I'm positive I have HPPD: now what can I do about it?

October 17, 2006 6:55 PM

Lucyintheskieswithdiamondsfilter: I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from HPPD. What can I do about it?

Before I begin, let me just note that I already regret it enough that I would ask that you spare me the life lessons and reprimands.

Anyhoo.

For a period of a year and a half or two years, I got very deeply into the drug culture and had adventures all across the board, from the mildest to the hardest. It's...inseperably a part of me now, but one of the things I did the most often was hallucinogens.

Mushrooms, LSD--but most often LSD. Well, for a long, long time now, I've been experiencing flashbacks. And they're not these, "suddenly everything was green man" flashbacks; when I'm looking at things and I'm completely rested and awake they sometimes shimmer, but more importantly, when I lack proper rest and am extremely tired, the symptoms are exacerbated: I feel a slight "tripping" sensation, objects and things visibly have this ethereal glow, sometimes morph. If I stay still long enough, these very subtle patterns form to the point where if I eventually blink I realize the "thing" has changed its pattern completely from what it was before.

Even as I type this now I'm a little tired and all the gray text boxes have this purple shimmer to them.

The point is, I'm fucking worried. What have I done to my brain? Is there any way to reverse it? Is there anyway to get an MRI or something, to see if I have certain parts of my brain affected? Can I have something...fucking, drained? I donno.

What if that one time I can't remember a word, or that one time I turn a doorknob a certain way, or that one time I perform some act some way it's because my brain chemistry's fucked up? I'm pragmatically capable with all my faculties, but it still scares the shit out of me.

If I'm screwed for life, then I guess that's my cross to bear, but I don't want to believe it's like that. Can anyone else relate personal tales? Advice? I'm not ready to say anything to my parents yet (I'm under 18). Can I go to a doctor confidentially about this?

posted by Lockeownzj00 to health & fitness (21 comments total)

Uh, wow.

From my understanding, yes, you can go see a doctor. I'd like to ask how old you are, though - at 17 you may be able to go see a doctor and get some sense of privacy, but if you're only 14 or something...there might be issues.

Regardless, you need to be honest with someone who's a medical professional, even if you have to get your folks involved. I understand, at your age, my parents wouldn't have taken kindly to me regailing them with my drug culture stories.

But you need to talk to someone, and if you can't find anyone else, you're going to have to swallow the pride and talk to your folks. You're writing style doesn't speak under-18, so I'd imagine you've got a bit more on the ball and are a little more mature than the average kid your age. Use that to your advantage.
posted by plaidrabbit at 7:19 PM on October 17, 2006

You will get better, don't worry. Skip the doctors as they can not help here. Skip the lucy too.
posted by caddis at 7:30 PM on October 17, 2006

17, if that helps.

I'm just wondering, though, if I can just walk into a doctor's office and ask for a friggin' brain scan. I mean, that seems like the only thing that can be done to see if anything's "imbalanced..."
posted by Lockeownzj00 at 7:56 PM on October 17, 2006

Take pop psychology for what you will: Dr. Drew's Advice.
posted by absalom at 8:06 PM on October 17, 2006

I'm just wondering, though, if I can just walk into a doctor's office and ask for a friggin' brain scan

No, that isn't going to work out so well. Even if you did see a doctor and the doctor did suggest a brain scan, someone's gotta pay. I'm guessing your allowance won't cover it and you'll need to use insurance. Even if you were able to hide it from the 'rents at that point, the insurance company will mail out one of those claim form/amount paid thingys.

I had a friend in high school who did acid a lot and had issues like yours. He stopped the acid and all the issues went away in about a year or so.
posted by necessitas at 8:09 PM on October 17, 2006

It doesn't sound to me like this is a clear cut case of: 'do nothing' or 'call a mental health practioner now'.

I think whatever you do, you should try and keep a diary of your symptoms, their frequency and whether they correspond to any particuar stimulii or mood.

