Tell me your favorite dark joke
October 20, 2009 2:17 PM   Subscribe

As a follow-up to my last question - what's your favorite dark, cynical, gallows-humour style joke?

I'm still working on my ability to tell funny ice breakers. However, most of the stuff I see out there are funny simply because they're dirty. Can anyone suggest clean, but dark jokes? What sites or books do you guys recommend also?
posted by phyrewerx to Society & Culture (77 answers total) 177 users marked this as a favorite
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was lonely.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:19 PM on October 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

The official world's funniest joke is clean, and pretty dark.
posted by mkb at 2:25 PM on October 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

A seal walks into a club. Period.
posted by Chairboy at 2:27 PM on October 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

A baby seal walks into a club.
posted by utsutsu at 2:27 PM on October 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
posted by hilaritas at 2:28 PM on October 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth? With a blender. How do you get them out? Nachos (make a dipping and snacking motion).
posted by nobeagle at 2:32 PM on October 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

There were a million of these in Sarajevo during the war, and black humor was everywhere. For a while, the most popular song on the radio was the Monkees' "This Just Doesn't Seem To Be My Day." I was surprised to find out later that most Americans had never heard of it.

But the most popular joke was:

Q: What's the difference between Auschwitz and Sarajevo?

A: At least they had gas in Auschwitz.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 2:34 PM on October 20, 2009 [22 favorites]

be careful with this one. sometimes people will call you out on it. i don't tell it anymore, because when people say "you know, that's not funny, and i find that offensive" it's really uncomfortable for both of us.

What did the deaf, blind, mute girl get for Christmas? Cancer.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 2:41 PM on October 20, 2009 [5 favorites]

A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:

"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

The doctor continues: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, changing her soiled diapers, and tending to her needs constantly, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

At that point, the doctor puts his hand on the man's shoulder, and says, "Naaaah - I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
posted by chrisamiller at 2:42 PM on October 20, 2009 [79 favorites]

A woman goes away on vacation and has her brother watch her cat. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her that the cat is dead.

The woman immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says, "You can't tell a person bad news like that. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok. The third day you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day the brother calls the woman up and says, "I have news." "What?" "Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."
posted by Kimberly at 2:48 PM on October 20, 2009 [15 favorites]

Look up Frankie Boyle on youtube.
posted by fire&wings at 2:52 PM on October 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Out of date: What's the difference between Princess Diana and strawberry jam? Strawberry jam doesn't come in tins.

While Sickipedia is rife with smut, there are ones that are just straightforwardly nasty too.

And while not really what you're looking for, I have to mention a song we sang at junior school that was wonderfully dark and funny; the leader sang a line, everyone sang it back. The first verse was set, there were a couple that you tended to remember, then they were made up on the spot:
I saw a bird
With a yellow bill
It landed on
My windowsill
I coaxed it in
With a piece of cheese
And shoved it in
The deep freeze

So method of coaxing it in and method of death change each time but have to rhyme (so coaxed in with trifle, shot with air rifle).
posted by Coobeastie at 2:52 PM on October 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

An old seamstress is slowly walking back to her job from lunch, when a flasher jumps out of an alley and opens his coat wide. The old woman looks him up and down, shakes her head sadly, and says "You call that a lining?"
posted by paulsc at 2:56 PM on October 20, 2009 [9 favorites]

Two sailors are shipwrecked on an island inhabited by heartless natives. "You have a choice," says the island king to the first sailor. "Instantaneous Death or Chee-Chee." The first sailor gulps. "I choose Chee-Chee" he says. There is a loud gong. "You have chosen Chee-Chee," announces the king, and two large, sword-wielding men appear, chop off the sailor's arms, disembowel and skin him, and leave him in a steaming bloody heap to die. "You have a choice," says the king to the second sailor. "Instantaneous Death or Chee-Chee." The second sailor is pale and sweating. "I guess I'll take Instantaneous Death," he says. There is another loud gong. "You have chosen Instantaneous Death" says the king. "But first, Chee-Chee!"
posted by applemeat at 3:00 PM on October 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

(forget where I stole this from--possibly Everything2)

It's Christmas morning. Billy and Timmy wake up at the crack of dawn, run down the hall to drag their parents out of bed, and fly down the stairs to the pile of presents around the tree.

