Social anxiety at work, how to manage?

January 25, 2024 9:25 AM

I feel like I embarrassed myself at work today and like my team have "found out" how awkward and shy I am. How do you manage the feelings of shame and embarrassment?

I've been at the job for 6 months and don't have to do any public speaking. I only really engage with my immediate team. I haven't had to speak in team meetings thus far.

However, as it's year end (I work in finance), we have been having team update meetings where each of us has to give a brief update on where we are at.

We literally have to say a couple of sentences. Today, it was in person, and my heart was pounding I was so nervous.

I ended up gabbling something, don't know if I made sense and it was so obvious I was anxious and scared. I saw one guy looking down at his shoes, presumably to make it easier for me or from secondhand feelings of awkwardness.

I've spent all day cringing and feeling awkward about it. It probably wasn't even that bad and I've been trying to act normal but I keep thinking how their view of me must have changed and how bad I must look.

Plus feelings of anxiety of having to do it again and how to manage that.

Does anyone have any advice on how to manage this?

posted by Sunflower88 to Health & Fitness (20 answers total)

I saw one guy looking down at his shoes, presumably to make it easier for me or from secondhand feelings of awkwardness.

Or because he was tired, or he felt like his shoes were untied, or he had a wedgie he couldn't fix in the meeting, or his cat died, or or or...

Plus feelings of anxiety of having to do it again and how to manage that.

Practice, but also, if you're not already in therapy, I'll make the classic green suggestion of perhaps doing a little therapy to manage to the anxiety and continuing to dwell on it.
posted by joycehealy at 9:30 AM on January 25 [11 favorites]

For one, people generally don't think about you that long after something happens. Also, people in general wish you success, so when they watched you speak they were looking for the positives, not to find criticism.

One thing I find that helps is to twist it to a funny story you can joke about - this will potentially temper your feelings too if you can laugh about it.
posted by AzraelBrown at 9:31 AM on January 25 [4 favorites]

So you work in an industry that is not heavy on public speaking, on a team that doesn't need to do public speaking except extremely occasionally, and you're not great at public speaking? That's fine. It's fine. It's really ok. No one rational expects everyone to be good at public speaking - in fact, I'd say half the population is mediocre-to-bad at it, a significant percentage loathes it, and it's the rare person who adores it and they usually self-select into roles with significant opportunities for it.

Give yourself the rest of the day to be minorly freaked out, your endocrine system is going full blast and there's only so much you can do about that. When you get a chance, get some kind of exercise, take an anti-anxiety rescue med if you have one, and every time you catch yourself thinking how terrible you are, cut that thought off and replace it with "This is normal, it was scary, and it's over."

Tomorrow, if you want, see if you can schedule a short meeting with your manager/team lead, ask them for feedback and suggestions on how to improve. They may well say "you were fine, don't worry about it." If they do, believe them. If they have suggestions, take them.

That's it, that's the whole thing, really. You did something scary, you got scared, it was fine, no one died.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:49 AM on January 25 [29 favorites]

I'll quote an answer I made elsewhere:

I gave a large number of [horrible presentations] (The Q&A should never kick off with "Are these your slides?") but I kept getting invited to speak. People are there to get information, not rate your performance skills. As long as you're bringing the good stuff they'll tolerate a lot.

After many years I still had a few of the same bizarre quirks I had starting out. For example, I could not look to the left when giving a public presentation. Wouldn't happen. I taught myself to rotate my entire body if I wanted to see that side of the audience. No one minded.