The mind is a strange thing: I doubt there is one person alive who hasn't at some point felt like 'the world looked kinda funny today'. The question is: at what point will what you experience interfere with function and happiness? And: is this a trifle or a harbinger of other things to come?


Make serious notes, so whether you end up talking with a shaman, a doctor or some other psychedelic professional (I would recommend the latter: specifically a psychiatrist who is not knee-jerk averse to pyschedellics and not a prozac-happy-overprescriber), you can talk from a position of knowledge about what your symptoms actually are. You should also discreetly enquire as to whether there is any history of mental illness in your family for the same reasons.

Obviously, if things turn to dark thoughts, you should contact medical help immediately. No more lucy for you for a while I think.

IANAD - please take this and all other advice from the internet with a pinch of salt.
posted by lalochezia at 8:13 PM on October 17, 2006

it fades away in time to a rare, occasional glow ... as long as you don't have anything stronger than what you've described it's nothing to worry about

some say in time that one can learn to control it, but that takes a lot of drug-free mental disipline and work and may not be really worth it and isn't really the point, anyway
posted by pyramid termite at 8:17 PM on October 17, 2006

I went through something very similar years ago. I was a mess for a few months, was truly convinced I'd never be the same, etc. Then I got better. You'll be fine, though I'd recommend getting checked out for depression. Also, try to get lots of exercise, sleep, and be healthy in general. The shimmery thing is weird - I remember at the time I was playing way too much Doom and kept trying to look around corners in 2-dimensional objects feeling like horrible things were waiting just out of view.
posted by Astragalus at 8:35 PM on October 17, 2006

A friend of a friend, who has a similar background of intense exploration but many more years of distance between his phase of experimentation and yours (e.g. his phase occured 10-15 years ago) had this to say:

"My heart really went out to you when I read this post. Years ago, I could have written it.

Based on my own experience, I think your biggest problem is anxiety, not flashbacks or HPPD. Who knows, you may indeed have mild HPPD. But, from your post, that's not what you're afraid of. You're afraid of losing control -- of yourself or of your mind.

Such persistent, obsessional, and invasive fears are symptomatic of various anxiety disorders, especially panic disorder. People who have never taken psychedelics fear the same things, but for other reasons, drawn from the own lives and experiences (e.g., someone may have a schizophrenic relative and have panic or anxiety attacks over fears of developing schizophrenia themselves). Other people with panic/anxiety disorders fear more physical catastrophes, such as fainting, suffocating, or having a heart attack.

This isn't to say you definitely have an anxiety disorder -- you may just be freaking yourself out right now, and it may just be a passing phase. But if you continue having spells of intense anxiety/panic over these fears, it may be time to see a therapist or psychiatrist. If you do seek professional help, I don't know whether it would be wise to mention the psychedelic use (since you're under 18); I would suggest just talking about your fears of losing control. Lots of people develop fears about going insane or losing control for totally different reasons -- maybe, for instance, they saw a movie or read a story about someone who went insane, and they started to think "what if it happens to me?" On the other hand, if you develop good rapport & trust with whoever you talk to, and feel comfortable disclosing the information, it could be fine.

Anxiety disorders are treated with a variety of methods, including cognitive-behavioral therapy and medication (e.g., anti-anxiety medication or SSRI anti-depressants). There's no one-size-fits-all solution, and dealing with persistent anxiety is always a work in progress. Interestingly, some of the same anti-anxiety medications used to treat panic disorders are also prescribed for HPPD.

