013 [23 favorites]


"Monkey fucking a coconut" could be a variation of ways to say "this situation is fubar."

E.g. "You're about as graceful as a monkey fucking a coconut."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:06 PM on March 22, 2013


"Death or Bungee," I've heard as "Death or Boondar" or "Death or Bunga-Bunga."

Two explorers get captured by primitive natives. The natives go up to one explorer and ask, Death or Bunga-Bunga?" The explorer thinks anything is better than death, so he chooses whatever Bunga-Bunga could be.

All the native men in the tribe get up and, one-by-one, violently fuck the explorer in the ass.

The next explorer gets asked. Death or Bunga-Bunga?

I choose death, the explorer says.

Death, it is, then, say the natives. But first, a little Bunga-Bunga...
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:13 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Monkey fucking a coconut/football" is usually used when watching someone try to do something and they clearly have no idea what they are doing.
posted by Sarcasm at 7:13 PM on March 22, 2013


This is the source of 'The Sheep Lies!', sorry for linking to funnyjunk.

edit: Actually, I'll just type it out so that you don't have to click links and it's more permanent...

A farmer is standing by the side of his road when along comes a young girl. He tips his hat, and she comes up to the fence.

"You have such nice animals," she says, "may I talk with them?"

The farmer laughs,

"Silly girl, animals can't talk!"

"Hello," she says to the pig.

"Oh, hello, so nice to meet you!" the pig replies.

"Lovely mane!" she says to the horse.

"Why thank you!" he answers.

The farmer begins to panic and shouts,

"The sheep lies! It lies!"
posted by codacorolla at 7:27 PM on March 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


I think the second one refers to Señor Wences but I couldn't say what specifically. He was a ventriloquist known for a character whose face was drawn on his hand.

I'm also very sorry for your loss. Did we miss any?
posted by Toekneesan at 7:47 PM on March 22, 2013


"Roo-Roo" is how I've heard the "Bunga-Bunga" joke.

Señor Wences was a ventriloquist who used to put lipstick on his fist and use it as a puppet, but an actual joke about that eludes me. I came up empty on the talking to the golf ball as well.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:47 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


So-and-so has a "face like Señor Wences' fist" might not be a punchline so much as something to say about someone. Wences was a ventriloquist who drew one of his characters on his hand.
posted by Houstonian at 7:49 PM on March 22, 2013


S'alright? S'alright.
that was his catch phrase
posted by Toekneesan at 7:55 PM on March 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Did we miss any?

I've been keeping track. I think the following are still missing the setups:
10-inch dick & hangs up
Talking golf ball more amusing
a round of drinks, no thanks, blew chunks
posted by Orinda at 7:55 PM on March 22, 2013


Here's (my recollection of) my family's version of the rabbit/smart pills:

One kid at school is lamenting to the second kid that he needs to get his grades up, or something. Second kid says "oh, I can bring you some smart pills, that'll help." Next morning he brings a little box of pills and the first kid takes them, hooray. This goes on for a couple of days and then one morning the first kid says "HEY! These are rabbit pellets!" and the second kid is like "see, they work, you're smarter already!"

So sorry for your loss. I hope the jokes bring you strength and comfort.
posted by librarina at 7:56 PM on March 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


I'm sorry for your loss.

"10-inch dick & hangs up" is a prank call:

Call Recipient: Hello?
Call Maker: What has a one-inch dick and hangs down?
Recipient: ... I don't know?
Maker: A bat. What has a ten-inch dick and hangs up?
Recipient: I don't know. What?
... Call maker hangs up the phone.
posted by brina at 7:57 PM on March 22, 2013 [22 favorites]


For the Wendy/Jamaica one, this is the lead-in/Version that I know: a man decides to get his girlfriend Wendy's name tattooed on his penis. He gets the tattoo, which just shows the letters WY when he is not erect. One day he is in a public bathroom and notices that the guy next to him at the urinals also has a penis tattoo that says WY... Guy one says "mine says Wendy... Yours too?". Guy two: "uh, no, it says 'welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day'"
posted by NikitaNikita at 7:59 PM on March 22, 2013 [6 favorites]


Death, it is, then, say the natives. But first, a little Bunga-Bunga...

When I heard this joke, the punchline was "death by Bunga-Bunga".
posted by andoatnp at 7:59 PM on March 22, 2013


"Blew chunks" might go with this:

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks". To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog." (via)

I imagine the telling was a little different. Probably, a few friends get together and one asks if they should order a round of drinks. Everyone is in, except one dude who says, "No thanks," and his friends are like, "We're at a bachelor party or whatever thing! You have to have a drink!" And he says, "No, last night I got so wasted I went home and blew chunks." And then the others are all, "Seriously, dude, we don't care if you puked last night. It's a PARTY, have a drink." And the guy is like, "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."
posted by brina at 8:05 PM on March 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


Not sure about the "no thanks" part, but this is the blew chunks joke.
posted by capricorn at 8:06 PM on March 22, 2013


The "talking golf ball" joke sounds really close to the one about an engineer and a talking frog.
posted by cobaltnine at 8:14 PM on March 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Here's my version of the Pinocchio joke (which is pretty much my favorite joke of all time).
posted by Madamina at 8:40 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


... so I sez to the Bartender I sez, "That was no lady, that was an IRON LUNG!"
posted by mazola at 8:52 PM on March 22, 2013


Very sorry for your loss! (Came to answer the "Blew Chunks" joke, but I see it's been taken care of.)
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 9:45 PM on March 22, 2013


So sorry for your loss.

