Is This Time Anxiety? How to Remedy It?
February 13, 2024 9:37 AM Subscribe
I've experienced time anxiety since childhood, and within the last two years, have been working on it extensively. It's much better now, however I recently started a new teaching position, and I'm wondering if these feelings are actually time anxiety.
Everything has been better, particularly within the past year, regarding my time anxiety. I still sometimes feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done, but that seems a normal human experience in our modern world. I no longer work from morning until night preparing teaching materials. I leave work at work, and this has made a massive difference and feels right.
What I've been experiencing recently is more along the lines of wanting to ensure I nurture my social life and meet with friends as frequently as possible. I am more introverted, and I definitely recharge my batteries by being in my own company. I love it, and enjoy just doing whatever I want to do without worrying what others want to do. I have a lot of childhood trauma around people-pleasing and fawning, so it's been life-changing to embrace taking care of myself. No issues there.
The problem is, because I don't want my friends to feel that I'm neglecting them or always saying, "I can't meet today, but how about next week?", I think I'm overcommitting. I sometimes have work obligations (tutoring once per week) or appointments that have me staying out for 12+ hours a day, and only coming home to sleep. This used to happen almost every day, but since establishing boundaries and clearing my plate by saying, "No" to more things I don't actually want to do, this only happens 1-2 times per week at most.
However, because weekends are usually the only time my friends are free, I've been dedicating both weekend days to seeing different friends, and I've noticed that I'm scheduling meeting with them back-to-back, to the point where every single minute of those days I'm watching the clock, because it's literally down to the wire of going from one meeting to the next. I do practice self care on those days when possible, but I feel like I shouldn't be saying, "When possible." I feel like I need to just learn to be more comfortable with saying, "No" to meeting them sometimes too, and let it be their problem if that's offensive to them. Is this wrong? It's gotten to where I overcommit so much that when it actually comes time to *doing* the thing I've planned with them, I really, *really* don't want to. I just want to be in my bed watching Netflix and finally unwinding. I feel like I'm slipping into old habits of catering to others first. I've also been recurrently sick with a potential lung infection since December (finally getting better), and I've had to cancel a few times last-minute because I just don't have the energy. My friends always understand, but I still feel bad because I committed.
In a nutshell, how do I change my mindset/habits so that when I meet with friends and do other fun activities that I plan, I actually still *want* to do them when the time comes?
Everything has been better, particularly within the past year, regarding my time anxiety. I still sometimes feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done, but that seems a normal human experience in our modern world. I no longer work from morning until night preparing teaching materials. I leave work at work, and this has made a massive difference and feels right.
What I've been experiencing recently is more along the lines of wanting to ensure I nurture my social life and meet with friends as frequently as possible. I am more introverted, and I definitely recharge my batteries by being in my own company. I love it, and enjoy just doing whatever I want to do without worrying what others want to do. I have a lot of childhood trauma around people-pleasing and fawning, so it's been life-changing to embrace taking care of myself. No issues there.
The problem is, because I don't want my friends to feel that I'm neglecting them or always saying, "I can't meet today, but how about next week?", I think I'm overcommitting. I sometimes have work obligations (tutoring once per week) or appointments that have me staying out for 12+ hours a day, and only coming home to sleep. This used to happen almost every day, but since establishing boundaries and clearing my plate by saying, "No" to more things I don't actually want to do, this only happens 1-2 times per week at most.
However, because weekends are usually the only time my friends are free, I've been dedicating both weekend days to seeing different friends, and I've noticed that I'm scheduling meeting with them back-to-back, to the point where every single minute of those days I'm watching the clock, because it's literally down to the wire of going from one meeting to the next. I do practice self care on those days when possible, but I feel like I shouldn't be saying, "When possible." I feel like I need to just learn to be more comfortable with saying, "No" to meeting them sometimes too, and let it be their problem if that's offensive to them. Is this wrong? It's gotten to where I overcommit so much that when it actually comes time to *doing* the thing I've planned with them, I really, *really* don't want to. I just want to be in my bed watching Netflix and finally unwinding. I feel like I'm slipping into old habits of catering to others first. I've also been recurrently sick with a potential lung infection since December (finally getting better), and I've had to cancel a few times last-minute because I just don't have the energy. My friends always understand, but I still feel bad because I committed.