As for the possibility of HPPD . . . Do the visual distortions significantly impair your ability to function on a day-to-day basis (that is, when you're not vigilantly looking for them & worrying about them)? E.g., do you have trouble driving at night because of all the tracers? Do you have trouble reading the words on the screen or on a page? If it's not that bad (and I suspect it isn't), my advice is to try not to worry about it -- not only will worrying about it most likely make it worse, a lot of people with mild HPPD just learn to live with it as a mild annoyance. This former psychonaut can make the walls melt & breathe whenever he wants; in fact, he's come to think of it as a way of entertaining himself while waiting in line with nothing to read. And, yes, it is significantly more likely to happen when you're tired or stressed (late nights in the office are guaranteed to make the grid of an excel spreadsheet start to twist & waver, especially in the periphery of the visual field). There's even a theory that everyone experiences this sort of thing to some degree, but that most people just don't notice. To put it another way, what are you more afraid of -- a) the possibility of having mild HPPD or, b) the possibility that having HPPD might mean something much more horrible? From your post, it sounds like b is the much bigger fear, which is why I'm inclined to look at this as an anxiety issue, not an "I did too much acid" issue.

And, I assume you know about erowid.org, but in case not, check out the reading materials in the lsd vault. Also take a look at their HPPD FAQ. The HPPD FAQ also has a link to this website which hosts an active, online support group & links to various articles (be warned, though, the letters beneath the HPPD banner are actually distorted in a very realistically trippy way -- not a very nice trick, IMO!). Very best of luck and wishes to you. You will get this through this."
posted by treepour at 8:35 PM on October 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

Maybe you're implying this and I'm missing it, but how clean are you now? You have directly (and negatively) impacted your brain chemistry. As requested, I won't tell you what to do, but know that for even completely sober persons, HPPD can continue to be a part of their lives for months (and years) to come.

IANAD, but I will let you know what may be included in any medical advice you receive: stop all drug/alcohol use immediately if you want this situation to improve. According to wiki, lesser drugs/alcohol at this point can actually make your condition worse.

Being without individual health insurance is a problem, but something that helped friends of mine in situations like this (no parental notification) was to use the student clinic at our university. I know you're not in college, but people who were not affiliated with the school (and without insurance) could usually get the attention they needed for their issue. If they couldn't make an appointment directly with a doctor, these places are usually full of practicioners and/or residents who are full of good (medical) advice.
posted by littlelebowskiurbanachiever at 8:57 PM on October 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

Oh, also (sorry for posting twice), for what it's worth, this site, hppdonline.com suggests some simple tricks to help with symptoms that include wearing sunglasses all the time (to help lessen the impact of going from bright-to-dark envirnoments), and avoiding stimulants (which tend to make symptoms worse).
posted by treepour at 9:03 PM on October 17, 2006

How long ago did you stop doing hallucinogens?

Reason I ask is because the "lingering effects" wore off with time, for me.

I used to be heavily into hallucinogens. In the last 3 months of 1998, I ate approximately 120 hits of LSD. (The reason that I can account for so much of it is because I ate most of it in large doses, and can remember specific trips) This was after about 4-5 years of eating acid every weekend for about half the year.

A few years later, I got really into 5MEO-DMT. During the 5 months that I was into it, I went through a few grams of this stuff. God, that sounds weird, doesn't it? Most people don't even like 5MEO-DMT enough to try it a second time.

Anyway, the point of this post is not to recount my "war stories." The point is that it all kinda screwed me up. Prior to 1998, I always had slight OCD tendencies. However, it wasn't until after my big acid phase that my OCD came into full bloom. A couple years later, the DMT took care of the rest. Day-to-day life became very difficult. I would sit in my apartment and spend hours worrying about things that quite literally did not exist. I alienated most of my friends. I lost my ability to type.

Let's face it. I went kinda mad.

However, things got better after I quit using hallucinogens. I found a really good psychologist who helped me out for a few months. I rebuilt my psyche over time, more or less from scratch. I found ways to channel my natural hyperactive paranoid energy into useful pursuits.

It's now been almost four years since the darkest of my dark days. Since then, I've graduated college, moved to a new city, and now hold a responsible position at a multimillion-dollar company. At times, it's been hard to see the progress that I was making, but I know that I've come a really long way in a few short years. I believe that the mind has a natural tendency to heal itself if we aren't actively doing things to hurt it.