When the dust settles, Billy has all these great presents: a video game system, a big-ass Nerf gun that shoots 8 different kinds of projectiles, one of those electric slot car tracks where the cars climb up the wall ahd go through loops. But then he notices that Timmy only got one present--a little Matchbox car, which he's pushing back and forth in the corner.

"Gee, Timmy," Billy says, "I guess I sure got more presents than you this year."

Timmy says, "Yeah, well at least I don't have cancer."
posted by equalpants at 3:02 PM on October 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

"A baby seal walks into a club."

That's the PC, "be-nice-to-your-northern-neighbours-eh?" version, right. Because the way I heard it years ago, it was…
A baby Harp Seal walks into a bar and says "Gimme a Canadian Club on the rocks"
… but it's hardly a dark joke anyhow.

Now, if I were to say "What's 14" long and fucks kittens? An electric drill", then that's getting a little closer towards dark…
posted by Pinback at 3:07 PM on October 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

The dead baby jokes will get it every time, although I cringe from having to write some of them here...

What's funnier than a dead baby? Dead baby in a clown suit.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby? You have to take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

More via metamail, only cause I don't feel like everyone wants to read these...
posted by eytanb at 3:10 PM on October 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

I love dead baby jokes.
posted by cali59 at 3:24 PM on October 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
posted by ericc at 3:39 PM on October 20, 2009 [25 favorites]

What has two legs, but can't walk?
Half a dog.

What's black and white and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.

I know much, much darker ones, but unless your goal is to proactively offend and alienate people, they are really not suitable for breaking the ice.
posted by dephlogisticated at 3:50 PM on October 20, 2009

How about some nice, offensive Helen Keller jokes?

Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her back yard?
-Neither did she.

Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?
-She was wearing mittens.

How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret?
-Break her fingers.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?
-Because she's a woman. (Or: Because she's dead.)
posted by phunniemee at 3:56 PM on October 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

Something you might be interested in, just to get a general feel for the dark humor stuff, read some Vonnegut short stories and watch the intro scenes to episodes of Alfred Hitchcock Presents (available on hulu).
posted by phunniemee at 4:00 PM on October 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

A doctor is meeting with a patient who hadn't seen a physician in 20 years.

Doctor: "I just got your test results back, and unfortunately none of it is good news. In fact, you're suffering from two different very serious conditions."

Patient: "Well doc, tell me about the worst first, just to get it out of the way."

Doctor: "All right. You have a very advanced case of an incurable form of cancer. You have, at maximum, one month to live."

Patient: "Wow. That's pretty bad. So what's the other condition?"

Doctor: "You have a quite advanced case of Alzheimer's, with some severe neurological degeneration."

Patient: "Wow. That's pretty bad. But I guess I should be thankful; at least I don't have cancer!"
posted by googly at 4:00 PM on October 20, 2009 [5 favorites]

You okay with some vaguely offensive Polish jokes?

During the great depression, an Irishman, an Italian and a Pole are working on a the upper floors of a skyscraper. Every day, they sit down next to one another on the edge of an I-beam to eat their lunch.

One day, they take out their lunch pails. The Irishman looks at his lunch, disgusted. "I swear, if I get corned beef on Rye for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." But he glumly eats his lunch anyway.

Next, the Italian pulls out his lunch, and curses. "If I get a meatball sub one more time, I swear, I'm going to jump off this building." But he still bites into the sandwich.

Finally, the Polish guy opens his pail. "If I get perogies one more time, I swear I'm going to jump off this building," he says.

So the next day, the three of them sit down for lunch. The Irishman looks in his pail, sees another corned beef on rye, and promptly jumps. The Italian opens his pail, sees a meatball sub, and lets himself fall off the building. And the Pole looks at his lunch, sees that it's perogies, and jumps himself.

At the combined wake the next night, the wives of the three men discuss their husbands.

"I don't understand!" the wife of the Irishman says. "If only he had told me not to make him Corned Beef on Rye, I could have made him something else!"

The wife of the Italian sighs. "I could have made him spaghetti, or a caprese--I could have made him anything, if only he had asked!"

