Clueless-what to do about my crush?

August 4, 2006 10:46 PM

I am seeking advice/opinions on the situation with my crush. So many questions - is it a hopeless situation?

“Hi- (this is a long post, I apologize) I have been friends with this guy for almost 3 years, and I would say we are pretty close. I have had a crush on him for a while. I think it might be helpful to say up front that he is extremely shy, lacking a bit in self-confidence, and has never had a girlfriend or been kissed even. Also important to note is that he is one of those people who does not communicate so well. He rarely makes contact with others. People just know that you have to call him, and he’ll respond, but he won’t do any inviting or anything. (We have talked about it before, he and I, I would bet $500 that he has mild Asperger’s). Other things that I think are important (yes, i overanalyze): he has positive, open body language when around me, he remembers the little details about things we talk about, he makes strong eye contact when we talk, he was making obvious steps at breaking his personal space boundaries with me-though there still seems to be a bit of a wall.

We would hang out a lot and it seemed like he was hinting that he was interested in me. (He was interested in the nature of my friendship with one of his teammates-he thought that maybe I was sleeping with the teammate, but no, we are just friends. He also mentioned to me that even though as a football player he has access to sorority girls, but that’s not what he’s looking for) I am pretty sure that I am the only girl that he hangs out with, especially one-on-one. And we talk about everything. He’s very comfortable with me. I told him at the end of the semester (first week of May) that I like having him as a friend, but that I am interested in him as more than a friend. He didn’t really say anything, and I didn’t hear from him for a month. So I sent him a text, asking him if he wanted to come over and watch movies, and he did. For the next few weekends, he was over on Friday and Saturday nights, we had a great time, and he would always stay until 4 or 5 a.m. He was being flirty (which is not his normal demeanor), and putting out pretty obvious signs that he was interested. The subject of what I said to him was never brought up.

So, I decided to ask him about it. I hit him up on instant messenger, and asked him if he remembered it, and what he thought. He said that he had given it a lot of thought, and that he didn’t know. He also said that I was the first person to ever express interest in him in that way, and he didn’t know how to react. He said that he was (is?) interested, thinks we get along great together, but at the same time was unsure. It was going nowhere, so I asked him if he would feel better talking in person.

He came over, and usually he has no problem talking to me. He was very nervous. He told me that he was interested, that he had liked me before I said anything, that he had spent a lot of time thinking about it, but at the same time he had reservations (like the fact that we both graduate next spring). He started backpedaling and contradicting himself. On one hand he likes me, etc. and on the other not so much. He did admit that he was throwing out signals left and right that he was interested. The conversation wasn’t really helpful, and I was more confused.

I wrote him a letter. In it, I reiterated how I felt, and asked him for clarification on his thoughts. One of my friends helped me write it, and she phrased it so that he would have to decide if he wanted to date me or not. (I shoot from the hip, but usually not so girly). He responded, and his letter had more contradictions. He said that the letter made him feel "uneasy and a bit trapped". At the end, he said that if he has to make a choice now, he would have to say no-but that could change. A couple things were a little hurtful (but I don't feel that he was trying deliberately to hurt my feelings-he has issues with communicating). For example, he is on the football team. I am a tutor for the athletics department, and most of the football players know who I am (I am good friends with a few of them too). He said that it would be weird and embarrassing. His letter seems to have a lot of fear in it. I decided to just continue being friends, because I do value his friendship.

I invited him over via text a week later, just like I usually do. He responded in less than 5 minutes, came over, and it was just like before the letters. He was flirty, we had a blast, he stayed until 5 a.m. He also came over the next weekend, but it was a little weird. We were both really tired (but he still came over), and he wasn’t very talkative, and it seemed like there was something he wasn’t telling me. I asked him before he left if something was wrong, and he said no, but he turned red (so I think he wasn’t being truthful).

I guess I have a few questions. I am kinda clueless when it comes to this sort of thing. Does it seem like he’s interested or not? Why would he contradict himself? Is it foolish to think that he might come around and change his mind (if it does need changing-not sure here)? Why would he act flirty if he didn’t want to go there? Do you think he comes over because he feels bad about it, or has nothing better to do? Do you think that he just needs it to move at his pace? Should I quit acting like the buddy, being more flirty? Why the mixed messages? Is it just a hopeless situation (am I doomed to the Friend Zone)?

