Why am I so angry?
December 24, 2023 10:34 PM Subscribe
What is a normal amount of rage, and what is an I-need-to-go-to-anger-management-therapy amount of rage?
It seems these days I'm always a hair trigger away from imploding from anger. Someone sends me a Slack message that reads kind of rude? My heart rate goes through the roof and I'm sitting there seething for the next half an hour. My junior at work makes a mistake due to inexperience/carelessness? I go on an internal diatribe about how they're stupid and dumb and deserve to lose their job.
I'm in a busy nightclub and some guy apparently violated my friend's boundaries? I could not stop the rage, which almost resulted in a physical altercation with that man because I was egging him on ("You want to hit me? Fucking hit me if you're such a man, come at me, I'm not fucking scared of you!"). I'm a small woman. My friends had to physically pull me away and out of the space because I could not stop antagonising the guy. But the whole thing still ended up with police on the scene because I had unknowingly caused another random guy to become annoyed at the original guy since he was screaming at me in the street, and they got into a street brawl where one of them had to go to the hospital for stitches.
I am very embarrassed, by the way, because I am a well-educated, well-read, and soft-spoken person. I am usually conflict-avoidant. I do not ever confront people. If someone cuts me in line at the grocery store I never say anything. So I really don't know what is wrong with me.
I get so overstimulated in public and easily triggered by strangers that it's awful for me to go outside and do anything normally. I basically hate everyone in public. I have ear plugs coming in the mail - I think part of it is the loudness of public spaces that makes me teeter on edge, but the ongoing rage at inconsiderate, selfish assholes in public that randomly apparates and dissipates just as quickly is worrisome.
I know this whole post makes me sound unhinged, but I can promise that I am a deeply compassionate person. I volunteer at animal shelters and know all the homeless people in town because I buy them things they need often. I'm a good person who is protective of her friends (demonstrably).
In case it matters, I was diagnosed with dysthymia at 13, BPD at 16, and then ADHD at 20. Two years ago I was told that I no no longer meet the criteria for BPD. And even when I was actively in the throes of BPD, I was never this wrathful. So why am I now so angry?
It seems these days I'm always a hair trigger away from imploding from anger. Someone sends me a Slack message that reads kind of rude? My heart rate goes through the roof and I'm sitting there seething for the next half an hour. My junior at work makes a mistake due to inexperience/carelessness? I go on an internal diatribe about how they're stupid and dumb and deserve to lose their job.
I'm in a busy nightclub and some guy apparently violated my friend's boundaries? I could not stop the rage, which almost resulted in a physical altercation with that man because I was egging him on ("You want to hit me? Fucking hit me if you're such a man, come at me, I'm not fucking scared of you!"). I'm a small woman. My friends had to physically pull me away and out of the space because I could not stop antagonising the guy. But the whole thing still ended up with police on the scene because I had unknowingly caused another random guy to become annoyed at the original guy since he was screaming at me in the street, and they got into a street brawl where one of them had to go to the hospital for stitches.
I am very embarrassed, by the way, because I am a well-educated, well-read, and soft-spoken person. I am usually conflict-avoidant. I do not ever confront people. If someone cuts me in line at the grocery store I never say anything. So I really don't know what is wrong with me.
I get so overstimulated in public and easily triggered by strangers that it's awful for me to go outside and do anything normally. I basically hate everyone in public. I have ear plugs coming in the mail - I think part of it is the loudness of public spaces that makes me teeter on edge, but the ongoing rage at inconsiderate, selfish assholes in public that randomly apparates and dissipates just as quickly is worrisome.
I know this whole post makes me sound unhinged, but I can promise that I am a deeply compassionate person. I volunteer at animal shelters and know all the homeless people in town because I buy them things they need often. I'm a good person who is protective of her friends (demonstrably).
In case it matters, I was diagnosed with dysthymia at 13, BPD at 16, and then ADHD at 20. Two years ago I was told that I no no longer meet the criteria for BPD. And even when I was actively in the throes of BPD, I was never this wrathful. So why am I now so angry?
I had flares of anger like this in my early 30s. I had recently been divorced, was working as a contractor in a high pressure job, and my stress levels were through the roof. This culminated in me kicking in the door panel of a car that cut through a stream of pedestrians crossing the road (righteous of me I thought) and being knocked to the ground by a punch in the face from the outraged driver. Although the anger and the stress were clearly connected in blindingly obvious hindsight, I didn't see this until I found different employment and a stable living situation and sorted my shit out. And I have acquired various practices that encourage me to ignore or explain other people's behaviour and not react to it aggressively. Although I have not been diagnosed, I do meet the criteria for an adult ADHD diagnosis, and that in itself can make life highly stressful as we struggle with other people's (and our own) expectations for us and their idiot disruption of our precarious grasp on order.
