What's fair and not fair to ask of my supervisor?

September 26, 2023 4:13 PM

I am panicking over upcoming performance reviews, to the point that I even asked my boss to confirm that if they had concerns about my performance we would already be discussing them. It did not assuage my anxiety. I need help understanding what's reasonable to ask.

For example, in the past I requested more frequent feedback so we started monthly meetings for my department, but these focused on tasks and projects, not my performance. Now I'm not the only one in my department so the type of feedback I wanted is even harder to come by. My boss seems to be a "no news is good news" style manager. They expect you to do your job well and will train you or talk to you if you're not. My boss tried to get a retention bonus to keep me within the last year, going through 3 levels of management to do so. But I'm still here trying to convince my anxious mind that I am not going to be getting fired.

So if I asked for feedback before and I do not feel like I'm getting it, do I just ask again? I feel so needy saying hey can you please tell me if I am meeting expectations or if there is anything I can do better? But I feel like I am performing terribly as my personal life has gone crazy and I am more easily distracted by it. I've heard zero complaints from anyone, but I still know that my ability to show up fully in a mental sense has been less. I was late on a project that caused my boss to rush unnecessarily and feel guilty about that. I volunteered ways to fix that issue in the future.

Our department culture is somewhat informal. We know each other's families, have met outside of work a couple of times. We work in a field that expects emotional labor from everyone. Our overall employer is very formal and optics oriented but our department isn't really like that. I'm also having serious anxiety because my coworker in my department seems to be better than me in every way that really matters. I am freezing up because I feel intimidated at how much better she is than me at teamwork, technical aspects of the job she is more experienced with, managing up, being well liked, and I'm pretty sure I should not discuss my feeling intimidated with my boss, right? I'm autistic so I honestly do not understand what the rules are for this. I am embarrassed that I am having such an immature reaction but i am also suddenly the only source of income for my family so it makes sense I guess. But I don't want to cross boundaries with work and can't tell what they are supposed to be considering our department culture is pretty open and flexible with boundaries. People getting chemo crying during morning meetings, boss cussing about daycare sending kids home for unwarranted reasons, etc.

Ironically my becoming the only source of income in my family means I feel more pressure which makes me perform worse, not better. I'm going into a freeze response at times. But you need to leave personal life out of work so I don't feel like I should tell my supervisor.

Anyway. I guess I just need reassurance that it's ok to seek more regular feedback and how to go about that if my manager isn't forthcoming (without annoying them). And how do I stop comparing myself to my coworker and feeling less than all the time?

posted by crunchy potato to Work & Money (17 answers total)

For the first bit -- maybe you need to be more specific about the kind of feedback you are seeking? Some managers just aren't good at/interested in this (aka "no news is good news" or my least favorite, "I don't acknowledge meeting expectations") but I have found it helpful to express what I need in order to feel successful and confident in my role and development. You want to avoid making managing your anxiety your supervisor's problem OR inviting micromanagement. But letting them know that you thrive off of positive feedback, or you are wondering if they think you should invest in further technical skill development, are reasonable prompts to invite your supervisor to perhaps give you more frequent feedback than it sounds like you are getting.
posted by sm1tten at 4:28 PM on September 26, 2023 [3 favorites]

Based on your description, I'm going to assume you work in a typical professional office environment, for a typical American company.

My boss tried to get a retention bonus to keep me within the last year, going through 3 levels of management to do so. But I'm still here trying to convince my anxious mind that I am not going to be getting fired.

It would be exceptionally strange for me to expect a manager to go from providing a retention bonus one year to firing an employee for underperformance the next year.

I feel so needy saying hey can you please tell me if I am meeting expectations or if there is anything I can do better?

Those two aren't mutually exclusive. It's very common for people to be meeting their job expectations and have ways of doing their job better. It's also very common for different people in a given role to perform better or worse than each other. It is not expected that you do your job better than all your coworkers. That would not be feasible - someone in a group of people doing the same job will always be doing their job the worst. That doesn't mean that person isn't meeting their job expectations.

