How to be ok with doing less
June 5, 2022 6:12 AM Subscribe
How can I learn to be ok with giving less than 100% at work?
tl;dr: I need to work less hard in order to conserve some energy for self-care, but I feel anxious about scaling back my efforts at work, and worried that this will be noticed/criticised. How can I handle these feelings, and how can I manage any criticism that I might get?
Longer explanation: My work culture is pretty toxic and intense. Everyone, from the most junior admin person to the Chief Exec, works extremely hard - e.g. not taking annual leave, working while sick, working overtime pretty much every single day, not taking a full lunch break etc.
I don't consider myself an innately hard-working person but there is a lot of pressure to not just work hard but to be seen to be working hard, if that makes sense. So I too work overtime, work (at home) while sick, etc. I am an anxious people pleaser, in case that wasn't obvious.
The problem is that, as I have posted about on AskMe before, I struggle to take care of myself, especially when my energy is all tapped out from long and intense work days. I'm increasingly conscious of slowing down with age (late 30s) and I really want to be able to spend more time on myself - sleeping, resting, reading, cooking good and nutritious food rather than relying on takeaways, getting time to do some exercise. Instead my energy gets entirely sucked up by the pressure to commute a horrible distance to work and perform well there. Any time that I am not working, I am EXHAUSTED.
I know I need to scale back. I know there is a midpoint that I need to become comfortable inhabiting between totally slacking off and over-performing. I need to be ok with leaving work on time, even though everyone else in the office is still working, so I can go home and cook myself a proper dinner and get to bed at a reasonable hour. On days that I work from home, I need to be ok with taking half an hour away from my computer to go for a walk rather than worry that my boss is going to judge me for not replying to emails instantaneously. But I know that such things get noticed in my toxic workplace and it makes me anxious.
I am fairly sure my workplace considers me a high performer, but we have a perfectionistic, critical culture, and I personally feel under pressure all the time to prove myself and be amazing. Given that, it's really hard to feel ok about scaling back to the point that I need to in order to take care of myself. Seeking advice as to how to do that and feel ok about it; and also how to manage any criticism I might get for not beavering away into overtime or not being as responsive as my bosses would like me to be or whatever else this might entail.
I won't go into detail because you don't need it, but suffice it to say, this is not just my anxiety or imagination; I have received and I know that colleagues have received criticism for things like leaving work on time, taking annual leave, being unwell and, in one particularly toxic example, needing to take leave to attend a funeral.
(For the purposes of this question, please do not tell me to get a new job because I know I need to and that is something I have been working on for a long time. I've posted about my non-optimal work conditions many times and I absolutely know it's not the best place to work but it's still well-paid with good benefits. I have been job-hunting since the beginning of the pandemic, interviewed at numerous other organisations, but have either been rejected or decided not to accept job offers. I need a new job that meets my criteria in terms of salary and benefits in order to support myself and my family.)
tl;dr: I need to work less hard in order to conserve some energy for self-care, but I feel anxious about scaling back my efforts at work, and worried that this will be noticed/criticised. How can I handle these feelings, and how can I manage any criticism that I might get?
Longer explanation: My work culture is pretty toxic and intense. Everyone, from the most junior admin person to the Chief Exec, works extremely hard - e.g. not taking annual leave, working while sick, working overtime pretty much every single day, not taking a full lunch break etc.
I don't consider myself an innately hard-working person but there is a lot of pressure to not just work hard but to be seen to be working hard, if that makes sense. So I too work overtime, work (at home) while sick, etc. I am an anxious people pleaser, in case that wasn't obvious.
The problem is that, as I have posted about on AskMe before, I struggle to take care of myself, especially when my energy is all tapped out from long and intense work days. I'm increasingly conscious of slowing down with age (late 30s) and I really want to be able to spend more time on myself - sleeping, resting, reading, cooking good and nutritious food rather than relying on takeaways, getting time to do some exercise. Instead my energy gets entirely sucked up by the pressure to commute a horrible distance to work and perform well there. Any time that I am not working, I am EXHAUSTED.
I know I need to scale back. I know there is a midpoint that I need to become comfortable inhabiting between totally slacking off and over-performing. I need to be ok with leaving work on time, even though everyone else in the office is still working, so I can go home and cook myself a proper dinner and get to bed at a reasonable hour. On days that I work from home, I need to be ok with taking half an hour away from my computer to go for a walk rather than worry that my boss is going to judge me for not replying to emails instantaneously. But I know that such things get noticed in my toxic workplace and it makes me anxious.