I do not think that inviting violence from strangers is a normal amount of anger. Or rather, it is not a good way to deal with or use that powerful emotion. It endangers you and other people. You do need help, and maybe for you it isn't such easily identifiable stressors, but someone else can assist you making sense of what is going on, and acquire the tools to deal with the feelings.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 10:56 PM on December 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
I do not think that inviting violence from strangers is a normal amount of anger. Or rather, it is not a good way to deal with or use that powerful emotion. It endangers you and other people. You do need help, and maybe for you it isn't such easily identifiable stressors, but someone else can assist you making sense of what is going on, and acquire the tools to deal with the feelings.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 10:56 PM on December 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
Every time I'm this angry at small things, it's hiding a deeper anger (or grief, sadness, or other type of pain etc) about something much bigger (usually totally unrelated) and until the big thing is resolved, I carry the rage with me all the time and channel it at the wrong targets.
I've also been diagnosed bpd, and regulating emotions is a big challenge. Being overstimulated in public (for me this presents as being impatient and agitated) is a version of nervous system disregulation.
posted by cboggs at 11:07 PM on December 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
I've also been diagnosed bpd, and regulating emotions is a big challenge. Being overstimulated in public (for me this presents as being impatient and agitated) is a version of nervous system disregulation.
posted by cboggs at 11:07 PM on December 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
Anger like that is exactly what sent me on my most recent journey of trying to understand and love myself more. The entire world is a hair trigger when you're feeling threatened enough. So I had to do a bunch of sitting still to figure out, what's so terrifying? What am I afraid of? Why does this minor stimulus make me suddenly want to throw things and scream? Why does forgiveness and compassion feel like an unimaginably heavy lift?
And just like with a physical trigger point there was indeed some stuff I had to sit with and massage a bit and loosen enough to get my full range of, uh, emotional motion back. I bet you've got some too. It's worth doing the work.
posted by Lady Li at 11:49 PM on December 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
And just like with a physical trigger point there was indeed some stuff I had to sit with and massage a bit and loosen enough to get my full range of, uh, emotional motion back. I bet you've got some too. It's worth doing the work.
posted by Lady Li at 11:49 PM on December 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
I'd go to a GP first to rule out hormonal causes. Testosterone, thyroid, menopause....
posted by jouke at 12:46 AM on December 25, 2023 [25 favorites]
posted by jouke at 12:46 AM on December 25, 2023 [25 favorites]
For me, anger is a warning sign that I feel very disrespected, unfulfilled, or uncared for in my life, or if I feel scared about something that I haven't resolved. It's a sign I have to change something. Anger could be you protecting yourself from something that you are afraid of or that is bothering you.
You should see a doctor for any physical or hormonal cause-- worth knowing how everything is doing anyway-- but I would want to speak to a therapist to see if I could get to the root of the issue.
posted by blnkfrnk at 12:54 AM on December 25, 2023 [15 favorites]
You should see a doctor for any physical or hormonal cause-- worth knowing how everything is doing anyway-- but I would want to speak to a therapist to see if I could get to the root of the issue.
posted by blnkfrnk at 12:54 AM on December 25, 2023 [15 favorites]
I know this whole post makes me sound unhinged
It does. You have pointless anger fits. Your friends had to physically intervene to get you to stop raging at a stranger and it still ended up with police showing up and a bystander in the hospital. You "basically hate everyone in public." If this was a relationship post and you had described your partner like this, everyone would be telling you about scary red flags and dtmfa.
You should go have someone look at your current state, look at your history, and figure out whether and why you're unbalanced and whether you need some medication.
posted by pracowity at 5:05 AM on December 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
It does. You have pointless anger fits. Your friends had to physically intervene to get you to stop raging at a stranger and it still ended up with police showing up and a bystander in the hospital. You "basically hate everyone in public." If this was a relationship post and you had described your partner like this, everyone would be telling you about scary red flags and dtmfa.
You should go have someone look at your current state, look at your history, and figure out whether and why you're unbalanced and whether you need some medication.
posted by pracowity at 5:05 AM on December 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
You could real quick, while considering what kind of professional help to seek, pick up a copy of Anger Management for Dummies and give it a read. It's not very long. It helped me a lot. I wasn't quite at starting fights with people in clubs but I was at unhinged shouting in the street. Also your idea about earplugs is great. Less uncontrollable stimulation = more self-control.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:06 AM on December 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:06 AM on December 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
I once took St John's Wort for a few weeks thinking it might help with depression, and instead the beginnings of this was what I got. I have never ever been angry/rageful like that before or since but during it was absolutely real. Whatever the cause here, I vote "not normal" both in general and, it sounds like, for you.
posted by teremala at 6:15 AM on December 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by teremala at 6:15 AM on December 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
This is exactly how I used to feel. I'm a compassionate person who volunteers at animal shelters and buys things for homeless people, so why am I always flipping out at bad drivers and inconsiderate strangers?