The wife of the Pole, on the other hand, was simply confused. "I don't understand," she said. "He always packed his own lunch!"
posted by thecaddy at 4:21 PM on October 20, 2009 [13 favorites]

Response by poster: You people rock! Thanks!
posted by phyrewerx at 4:41 PM on October 20, 2009

these will confirm that I'm going to hell, but remember Christa McAuliffe, the teacher from the Challenger disaster?

Q: What was the last thing her husband said to her?
A: I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.

Q: Did you hear her eyes were blue?
A: Yeah, one blew this way, one blew that way...
posted by namewithoutwords at 4:57 PM on October 20, 2009

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Nine eleven.
Nine eleven who?
posted by chairface at 5:03 PM on October 20, 2009 [52 favorites]

Dark, clean, but sadly out of mileage:

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is plastic and dangerous to children. The other holds groceries.
posted by gnomeloaf at 5:11 PM on October 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

The joke that makes 'em gag every time:

Leper walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. Bartender pours him one, sets it down, then turns his back and wretches. Tries to keep it quiet, not to hurt the guy's feelings, but still.

The leper hears this and offers to pay and leave. "No, buddy, I'm sorry," the bartender says, "Please stay. You're fine.

So the leper sips his beer and starts to relax, when he notices the bartender glancing his way and clearly struggling not to vomit. Once again he tries to pay and leave, and once again the bartender won't let him.

When it happens a third time, the leper insists, "Look, I'm clearly making you sick, so just let me pay and get out of here."

"Buddy, I told you, you're not making me sick," the bartender replies. "It's the guy next to you dipping his tortilla chips into your arm."
posted by jbickers at 5:18 PM on October 20, 2009 [5 favorites]

Q: "How long does it take a hamster to explode in the microwave?"

A: "I don't know, I was too busy masturbating."
posted by 8dot3 at 5:24 PM on October 20, 2009 [21 favorites]

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
posted by 8dot3 at 5:25 PM on October 20, 2009 [7 favorites]

A kidnapper was dragging a child into the woods when the kid says, "Mister, these woods are really scary." The kidnapper says, "Yeah, I know. And I have to walk out all alone."
posted by JV at 5:38 PM on October 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

What's brown and lives in the attic?

The diarrhea of Anne Frank
posted by jtron at 6:10 PM on October 20, 2009 [8 favorites]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter. He can't come when called anyway.
posted by I'm Brian and so's my wife! at 6:15 PM on October 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

Langon is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.

After the sessions, which go great, Langon can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Langon where he
can go to see it.

A month later, Langon puts his collar up, puts on dark glasses, and he goes to the theater where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seems to be disguised and hiding.

The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverted porno flick ever. Group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has done all the women in ever orifice, and most of the men.

Langon is incredibly embarrassed, and he turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turns to Langon and whispers back, "I understand, we're here to see our dog."

Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff..."
posted by I'm Brian and so's my wife! at 6:28 PM on October 20, 2009 [12 favorites]

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding half a worm?

The Holocaust.
posted by Mr. Anthropomorphism at 6:35 PM on October 20, 2009 [14 favorites]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Well, you first gotta understand that this chicken had a hard childhood. His father left when he had yet to hatch. His mother looked after him for a few years, but she was a druggie and didn't do that great a job. Eventually she sold him into slavery in exchange for a hit.

For a few years he worked as a slave laborer on a farm just north of the border. The man who owned the farm was about as cruel and sadistic as they get, but to all outward appearances he was the model of virtue and a pillar of the community, so nobody suspected that he had seventy slave chickens working for him.

Eventually this chicken snapped and murdered the farm owner by pecking open his jugular vein. He left the farm. Shortly after the owner's family found out who killed him and put up a one million dollar bounty, payable to whoever found, tortured and killed the chicken. Fearing for his life, the chicken headed up north.

He fell in with the chicken mafia, and worked as a hitchicken and general muscle for a few years. He slowly earned enough money to rent a house and get established, although he had to keep his head down to avoid getting noticed. He met a nice hen, and they started dating.

Now, the chicken was getting tired of killing other chickens for a living. He'd been attending classes part time, and had been told by his teachers that he was real smart. They wanted to give him a scholarship to go to college overseas, even.