I feel like that if he really wasn’t interested in me that he would try to avoid me, because it would be awkward (am i off base?). I also would think that if he wasn’t interested at all, he would tell me that he likes me just as a friend. I feel like maybe he contradicted himself because I scared him and it moved too quickly for him. I think that actions speak louder than words, and that (maybe) guys don’t spend that much time with girls that they aren’t interested in. I think that the positives and negatives don’t add up. I don’t want to cling to false hopes, but I want to be fair. He’s the type of guy that ‘normal’ guy standards don’t seem to apply to.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and again, sorry it is so long. I hope someone can offer some advice or insight.

posted by bolognius maximus to human relations (23 comments total)

Well, I was in a similar situation. I had a friend who was similar to yours in many ways. He had never kissed a girl either. We hung out and had a great time together, so one day I just kissed him. To make a long story short, we are married now.

I think you already made the situation sort of awkward by talking about it and he isn't not not interested, so I would just kiss him. Maybe he'll have less reservations then 'cause you got things moving. Maybe he's just scared to get the ball rolling.

My husband was too nervous to do anything even though he liked me. But once I kissed him, everything moved along. He may have never done anything if I hadn't started it.
posted by disaster77 at 11:03 PM on August 4, 2006

Seconding what disaster77 said. Forget talking and letters for a minute and lay one on him. He's probably just petrified of making the first move.
posted by nyterrant at 11:13 PM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

Youth is wasted on the young. Look at your watch. This is the 21st century. Kiss him already. If he wasn't interested, he wouldn't come over. If he's never done it before, it's cuz he didn't get the manual. Nobody got the manual. Life doesn't come with an effin' manual. Kiss him already.

If he reacts negatively, you'll know. If it ruins the friendship and you two never speak again, you'll get over it. Have a good cry if you think it'll help, then move on. If he reacts positively, might be great. Might suck, but at least you'll know. That's the bad part. If you never try? You'll never know. So just effin' kiss him already.

Oh. And stop overanalyzing. Take it from me. Doesn't help. However, like most of us, you'll just have to figure that one out on your own the hard way. Like I said, youth is wasted on the young. What are you doin' still readin' this? Go kiss him already.
posted by ZachsMind at 11:26 PM on August 4, 2006 [6 favorites]

Could he be gay? I have a couple of (masculine, straight-acting, sports-playing macho) gay friends who seem to feel almost obligated to flirt with women who come on to them. The one I've known longest (about six years) will take women's numbers, meet them again occasionally, even (hit me up for cab-fare to) go home with them. But he's very reluctant to tell them he's gay, and not at all interested in sex with them. He's not closeted at all, it's more like he doesn't want to disappoint these women. But he's flirtatious as hell with women sometimes (sometimes I think just to get my goat).

He told me once about some woman who'd met him through a group, who had a crush on him (she thought he looked like a famous ball-player, who ironically has been rumored to be gay). I asked why he didn't just tell her he was gay -- most of us in that group already knew he was gay, and it was by no means a gay-unfriendly group --, why not just tell her and let her off the hook. But for reasons he didn't quite articulate, he didn't want to tell her. On another occasion, when I was present to see him flirting, I asked why he'd taken a woman's number, and he explicitly said he didn't want to disappoint her, but that of course he wasn't going to call her.

And he has a couple of close female friends (who do know he's gay) who he enjoys hanging out with, going to parties with, drinking with, etc. But for sex, he's got a boyfriend (who also does the flirting with women crap). (The boyfriend claims to get a kick out of flirting with / teasing women, more so than my friend, who just acts as if he "gets trapped" into "not disappointing" the women.)
posted by orthogonality at 11:42 PM on August 4, 2006

...If he's gay, so what? Kiss him already. Then you'll know.
posted by ZachsMind at 11:48 PM on August 4, 2006

Does it seem like he’s interested or not?

I think he could well be interested and just way too scared to do anything about it as disaster77 and nyterrant say. If you do lay one on him, do not be surprised if the response isn't quite what you'd like. If he's really that shy (and some people certainly are that shy, especially when both young and inexperienced), he might well shrink away or otherwise seem to respond negatively, because he might not be able to help it. Don't necessarily take it personally.

Why would he contradict himself?

Because he's coming up with all kinds of arguments in his head that mean he can take the safe route and doesn't have to do anything about this. Because he likes you a lot as a friend and doesn't know how to let you down easy. Because he's really out of touch with his emotions and doesn't actually know what he's feeling. Because he's confused. There're all kinds of reasons he might contradict himself.

Is it foolish to think that he might come around and change his mind (if it does need changing-not sure here)?

I wouldn't think of it as "coming around", but no, it's not foolish, you might just have to take the reins for a while (remember to share them generously later, if it all works out).

