Dr. Mefi's Sexual Advice Chat
July 7, 2006 7:58 PM Subscribe
Help me help my less experienced fella in bed.
So, I'm nuts about my new guy in every way. Only bad news is, he hasnt had much experience with sex (especially intercourse) and has never actually climaxed with a girl. He certainly enjoys himself up to the point where he should "normally" have an orgasm, but he just cant. Ive gone through and read a lot of ask.metafilter advice for the guy (especially useful - the hold off on masturbating tips, dont psyche yourself out, etc), but can anyone give me (the girl) some advice to help? I think that in time, we can figure it out. However, I'd love some pointers - mental and physical. He's worth it, and I want to be supportive.
So, I'm nuts about my new guy in every way. Only bad news is, he hasnt had much experience with sex (especially intercourse) and has never actually climaxed with a girl. He certainly enjoys himself up to the point where he should "normally" have an orgasm, but he just cant. Ive gone through and read a lot of ask.metafilter advice for the guy (especially useful - the hold off on masturbating tips, dont psyche yourself out, etc), but can anyone give me (the girl) some advice to help? I think that in time, we can figure it out. However, I'd love some pointers - mental and physical. He's worth it, and I want to be supportive.
He may be intimidated by the fact that he is less experienced than you. I think that expressing your support for him and being patient will eventually do the trick. Your statement: "I think that in time, we can figure it out" is likely true. Keep your lovemaking fun and carefree. Make sure that your intimate time isn't all about the orgasm, and the orgasm will take care of itself. If, however, things don't improve, he may have a case of anorgasmia, in which case a trip to the doctor might help. Does he take SSRIs?
posted by Crotalus at 8:20 PM on July 7, 2006
posted by Crotalus at 8:20 PM on July 7, 2006
Try long, slow, light touching. Lots and lots of long, slow, light touching, building in intensity. Even better, ask him to masturbate for you, and give verbal/physical encouragement while he's doing it. Alternately, you could try letting him know that you don't consider it a failure if he doesn't cum every time; it might help to take some pressure off if he's feeling anxiety.
I've sometimes had a similar issue - not being able to cum with a new partner the first time or two. But that doesn't mean I'm not enjoying the time together, or don't get turned on by the guy I'm with. Sometimes I think it's a comfort/trust thing, other times I think it's related to the undeserved primacy we tend to put on orgasm instead of just touching and being in physical contact. Either way, I've learned to not let it bother me. But if you want to help, try the masturbation thing. It can be really hot.
posted by mediareport at 8:20 PM on July 7, 2006
I've sometimes had a similar issue - not being able to cum with a new partner the first time or two. But that doesn't mean I'm not enjoying the time together, or don't get turned on by the guy I'm with. Sometimes I think it's a comfort/trust thing, other times I think it's related to the undeserved primacy we tend to put on orgasm instead of just touching and being in physical contact. Either way, I've learned to not let it bother me. But if you want to help, try the masturbation thing. It can be really hot.
posted by mediareport at 8:20 PM on July 7, 2006
Try not worrying about it.
posted by greasy_skillet at 8:47 PM on July 7, 2006
posted by greasy_skillet at 8:47 PM on July 7, 2006
Similar to SpecialK's answer, the view in a mirror might do the trick.
Also, there may be particular positions that do it for him - you'll just have to try them all. I know I can last forever in the female superior position, but some others and it's "Wam, Bam thankyou, Ma'am". Not always the same position with the same lady, so I won't be more specific.
posted by nowonmai at 8:48 PM on July 7, 2006
Also, there may be particular positions that do it for him - you'll just have to try them all. I know I can last forever in the female superior position, but some others and it's "Wam, Bam thankyou, Ma'am". Not always the same position with the same lady, so I won't be more specific.
posted by nowonmai at 8:48 PM on July 7, 2006
If youre using a condom and can manage to get rid of it that will make all the difference...
