Is this a good reason to insert myself in a friend's custody drama?

August 17, 2023 4:39 PM

Do a tell a woman whose abusive ex cowered her into surrendering physical custody of her kid that the ex recently got a DWI and is expecting the step-wife (she won't talk to) to parent when he's been gone for weeks.

Someone I know who reaches out to me for support with her infant and step-daughter are in a difficult situation, with Adam, a "why does he do that" personality. Adam frequently threatens current spouse with taking custody of their child, like he did step-daughter. Spouse is terrified and not quite ready to leave.

Adam was recently arrested for a DWI and possession. As he's wont to do, Adam disappeared shortly after a court hearing, calling occasionally to threaten spouse and inform her of imminent drop off of step-daughter for school. Of course, Ex and Step-Mom have a very contentious relationship, in part because of these threats.

Do I drop a line to Ex informing her of DWI and how the child will be alone with Step-Mom who doesn't want her? This is her chance to attempt to regain custody.

Or just call CPS once school starts and report concerns of abuse?

Am I playing into their drama? I don't want to be, and don't want to be part of this crap.
It wasn't for the well-being of the kids, and the parenting help/advice i frequently give to a mother who little support and much needs,
I'd be ok if none of them ever talk to me again.

Telling her feels like the right thing to do (not staying silent about abuse, protecting kids) and the wrong thing to do (drama, gossip, interfering with lives).

posted by bindr to Human Relations (14 answers total)

I would tell her, and I would also put her in touch with a domestic violence agency, which may be able to help her with the legal aspects. You can go go DomesticShelters.org and enter your zip code, and it will give you a list of domestic violence agencies in your area. You can click on each one and it will tell you what services they provide.
posted by MexicanYenta at 5:07 PM on August 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: If I was not willing or able to tell her directly, I would consider sending an anonymous note with maybe a link to his booking photo.

In these situations, I ask myself who my obligation is to. Is it to myself, my friend, or... in this case I think your obligation is to protect or try to protect the child(ren).
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:22 PM on August 17, 2023 [6 favorites]

Once you look up local domestic violence agencies, I would encourage the current wife (who assume is your friend) to take advantage of her husband's absence to do some research about what would happen, in terms of custody and finances, if she did decide to leave. Knowledge is power and knowing more about how the legal standards really work in these cases will help prevent her from being cowed by husband's threats. To be clear, I wouldn't expect her to do anything with the information right away but if he is away it may feel safer for her to do some research and make some calls just so she knows.
posted by metahawk at 5:45 PM on August 17, 2023

Yes, you should absolutely inform ex-wife of the DWI.
posted by u2604ab at 6:08 PM on August 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: This is not drama, gossip or interfering. Drama and gossip would be if you told OTHER people, who aren't responsible for this child's well being.

This is telling someone about a danger to her own child. Yes OF COURSE you need to tell her.

(I am not sure if it matters that I did not understand anything else about what you wrote. She's not ready to leave? Leave whom? Are you saying they are still married but he's cohabiting with someone else, and that other person is the person who would be the caretaker of the baby? It doesn't matter, I guess.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:09 PM on August 17, 2023 [8 favorites]

(I am not sure if it matters that I did not understand anything else about what you wrote. She's not ready to leave? Leave whom? Are you saying they are still married but he's cohabiting with someone else, and that other person is the person who would be the caretaker of the baby? It doesn't matter, I guess.)

As I read it, the Mom of the children is scared to leave Dad, who is on the lam from skipping court. She does not live with anyone else. She's scared of him AND of being alone.

As to your question, OP - I would appreciate the knowledge were I in this situation. Thank you.
posted by tristeza at 6:57 PM on August 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: A DWI charge is a public record for most US counties, so there is no need to do more than an FYI with a printout of what is online or call them up and walk them through the search so they can find the information themselves. The person with a DWI charge can be as difficult as they are known to be, however they have planted their own public red flag for troublesome and problematic behavior that your person/parent should be aware of. If they know about the charge, that’s a different conversation.
posted by childofTethys at 7:41 PM on August 17, 2023 [3 favorites]

My read is different (and I read several times to parse): my read is that Adam coerced custody of child from OP’s friend. Adam has re-partnered and has another child with new partner. New partner is being asked to care for her step child, so that Adam remains the custodian of ex partner’s child. Adam sounds controlling and is willing to use highly coercive, secretive and underhanded methods to maintain control. Adam’s ex should know that he is in legal trouble. Because if she wants to regain custody of her child, now is the time. She has significant legal leverage to get custody of her child now. (Speaking as someone who’s wife was previously married and had children with an addict, and the difficulty that ensues with shared parenting in that situation).
posted by u2604ab at 7:42 PM on August 17, 2023 [11 favorites]

Best answer: No, I think OP's friend -- "Cate" -- is married to Adam now, and they have an infant together. Adam bullied his first wife -- "Betty" -- into giving up primary custody of their school-aged daughter. But Adam bullies Cate that he'd be successful in getting their baby if she should leave him; it's worked before. Despite having much in common, Cate and Betty "have a very contentious relationship" and barely communicate.

