I want to stop counting beans
March 24, 2023 3:13 AM Subscribe
How do I stop being a bean counter in terms of keeping score in a relationship? Also a better and more supportive, less resentful partner? In the challenging context of parents to a young kid?
I have always been a bean counter when it comes to keeping track of who’s done various chores in a relationship. I like to pretend this has to do with feminism (I’m a messy woman opting out of BS labor! Which my husband then does, though….) but it’s more than that, it’s really a combination of being mad at the slightest hint of imbalance not in my favor, and also some messed up ideas about how being sick is under your control. First off, chores around household cleaning have always been hard in large part because of my adhd. In a 10+ years relationship, I have literally cleaned the bathroom <10 times. Pre-baby, though, things were roughly equitably shared, in terms of aggregate perceived effort.
The thing that has been hardest about having a kid (now 2) is when one/both parents are sick. The least sick person still has to take care of the kid! And there are impacts on work. The problem is, that person is me, like 80% of the time. I just - don’t get as sick as much as my husband and tend to recover better from things like less sleep. Growing up, I definitely got messaging around being healthy and strong as some kind of effort/virtue thing you could control. And the truth is, I’ve always somewhat judged my husband for what I perceive to be hypochondria, when really he is probably just listening to his body. I tend to be in denial until I’m actually very ill and then collapse or something. But he has, what I feel, are SOOO many colds and GI stuff and also migraines and anxiety and just, he wants to be shown tenderness and affection when he’s ill, and I’m just like - ok great so I have to do dinner AND bedtime AND do all the dishes?!! And cater to your emotional needs?!
As you can tell, I’m much more practically minded, and my husband has actually separately communicated a general desire for me to be more genuinely physically affectionate. All of which is exacerbated when he’s sick. And the thing is, when I was really nauseated and constantly vomiting during pregnancy, he was SO good about taking care of me and just cleaning the toilets constantly. I know, I know, as he should have been, but specifically, he never made me feel like a burden, even though I personally felt that way.
I’m afraid too that I’m exhibiting some real ableism here. I’ve tried somewhat to read up on that, but even though I can theoretically understand things, in the moment I’m just too resentful of the direct impact on me of increased labor. I feel like I have a hard time cultivating real empathy. And a real part of me is like, can’t you try harder to help out even if you’re not feeling great? Because it is literally a zero sum game. I know he does on some level, I absolutely trust him as a life partner - but I’m still mad that in the grand pattern of things, unless there’s some kind of major health status change or disability on my end, I will always be the default sick parent. Always!!
I anticipate some answers might be around alleviating burnout for me, but just know: we’re in a very stable financial position, I’ve already modified my work life to reduce stress, our household standards are not particularly high, and we are already tapping our support network for childcare needs as much as we can. I just want to emphasize we are definitely playing on easy mode here already. But the beans - I love counting them!
I have always been a bean counter when it comes to keeping track of who’s done various chores in a relationship. I like to pretend this has to do with feminism (I’m a messy woman opting out of BS labor! Which my husband then does, though….) but it’s more than that, it’s really a combination of being mad at the slightest hint of imbalance not in my favor, and also some messed up ideas about how being sick is under your control. First off, chores around household cleaning have always been hard in large part because of my adhd. In a 10+ years relationship, I have literally cleaned the bathroom <10 times. Pre-baby, though, things were roughly equitably shared, in terms of aggregate perceived effort.
The thing that has been hardest about having a kid (now 2) is when one/both parents are sick. The least sick person still has to take care of the kid! And there are impacts on work. The problem is, that person is me, like 80% of the time. I just - don’t get as sick as much as my husband and tend to recover better from things like less sleep. Growing up, I definitely got messaging around being healthy and strong as some kind of effort/virtue thing you could control. And the truth is, I’ve always somewhat judged my husband for what I perceive to be hypochondria, when really he is probably just listening to his body. I tend to be in denial until I’m actually very ill and then collapse or something. But he has, what I feel, are SOOO many colds and GI stuff and also migraines and anxiety and just, he wants to be shown tenderness and affection when he’s ill, and I’m just like - ok great so I have to do dinner AND bedtime AND do all the dishes?!! And cater to your emotional needs?!
As you can tell, I’m much more practically minded, and my husband has actually separately communicated a general desire for me to be more genuinely physically affectionate. All of which is exacerbated when he’s sick. And the thing is, when I was really nauseated and constantly vomiting during pregnancy, he was SO good about taking care of me and just cleaning the toilets constantly. I know, I know, as he should have been, but specifically, he never made me feel like a burden, even though I personally felt that way.
I’m afraid too that I’m exhibiting some real ableism here. I’ve tried somewhat to read up on that, but even though I can theoretically understand things, in the moment I’m just too resentful of the direct impact on me of increased labor. I feel like I have a hard time cultivating real empathy. And a real part of me is like, can’t you try harder to help out even if you’re not feeling great? Because it is literally a zero sum game. I know he does on some level, I absolutely trust him as a life partner - but I’m still mad that in the grand pattern of things, unless there’s some kind of major health status change or disability on my end, I will always be the default sick parent. Always!!
I anticipate some answers might be around alleviating burnout for me, but just know: we’re in a very stable financial position, I’ve already modified my work life to reduce stress, our household standards are not particularly high, and we are already tapping our support network for childcare needs as much as we can. I just want to emphasize we are definitely playing on easy mode here already. But the beans - I love counting them!
You can make some psychological space for you to cultivate empathy. For example, instead of automatically taking on ordinary tasks that when combined feel burdensome ("ok great so I have to do dinner AND bedtime AND do all the dishes?!! And cater to your emotional needs?!"), see which ones you can outsource from time to time. Bedtime and emotional needs aren't going anywhere, but dinner (take-out or delivery? meal prep service? a week's worth of well-made tv dinners from a local catering company for the fridge and freezer?) and dishes (hire a cleaning service to come in for a deep kitchen clean once a month for 2-3 months? do a Marie Kondo on the kitchen and part with some quantity of extraneous kitchen clutter that creates cleaning and organizing struggles?).
These are really simplistic suggestions, but they can genuinely help. I had a long period of adjustment to becoming a (step)dad in my late 20s. My partner was working his ass off and was traveling for work so often that I often felt like I was living on the set of the first half of Mr. Mom. I had no money at all and really had to stretch to make this happen, but I was so overwhelmed that from time to time I would hire a cleaner (a very nice mother and son team who I knew from my downstairs neighbor). Even two sessions of their genuinely miraculous help was enough to make space for me to use the brainpower that was usually being burned on the pyre of trying to keep up with all the chres in the day for other things. Those other things included being systematic about finding a process or flow to make a day work better when I was the sole caregiver. That meant (for instance) making a "weeknight cupboard" that had only the dishes for me, partner, and three kids. Nothing else, just a plate, bowl, fork, knife, spoon, cup for each of us. That way it was easier to make sure the kids knew the drill, and they could help by setting up, clearing away, washing, putting away everything in the weeknight copboard. That didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. And my god, it seems like such a small thing but that adds up to like hours, hours plural, every week.