That never worked out, however. The chicken's girlfriend got pregnant, and he decided to stay in the country to care for the resulting chicks. He tried to quit the mafia. His bosses were not very pleased about his decision, and told him it would be a shame if anything bad happened to his family. The chicken bought a strong lock for his apartment, although he still constantly worried about his family. The chicken got a job in an office. It was mind-numbingly boring, but it paid the bills and didn't involve killing anyone.

Two years later the chicken got two strokes of bad luck. Firstly, the company was going through hard times and had decided to lay him off. Secondly, he had developed severe respiratory problems; the doctor said it had something to do with exposure to agricultural chemicals from his days as a slave. When he went home to tell his wife the bad news, he found she wasn't there. She had taken the children and left to be with another chicken.

Well, the chicken went out and got good and drunk that night. He was standing outside a bar, watching the cars streak across the nearby highway, when he thought that it would be good to die. He didn't have much to live for, and his life insurance policy would help his kids more than he ever could now. His death had to look like an accident, though.

The highway! That was it! He would get run over, and be "accidentally" killed.

The chicken staggered out over the road, trying to position himself in front of the largest vehicle possible. They swerved around him, furiously honking their horns and yelling obscenities at him. The chicken staggered on, and before he realized it he'd crossed the road and had reached the other side.

The chicken still wasn't dead, however. He slumped to the ground, weeping bitter tears.
posted by fearthehat at 7:03 PM on October 20, 2009 [13 favorites]

A small child and a pedophile are walking hand-in-hand through the dark, creaky woods.

"Mister," says the small child, " I'm scared."

"YOU'RE scared?" says the pedophile. "I'M the one who's gonna have to walk back alone!"
posted by KathrynT at 7:09 PM on October 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a Corvette?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.
posted by jtfowl0 at 7:09 PM on October 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was lonely.

I heard it this way:

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.
posted by Lucinda at 7:31 PM on October 20, 2009

similar to I'm Brian's: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it!
posted by cubby at 7:35 PM on October 20, 2009

What's the tallest building in Moscow?

The KGB headquarters. You can see Siberia from the basement.
posted by prefpara at 7:41 PM on October 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

A guy goes to see the doctor, the doctor examines him and says "I have good news and bad news".

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"You have an incurable disease." says the doctor, "You only have 6 days to live."

"That's terrible!" says the patient, "But what's the good news?".

"It's spring," says the doctor, "the days are getting longer".

Different guy, goes to see the doctor with a sore dick.

The doctor does some tests and looks grim. "I'm afraid it's Guinea Plague" he says, "I'll have to amputate."

"No!" says the patient, "I want a second opinion!"

"That's your right," says the doc, "but you need to deal with this immediately."

Patient goes to another doctor, who tells him the same thing. Desperate, the patient then goes to an alternative practitioner.

"Hmmm, looks like Guinea Plague," says the alternative guy, "I recommend a holistic blend of herbs and essential oils, along with some deep meditation."

"So, you won't need to amputate?" asks the patient.

"Goodness me - no," says the alternative guy. "Wait three weeks and it'll fall off by itself."
posted by HiroProtagonist at 7:54 PM on October 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

It's a variation on chrisamiller's, upthread. Only, really, really, dark and horrible.

So, a man is in the hospital, waiting for his wife to give birth. He's pacing back in forth in the waiting room, waiting for the birth to be over, when suddenly the doctor bursts into the room.
"Sir! Sir! Come with me! I have amazing news!"
The man rushes into the operating room with the doctor. The doctor snatches the baby out of the bassinet and holds it up.
"Sir. It's unbelievable, but your baby CAN FLY!"
The doctor holds the baby over his head and tosses it up into the air. The new father watches in horror as his newborn collides with the floor, making a sick, wet thud.
"YOU SICK BASTARD!" He shouts! "What do you think you're doing?"
"No, I swear it. It's phenomenal! Just watch!" Says the doctor. He lifts the baby again. He winds up and gives it another throw. This time, it bounces off the wall and then hits the floor, leaving a gross smear on the wall.
"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!" Shouts the new father, aghast at the doctors behavior and the trauma he's witnessing.
"Trust me, sir! It's simply amazing!" Says the doctor. He opens a window and hurls the baby out where it plummets nine stories and punches a baby-shaped hole in the roof of a bus.
"You sonofabitch! You killed my baby! Screams the father.
"Meh. Don't worry about it. It came out dead." Says the doctor.
posted by Jon-o at 10:04 PM on October 20, 2009 [6 favorites]

this was told (of course) after Natalie Wood's accident--it stuck with me as being a perfect gallows humor joke:

