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jokes for a short attention span
November 8, 2012 1:47 PM   Subscribe

Please share your short, text-message-friendly, jokes.

A dear friend of mine is undergoing chemo. She is also seven months pregnant. She has good days and bad days, and I have been peppering her with jokes via text message to cheer her up. She wants me to keep it up, and she has six more rounds of chemo to undergo, and I am running out of material.

I've searched the archives, of course, and have been harvesting lots of great material from previous similar questions, such as this one, this one, and this one.

Bonus points for clean Catholic jokes (no pervy priests please) for example:

Q: Who's the patron saint of email?

A: St. Francis of a cc

or

A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking. The Catholic boy said "my priest knows more than your rabbi" and the Jewish boy replied "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

Not to say no dirty jokes (she loved "Q: How is football like oral sex? A: The party that wins the toss usually elects to receive") I just don't want the chocolate in the peanut butter, if you know what I mean.

She's brought a lot of laughter into my life, please help me return the favor.
posted by ambrosia to Society & Culture (78 answers total) 130 users marked this as a favorite
 
3 deacons walk into a bar. You'd think the third one would have ducked.
posted by tilde at 1:53 PM on November 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


Q: What's the H in Jesus H Christ?
A: Harold. "Our Father. Who art in heaven. Harold be thy name."

And whales.
posted by ethidda at 1:54 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Not a joke but good for a laugh: Make sure you know how to send her a whale.
posted by jbickers at 1:55 PM on November 8, 2012 [7 favorites]


If she likes puns (especially bad ones), the Lame Pun Coon meme has a lot of material. I regularly text them to my wife.
posted by Boxenmacher at 2:00 PM on November 8, 2012 [18 favorites]


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and sidles up to the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
posted by workerant at 2:01 PM on November 8, 2012 [6 favorites]


A priest, a rabbi, and a three-foot-tall cowboy walk into a bar. Bartender looks up, says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
posted by mskyle at 2:01 PM on November 8, 2012


Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?
posted by ActionPopulated at 2:02 PM on November 8, 2012 [8 favorites]


Knock knock jokes work well for texting...

> Knock Knock
Who's there? <
> To.
To who? <
> No. "To whom."
posted by rouftop at 2:03 PM on November 8, 2012 [6 favorites]


Wanna hear a dirty joke? 3 white horses fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke? They took a shower.

PS Boxenmacher, you just changed my life with that link. So far, not sure if it's in a good or bad way.
posted by anya32 at 2:05 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


send text 1: "a bear walks into a bar and says hey bartender
(do nothing)
(do nothing)
(do nothing)
receive text: then what?
send text 2: I'll have a beer." the bartender says, sure but why the big pause?
posted by chasles at 2:05 PM on November 8, 2012


Previously.

And here's my favorite series of jokes from another mefi thread:

Q: How do you fit an elephant in a closet in 3 steps?
A: 1. You open the door. 2. Put the elephant in the closet. 3. Close the door.

Q: How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you fit a giraffe in a closet in 4 steps?
A: 1. You open the door. 2. Take the elephant out of the closet. 3. Put the giraffe in the closet. 4. Close the door.

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a volkswagen bug?
A: Six, two in the front, two in the back, and two in the trunk if you squeeze them in real tight.

Q: How do you know two elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly?
A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they'd be aspirin.

Q: An elephant and a giraffe are having a race. Who wins?
A: The elephant. The giraffe is still in the closet.

Q: How do you know six elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: VW tire tracks in the butter.
posted by phunniemee at 2:12 PM on November 8, 2012 [12 favorites]


A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and it's tearing his family apart.
posted by rhizome at 2:19 PM on November 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


Q : What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A : Christopher Walken
posted by essexjan at 2:20 PM on November 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
posted by blob at 2:28 PM on November 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


What is the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.
posted by teleri025 at 2:32 PM on November 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Knock knock.
Who's there?
Esther.
Esther who?
Esther bunny!