So I hear you, fellow person who really struggles with resenting "the direct impact on me of increased laor" (I mean my unconscious mind could have written those words verbatim). I really do think that making space for yourself is the right way to go—don't fight your feelings, just make room for additional feelings by doing even small favors to yourself that reduce that labor from time to time.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:07 AM on March 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
These are really simplistic suggestions, but they can genuinely help. I had a long period of adjustment to becoming a (step)dad in my late 20s. My partner was working his ass off and was traveling for work so often that I often felt like I was living on the set of the first half of Mr. Mom. I had no money at all and really had to stretch to make this happen, but I was so overwhelmed that from time to time I would hire a cleaner (a very nice mother and son team who I knew from my downstairs neighbor). Even two sessions of their genuinely miraculous help was enough to make space for me to use the brainpower that was usually being burned on the pyre of trying to keep up with all the chres in the day for other things. Those other things included being systematic about finding a process or flow to make a day work better when I was the sole caregiver. That meant (for instance) making a "weeknight cupboard" that had only the dishes for me, partner, and three kids. Nothing else, just a plate, bowl, fork, knife, spoon, cup for each of us. That way it was easier to make sure the kids knew the drill, and they could help by setting up, clearing away, washing, putting away everything in the weeknight copboard. That didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. And my god, it seems like such a small thing but that adds up to like hours, hours plural, every week.
So I hear you, fellow person who really struggles with resenting "the direct impact on me of increased laor" (I mean my unconscious mind could have written those words verbatim). I really do think that making space for yourself is the right way to go—don't fight your feelings, just make room for additional feelings by doing even small favors to yourself that reduce that labor from time to time.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:07 AM on March 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
I would add that this is a problem the two of you should address together. If your partner isn't willing or able to problem solve with you around this household management issue, that is an indication that perhaps the issue here isn't you.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:26 AM on March 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 4:26 AM on March 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
I was raised in a similar manner in regard to illness being something to muscle through. What has helped me most in developing empathy and tenderness toward my own very lovely spouse is self-compassion practice.
I highly recommend this page of free self-compassion meditations from Dr. Kristin Neff.
We need to develop tenderness for ourselves first. And then turning that towards others becomes a natural next step.
Be well. You deserve to be happy and content.
posted by hilaryjade at 5:27 AM on March 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
I highly recommend this page of free self-compassion meditations from Dr. Kristin Neff.
We need to develop tenderness for ourselves first. And then turning that towards others becomes a natural next step.
Be well. You deserve to be happy and content.
posted by hilaryjade at 5:27 AM on March 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
The thing is, it sucks. Naturally you're not happy. Having a sick partner who can't pull their share of the chores really sucks.
The thing about bean counting is that it is a way of trying to deflect the suck by seeking redress. "Okay, I will clean up dinner and put the kid to bed tonight and even pretend to be happy, but that means YOU have do the kitchen clean and put the kid to bed tomorrow... whaddya mean, you are sick AGAIN?"
Bean counting started as a way of reassuring yourself that you were not being taken advantage of and that it wasn't so bad to be stuck with it today because you wouldn't be stuck with it tomorrow and it would be only fair so you don't need to feel resentment. But it backfires when doing the math only serves to show you how much it sucks. You situation is made all the worse because you basically don't love doing the little domestic things and don't find them soothing. It's much harder to cope with getting stuck with a job you didn't like in the first place.
Presumably your partner is not, in fact weaseling out of doing his share, and presumably you do not want to break up with him because he is sickly. However one thing to think about is that maybe you do want to break up with him if he is sickly. The vow was "in sickness and in health..." but at the same time people have breaking points that they can't help but cross and when they do they end up in a dysfunctional situation which is worse than no relationship at all.
So do you want to bail and would you be better off if you did? Think about it. One of you would end up with primary custody, it might be you, and if it wasn't you, would your kid be decently off with a sickly primary parent? Chances are high that breaking up would just make things worse for everyone because of all the times there wouldn't be a spare pair of hands for either of you, and the increased costs of two homes and all the rest of it. So let's say you don't want to wash your hands of it. What do?
At this point you can attempt two new mindsets. One is, "I am here because I choose to be here, and I signed up for this," and the other is "I am a freaking super hero, I got the kid to bed, the dishes washed AND I found time to do my own yoga exercises." Note that doing your own yoga exercise is a critical part of the super hero self image because if you don't make time and boundaries so that you do your own personal care and have down time from being responsible for other people you will soon feel like a doormat pretending to be a super hero and fooling no one.
Being a superhero is exhausting so I recommend leaning in on the first mindset a lot more than the superhero one. You could of course leave the dishes and not make time to be supportive and sympathetic to the sick spouse. But if you leave the dishes then you wake up to a kitchen that makes you miserable and you risk skipping breakfast and feeling worse. So the sympathetic to the sick spouse is perhaps the better thing to drop from your chore list.
Talk to the guy. I can leave the dishes for you or I can play nurse and get you comfortable. What do you prefer? I can bring the kid in here with your migraine and let you read to them by the dim light of your phone, or I can do the entire bed time routine, but then I am going to have to do some kick boxing to work off the stress so you are going to have to put up with some serious thumping and banging. Which is going to be easier on you?
Look for ways to lower your standards. When you are deathly ill, supper is apt to turn into bread and margarine eating standing in the kitchen while waiting for the kettle to boil and then staggering back to bed with hot tea and a full hot water bottle. When he is sick you and the kid can do bread and butter for supper. Keeping up with doing the same amount of work as when there are two healthy parents doesn't make sense. It leads to burn out. It's definitely not good to do crackers for supper every night but when someone is chronically ill it may be necessary because forcing yourself to keep up to the standards of a good two parent household is unrealistic. Better three nights of a proper supper and four nights of crackers, then five nights of a proper supper and two nights of no supper at all.
The chores you drop should be the ones that lead to more chores. Not cooking means not having to do dishes. When the spouse is sick, or you are sick the whole family can go on the sick person's nourishment routines. Turn the lights down so you don't see the mess and a run to the bathroom won't trigger him puking from exposure to the light , talk softly to your child and put everyone into pajamas early.
