Help with choosing a therapist for anger management

June 4, 2018 10:17 AM

My work has recently become stressful, and is likely to remain so for a while. There is a particular aspect of it that is triggering some pretty serious anger although I'm unable to pinpoint why. Increasingly, I've had to take a walk around the block before sending out emails, and have also occasionally taken this anger out on my family at home. This cannot continue.

The exact nature of the trigger situations isn't relevant, but I do want to emphasize that the frustration associated with it is justified - my team agrees that it is unbelievably stressful and should not be so. It so happens that because of the projects we're assigned to, I am the only one on my team who has to deal with this in the day to day. I've asked my manager for support, but she is a passive personality who is far removed from the affairs of this project and is not able to provide the support I need, nor is she able to suggest much resolution.

The issue is systemic to the organization and I cannot alone provide a solution for it, both due to bandwidth and the fact that I am not executive management. The change needs to come from a VP level, and since the 'situation' is located in Asia, personal interaction with the people causing these issues is not possible.

Thus, I'll deal with the situation for now, but I do need to take care of my mental health. 1) In looking for a therapist, what sort of techniques should I consider they use in their practice? What type of therapy has worked for you if you've dealt with anger issues? 2) For the short-term, what techniques can I use to calm myself, especially in the moment? My normal exercise isn't helping - running, weights - plus I have a toddler, so time for classes and other things that take me out of the house is limited.

I love my work, but this current stress needs to be managed before I scream. Literally. The urge to scream has been overwhelming.

posted by Everydayville to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Best answer: I also came to this point due to work stresses and what I found most helpful (it eradicated my anger completely) is:

Mindfulness: Take a moment, if you can, during the moment you are angry to stop and become aware of your surroundings. Stare at something, anything. Go for your walk and look at a flower (literally stop to smell the roses), or a shop window or a video game or anything. Really absorb what you're seeing and feeling IN THAT MOMENT so you don't dwell on the anger you felt during your trigger. Research has shown that removing yourself by focusing on something else, specifically something active like a game or puzzle, can sooth stress and emotions when you're triggered.

Stop victimizing yourself: Yes, this is happening to YOU and it's unfair and shouldn't happen. Accept that your anger is real and is justified. Your coworkers are validating you. But anger stems from a perception of unfairness toward you (or others) specifically as though you are being singled out as a lone entity. Think about the situation as something that simply has happened rather than happening TO YOU and in the grand cosmic scheme of things it probably has happened, is happening, and will happen to someone else (your coworkers, your boss) and will not be happening to you forever. If it continues to happen, i.e. you're being handed projects that affect you negatively and unfairly and your boss continues to not provide support...considered options for discussing this with her, HR, or finding a new job if possible.

Detach and compartmentalize yourself from the work: It's work. It's not YOU.

Seek assistance from Employment Assistance Services: Does your place of employment have these services? They may be able to offer you help for anger management and some offer therapy and other services (referrals) on the company dime.

Therapy Bots: Or online, automated therapists that check in on you daily and offer CBT exercises. I haven't used them but they exist!
posted by Young Kullervo at 10:40 AM on June 4, 2018 [12 favorites]

I'm not so sure that anger management is what you're looking for. Anger management is usually for people who have frequent difficulty dealing with their own anger, often in situations where others might not be angry at all. You are (very) angry about a specific situation, apparently with some justification. So a non-specialized social worker or psychologist ought to be able to help you manage this, which should make help easier to find. I'd recommend an MSW (social worker), as they tend to focus less on overall psychology and more on concrete methods for dealing with situations.

Young Kullervo offers a lot of suggestions for things you can do on your own, to which I don't have anything to add.
posted by ubiquity at 10:56 AM on June 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

1- if you have insurance, see if they cover mental health. Look through the list of providers, and see if there are any counseling centers or mental wellness centers. Call one of them up, explain what you are looking for help with, and they can match you up with a particular therapist based on their specialty.

2 -Mindfulness really helps. I do a mental full-body scan. Yes, I am pissed at X. How do I feel? How does my face feel? Shoulders? Etc etc. I then can calmly observe my emotions without judgement (" I am angry. Of course, this situation is really frustrating.") Then decide if it's something I can control or not. If not, then what is the best action I personally can take to deal with the situation and make it less frustrating? Then do that. Sometimes it's nothing, and then I have to feel the anger, and let it go.
posted by Fig at 10:59 AM on June 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

talk therapy is one avenue and can work wonders but there are other avenues as well. don't resist that urge to scream! do scream!
my personal experience lately is with a lot of anger expression practice. i.e. find places to have tantrums safely and make it a regular practice.
1-smash pillows on your bed, full body motions, make primal noises, bare your teeth, tire yourself out.
2-scream in a safe place inside(car or bedroom) or out in nature where you won't bother people.
talk to people in your life about it and ask them to give you space to practice.
karla mclaren's "language of emotions" was a book i found helpful. as well as some of the bioenergetics books by lowen(chap 4 in the book "joy" by lowen is called 'anger: the healing emotion').
anger is usual related to boundary violations so finding ways for you to 1- practice venting so nothing is built up that wants to explode and 2 - practice setting boundaries: saying no, and saying "that is not ok with me" more frequently.
for myself, i found most of this very hard but slowly becoming better at it and it's been quite helpful. i do find i can set boundaries better and am less likely to bottle things such that they build up to something that wants to blow later. and many say when anger is truly free-flowing and healthy, it just shows up as calm determination.
posted by danjo at 11:14 AM on June 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

I'd be careful of the term "anger management" as you're going to run into the "court ordered" industry. If you're not trying to get a sentence suspended or avoid a felony on your record, you might instead look for "stress management" which you should be able to work on with any CBT-oriented (or ACT, or maybe even DBT) therapist who takes your insurance and suits your demographics.