Turns out it was almost entirely sensory. Loud noises, bright fluorescent/LED lights, uncomfortable clothes, and a few other things trigger my fight or flight system. The rest was from growing up that way. When you experience a sensation as painful and are told your whole life that you're being dramatic, making it up for attention, need to ignore it, get over it, etc, that'll cause some rage issues.
It took a while to really tap into my interoception and discover what bothered me, because I had grown up without the option to avoid these things. My internal monologue went something like "Hm, I don't mind loud noises. But I'm uncomfortable all the time, and I have no idea why!" The book Unmasking Autism helped a lot. I'm not saying you're necessarily autistic, but sensory sensitivities are common in autism and the book is all about learning how to respect and build a life around them.
Now, I'm very strict about respecting my sensory limits. This means I do a lot less than I would otherwise and it can be a real pain in the ass, but I'm not pissed off all the time anymore. Psychedelics helped a lot with the stuff that remained from growing up that way.
Also, I agree with what teremala said - the weirdest things can cause rage for me. Biotin vitamin supplements did once, so did ashwagandha.
posted by wheatlets at 6:39 AM on December 25, 2023 [12 favorites]
Turns out it was almost entirely sensory. Loud noises, bright fluorescent/LED lights, uncomfortable clothes, and a few other things trigger my fight or flight system. The rest was from growing up that way. When you experience a sensation as painful and are told your whole life that you're being dramatic, making it up for attention, need to ignore it, get over it, etc, that'll cause some rage issues.
It took a while to really tap into my interoception and discover what bothered me, because I had grown up without the option to avoid these things. My internal monologue went something like "Hm, I don't mind loud noises. But I'm uncomfortable all the time, and I have no idea why!" The book Unmasking Autism helped a lot. I'm not saying you're necessarily autistic, but sensory sensitivities are common in autism and the book is all about learning how to respect and build a life around them.
Now, I'm very strict about respecting my sensory limits. This means I do a lot less than I would otherwise and it can be a real pain in the ass, but I'm not pissed off all the time anymore. Psychedelics helped a lot with the stuff that remained from growing up that way.
Also, I agree with what teremala said - the weirdest things can cause rage for me. Biotin vitamin supplements did once, so did ashwagandha.
posted by wheatlets at 6:39 AM on December 25, 2023 [12 favorites]
Just adding to the general "this is time to involve professionals" sentiment. It could be something that talk therapy could help with or it could be something chemical. As teremala mentioned, St. John's Wort will do this (definitely, although I'm not sure if only, in people with bipolar disorder) and me, I get it from Xanax. And prednisone, for that matter. Rage can very much be chemical.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:38 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by restless_nomad at 7:38 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
The DSM (the big book of potential mental issues used by psychologists) states up front that all of the possible diagnoses only rise to the level of treatment if they are an ongoing negative in the client's life.
That's my bellwether. Is this an ongoing negative in your life? Then seek treatment.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:38 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
That's my bellwether. Is this an ongoing negative in your life? Then seek treatment.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:38 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Someone on AskMeFi recommended a book called The Cow in the Parking Lot which might help you. But definitely seek professional help as well.
posted by music for skeletons at 7:41 AM on December 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by music for skeletons at 7:41 AM on December 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
You’re experiencing intensity of anger. Do you experience intensity of happiness, fun, other feelings? Rage can be associated with depression. In any case, you have an inability to manage your behavior, and anger management or other behavior therapy/ training is absolutely in order.
posted by theora55 at 7:49 AM on December 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 7:49 AM on December 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
What's unhinged is the idea that a plains ape that lived for 200,000 years in small isolated groups should suddenly have evolved to be comfortable constantly surrounded by strangers and assaulted by the chaos of modern life.
By that logic, it's equally unhinged that pet dogs aren't tearing our throats out while we sleep. This level of rage just isn't one of those things where it's worth saying the world is what's wrong, not me.
posted by nobody at 7:52 AM on December 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
By that logic, it's equally unhinged that pet dogs aren't tearing our throats out while we sleep. This level of rage just isn't one of those things where it's worth saying the world is what's wrong, not me.
posted by nobody at 7:52 AM on December 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
I had a milder version of this come on with menopause. Nthing "get your hormones checked".
posted by bluesky78987 at 8:06 AM on December 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by bluesky78987 at 8:06 AM on December 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
I generally make the distinction that anger is a normal emotion that everyone has sometimes that can be useful. Anger at oppression or mistreatment can help us make positive changes in our lives or the world at large. What you're describing is what I'd call rage, the destructive reactive urge to fight and tear things down and hurt others. And I agree with everyone that it sounds like there's a lot of anxiety underneath it for you.