But I kept working and one day I made it. I gave a presentation was both smart and funny, it engaged almost everyone in the room, there was no hint of tremor in my voice and my head swiveled easily. Best damn retirement speech you ever heard.

posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:53 AM on January 25 [15 favorites]

Loads of people struggle with social anxiety. By being up front about it--"yeah, I struggle with that sort of thing, thanks for understanding"--you are giving other people permission to feel the same way. There may be somebody nearby who feels a little better knowing they're not the only one.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 9:56 AM on January 25 [4 favorites]

In most jobs, performance outweighs public speaking. I had a co-worker who was a tall, substantial man whose voice would nevertheless crack and warble when he was forced to speak to more than four or five people. Everyone noticed. But no one judged him. He was good at his job, so it didn't matter. Really. In fact, he's now my boss.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:59 AM on January 25 [5 favorites]

I would work on managing the physical symptoms of anxiety before the presentation. I learned some exercises in CBT, but articles or videos will do as well. Consider doing box breathing or other breathing exercises (eg in for 4, hold for 6, out for 8) designed for high anxiety. Try smelling something strong (such as a couple drops of essential oil on a tissue), feeling something cold (ice cube to the back of the neck), or focusing on the current environment (name 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 you feel, 2 you smell, 1 you taste). You can learn to tolerate short feelings of anxiety, they will pass.

Definitely get feedback from your boss and practice. Simply attending the meeting and trying a new thing every time is practice. Status meetings are deadly boring so likely nobody noticed. You’re good.
posted by shock muppet at 10:06 AM on January 25

Also: I would not say anything about the social anxiety to your coworkers, you’ll just have awkward conversations. Keep practicing and try again.
posted by shock muppet at 10:07 AM on January 25 [7 favorites]

As somebody with sometimes severe social anxiety, if I noticed it, or the possibility of it, in a coworker it would make me feel slightly more comfortable with / positive towards that coworker.

If you're going to have more of these meetings, prepare your two sentences beforehand, pick one person to say them to, and address that person when you're in the meeting as if you're talking just to them.
posted by trig at 10:14 AM on January 25 [1 favorite]

I was once in a large meeting where a candidate for a high level job, during a presentation she prepared, absolutely froze and had to stop for like a whole minute to compose herself and find her place again. No one held it against her, and she was offered and accepted the position. I think folks felt some empathy for her (I certainly did), but even in a job that was a leadership position and requires some speaking in large meetings, no one found this disqualifying in any sort of way. It seemed human.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:45 AM on January 25 [1 favorite]

I used to have this problem at work. It helped me to think of face-to-face interactions as a kind of performance, to act amiable even if I felt like cringing. It would be nice if you could just "be yourself" at work, but I soon realized I needed to perform as a "better self" to manage presentations.
posted by SPrintF at 11:28 AM on January 25

I know this won't help, but no one is thinking about you and your anxiety. They are worried about what to make for dinner, or whether their work is all done, or what's on TV tonight, or ... that's the first step. You're allowed to be nervous and not be comfortable at public speaking. Everyone understands and no one thinks less of you.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 11:44 AM on January 25 [2 favorites]

I know your lizard brain won't believe this, but nobody noticed and nobody remembers. Learning to acknowledge that your lizard brain is thrashing away but it's not you and (most of the time) it's not true is an important part of learning to manage anxiety.
posted by praemunire at 12:37 PM on January 25 [4 favorites]

Since your question is for advice on how to manage these feelings: there are tons of great self-help workbooks on the Centre for Clinical Interventions website. They have ones on anxiety, self-esteem, and learning to tolerate distressing feelings.
posted by capricorn at 12:50 PM on January 25 [1 favorite]

My first ever public speaking was in front of 1,000 people. I was scared shitless. But, I had prepared and was confident in what I was about to say. I got through it. People said I talked too fast. I did. I just wanted it to end. Anyway, I think the best way going forward is to write down your remarks and read them next time. As for this time, I do not think anyone thinks less of you. Just keep doing your job as well as you have and no one will say anything or hold it against you in any way.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:53 PM on January 25 [2 favorites]

We literally have to say a couple of sentences. [...]
I ended up gabbling something, don't know if I made sense

I deal with this kind of situation, in which I know that I have to come up with a brief summary of a sprawling mass of information, by preparing in advance, in writing. This gives me the opportunity to identify the most important points, put them into a logical order, and choose the best words to express them clearly and without rambling. The written form can be a couple of bullet points or even a few complete sentences. Then I bring this to the meeting as a memory aid. It can be pre-written on the same notepad or notebook that I'm using to take notes during the meeting.
posted by heatherlogan at 2:54 PM on January 25

In addition to all the good advice others have given, consider asking your doctor for a propranolol script to have on hand for public speaking days. It prevents the adrenaline reaction that leads to a pounding heart and other physical symptoms of stage fright.
posted by nanny's striped stocking at 1:55 AM on January 26

I suffer from a similar level of anxiety (I’m a good presenter but I am inclined to get painfully caught up in whether people are upset with me, how they reacted to me, and how they’re talking about me - and convinced people dislike me).

