What could I have done differently? (IG story, unwanted friend request)

July 31, 2024 11:52 AM

I posted on my Instagram story for a long-time friend "W" good friend's birthday yesterday, including nostalgic photos and surprising him at an ice cream place.

This friend, let's call him "W", got a friend add from a friend who follows me — "T", a while ago (maybe last year?). W rejected/denied T's add at that time. However, today, T added W up again (and the stories of W was posted last night).

W sent me a screenshot of the add and said something along the lines of 'sheesh, again'. I suggested that W block T if it bothered him, and also suggested that T might just have wanted to make a new friend. I also said I didn't know why T added him again.

W then said he thought it was because of my IG stories. I felt/perceived this as accusatory, especially with the screenshot, and felt like I did something wrong. I felt stung by this, because 1) it could have been a coincidence, and T would have seen W on "you might know", and 2) I cherish W a lot and it's just one person — easy enough to block. Why did he have to share that with me? It made me feel guilty.

I did not respond to W, and I deactivated my IG because I felt too upset and hurt by the way W approached the situation, and didn't want to say something I would regret, and also felt guilty. I felt like a scapegoat. It's hard for me because I already have imposter syndrome and anxiety, and I really care about my friends on their birthdays, and they tend to repost my stories of them, so this was a surprise.

What could I have done differently? I can't control what T does or who T adds, but W could have simply blocked him than bring it up to me like I'm the responsible party.

posted by dubious_dude to Human Relations (14 answers total)

This doesn't deserve your mental energy, you should reactivate and forget this happened.
posted by so fucking future at 12:06 PM on July 31 [56 favorites]

Best answer: I wonder if reading about 'rejection sensitivity dysphoria' resonates with you at all, and whether it might lead to some helpful suggestions for ways that you can cope when these interactions occur. From the outside, it looks like you were very hurt, insulted, and upset by someone expressing very mild irritation. That level of sensitivity can make it hard to sustain relationships, because even people who care about you can't avoid wounding you.
posted by Ausamor at 12:09 PM on July 31 [45 favorites]

Nothing. You could have--and more importantly, you should have--done nothing differently. We're talking about following someone on a social media site, for fuck's sake. If W doesn't like it that T tried to follow a second time, then W should follow your suggestion and block T. Who knows or even cares why T tried to follow W? It's social media. This is how it works. If W is implying that you should be chagrined for including W in an Instagram story that makes it "your fault" that T tried to follow W a second time... well, then W needs to do some growing up (not to mention learning how to use and configure Instagram). The last thing you should do is feel bad about this at all, and deactivating your Instagram account over this is way over the top.

That said, based on what you've posted here, it seems likely that you're inappropriately interpreting W's comments as pointed at you and taking them way too seriously. If I were very private about who I allowed to follow me on Instagram and my friend's story seemed to have prompted a friend of that friend who I didn't know to follow me a second time, I might say more or less the same things W said. But it wouldn't in any way be an indictment of you so much as wry commentary. Maybe W thinks T is weird. Who knows? Who cares? Some people cast a much wider net than others when it comes to following/friending people on social media. This is how it's always been, and how it always will be.
posted by slkinsey at 12:11 PM on July 31 [10 favorites]

Gently: you're overreacting. You didn't do anything wrong, and you didn't need to do anything differently. And. From what you've shared, W doesn't actually seem that upset, and concluding that T probably saw him pop up in your stories could easily be absolutely neutral. If I were W, messaging you would be in the spirit of a shared 'get a load of this guy'- a bit of mild connective gossip, not a recrimination. I of course am not W and don't know exactly where he was coming from, but feeling guilty, especially guilty enough to deactivate, is a call coming from inside the house. Which is okay! Anxiety sucks and it frequently sucks in this particular way. But that response is the place to focus rather than T's IG behavior or W's feelings about T not taking the hint, none of which you have control over or could be expected to.
posted by wormtales at 12:38 PM on July 31 [17 favorites]

Seconding RSD here. Someone was just posting on an adhd subreddit I read today, talking about how they will make a single reddit post and then deactivate because someone downvoted or asked a follow-up question that feels slightly critical.

Honestly, there was little to no need for W to say anything, it's unreasonable to expect you to do anything about this and saying anything ran the risk of sounding like they did expect that. But one of the unspoken courtesies of social-media-assisted friendship is politely overlooking when someone grouches at you in a mild way.