Your friends are dragging you out of places. The police have been involved. It's interfering with your ability to work and go out in public. Whatever is happening is significant enough that you deserve getting help.
posted by lapis at 8:15 AM on December 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
Your friends are dragging you out of places. The police have been involved. It's interfering with your ability to work and go out in public. Whatever is happening is significant enough that you deserve getting help.
posted by lapis at 8:15 AM on December 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
For me when it happens a lot of it is accumulated stress and a sense of powerlessness about other things. And sometimes not having models for better ways to react to things.
But also, when I was on a certain form of birth control I noticed a lot more of this kind of sharp intense rage, and it was one of the reasons I went off it.
posted by trig at 8:56 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
But also, when I was on a certain form of birth control I noticed a lot more of this kind of sharp intense rage, and it was one of the reasons I went off it.
posted by trig at 8:56 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm a good person who is protective of her friends (demonstrably).
I do want to suggest gently that the idea of a good person might not be a very useful one, or an accurate one, in general. As far as effect on the world, most people are a collection of good actions and bad actions (and a lot in between). And the good ones don't necessarily make up for the bad ones.
Maybe "good" and "bad" don't always make sense for actions either - the effect of so many things is ambiguous. And a harmful or potentially harmful action can be done for so many reasons besides bad intent.
So just in case this wording wasn't just a slip and you do have a tendency to see the world in terms of good and bad people, that is also something that can feed anger (because surely bad people, and the very fact of their existence, justify a righteous angry response...) and might be worth working on.
posted by trig at 9:11 AM on December 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
I do want to suggest gently that the idea of a good person might not be a very useful one, or an accurate one, in general. As far as effect on the world, most people are a collection of good actions and bad actions (and a lot in between). And the good ones don't necessarily make up for the bad ones.
Maybe "good" and "bad" don't always make sense for actions either - the effect of so many things is ambiguous. And a harmful or potentially harmful action can be done for so many reasons besides bad intent.
So just in case this wording wasn't just a slip and you do have a tendency to see the world in terms of good and bad people, that is also something that can feed anger (because surely bad people, and the very fact of their existence, justify a righteous angry response...) and might be worth working on.
posted by trig at 9:11 AM on December 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
You’re a good person and you’re trying to be good in this world. That part of you isn’t broken. But you have a level of rage that is affecting your life and has involved others. That’s the part that needs help. You should definitely consider therapy - therapists have seen this kind of thing before, many times. When you say “this makes me sound unhinged” you’re reading the post as you would if someone else had written it, and that’s a strong indication you know something is wrong. Make an appointment to talk to someone who can be that other person reading and listening to what you have to say. Being angry is exhausting. You deserve to not feel like that.
posted by azpenguin at 9:15 AM on December 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by azpenguin at 9:15 AM on December 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
If an 80 year old Patrick Stewart can still be seeking continued therapy for his anger issues, so can you. You deserve it.
posted by deludingmyself at 9:20 AM on December 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by deludingmyself at 9:20 AM on December 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
Since this is new (right?) and you're female, nthing perimenopause as a cause. This kind of visceral, difficult to control rage is a symptom that I've experienced, and my doctor told me is common for perimenopause.
Also, sending you all the kind, compassionate vibes, this kind of thing is tough to deal with and feel like crap. ❤️
posted by Zumbador at 9:37 AM on December 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
Also, sending you all the kind, compassionate vibes, this kind of thing is tough to deal with and feel like crap. ❤️
posted by Zumbador at 9:37 AM on December 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
It sounds like you are already quite self aware, so I encourage you to keep at it.
Make an inventory of all the triggers situations that lead to this uncontrolled anger. See if you can spot patterns, and look for ways to reduce your exposure to some of these situations, or at least prepare yourself before they come up again. Nthing what others have said too. Investigate some books and therapy.
posted by KMH at 10:41 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Make an inventory of all the triggers situations that lead to this uncontrolled anger. See if you can spot patterns, and look for ways to reduce your exposure to some of these situations, or at least prepare yourself before they come up again. Nthing what others have said too. Investigate some books and therapy.
posted by KMH at 10:41 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
This sounds like a seek-professional-help situation, especially since it's already caused concrete danger to you and others. A good physical exam can help rule out any underlying issues related to hormones, medicines, caffeine, alcohol, etc, and a therapist can help you address what might be going on psychologically that you might be suppressing.