... and then shortly afterwards, send this one:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Stella.
Stella who?
Stella 'nother Esther bunny.

Works best around Easter, but never fails to crack up my kids all year round.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 2:35 PM on November 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Q: What's the difference between the Olsen Twins and a bowl of chili?
A: The Olsen Twins are not a spicy beef stew.
posted by cmoj at 2:36 PM on November 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


What do you get when you cross a dog with a cantaloupe? A melon-collie.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia.
posted by bettafish at 2:38 PM on November 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Why did the ghost go to the bar? For the boos!
posted by hannahelastic at 2:41 PM on November 8, 2012 [5 favorites]


A priest asked a rabbi "How come you never eat ham?" Rabbi says "It's against my religion. How come you never go out with girls?" Priest says "That's against my religion." Rabbi replies "You oughta try it, it's better than ham."
posted by Oriole Adams at 2:42 PM on November 8, 2012 [10 favorites]


What's so great about Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
posted by moonmilk at 2:42 PM on November 8, 2012 [28 favorites]


Two nuns are driving down a dark road when a vampire jumps on the hood of the car. The nun behind the wheel shouts to her passenger, "Quick, Sister Agnes, show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out the window and says, "Get off our car, you effing wanker!"
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:46 PM on November 8, 2012 [17 favorites]


What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.


The chicken and the egg have just finished making love, but the egg is kinda grumpy. The chicken says, "Hey, egg, what's wrong?" The egg laughs hollowly. "Well," he says, "Guess we answered that question."
posted by coppermoss at 2:51 PM on November 8, 2012 [5 favorites]


Q: What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"?

A: DR DRE, M*****F*****
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:53 PM on November 8, 2012 [16 favorites]


What does Snoop Dog use to clean his clothes?

Blee-atch.


Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.
posted by phunniemee at 2:54 PM on November 8, 2012 [6 favorites]


If she's nerdy:

Q: What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
A: An etymologist would know the difference.
posted by O9scar at 2:56 PM on November 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


So there's two sausages frying in a pan and the one sausage turns to the other sausage and says "Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?" And the other sausage says "Holy crap, a talking sausage!"
posted by Divine_Wino at 2:56 PM on November 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Divine_Wino, she loved that one!

This is great, you guys, much appreciated.
posted by ambrosia at 2:58 PM on November 8, 2012


What's the richest country in the world?
Ireland, because it's capital is always Dublin!
posted by jabes at 2:58 PM on November 8, 2012


Q: What is the most important thing about comedy?

(Before they have a chance to respond)

A: Timing.
posted by 4ster at 2:59 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?
A: "Nice belt."
posted by skrozidile at 3:00 PM on November 8, 2012


Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they don't know the words
posted by bebrave! at 3:06 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Q: Why doesn't Texas fall into the ocean?
A: Because Oklahoma sucks!
posted by Monsieur Caution at 3:08 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


A guy walks into his physician's office with carrot sticks hanging out of his nose and celery stalks sticking out of his ears. The doctor says, "Well, you're not eating right."

Q. Where does the general keep his armies?
A. In his sleevies.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 3:09 PM on November 8, 2012 [8 favorites]


How do you make an Amish woman happy?

Give her 2 Mennonite.
posted by themanwho at 3:09 PM on November 8, 2012 [5 favorites]


This is a bit "20th century", but I love a good pun:
Q: Why did Cinderella wait outside the photo shop?
A: She was waiting for her prints to come.
posted by luckynerd at 3:13 PM on November 8, 2012


What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.
posted by phunniemee at 3:28 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a tuba?
A: You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
posted by thylacinthine at 3:29 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Did you hear the one about the two goldfish in the tank?
One goldfish turns to the other one and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
posted by Spinneret at 3:35 PM on November 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


A Prairie Home Companion, the public-radio variety show hosted by Garrison Keillor, does an annual jokes show which will have you whimpering from the firehose of cheap giggling jokes.