posted by GleepGlop at 8:59 PM on July 7, 2006
posted by GleepGlop at 8:59 PM on July 7, 2006
First thing: make it clear that orgasm is incidental (and you know, the great thing about getting older and more experienced is you realise that it actually is). In other words, take the pressure off. Make him feel that he can make love to you without feeling that he has to come. It isn't a test. Also, encourage uninhibitedness by setting the example. Be perverse. Make lewd suggestions, laugh about them and make it clear you're really into them, and him. Make sex relaxed and fun and dirty. Do that for a while and I think the problem will gradually sort itself out.
posted by Decani at 9:02 PM on July 7, 2006
posted by Decani at 9:02 PM on July 7, 2006
Yeah, gonna agree with GleepGop there... Try some sort of BC other than a condom, if only for the "first" time... Also agreeing with several others, let it build up in intensity, lots of head, and make sure that he knows that you want him to cum no matter what (if he thinks you don't want a... protein shake, he may get nervous and hold back... and especially when you're inexperienced, a moment's hesitation is all it takes)...
posted by hatsix at 11:21 PM on July 7, 2006
posted by hatsix at 11:21 PM on July 7, 2006
is he avoiding sex because of it? is he obviously worried about it?
If he's having fun anyway, enjoy the cock that doesn't quit and call yourself lucky. It (or he) will come in time.
posted by Tryptophan-5ht at 2:08 AM on July 8, 2006
If he's having fun anyway, enjoy the cock that doesn't quit and call yourself lucky. It (or he) will come in time.
posted by Tryptophan-5ht at 2:08 AM on July 8, 2006
I think it is probably just nerves and his own lack of confidence, feeling intimidated by his lack of experience to you. If he hasn't been with a girl before, he probably masturbates. Maybe a lot. This can be a hard habit to break. He needs to though, it probably is a major cause of why he can't orgasm with you. I don't really know how to suggest he does from your standpoint, but drop some hints, make him promise you, something, anything, so that he stops for a few days and gets really psyched to be with you.
If it don't work out at night, try sleeping together/cuddle all night and go again in the morning. Morning sex is always nice and it is easier to be relaxed because you have been right up next to each other all night.
You could also try some games. Maybe he feels embarrassed to cum or doesn't feel he should or whatever. Maybe he has some secret fantasy and what you are doing isnt really doing it for him. Do some role-play maybe, have him chain you up and have his way with you, ask him straighforward sexual questions about his fantasies, stuff like that. Bring him out of his shell and let him know that it is ok to be sexual with you. Stress the positives of the fact that he hasn't been with many people (no stds, everything is new, no traumatic experiences, bad habits, etc).
I second lots of touching, kissing, maybe some massage, just get comfortable being together and he will loosen up over time for sure.
posted by sophist at 2:10 AM on July 8, 2006
If it don't work out at night, try sleeping together/cuddle all night and go again in the morning. Morning sex is always nice and it is easier to be relaxed because you have been right up next to each other all night.
You could also try some games. Maybe he feels embarrassed to cum or doesn't feel he should or whatever. Maybe he has some secret fantasy and what you are doing isnt really doing it for him. Do some role-play maybe, have him chain you up and have his way with you, ask him straighforward sexual questions about his fantasies, stuff like that. Bring him out of his shell and let him know that it is ok to be sexual with you. Stress the positives of the fact that he hasn't been with many people (no stds, everything is new, no traumatic experiences, bad habits, etc).
I second lots of touching, kissing, maybe some massage, just get comfortable being together and he will loosen up over time for sure.
posted by sophist at 2:10 AM on July 8, 2006
This is anecdotal and may not apply to him, but play up to his ego. Moan a lot. Talk dirty. Act surprised and amazed at his masculine virtuosity and stamina. Most of all, don't do any of the former if you can't do it convincingly. Or if, you know, it bothers you for some reason. If he's worth it, though, it'll most likely pay off in the end. He'll feel more relaxed once he gets over that, uh, hump. The obstacle of it.
Whatever you do, don't break character/pause/act concerned. It'll just make him wilt even faster.
posted by empyrean at 6:34 AM on July 8, 2006
Whatever you do, don't break character/pause/act concerned. It'll just make him wilt even faster.
posted by empyrean at 6:34 AM on July 8, 2006
If he's nervous and insecure, the chains should go the other way than what Sophist suggests. Tie him up. Tease and please for hours if you have to.