I went through a period of similar rage eruptions when I was in my mid-thirties, and what helped for me was accepting that despite all my good qualities, and my gentle self-image, I really was an angry person and was just going to stay that way until I wasn't one anymore, whenever that was. Framing it that way allowed me to recognize that it was okay to be angry but not okay to express it by flinging doors in rude people's faces at the shopping mall (purely random example of course). I worked on disconnecting the feeling from my actions and responses. Oddly enough, within weeks of coming to terms with how much rage I had been carrying (over largely unconnected things) the anger dissipated.
posted by rpfields at 11:57 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I went through a period of similar rage eruptions when I was in my mid-thirties, and what helped for me was accepting that despite all my good qualities, and my gentle self-image, I really was an angry person and was just going to stay that way until I wasn't one anymore, whenever that was. Framing it that way allowed me to recognize that it was okay to be angry but not okay to express it by flinging doors in rude people's faces at the shopping mall (purely random example of course). I worked on disconnecting the feeling from my actions and responses. Oddly enough, within weeks of coming to terms with how much rage I had been carrying (over largely unconnected things) the anger dissipated.
posted by rpfields at 11:57 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
It's clearly causing you a problem. That is a threshold for when it is a problem. Seek treatment. It could be a physical health issue, or something for which talk therapy is the best solution. You can overcome this, one way or another.
posted by plonkee at 12:08 PM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by plonkee at 12:08 PM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Anger is unexpressed suffering.
This idea flows nicely with rage being a symptom of stress, and also rage being a symptom of sensory overload (which is also stress, essentially).
Find a system for getting more in touch with your day to day stress levels and work on mitigating situations that cause you to suffer. And where you can’t fix things, look for safe ways to vent those frustrations—a friend who will bend an ear, physical activity that gets your heart rate up.
posted by itesser at 2:36 PM on December 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
This idea flows nicely with rage being a symptom of stress, and also rage being a symptom of sensory overload (which is also stress, essentially).
Find a system for getting more in touch with your day to day stress levels and work on mitigating situations that cause you to suffer. And where you can’t fix things, look for safe ways to vent those frustrations—a friend who will bend an ear, physical activity that gets your heart rate up.
posted by itesser at 2:36 PM on December 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
I just started seeing someone, and much of the why was because I was feeling way too much daily anger. She reminded me that anger isn't the primary emotion--the trigger could be fear, sadness, guilt, shame, depression, or powerlessness.
Carrying any or all of it is a heavy load. Be good to yourself.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:43 PM on December 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
Carrying any or all of it is a heavy load. Be good to yourself.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:43 PM on December 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
Did you recently change any medication? I had a burst of RAGE when I came off my Effexor (after a very slow weaning off process) and had to basically restart the final wean-off week with another drug in tow to chill out.
posted by creatrixtiara at 7:30 PM on December 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by creatrixtiara at 7:30 PM on December 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
I can't answer the question about why you are angry, and I definitely agree with other posters that there could be many reasons and that you should seek professional help to explore your feelings of rage, but you probably know that already. Along the lines of "is this normal?", I had a similar experience of rage in my late 20's. Like you, I (a shy, caring, conflict-avoidant female) felt angry all the time, and I became aware of increasingly frequent rageful ideations and started to become fearful of my capacity to act on them. Ultimately I realised that it was connected to feeling trapped and frustrated with my life and decided to use it as a catalyst to make significant changes. I could go on filled with rage (untenable), or I could do something to shift the dynamic. It helped me find the courage to make massive changes by leaving my job and my friends and moving to a new city and investing my life savings in getting a new degree and finding a more fulfilling career. Once I felt like I was in the driver's seat, I stopped feeling all that anger. The life changes weren't easy, but looking back, the feelings of anger were really telling me something important about myself.
posted by amusebuche at 8:21 PM on December 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by amusebuche at 8:21 PM on December 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
Just in case, are you getting enough sleep? Like really getting enough sleep, not "sure, I get a regular 5 hours every single night" enough? Insufficient sleep is a very common cause of all kinds of reactive behavior and can exacerbate other mental disorders.
posted by wierdo at 9:55 PM on December 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by wierdo at 9:55 PM on December 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
I was in treatment with an amazing therapist recently to address some challenges I was experiencing that stemmed from my world being upended in 2020 (you remember that year, right?). After 18 months+ of work, the Tx and I had a plan for wrapping up, having met our goals and resolved specific concerns. We had only a few sessions ahead of us before we were planned to terminate, and that’s when I had a couple experiences of flying into a rage.
