You're dying, I love you, I hate your partner.
June 29, 2024 7:48 AM Subscribe
My friend has terminal cancer and I've come to resent her partner after knowing them both for over two decades and being their next door tenant for years. When I moved out it was sudden and we've barely spoken since. She wants to go on a walk and talk soon; how do I talk to her about this?
I spent nearly 6 years living in a duplex unit next door to my good friend and her husband, who acted as my landlord, during the pandemic at a time when her cancer came back. Over this time I saw behind the curtains of their relationship and came to resent not only his treatment of her but his poor treatment of me as a tenant.
As a landlord he rarely fixed things (this behavior predated the cancer recurrence). It would go on for months with me constantly asking and reminding him to do things such as: pull the noxious weeds in my side yard, repair the doorknobs that had fallen off, plug the fireplace hole that was a giant draft point in the house, repair cracked tiles from the house settling, install the gate he promised to keep my dog in the yard, etc.
The more I pushed the more he got an attitude towards me and ignored me. He would argue about the validity of any requests, and even took away storage space I had in the backyard. Yet, without fail, he would email me requesting rent about a week before it was due. I was never late and always paid well before the first, even during the first pandemic year when I was unemployed and burning through my savings.
Once while drink he tried to tell me my violent ex was really a "good guy" which horrified both me and some of my visiting friends who were within earshot. A couple of times he screamed at me, once because his dog ran into my unit and another was just because I was trying to hold him accountable as a landlord. I tried to just deal with it so there wasn't blowback on my friend but this was increasingly difficult as his drinking spiraled. I also discovered he had raised the rent on me when I was fleeing my violent marriage, 20% higher than what they offered another friend a month prior. I also suspect he was having me split the water bill two ways despite three people using this utility. (Requests for the bills were ignored.)
In parallel, I would witness him say disrespectful things to her and just be a general asshole. Partway through my tenancy she told me how he had hit her in the face (the cancer side!) before I'd moved in because she told him to get a job during a fight.
She has been the breadwinner for the entirety of their relationship and has also cooked all of the meals, even when she could no longer eat food orally and had to have a g-tube installed. Once I came over to have one of her childhood specialty dishes and he was so drunk he was facedown, ass up on the couch the entire time. This was a common occurrence. Other times he was so drunk that he knocked her down, which could kill her (a fall once sent her to the ICU!) At one point she posted in the support group asking for help with his drinking and he made her remove the post. Sometimes I would read between the lines and realize he was pressuring her for sex.
She makes “jokes” about him drinking himself to death and he refuses to get help. No grief counseling, no therapy, just drink more. The amount of caretaking she took on for herself was greater than any of the happy social media posts would suggest.
To be fair: as a DV survivor I am extremely sensitive to this situation and his actions kept triggering me. I am also projecting my own feelings about my ex onto him.
She loves him, has told me so and I know she will not leave him. I feel very angry at not only him but our mutual friends who, for some reason, side with him. They said she was “causing drama” by asking for help.
Also to be fair: they have been together for so long and he stayed with her through five recurrences and we’re now in the palliative care phase. He is (dysfunctionally) dealing with a major life tragedy.
He also has a bad habit of saying nasty mean things about people and I can make some guesses based on looks from other people how he is spinning my departure.
So she and I have not spoken much since I left. They both operate on keeping up appearances so it feels nearly impossible to even have this conversation.
Now she wants to go on a walk with me and I don't know if I should say anything or if I should just avoid the topic. And what if she brings it up?
I love my friend, hate her partner and have dealt with it by avoiding the topic.
What do?
I spent nearly 6 years living in a duplex unit next door to my good friend and her husband, who acted as my landlord, during the pandemic at a time when her cancer came back. Over this time I saw behind the curtains of their relationship and came to resent not only his treatment of her but his poor treatment of me as a tenant.
As a landlord he rarely fixed things (this behavior predated the cancer recurrence). It would go on for months with me constantly asking and reminding him to do things such as: pull the noxious weeds in my side yard, repair the doorknobs that had fallen off, plug the fireplace hole that was a giant draft point in the house, repair cracked tiles from the house settling, install the gate he promised to keep my dog in the yard, etc.
