I'm your dream boyfriend, so why am I still single?

September 16, 2006 5:01 PM

I've been single for 4 years. Why? What do I do now?

I am 23 year old gay male, and I'm extremely lonely. I can't figure out why, but I've been single pretty much forever. I'm a catch, and it's not just that my mom says so. I'm extremely good looking (I turn heads when I walk around in gay ghettoes), graduated from a top college, am well read and well travelled, have a great sense of humor, and I'm a good listener and generous with my time and money.
It's getting really depressing for me that I somehow strike out with every single guy I try and talk to whether through myspace or guys I meet through friends or out at bars or clubs. I've followed every bit of advice I've gotten, from the "be really shameless and ask out anyone who interests you" to the "he'll come to you as soon as you stop looking," but nothing.
Pretty much the only thing that gives me solace (and it's entirely wishful thinking) is the thought that maybe guys see me and they don't approach me because they figure I couldn't possible be single. I know that's a really narcissistic view to take but it's the only thing I can come up with.

My question is, what action do I take? I know I shouldn't base my entire existence around my romantic life, but at this point it's a huge problem for me and it makes me feel really inferior. I just feel like I'd be a much happier guy if I had a boyfriend to spend time with and direct my attention towards.

addendum: if there's some institution or dating service or whatever you think I should try, I live in Orange County and work in Los Angeles.

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 comments total)

When you say you strike out, do you mean that you never get past an initial conversation with anyone you approach? Or do you get to the dating stage (maybe one or two) and nothing pans out? Have you ever had a boyfriend?

I don't mean to sound like I'm interrogating you -- those were just some of the questions that immediately came to mind as I was reading your post, which may help shed a little light on the situation.
posted by scody at 5:29 PM on September 16, 2006

Oh shoot, I just realized you posted anonymously, and so can't respond here. If you feel up to responding to me personally (my email is in my profile), I'll certainly keep your identity private.
posted by scody at 5:31 PM on September 16, 2006

You say guys don't approach you ... but how often do you approach guys yourself?

My suggestion would be the next time you meet someone off myspace, or in the bar or whatever... and then you 'strike out,' (which I assume means you don't hear from them)... try and follow up with them... and maybe they will be honest with you and tell you why.
posted by ninefour at 5:35 PM on September 16, 2006

$5 sock puppet magic! I'm the original question poster here to answer any questions.

scody: I had one boyfriend for 6 months. He was an exchange student and moved back to Europe and nothing happened to me since then. Occasionally, I'll find a guy I like and go out on dates. Usually within 2 weeks to a month it's over, and I never understand why. I have been told by guys who've dumped me after a month and with whom I'm still friends, all sorts of wonderful compliments about how great I am and how I'll find a boyfriend soon enough, but I just wasn't right for them. What on earth is that about?
posted by tumbleweedjack at 5:40 PM on September 16, 2006

I have no experience in the world of gay dating but people are people and I imagine its no different. Stunning, knockout attractive women who are beautiful enough to get any guy can sometimes (maybe even often) find themselves single too. They could pick someone up at a club but nothing lasts. Clearly there is more to it than looks.

When you meet someone in a romantic setting you don't (normally) make a mental checklist going over their pro's and con's before deciding if you're attracted. You either feel it or you don't. You clearly have insecurities and maybe feel a bit desperate. This is nothing to be ashamed of - I think the majority of the population has felt this at some time, including myself. The key is to recognize that becacuse you are not one with yourself, you are sending out needy vibes that turn people off. you need to come to terms with your insecurities and choose to be confident and comfortable with yourself. (it's not easy.)

"he'll come to you as soon as you stop looking" is good advice. But what the hell does it mean? how can you stop looking if you're still looking? your friend is telling you to stop imagining yoruself in relationships with people and let yourself live in the moment. don't clutter up your interactions with expectations about where it is going. this puts up a wall between you and believe me, people can sense it.

Try this site: www.doubleyourdating.com. It has changed my life and I have recommended it to a lot of people. Again it assumes you are interested in women but I think the pricniples would still apply.
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:42 PM on September 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

Well, I wonder if, due to having had only one boyfriend and your obvious interest in a relationship, if you might be (unbeknownst to yourself) over-focusing on a guy when you start to date -- maybe you're just coming off as over-eager, too ready to please or agree, too available, too ready to "make him" your boyfriend? (This is all just me brainstorming, but trying to put myself in your shoes to see how I might behave under similar circumstances.) If that's the case, it may have the unintended consequence of pushing someone away -- after all, the only people who really want to the be the end-all, be-all center of someone else's universe are narcissists.