I am fairly sure my workplace considers me a high performer, but we have a perfectionistic, critical culture, and I personally feel under pressure all the time to prove myself and be amazing. Given that, it's really hard to feel ok about scaling back to the point that I need to in order to take care of myself. Seeking advice as to how to do that and feel ok about it; and also how to manage any criticism I might get for not beavering away into overtime or not being as responsive as my bosses would like me to be or whatever else this might entail.
I won't go into detail because you don't need it, but suffice it to say, this is not just my anxiety or imagination; I have received and I know that colleagues have received criticism for things like leaving work on time, taking annual leave, being unwell and, in one particularly toxic example, needing to take leave to attend a funeral.
(For the purposes of this question, please do not tell me to get a new job because I know I need to and that is something I have been working on for a long time. I've posted about my non-optimal work conditions many times and I absolutely know it's not the best place to work but it's still well-paid with good benefits. I have been job-hunting since the beginning of the pandemic, interviewed at numerous other organisations, but have either been rejected or decided not to accept job offers. I need a new job that meets my criteria in terms of salary and benefits in order to support myself and my family.)
Advice if you’re still working from home:
If your company uses a messaging program that shows you as “unavailable” when your computer has been idle for a while, you can install a program called The Jiggler that will jiggle the mouse cursor at an interval you choose, so your message program will think your are online.
Turn on the direct message alert to make a sound.
Start by stepping away from your computer for brief periods. 10 minutes to eat your sandwich at a dining table while your computer is on a coffee table. If a message comes through while you’re away you can get up to go look at it. After a few days, if a message comes through while you’re eating, wait until you’ve had your last bite to get up and look. Expand the time away from your computer for lunch to 15, 20, 30 minutes, goal is to be away long enough to prepare lunch, eat it, and clean up.
posted by bilabial at 6:21 AM on June 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
If your company uses a messaging program that shows you as “unavailable” when your computer has been idle for a while, you can install a program called The Jiggler that will jiggle the mouse cursor at an interval you choose, so your message program will think your are online.
Turn on the direct message alert to make a sound.
Start by stepping away from your computer for brief periods. 10 minutes to eat your sandwich at a dining table while your computer is on a coffee table. If a message comes through while you’re away you can get up to go look at it. After a few days, if a message comes through while you’re eating, wait until you’ve had your last bite to get up and look. Expand the time away from your computer for lunch to 15, 20, 30 minutes, goal is to be away long enough to prepare lunch, eat it, and clean up.
posted by bilabial at 6:21 AM on June 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
One of the biggest reasons that workers shouldn't be expected to run at 100% all the time is that when there's an actual emergency or need for an extra push, there's nothing left for them to give.
(Not burning people out is another good reason.)
you can install a program called The Jiggler
Some security/management software will detect and flag it as work avoidance software.
posted by Candleman at 6:35 AM on June 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
(Not burning people out is another good reason.)
you can install a program called The Jiggler
Some security/management software will detect and flag it as work avoidance software.
posted by Candleman at 6:35 AM on June 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
Have the coworkers who have received criticism been fired? Have they missed out on opportunities that are important to you?
I ask because maybe the middle ground is being prepared to be criticized. That's hard I know but you could make your choices now, and see what happens. If the result isn't going to be a really bad one (fired/not getting to do work you care about/missing out on promotions and raises), you could just - deal with the criticism when it comes. You could even adjust after criticism if you find that it didn't work out (again, if the results aren't getting fired etc.)
posted by warriorqueen at 6:48 AM on June 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
I ask because maybe the middle ground is being prepared to be criticized. That's hard I know but you could make your choices now, and see what happens. If the result isn't going to be a really bad one (fired/not getting to do work you care about/missing out on promotions and raises), you could just - deal with the criticism when it comes. You could even adjust after criticism if you find that it didn't work out (again, if the results aren't getting fired etc.)
posted by warriorqueen at 6:48 AM on June 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
Pay attention to what actually happens if you do take lunch, finish at a reasonable hr etc. chances are the answer is ‘nothing’. And the first time you risk doing that you’ll be a wreck. And then you find nobody has died and the sun did rise again…and then you feel a lot less nervous the next time.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:20 AM on June 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:20 AM on June 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
RE responding to criticism: "I find that I'm more productive when I take breaks/ limit my work hours."
posted by metasarah at 7:35 AM on June 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 7:35 AM on June 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
I feel you on this. I spent most of my career at a large organization with this kind of work culture, and now that I am head of my own nonprofit, I've made it a huge priority to run things a different way. It's not easy, though, because so much of that toxic culture has invaded the larger society.