Comparisons are odious, but maybe it could help to compare the situation to something different. Right now the comparison is to days when your partner isn't sick and the happy child free single life. Compare having a sick partner to being a single parent. Compare having your current life with the life of a married couple with a kid your age in Ukraine. Compare your current life to the same one, only your spouse can't work or do house chores at all. Compare your current life to one where you and your spouse are resentful and feel no affection for each other. Compare to if you were constantly getting sick and couldn't do anything you wanted to, were always desperately playing catch up at work and failing, and if your spouse was suspecting you of hypochondria.
The fact is, your spouse has broken a compact he made with you. He was supposed to be the primary household caretaker and the one who was good at the domestic stuff. He was supposed to be reliable! You need to grieve. Feeling sad and abandoned is appropriate. But he didn't promise to be immortal. And he didn't play a bait and switch game on you. He's still trying to be a caretaker and domestic participant, right? He's utterly miserable in a darkened room, or on the couch tranked up on antihistamines? It's hard enough raising a kid with two healthy functional parents, a couple of allo-parents and a paid cleaner. You're doing it with one and a half parents and no cleaner. You're ruminating beans because the situation is indigestible.
If your spouse is sick, that may be disrupting your sleep. Look into that. Things might feel better if you got an extra hour or two of sleep every night. Early bed for everyone on days when you are flying solo might be a good idea if you can swing it.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:29 AM on March 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
The thing about bean counting is that it is a way of trying to deflect the suck by seeking redress. "Okay, I will clean up dinner and put the kid to bed tonight and even pretend to be happy, but that means YOU have do the kitchen clean and put the kid to bed tomorrow... whaddya mean, you are sick AGAIN?"
Bean counting started as a way of reassuring yourself that you were not being taken advantage of and that it wasn't so bad to be stuck with it today because you wouldn't be stuck with it tomorrow and it would be only fair so you don't need to feel resentment. But it backfires when doing the math only serves to show you how much it sucks. You situation is made all the worse because you basically don't love doing the little domestic things and don't find them soothing. It's much harder to cope with getting stuck with a job you didn't like in the first place.
Presumably your partner is not, in fact weaseling out of doing his share, and presumably you do not want to break up with him because he is sickly. However one thing to think about is that maybe you do want to break up with him if he is sickly. The vow was "in sickness and in health..." but at the same time people have breaking points that they can't help but cross and when they do they end up in a dysfunctional situation which is worse than no relationship at all.
So do you want to bail and would you be better off if you did? Think about it. One of you would end up with primary custody, it might be you, and if it wasn't you, would your kid be decently off with a sickly primary parent? Chances are high that breaking up would just make things worse for everyone because of all the times there wouldn't be a spare pair of hands for either of you, and the increased costs of two homes and all the rest of it. So let's say you don't want to wash your hands of it. What do?
At this point you can attempt two new mindsets. One is, "I am here because I choose to be here, and I signed up for this," and the other is "I am a freaking super hero, I got the kid to bed, the dishes washed AND I found time to do my own yoga exercises." Note that doing your own yoga exercise is a critical part of the super hero self image because if you don't make time and boundaries so that you do your own personal care and have down time from being responsible for other people you will soon feel like a doormat pretending to be a super hero and fooling no one.
Being a superhero is exhausting so I recommend leaning in on the first mindset a lot more than the superhero one. You could of course leave the dishes and not make time to be supportive and sympathetic to the sick spouse. But if you leave the dishes then you wake up to a kitchen that makes you miserable and you risk skipping breakfast and feeling worse. So the sympathetic to the sick spouse is perhaps the better thing to drop from your chore list.
Talk to the guy. I can leave the dishes for you or I can play nurse and get you comfortable. What do you prefer? I can bring the kid in here with your migraine and let you read to them by the dim light of your phone, or I can do the entire bed time routine, but then I am going to have to do some kick boxing to work off the stress so you are going to have to put up with some serious thumping and banging. Which is going to be easier on you?
Look for ways to lower your standards. When you are deathly ill, supper is apt to turn into bread and margarine eating standing in the kitchen while waiting for the kettle to boil and then staggering back to bed with hot tea and a full hot water bottle. When he is sick you and the kid can do bread and butter for supper. Keeping up with doing the same amount of work as when there are two healthy parents doesn't make sense. It leads to burn out. It's definitely not good to do crackers for supper every night but when someone is chronically ill it may be necessary because forcing yourself to keep up to the standards of a good two parent household is unrealistic. Better three nights of a proper supper and four nights of crackers, then five nights of a proper supper and two nights of no supper at all.
The chores you drop should be the ones that lead to more chores. Not cooking means not having to do dishes. When the spouse is sick, or you are sick the whole family can go on the sick person's nourishment routines. Turn the lights down so you don't see the mess and a run to the bathroom won't trigger him puking from exposure to the light , talk softly to your child and put everyone into pajamas early.
Comparisons are odious, but maybe it could help to compare the situation to something different. Right now the comparison is to days when your partner isn't sick and the happy child free single life. Compare having a sick partner to being a single parent. Compare having your current life with the life of a married couple with a kid your age in Ukraine. Compare your current life to the same one, only your spouse can't work or do house chores at all. Compare your current life to one where you and your spouse are resentful and feel no affection for each other. Compare to if you were constantly getting sick and couldn't do anything you wanted to, were always desperately playing catch up at work and failing, and if your spouse was suspecting you of hypochondria.
The fact is, your spouse has broken a compact he made with you. He was supposed to be the primary household caretaker and the one who was good at the domestic stuff. He was supposed to be reliable! You need to grieve. Feeling sad and abandoned is appropriate. But he didn't promise to be immortal. And he didn't play a bait and switch game on you. He's still trying to be a caretaker and domestic participant, right? He's utterly miserable in a darkened room, or on the couch tranked up on antihistamines? It's hard enough raising a kid with two healthy functional parents, a couple of allo-parents and a paid cleaner. You're doing it with one and a half parents and no cleaner. You're ruminating beans because the situation is indigestible.
If your spouse is sick, that may be disrupting your sleep. Look into that. Things might feel better if you got an extra hour or two of sleep every night. Early bed for everyone on days when you are flying solo might be a good idea if you can swing it.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:29 AM on March 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
I’ve been an adult who was single and sick many times in my life. Sometimes I’ve need help and support from others (febrile malaria! After surgery!) but also adults can manage a lot of illnesses on their own (which is an extra good plan so they don’t pass it along to others). In advance he can make sure the house has medication, tissues, cleaning supplies, paper plates and cutlery, ginger ale, whatever etc so that when someone is sick, it’s not as much of a hit.
This then allows you to take care of the kid and treat it like he’s out for the evening hanging out with friends. And then when he’s better, take a night to go and hang out with your friends!