I have come to understand that my body experiences anxiety (probably mostly as a result of childhood trauma!) and then my mind makes up fantastical stories about it and I am immediately convinced. So it helps me to work with the physical side of things, processing the feelings of stress and anxiety so my mind can become quieter. A few ways of doing that:

- take a walk if you’re able. Fast if possible. I find shaking my hands up and down or alternately snapping my fingers helpful as I do.
- deep intentional breaths for at least five minutes. You can Google techniques like box breathing.
- fill a sink with cold water and plunge your face in.
- one song dance party!
- If I’m stuck at work, I can go in the bathroom and shake my limbs for a bit, shrug my shoulders, do some boxing moves, whatever gets me moving

There are many others that may work for you - any exercise is helpful!

While you’re doing this, notice where your mind wanders into the story about what happened - things like “I know what he was thinking,” “this is just like what happened last year,” “if only I hadn’t” etc. When you notice you’re going down that path, you can just bring in an awareness of the emotion or the physical sensation - for example, “oh wow, that’s a story! Really I am feeling so panicked. It feels like a pressure in my chest. My face is really hot. I feel ashamed.” This is not one-and-done, but an ongoing process that can help dissolve some of the thornier thoughts that may be feeding your anxiety.

If any of that sounds interesting to you, I recommend exploring mindfulness/meditation - the Insight Timer app is a good place to start and has a lot of short meditations on anxiety.

Lots of love to you!
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 4:24 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

condolences on having such a rough day. feelings of shame/embarrassment are tough to shake off, and personally, i hate having to take that home with me at the end of the day.

i recommend kristin neff’s work on self-compassion, and i find writing a letter to myself after this kind of day is helpful. there are other exercises on the self-compassion site, but this one works best for me: write a letter to yourself in the voice of a kind friend offering comfort. all the lovely mefites here are giving you similarly kind words, but: 1) tough to post an askmefi every time this happens, and 2) we know our own hearts best, and can tune in to the specific kindnesses we most need to hear.

ymmv, but if i spend 10 minutes writing at the end of the day, it will allow me some peace and help me sleep (i.e., avoid staying up ruminating over my bad day). there are sometimes also things i want to journal about changing/developing/evolving, but this work is distinct from self improvement. self acceptance is actually more important. good luck :)
posted by tamarack at 7:35 AM on January 26 [1 favorite]

There are so many good suggestions above. I would add the suggestion to try visualization exercises. If you know what you need to say ahead of time, this can be pretty straightforward. In the several evenings or weeks prior to your performance date do multiple detailed mental run-throughs of a successful meeting.

Understood that EOY is a busy and stressful time, but that's all the more reason to carve out time for self-care.

Some ideas: Visualize the meeting from start to finish--visualize the calling to order of the meeting; visualize the setting, the sounds, smells, the time of day. Will you be drinking tea? What is the lighting like?? The feel or layout of the conference room? Visualize what you will be wearing; visualize your co-workers and boss at the meeting and the information that they will be contributing--visualize your performance in the context of all these other aspects of the meeting. Visualize how the meeting will conclude. Visualize yourself kicking ass in the moment, and visualizing yourself basking in the afterglow of making it through this meeting unscathed. Or the afterglow of a supremely skilled performance.

Google should provide access to better visualization exercises/aides than I've outlined here, but this is the general idea.

And--as an aside--isn't it so FABULOUS to know that compassionate people are still logging on to ask.metafilter and wanting to support a complete stranger--still, after all these years? This is suggestive of the likelihood that your coworkers rooting for you too.
posted by rub scupper cult at 7:57 PM on January 27 [1 favorite]