How do I learn not to care so much and relax
May 9, 2022 12:22 PM Subscribe
I have a LOT of anxiety around public speaking. And zoom makes it so much worse. I feel so vulnerable and - I don’t know how else to describe it - but l feel exposed (if this makes any sense). My issue is that I take a lot of random language and other evening classes for fun (ha!) but it just become a torturous process: I never speak unless I absolutely have to/I’m asked to speak. And if I do speak, I feel sick the rest of the day. I want to change. How do I learn to enjoy myself?
I hated doing presentations at school and university. I’d avoid all courses that had a presentation component. And if I absolutely had to do a presentation, I’d throw up before and then after the presentation, I’d feel absolutely awful, both physically and mentally.
Nothing’s changed. I’m older (I’m 30) and I’m still the same. I’m so tired of myself. Today I spoke a lot in my language class (mainly because I had to - it’s a conversation class) and I felt so panicky during class and afterwards I had to go for a long walk to calm down. Hours later I still have a stress headache. At this point, I just feel like I’m paying to be tortured twice a week.
I know this problem stems from a perfectionist issue. I need what I say to be perfect or else I don’t speak. And because this is the case, I never speak. I’m not stupid, I’ve attended some of the best universities in my country but I’ve just been so silent through it all.
How can I change? I’d do anything at this point to change so that I can actually just enjoy all the things I want to do.
I hated doing presentations at school and university. I’d avoid all courses that had a presentation component. And if I absolutely had to do a presentation, I’d throw up before and then after the presentation, I’d feel absolutely awful, both physically and mentally.
Nothing’s changed. I’m older (I’m 30) and I’m still the same. I’m so tired of myself. Today I spoke a lot in my language class (mainly because I had to - it’s a conversation class) and I felt so panicky during class and afterwards I had to go for a long walk to calm down. Hours later I still have a stress headache. At this point, I just feel like I’m paying to be tortured twice a week.
I know this problem stems from a perfectionist issue. I need what I say to be perfect or else I don’t speak. And because this is the case, I never speak. I’m not stupid, I’ve attended some of the best universities in my country but I’ve just been so silent through it all.
How can I change? I’d do anything at this point to change so that I can actually just enjoy all the things I want to do.
First, hugs for learning this about you and figuring out what it is! I also feel this perfectionism just about other things, so I empathize.
People think everyone is just naturally good at public speaking or they are not. Like all things, I am sure some people are naturally good, but it is a learned skill! You don't have to feel bad about not being perfect at a thing you were not taught and don't have a ton of practice at (tho your adrenal glands probably won't listen). And even people who do it a lot flub all the time (youtube has great compilations of professionals misspeaking and then living!). I don't say this to discount how you feel, just wanted you to hear objectively--it's not expected anyone will be a perfect speaker.
This is likely an answer you will not like, but the way to feel better about it is doing it. A LOT. Including times when it's not wildly successful. Doing it prepared, and doing it on the spot. With slides, without. A public speaking class (in person or zoom) or toastmasters might be a good option. It sounds like you're in school so there might be a class (you can take pass/fail or audit?) or speech team. Everyone in my HS was forced to take a public speaking class which was BRUTAL, but truly it's the class I think most helped me.
Some people also take beta blockers for anxiety before speaking. I have not used them but it really helped a friend.
You might also try some of these things and get a little bit more calm and still decide it's still not enjoyable. That's a pretty high bar! I enjoy public speaking but partially because of the nerves and adrenaline. I think most people have some nerves before speaking--so consider that all of it may never fully go away. Maybe set a smaller, more attainable goal that you can objectively measure like speaking in front of 20 strangers without hurling. I say this only because if the voice in your head is like mine, if you choose something like "do well at a talk in front of 20 people" the voice will never let you think that you did it well.
(credentials: paid speaker at conferences and events, have mentored others on speaking)
posted by jennybento at 1:21 PM on May 9, 2022 [5 favorites]
People think everyone is just naturally good at public speaking or they are not. Like all things, I am sure some people are naturally good, but it is a learned skill! You don't have to feel bad about not being perfect at a thing you were not taught and don't have a ton of practice at (tho your adrenal glands probably won't listen). And even people who do it a lot flub all the time (youtube has great compilations of professionals misspeaking and then living!). I don't say this to discount how you feel, just wanted you to hear objectively--it's not expected anyone will be a perfect speaker.
This is likely an answer you will not like, but the way to feel better about it is doing it. A LOT. Including times when it's not wildly successful. Doing it prepared, and doing it on the spot. With slides, without. A public speaking class (in person or zoom) or toastmasters might be a good option. It sounds like you're in school so there might be a class (you can take pass/fail or audit?) or speech team. Everyone in my HS was forced to take a public speaking class which was BRUTAL, but truly it's the class I think most helped me.
Some people also take beta blockers for anxiety before speaking. I have not used them but it really helped a friend.
You might also try some of these things and get a little bit more calm and still decide it's still not enjoyable. That's a pretty high bar! I enjoy public speaking but partially because of the nerves and adrenaline. I think most people have some nerves before speaking--so consider that all of it may never fully go away. Maybe set a smaller, more attainable goal that you can objectively measure like speaking in front of 20 strangers without hurling. I say this only because if the voice in your head is like mine, if you choose something like "do well at a talk in front of 20 people" the voice will never let you think that you did it well.