Look, I'll never be normal. However, were normal ever an option for me, I doubt that I ever would have been interested in hallucinogens to begin with. The drugs educated me in some ways and left me bereft in others. In the end, though, I've learned a lot about what it's like to be a human being walking the face of the earth, and I believe that over time, things will continue to improve.
posted by Jake Apathy at 9:47 PM on October 17, 2006

Fwiw, I used to experience tracer-like effects under cetrain circumstances for about 2+ years after i stopped taking hallucinigens. For a time I was really paranoid about it being permanent. Then I got used to it. One day, I noticed that it didn't happen anymore. I did a decent amount, but not nearly as much as others i've known, so I would suspect that this condition is kind of random.

To this day (8 years later) I still get weird feelings just from talking about lsd, shrooms or e, like if i get into a situation where someone I meet starts telling me about thier trip, I'll start experiencing really mild, but unwanted 'trip' feelings. Generally I listen to a part of the story and try to change the subject.

As an aside, I've seemed to develop a bit of a tolerance to novacaine, which my dentist thought odd since that only happens to people who have done a lot of hallicinogens :)

You will be fine, but I don't think you'd be hurt by speaking with a psychologist or psychiatrist if you feel overwhelmed by your experiences.
posted by efalk at 11:46 PM on October 17, 2006

Forgot to add this part, since you specified, I would get the trip feelings when i was especially tired, or very hungry as well, so I know precisely what you mean. if anything, this experience might make you much more hesitant to over indulge in drugs in the future, which is a good thing :)
posted by efalk at 11:49 PM on October 17, 2006

The short version: My advice is to stop worrying about it, because the worry is probably causing more harm than the HPPD at this point. No, you can't get something drained. No you're not screwed for life. Telling your parents probably won't improve the situation. I think your brain is probably just fine.

The long version, includes rationale:

I have done some limited research on the pharmacology of LSD, and I've never come across any mention of neurotoxicity, or it permanently changing the structure or chemistry of any particular brain regions. Your body is quite effective at taking apart the hallucinogens you eat using its various enzymes, so it's not that they're lingering around that's causing the experiences you've been having.

The only recreational drugs (that I think are within the scope of this question) that I've read cause brain damage are dissociatives like DXM, PCP, and ketamine, and ecstasy. So if brain damage is what you're worried about, I think it is extremely unlikely unless you have consumed high doses of those drugs.

So, now you have some basis for my assertion that your brain is probably fine. That doesn't really say anything about why you're experiencing what you're experiencing. Everything from here on is based on anecdotal evidence and personal experience, and I am not a doctor, so take this with the necessary grain of salt. However I think it provides a sensible way to look at, and deal with, your current situation.

My own conjecture on the matter is that when you trip, you make it very clear to yourself that what you see is a representation of all the data that comes in your eyes. Thus, by tripping you've essentially internalized the fact that the representation can be modified, and in a limited way, how to modify it. So I think that when you experience the effects of HPPD that you describe, what is happening is that you are modifying your representation slightly, without meaning to. Obviously this is not comprehensive, and doesn't rule out chemical changes to your brain. However I think it provides a reasonable explanation of your experience without the need to bring brain chemistry into the picture.

Or, put another way, I think this is a likely software issue, not a necessarily a hardware issue. This is good, it means you can exercise some control over the situation.

Finally, what should you do? It has been my experience that the effects of HPPD are increased by fatigue, intense emotion, stress, and concentrating on the effects themselves. I've also found that the effects tend to fade with time. So, you should avoid all the things that increase the effects. Relax, try to keep up with everything in your life so you're not too stressed, and don't worry about the effects themselves. I think the best way to not worry about the effects, is to get comfortable with them. I think the best way to get comfortable with them is to exercise some control over them. Play with them, see what you can make them do. You'll probably get bored after a while, or maybe even end up enjoying it. Either way I think you'll be less worried than before, which will probably reduce the effects and make you a happier person all around.