Make an entire day about not getting off. Spend all of it kissing and touching. Figure out what he likes to see you in (all of ask me knows what my boy likes) and prance around in it. Make him dinner, rub his feet, be nice to him. Build up in intensity. Still keep it relaxed. And if at the end of that he doesn't spray all over you, who cares? You guys just spent a fabulous day together.
And re: the get him to promise you he's not going to tug his willy thing...in my travels, men are fairly repressed, especially when it comes to discussing self-love...i wouldn't give him the impression that it is anything but a huge turn on unless you want him to have to hide in a closet or something. Maybe just mention that both of you should abstain from any form of getting off to really be wound up for the day of sexiness.
posted by nadawi at 8:18 AM on July 8, 2006
Make an entire day about not getting off. Spend all of it kissing and touching. Figure out what he likes to see you in (all of ask me knows what my boy likes) and prance around in it. Make him dinner, rub his feet, be nice to him. Build up in intensity. Still keep it relaxed. And if at the end of that he doesn't spray all over you, who cares? You guys just spent a fabulous day together.
And re: the get him to promise you he's not going to tug his willy thing...in my travels, men are fairly repressed, especially when it comes to discussing self-love...i wouldn't give him the impression that it is anything but a huge turn on unless you want him to have to hide in a closet or something. Maybe just mention that both of you should abstain from any form of getting off to really be wound up for the day of sexiness.
posted by nadawi at 8:18 AM on July 8, 2006
1. Encourage him to see a mental health professional that specializes in sex issues. 2. Be fully supportive of the work he does there to deal with his problem, also known as ejaculatory impotence. 3. Let him know you enjoy having sex him.
finally, for the one millionth time, masturbation has zero to do with this. Its psychological.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:29 AM on July 8, 2006
finally, for the one millionth time, masturbation has zero to do with this. Its psychological.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:29 AM on July 8, 2006
Crotalus, Decani's, sophist's and nadawi's advice are the best of show. Just have lots of sex, have the sex be fun and not be about the orgasm, and it will sort itself out. He's honest with you, you're supportive of him, and you enjoy each other. That's most of it right there. Best of luck to you both!
finally, for the one millionth time, masturbation has zero to do with this. Its psychological.
Sorry, but you're wrong. A guy can get so accustomed to his palm (technique or feel, or both) that he conditions himself to come just that way and that plus the nervousness means he doesn't know how to relax and enjoy your vagina or mouth or hand. The same thing can happen to women with how they touch themselves, favorite sex toys, or even particular partners. Partly psychological, partly physical.
posted by lia at 10:49 AM on July 8, 2006
finally, for the one millionth time, masturbation has zero to do with this. Its psychological.
Sorry, but you're wrong. A guy can get so accustomed to his palm (technique or feel, or both) that he conditions himself to come just that way and that plus the nervousness means he doesn't know how to relax and enjoy your vagina or mouth or hand. The same thing can happen to women with how they touch themselves, favorite sex toys, or even particular partners. Partly psychological, partly physical.
posted by lia at 10:49 AM on July 8, 2006
Like all things sexual, you'll have to find what works specifically for you and your partner.
That being said, here's what has worked for me. I have struggled with generalized anxiety disorder in the past and it certainly made for some early marathon sessions in the bedroom.
I'm a big believer in safe sex, but the condom can make the difference. If (or when) you're serious about long-term monogamy, mutually get the battery of tests and some good BC. If you're not there yet in your relationship, experiment with the various specialty condoms. Beyond Seven? Inspiral? Don't forget: A drop of lube in the tip. Be there when he masturbates with the condom on.
Mentally frame this as a really, really fun ongoing experiment.
Have times where you play around and intercourse and orgasm is not the objective.
Plan on intercourse when there's a big old block of free time available. Lazy Sunday morning sex is good stuff.