The more I pushed the more he got an attitude towards me and ignored me. He would argue about the validity of any requests, and even took away storage space I had in the backyard. Yet, without fail, he would email me requesting rent about a week before it was due. I was never late and always paid well before the first, even during the first pandemic year when I was unemployed and burning through my savings.
Once while drink he tried to tell me my violent ex was really a "good guy" which horrified both me and some of my visiting friends who were within earshot. A couple of times he screamed at me, once because his dog ran into my unit and another was just because I was trying to hold him accountable as a landlord. I tried to just deal with it so there wasn't blowback on my friend but this was increasingly difficult as his drinking spiraled. I also discovered he had raised the rent on me when I was fleeing my violent marriage, 20% higher than what they offered another friend a month prior. I also suspect he was having me split the water bill two ways despite three people using this utility. (Requests for the bills were ignored.)
In parallel, I would witness him say disrespectful things to her and just be a general asshole. Partway through my tenancy she told me how he had hit her in the face (the cancer side!) before I'd moved in because she told him to get a job during a fight.
She has been the breadwinner for the entirety of their relationship and has also cooked all of the meals, even when she could no longer eat food orally and had to have a g-tube installed. Once I came over to have one of her childhood specialty dishes and he was so drunk he was facedown, ass up on the couch the entire time. This was a common occurrence. Other times he was so drunk that he knocked her down, which could kill her (a fall once sent her to the ICU!) At one point she posted in the support group asking for help with his drinking and he made her remove the post. Sometimes I would read between the lines and realize he was pressuring her for sex.
She makes “jokes” about him drinking himself to death and he refuses to get help. No grief counseling, no therapy, just drink more. The amount of caretaking she took on for herself was greater than any of the happy social media posts would suggest.
To be fair: as a DV survivor I am extremely sensitive to this situation and his actions kept triggering me. I am also projecting my own feelings about my ex onto him.
She loves him, has told me so and I know she will not leave him. I feel very angry at not only him but our mutual friends who, for some reason, side with him. They said she was “causing drama” by asking for help.
Also to be fair: they have been together for so long and he stayed with her through five recurrences and we’re now in the palliative care phase. He is (dysfunctionally) dealing with a major life tragedy.
He also has a bad habit of saying nasty mean things about people and I can make some guesses based on looks from other people how he is spinning my departure.
So she and I have not spoken much since I left. They both operate on keeping up appearances so it feels nearly impossible to even have this conversation.
Now she wants to go on a walk with me and I don't know if I should say anything or if I should just avoid the topic. And what if she brings it up?
I love my friend, hate her partner and have dealt with it by avoiding the topic.
What do?
If she’s dying she can’t leave him, so that ship has sailed.
People choose the kind of life they want. sadly she made a choice that sounds pretty bad, but at this point the upheaval of leaving or even being furious as he deserves, would probably be worse than living the rest of her life with an asshole who’s at least familiar.
I would go on a walk and just listen and talk about pleasant or deeper things (like life, family, etc) rather than her relationship. Plan some ways to redirect if she starts casually talking about him. If she starts deeply talking about him you might have to just suck up the discomfort and listen since she probably desperately needs an outlet and likely doesn’t have the capacity to add lots of new things like therapists to her life right now.
Or send a nice note saying you’re busy and putting off the walk but realize this is likely your one shot to see her.
In your shoes I think I would try to go on the walk, as a kindness to her, and I would try to help her feel that she has repaired and reconnected with you, to help her close her books and be ready for the end of her life. It sounds like that would require discomfort and a bit of dissociation for you to manage a triggering topic so it’s also ok if you decide that you don’t have the capacity for that - but if so, let her down easy!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:07 AM on June 29 [26 favorites]
People choose the kind of life they want. sadly she made a choice that sounds pretty bad, but at this point the upheaval of leaving or even being furious as he deserves, would probably be worse than living the rest of her life with an asshole who’s at least familiar.
I would go on a walk and just listen and talk about pleasant or deeper things (like life, family, etc) rather than her relationship. Plan some ways to redirect if she starts casually talking about him. If she starts deeply talking about him you might have to just suck up the discomfort and listen since she probably desperately needs an outlet and likely doesn’t have the capacity to add lots of new things like therapists to her life right now.