I shared these experiences with the Tx. In one instance, OK, it wasn’t totally rage, but it would have been if I didn’t absolutely need to suppress it, so I instead had a massive crying meltdown at work and then lost my voice for more than a week because I spent my commute home screaming in my car, “Fuck you! Die!” over and over to, vaguely, everybody. This happened right around the same time I was working outdoors and someone refused to leash their dog near me or at least move away from me (side note: this person also was not picking up after their dog, which doesn’t make me mad per se but speaks to their awfulness as a human, ha). Anyway, I tore into the dog owner, screaming about entitlement and how they are garbage, they’re trash, they’re a shit human. I abandoned the work I was doing and walked away from the scene screaming for all to hear about what a trash human the dog owner is.
NB: I don’t agree with the idea that anyone is trash. I definitely don’t think I need or want to call someone trash. Screaming repeatedly that someone is shit is not the vibe I want to rock. Losing my voice was a painful reminder that I’d had a terribly dark night, a bad time, and I was too-easily out of control.
My Tx seemed a bit shocked by my rageful episodes. I remember them saying, “I don’t want to normalize your behavior,” and they asked how it had made me feel which, on top of shame, also honestly felt kind of righteous and awesome. How many entitled people in my life had I NOT raged at, had I not even batted an eyelash? (And btw, I’ve seen the dog owner again and they’ve always had their dog leashed since that incident. It feels like a win but it feels dirty.)
Anyway, all this to say: *maybe* your rage is a short term passing thing. Not cool, but not permanent, not even really enduring long at all. Maybe meds would help, but also, maybe you don’t need meds and you need(ed) a release valve. By posting your question, you’ve already shifted your internal world a bit; maybe you’re already healing.
I’m not even a make-believe, amateur, armchair therapist, OK. But I wanted to offer you empathy and compassion. I’m not normalizing rage, but, idk. You’re in good company and I hope you reach the light at the end of the tunnel—
My Tx and I wrapped up as planned and the week and a half, or whatever, that my blood was boiling was evidently a one-off type of emotional time. I can’t explain it. I don’t think my rage magically disappeared, but I leaned on friends who let me vent, and I was mindful of my eating, sleeping, and exercise practices. I showed myself love and I stood up for injustices along the way without sacrificing my sanity for it. I was through it, basically, by the time I realized how shameful and HARD it was, and how badly a change was needed. Change met me there.
I wish you good luck and love!
posted by shocks connery at 5:50 AM on December 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
I shared these experiences with the Tx. In one instance, OK, it wasn’t totally rage, but it would have been if I didn’t absolutely need to suppress it, so I instead had a massive crying meltdown at work and then lost my voice for more than a week because I spent my commute home screaming in my car, “Fuck you! Die!” over and over to, vaguely, everybody. This happened right around the same time I was working outdoors and someone refused to leash their dog near me or at least move away from me (side note: this person also was not picking up after their dog, which doesn’t make me mad per se but speaks to their awfulness as a human, ha). Anyway, I tore into the dog owner, screaming about entitlement and how they are garbage, they’re trash, they’re a shit human. I abandoned the work I was doing and walked away from the scene screaming for all to hear about what a trash human the dog owner is.
NB: I don’t agree with the idea that anyone is trash. I definitely don’t think I need or want to call someone trash. Screaming repeatedly that someone is shit is not the vibe I want to rock. Losing my voice was a painful reminder that I’d had a terribly dark night, a bad time, and I was too-easily out of control.
My Tx seemed a bit shocked by my rageful episodes. I remember them saying, “I don’t want to normalize your behavior,” and they asked how it had made me feel which, on top of shame, also honestly felt kind of righteous and awesome. How many entitled people in my life had I NOT raged at, had I not even batted an eyelash? (And btw, I’ve seen the dog owner again and they’ve always had their dog leashed since that incident. It feels like a win but it feels dirty.)
Anyway, all this to say: *maybe* your rage is a short term passing thing. Not cool, but not permanent, not even really enduring long at all. Maybe meds would help, but also, maybe you don’t need meds and you need(ed) a release valve. By posting your question, you’ve already shifted your internal world a bit; maybe you’re already healing.
I’m not even a make-believe, amateur, armchair therapist, OK. But I wanted to offer you empathy and compassion. I’m not normalizing rage, but, idk. You’re in good company and I hope you reach the light at the end of the tunnel—
My Tx and I wrapped up as planned and the week and a half, or whatever, that my blood was boiling was evidently a one-off type of emotional time. I can’t explain it. I don’t think my rage magically disappeared, but I leaned on friends who let me vent, and I was mindful of my eating, sleeping, and exercise practices. I showed myself love and I stood up for injustices along the way without sacrificing my sanity for it. I was through it, basically, by the time I realized how shameful and HARD it was, and how badly a change was needed. Change met me there.
I wish you good luck and love!
posted by shocks connery at 5:50 AM on December 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
Do you suffer from hypoglycaemia/low blood sugar?