And part of the problem with bean counting is that often times you’re not doing it well. You’ve said yourself you’ve likely cleaned the bathroom less than 10 times in your relationship? Ok, so that’s an area where you’re clearly undercounting your husband’s labor. Maybe doing something like the “Fair Play” method would help lay out what everyone is doing and clarifying if anyone is pulling more weight or not.
posted by raccoon409 at 5:46 AM on March 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
This then allows you to take care of the kid and treat it like he’s out for the evening hanging out with friends. And then when he’s better, take a night to go and hang out with your friends!
And part of the problem with bean counting is that often times you’re not doing it well. You’ve said yourself you’ve likely cleaned the bathroom less than 10 times in your relationship? Ok, so that’s an area where you’re clearly undercounting your husband’s labor. Maybe doing something like the “Fair Play” method would help lay out what everyone is doing and clarifying if anyone is pulling more weight or not.
posted by raccoon409 at 5:46 AM on March 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
This seems like it might be a couples counseling matter? That is, you are feeling taken advantage of by your partner’s health needs and you’re asking for help not to feel that way. And your partner is an integral part of that situation, and should be involved in the solution — all you can do without their involvement is suck it up and power through.
If they’re on board, you might be able to do some detailed problem solving that gets both your needs met — not that this specifically will work, but maybe while his instinct is to collapse completely when he feels bad, once he knows that this is a real problem for you, there might be some component of the daily routine that he can keep up even when he’s ill that would make the rest of the extra you’re picking up feel like less? Something particular like that, but I think it’s going to be hard to get to it without a neutral third party.
But the dynamic you describe, where one partner is both being practically unhelpful (even with good reasons!) and is sucking up emotional support and affection at the same time (with the same good reasons!), is very hard and you’re not a bad person for being unhappy about it. I had a period of time like that when I was married, and we would have been much better off, I think, if we’d gotten some help getting through it.
posted by LizardBreath at 5:48 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
If they’re on board, you might be able to do some detailed problem solving that gets both your needs met — not that this specifically will work, but maybe while his instinct is to collapse completely when he feels bad, once he knows that this is a real problem for you, there might be some component of the daily routine that he can keep up even when he’s ill that would make the rest of the extra you’re picking up feel like less? Something particular like that, but I think it’s going to be hard to get to it without a neutral third party.
But the dynamic you describe, where one partner is both being practically unhelpful (even with good reasons!) and is sucking up emotional support and affection at the same time (with the same good reasons!), is very hard and you’re not a bad person for being unhappy about it. I had a period of time like that when I was married, and we would have been much better off, I think, if we’d gotten some help getting through it.
posted by LizardBreath at 5:48 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Perhaps what your feelings are saying isn't just, "Why do I always have to take care of you?" but, "Why do I always have to take care of you, when no one takes care of me?" And my hope is that by addressing the second part of the statement, the sting from the first part will fade.
I think the key here is not just to cultivate more empathy for your husband, but to also cultivate more empathy for yourself. I also grew up with a lot of messaging around "powering through," that health and illness was a question of willpower, and — crucially — that I should not have needs, either emotionally or physically. Could this be you, too? (I hear an echo of that reflected in your statement about feeling like a burden the one time you were physically ill, during pregnancy.)
Often when things feel unfair in my relationship, or I feel overtaxed, it's not about the actual Doing of the Thing, but about what meaning I attach to it every time I do it: "I'm the one who always has to pick up the slack," "if I don't handle this, no one will," "I can't drop the ball because no one's got my back," etc. — things which aren't necessarily true but feel true because I haven't tested out what would happen if I did things differently, and didn't put so much pressure on myself to take care of everything in the household.
Could you start finding those moments where you do need more care, and listen to that voice — either by giving it to yourself, or asking for it from your husband? (It sounds like he took good care of you while you were pregnant, so I think the intention is there on his side: could you even out the scales just by asking for more?) Giving care to yourself might look like letting your standards slip a little about doing chores "well," or up to a certain standard. Asking for care from him might look like accepting more affection and coddling from him when you're feeling ill, or even just having a bad day. Or accepting physical, practical aid from him, when you're tired, or would appreciate help or company with household tasks (even if you feel you don't "need" it).
For me, asking for care and help felt needy and uncomfortable for a long time — okay let's be honest it still does feel this way — because it involves ignoring a lot of messaging from my childhood. But it's helped a lot to relieve the emotional pressure on what I thought were practical problems of logistics or workload distribution.
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 6:31 AM on March 24, 2023 [10 favorites]
I think the key here is not just to cultivate more empathy for your husband, but to also cultivate more empathy for yourself. I also grew up with a lot of messaging around "powering through," that health and illness was a question of willpower, and — crucially — that I should not have needs, either emotionally or physically. Could this be you, too? (I hear an echo of that reflected in your statement about feeling like a burden the one time you were physically ill, during pregnancy.)
Often when things feel unfair in my relationship, or I feel overtaxed, it's not about the actual Doing of the Thing, but about what meaning I attach to it every time I do it: "I'm the one who always has to pick up the slack," "if I don't handle this, no one will," "I can't drop the ball because no one's got my back," etc. — things which aren't necessarily true but feel true because I haven't tested out what would happen if I did things differently, and didn't put so much pressure on myself to take care of everything in the household.
Could you start finding those moments where you do need more care, and listen to that voice — either by giving it to yourself, or asking for it from your husband? (It sounds like he took good care of you while you were pregnant, so I think the intention is there on his side: could you even out the scales just by asking for more?) Giving care to yourself might look like letting your standards slip a little about doing chores "well," or up to a certain standard. Asking for care from him might look like accepting more affection and coddling from him when you're feeling ill, or even just having a bad day. Or accepting physical, practical aid from him, when you're tired, or would appreciate help or company with household tasks (even if you feel you don't "need" it).
For me, asking for care and help felt needy and uncomfortable for a long time — okay let's be honest it still does feel this way — because it involves ignoring a lot of messaging from my childhood. But it's helped a lot to relieve the emotional pressure on what I thought were practical problems of logistics or workload distribution.
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 6:31 AM on March 24, 2023 [10 favorites]
My first thought was that you need more household help. If you're financially able and cleaning is something that causes resentment for either partner, a housecleaning service is a great way to nip that in the bud. Yes, someone still has to be the primary contact for the cleaning service, but that's a smaller job than bathrooms and (shudder) regular vacuuming. Meal services and takeout are your friend. Canned soup is your friend. Get yourself some breathing room.