The good news is that people are finally starting to realize that this approach is actually less productive than recognizing that people need time for renewal and self care if they are going to be resilient and able to perform when needed. Even The Harvard Business Review is on side. So, if there is room for discussion in your organization, you could seed the ground by starting to talk about this kind of research and thinking.
Others have give lots of good advice on practical ways of fencing off some time without appearing to be slacking. I've also found it useful to schedule breaks and lunch times in my company calendar (usually under something generic like "meeting"). Since people know I am ardently against multi-tasking since it actually undermines productivity, they know not to expect me to answer e-mails if something is on my schedule,If I want to take a quick walk, I can do that without answering a lot of questions.
It's also worth taking a good hard look at your company culture and identifying a few things that are read as shorthand for "good employee" vs. "slacker." If leaving exactly on time will get you marked, it might be worth thinking about how you could cut your overtime at the end of the day but still stay a few extra minutes so you are not seen as a clock watcher. If being "on" e-mails bright and early in the morning is considered a sign, use the delay send feature and work from home more to buy yourself a little slack.
I also agree with advice above to just do what you need to do and see what happens. The more matter of fact you can be about it, the less pushback you are likely to get, especially if you maintain high performance.
These are all kind of stopgap measures, though, and I'm glad to read that you are actively looking for a new job. Workplaces like your current one don't usually change that much unless there is some kind of crisis that forces transformation from the top down.
posted by rpfields at 9:25 AM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
The good news is that people are finally starting to realize that this approach is actually less productive than recognizing that people need time for renewal and self care if they are going to be resilient and able to perform when needed. Even The Harvard Business Review is on side. So, if there is room for discussion in your organization, you could seed the ground by starting to talk about this kind of research and thinking.
Others have give lots of good advice on practical ways of fencing off some time without appearing to be slacking. I've also found it useful to schedule breaks and lunch times in my company calendar (usually under something generic like "meeting"). Since people know I am ardently against multi-tasking since it actually undermines productivity, they know not to expect me to answer e-mails if something is on my schedule,If I want to take a quick walk, I can do that without answering a lot of questions.
It's also worth taking a good hard look at your company culture and identifying a few things that are read as shorthand for "good employee" vs. "slacker." If leaving exactly on time will get you marked, it might be worth thinking about how you could cut your overtime at the end of the day but still stay a few extra minutes so you are not seen as a clock watcher. If being "on" e-mails bright and early in the morning is considered a sign, use the delay send feature and work from home more to buy yourself a little slack.
I also agree with advice above to just do what you need to do and see what happens. The more matter of fact you can be about it, the less pushback you are likely to get, especially if you maintain high performance.
These are all kind of stopgap measures, though, and I'm glad to read that you are actively looking for a new job. Workplaces like your current one don't usually change that much unless there is some kind of crisis that forces transformation from the top down.
posted by rpfields at 9:25 AM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
A quick Google for "mouse jiggler" brings up a number of external devices that would not be detectable to your IT department, as software might be. Here is what Amazon has, for starters.
I am fortunate that my company is good about work/life balance, so I am just brainstorming a bit here:
Is your email accessible on your cell phone? If so, you could be less tied to your computer if you can walk away from your desk with your phone to do some pre-prep for dinner, do some stretches, or just lie down and rest for a few minutes (set an alarm.)
For exercise, maybe for your home office look into a treadmill desk, or a device for pedaling under your desk while you work. Which is not to say that you shouldn't make time for exercise separate from your work, but exercise is generally not what I want to be doing with my free time so if I can get a little bit of it out of the way while I'm also working, it's a win for me.
When I'm in the office, I get up periodically to go to the restroom, and I always take the long way so I get in a few more steps and stretch my legs. In the bathroom, I have been known to sit on the john and look at Facebook to get a few minutes of peace. (Not like half an hour, maybe 5-10 minutes to give my brain a break.) I also sometimes do a couple of sets of wall pushups in the stall before I come out. You want the farthest stall from the door if you can get it, to evade the prying eyes of coworkers who might otherwise walk by.
Never underestimate the power of illusion. Dress professionally in the office. If you are female-presenting, wear high heels if you can (it makes your footsteps sound purposeful, lol.) Any time you get up to walk somewhere, take a file folder or a covered notebook with you and walk fast, it seems like you are busy and have places to be.