In a nutshell, how do I change my mindset/habits so that when I meet with friends and do other fun activities that I plan, I actually still *want* to do them when the time comes?
It's gotten to where I overcommit so much that when it actually comes time to *doing* the thing I've planned with them, I really, *really* don't want to. I just want to be in my bed watching Netflix and finally unwinding
I think this is probably a sign of burnout, or incipient burnout. With burnout you really just have to do less. Possibly way less, if it's really bad. Recovering from infections while burnt out is hard to impossible, too.
posted by BungaDunga at 10:05 AM on February 13 [10 favorites]
I think this is probably a sign of burnout, or incipient burnout. With burnout you really just have to do less. Possibly way less, if it's really bad. Recovering from infections while burnt out is hard to impossible, too.
posted by BungaDunga at 10:05 AM on February 13 [10 favorites]
You say: I don't want my friends to feel that I'm neglecting them or always saying, "I can't meet today, but how about next week?" That sounds like a textbook people-pleasing / fawning attitude to take towards your friends. You have an idea in your head that your friends will be angry or upset or [insert negative feelings] with you if you don't sacrifice your needs and hang out with them as frequently as before, no matter what it costs you and no matter how unhappy it makes you. They haven't said or indicated this: you are pressuring yourself and telling yourself this story because of your people-pleasing and fawning habits.
The good news is, you are in a great position to solve your problem. You're already aware of this "noisy" and unhelpful part of your psyche and you have already made great strides in asserting yourself over it in other areas of your life recently. (That's why you said "it's been life-changing to embrace taking care of myself. No issues there." You've got this!)
Since this is an issue that you have successfully dealt with at other times in the recent past, remind yourself of the lessons you have learned about self-care, remind yourself how good it feels to prioritize your own needs over people-pleasing and fawning, and remind yourself that meeting your introverted self's need for alone-time is a form of necessary self-care which will allow you to socialize with your friends in a more wholesome and mutually fulfilling way, with less resentment and anxiety, even if it is less frequently than before. I promise you that your friends do not wish to hang out with you if you're sacrificing your wellbeing and building up stress or resentment while you do it. People-pleasing helps neither you nor them.
posted by MiraK at 10:06 AM on February 13 [5 favorites]
The good news is, you are in a great position to solve your problem. You're already aware of this "noisy" and unhelpful part of your psyche and you have already made great strides in asserting yourself over it in other areas of your life recently. (That's why you said "it's been life-changing to embrace taking care of myself. No issues there." You've got this!)
Since this is an issue that you have successfully dealt with at other times in the recent past, remind yourself of the lessons you have learned about self-care, remind yourself how good it feels to prioritize your own needs over people-pleasing and fawning, and remind yourself that meeting your introverted self's need for alone-time is a form of necessary self-care which will allow you to socialize with your friends in a more wholesome and mutually fulfilling way, with less resentment and anxiety, even if it is less frequently than before. I promise you that your friends do not wish to hang out with you if you're sacrificing your wellbeing and building up stress or resentment while you do it. People-pleasing helps neither you nor them.
posted by MiraK at 10:06 AM on February 13 [5 favorites]
I’ve had some beautiful conversations with friends recently on this very topic: we’re all still feeling layers of post-pandemic burnout but also want to make sure we don’t lose track of the friendships. With mutual agreement, I’ve set up a recurring monthly ‘date’ with some of friends — place and activity determined the week before, with an acceptable default of “let’s just talk on the phone.” Other friends it’s every other week; one friend it’s a weekly check-in.