Or send a nice note saying you’re busy and putting off the walk but realize this is likely your one shot to see her.
In your shoes I think I would try to go on the walk, as a kindness to her, and I would try to help her feel that she has repaired and reconnected with you, to help her close her books and be ready for the end of her life. It sounds like that would require discomfort and a bit of dissociation for you to manage a triggering topic so it’s also ok if you decide that you don’t have the capacity for that - but if so, let her down easy!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:07 AM on June 29 [26 favorites]
Focus on your love for your friend. There’s a lot to unpack here, but I wouldn’t really bother with it given you love your friend and her health is so poor.
I would prepare a stock phrase for if the husband comes up like “I’d really rather focus on/hear about you.” In the unlikely event she wants to ask you to reconcile, I’d just go with “I’m sorry that’s not possible for me.” Practice saying those things out loud. Enjoy the walk.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:08 AM on June 29 [33 favorites]
I would prepare a stock phrase for if the husband comes up like “I’d really rather focus on/hear about you.” In the unlikely event she wants to ask you to reconcile, I’d just go with “I’m sorry that’s not possible for me.” Practice saying those things out loud. Enjoy the walk.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:08 AM on June 29 [33 favorites]
I don’t think there is any reason to bring any of this up unless she tells you the point of her calling you was that she’s thinking of leaving him and wants your unvarnished opinion about him. Otherwise at this stage of her life, I think keep the focus on the two of you, and change topics or evade discussion of her relationship.
posted by Stacey at 8:14 AM on June 29 [9 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 8:14 AM on June 29 [9 favorites]
Imagine this horrible dude is a weather event that you and your friend have no way to impact at this point. He exists, you cannot change him or impact him in any way, and soon you will never have to see him or think about him again. But right now, your friend is dying and happens to be doing so in the middle of this horrible weather you (and she) can't control.
At this point you can't tell her "Why don't you move somewhere more temperate?" You do your best to share your umbrella, warm clothes and hot cocoa. Provide a listening ear, hugging arms, a place to laugh and cry to the best that you are able.
Good for you for bringing your venting about this asshole here - continue to get support from your other friends/therapist/support group/etc. And then set that aside and find a way to be present for your friend and let that time be 100% about her.
posted by latkes at 8:17 AM on June 29 [22 favorites]
At this point you can't tell her "Why don't you move somewhere more temperate?" You do your best to share your umbrella, warm clothes and hot cocoa. Provide a listening ear, hugging arms, a place to laugh and cry to the best that you are able.
Good for you for bringing your venting about this asshole here - continue to get support from your other friends/therapist/support group/etc. And then set that aside and find a way to be present for your friend and let that time be 100% about her.
posted by latkes at 8:17 AM on June 29 [22 favorites]
I agree with the posts above and also think you should re-examine your mutual friendships. If they're unable to see the clear abuse here, they're part of the problem, too.
posted by yellowcandy at 8:18 AM on June 29 [1 favorite]
posted by yellowcandy at 8:18 AM on June 29 [1 favorite]
Comfort inward, kvetch outward. Go for the walk and offer such comfort as you can. Complain freely to everybody but her what a horrible shitbag she has for a husband.
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position; it sounds hard.
posted by flabdablet at 8:35 AM on June 29 [19 favorites]
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position; it sounds hard.
posted by flabdablet at 8:35 AM on June 29 [19 favorites]
You say you love her, so go walk with her, talk with her, ask her how she's doing and what you can do to help, tell her what she means to you. If she asks you to do things that involve her husband you can decide whether to tell her you love her but feel uncomfortable interacting with him, or to swallow the shittiness for her sake. If you go with the former and she asks for details, you can just repeat that the relationship between you and him isn't good but you want to do what you can for her given that constraint.
To be honest I'm not sure what the "this conversation" you're referring to would be - do you mean telling her your feelings about her husband, or the things he's done, or your feelings about how he acts towards her? I don't think I'd go into any of that - what would the point be? If she brings it up, I'd probably decline to go into detail.
Ultimately it depends on what you want your remaining time with her to look like, and what part of that you think is realistic.
posted by trig at 9:28 AM on June 29 [4 favorites]
To be honest I'm not sure what the "this conversation" you're referring to would be - do you mean telling her your feelings about her husband, or the things he's done, or your feelings about how he acts towards her? I don't think I'd go into any of that - what would the point be? If she brings it up, I'd probably decline to go into detail.