I apologize for the length of this. You asked for advice, but I didn't want to just say "don't worry" without providing any justification. I realize now that I may have gotten a little carried away, but it'd be silly to delete stuff just because it's long. Regardless of what you decide to do, I wish you all the best, and am quite sure that things will work out to your satisfaction in one way or another.
posted by benign at 12:56 AM on October 18, 2006

Just a clarification to ya'll--I thought I made it pretty clear that I quit doing drugs a while ago.

Thanks for all the advice, people--it's really relieved me in many ways. I'd just like to note that I'm really not "tricking" myself into thinking I have these symptoms. I don't have Munchausens. I specifically waited on posting this for about 4 months just to make sure it wasn't "just me." I know when shit morphs.

It never occurred to me that my life itself may be exacerbating the effects, as well--I am in a pretty stressful leg of it, so I can understand that. I'm going to try to push it out of my mind a little more.

<3 metafilter.
posted by Lockeownzj00 at 3:28 AM on October 18, 2006

PLease don't worry too much.

I was you. I did tons of LSD over my late teens early 20s, and had intermittent and constant visual effects. They are certainly real, but they will go away. I'm 32 now and never see anything weird anymore.

I should also note that during that period I graduated high school, attended college, and did just fine. This is probably not affecting your functional thought processes, aside from the anxiety produced by worrying that you killed your brain. I know I am just as smart as I always was. And, anecdotally, my dad did a lot of acid way back in the 60s, and he's one of the smartest folks I know.

Random note-- I didn't know LSD was still done. I know you regret some of you experimentation, but this old woman (heh) I kinda glad that it's not all Es and blow with the kids these days. LSD did some really good things for me, especially my empathy.

Do take care of yourself. If you have any specific questions about when and how my visuals went away, please feel free to email me offline!
posted by miss tea at 4:49 AM on October 18, 2006

Could it just be that you are tired? About six months after the birth of my daughter I was convinced I was becoming schizophrenic. I would see things, usually people, as well as colors and trails. When I told my mother she sagely asked, "Well, how much sleep are you getting?" I realized I wasn't getting more than 2 hours of sleep at a time, and not more than 4-5 hours a night. Since then, I have had some weeks where I just don't sleep and the same thing happens.

I might go see your local herbalist. You may have some seretonin issues, and there are things like tryptophan that can help you with that.
posted by frecklefaerie at 6:48 AM on October 18, 2006

Just another voice adding the same story and advice. I did acid and mushrooms for months when I was your age, and got occasional tracers for years. Got paranoid as well, but looking back I think that was just my life.

Personally, I feel that you're simply more aware of visual effects that happen to everyone all the time. The nervous system is wonderfully adaptable, and you're just noticing that. When you stare at something for ages, your eyes and brain adapt - specifically, in layman's terms, the neurons stop firing so much, so your brain fills in the gaps. And your brain has had some interesting training at filling in gaps! But visual hallucinations are very easy to induce in everyone, regardless of drug experiences.

Don't be scared. It will go away. It did for me and it did for others here.

You may want to go to a good doctor that you trust. I went to one on my then-University campus, who told me that just about every lecturer had complained of the same thing :-)

You might also want to consider that this is a symptom of depression or anxiety, rather than the anxiety being a symptom of the hallucinations. The "trippy feeling" could just be adrenalin, for example.
posted by ajp at 7:06 AM on October 18, 2006

I wouldn't worry about it too much. It may take some time for you to fully recover, but you will likely improve with time.

Also- even though you said that you quit doing drugs- in case you don't count marijuana in that statement, your symptoms could be exacerbated by marijuana use.
posted by owl at 9:26 AM on October 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

You'll be fine but if you're still having problems make sure you stay off the pot because that can prolong revoery or even make things worse.
posted by razzman at 12:32 PM on November 26, 2006