Other folks have great further suggestions about how to talk to yourself and your spouse about the empathy/care/resentment burden once that's in place. And maybe talking to your partner will give you more relief than you think! It's never great to feel like the scorekeeper, the selfish partner, the one who "normally" does less, but maybe let your partner explain how that looks from their side.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 6:46 AM on March 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
Other folks have great further suggestions about how to talk to yourself and your spouse about the empathy/care/resentment burden once that's in place. And maybe talking to your partner will give you more relief than you think! It's never great to feel like the scorekeeper, the selfish partner, the one who "normally" does less, but maybe let your partner explain how that looks from their side.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 6:46 AM on March 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
I hired a cleaning service and that helped so much with my bean counting. When there wasn't TOO MUCH TO DO, I didn't care so much who was doing what.
The root of it is when I get overwhelmed and exhausted I get irritated and start looking for someone to blame, so I start keeping score. I hate when I do that because suddenly I'm feeling resentful about everything and I have a running tally in my head to be angry about all the time.
Also some therapy. If you struggle to ask for what you need, and have some unhealthy notions from childhood about caring for your body vs your home and family, therapy would help.
posted by CleverClover at 7:30 AM on March 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
The root of it is when I get overwhelmed and exhausted I get irritated and start looking for someone to blame, so I start keeping score. I hate when I do that because suddenly I'm feeling resentful about everything and I have a running tally in my head to be angry about all the time.
Also some therapy. If you struggle to ask for what you need, and have some unhealthy notions from childhood about caring for your body vs your home and family, therapy would help.
posted by CleverClover at 7:30 AM on March 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
One other thing to keep in mind: the worst of this dynamic may really be a short-term problem. With a 2-year-old, you are *really* in the thick of it when either parent has to caretake while sick, plus kids under about 4 tend to get sick more often if they are in any kind of preschool or school setting. Caring for a sick 5+ year-old is worlds easier, especially if you have flexible standards around things like screen time while ill.
I do think you need to talk through troubleshooting this recurring situation with your husband in a non-judgmental way that's focused on preparation and having a better game-plan (which it sounds like you haven't broached), but I don't want you to feel like things will always be all-consuming whenever illness strikes the family.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 7:34 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
I do think you need to talk through troubleshooting this recurring situation with your husband in a non-judgmental way that's focused on preparation and having a better game-plan (which it sounds like you haven't broached), but I don't want you to feel like things will always be all-consuming whenever illness strikes the family.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 7:34 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Growing up, I definitely got messaging around being healthy and strong as some kind of effort/virtue thing you could control.
Oh god. I have this history too and I have a partner who seems to get ill a lot more often, and in a way that impacts us more often. With me, I think there's a certain amount of resentment and even jealousy that he "gets to" pay more attention to his body and symptoms. The thing is, in my case I could do that as well, if I wanted to, because we don't have kids and we don't have what you aptly call a zero sum game in the way that you do if you have kids. Either of us could actually just spend the day in bed without putting the other out too much. For me, the main issue with this is a feeling that he gets his needs met and I don't, so much. I try to deal with this by being very direct when I need something, and also considering whether there are needs I am not so much aware of having, or things that in my family culture would not be okay to ask for. Because I do think it may be in large part a matter of the family culture that I (and maybe you, too) have come from and maybe this is worth interrogating, especially as you have started your own family?
posted by BibiRose at 7:37 AM on March 24, 2023
Oh god. I have this history too and I have a partner who seems to get ill a lot more often, and in a way that impacts us more often. With me, I think there's a certain amount of resentment and even jealousy that he "gets to" pay more attention to his body and symptoms. The thing is, in my case I could do that as well, if I wanted to, because we don't have kids and we don't have what you aptly call a zero sum game in the way that you do if you have kids. Either of us could actually just spend the day in bed without putting the other out too much. For me, the main issue with this is a feeling that he gets his needs met and I don't, so much. I try to deal with this by being very direct when I need something, and also considering whether there are needs I am not so much aware of having, or things that in my family culture would not be okay to ask for. Because I do think it may be in large part a matter of the family culture that I (and maybe you, too) have come from and maybe this is worth interrogating, especially as you have started your own family?
posted by BibiRose at 7:37 AM on March 24, 2023
I tend to be in denial until I’m actually very ill and then collapse or something.
when I was really nauseated and constantly vomiting during pregnancy, he was SO good about taking care of me and just cleaning the toilets constantly.
These two bits really caught my eye. It sounds like when your husband realizes you don't feel well, he can be great at taking care of you, which is good! But you still feel like you're carrying more of the burden because whoever is the least sick is in charge. Then there's the added complication that you also ignore you're ill until it's really bad.
I didn't get the same kind of messaging you did as a child, but I still have that tendency to ignore a lot until I can't. And if I'm ignoring something, how can someone else pick up on that? So I started trying to vocalize not feeling well a bit more. 1) It helped me realize and acknowledge that I should take it easy* and 2) It helped cue my husband that I wasn't feeling well.
Especially at first, there was still a mismatch with my husband: he'd hear me say I'm not feeling well and it sounded like his "meh" when it was my "I'm not quite dying, but I'm getting there." But then one time we got sick in sequence, me first then him, and when I said something to the effect of "Oh I'm sorry, I must have given that to you, that's how I felt yesterday," it clicked for him that I still feel really crummy even if I'm not showing that/he's not seeing that. On balance now I'd say he's way better at being the caretaker than I am.
So I'm wondering if some of the bean counting could be helped if you start being more vocal when you're not feeling great. Even if it's tired, anxious, the very start of what could be a cold. It'll help you start to acknowledge you need to take it easy. If your husband starts to hear "Oh, she's also not feeling great" then he can mentally prepare to push through longer. Even if he winds up being sicker at some point and has to drop out, if he pushes through longer your default time is a bit less and you feel less imbalance.
*Sometimes the words come out of my mouth before my brain has acknowledge I'm not feeling well. It's weird! And that is usually a sign I'm being hit hard and fast by something.
posted by ghost phoneme at 7:52 AM on March 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
when I was really nauseated and constantly vomiting during pregnancy, he was SO good about taking care of me and just cleaning the toilets constantly.
These two bits really caught my eye. It sounds like when your husband realizes you don't feel well, he can be great at taking care of you, which is good! But you still feel like you're carrying more of the burden because whoever is the least sick is in charge. Then there's the added complication that you also ignore you're ill until it's really bad.
I didn't get the same kind of messaging you did as a child, but I still have that tendency to ignore a lot until I can't. And if I'm ignoring something, how can someone else pick up on that? So I started trying to vocalize not feeling well a bit more. 1) It helped me realize and acknowledge that I should take it easy* and 2) It helped cue my husband that I wasn't feeling well.