NOW, Adam's DWI means he'll be jailed for a spell, putting Cate on the hook for caring for the older kid, her step-daughter. Cate's reluctant to care for Betty's biological daughter.

OP wants to know if tipping off Betty, the ex-wife, about Adam's DWI is the right thing to do. Betty will try to get custody in Adam's absence, but OP worries about the fallout of that for friend Cate & baby and about being seen as a gossip/meddler in general.

OP, let the ex-wife know the score in whatever fashion suits you. Please, don't leave the daughter in the lurch like everyone else; she'll be made to lie about Dad's whereabouts while being neglected by her stepmother. Unless you personally know of some reason first-wife "Betty" is yet another unfit parent in this situation, do not involve CPS.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:02 PM on August 17, 2023 [9 favorites]

Let me see if I got the whole situation straight.

A(dam) divorced E(x-wife) and gained partial custody of D(aughter)

A then married current (W)ife, and are "raising" D partially. W gave birth to I(nfant).

A likes to threaten W with "I'll take the infant like I did D!"

A is probably on the lam for legal reasons, but still threatens W by phone.

And you, sir, know W at some level, perhaps as a neighbor or a friend.

Did I get everything right enough?

-----

The question here is... How deep do you want to wade in here? Do you want to see justice done?

Yes, I would agree that E should know. E needs to know, and gather evidence, in order to petition the court that granted custody to A(-hole) for a revised custody order/arrangement. And the best way to get that evidence is to get E and W together... so they can help EACH OTHER'S case.

I don't know the evidence presented at that custody hearing, but I am guessing E was in a rough spot, was not fully able to provide for D, and A, married to W, provided an "apparently more stable environment" for D than E. Which is why E needs W's testimony to change that situation that lead to that custody arrangement.

And W needs E's testimony, as well as evidence of recorded threats, gaslighting, and other tactics from A to show that A is NOT a fit parent and can't take the infant, esp. since he's on the lam ever since a court appearance!

But that's my optimistic self talking.
posted by kschang at 8:03 PM on August 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks for the feedback! I decided to reach out to the mom myself tonight, and in the time it took me to try to get the number, anxiety and overthinking kicked in. There's just so much shittiness and trauma there!

I sent the mother a semi-anonymous text about the DUI and concern that the kid will be unattended or under the sole care of StepMom, along with a link to the booking. Or I tried. There's no guarantee the number was still good.

Even if it wasn't, with the way things are spiraling, and the step-kid already in the school's sights - things will come to a head soon. And if necessary, I'll place a CPS call to push that along. Reaching out to mom honestly felt like the best, least complicated option.

The DV part of this conversation is sort of a derail and my justification for getting involved. Excepting the safety of kids, getting out is a Process, it can take time, and Step-Mom isn't there yet. close, but not there. She (Step-Mom) is aware of the resources, has income, and multiple discussions around safety-planning. Its frustrating, but if the obvious action of reaching out to step-kids mom left me conflicted it must be a hundred times more difficult for her...
posted by bindr at 8:04 PM on August 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I'm so glad you did. I only wish you knew for certain about the text reaching the right party.

And I'm sorry; even though you led with Adam-is-an-abuser, in focusing on the daughter I didn't address legitimate concerns about your friend's safety (and your own) if you contacted the mom. If you know the school is monitoring the situation, that might be an avenue for anonymous disclosure, too, or tipping off somebody in Adam's extended family if they haven't taken against his first wife. Your friend's confided in you quite a bit. I hope she's talking other people, too, and building a strong network for when she leaves. Adam's defined absence, with stepdaughter in bio-mom's custody, might be her window of opportunity.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:20 PM on August 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Eek! Sorry for the confusion! I tried ro preserve as much privacy as possible for people whose lives are not mine!

u2604ab and Iris Gambol have it, or at least close enough.
posted by bindr at 8:20 PM on August 17, 2023

Response by poster: So... Betty has been awarded temporary custody of her daughter, after connecting with at least one of the other women harmed by Adam. I'd like to think my text helped.
posted by bindr at 7:32 PM on August 21, 2023 [6 favorites]