Because if your blood sugar is low enough, that can cause rage.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:09 AM on December 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
Because if your blood sugar is low enough, that can cause rage.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:09 AM on December 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
I get so overstimulated in public and easily triggered by strangers that it's awful for me to go outside and do anything normally. I basically hate everyone in public. I have ear plugs coming in the mail - I think part of it is the loudness of public spaces that makes me teeter on edge, but the ongoing rage at inconsiderate,
selfish assholes in public that randomly apparates and dissipates just as quickly is worrisome.
In a similar-ish boat, if that's at all helpful. Diagnosed with ADHD when younger, then later with chronic migraines. The threshold for noise and crowds to be overstimulating is very, very low. When I would complain about it people thought it was odd, because "it isn't that loud" or "there aren't that many people here."
The earplugs help a ton. Even if it's not the type of noise to trigger a migraine. It still helps to prevent being overstimulated in public in the exact way you describe. People are much more tolerable with them. Even assholes. Absolute game-changer for me.
It was worth it to go through a few different types because they aren't all the same. The noise-reduction-rating was important as was finding a material that I could wear for longer periods of time. Polyurethane foam vs silicone is preference. I found with 32db nrr I could still hear people, even with tinnitus. The sleeping-plugs up to 40db may be too much if you still want to talk to people.
I keep a clean pair in a small plastic container with my keys and buy them by the 50-pack on Amazon. Regardless of where I am, if the noise starts to be a problem (or even looks like it's going to start to be a problem) the ear plugs go in. They start to get disgusting in short order, and I hate buying disposable things but I also cannot overstate the quality of life improvement.
(Also something I found helpful was someone telling me how you position them has a massive impact on their efficacy. Foam plugs should be squished/rolled into as tiny a cylinder as you can manage over 1-2 seconds. You should feel your thumb push the bottom about halfway past the outside tip of the nub of your ear (tragus) while you gently pull on the top of your ear (helix) with your other hand. Keep your thumb in place for 2-3 seconds while it starts expanding. Once it finishes expanding back to normal size you'll have plenty to pull on in order to remove it. Silicone plugs may be different; I don't ever recall finding a pair I liked.)
Sorry for the novel-size post or if this is too much. I Have Opinions about ear plugs because they're about the only way I can be functional in some fairly normal social circumstances.
What wheatlets said has also helped me a lot: "Now, I'm very strict about respecting my sensory limits. This means I do a lot less than I would otherwise and it can be a real pain in the ass, but I'm not pissed off all the time anymore."
posted by howbigisthistextfield at 12:43 PM on December 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
selfish assholes in public that randomly apparates and dissipates just as quickly is worrisome.
In a similar-ish boat, if that's at all helpful. Diagnosed with ADHD when younger, then later with chronic migraines. The threshold for noise and crowds to be overstimulating is very, very low. When I would complain about it people thought it was odd, because "it isn't that loud" or "there aren't that many people here."
The earplugs help a ton. Even if it's not the type of noise to trigger a migraine. It still helps to prevent being overstimulated in public in the exact way you describe. People are much more tolerable with them. Even assholes. Absolute game-changer for me.
It was worth it to go through a few different types because they aren't all the same. The noise-reduction-rating was important as was finding a material that I could wear for longer periods of time. Polyurethane foam vs silicone is preference. I found with 32db nrr I could still hear people, even with tinnitus. The sleeping-plugs up to 40db may be too much if you still want to talk to people.
I keep a clean pair in a small plastic container with my keys and buy them by the 50-pack on Amazon. Regardless of where I am, if the noise starts to be a problem (or even looks like it's going to start to be a problem) the ear plugs go in. They start to get disgusting in short order, and I hate buying disposable things but I also cannot overstate the quality of life improvement.
(Also something I found helpful was someone telling me how you position them has a massive impact on their efficacy. Foam plugs should be squished/rolled into as tiny a cylinder as you can manage over 1-2 seconds. You should feel your thumb push the bottom about halfway past the outside tip of the nub of your ear (tragus) while you gently pull on the top of your ear (helix) with your other hand. Keep your thumb in place for 2-3 seconds while it starts expanding. Once it finishes expanding back to normal size you'll have plenty to pull on in order to remove it. Silicone plugs may be different; I don't ever recall finding a pair I liked.)
Sorry for the novel-size post or if this is too much. I Have Opinions about ear plugs because they're about the only way I can be functional in some fairly normal social circumstances.