(Though seriously, someone snapped at me once when I suggested something in what I thought was a "oh you might like this too" way and it was probably a bad moment or whatever and we then went three years periodically liking each others' tweets but not directly interacting. So, I mean, this stuff is hard but please don't nuke your entire insta over it.)
posted by Lyn Never at 12:42 PM on July 31

Consider giving W some grace, and him sharing that was probably just that -- sharing a "huh, again". He most likely was not trying to guilt you, or make you feel bad, or embarrass you, and he has most likely forgotten about this already. I suggest that you re-activate Insta (if you like - if you dont want to thats ok too) , shake it out, and move on without giving this one more second of brainpower.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 12:44 PM on July 31 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: The reason I deactivated my IG was because I went in an anxiety tailspin and deleted our stories from last night, but felt guilty for doing that, was worried W would notice, and decided I needed to "hide" (ie, deactivate).

I wonder if reading about 'rejection sensitivity dysphoria' resonates with you at all

OMG, thank you. RSD. I had NO idea that existed, but that describes me to a perfect T, 100% through and through. Just wow, I actually feel a bit better now knowing that this is something I highly likely have. I've always known I had anxiety, sure, but I do have people-pleasing tendencies, perfectionism, and I'm always "on edge" making sure everything goes perfectly. If someone cancels/postpones plans, I feel this weird, intense, momentary "ting" that goes through me, like a pang of rejection/hurt, then my "rational" side takes over and it goes away, but it's there. I also am extremely sensitive to expressions or annoyance. RSD makes perfect sense and fits well, so that will definitely help me figure out how to cope and work with my therapist, maybe even explore medication. I've always noticed those "quirks" (for a lack of better word?) about me, and always wondered about it, but RSD is the perfect description/"diagnosis". Thank you, seriously. I learned something very new today.

but feeling guilty, especially guilty enough to deactivate, is a call coming from inside the house

Do you mind clarifying what you mean by "inside the house"?
posted by dubious_dude at 12:44 PM on July 31 [8 favorites]

"a calling coming from inside the house" is a reference to old horror movies / stories where a babysitter is getting harassed by telephone and at the end discovers that the calls are coming from someone in the house rather than someone calling from elsewhere. It is used to mean the problem lies within you -- the issue isn't the other person's behaviour, but your over-the-top reaction to it.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:56 PM on July 31 [11 favorites]

Do you mind clarifying what you mean by "inside the house"?

They mean it's your very rude brain lying to you, interpreting neutral situations in the least forgiving way possible. That's how anxiety works. It's happening inside of your head. You are the house.
posted by phunniemee at 12:56 PM on July 31 [4 favorites]

This might be kind of a simple exercise, but it’s been working for me lately when similar incidents and feelings crop up - where I feel rejected or like I did something wrong. I simply ask myself “Did I do something wrong?” And if the answer is no - then I do nothing (no apologies, no knee jerk reactions, no acting on it at all).

Sharing a story or memory - you did nothing wrong. This is not a wrong or bad thing to do. No need to act.
Your friend sharing a screen shot that someone friend requested them again and they seem irritated - you did nothing wrong. No need to act.
Punching someone in the face for no reason - this is wrong. Apologize.

Lean into this - when you feel like apologizing or like someone slighted you or maybe you slighted them - really ask yourself if what you did was wrong. And while you’re at it, if a friend hurts your feelings or you feel rejected - ask yourself if what THEY did was wrong/bad? Friend came off as irritated - is that wrong or bad? No. It’s just a feeling. They shared their frustration with you. Is that wrong? No.
posted by Sassyfras at 12:58 PM on July 31 [3 favorites]

I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad about this! But you didn’t do anything wrong and it doesn’t sound like there is any reason to think W had any intent to be accusatory. You’re fine. When and if you feel ready to reactivate your account, go ahead and do that and move forward. There is nothing here that needs any further action or discussion.
posted by Stacey at 1:16 PM on July 31

Hi mate! I’ve been following your questions here for a while. You seem to have a pattern of social anxiety and I really do think your quality of life would significantly improve if you got some coaching or therapeutic help on this. Are you in therapy?
posted by pando11 at 2:58 PM on July 31 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Yes, I am in therapy, as indicated in my response above :)

Thanks for all your thoughts! Again, I'm really happy to see there be a formal name for it, RSD. That really helps, and I'm looking forward to learning how to work around RSD instead of continually being hurt/rejected without really knowing why. This might be a major life change for me; I'll try finding support groups for RSD. This is the first time since 2013 that I have had a major revelation about my bodily/mental functions to help me understand myself better.
posted by dubious_dude at 5:23 PM on July 31 [8 favorites]

In one of my friend groups, we explicitly ask each other before posting photos of or stories about each other on social media. I think it's a good courtesy to observe; you might not know what info someone is sensitive about making a little too public.
posted by ktkt at 5:04 PM on August 1 [2 favorites]