I think very few, if any, managers would be comfortable with a regular (more often than a performance review period) statement that you are meeting job expectations. If I were faced with that request, I would wonder if you are trying to accumulate evidence for a potential employment lawsuit of some sort. You can reasonably ask, regularly, for feedback to do your job better. You can even ask questions about specific scenarios - for instance, I fairly regularly ask people if they thought there was a better way to handle a tricky situation at work.

One of the basic roles of a manager is to not surprise people. It should never be a surprise to an employee when they receive a negative performance review, or end up with some form of discipline at work. If you end up with a negative performance review, or are disciplined/fired at work, and you are surprised by it - you should be assuming your manager failed, and not you. If that happens, that's typically indicative of a workplace that is overall not worth working at.
posted by saeculorum at 4:34 PM on September 26, 2023 [9 favorites]

Best answer: My boss tried to get a retention bonus to keep me within the last year, going through 3 levels of management to do so. But I'm still here trying to convince my anxious mind that I am not going to be getting fired.
Oh, this sounds super stressful. But, let's take a GIGANTIC step back. A boss does not go through three levels of management to get a retention bonus for someone and then fire you a few months later, short of something like showing up to work drunk, harassing coworkers, etc.

So if I asked for feedback before and I do not feel like I'm getting it, do I just ask again? I feel so needy saying hey can you please tell me if I am meeting expectations or if there is anything I can do better?
I think it's not going to help you to keep asking. I don't think this is a boss issue. I think this is an anxiety issue. I am not sure there's any feedback that's going to reassure you.

In the big picture, it's great to ask for feedback. But also... if your boss says, "I'll tell you if something is wrong," at some point, you need to trust them. And continuing to ask them for reassurance when they have told you not to isn't great.

How are you seeking treatment for your anxiety?

Also...
I'm also having serious anxiety because my coworker in my department seems to be better than me in every way that really matters. I am freezing up because I feel intimidated at how much better she is than me at teamwork, technical aspects of the job she is more experienced with, managing up, being well liked, and I'm pretty sure I should not discuss my feeling intimidated with my boss, right?
It's hard when we can see a coworker excelling. But you aren't in competition with her. You're not in the running for one job.

I think you comparing yourself to her is also related to your anxiety. It sounds like you're having a really tough time at home. I think the way to approach this is by getting some support for your anxiety and continuing to do what you can to make things better at home.

I don't think you've done anything embarrassing or shameful. If some issues come up, I think it's okay to say something like, "I've had some stress in my family life, and I apologize that that's been having some impact on my work. I am working on making things better, and focusing more." But sometimes people don't even notice blips from overall good performers.

Listen, you got a retention bonus. If your boss wanted to fire you, they'd look bad! They'd have to justify firing someone after jumping through all those hoops.

I know it's stressful, but I think continually asking for feedback, especially when you're basically saying, "Please tell me know what you're going to say in my performance review," is not great. The performance review is going to be the reassurance you are seeking. When is it? Can you hang in til then?

Also, if they were going to fire you, it wouldn't be in a performance review right after a bonus, you know?
posted by bluedaisy at 4:41 PM on September 26, 2023 [27 favorites]

I don't think it will serve you well to dump this anxiety onto your supervisor. It is unprofessional and not something they're set up to handle.

What they are set up to handle is regular performance reviews; they're giving you that. Performance reviews are not firing occasions. Performance reviews are where you'd get told if there was an issue you need to deal with - that's what you want, right.

It might help you to prepare for your review by making a list of your projects and successes for the past year and have that with you.

With regard to your envy of your co-worker, don't dump that on your boss either. But by all means if you see things your co-worker doing that strike you as good, then imitate them. Free training!
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:42 PM on September 26, 2023 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: I'm in therapy and on medication for my anxiety.