Why would he act flirty if he didn’t want to go there?

Practice with someone safe. That's one of the established ways you and he relate to each other. He's a natural flirt. It's innocuous but you're reading into it. All/none of the above.

Do you think he comes over because he feels bad about it, or has nothing better to do?

There is a certain point when spending lots of time with someone where you can't pretend you're having a good time if you're not. If you hang out a lot and he genuinely seems to enjoy himself, then he likes you and likes hanging out with you (which does not intrinsically mean anything romantic, but does mean you're at very least friends).

Do you think that he just needs it to move at his pace?

Possibly he needs someone else to do the driving for the first little bit: he's too shy and insecure about his inexperience. But sometimes people do need some time to wrap their heads around things as well, so...I might give him some more time, but set a personal deadline before mentioning it again and/or laying one on him.

Should I quit acting like the buddy, being more flirty?

Do not play games, and do not try to be anything but yourself. By all means flirt more, but keep being his buddy too, odds are he's probably only able to flirt with you because you're also his buddy (and you are his buddy, right?).

(am I doomed to the Friend Zone)?

You could be. Or he could just be cripplingly shy and inexperienced and waiting for you to just lay one on him (or at least tell him you want to). Nobody can tell you for sure, except him. Good luck.
posted by biscotti at 12:01 AM on August 5, 2006

Is he religious? He may be reluctant to get physically involved with a woman he can't see a long term future with (the whole graduation thing).

Or he might be living in a bad situation and ready to get the heck out of dodge after graduation and therefore reluctant to get into any kind of relationship that he feels would tie him down.
posted by fshgrl at 12:10 AM on August 5, 2006

Is it a hopeless situation? You'll be able to answer this question yourself simply by kissing this guy. And the worst case is that you'll have kissed a guy you're interested in.
posted by anildash at 12:25 AM on August 5, 2006

You know, a girl kissed me once, because she liked me though I had other things on my mind.

We've now been living together for six years and we have a daughter.

Don't say you weren't warned.
posted by lekvar at 12:56 AM on August 5, 2006

Agreed, just kiss him. As a former shy guy, I believe this has a good chance of success.
posted by equalpants at 2:21 AM on August 5, 2006

Just kiss him. I was in a similar situation (except for all the awkward letter/conversations/etc. - yuck!), I was confused, so I just asked the guy to come sit by me, then I kissed him. Made it prett clear what my feelings were. With shy guys, kiss first and let the rest sort itself out.
posted by muddgirl at 5:16 AM on August 5, 2006

Jesus Christ girl. Grab the guy. Kiss the guy. If he's that inexperienced, he has no idea what he's missing! Once he finds out, he'll change his tune in a second.
posted by CunningLinguist at 5:28 AM on August 5, 2006

Thanks for all the responses! I know that writing letters is a bad idea - this was advice that came from my girl friends. To answer a couple questions- i'm pretty sure that he's not gay. He isn't religious either, but he did go to an all-boys Catholic school (not downing the Catholics, but this might have set him back just a bit...).

As far as I can tell, there is no awkwardness between us from all this. I am going to take ya'lls advice (scared to death though) and just lay one on him. Any other comments are appreciated.
posted by bolognius maximus at 5:47 AM on August 5, 2006

If the kissing goes well, move on to gently rubbing his pee-pee, with your hand, over the outside of his pants.

If it gets hard, that means he likes you.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:54 AM on August 5, 2006 [6 favorites]

I pretty much have to second the point everyone else is making: grab the boy for all he's worth.

However, I might add, seeing as he is inexperienced, this is your chance to make his 'unraveling' a great experience. Don't go overboard, but try to get somewhere nice, under the stars perhaps?

From your description, I'd have to say he isn't acting 'gay'. It's always a posibility, but it's an outside chance from the sound of things.
posted by Serial Killer Slumber Party at 7:28 AM on August 5, 2006

I agree with much of the advice here. I just wanted to respond to one tiny item in your original post. You mentioned that he might have Aspergers. I have it, and so do several other people I know (thought I feel a bit lame saying that -- Aspersers seems to be the faddish disorder nowadays).

If you don't know much about Aspergers, it might help you to read up on it. Yes, we have trouble making contact, but there's more to it than that. We're also terrified of change and don't like being put on the spot. So writing him a "you must choose" letter is the worst possible thing you can do. Never give someone with Aspergers any kind of ultimatum. It won't end well.