One thing I noticed - some friends really care about the Me part of the friendship; other friendships seem to have occurred around “someone who will join me doing a thing I like to do”. Decide how much of your time you want to devote to activity-buddy friendships.
posted by Silvery Fish at 10:20 AM on February 13 [8 favorites]
One thing I noticed - some friends really care about the Me part of the friendship; other friendships seem to have occurred around “someone who will join me doing a thing I like to do”. Decide how much of your time you want to devote to activity-buddy friendships.
posted by Silvery Fish at 10:20 AM on February 13 [8 favorites]
Ill just add that several months ago I decided that Sunday would be my day of Rest (notes that I am not at all religious). I don’t have kids so I can really set it up how I want, but for be this means I don’t make any social plans (and my friends know this), I don’t plan any errands or to do items (including grocery shopping or cleaning). I will sometimes still cook, but I happily eat leftovers all the time, so I try to plan ahead.
I usually end up sleeping, watching tv, taking walks and reading. It hasn’t 100% worked out very Sunday, but it’s lovely when I make it happen. Days of Rest are important.
posted by raccoon409 at 10:40 AM on February 13 [7 favorites]
I usually end up sleeping, watching tv, taking walks and reading. It hasn’t 100% worked out very Sunday, but it’s lovely when I make it happen. Days of Rest are important.
posted by raccoon409 at 10:40 AM on February 13 [7 favorites]
I feel like I need to just learn to be more comfortable with saying, "No" to meeting them sometimes too, and let it be their problem if that's offensive to them. Is this wrong?
This is right!
To my introverted soul, you sound very overscheduled. What if you tried halving the number of social plans you make on a weekend and see how you feel? Adjust as needed. Pay attention to the feeling in your body when you don't want to do something, so that you can notice it when it pops up as you're calibrating yourself to a healthy balance of social-to-alone time.
The problem is, because I don't want my friends to feel that I'm neglecting them or always saying, "I can't meet today, but how about next week?", I think I'm overcommitting.
Do they tell you that you're neglecting them? It's up to them to communicate directly about their feelings, and it's up to you to create boundaries and enforce them. And yes, if they get angry, they can be angry. I think that a good friend would respect your boundaries and feel happy that you're not actively harming yourself in order to prevent someone from feeling hurt.
Do you have a friend who you trust enough to try this out with? Maybe start with that person. When you (hopefully) see that your friends want you to take care of yourself, it will reinforce the idea that what you're asking for is good.
posted by sugarbomb at 11:36 AM on February 13 [3 favorites]
This is right!
To my introverted soul, you sound very overscheduled. What if you tried halving the number of social plans you make on a weekend and see how you feel? Adjust as needed. Pay attention to the feeling in your body when you don't want to do something, so that you can notice it when it pops up as you're calibrating yourself to a healthy balance of social-to-alone time.
The problem is, because I don't want my friends to feel that I'm neglecting them or always saying, "I can't meet today, but how about next week?", I think I'm overcommitting.
Do they tell you that you're neglecting them? It's up to them to communicate directly about their feelings, and it's up to you to create boundaries and enforce them. And yes, if they get angry, they can be angry. I think that a good friend would respect your boundaries and feel happy that you're not actively harming yourself in order to prevent someone from feeling hurt.
Do you have a friend who you trust enough to try this out with? Maybe start with that person. When you (hopefully) see that your friends want you to take care of yourself, it will reinforce the idea that what you're asking for is good.