So do you have your own steady social circle and hobbies/activities? (And speaking of hobbies/activities, maybe that's a better way to meet guys than the bar scene or on myspace.) One of the key things I found attractive when I was back in the dating game (and that I worked to cultivate myself when I was single) was meeting someone who with an active, interesting, fulfilling life all their own, even without a relationship. Which is not to say you have to jettison the basic desire for a boyfriend -- it's fine to want to find a partner, but it's important (and healthy, and attractive) to have a life that's full and (generally) happy even without that partner. A potentially tricky balance, I know.
posted by scody at 6:35 PM on September 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

I always thought I had seen it all and then I found this posting. that a gay male in california could be lonely ... okay, not fair.

here's my tip: move to west hollywood.

seriously, the problem with the OC is that you drive everywhere in your hermetically sealed-off car. you only go where you meant to go and you only meet who you meant to meet. there are very few happy acidents and chance encounters. that's not necessarily different in los angeles but at least the gay populus has two highly concentrated areas to meet: santa monica proper to shop and eat and west hollywood to party.

seriously, get out of the OC. that place is for rich republicans and blond bimbos.
posted by krautland at 6:52 PM on September 16, 2006

I think scody's advice is good. Just popping in to note that, if you've had one longish relationship (6 mo) and a number of several-dates-to-a-month dating experiences, you really aren't very far out of the norm for other 23 year olds, including straight 23 year olds. (And I do think the gay male dating scene is more difficult for a number of reasons.) So even though singleness is a situation that you're displeased about, at least you shouldn't feel like you are bizarrely aberrant. It may be partly a matter of chance, just having not found someone you click with yet.

Have you tried the usual online dating sites, match and so on?
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:00 PM on September 16, 2006

Heh. Until I got to the end of this, I thought you were a pal of mine who bitches about the same thing. He IS a catch; if I were gay, I'd go for him. (Which does him little good).

Not to be crude, but what another friend recommended to him was to start going to gay or fetish clubs and get used to having a lot of random sex. It was explained under the theory that the halflife for relationships among gay men is shorter, and that the best chance of landing in a long-term thing was to turn a hook-up into a regular session, and take that into dating.
I could also understand if, though this was not the grounds under which the theory was offered, having sex more often takes the edge off of the desperation. That is a tried and true strategy for us straight folks (and why the rebound is often a launching pad).
posted by klangklangston at 8:22 PM on September 16, 2006

IANAGay Male 20-something Head-turning Single, but I remember going thorugh what you describe, and then there was a big shift for me that seems like it might be relevant for you. I used to imagine something like a spectrum of good-catchiness that a person could have, and that my point on that spectrum drove who would want a relationship with me. If I was high enough on the spectrum, the date opposite me would fall for me. The result of that kind of thinking is that, when he didn't, I felt like I must be lower on the spectrum than I had immodestly thought, and when this happened repeatedly over a long period of time, I felt "really inferior," as you put it.

At some point, I started thinking about connections instead of spectrum rankings. I realized that the people I want relationships with aren't the ones who are at or above a certain point on some imaginary spectrum, they're the people I feel a undefinable but undeniable connection with. It doesn't make me better or worse if dates don't have that connection with me. It's about being in synch, not being or failing to be attractive enough.

A really critical part of this shift is that as a result, I didn't have to wonder obsessively about whether someone liked me enough to keep wanting to see me. I could sense the connection or lack thereof myself. Maybe this, which was a revelation to me, comes naturally to most people and/or to you, but for me, the idea that I could tune in and notice the connection, just like my dates presumably did, was a big change. I stopped feeling (and probably projecting) as much neediness. I was (and came across as) more in tune with myself and with the unfolding relationship.

So, if you're not already noticing how the connection is feeling while you're on a date, instead of worrying about whether he'll like you enough to keep seeing you, my advice is to try that.
posted by daisyace at 5:07 AM on September 17, 2006 [3 favorites]

I am a gay male, though not a head turner, and I've been where you are, in some ways.

First off, I think klang's advice is almost certainly wrong. Basing a relationship on hot sex is, generally, pointless. (Yes, it does happen. Yes, I have friends who are couples who met 10-20-30 years ago in the back room at a bathhouse. But they are rare). I don't have anything against hot sweaty oily naked random sex--don't get that idea. It's just that it's really not a good strategy if what you're looking for is companionship.

Definitely get out there, pursue your interests. You'll meet people. Straight girls will also be a big help--every straight girl has several gay friends. Bam! Instant network.

Part of the problem you're having is a function of age. I think I've said this elsewhere here before, but: since gay boys tend to not come out until usually the end of high school, there's about 4 years or so of teenage angsty dating experience that they don't have. A lot of the time, a newly-out gay boy fresh out of high school in an academic sense is in reality just beginning high school in a socially romantic sense. Cue a good few years of horrible high-school-style relationships, exacerbated by the fact that everyone involved is nominally a grownup, or at least more inclined to think of themselves as one.

The end result is that gay boys often don't really start forming meaningful relationships until 23-25 years of age (and we all know that some never do).

I think daisyace makes a great point. You want a relationship--most people do. But when you've been single for a while, that gets amplified, reads as neediness, and turns people off. It happens--this isn't a judgement on you. It's also possible that the 'I'm hot and smart why am I single' thinking has resulted in some bitterness--which also comes through very easily.

Just a few thoughts--I hope they help. If you feel like it, my email is in my profile--and new friends are always nice :)
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:27 AM on September 17, 2006 [2 favorites]

LobsterMitten makes a great point. It sounds like you're used to focusing on (and attaining) very high goals in most parts of your life, and you have similarly high standards for your love life. Your situation isn't abnormal, it's typical & average for someone so young -- it's just that being average feels abnormal to you, so it feels like you're abnormally unsuccessful here when you're not really.
posted by allterrainbrain at 8:05 AM on September 17, 2006

Also: since you ask, I will also recommend okcupid as by far the best matching site I've tried (it's entirely free and looks like it might actually stay that way).
posted by allterrainbrain at 8:08 AM on September 17, 2006