Small point of clarification - I didn't actually get the bonus. The grand boss denied it. But my boss got the request that far. Which should reassure me but my anxiety due to being the only source of income in my family is out of control.
posted by crunchy potato at 4:47 PM on September 26, 2023

Agreed with everyone that if your boss says they'll tell you if something is wrong, you have to trust them. Being able to trust your boss when they tell you to hold the course on something is in fact an important job skill. This is -- and please take this gently -- a you problem, not something it's professional to ask your boss to help you with.
posted by Jairus at 4:48 PM on September 26, 2023

Best answer: I'll also commenting that, as a manager, firing people is really, really, really annoying. It's pretty much one of the absolute least pleasant things to do as a manager. In many office places, terminations require accumulating evidence for months, regular consultations with HR, legal, and security, on top of approval from multiple places in the company. Delivering the news to someone that they have been fired is one of the toughest tasks for a manager. It's so challenging it's often one of the interview questions I ask managers. Once the message is delivered, the manager has to deal with knowing about the challenges they are imposing on the person being fired. Once the person is fired, the manager needs to find a replacement, which is especially tricky in a time of particularly low unemployment (ie, right now). If the company is challenged financially, a replacement may not even be approved. During the time it takes to find a replacement, the manager's group's workload generally doesn't decrease, resulting in everyone in the team working harder and becoming less happy at work. Once an offer is made to a potential replacement, the potential replacement may or may not take the offer. If the potential replacement happens to take the offer, it'll usually take 2-4 weeks for that replacement to start. Once the replacement starts, it'll take them potentially 3-6 months to be effective at their job at all. During all of that time, again, group workload doesn't usually decrease.

This is all to say - managers are highly incentivized not to fire you. Not all managers are good managers, but most all managers don't want to go through the above. And if they think they might go through the above, they tend to want to let you know as a way to avoid it.
posted by saeculorum at 4:56 PM on September 26, 2023 [19 favorites]

Idk if either of these will help you, but they've helped me when I'm freaking out:

1. Reviews are just metrics. Managers do them because they have to, because HR tells them to so boxes can get ticked and files can get filled with documents proving that Things Are Being Done.

Reviews are like the weather, something you have to prepare for and deal with, but typically doesn't mean anything.

2. There's nothing you can do if they decide to get rid of you. You can't do better or try harder than you already have. The job is theirs, not yours.

You're not going to get fired for cause if you're as conscientious as you sound, but that doesn't mean they won't downsize you or whatever. (I know this is fatalistic af, but it helps me keep it in perspective: they can take my job any time for any reason. I can only do my best while I'm there.)

I hope this doesn't exacerbate your anxiety, I mean it as a perspective-gathering thought process! I wish you good luck.
posted by goblinbox at 5:07 PM on September 26, 2023 [3 favorites]

Is your manager a capricious jerk? Do they lash out at people, change their mind without warning, lose their temper easily, shift blame?

If your manager is not a capricious jerk, then they will give you a heads up about performance before a formal evaluation to prepare you, usually a 1:1 meeting to discuss problems and come up with solutions. If they haven’t, you are okay.

If they are a jerk, you have to be a lot more strategic to survive - but reading your description, your manager sounds normal.

Get a sanity check from outside your company with working friends on what’s normal or not normal. I read askamanager regularly, and also talk about work culture with my friends and family to see if I am overreacting or the situation really is bad. This does not have to be a close friend but it should be people outside of your company so you can (without sharing confi details) talk more openly.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:33 PM on September 26, 2023

Best answer: Also asking for feedback is appropriate! You need to be clear it’s not handholding. Ask for a coffee break discussion for 15-30min 1:1 every two weeks to review your work priorities and identify improvements you can make. Make a list of training you’d like, including informal mentoring training, for work. They don’t want an additional task of feedback that reassures you, but if you spin it as this will make improve the direction and quality of my work, then it has a benefit for them.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:39 PM on September 26, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I’ll just say that my first ~10 months or so at my org were extraordinarily anxiety inducing because my first supervisor, while actually great and easy to talk to in many ways didn’t hold weekly 1:1s with me. I didn’t know it was part of the issue until she left and my new supervisor started doing them (which also gave me anxiety! Having to do a status report when I felt like I was failing! But it also gave me a weekly assurance that she just said everything is fine. I also work 100% remote so I truly felt like was getting zero feedback outside of those).