Q. Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower--that fateful night--aboard the boat?
A. She wanted to wait-------to wash ashore
posted by naplesyellow at 10:19 PM on October 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
9/11 who?
Oh my god, I thought you said you'd never forget.
posted by phaedon at 10:59 PM on October 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

A man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
The man says he'd like the bad news first and the doctor says " you only have two days to live"
"Oh my gosh" the man says "Then what is the very bad news?"
"I meant to tell you yesterday"
posted by InkaLomax at 5:08 AM on October 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

I really shouldn't be writing this down but it's a great joke, particularly because most people don't get it at first.

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
posted by HopStopDon'tShop at 6:00 AM on October 21, 2009 [11 favorites]

It's not gallows humor, but you might enjoy A Softer World. Not all the comics are dark, but they're all a bit twisted.
posted by bibliophibianj at 6:25 AM on October 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's vagina?

Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
posted by phunniemee at 6:28 AM on October 21, 2009 [7 favorites]

For a truly niche genre, East German jokes.
posted by spamguy at 6:54 AM on October 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Drunk walks into his neighborhood bar-grinnin' from ear to ear. Barkeep says "what are you so happy about?" Drunk replies "well, last night I was walkin home after closing, along the tracks like I always do but THIS time I found a woman tied to the tracks, just like in them old movies." I untied her and took her home and we had sex ALL NIGHT LONG...on the bed...on the table...on the floor...on the KITCHEN COUNTER!!!" bartender says "You luck bastard, was she beautiful?" Drunk says "I dunno...never did find her head"
posted by orme at 7:00 AM on October 21, 2009 [6 favorites]

What's the difference between [anyone who died in a car crash] and a pizza?

A pizza doesn't have glass in it.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:07 AM on October 21, 2009

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream?

Crib death.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:14 AM on October 21, 2009 [4 favorites]

One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about "Blue Velvet". Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them, "What's Blue Velvet?"

They proceed to kick his ass.

The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him, "What happened, Little Johnny?" to which he replies "Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is."

"As well they should have!" she states. "Get your ass to the Principal's office, right now!"

Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal's office.

"Now son, just what happened?"
"Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is."
"Little Johnny, you are hereby expelled. Get the hell out of my school!"

Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaming "What happened?!"

"I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what "Blue Velvet" is."

Little Johnny's Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells "You're never welcome in this home again!"

Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. "Get in", he says.
Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened.

"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is."

The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying "You are no longer welcome in this town. Don't let me catch you around here again."

Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.

As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened.

"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is."

"Is that so?" says the Trucker. "Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is."


"Sure." The Trucker stops the truck. "See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there's a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is."

"Gee, Thanks, Mister!" replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.

Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when


he is hit by a car and killed instantly.

The Moral of this Story?

Look both ways before crossing the street.
posted by namewithoutwords at 7:33 AM on October 21, 2009 [9 favorites]

A woman goes to the doctor for a physical. After the exam, the doctor returns with her test results and says, "Well Mrs. Smith, I hope you're ready to start buying diapers!"

"Goodness," says the woman, "am I pregnant, doctor?"

"No," the doctor replies, "you have bowel cancer."
posted by devnall at 7:39 AM on October 21, 2009 [6 favorites]

A man goes to the doctor to get some test results back. The doctor says to him, 'Well I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?'
The man says, 'The good news.'
The doctor frowns and says, 'The good news is we're naming it after you.'
posted by shakespeherian at 7:46 AM on October 21, 2009 [15 favorites]

The rector of a cathedral is looking for a replacement bellringer, but gets no takers because the pay is crap and they usually end up going deaf. Finally, two applicants show up: twin brothers who both have thick, muscular legs, pronounced calluses on their foreheads, and no arms. The rector is skeptical, but can't resist the chance to see how they handle the bells. They go up to the belltower, which has open windows on all sides with a fantastic view of the town.

One brother jumps up and hits a bell with his forehead; the other does the same with a different bell. They go on in this fashion, in perfect synchronization, ringing the changes, until one hits a bell sideways and falls out of the tower. The other one doesn't miss a beat, but starts hitting the bells double-time, until he, too, makes a mistake and falls out of the belltower.