Especially at first, there was still a mismatch with my husband: he'd hear me say I'm not feeling well and it sounded like his "meh" when it was my "I'm not quite dying, but I'm getting there." But then one time we got sick in sequence, me first then him, and when I said something to the effect of "Oh I'm sorry, I must have given that to you, that's how I felt yesterday," it clicked for him that I still feel really crummy even if I'm not showing that/he's not seeing that. On balance now I'd say he's way better at being the caretaker than I am.
So I'm wondering if some of the bean counting could be helped if you start being more vocal when you're not feeling great. Even if it's tired, anxious, the very start of what could be a cold. It'll help you start to acknowledge you need to take it easy. If your husband starts to hear "Oh, she's also not feeling great" then he can mentally prepare to push through longer. Even if he winds up being sicker at some point and has to drop out, if he pushes through longer your default time is a bit less and you feel less imbalance.
*Sometimes the words come out of my mouth before my brain has acknowledge I'm not feeling well. It's weird! And that is usually a sign I'm being hit hard and fast by something.
posted by ghost phoneme at 7:52 AM on March 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
I feel like you could alleviate a lot of the overthinking if the two of you would - in a calm, healthy moment - talk about HOW to talk about it when these things happen. Come up with a shared vocabulary so y'all can use your words and not just operate on unspoken assumptions.
And yes, I think he CAN try harder. People can be sick and even focusing on rest but still capable of doing at least critical chores to an acceptable quality - and this becomes even more non-negotiable when you have a child. You have to get on the field even if you're hurt sometimes. Unless he's reeling with nausea or trapped in the bathroom, he can deal with some laundry or even just couch surf and find entertainments for the kiddo while you do the fast-moving stuff.
But you have to have words and techniques for splitting that work up in the moment, and you can't define them in the moment. So in a calm time maybe go for a walk-and-talk and ask him for help figuring this out so that it's not spiking your anxiety in the moment. It's a win for everybody in the end - this is teamwork, not a fight. I think you do need to be gentle about the need for a change, as in try not to "you always" and "I have to" and come around more like "can we talk through an assessment of what you feel you could be capable of, because things are different now with a mobile child". I think if you present this as something that is generating increasing anxiety on your side for which you are also seeking accommodation, there is room to do this as problem-solving rather than a conflict.
As for some of the other stuff, you should find a way to increase your hug counts. Your kid needs it, your partner needs it, your own nervous system actually needs it. That may mean you need to start by incorporating it into routines - my husband and I always have a big hug once we're both up in the morning, we also try to have some snuggling or hand-holding when we're in bed winding down to sleep. And, honestly, it'd probably be a lot easier to hug and comfort him when he doesn't feel well but is also still trying to do what he reasonably can.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:45 AM on March 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
And yes, I think he CAN try harder. People can be sick and even focusing on rest but still capable of doing at least critical chores to an acceptable quality - and this becomes even more non-negotiable when you have a child. You have to get on the field even if you're hurt sometimes. Unless he's reeling with nausea or trapped in the bathroom, he can deal with some laundry or even just couch surf and find entertainments for the kiddo while you do the fast-moving stuff.
But you have to have words and techniques for splitting that work up in the moment, and you can't define them in the moment. So in a calm time maybe go for a walk-and-talk and ask him for help figuring this out so that it's not spiking your anxiety in the moment. It's a win for everybody in the end - this is teamwork, not a fight. I think you do need to be gentle about the need for a change, as in try not to "you always" and "I have to" and come around more like "can we talk through an assessment of what you feel you could be capable of, because things are different now with a mobile child". I think if you present this as something that is generating increasing anxiety on your side for which you are also seeking accommodation, there is room to do this as problem-solving rather than a conflict.
As for some of the other stuff, you should find a way to increase your hug counts. Your kid needs it, your partner needs it, your own nervous system actually needs it. That may mean you need to start by incorporating it into routines - my husband and I always have a big hug once we're both up in the morning, we also try to have some snuggling or hand-holding when we're in bed winding down to sleep. And, honestly, it'd probably be a lot easier to hug and comfort him when he doesn't feel well but is also still trying to do what he reasonably can.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:45 AM on March 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
As a migraineur, just wanted to say that I think it would be good to proceed with caution about advice for the sick person to do a little more while he is sick with a migraine. Migraines, especially when coupled with mental health disorders like anxiety, can easily double down into a series of days or weeks of migraines if you push yourself to skip parts of the treatment protocol. (Ask me how I know :( ) The balance between a bit of stress relief now by sucking it up versus making it way more likely that the migraine will recur again later that week is def something to consider, maybe with a doctor, neurologist, or therapist who is familiar.
I think the fact that you recognize this problem with your family right now means that you have the capacity to improve things. Part of that maybe means changing the anger and frustration to direct it at a better, more accurate target, like the systems that make life so stressful and isolated that people can't take time to be sick, and that make raising a young child so hard. I think we have less control over structural problems like that than we do over individual choices, so it feels worse in many ways. Accepting that life is kind of shitty for reasons outside of our control might help you find more patience and kindness within that larger truth for yourself and your family, though.
posted by lizard music at 10:01 AM on March 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
I think the fact that you recognize this problem with your family right now means that you have the capacity to improve things. Part of that maybe means changing the anger and frustration to direct it at a better, more accurate target, like the systems that make life so stressful and isolated that people can't take time to be sick, and that make raising a young child so hard. I think we have less control over structural problems like that than we do over individual choices, so it feels worse in many ways. Accepting that life is kind of shitty for reasons outside of our control might help you find more patience and kindness within that larger truth for yourself and your family, though.
posted by lizard music at 10:01 AM on March 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
You have identified the problem, allowed yourself to feel then think through your emotions, found the empathy to know your resentment isn't totally fair and isn't useful, and come up with the solution, which is that for the sake of your marriage, you need to stop. So now it's time for you to stop! You're really far on this journey - last step!
I'm assuming your spouse really is great, I'm not trying to gaslight you away from a reaction that is totally reasonable if it's reasonable, but: The way to end your negative response to this is to change your reaction. Emotions are the way we experience the world, but they are not always leading us to the optimal way to react. Of course we feel anger and frustration when it all ends up falling on us, but after acknowledging the feelings of unfairness - I remind myself that I didn't marry my spouse for their ability to do half the chores. I remind myself that if my spouse was gone, I'd have to do all these things still. I remind myself that days have passed and will come to pass where I will be unable to carry my part of the load, and my partner will step up for me.
I can't figure out how to say this so it doesn't sound batshit, but my "hack" for this is sometimes I try to love people in the way I love my cat for a little while when they can't embody their normal role.
Normally my husband and I love each other as partners in responsibility for the life we've built together.