But this is also exactly what they make anti-anxiolytics for, and it's not what they made beta blockers for but they are heavily used off-label for it. If you are going through a period of situational stress, yes you should get coached on some techniques for managing it but you may also find that situational medication is the most direct route through it.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:27 AM on June 4, 2018 [6 favorites]

If the biggest issue is just at home, I have a few suggestions that you could do without therapy:

Make a big transition between work and home - stop halfway go for short walk, or do your workout in between work and home.

In the morning, have everything packed and ready to go at the front door. Have your lunch ready the night before. Work on not thinking about work until you’re in your vehicle.

If you have to take calls or answer emails at home frequently, create a space Woth a separate room, use a folding screen, or even just by turning the chair facing into the wall where you can deal with work things and then make a transition back into your living space. This saved me on a very stressful project.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:55 AM on June 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

Since the anger is just, I'd personally focus more on looking for healthier outlets to express the anger, than on managing or calming it.
Any attempts at invalidating your own anger in regards to an appropriate situation(especially so when others have and are validating this for you; therefore both you and others acknowledge that the anger is a reasonable reaction to the situation) and one in which it is warranted, will only serve to perpetuate and futher your feelings of anger, as that will only serve an additional stress and injustice upon/towards your Self.
Some activities that can feel great when you're angry: weight lifting, sprinting, home renovations (great time to tear out that drywall), dig up a garden bed, split some firewood and have a fire and burn old paperwork or yard debris, kickboxing, contact sports, sports where you get to hit a ball with an object, and personally, I do my best cleaning/purging/decluttering when I'm feeling angry. These activities all net a positive outcome from rediverting angry energy into something productive.
posted by OnefortheLast at 12:15 PM on June 4, 2018

Best answer: Lots of great advice here. I agree that any cognitive-behavioural therapy should be able to help you with this in the medium to long term.

In the shorter term, one thing that has really helped me in dealing with a bureaucracy that can be deeply frustrating and incredibly dysfunctional is avoiding language like “this can’t go on,” or “this has to change.” It sounds counter-intuitive, but if your organization is anything like mine, it limps along despite all kinds of situations and incompetences that defy description and belief. When you keep telling yourself and others that something must change or improve, and then it doesn’t, it only increases your anxiety. Instead, I’ve learned to substitute “it would be great if___” or even “it would be so much better if___”, or “if X were not like this, we might be able to complete this in much less time.” Factual, non-hyperbolic descriptions are your friend.

Then, learn to lean on the hierarchy. Your job is to get something done to the best of your ability and deliver it to the next point on the food chain. What they do with it is up to them.
posted by rpfields at 12:46 PM on June 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

My husband had this issue and I eventually convinced him to get a practice. What kind of practice? ANYTHING.

- It should make you feel better when it's done. With time, the effects should last most of the day. It should expand the ability of your nervous system to cope.

- It should include breathing, exercise, and some kind of meditative state.

I used to hike in early morning and meditate under a tree. Now I do kundalini yoga a few times a week. Spin class definitely scratches this itch. Swimming can do it.

You get the idea. It should be something you can fall back on again and again to give you an experience that alters your perspective, elevates your point of view. It definitely informs your creativity if you do it.

I wish I had learned to do this in my teens and twenties. My adult life would have changed for the better, earlier.

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 1:57 PM on June 4, 2018 [2 favorites]

Do you work out after work? Could you... work out harder? Exhaustion is a good salve for anger, especially when combined with trying to be really conscious about leaving work behind at work.

Another thing I've done sounds really hippie-dippy, but it helped me. I stood up, stretched my arms in front of me, then to the side, then up above, then kinda leaning back. You have to breathe into it and feel like you're pushing things away. The idea is basically to push things ouuut of your space. None of these things that are making you so angry are within 3 feet of you in any direction, and you don't have to actually prepare to fight it. This helps your body realize it. Cheesy, for sure! But I do feel better after I do it.
posted by salvia at 3:48 PM on June 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

There's some research that indicates that venting increases anger. You don't need to stifle it, but you can develop a narrative I'm so frustrated with this situation, but it' temporary This situation is totally crummy, but there is a resolution over time. Taking the walk is a great idea; walking it off helps dissipate some angry energy.

Things that make it worse: hunger, lack of sleep, annoyances like noisy environment, bad equipment.

Music might help keep your mood steady, along with good nutrition and adequate sleep. some people find an aspirin or tylenol helpful.

But this is an untenable work situation. Stress is bad for your health, it's harming your family life, and the resolution is far off. So my recommendation is to find a way to make it change.
posted by theora55 at 5:55 PM on June 4, 2018 [2 favorites]