posted by sugarbomb at 11:36 AM on February 13 [3 favorites]
Do you have lots of friends you spend time with individually? Spending time with people one-on-one can feel great for folks who are introverts, but it also takes a lot more time. What might it look like to bring some of those friends together, perhaps for something like a weekend brunch or dinner? So you see them all, but not with the time and social intensity of individual meet ups.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:32 PM on February 13 [4 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 12:32 PM on February 13 [4 favorites]
Ugh, this would flat kill me. I can deal with maybe one thing on the weekend involving a friend or friends and the rest has to be me, me, me, or I feel crazed. I would just say, "Sorry, I'm slammed on weekends these days" and leave out the fact that what you're slammed with is a heavy hurkle-durkle schedule. I haven't lost any friends from being incapable of dealing with frolicking with my pals all weekend, and I don't think you will, either. Just hunker down for a good long while, like at least a month, and let yourself reset. Eventually you'll start missing other people, and then you can reach out. It's not a bad problem to have--people like you and want to hang out! But you've gotten overextended and you need a break and that is fine.
posted by Don Pepino at 3:27 PM on February 13 [6 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 3:27 PM on February 13 [6 favorites]
Are you reacting to what your friends have actually told you they want, or your worst-case mental model of what you think they might want and how you fear they might react if you don’t give it to them?
Don’t set yourself on fire to appease a version of people you aren’t even sure is real.
posted by Alterscape at 5:54 PM on February 13 [2 favorites]
Don’t set yourself on fire to appease a version of people you aren’t even sure is real.
posted by Alterscape at 5:54 PM on February 13 [2 favorites]
First, you're probably assuming that your friends are taking umbrage at your scheduling being busy. They aren't.
Second, have you ever considered spending time with some friends in a far less formal way? A lot of my friends and I are in favor of "chore dates" or "errand dates." One of them has a constantly-busy schedule. She works from home, and until recently had one kid at home and one in school.
We would hang out in the midst of handling errands. I'd go to the library a little before she was headed to the older kid's school pickup line; when I'd finish in the library, I'd walk across the massive parking lot, find her car, get in, and she and I (with the little dude) would hang out. I have another friend whom I meet to do our shopping at Target. That plaza also has a Whole Foods, and Trader Joe's is just up the street, and we make time to do these errands together. Are we having deep, meaningful, crying-in-our-coffee conversations on those days? Nope. But we're getting our chores and errands done and also hanging out.
You could grocery shop with one friend, do driving errands with another friend (and then drive somewhere pretty and just watch the vista), do a workout or a long walk/hike/run with a friend. They don't all have to be sedentary using-up-my-precious-time-and-energy meetups.
Third, if you have friends with whom you could hang out in a group, do that. Introduce Jane to Mary and the three of you can have brunch together. (Brunch doesn't seem as time consuming as dinner because it's still daylight afterward, and you've combined an "activity" (eating) with socializing and you don't have carry the conversation.
Fourth, the weekend has, at most, 7 chunks: Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon, and Sunday night. I say "at most" because I sleep in and don't DO mornings. And except in rare circumstances, I'm watching PBS on Sunday nights. So that leaves me with four chunks. Maybe you flip the script and say that you'll meet folks on weekend mornings, but leave the afternoons for yourself and maybe one of the three weekend evenings to play with a friend.
But back to #1. You don't have to say yes to everything for your friends to feel loved. You need to say yes to yourself and give yourself ALL the downtime you need (and want), and then build your time available to your friends out of what remains (notwithstanding a friend having a true emergency).
Think of it this way: if you had a kid, you'd have to put that kid's health and well-being ahead of randomly pleasing your friends. Well, Jangatroo has an inner child who needs nurturing. Do that first.
Finally, if you feel like you're ignoring a friend, connect in other ways. Send a greeting card with a heartfelt message. Connect on the phone while you're driving home or running errands or waiting in the drive-through. Showing someone you love them (or even like them) doesn't require you being there ALL the time. It just means staying connected in some way that makes them feel they aren't alone in the world.
Take care of yourself as you'd want them to take care of themselves, and then find ways to connect that are less time-hogging or onerous. YOU CAN DO IT and they'll be proud of you that you've nurtured yourself. So will we!
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 6:41 PM on February 13 [2 favorites]
Second, have you ever considered spending time with some friends in a far less formal way? A lot of my friends and I are in favor of "chore dates" or "errand dates." One of them has a constantly-busy schedule. She works from home, and until recently had one kid at home and one in school.