But if he's struggling and he's not holding up his part of the bargain, if I continue to hold him to my standard of "Partner", he will fail. Then I will be angry and resentful and I will descend into rumination about being a WIFE who is doing IT ALL while pretending to be supportive. This is not an enjoyable headspace for me and isn't fair to my husband and isn't even true.
So instead, I pivot and love him in the way I love my orange cat, who adds burdens to my life and has never helped with anything, yet I have been unconditionally overjoyed to see him every day for 15 years.
It's not sustainable, but it can soothe me through a tough patch because I know my husband is a good partner, not a cat, and will bounce back and reassume his responsibilites. Its just an easy way for me to remind myself I am capable of unconditional love while being supportive is required.
(Make sure you talk this out when you're both feeling good one day - he should understand that the extra burden on you when he needs to opt out is hard for you to handle and perhaps asking for both the rest time AND increased physical affection isn't going to be possible simultaneously because you feel overwhelmed carrying more load while he recuperates - you consistently stepping up when he doesn't feel good is an act of love and he should see and feel it even if it's not his specific "love language".)
posted by euphoria066 at 10:19 AM on March 24, 2023 [9 favorites]
I'm assuming your spouse really is great, I'm not trying to gaslight you away from a reaction that is totally reasonable if it's reasonable, but: The way to end your negative response to this is to change your reaction. Emotions are the way we experience the world, but they are not always leading us to the optimal way to react. Of course we feel anger and frustration when it all ends up falling on us, but after acknowledging the feelings of unfairness - I remind myself that I didn't marry my spouse for their ability to do half the chores. I remind myself that if my spouse was gone, I'd have to do all these things still. I remind myself that days have passed and will come to pass where I will be unable to carry my part of the load, and my partner will step up for me.
I can't figure out how to say this so it doesn't sound batshit, but my "hack" for this is sometimes I try to love people in the way I love my cat for a little while when they can't embody their normal role.
Normally my husband and I love each other as partners in responsibility for the life we've built together.
But if he's struggling and he's not holding up his part of the bargain, if I continue to hold him to my standard of "Partner", he will fail. Then I will be angry and resentful and I will descend into rumination about being a WIFE who is doing IT ALL while pretending to be supportive. This is not an enjoyable headspace for me and isn't fair to my husband and isn't even true.
So instead, I pivot and love him in the way I love my orange cat, who adds burdens to my life and has never helped with anything, yet I have been unconditionally overjoyed to see him every day for 15 years.
It's not sustainable, but it can soothe me through a tough patch because I know my husband is a good partner, not a cat, and will bounce back and reassume his responsibilites. Its just an easy way for me to remind myself I am capable of unconditional love while being supportive is required.
(Make sure you talk this out when you're both feeling good one day - he should understand that the extra burden on you when he needs to opt out is hard for you to handle and perhaps asking for both the rest time AND increased physical affection isn't going to be possible simultaneously because you feel overwhelmed carrying more load while he recuperates - you consistently stepping up when he doesn't feel good is an act of love and he should see and feel it even if it's not his specific "love language".)
posted by euphoria066 at 10:19 AM on March 24, 2023 [9 favorites]
I feel like I have a hard time cultivating real empathy. And a real part of me is like, can’t you try harder to help out even if you’re not feeling great? Because it is literally a zero sum game.
I know those feelings so well. And although it really will get better as your child gets a bit older, it is tough, man.
I agree with so much of the advice here.
Practical: Takeout, help, etc. I have a few special EASY meals for those times that I keep stocked, like canned pea soup + frozen garlic bread. That's when I order in, too. One of my friends always uses paper plates when she's a parent down. Also, eggs, toast, and peas is a meal.
Emotional: I really agree with the advice to compare the situation to worse situations, not ideal situations.
Another way to look at it is that you are modelling a different way to do things to your 2 year old. I too grew up in a "deal with it" household and ended up hospitalized for it more than once. I consciously have tried to model differently for my kids, to show them how I care for my husband and he for me.
This part I think is worth discussing with your husband the next time he's recovered: unless there’s some kind of major health status change or disability on my end, I will always be the default sick parent. Always!!
I don't think that has to be The Way. I think you two can agree on protocols together. I am the default parent for the same reasons as you. Remember that's there's 'normal' 'sick' and 'after.' Maybe the two of you can work on the after.
One of our "refill" protocols is that sometimes when we've had a bad patch of whatever life has brought, my spouse encourages me to take a weekend off in some way - when we can afford it or it's camping season sometime I literally go away. If we can't then I at least take a day to go wander downtown on an adult schedule. Because maybe my well operates differently from his, but I do need to fill it. (Similarly he goes on retreats too.)
posted by warriorqueen at 10:31 AM on March 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
I know those feelings so well. And although it really will get better as your child gets a bit older, it is tough, man.
I agree with so much of the advice here.
Practical: Takeout, help, etc. I have a few special EASY meals for those times that I keep stocked, like canned pea soup + frozen garlic bread. That's when I order in, too. One of my friends always uses paper plates when she's a parent down. Also, eggs, toast, and peas is a meal.
Emotional: I really agree with the advice to compare the situation to worse situations, not ideal situations.
Another way to look at it is that you are modelling a different way to do things to your 2 year old. I too grew up in a "deal with it" household and ended up hospitalized for it more than once. I consciously have tried to model differently for my kids, to show them how I care for my husband and he for me.
This part I think is worth discussing with your husband the next time he's recovered: unless there’s some kind of major health status change or disability on my end, I will always be the default sick parent. Always!!
I don't think that has to be The Way. I think you two can agree on protocols together. I am the default parent for the same reasons as you. Remember that's there's 'normal' 'sick' and 'after.' Maybe the two of you can work on the after.
One of our "refill" protocols is that sometimes when we've had a bad patch of whatever life has brought, my spouse encourages me to take a weekend off in some way - when we can afford it or it's camping season sometime I literally go away. If we can't then I at least take a day to go wander downtown on an adult schedule. Because maybe my well operates differently from his, but I do need to fill it. (Similarly he goes on retreats too.)
posted by warriorqueen at 10:31 AM on March 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
You may or may not have bigger issues, but I just want you to know - if this is your first baby you don't know this yet - right now, and for the next year or so, is as hard as is gets in terms of child-chore work.
I don't need to list the reasons why this is so. You know how it is now. But by age 4 kid will be able to be by themself in their room for a bit; will be out of diapers; will be able to let you know if something is wrong; be able to not pop up and head into your bedroom to wake you like a jack-in-the-box at 5am on a Sunday morning...
So just as you're deciding what advice to take, keep in mind that it won't be like this always. One day at a time. And don't wish it away, babyhood goes so fast anyway. Just do everything you can to make the household easier (husband sick, whimpers for babying? Order a pizza for dinner and read everyone a story instead of cooking; this is a nicer evening for everyone anyhow) and remember the goal is to make it through this tough part without damaging your marriage.
