How can I stop being so nervous/anxious around my boss?
March 23, 2015 10:29 PM Subscribe
I started a new job almost 3 months ago now and I'm generally liking it, but I'm still feeling very nervous when I interact with my boss. I almost feel afraid to interact with him. How can I end this?
He's not a terrifying man, I'm not afraid that he'll yell or do anything like that. I think this fear is more based on my (hopefully) irrational fears of being fired/not having my contract renewed after my 6 month probation period. It's come to a point where I DREAD interacting with him, even though there's nothing to logically be afraid of? How on earth can I calm down around my boss?
I won't see him until next Friday and I have to ask him a question about how to answer a survey he sent out to all of the staff members, because I'm not sure how to answer the question, but I'm already anxious about it! I'm getting anxious 5 days in advance of asking a simple question! This is getting ridiculous! Help!
He's not a terrifying man, I'm not afraid that he'll yell or do anything like that. I think this fear is more based on my (hopefully) irrational fears of being fired/not having my contract renewed after my 6 month probation period. It's come to a point where I DREAD interacting with him, even though there's nothing to logically be afraid of? How on earth can I calm down around my boss?
I won't see him until next Friday and I have to ask him a question about how to answer a survey he sent out to all of the staff members, because I'm not sure how to answer the question, but I'm already anxious about it! I'm getting anxious 5 days in advance of asking a simple question! This is getting ridiculous! Help!
Did you have a terrible boss in the past? Because for me that poisoned my judgment and has made me more nervous around all my new bosses.
One way I got over it: realize your boss most likely wants you to succeed. 9/10 bosses are Not Bad People and besides they want to have people stay b/c it's sunk costs with interviewing and etc., so they have a vested interest in helping you fit in, understand goals/needs/efforts of the company, learn to do your job well, especially during the probation period. You're new, so he expects you will have questions, and that you have read the survey and have a good informed question and will listen to and use his answer (right?) is a mark in your favor.
posted by holyrood at 10:47 PM on March 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
One way I got over it: realize your boss most likely wants you to succeed. 9/10 bosses are Not Bad People and besides they want to have people stay b/c it's sunk costs with interviewing and etc., so they have a vested interest in helping you fit in, understand goals/needs/efforts of the company, learn to do your job well, especially during the probation period. You're new, so he expects you will have questions, and that you have read the survey and have a good informed question and will listen to and use his answer (right?) is a mark in your favor.
posted by holyrood at 10:47 PM on March 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Sorry to post again, but after giving the question a bit more thought... I think part of my constant nervousness is because my position is one that was, hmm... decommissioned for about 2 years, before they decided to hire someone to fill that role again (me!). I'm sort of afraid that if I make a mistake or whatever, they'll get rid of me and maybe the entire position (again). I feel like I have to be super amazing at everything I do to prove the value of the position to him/the organization?
I don't know if that gives a bit more insight into how I feel about everything. This is also my first "real" job in this field since finishing college.
posted by modesty.blaise at 10:49 PM on March 23, 2015
I don't know if that gives a bit more insight into how I feel about everything. This is also my first "real" job in this field since finishing college.
posted by modesty.blaise at 10:49 PM on March 23, 2015
Best answer: The last time a position was eliminated at my job, it was strictly for budgetary reasons. If they reinstated the position AND filled it with you, they clearly want the position and they want you in it. No one is going to do such a bad job that a company is going to fire that person AND sow the ground with salt.
Try to step back and think about the actual, tangible feedback you are getting. Don't try to guess at hidden meanings. Does the boss answer your questions? Say "let me know if you need help."? Is he friendly or at least professional?
posted by Beti at 11:05 PM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Try to step back and think about the actual, tangible feedback you are getting. Don't try to guess at hidden meanings. Does the boss answer your questions? Say "let me know if you need help."? Is he friendly or at least professional?
posted by Beti at 11:05 PM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If they decommissioned the position and then reopened it again (hiring you in the process), I'm thinking they already realize the value of the position. Otherwise, they'd have just kept on keeping on once it was eliminated.
I'd try role-playing conversations you anticipate having with him with friends/family posing as your boss so that you can ease your nerves a bit when you actually speak with him. I'd also examine whether or not questions like how to answer a staff survey could be answered by a colleague instead. It totally might be a "go to the boss" situation but if it's possible to resourcefully find out the answer yourself, then when you actually do need to bug your boss you'll be one of the employees who only does it for good reason. And good reason might be, next time it naturally seems fitting, to ask how he sees your progress at this approximately half-way point in your probation period. That way you can find out for sure if your anxiety is groundless.