Here's 2012's episode, from March. Note the transcript links. Might as well listen and take notes; they do runs of puns, they're littered with riddles, they've got a door-store's worth of knock-knock chokes (including a traditional song called "k-nock k-nock"), jokes where the norwegians make fun of the swedes, and vice versa, (tame variants of what I would call a Polish joke), a whole sorority of blonde jokes.

You're doing a great thing-- never underestimate the value of high morale in a fight to the death.
posted by Sunburnt at 3:58 PM on November 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Q: Do you know why, when geese fly in that V formation, one side of the V is longer than the other?


A: There are more geese on that side.
posted by 4ster at 4:01 PM on November 8, 2012 [8 favorites]


Why did the Holy Virgin drive a Ford?

Because she gave her Fiat to the Lord.

A nun told me that joke!
posted by trip and a half at 4:08 PM on November 8, 2012


I have to add my cantelope joke to the fray:

Q: Where do little cantelopes go in the summertime?
A: John Cougar Melloncamp
posted by natasha_k at 4:24 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Q: How do butterflies do sums?
A: MOTHEMATICS!

Q: Why did Elizabeth Arden?
A: Because Max Factor!
posted by ZipRibbons at 4:43 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Why does Lenin drink only herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft!
posted by calistasm at 4:46 PM on November 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


Q: What are the sexiest animals on the farm?
A: Brownchickenbrowncow!
posted by WaspEnterprises at 4:55 PM on November 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Q: Why does Snoop Doggy Dog always carry an umbrella?

A: Drizzle.
posted by 4ster at 5:00 PM on November 8, 2012


What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.

What do Mexicans cut their pizzas with?
Little Caesars.

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
posted by dephlogisticated at 5:15 PM on November 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Q. What do you call a hippie's wife?
A. Mrs. Hippie.
posted by mochapickle at 5:29 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


I submitted ten puns to a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
posted by hypersloth at 6:08 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Q: What's the difference between a joke and three dicks?
A: You mom can't take a joke.
posted by saladin at 6:09 PM on November 8, 2012 [16 favorites]


Did you hear about the fire at the circus?


It was intense.


(I giggle every time)
posted by one4themoment at 6:28 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick!
posted by Specklet at 6:41 PM on November 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel in his pants. Bartender asks, "Why do you have that wheel?" The pirate says "Yarr, it be drvin' me nuts."
posted by BeeDo at 7:09 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.
posted by okbye at 7:14 PM on November 8, 2012


Q: Why did the elephant paint her toenails red?

A: So she could hide in the strawberry patch.
posted by dorey_oh at 7:19 PM on November 8, 2012


Q: What do you get when you cross a nun with with an apple?

A: A computer that will never go down on you.


Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
posted by JujuB at 9:01 PM on November 8, 2012


Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Control freak. Ok, now you say "Control freak who"

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? A bull has the horns in the front and the ass in the back!
posted by Weeping_angel at 9:22 PM on November 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


Q: what's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?
A: on a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

Q: What's the difference between fish and meat?
A: If you beat your fish it will die.
posted by blob at 10:52 PM on November 8, 2012


So, I just watched this show on how ships are put together...



Riveting.
posted by maya at 11:39 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


I collect one-liners, puns, and short jokes for use as email signatures, but they'd work equally well as text messages...here's a few:
Never trust anyone directing traffic in a hospital gown.

Sign on a sewage treatment plant: "Our Duty Is Clear"

Just saw a doctor eating an apple - my whole life is a lie.

Matryoshka dolls are so full of themselves.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

If life gives you melons, you're dsylexic.

Marx's tomb is a communist plot.

"A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer." --Mitch Hedberg

The UN is just a country club.

Time travel is SO last week.

Six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.

One of the words in this sixteen word construct known as a sentence is PTERODACTYL extraneous.

Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Crowded elevators smell differently to midgets.