While I certainly still deal with anxiety, holding a weekly (or now biweekly) 1:1 really helped. This is a normal management thing they should be doing. You’re not asking for too much here.

I’ll also say that you start off your Ask with a major asset, “ They expect you to do your job well and will train you or talk to you if you're not.” You don’t say “my boss never gives feedback and hurst fired 3 people for underperforming, I’m scared I don’t understand what the goals are.” If there’s a problem they will talk to you about it.
posted by raccoon409 at 7:20 PM on September 26, 2023

You're getting some great advice here. I would just add that if you want to do a deep dive on feedback conversations, Thanks for the Feedback is an excellent resource. People mean different things when they use the word "feedback," so it's helpful to understand different types of feedback and how to ask for the type you want. If you want evaluation, but your boss thinks you want appreciation, that's an important gap to close.
posted by equipoise at 7:55 PM on September 26, 2023 [1 favorite]

You know how in public schools a principal will occasionally observe a teacher teaching in their classroom, and then give specific criticisms/feedback later? Do that. Ask for that.

Once in a while--not all the time, like, maybe once a quarter at the most--ask your manager ahead of a big event or a sprint to observe you for how you could improve your x skills. Where x is whatever specific thing you want to improve: communication, presentation skills, collaborating with others--whatever it is. Then they will be able to evaluate you in the moment as they're observing for that specific x. Your manager is much more likely to be able to give you specific areas of improvement in this scenario.

I agree that if your manager went through bureaucratic hoops to try to get you a retention bonus, that you have nothing to worry about with this upcoming review.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:30 AM on September 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

my anxiety due to being the only source of income in my family is out of control.

Nothing your boss can do will touch this. Nothing we can say on Metafilter will touch this. This is something you need to get a handle on, with more therapy or different meds or bringing in a roommate or moving in with/moving in a family member. This is a medical and family problem that needs to be addressed through medical and family channels, NOT your boss.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:53 AM on September 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

Oop double posting because there is actually one work-related channel you can use for this, namely you can apply (if your company qualifies) for FMLA, if that is necessary to getting your severe anxiety addressed.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:54 AM on September 27, 2023 [1 favorite]

Spend some time doing a self-evaluation, focusing on accomplishments. You are not going to be fired, but this is a chance to shine, to show what you've done. Keep that list in a folder, add to it. Track training you've gotten, seminars and conferences attended. basically like a school record for your grown up life. It's useful and encouraging and will distract you. a little, anyway.
posted by theora55 at 3:57 PM on September 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

I've seen multiple Ask a Manager posts written by folks on the other side of this -- managers who have super anxious employees who ask for constant reassurance; here's one example. The takeaway is that it's not your manager's job to manage your anxiety for you.

I am hugely sympathetic to being an anxious person! I've even have had to take FMLA for my anxiety in the past. I don't think there's any amounts of feedback or positive reinforcement your manager can give that will shut down the anxious voice in your brain; you need to figure out how to do that out on your own. Can you talk to your therapist/psychiatrist about how much this is impacting your life? Maybe you need to look into a new med, a short leave of absence, a new type of therapy, etc. I also like We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese's suggestion about addressing the financial aspect of this. If you're that worried about being the sole provider for your family, then is there a way you can reduce your expenses, have someone else get a part-time job, etc?

I'm really sorry you're struggling with this and always up for DMing about anxiety management if you want!
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 4:24 PM on September 28, 2023