The rector rushes down to the ground to administer last rites. A horrified nun walks up. "Father, who is that man?", she asks.

"I don't know, Sister, but his face sure rings a bell."

"Well, then, who is that other man over there?"

"I don't know that either, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:58 AM on October 21, 2009 [3 favorites]

A plane is overweighted and going down over the ocean. The pilot comes over the loudspeaker and requests that three brave souls sacrifice themselves for the survival of everyone else. There are no parachutes.

After a few moments' reflection, a British gentleman offers to jump. At the door to the plane he shouts, "God Save the Queen!" and leaps to his death.

Not to be outdone, a Frenchman walks to the door, cries, "Viva la France!" and jumps to his death.

Moved by the displays of patriotism, a Texan walks to the door, shouts "Remember the Alamo!" and chucks a Mexican out of the plane.
posted by jefficator at 1:22 PM on October 21, 2009 [2 favorites]

I live near Boston, and here we had a massive public works highway project called "the Big Dig", where they moved the highways through the city under ground. At one point something went very wrong and a concrete slab fell onto a moving car killing an occupant. Shortly afterward, a friend of mine asked me this:

Why do you think they call it a drop ceiling?
posted by atbash at 1:46 PM on October 21, 2009

In the same vein as some previously posted medical jokes:

A man has been feeling unwell and goes to his doctor for a follow-up visit after a series of medical tests. The doctor sits him down and in a grim tone tells the man that he has good news and bad news, which would he like first?

"The bad news," says the man.

"Well, according to the test results and after consulting with a number of other physicians, it looks like you've got about an hour to live."

"That's awful," says the man, "what could possibly be the good news?"

"It's happy hour!"
posted by terrierhead at 2:05 PM on October 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Medical Slang
posted by lalochezia at 3:19 PM on October 21, 2009

A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a battery of tests. The doctor sits him down and says,

"I'm so sorry to have to tell you this. But the results are back, and I'm afraid it's fatal."

"Oh no! How long do I have?"


"What, years? Months?!"

posted by lucidium at 4:45 PM on October 21, 2009 [16 favorites]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing 'cause you done told the bitch twice!
posted by buzzkillington at 7:55 PM on October 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

You would too if your name was BLAEAREARGH (loud garbled deaf speach).
posted by JimmyJames at 10:03 PM on October 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's late 2003, and the new Iraqi Minister of Information has assembled all 89 Saddam body doubles following the Baghdad invasion.

"I have some good news and some bad news for you all," he says.

"The good news is that our glorious leader is alive and in hiding, so you can all keep your jobs."

The doubles sigh in relief and high five each other.

"The bad news is he's lost an arm and a leg."
posted by chalbe at 1:22 PM on October 22, 2009

A junior schoolteacher, in Wiltshire gave her class a year 2007 assignment... get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. So, the next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Katy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher."

Lucy, now you.""Our family are farmers too, Miss. But we raise chickens for the butcher's shop. We had a dozen eggs at one time, but when they hatched we only got five chicks.
And the moral of this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Lucy. Holly, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, miss, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Rod.
Uncle Rod is a Harrier pilot in Afghanistan and he got shot down. He had to bail out into Al Quaida territory, and all he had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and machete. ...Well, he drank the whisky on the way down, so it wouldn't break, and then he landed right in the middle of 100 Al Quaida rag-heads armed with AK47’s. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Uncle Rod when he's been drinking."
posted by I'm Brian and so's my wife! at 6:31 PM on October 22, 2009 [7 favorites]

A man awakes to find himself lying by the side of a desolate country
road. As he regains his bearings, he discovers that he has no memory
of who he is or how he came to be there. As he stumbles about unsure
of himself, a genie appears beside him and says "What is your third
wish, master?"

Confused, the man asks "Who are you and why can't I remember anything?"

"I am your genie," the genie replies. "You are here because your
second wish was to forget who you are and to be taken far away from
everything you once knew. Now, my master, what is your third wish?"

"My third wish," answers the man, "Is to remember everything about who I am."

The genie laughs.

"What's so funny?", asks the man.