Brina nailed the "10 inch and hangs up" joke. I first heard this joke from a vendor in a professional setting half a decade ago. The same guy later tried to recruit me to his office because "we pay you well enough to enjoy the strip joint across the street." Perhaps not the classiest of jokes. Regardless, I still use it on friends to this day.
posted by conradjones at 10:07 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I just wanted to say what a silly & charming legacy you have received.
Thank you for sharing this little gift.
posted by calgirl at 10:07 PM on March 22, 2013 [15 favorites]


NikitaNikita has the penis/Wendy/Jamaica joke right. The only showing WY is what sets up the joke, even if the payoff is pretty weak.
posted by Ghidorah at 1:45 AM on March 23, 2013


Upon giving him a breathalyzer and dexterity tests, the cops are amazed to discover that the guy blows "0.0" and he performs the dexterity tests with ease. "You looked wasted, what's going on?" the cops demand. The guy grins. "My turn to be the designated decoy."

I'm not much of a joke-teller, but the "designated decoy" is one of my staples. A slight variation: after stumbling out to the car, dropping keys, etc., the cops give him the field sobriety tests (walk a straight line, recite the alphabet, etc.) first—which he also fails spectacularly. It's only after that that the cops give him the breathalyzer, which shows 0.0, that they ask what's going on.

For extra effect, be sure to physically demonstrate the "drunk" stumbling around and failing the field sobriety tests as you tell the joke.

So sorry for your loss, but what a great way to remember your father.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:01 AM on March 23, 2013


The George Bush/snapping turtle joke might be something like:

George Bush gathers his advisors in the dark days of the Iraq war and tells them all that they need to be tougher. "We just don't have anyone tough enough around here," he says, as he lifts a large wooden box onto his desk in the Oval Office. "I'm gonna show y'all how tough a Texan is." He opens the box and takes out a snapping turtle, and sits it on the desk. Then he unzips, pulls his cock out, and thrusts it right in the snapping turtle's face. The snapping turtle strikes, clamps its jaws down on Bush's wang, and Bush grits his teeth and turns red and starts screaming "This is how we do it in Texas, boys! Fuckin' Texas tough right here!" His eyes are bugging out and his jaw clenches and he's sweating as he tries to pull the turtle off of him. The turtle's grip is tight, though, and Bush finally succeeds by twisting his thumb violently into the turtle's eye. Bush heaves with relief, dripping with sweat, and says, "Now you boys know what it means to be tough. Who here is willing to do this?" There's dead silence as his advisors look uncomfortably at one another. Finally Karl Rove speaks up and says, "Sir, I'll give it a try, but only if you promise not to put your thumb in my eye."
posted by MoonOrb at 9:26 AM on March 23, 2013 [27 favorites]


Face like Sr. Wences' fist
I've been giving it some thought and I wonder if the Señor Wences joke was the equivalent to a Rosy Palms, hand as your girlfriend/masterbation kind of joke. I think there are modern analogs like Handgelina Jolie, or going back, Pamela Handerson or Barbara Strieshand. Although in your Dad's joke, the joke wasn't a pun on the name, instead it focused on how he used the hand to make the puppet's mouth. The part that I can't quite make work is in spite of the falsetto voice, the character Wences created with his hand was named Johnny.
posted by Toekneesan at 11:08 AM on March 23, 2013


Found this talking golf ball joke but... I don't get it :( (and there's no "more amusing" keyword)
An old ball at the bottom of a golf bag is ranting and raving. "I'm sick of this" he says. "It's hot and dark in here, and I never seem to get taken out to play anymore"
A nearby plastic tee shakes his head. "Unbelievable", he says. "A talking golf ball."
posted by elgilito at 1:50 PM on March 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


elgilito, I believe that's a broken joke.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:47 PM on March 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


I'm sorry for your loss. It's not one of your punchlines, but here's a joke I think your father might have enjoyed:

A young bull and an old bull are standing at the top of a hill. Below them is a field with cows as far as the eye can see. The young bull jumps around excitedly and says, "Let's run down there and fuck one of those cows!" to which the old bull calmly replies, "Let's walk down there and fuck 'em all."
posted by double block and bleed at 3:23 PM on March 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


elgilito, I believe that's a broken joke.