Like most Capricorns, I don't believe in astrology.

Most people are like Slinkies: No real purpose, but amusing when pushed down a set of steps.

The Lord says "Come forth and receive eternal life". I came fifth and won a toaster.

Most days, it's just not worth chewing through the straps in the morning.

As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch Yourself."

Q: You know what really burns my ass?
A: A 3 foot high flame.

Swans may fly and Eagles may soar, but Groundhogs don't get sucked into jet engines.

Q: What's orange and red and looks good on hippies?
A: Fire.

This sentence would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.

A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.

Wrapping paper is a total rip-off.

Eschew Obfuscation

If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Vote Anarchist

Stop Plate Tectonics

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Recent studies show that correlation implies causation.

Institute for Sexual Research: Trespassers will be Violated.

I'm ashamed of what I've done for a Klondike bar.

"I Think Not!", asserted Descartes, who promptly disappeared.

Aposiopesis makes me want to...

Thank God for Atheism!

If you pour root beer into a square glass, does that make it beer?

Please do not place unwanted children in the ice machines. Thank You, The Management.

Shot my first turkey today. Scared the shit out of everybody in the frozen food section.
I also make heavy use of select lines from the OK Soda Personality Inventory.
posted by namewithoutwords at 5:21 AM on November 9, 2012 [7 favorites]


dorey_oh: "Q: Why did the elephant paint her toenails red?

A: So she could hide in the strawberry patch.
"

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

A: It works!
posted by Grither at 5:21 AM on November 9, 2012


Q: What's green and has wheels?
A: Grass. (I lied about the wheels.)
posted by jbickers at 5:52 AM on November 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Q. How do you titillate an ocelot?
A. You oscillate its tit a lot.
posted by mnfn at 6:24 AM on November 9, 2012 [5 favorites]


Did you hear about the guy born with 5 penises?

His pants fit him like a glove.


A Chinese couple is in bed. The wife says: Wanna 69? The husband responds: Why would I want a broccoli with beef?
posted by zerobyproxy at 7:17 AM on November 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts cost about $3.50, but you can find deer nuts under a buck.
posted by doctord at 8:08 AM on November 9, 2012


What did the mean kids call Orlando Bloom when they took his building blocks?

Legoless.
posted by Turkey Glue at 8:16 AM on November 9, 2012 [3 favorites]


The Oatmeal has Dumb Jokes That Are Funny. Most of them are pretty dumb and funny and short.
posted by anaelith at 10:51 AM on November 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


A dumb, multipart joke:

Q: Why did the first squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: Because it died.

Q: Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was tied to the first squirrel.

Q: Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: Peer pressure.
posted by Violence at 11:15 AM on November 9, 2012


Did you know that a kangaroo can jump higher than a house? A kangaroo has powerful hind legs. Also, houses can't jump.
posted by ergo at 12:52 PM on November 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


So a skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a drink and a mop.
posted by Tsuga at 5:51 PM on November 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Knock knock.
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said you'd never forget.
posted by MuffinMan at 11:08 AM on November 10, 2012 [5 favorites]


Fantastic! Thank you all so much.
posted by ambrosia at 9:56 AM on November 11, 2012


Why did the little girl fall of the swing?
Because she has no arms.

Why couldn't she get back up again?
Because she has no legs.
posted by litleozy at 4:55 PM on November 11, 2012


Why was she called Bob?
Because she also likes swimming.
posted by MuffinMan at 2:33 AM on November 12, 2012


What did zero say to eight?

"Nice belt, man!"

sorry
posted by thisclickableme at 5:02 PM on November 12, 2012 [2 favorites]


Why did Karl Marx's toilet play music when flushed?

Because of the violins inherent in the system.
posted by stevedawg at 10:33 AM on November 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


Jeezuz! That punchline is supposed to be:

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.
posted by stevedawg at 10:46 AM on November 16, 2012


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