posted by vegartanipla at 11:11 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd try role-playing conversations you anticipate having with him with friends/family posing as your boss so that you can ease your nerves a bit when you actually speak with him. I'd also examine whether or not questions like how to answer a staff survey could be answered by a colleague instead. It totally might be a "go to the boss" situation but if it's possible to resourcefully find out the answer yourself, then when you actually do need to bug your boss you'll be one of the employees who only does it for good reason. And good reason might be, next time it naturally seems fitting, to ask how he sees your progress at this approximately half-way point in your probation period. That way you can find out for sure if your anxiety is groundless.
posted by vegartanipla at 11:11 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Read up on CBT for managing anxiety. You may have to force yourself to go against your true feelings (not comfortable and not impossible)... being so jumpy (no judgement here) can force a dynamic you don't want. Think about the evidence for and against your assumptions.
posted by tanktop at 12:36 AM on March 24, 2015
posted by tanktop at 12:36 AM on March 24, 2015
When I joined my company, I felt like I'd bluffed my way into the job. I was so nervous about being found out that I pretended to know more than I did, because I didn't want to give anyone the idea that I might not be totally competent- if they realised, they'd know they made a mistake hiring me and fire me immediately! I really regret that now, because I made things much more difficult for myself than I needed to. Plus, I probably missed lots of opportunities to learn that I don't have time for now I'm fully immersed in the role.
It sounds like you might be having that same imposter feeling, and you don't even want to ask what perfect looks like, because even that would indicate you aren't perfect.
I think the way around this is to be proactive about understanding your boss, and to set yourself clear goals and objectives that support the business. These are signs of strength and competence, and will impress your boss.
Perhaps the next time you have a one-to-one with your boss you could say something like 'I'm so grateful for this opportunity and really keen to do a great job, so can we come up with some achievable but challenging objectives so I can have something tangible to aim for and ensure you're getting what you need from me?'
Have a think about what these might be and work with your boss to create a few goals that will provide value to the business and resassure you that you're on the right track. These will depend on your role/job description (it might be a sales target, number of responses to customer queries, number of attendees at marketing events etc.). Use the SMART format to make sure the goals are achievable and measurable.
Or if you don't want to create specific goals or the culture doesn't support that sort of thing, I think this is a very simple and effective workaround.
I would explain your nervousness about what happened in the past (which is entirely understandable) and let your boss you know you are keen to learn and be as helpful and valuable as possible, so you would appreciate his feedback if and when there is anything you can improve on- you might want to build this into your regular one-to-ones.
You might also like to have a conversation about how you both like to work- I like these questions for a new boss, but you can find loads of lists of these sort of questions online. It doesn't have to be a formal Q&A, again, just explain to want to be as helpful and make his life as easy as possible.
Not only will these fixes give you clear indicators of whether you're doing a good job and pleasing your boss, it will also make you look extremely organised, goal oriented and enthusiastic.
Good luck!
posted by Dwardles at 1:24 AM on March 24, 2015
It sounds like you might be having that same imposter feeling, and you don't even want to ask what perfect looks like, because even that would indicate you aren't perfect.
I think the way around this is to be proactive about understanding your boss, and to set yourself clear goals and objectives that support the business. These are signs of strength and competence, and will impress your boss.
Perhaps the next time you have a one-to-one with your boss you could say something like 'I'm so grateful for this opportunity and really keen to do a great job, so can we come up with some achievable but challenging objectives so I can have something tangible to aim for and ensure you're getting what you need from me?'
Have a think about what these might be and work with your boss to create a few goals that will provide value to the business and resassure you that you're on the right track. These will depend on your role/job description (it might be a sales target, number of responses to customer queries, number of attendees at marketing events etc.). Use the SMART format to make sure the goals are achievable and measurable.
Or if you don't want to create specific goals or the culture doesn't support that sort of thing, I think this is a very simple and effective workaround.
I would explain your nervousness about what happened in the past (which is entirely understandable) and let your boss you know you are keen to learn and be as helpful and valuable as possible, so you would appreciate his feedback if and when there is anything you can improve on- you might want to build this into your regular one-to-ones.
You might also like to have a conversation about how you both like to work- I like these questions for a new boss, but you can find loads of lists of these sort of questions online. It doesn't have to be a formal Q&A, again, just explain to want to be as helpful and make his life as easy as possible.
Not only will these fixes give you clear indicators of whether you're doing a good job and pleasing your boss, it will also make you look extremely organised, goal oriented and enthusiastic.
Good luck!
posted by Dwardles at 1:24 AM on March 24, 2015
IAABIANYB
Have you thought about tackling the problem head on?
If one of my staff came to me and said "I feel very nervous when I interact with my you." then it would be an opportunity for me to make someone's life in the workplace a bit happier. Which I see as a good thing.
posted by fullerine at 2:05 AM on March 24, 2015
Have you thought about tackling the problem head on?
If one of my staff came to me and said "I feel very nervous when I interact with my you." then it would be an opportunity for me to make someone's life in the workplace a bit happier. Which I see as a good thing.
posted by fullerine at 2:05 AM on March 24, 2015
Best answer: I felt exactly the same throughout my first job after college so I think it's pretty normal (either that or we're both freaks ;). I lucked out because my boss turned out to be a super sweet man, but even if that's not the case, I think the best way to deal with that kind of anxiety is through rationalization and trying to pretend it's not there.