Ultimately it depends on what you want your remaining time with her to look like, and what part of that you think is realistic.
posted by trig at 9:28 AM on June 29 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks all, popping in just to clarify the "what do": I am looking for ways to reframe/compartmentalize and scripts to use if any of this comes up as I am very afraid of my emotions getting the better of my words and having that be one of our last interactions.
posted by JaneTheGood at 10:55 AM on June 29
posted by JaneTheGood at 10:55 AM on June 29
I can't tell how long ago you moved out or what the circumstances were aside from "sudden" (e.g., if you were honest about why you were leaving or had a polite cover story, if it was in the immediate wake of direct conflict, etc.) and that makes it a little tough to imagine what aspect of things you're worried she might bring up. When you ask whether you should bring it up or avoid it, I have similar questions- I wonder if some of what needs to be said is just "I've missed you."
In terms of scripts for if she brings him/the living situation up: "Stan and I didn't see eye to eye on some things, but I'd really prefer not to rehash it" would cover a number of scenarios. If she asks you to come over for dinner, you could say something about really wanting one-on-one time with her and does she want to come to yours/could you take a walk like this again. If she talks about her shitass partner, say as little as possible about him and keep the focus on her and how she's feeling. In the unlikely event that she really pushed it, this is your friend of 20 years and I think you could say "I'm not going to deny that as someone who loves you I have some hard feelings about Stan. I don't see those changing, but I really don't want to focus on him. Can we talk about [redirect] instead?"
I think I would try to hold this all in a framework of radical acceptance. Happenings have happened, choices have been made, other things are true that nobody chose, and it's okay for that to be hard. Maybe return to the word "presence" in your mind during the walk if you start to feel tense about the conversation, or even put a small stone in your pocket that you can reach in and touch to remind you to return to presence, just being there for whatever is coming up and being expressed.
I'm so sorry your friend is dying, and that losing her has been complicated by all of this. I hope you're able to have some meaningful connection on this walk.
posted by wormtales at 11:50 AM on June 29 [3 favorites]
In terms of scripts for if she brings him/the living situation up: "Stan and I didn't see eye to eye on some things, but I'd really prefer not to rehash it" would cover a number of scenarios. If she asks you to come over for dinner, you could say something about really wanting one-on-one time with her and does she want to come to yours/could you take a walk like this again. If she talks about her shitass partner, say as little as possible about him and keep the focus on her and how she's feeling. In the unlikely event that she really pushed it, this is your friend of 20 years and I think you could say "I'm not going to deny that as someone who loves you I have some hard feelings about Stan. I don't see those changing, but I really don't want to focus on him. Can we talk about [redirect] instead?"
I think I would try to hold this all in a framework of radical acceptance. Happenings have happened, choices have been made, other things are true that nobody chose, and it's okay for that to be hard. Maybe return to the word "presence" in your mind during the walk if you start to feel tense about the conversation, or even put a small stone in your pocket that you can reach in and touch to remind you to return to presence, just being there for whatever is coming up and being expressed.
I'm so sorry your friend is dying, and that losing her has been complicated by all of this. I hope you're able to have some meaningful connection on this walk.
posted by wormtales at 11:50 AM on June 29 [3 favorites]
You can't talk to her about this. She has cancer. She doesn't need to deal with anything more. See her as much as possible. Offer to help in any way possible. Don't say ONE WORD about her asshole husband. She knows he's bad news. Let her enjoy a safe moment with you without having to think about him. If she brings him up, bite your lip. Just tell her you love her and ask her if you can help. If you have the ability, and only if you think she might be receptive, you can offer her a place to stay. Just tread carefully so that there is no rebound in what you do.
I get that not saying anything about a shitty situation is hard for you. But if she can deal with cancer, you can deal with your emotions for the sake of the love you bear her.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:55 AM on June 29 [13 favorites]
I get that not saying anything about a shitty situation is hard for you. But if she can deal with cancer, you can deal with your emotions for the sake of the love you bear her.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:55 AM on June 29 [13 favorites]
Comfort in, dump out. This is a very tough situation to be in, but I think the way to deal with your own emotions here is to find another outlet* to help you process your very legitimate feelings about this jerk and the way he has treated your friend. That way you will be less likely to be overwhelmed in the moment.