I once worked with a kid with Autism. If you said to him, "Mark, it's time to put the toys away," he would throw a tantrum. (And it wasn't on purpose. You could see the tantrum just overtake him.) Instead, you had to gradually transition him: "Mark, in fifteen minutes, you'll have to put the toys away... Mark, in ten minutes, you'll have to put the toys away..." If you did that, everything was fine.

Aspergers is like Autism Lite. I'm not THAT bad, and neither are any friends of mine. But I can relate to the feeling.

This also might be behind some of his fears. It's traumatic for anyone to have to leave a loved-one. But he might be super-scared of getting romantically attached to you and then having to leave you at graduation. THAT will be a big, sudden change.

People like us don't make many friends, but we get ultra-attached to the friends we DO make (remember "you're my Main Man" from "Rain Man"?) I constantly freak out about the idea of losing my wife in some accident. These fears are almost scary enough to make me not want to get into relationships at all. Almost.

I agree, in spirit, with the "kiss him" posts. But IF he really has Aspergers, what might be better is to start by holding his hand. Do this for a long time, so that he gets used to it. Then, if he's still comfortable and hasn't pulled his hand away, put your head on his shoulder ... then wrap your arms around him. Move slowly towards the kiss.

For any guy who has never kissed a girl, the first kiss is a monumental event. If such a guy also has Aspergers, the idea is both monumental and scary.

It's also desirable. I would take him at his word about all his contradictions. I bet he IS deeply attracted to you. I also bet he DOES have tons of fears. He's torn. (I can't tell you how many potential relationships I killed by giving in to my fears!) EASE him in. DON'T corner him. If he seems to respond and then freaks out and pulls away, give him some space, and then try again later (that is, until he finally gives in or you get sick of the whole thing). Remember Mark and his toys: transition, transition, transition...
posted by grumblebee at 9:07 AM on August 5, 2006

I second the rubbing of the pee-pee. Aside from that one misunderstanding with my tailor, I usually respond positively to such a friendly rubbing.
posted by horsewithnoname at 9:16 AM on August 5, 2006

grumblebee has it. Well, it worked on me, and I was in the same situation (although a few years old) as your potential boyfriend. Take is easy and slow, but remember that you need to make it PAINFULLY OBVIOUS what you are intending. Oh, and equally easy for the other people to change their mind and/or feel settled.

The steps that worked on me:

- Roommate sits beside me on sofa and watches TV 15 minutes.
- Roommate sets head on my arm, keeps watching TV for an hour.
- Roommate adjusts herself on my arm, I ask if she's comfy.
- GF says yes and hugs my arm for another hour.
- I still can't remember when we kissed, that may have been a few hours later or the next day.

Notice when roommate became GF for me. It had to be that obvious.
posted by shepd at 11:32 AM on August 5, 2006

Please let us know how it works out.
posted by spork at 10:29 PM on August 5, 2006

I definitely will. Most of you gave great advice (sarcastic comments are funny, but not helpful). It will be a while before I get to see him again, because football camp has started and they have no contact with the outside world until it's done (the day before classes start). He's in one of my classes this semester - a good excuse to get together other than when we hang out.

I just hope that if (when) I do plant one on him he doesn't run screaming...
posted by bolognius maximus at 10:46 PM on August 5, 2006

Make a physical move. Kiss him. You'll be glad you did. Alcohol always helps with the shy ones.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:14 PM on August 6, 2006

I'll second the alcohol idea - it will be good for you and him to overcome his nervousness. In other words, get him drunk and seduce him. Try inviting him over for a scary movie - so you'll need to sit close (it's so scary!) or try a movie like Y Tu Mama Tambien (anybody who's not turned on after watching that movie doesn't have all their parts working) and keep those beers or glasses of wine coming. The last time you stand up to get him or beer or whatever, sit down really close to him - so close it can't be misunderstood. Start rubbing his arm or his back or whatever's closest. If he relaxes and doesn't freak out about that, then move in for the kiss. From what you've described, I might prepare myself for him to get up and run out the door because he's so freaked. On the other hand, if you can make him feel really good, maybe he'll stay. And then finally, something nobody else has mentioned - if none of the above work - there are other fish in the sea and you're limiting yourself by just hanging out with one guy who may or may not be interested.
posted by katyjack at 11:57 AM on August 8, 2006

Noooo, don't involve alcohol! The last thing you want is the opportunity to create an awkward mistake!

I personally disagree with all the other posts. I think the guy doesn't know what the hell he wants, and has had ample opportunity to make a move -- or at least respond to yours. I think you're better off keeping this one in the Friend file and moving on to a guy who can make up his mind. You deserve better.
posted by Teevee's Bella at 6:30 PM on August 11, 2006