I think I'm losing my mind
February 25, 2012 12:46 PM Subscribe
I still have my eyesight (for now), but the diagnosis has triggered serious anger and midlife crisis issues.
posted by bad grammar to health & fitness (23 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I posted late last year about a retinal disorder (possible detachment). I saw a retinal expert at a well respected university hospital twice and he says that my retinal condition is stable, but otherwise cannot give long-term reassurance. I am having psychological issues.
I am feeling angry at everyone and everything. I just can't take it anymore. I am angry at the 90yo writer whose novel I agreed to type up and edit in my free time (Project #1). Doing the typing makes me angry, since he doesn't have a computer, won't use a word processor, and expects me to type as if it were still the Mad Men era, even though I'm being paid to do it. The substance of the novel irritates me since I disagree with it for political reasons. It might euphemistically be called "heritage fiction." It is being self-published on Amazon. I am fantasizing about trashing it. Did I mention that he still kills off his gay characters?
I am editing a much larger project (Project #2) in my own field in which I, the editor, am at the mercy of procrastinating contributors (most of who are academics, world class procrastinators). A major deadline is approaching.
I can't stand my day job anymore either. I am a school librarian and so besides everything else that needs to be done in the 2 libraries I manage w/o assistants, I spend time picking up books and putting them back in order when the kids push the books around or put them back in the wrong place, spines inward. I am not their mom. It is, however, a job that I can't just quit. I have little confidence in finding another that pays at the same level.
The political news makes me angry too. Two words. Rick Santorum. The thought that Rick Santorum could get elected and that I live in a Catholic neighborhood where many people might support Rick Santorum. I cannot go out and spray paint the nearby Catholic school with RICK SANTORUM SUCKS DOGS even though I would like to.
I am lesbian/bi and live in the closet. This is now making me extremely angry all by itself. I can hardly come out without fear of losing my job. I am tired of living in a straight world, where the city paper can run Ask Amy but not Dan Savage, where people on the bus look at me funny because I have a short haircut, where my right to marry a woman exists only in a few states and even there is threatened by right-wingers.
The real thing that is making me so angry is the thought that I am slowly going blind. I'm a highly visual person who enjoys reading and whose careers have depended on reading and whose pleasures depend on sight. I'm not even musical.
I feel that my productive life may have become too short to put up with all this crap. I want to ditch the day job and the writer (Project #1) and/or take my savings and move out of the Catholic neighborhood into the city (giving me an excuse to drop the writer, since the only reason I'm doing this is that I'm his neighbor). Unfortunately, in this state I don't trust my judgment. It seems foolish to squander my savings on an apartment or condo when I may need them for when I have to exist on disability payments.
Did I mention that I'm living with my parents. I feel that my anger with the writer guy is projection, displacement, what have you.
I need a diagnosis. The possibilities are (a) physical eyestrain from my slowly deteriorating vision is making me exhausted and angry; (b) it's hormones, since I am over 40; (c) life changes or therapy for this life situation.
I know I should drop one or more of these commitments, probably the writer. I have a terrible time saying no to people, even though I want to belt out the line from Amy Winehouse's "Rehab": NO NO NO!
I have not told my supervisors at work about my vision problem, since I figure they'll start searching for a new librarian. What I want is some time off to get Project #2 into shape and get my head together. My supervisors at Project #2 don't know about the vision issue either. Nor does the writer guy.
I also need social support. I don't have lesbian/bisexual friends; due to the commitments on my free time (Projects #1 and 2), going out and socializing is somewhere near the bottom.