*Like AskMe, of course. It's what we're here for.
posted by rpfields at 12:08 PM on June 29 [5 favorites]
*Like AskMe, of course. It's what we're here for.
posted by rpfields at 12:08 PM on June 29 [5 favorites]
What are all the good memories you have of your friendship, before the husband or before things went south? Lead with that on the walk like "Remember that time we drove to Montreal?" etc.
If you focus on those good memories, that will also flood your system with the good feels.
Also give yourself permission to end the walk if it's getting bad. What you said above is fine, "I'm afraid my emotions are about to get the best of me, and I want you to have positive energy from me. I'm going to head this way now and call you tomorrow." That would possibly be awkward, but awkward isn't the same as terrible.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:26 PM on June 29 [5 favorites]
If you focus on those good memories, that will also flood your system with the good feels.
Also give yourself permission to end the walk if it's getting bad. What you said above is fine, "I'm afraid my emotions are about to get the best of me, and I want you to have positive energy from me. I'm going to head this way now and call you tomorrow." That would possibly be awkward, but awkward isn't the same as terrible.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:26 PM on June 29 [5 favorites]
Look, your emotions may indeed get the better of you. But let that happen in the context of "she is at the very end of her life," not any of the rest of it. This is a very sad situation. This may be the last time you see her. Focus only on her, even if that's just her needs in the few minutes you're together.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:51 PM on June 29 [3 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:51 PM on June 29 [3 favorites]
I am looking for ways to reframe/compartmentalize and scripts to use if any of this comes up as I am very afraid of my emotions getting the better of my words and having that be one of our last interactions.
If directly asked, "I would prefer not to talk about [horrible spouse]. I'm here to spend time with _you_."
It's tougher if it's something like her knee is hurting because [horrible spouse] knocked her over again. That would really piss me off, and the only thing that would save me from saying something would be concentrating on the fact that I want to make these last minutes about her.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:29 PM on June 29 [4 favorites]
If directly asked, "I would prefer not to talk about [horrible spouse]. I'm here to spend time with _you_."
It's tougher if it's something like her knee is hurting because [horrible spouse] knocked her over again. That would really piss me off, and the only thing that would save me from saying something would be concentrating on the fact that I want to make these last minutes about her.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:29 PM on June 29 [4 favorites]
Support in, lean out.
In what way would rehashing your grievances with her partner benefit her in any way?
Maybe you just want to rail at her for her life choices before she dies and its too late and you never get another chance to. I guarantee it will not be cathartic for you if you do. For the love of God, keep your mouth shut, or you will go through the next twenty years not only ruminating about your rage towards her husband, but also feeling guilty for that time you tormented your friend when she had so little time left and could do nothing about it anyway. You cannot fix this situation by telling her what a big mistake she made. It's at least ten years too late to have this conversation.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:43 AM on June 30 [6 favorites]
In what way would rehashing your grievances with her partner benefit her in any way?
Maybe you just want to rail at her for her life choices before she dies and its too late and you never get another chance to. I guarantee it will not be cathartic for you if you do. For the love of God, keep your mouth shut, or you will go through the next twenty years not only ruminating about your rage towards her husband, but also feeling guilty for that time you tormented your friend when she had so little time left and could do nothing about it anyway. You cannot fix this situation by telling her what a big mistake she made. It's at least ten years too late to have this conversation.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:43 AM on June 30 [6 favorites]
Work on decentering him from your own mind. You safely got away from him, well done, and so now he has only the power you give him when making him and his major abuse issues central regarding this last walk with someone you care about.
Turn the focus back on yourself. If your friend puts you on the spot with a question or topic you don’t want to answer, simply change the subject. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how nice your visit and walk will be with her. My guess is she’ll continue to rug sweep her marriage and it will not be brought up. I’m sorry for your troubles, you sound like an awesome friend with great boundaries.
posted by edithkeeler at 7:27 AM on June 30 [2 favorites]
Turn the focus back on yourself. If your friend puts you on the spot with a question or topic you don’t want to answer, simply change the subject. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how nice your visit and walk will be with her. My guess is she’ll continue to rug sweep her marriage and it will not be brought up. I’m sorry for your troubles, you sound like an awesome friend with great boundaries.
posted by edithkeeler at 7:27 AM on June 30 [2 favorites]
I suspect that anything you can do to help yourself feel supported and secure will help you be there for your friend, and help you manage your (legitimate) anger towards her husband as you do so. This could involve leaving on other friends, seeing a therapist, or setting boundaries.