Ie: fake it till you make it. Try not to believe every anxious thought that your brain throws at you and instead try to recognize each time a thought is happening and label it "anxiety" and try to move on and focus on your main duty. Because the good thing is, no matter how loud the anxious voices are in your head, your boss can't hear them. When you do end up going to talk to him, try to be an actor for 5 minutes. Pretend you are playing the character of Very Chill Individual. You can even practice what you're going to say ahead of time. Believe me, your boss will have no idea. If you pretend to be in control, people will believe you are. And if other people think so, it must be true right? (this is the absurd logic that has helped me a ton in that past). Good luck!
posted by winterportage at 4:23 AM on March 24, 2015
Ie: fake it till you make it. Try not to believe every anxious thought that your brain throws at you and instead try to recognize each time a thought is happening and label it "anxiety" and try to move on and focus on your main duty. Because the good thing is, no matter how loud the anxious voices are in your head, your boss can't hear them. When you do end up going to talk to him, try to be an actor for 5 minutes. Pretend you are playing the character of Very Chill Individual. You can even practice what you're going to say ahead of time. Believe me, your boss will have no idea. If you pretend to be in control, people will believe you are. And if other people think so, it must be true right? (this is the absurd logic that has helped me a ton in that past). Good luck!
posted by winterportage at 4:23 AM on March 24, 2015
Best answer: Are you sure it's all you? I had a boss who made me feel this way and although some of it had to do with circumstances at the time I started working with him (I had been forced to quit my previous job by jerks and my first day of work happened to be September 10, 2001 and I lived in NYC, so ALL of us were a little fragile then), a lot of it was actually just him. In time I got to know my coworkers, and they all agreed that there was something "off" about him. Much later, I realized that he was actually a bully, passive aggressive, deliberately keeping us out of the loop and playing favorites, among other tactics, but never so severely that anyone called him out for it.
My boss made me nervous and flustered and he was a bad boss, I guess is my point. Sometimes your gut is correct - you may be picking up something from your boss that feels uneasy, but I wouldn't assume that it's because of anything you're doing. I would certainly hold off on addressing this directly with him and instead pay attention to his behavior (document for yourself if necessary). Are you comfortable enough with any of your peers to find out what they think of him? It may ease your tension to socialize a little (work-appropriately, of course - not necessarily opening the floodgates) to get outside your head and take a breath. You're doing your work. You are okay. You're going to do fine.
posted by Otter_Handler at 6:50 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
My boss made me nervous and flustered and he was a bad boss, I guess is my point. Sometimes your gut is correct - you may be picking up something from your boss that feels uneasy, but I wouldn't assume that it's because of anything you're doing. I would certainly hold off on addressing this directly with him and instead pay attention to his behavior (document for yourself if necessary). Are you comfortable enough with any of your peers to find out what they think of him? It may ease your tension to socialize a little (work-appropriately, of course - not necessarily opening the floodgates) to get outside your head and take a breath. You're doing your work. You are okay. You're going to do fine.
posted by Otter_Handler at 6:50 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
I recently went through this with my current boss. What I did was to say, "Ok, he's just one guy in this organization. How do I show my worth to everyone else?" I set up touch points with other business area leaders, to say, "How is our dept doing? Anything we can help move along?" Not only did it filter back to my boss as, "Wow, routergirl's really on top of things," but it built up my confidence. YMMV, of course. I head an IT department, so we're in a supporting role to the organization. Asking how we can do better makes sense here. That actually might work with your position as well, since the value of it may be questioned (as you said they had decommissioned the role previously). Focus on how you can prove how valuable that role can be to the company as a whole. Once your confidence grows, the boss will seem a lot less intimidating.
posted by routergirl at 7:26 AM on March 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by routergirl at 7:26 AM on March 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, and I should have mentioned - to show your value, you don't have to be "super amazing." Just good. You'd be surprised at how little effort it takes to demonstrate your value. They brought you on, right? They brought you on and recreated the role because, likely, decommissioning it was a bad idea. Keep that in mind.
posted by routergirl at 7:38 AM on March 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by routergirl at 7:38 AM on March 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is more about your specific example then the broader issue. But why are you saving a simple question for so long? Unless boss is actually unavailable until Friday, just send him a quick email now. Also, while I understand it might not be appropriate in this case, is there another co-worker you could run your question by?
I suggest this because the longer I dwell on things, the more anxious I get about it.
posted by Shanda at 11:04 AM on March 24, 2015
I suggest this because the longer I dwell on things, the more anxious I get about it.
posted by Shanda at 11:04 AM on March 24, 2015
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posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:38 PM on March 23, 2015