Instead of takeout, subscribe to a meal kit service that will send you pre-prepped ingredients to cook a healthy meal. Check how much prep is done for you... I think some services will provide pre-chopped veggies that you can just dump in the skillet or whatever, while others will give you a whole carrot, rib of celery, unpeeled potato, etc that you will have to chop. Get the most prep you can get for your buck.
If you feel you absolutely must work while home sick, is there a bare minimum you can do that will make it look like you are on top of things while leaving you time to rest? For example, email makes up a moderate portion of what I do in a day, but many of the requests need to be handled fairly quickly. The rest of my normal work day is made up of various projects and reports that are time-consuming but less time-sensitive. I've had the occasional day where me calling off sick would have been a pain in the ass because someone would have to cover my email. So the extent of my work-from-home that day would be to check my email periodically, deal with anything important therein, flag the rest for another day, and ignore the projects/reports for the day. I get a fair amount of rest that way and nobody is cursing my name about having to cover.
If it is important to appear to be busy at your desk, there is always the time-honored method of conducting personal business which if done right can make you look busy and also get some personal tasks taken care of so you have less to do in your free time. This of course depends on how closely you are monitored. If someone can hear your phone calls, or see that what you have up on your computer screen is your in-progress grocery list and not the TPS report you are supposed to be working on, this might not work for you.
Here's one that is especially suitable for work from home: multi-task during meetings or lengthy phone calls. I keep manicure supplies and vitamins on a shelf near my desk so during meetings I can clip my nails, fill up my weekly vitamin/med pill container, or sometimes I just tidy my desk area while listening. It's less I have to do in my off-work time.
When I do exercise on my own time, I really enjoy swimming because I find it very relaxing in addition to the exercise I am getting. Double self-care.
posted by sock puppy at 9:52 AM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am fortunate that my company is good about work/life balance, so I am just brainstorming a bit here:
Is your email accessible on your cell phone? If so, you could be less tied to your computer if you can walk away from your desk with your phone to do some pre-prep for dinner, do some stretches, or just lie down and rest for a few minutes (set an alarm.)
For exercise, maybe for your home office look into a treadmill desk, or a device for pedaling under your desk while you work. Which is not to say that you shouldn't make time for exercise separate from your work, but exercise is generally not what I want to be doing with my free time so if I can get a little bit of it out of the way while I'm also working, it's a win for me.
When I'm in the office, I get up periodically to go to the restroom, and I always take the long way so I get in a few more steps and stretch my legs. In the bathroom, I have been known to sit on the john and look at Facebook to get a few minutes of peace. (Not like half an hour, maybe 5-10 minutes to give my brain a break.) I also sometimes do a couple of sets of wall pushups in the stall before I come out. You want the farthest stall from the door if you can get it, to evade the prying eyes of coworkers who might otherwise walk by.
Never underestimate the power of illusion. Dress professionally in the office. If you are female-presenting, wear high heels if you can (it makes your footsteps sound purposeful, lol.) Any time you get up to walk somewhere, take a file folder or a covered notebook with you and walk fast, it seems like you are busy and have places to be.
Instead of takeout, subscribe to a meal kit service that will send you pre-prepped ingredients to cook a healthy meal. Check how much prep is done for you... I think some services will provide pre-chopped veggies that you can just dump in the skillet or whatever, while others will give you a whole carrot, rib of celery, unpeeled potato, etc that you will have to chop. Get the most prep you can get for your buck.
If you feel you absolutely must work while home sick, is there a bare minimum you can do that will make it look like you are on top of things while leaving you time to rest? For example, email makes up a moderate portion of what I do in a day, but many of the requests need to be handled fairly quickly. The rest of my normal work day is made up of various projects and reports that are time-consuming but less time-sensitive. I've had the occasional day where me calling off sick would have been a pain in the ass because someone would have to cover my email. So the extent of my work-from-home that day would be to check my email periodically, deal with anything important therein, flag the rest for another day, and ignore the projects/reports for the day. I get a fair amount of rest that way and nobody is cursing my name about having to cover.
If it is important to appear to be busy at your desk, there is always the time-honored method of conducting personal business which if done right can make you look busy and also get some personal tasks taken care of so you have less to do in your free time. This of course depends on how closely you are monitored. If someone can hear your phone calls, or see that what you have up on your computer screen is your in-progress grocery list and not the TPS report you are supposed to be working on, this might not work for you.