Hmmm... I thought the joke was that a plastic golf tee (an object that cannot itself talk) was commenting on the fact that a golf ball could talk. Kind of plays on the mundane/unfunny aspect common to broken jokes, but still relies on the punchline being ironic/absurd like a regular joke.
posted by Rykey at 4:12 PM on March 24, 2013


I think that like the Lorena Bobbitt quip, the "face like Señor Wences' fist" is just a one-line quip. Sr. Wences and Johnny.
posted by gingerest at 5:28 PM on March 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yeah, the talking golf ball joke sounds like a variation of the talking sausage joke I know.

Two sausages are sitting in a pan, one says "boy, it's getting hot in here", the other screams "help! A talking sausage!"
posted by Ned G at 8:25 AM on March 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


elgilito, I believe that's a broken joke.

It has a name?!? That's fantastic! My friends have just been calling them "unfunny."

Two sausages are sitting in a pan, one says "boy, it's getting hot in here", the other screams "help! A talking sausage!"

In the heat of the moment I could only remember the muffins in the oven version. I don't think the interviewer got it.
posted by Vysharra at 4:09 PM on March 26, 2013


For anyone who wants a quick list of links to the jokes in this thread as related to the punchlines from dmd's dad, here's my attempt to link things up:

1. Smart Pills > Rabbit Pellets
2. Face like Sr. Wences' fist (not a joke but a put-down; or a joke about masturbation)
3. Ghost/Goat
4. Wife, brother, monkey, crash, Monkey Driving (link to joke on another site)
5. Jesus/Pinocchio (and a variation)
6. Wendy/Welcome to Jamaica (long version; medium version; short version)
7. Sheep/I wish it was dark
8. That Sheep Lies! (ventriloquist version; non-ventriloquist version)
9. Death or Bungee (and a slight variation)
10. I was talking to the duck!
11. More fun than watching a monkey try to fuck a coconut (fubar; or clueless person)
12. More ducks on that side (which can be mentioned in casual conversation)
13. It's your wife's handwriting
14. 10-inch dick & hangs up
15. Bear: You don't come here just to hunt, do you
16. George Bush/Snapping Turtle (Texas tough; turtle on a post)
17. Talking golf ball more amusing (link to joke on another site; or there's the broken joke)
18. Genie, 3 wishes, visit to vet
19. Read my lips: bring a posse!
20. Priest, Minister, Rabbi; last wish, fork, Fuck your boat!
21. Last time you didn't have holes in your feet.
22. I'm going to have to numm those (and a variation)
23. Duck hunter license for each state - cop's fingers up duck's ass
24. Indian names, tepee, soaring eagle, running deer, 2 dogs fucking
25. polish joke, bar, tell it six times
26. nice tits, where do you want these blinds
27. a round of drinks, no thanks, blew chunks
28. lorena bobbitt dead in crash, some dick cut her off
29. goddam fish, love this fucking place
30. Brick the camel
31. Designated decoy (variation 2, variation 3)
posted by filthy light thief at 10:30 AM on March 28, 2013 [42 favorites]


NikitaNikita has the penis/Wendy/Jamaica joke right. The only showing WY is what sets up the joke, even if the payoff is pretty weak.

The one change I'd make for that one is that the guys aren't in a public bathroom--they're on a nude beach, IN JAMAICA, where guy #1 (and Wendy, if you like) went for vacation. Makes a little more sense for the "Welcome to Jamaica" payoff.
posted by dlugoczaj at 12:16 PM on March 28, 2013


I just wanted to chime in and say what a lovely evening I have had sharing this thread with my own dad. We went over to their house and he greeted me with, "Say, you know what you do with an elephant with three balls?"

"What?"

"Walk him and pitch to the rhino."

And then I gave him my phone, showed him this thread and watched him howl for the next half hour. He was especially fond of the "bunga bunga" joke, which made him lose his breath, but he also loved how each comment began with "So sorry for your loss."

It's now an hour later, and my husband is helping my mother with her computer problems. Dad says, "Maybe it's because of those holes you've got in your feet."

Thanks... and truly, I am so sorry for your loss.
posted by Madamina at 5:38 PM on March 30, 2013 [18 favorites]


Another version of the "talking to the duck" joke.

A woman is sitting in bed reading a book when her husband walks in with a duck under his arm.
The man says "See, this is the pig I have to sleep with whenever you're not in the mood."
The wife replies to him "You idiot that's a duck, not a pig!"
The man then says "I was talking to the duck!"
posted by borkencode at 9:48 AM on April 4, 2013


MeTa.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:48 AM on April 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Scottish guy looks over and goes "Heck with that... I wish it was dark!"

And the proper response to that punchline is "eee-oooooo!!"
posted by Twang at 7:26 PM on April 8, 2013


The Bunga Bunga joke is the first marginally off-color joke my very straight-laced Dad ever told me. Sorry for your loss; your Dad seems a lot like mine.
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:42 AM on December 3, 2013


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