The genie replies, "That was your first wish."
posted by surenoproblem at 8:14 PM on October 22, 2009 [13 favorites]

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to another man. They get to talking and the second man says, "You know, this bar has a really unique feature."
"Oh?" says the first man, "What's that?"
"Well, the way the air currents loop around the building, you can jump off the roof and float down to the street unharmed."
"Bullshit," says the first man, "I don't believe you."
"I'll show you," says the second man.
So they go up to the roof and sure enough, the second man jumps off and gently, gently floats to the ground.
"That's amazing!" shouts the first man, "I have to try that!" And he jumps off the roof, hits the street and dies.
The second man walks back into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Superman, you sure are a mean ass drunk."
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:25 AM on October 23, 2009 [3 favorites]

A man has been undergoing medical treatment, and meets with his doctor to review some tests.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I have bad news. Your condition is now incurable, and you have only 6 months to live. I recommend you get your affairs in order.
Man: That's terrible! Isn't there anything you can do? Surely there's some treatment!
Doctor: No, we've been using the best available medicines, and they aren't working.
Man: I'll try anything...what about experimental treatments?
Doctor: There aren't any for your disease, I'm afraid.
Man, desperate: Maybe alternate medicine??
Doctor, impatient: Well, I don't believe in that stuff, but if you can go to the spa up the road everyday and get a mud bath.
Man: Really? That will help?
Doctor: No, but it will get you used to dirt.
posted by maryrussell at 9:49 AM on October 24, 2009 [5 favorites]

A family is on vacation at the Grand Canyon when the husband and wife start arguing, grab each other, and plummet off the edge of a cliff. Terrified and alone, their only child sits down at a picnic table and begins to weep. Eventually a passing sheriff spots him and pulls over to ask what's wrong. The little boy says,
"Mommy and daddy started fighting. Mommy pushed daddy, then daddy pushed mommy, then they both fell off the cliff."
The sheriff unzips his trousers and says,
"It just isn't your day, is it son?"
posted by Demogorgon at 6:30 PM on October 24, 2009 [3 favorites]

So I was driving around the west of Ireland when my car broke down.

Right up the road was a little farm, and farmer Séamus was kind enough to make me some tea and let me stay at the farm while I waited for a mechanic. We were walking around the farmstead for a bit when I spotted this tiny little pig cheerfully limping about on three legs.

"Hey! That pig has got only three legs!", I blurted out, surprised.

And Séamus said, "Ooh, that's Róisín right there. And what a special pig she is."

He continued, "Once I was out in the field on my combine harvester, and somehow my coat got caught on the door and I fell out and landed in front of the machine! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to drag me away I would have surely been mauled to death by my own machine. Ah, and what a special pig she is."

"So that's how it lost its leg?" I asked, naturally.

"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "Just last month Siobhán, my four-year old daughter, was out playing by the well. And she fell into the well! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to pull her out I don't know how I could live with myself. Ah, and what a special pig she is."

"Aha," I said. "So that's how the pig lost a leg."

"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "Only last Sunday, my son Callum was out playing on the frozen lake. But the ice cracked and he fell in the ice-cold water! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to rescue him I don't know what I would have done. Ah, and what a special pig she is."

"So... I guess that must be how it lost its leg?"

"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "But you wouldn't eat a pig that special all in one go, now would ya."
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 11:07 AM on October 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

So this posh restaurant is looking for a piano player. A friend of the manager, the owner of a nearby jazz club, has a recommendation: "You should give Stewart Campbell a ring. He's a bit eccentric, mind, but he's a genius."

Well, all artists have a bit of a peculiar side, the manager thinks. And sure enough, he calls him up and the next day Campbell shows up for an interview.

"I'm Stu", he says as he comes in, suit dishevelled, hair unkempt, and reeking of booze. "You were looking for a piano player?"

"Err, yes, what do you play?" the manager inquires.

"Anything," says Stu, "Anything at all so long as I wrote it meself."

"All... right -- can you do a little, say, smooth jazz?"

"Not a problem." Stu sits down at this stately old grand piano, and plays this most velvety, intricate but accessible piece. As the last notes ring out, the manager is noticeably impressed. "That was great! What's it called?"

"'Bugger a Sheep While Taking a Dump'", Stu answers.

"Oh...kay," the confused manager responds. "Well, how about something a bit more uptempo, maybe some crossover?"