I like the suggestions above to refocus on your love for your friend. Maybe write a love letter to your friendship- not necessarily to send. Or tell us here what makes her special to you and what you have shared together.
I’m so sorry about your friend. Cancer sucks.
posted by bunderful at 7:31 AM on June 30 [2 favorites]
I like the suggestions above to refocus on your love for your friend. Maybe write a love letter to your friendship- not necessarily to send. Or tell us here what makes her special to you and what you have shared together.
I’m so sorry about your friend. Cancer sucks.
posted by bunderful at 7:31 AM on June 30 [2 favorites]
If she brings it up, you can proceed with extreme caution for the sole purpose of determining if she is asking for help or a gut-check.
And even then, you don't get to tell her all about how he has been a problem for you, it just means that you won't be the voice of "ohhhh but your sainted caretaker tho". If she says she has concerns about Bob, you can say yeah, you have grave concerns about Bob and are ready to help if she's asking.
Otherwise you go on the walk and see what SHE wants this conversation to be about, and you have that conversation. Because you know what? Fuck that guy. If she wants to connect with you as friend and say goodbyes and it doesn't have shit to do with him, then you do that and if you need to promise yourself that you will devote the remainder of your life to tormenting that piece of shit after she's gone, go on and make that promise and save all those words for him.
Sometimes, when you are saying your final goodbyes, the hard truths do come out, and I would just say that if it does come to that then choose your words carefully. This is a time for a few very true words, not a vent or a rant, this is very much a time where "I loathe him" is sufficient. Or maybe, "I just want to make sure you know, in the time you have left, if you want to be free of him you literally only have to text me and I will make it happen," though if you say that you should (maybe) clarify you don't mean murder unless you do.
I had a friend withdraw in her final years, I'm pretty sure because she knew we hated her companion but it was going to be him or it was all going to fall on her young daughter and son in law, and she made her choice and I think assumed we'd care more about hating him than supporting her. Or maybe his help was really fucking bad and she knew we'd know. I can't know exactly but I'm not really happy it all went down like that.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:17 AM on June 30 [3 favorites]
And even then, you don't get to tell her all about how he has been a problem for you, it just means that you won't be the voice of "ohhhh but your sainted caretaker tho". If she says she has concerns about Bob, you can say yeah, you have grave concerns about Bob and are ready to help if she's asking.
Otherwise you go on the walk and see what SHE wants this conversation to be about, and you have that conversation. Because you know what? Fuck that guy. If she wants to connect with you as friend and say goodbyes and it doesn't have shit to do with him, then you do that and if you need to promise yourself that you will devote the remainder of your life to tormenting that piece of shit after she's gone, go on and make that promise and save all those words for him.
Sometimes, when you are saying your final goodbyes, the hard truths do come out, and I would just say that if it does come to that then choose your words carefully. This is a time for a few very true words, not a vent or a rant, this is very much a time where "I loathe him" is sufficient. Or maybe, "I just want to make sure you know, in the time you have left, if you want to be free of him you literally only have to text me and I will make it happen," though if you say that you should (maybe) clarify you don't mean murder unless you do.
I had a friend withdraw in her final years, I'm pretty sure because she knew we hated her companion but it was going to be him or it was all going to fall on her young daughter and son in law, and she made her choice and I think assumed we'd care more about hating him than supporting her. Or maybe his help was really fucking bad and she knew we'd know. I can't know exactly but I'm not really happy it all went down like that.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:17 AM on June 30 [3 favorites]
« Older Respite care for elderly relative with dementia on... | I hate doilies and tableclothes. I don't want... Newer »
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
In your position I would be feeling a sense of relief that once palliative care has reached its natural end you will no longer have to deal with this terrible spouse.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:54 AM on June 29 [16 favorites]