Here's one that is especially suitable for work from home: multi-task during meetings or lengthy phone calls. I keep manicure supplies and vitamins on a shelf near my desk so during meetings I can clip my nails, fill up my weekly vitamin/med pill container, or sometimes I just tidy my desk area while listening. It's less I have to do in my off-work time.
When I do exercise on my own time, I really enjoy swimming because I find it very relaxing in addition to the exercise I am getting. Double self-care.
posted by sock puppy at 9:52 AM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Take your 15-minute breaks. Set your Slack/Teams/whatever to "be right back" or "away" or whatever, and step away from your desk. Get water, take a bio-break, take a walk, whatever. But don't come back online until you've had your full break time.
Block out lunch time so that people won't schedule you for meetings.
You might also block out "productive time" in the mornings where you set your Teams/Slack/whatever to either "do not disturb" or "offline", and in those 2-3 hours you do work, you respond to emails, but you don't respond to chats and you don't take meetings.
Some colleagues of mine also had a designated day of the week that was their "no-meeting/low-meeting" day - people could schedule meetings with them on that day, but the colleague would often RSVP "maybe" to the non-recurring meetings on that day unless it really was a four-alarm fire.
Leave at the same time every day, unless you have prior commitments which cause you to leave earlier. If you must, sign up for an evening activity or two that effectively forces you to leave at a certain time on certain days.
People will still snipe-n-gripe, but if you keep producing results and your schedule is predictable, they'll be less disgusting about it. Sure they will roll their eyes, and/or make slighting comments. That's them and their fiefbuilding. They will never be happy with you because the workplace culture is "burn-out central", so anyone who doesn't suffer as much as they perceive themselves to suffer, they'll pick on.
posted by Tailkinker to-Ennien at 1:35 PM on June 5, 2022
Block out lunch time so that people won't schedule you for meetings.
You might also block out "productive time" in the mornings where you set your Teams/Slack/whatever to either "do not disturb" or "offline", and in those 2-3 hours you do work, you respond to emails, but you don't respond to chats and you don't take meetings.
Some colleagues of mine also had a designated day of the week that was their "no-meeting/low-meeting" day - people could schedule meetings with them on that day, but the colleague would often RSVP "maybe" to the non-recurring meetings on that day unless it really was a four-alarm fire.
Leave at the same time every day, unless you have prior commitments which cause you to leave earlier. If you must, sign up for an evening activity or two that effectively forces you to leave at a certain time on certain days.
People will still snipe-n-gripe, but if you keep producing results and your schedule is predictable, they'll be less disgusting about it. Sure they will roll their eyes, and/or make slighting comments. That's them and their fiefbuilding. They will never be happy with you because the workplace culture is "burn-out central", so anyone who doesn't suffer as much as they perceive themselves to suffer, they'll pick on.
posted by Tailkinker to-Ennien at 1:35 PM on June 5, 2022
Read "How to Do Nothing" by Jenny Odell. It answers your question beautifully. The answer to this isn't just logistical, it needs a pretty big mental shift that goes against the current of strong cultural messaging. It's not easy. But this book is a good place to start. It's not a laundry list of advice, so you don't feel weighed down by a big #selfcare todo list. It's just a joy to read.
Another good one is Laziness Does Not Exist, by Devon Price. It's not a beautifully written book like Jenny Odell's. But there are some very handy truth bombs in there.
posted by pablocake at 2:20 AM on June 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
Another good one is Laziness Does Not Exist, by Devon Price. It's not a beautifully written book like Jenny Odell's. But there are some very handy truth bombs in there.
posted by pablocake at 2:20 AM on June 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
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home (ie, asleep).
My boss also asked me to send “thanks for sending - I’m on it” type emails to clients even though I didn’t plan to reply for a week - just so they felt taken care of.
I also tweaked my start and end hours- I would arrive JUST before my boss to give the impression that I was a productive morning person, and I would leave the second the boss left.
I also had a recurring weekly commitment (quirky sports team, interesting class, etc) and talked about it, so it was known that I was leaving at 6 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and it seemed kind of cool / cute that I had this outside interest. This interest could be fictional.
One person I worked with was picky about leaving “to catch my train” which worked because their train did only run once an hour.
I also sent weekly summaries of my work to my boss, to make my productivity more obvious.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:18 AM on June 5, 2022 [18 favorites]