What wheatlets said has also helped me a lot: "Now, I'm very strict about respecting my sensory limits. This means I do a lot less than I would otherwise and it can be a real pain in the ass, but I'm not pissed off all the time anymore."
posted by howbigisthistextfield at 12:43 PM on December 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
nthing that this could be a symptom of some sort of physical issue/needs like hormones or sleep. I'm pregnant and have had periods during this pregnancy (presumably hormonally-driven) where I am suddenly a much angrier and more irritable person. It's unsettling, to say the least.
posted by mosst at 1:00 PM on December 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by mosst at 1:00 PM on December 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
I was going to mention ADHD. The relationship with ADHD and emotions is complicated, but one potential component is that anger is a source of dopamine and stimulation. Same with anxiety, and excitement. They can be neurological habits, as anger is rewarding in dopamine terms. It can also become, subconsciously, a habit for getting a dopamine boost in certain situations.
Like a sure fire way to get me irritated is talking to me while I'm trying to get ready - it's possible to interpret this as a habit my brain has formed to get more dopamine to make it easier to do things. If you include processing sensory stimulation as doing something, then anger in those circumstances might have a similar function. If this is part of the picture, perhaps the anger is a coping mechanism for lack of the dopamine you need to handle being out in public. So I would target ways of making it less cognitively intensive to do those things - ear plugs are a great suggestion.
Second tip, alternative dopamine sources. If you're not medicated for ADHD, look into it. If you are, check in with your doctor about how that's going. Some people find music helpful, I'm pretty much constantly walking around with noise cancelling headphones and podcasts.
Third tip, work on interoception - noticing your emotional and bodily feelings and needs more, so you can identify when you need rest times before getting overstimulated.
Last tip, investigate other things that might be sapping your energy. Perhaps you used to have more energy and didn't have the same issue with processing sensory info, so you didn't use anger as a coping tool. So if this has changed, there might be other things that have negatively affected the cognitive resources you have available - other medical causes of fatigue, other lifestyle factors like stress at work.
There are other reasons that anger could be an issue besides this dopamine/stimulation one, but many ADHD people I've mentioned this too have found it illuminating and found it helpful to view the anger as a coping mechanism to be replaced rather than something to try to push away. And as a sign that there's a problem to cope with, so you can maybe focus on the problem instead of the coping mechanism.
posted by lookoutbelow at 9:55 PM on December 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
Like a sure fire way to get me irritated is talking to me while I'm trying to get ready - it's possible to interpret this as a habit my brain has formed to get more dopamine to make it easier to do things. If you include processing sensory stimulation as doing something, then anger in those circumstances might have a similar function. If this is part of the picture, perhaps the anger is a coping mechanism for lack of the dopamine you need to handle being out in public. So I would target ways of making it less cognitively intensive to do those things - ear plugs are a great suggestion.
Second tip, alternative dopamine sources. If you're not medicated for ADHD, look into it. If you are, check in with your doctor about how that's going. Some people find music helpful, I'm pretty much constantly walking around with noise cancelling headphones and podcasts.
Third tip, work on interoception - noticing your emotional and bodily feelings and needs more, so you can identify when you need rest times before getting overstimulated.
Last tip, investigate other things that might be sapping your energy. Perhaps you used to have more energy and didn't have the same issue with processing sensory info, so you didn't use anger as a coping tool. So if this has changed, there might be other things that have negatively affected the cognitive resources you have available - other medical causes of fatigue, other lifestyle factors like stress at work.
There are other reasons that anger could be an issue besides this dopamine/stimulation one, but many ADHD people I've mentioned this too have found it illuminating and found it helpful to view the anger as a coping mechanism to be replaced rather than something to try to push away. And as a sign that there's a problem to cope with, so you can maybe focus on the problem instead of the coping mechanism.
posted by lookoutbelow at 9:55 PM on December 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry, this sounds so distressing! N-thing to go see a doctor (sorry), because it can definitely be a weird hormonal/chemical thing - especially since it sounds like this is a change for you. In my case, one of the ways my prenatal depression manifested was terrifying sudden onset rage. It felt entirely out of control and out of character. And a little Zoloft cleared it right up very quickly, so it doesn't have to be a big scary life ruining thing. As others have said, a doctor can help you rule out causes and hopefully find a relatively simple solution!
posted by bowtiesarecool at 5:34 PM on December 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by bowtiesarecool at 5:34 PM on December 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
My intolerance of noisy assholes is aggravated dramatically by caffeine consumption and lack of sleep. I used to spend a lot of time tired, caffeinated, and angry.
These days, I drink only decaf, and the improvement in my mood has been very obvious to myself and people I spend time with.
posted by Calibandage at 12:39 PM on December 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
These days, I drink only decaf, and the improvement in my mood has been very obvious to myself and people I spend time with.
posted by Calibandage at 12:39 PM on December 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
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I got professional help once I started punching walls. To me it was a sign that my mind was starting to spin off balance a little and needed recentering. It mostly helped.
posted by Vatnesine at 10:44 PM on December 24, 2023 [23 favorites]