And sure enough, without missing a beat he performs the funkiest, sultriest piece of music you ever heard.

"That's perfect!" the manager exclaims. "Does that have a title?"

"Yeah, this one's called 'Incontinent Crack Whore On a Tuesday Morning'."

Now, the restaurant's manager finds Stu strange indeed, to say the least, but he's just so good, he has to hire him, on the one condition that he won't introduce his works.

And sure enough, the next day he's bringing the house down over dinner and the wait staff is flooded with guests sending him their compliments, when in walks the most beautiful woman, tall and blonde in heels and a little black dress, and sits down at the table right in front of the piano.

Stu is just starting another of his most inspired easy listening compositions, but he struggles to keep playing as he just cannot stop staring at this most attractive lady.

Finally, he can't take it any longer and breaks off the song midway through and and rushes to the bathroom to masturbate furiously. Just as hurriedly he rushes back and starts playing again right where he left off, and then when the song has finished the woman asks Stu:

"Excuse me, do you know your cock's hanging out and there's cum all over your shoes?"

And Stu responds, "Know it? I fucking WROTE it!"
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 11:43 AM on October 25, 2009 [15 favorites]

The infamous pirate Captain Jim has just taken on some new recruits. That night the ship sits down to a rowdy dinner and the new recruits gather around Captain Jim to hear some of his tall tales.

'Captain Jim, how did you get that peg leg?'

'Yarr, I was fightin cutlass to cutlass with Bluebeard hisself in the blackest midnight these seas have ever held. Suddenly I saw me opening and grabbed Bluebeard, and we both fell into the drink. As soon as we hit water a shark grabbed onto me leg and wouldn't let go; I had to kill the beast before I could swim over and cut Bluebeard's throat. I climbed back on the ship triumphant, but had lost a leg to the shark, leaving me with this peg leg.'

'Captain Jim, that's amazing! Can you tell us how you got that hook?'

'Yarr, we was raidin a settlement in the New World with nary a star to see by. When a bolt of lightnin lit the sky I found myself facing thirty men with pistols drawn. As soon as the dark returned I drew me sword and killed them all, save one, who, in the dark, cut off me hand and threw it to Davy Jones. I run him through and the settlement's booty was ours, but I'd lost a hand, and was left with the hook.'

'That's amazing, Captain Jim! Can you tell us how you got the eye patch?'

'A bird pooped in it.'

'... You lost your eye because a bird pooped in it, Captain Jim?'

'It was me first day with the hook.'
posted by shakespeherian at 9:05 PM on October 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

So this burglar breaks into a house in a pretty well-to-do area to lighten their load one night. As he's scouting around the living room and sizing up the electronics, he hears a whisper from out of the dark, from where he can't quite tell:

Jesus is watching you.

He flips his shit, naturally, clicks the flashlight off and freezes but he's trembling. Doesn't move for a solid minute, but there are no other sounds. After a second minute, he starts thinking he must be going crazy and just heard it in his head. It wasn't very loud after all. Shake it off. Get the job done.

He reaches the entertainment center and just as he's undoing the DVD player...

Jesus is watching you.

THIS time he knows he heard SOMEONE say it, it was definitely not in his head, and the flashlight is off almost before the voice finished talking. He tries his best to blend into the dark and after a while manages the courage to flip on the flashlight and search around the room. But no one is there. He's completely wigged out at this point so he decides to grab the DVD player, cut his losses, and get the hell out of this house. But he doesn't even make it halfway back across the room before...

Jesus is watching you.

But its coming from RIGHT NEXT TO HIM so he jumps and spins in fright and trains his flashlight on a bird cage in the corner of the room that he had previously missed. There's a parrot sitting inside of it.

Was that YOU? He demands of the parrot.

Awwwk! Yes, Answers the parrot.

You scared the shit out of me you stupid bird. What's your name?

Awwwk! Moses.

That's a stupid name. What kind of stupid people name their bird "Moses"?

Awwwk! Kind that name a Rottweiler "Jesus."

posted by allkindsoftime at 5:19 AM on October 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

Erm. I don't know if some of those upthread are "clean", but I love them.

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ?

It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 5:11 PM on April 7, 2010

What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being disabled.

posted by owtytrof at 8:10 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

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