We would hang out in the midst of handling errands. I'd go to the library a little before she was headed to the older kid's school pickup line; when I'd finish in the library, I'd walk across the massive parking lot, find her car, get in, and she and I (with the little dude) would hang out. I have another friend whom I meet to do our shopping at Target. That plaza also has a Whole Foods, and Trader Joe's is just up the street, and we make time to do these errands together. Are we having deep, meaningful, crying-in-our-coffee conversations on those days? Nope. But we're getting our chores and errands done and also hanging out.
You could grocery shop with one friend, do driving errands with another friend (and then drive somewhere pretty and just watch the vista), do a workout or a long walk/hike/run with a friend. They don't all have to be sedentary using-up-my-precious-time-and-energy meetups.
Third, if you have friends with whom you could hang out in a group, do that. Introduce Jane to Mary and the three of you can have brunch together. (Brunch doesn't seem as time consuming as dinner because it's still daylight afterward, and you've combined an "activity" (eating) with socializing and you don't have carry the conversation.
Fourth, the weekend has, at most, 7 chunks: Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon, and Sunday night. I say "at most" because I sleep in and don't DO mornings. And except in rare circumstances, I'm watching PBS on Sunday nights. So that leaves me with four chunks. Maybe you flip the script and say that you'll meet folks on weekend mornings, but leave the afternoons for yourself and maybe one of the three weekend evenings to play with a friend.
But back to #1. You don't have to say yes to everything for your friends to feel loved. You need to say yes to yourself and give yourself ALL the downtime you need (and want), and then build your time available to your friends out of what remains (notwithstanding a friend having a true emergency).
Think of it this way: if you had a kid, you'd have to put that kid's health and well-being ahead of randomly pleasing your friends. Well, Jangatroo has an inner child who needs nurturing. Do that first.
Finally, if you feel like you're ignoring a friend, connect in other ways. Send a greeting card with a heartfelt message. Connect on the phone while you're driving home or running errands or waiting in the drive-through. Showing someone you love them (or even like them) doesn't require you being there ALL the time. It just means staying connected in some way that makes them feel they aren't alone in the world.
Take care of yourself as you'd want them to take care of themselves, and then find ways to connect that are less time-hogging or onerous. YOU CAN DO IT and they'll be proud of you that you've nurtured yourself. So will we!
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 6:41 PM on February 13 [2 favorites]
If these are close friends, I think they’d want to know how you’re feeling, and would be happy to support you by adjusting the hangout schedule.
I’ve had friends fall off the map plenty of times due to work or family stuff. I know it’s not personal, and I’m happy to see them again when their lives are more balanced.
What I’m trying to say is: put your own oxygen mask on first. The worthwhile friends can handle it.
posted by bunderful at 7:16 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]
I’ve had friends fall off the map plenty of times due to work or family stuff. I know it’s not personal, and I’m happy to see them again when their lives are more balanced.
What I’m trying to say is: put your own oxygen mask on first. The worthwhile friends can handle it.
posted by bunderful at 7:16 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you, everyone! I've deliberately refrained from scheduling anything this weekend except for one activity; everything else is for and with myself only. It already feels better.
I definitely have been presuming that my friends would be upset and feel neglected, even though I don't think a single one of them would. And if they were offended and didn't communicate those feelings, that's on them. I really appreciate it, folks!
posted by Jangatroo at 1:35 PM on February 16
I definitely have been presuming that my friends would be upset and feel neglected, even though I don't think a single one of them would. And if they were offended and didn't communicate those feelings, that's on them. I really appreciate it, folks!
posted by Jangatroo at 1:35 PM on February 16
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Since you sound like you like planning, could you deliberately schedule Jangatroo solo chill time throughout both days? As in literally block off hours on your calendar for activities like "zone out with Netflix" and "take nap"?
posted by capricorn at 9:56 AM on February 13 [6 favorites]