(credentials: paid speaker at conferences and events, have mentored others on speaking)
posted by jennybento at 1:21 PM on May 9, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I might be misunderstanding something, but it sounds like you have a sort "push / pull" relationship to this issue: you are both struck with great anxiety about speaking before others, yet also drawn to at least one type of activity (language class, maybe other classes) where this is intrinsic. I wonder if there was an experience with younger-you that instilled the fear, but for which you might have been someone who enjoyed / excelled at public speaking. Maybe a part of you is continuously drawn to it because you would actually be really good at it, but some residual emotional trauma from a bad incident (and the connection could be murky!) is creating this barrier. Just a very amateur armchair-therapist thought, but I thought I'd throw it out, just in case!
posted by taz at 1:32 PM on May 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by taz at 1:32 PM on May 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
Yikes this sounds super horrible! I think the taking a walk thing is a great idea for regulating yourself about this. I do think getting some professional help is advisable: your misery with this is much more severe than average. Calling around to therapists (or sounds like email would be much better for you!) I would suggest briefly outlining the issue and asking what specific types of strategies they would suggest exploring, to make sure this person has actionable ideas.
If meeting a therapist is too much, maybe starting with an anxiety workbook?
posted by latkes at 3:14 PM on May 9, 2022
If meeting a therapist is too much, maybe starting with an anxiety workbook?
posted by latkes at 3:14 PM on May 9, 2022
Say something! Tell the instructor.
posted by parmanparman at 3:19 PM on May 9, 2022
posted by parmanparman at 3:19 PM on May 9, 2022
Beta blockers can be *miraculous* - you do not have to suffer like this!
posted by lysimache at 4:52 PM on May 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by lysimache at 4:52 PM on May 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Taz - This is why I love metafilter. Your comment was so insightful. You’re right, I’ve never articulated it or made the connection but my issue does stem from experiences I had as a teenager. I moved countries and I was the only foreign kid in my class - my accent was always pointed out (it wasn’t always mean but more like hey look different accent!). Over time my accent changed and now the same thing happens in my home country where I’m constantly told that I sound foreign. At this point I don’t have a “proper” accent - it’s become a mix of the two accents and I don’t trust my voice and I prefer to remain silent. Possibly because I don’t want to be seen as foreign in either country. And you’re right, I’m drawn to activities where I have to speak because I think had I just had a neutral accent I would have spoken a LOT. I live in a super cosmopolitan city and no one cares about my accent/ how foreign anyone is but when I first moved to this country as a teenager it was to a really remote, insular region so that emotional trauma has stuck with me. Thank you so much, you’ve given me a lot to work with. Just writing all this out has made me feel so much better.
posted by bigyellowtaxi at 12:16 AM on May 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by bigyellowtaxi at 12:16 AM on May 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
I don't know how helpful this is, but when I've got a formal presentation to give, I approach it by A) Practicing it many times and then B) When I actually give the presentation, I try to get in a mindset of being excited to talk about the subject. I find that if I can focus on being engaged in the subject, it takes some of the focus away from the anxiety. That doesn't mean my palms don't get sweaty or my face doesn't turn red from nervousness sometimes (I have one of those complexions where it's kind of impossible to hide being nervous because I blush, sigh); but it helps keep things in perspective.
I also sometimes think about a YouTube video that all the students in my graduate program shared around at one point of our over-confident and kind of snobbish professor giving a formal presentation at a conference with political leaders present where he kind of stumbled over himself and was obviously nervous. Just serves as a reminder of the fact that everyone has these nervous feelings. I think public speaking is one of the most common fears that people have...
In terms of more day to day interactions in classes, I tend to speak up a fair bit - though this was definitely not always the case; I was very shy in high school for instance and some days I just don't feel chatty or engaged. Half the time I wonder afterwards if I said something dumb and wish I had more of a filter - but I try to be actively kind to myself when I have that kind of thought and literally tell myself that it is okay and I'm fine/a smart person. It takes practice and time but I think you can definitely progress if you try to cut yourself some slack for not being perfect.
posted by knownfossils at 10:16 PM on May 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
I also sometimes think about a YouTube video that all the students in my graduate program shared around at one point of our over-confident and kind of snobbish professor giving a formal presentation at a conference with political leaders present where he kind of stumbled over himself and was obviously nervous. Just serves as a reminder of the fact that everyone has these nervous feelings. I think public speaking is one of the most common fears that people have...
In terms of more day to day interactions in classes, I tend to speak up a fair bit - though this was definitely not always the case; I was very shy in high school for instance and some days I just don't feel chatty or engaged. Half the time I wonder afterwards if I said something dumb and wish I had more of a filter - but I try to be actively kind to myself when I have that kind of thought and literally tell myself that it is okay and I'm fine/a smart person. It takes practice and time but I think you can definitely progress if you try to cut yourself some slack for not being perfect.
posted by knownfossils at 10:16 PM on May 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
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