Patience, honest enthusiasm and immediacy are really important. Expect for there to be progress and fallbacks. The first time after I finished successfully with my first lover, she tried really, really hard to make it happen again and she got incredibly frustrated. It was pretty traumatic. The smallest hint of frustration or boredom will shut things down, so somehow you're going to have to find a way to stay mentally in the moment.
Mutual masturbation is really helpful. Let's say you're having intercourse, you're done and starting to get tired. Sit on top of him while he masturbates or while you masturbate him. If you can get him to finish this way a few times, see if it's possible for him to get really close, then hold off just long enough to finish inside you. This is really tricky, but not impossible if you're using condoms.
Okay, that's something of a intermediate step. Sometimes sensory overload is the problem. You could find a way for you to be a part of his post-coital masturbation. Tell him to close his eyes, use a blindfold, tell him a sexy fantasy, let him get really, really close then you finish, or let him show you with your hands how he likes to be touched. Or just hold him from behind, or wrap your legs around him, while he finishes by himself or with your help.
So, there are some ways to wean him off his palm (if that's really the problem, and it might not be, or it might just be a very small piece) without overtly or accidentally shaming him for masturbating.
posted by Skwirl at 7:07 PM on July 8, 2006
That being said, here's what has worked for me. I have struggled with generalized anxiety disorder in the past and it certainly made for some early marathon sessions in the bedroom.
I'm a big believer in safe sex, but the condom can make the difference. If (or when) you're serious about long-term monogamy, mutually get the battery of tests and some good BC. If you're not there yet in your relationship, experiment with the various specialty condoms. Beyond Seven? Inspiral? Don't forget: A drop of lube in the tip. Be there when he masturbates with the condom on.
Mentally frame this as a really, really fun ongoing experiment.
Have times where you play around and intercourse and orgasm is not the objective.
Plan on intercourse when there's a big old block of free time available. Lazy Sunday morning sex is good stuff.
Patience, honest enthusiasm and immediacy are really important. Expect for there to be progress and fallbacks. The first time after I finished successfully with my first lover, she tried really, really hard to make it happen again and she got incredibly frustrated. It was pretty traumatic. The smallest hint of frustration or boredom will shut things down, so somehow you're going to have to find a way to stay mentally in the moment.
Mutual masturbation is really helpful. Let's say you're having intercourse, you're done and starting to get tired. Sit on top of him while he masturbates or while you masturbate him. If you can get him to finish this way a few times, see if it's possible for him to get really close, then hold off just long enough to finish inside you. This is really tricky, but not impossible if you're using condoms.
Okay, that's something of a intermediate step. Sometimes sensory overload is the problem. You could find a way for you to be a part of his post-coital masturbation. Tell him to close his eyes, use a blindfold, tell him a sexy fantasy, let him get really, really close then you finish, or let him show you with your hands how he likes to be touched. Or just hold him from behind, or wrap your legs around him, while he finishes by himself or with your help.
So, there are some ways to wean him off his palm (if that's really the problem, and it might not be, or it might just be a very small piece) without overtly or accidentally shaming him for masturbating.
posted by Skwirl at 7:07 PM on July 8, 2006
It takes a while at first. Maybe because of nerves, maybe because of the difference in sensation. The best thing you can do is make it clear it's not that important and that you'd wait forever if you had to (even if you wouldn't; you won't have to). To some extent, it's also a matter of him learning when he's close and following that to completion. It may take a few cases of rugburn and hours, but you'll get there.
posted by yerfatma at 6:43 AM on July 9, 2006
posted by yerfatma at 6:43 AM on July 9, 2006
The parasympathetic (calming) nervous system controls erection, and is involved in more digestive processes.
The sympathetic (arousing) system controls ejaculation.
But if you want an erection first, the parasympathetic system must be brought to bare.
posted by dragonsi55 at 3:53 PM on July 10, 2006
The sympathetic (arousing) system controls ejaculation.
But if you want an erection first, the parasympathetic system must be brought to bare.
posted by dragonsi55 at 3:53 PM on July 10, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by SpecialK at 8:09 PM on July 7, 2006