(That said, I agree with the posters who pointed out that your husband needs to do what he can to deal with his issues. Migraines? He probably can't do much about that. Anxiety? Sorry, that doesn't count as an excuse to not do one's part of the necessary household work.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:42 AM on March 24, 2023
I don't need to list the reasons why this is so. You know how it is now. But by age 4 kid will be able to be by themself in their room for a bit; will be out of diapers; will be able to let you know if something is wrong; be able to not pop up and head into your bedroom to wake you like a jack-in-the-box at 5am on a Sunday morning...
So just as you're deciding what advice to take, keep in mind that it won't be like this always. One day at a time. And don't wish it away, babyhood goes so fast anyway. Just do everything you can to make the household easier (husband sick, whimpers for babying? Order a pizza for dinner and read everyone a story instead of cooking; this is a nicer evening for everyone anyhow) and remember the goal is to make it through this tough part without damaging your marriage.
(That said, I agree with the posters who pointed out that your husband needs to do what he can to deal with his issues. Migraines? He probably can't do much about that. Anxiety? Sorry, that doesn't count as an excuse to not do one's part of the necessary household work.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:42 AM on March 24, 2023
Hmm. It’s “easy” to take care of someone when they’re visibly sick— vomiting, coughing, blah blah. It’s great that he was there for you during your bad illnesses, when you were incontrovertibly nonfunctional.
But I have a feeling your feelings aren’t really betraying you here. Men DO have a tendency (inasmuch as it’s been studied) to assume their obligations, minor illnesses, etc. take precedence over household duties. Personally, I do think that as adults we should be in touch with when our aches and pains mean “rest will benefit me, I really need rest” vs. “I don’t feel so great, would be awesome to just veg out for a few days.”
A migraine requires rest, both because it’s highly uncomfortable and not resting can make it much worse. A cold, less so. Throwing out your back, yes, rest. Aches and pains… you have a kiddo, unfortunately you gotta deal with it. Bodies aren’t THAT fragile. There needs to be some wisdom and discernment.
Anyway, I agree that it’s good to cultivate empathy for your husband and yourself when sick. But your resentment is probably telling you something significant here. I’m a big fan of women listening to their feelings about household inequities because statistically, they’re usually on point.
Honestly, neither my partner nor I clean the bathroom with any frequency and the bathroom looks great. I’m not accusing your husband of this directly, but in research men ALSO have a tendency to overvalue themselves doing chores that are pleasant and largely unnecessary, things that won’t make the household fall apart if they aren’t tended to. Cleaning the bathroom has approximately zero urgency behind it unless there’s been a mess of some kind. It sounds like you’re too often on the hook for the “must do”s, while he’s doing things that are easy to do on his own schedule. (Or rare, like caring for you while pregnant.)
It’s much more stressful to be on top of the day in / day out stuff, holding back the tide of chaos. Things no one will call you a hero for. For the record, I’m in a herero relationship that doesn’t always follow these trends so sorry if I’m stereotyping, it just might be a good idea to give your feelings some space and take them seriously for awhile / validate them and see what comes of it.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:20 AM on March 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
But I have a feeling your feelings aren’t really betraying you here. Men DO have a tendency (inasmuch as it’s been studied) to assume their obligations, minor illnesses, etc. take precedence over household duties. Personally, I do think that as adults we should be in touch with when our aches and pains mean “rest will benefit me, I really need rest” vs. “I don’t feel so great, would be awesome to just veg out for a few days.”
A migraine requires rest, both because it’s highly uncomfortable and not resting can make it much worse. A cold, less so. Throwing out your back, yes, rest. Aches and pains… you have a kiddo, unfortunately you gotta deal with it. Bodies aren’t THAT fragile. There needs to be some wisdom and discernment.
Anyway, I agree that it’s good to cultivate empathy for your husband and yourself when sick. But your resentment is probably telling you something significant here. I’m a big fan of women listening to their feelings about household inequities because statistically, they’re usually on point.
Honestly, neither my partner nor I clean the bathroom with any frequency and the bathroom looks great. I’m not accusing your husband of this directly, but in research men ALSO have a tendency to overvalue themselves doing chores that are pleasant and largely unnecessary, things that won’t make the household fall apart if they aren’t tended to. Cleaning the bathroom has approximately zero urgency behind it unless there’s been a mess of some kind. It sounds like you’re too often on the hook for the “must do”s, while he’s doing things that are easy to do on his own schedule. (Or rare, like caring for you while pregnant.)
It’s much more stressful to be on top of the day in / day out stuff, holding back the tide of chaos. Things no one will call you a hero for. For the record, I’m in a herero relationship that doesn’t always follow these trends so sorry if I’m stereotyping, it just might be a good idea to give your feelings some space and take them seriously for awhile / validate them and see what comes of it.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:20 AM on March 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I've got a 2 year old and an the person with migraines and who is now likely to get sick. I'm also a woman in a hetero relationship.
One thing I didn't see mentioned above is, is he doing more than 50% of the work once he's getting better? If you've been holding down the fort, you should get a break after. We don't expect the previously sick person to do things solo for as long as they were sick or anything (that's hard, and it's not their fault they were sick), so it still won't be fair/an even split, but it gives you a chance to recuperate a bit.
A second thing is to outsource more. Cleaning service for sure, but also consider something like a "mother's helper"or family assistant, wh6y can come in a few hours a week and do misc chores (ours does most of the laundry and a lot of cooking prep; we found her by posting an ad on care.com). The biggest surprise about having kids was finding out how many people who could afford it had additional, somewhat hidden help: a spouse who worked part time or didn't work, grandparents, hired help, etc.
In terms of empathy, I'm a bit like you in that I felt bad about being such and being more of a burden, especially when out kid was being difficult. Something my husband said that was helpful was, would you rather be me or would you rather be you right now? And the answer was that I would unequivocally rather be him, even if I was solo parenting, because I really did feel terrible.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 8:19 AM on March 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
One thing I didn't see mentioned above is, is he doing more than 50% of the work once he's getting better? If you've been holding down the fort, you should get a break after. We don't expect the previously sick person to do things solo for as long as they were sick or anything (that's hard, and it's not their fault they were sick), so it still won't be fair/an even split, but it gives you a chance to recuperate a bit.
A second thing is to outsource more. Cleaning service for sure, but also consider something like a "mother's helper"or family assistant, wh6y can come in a few hours a week and do misc chores (ours does most of the laundry and a lot of cooking prep; we found her by posting an ad on care.com). The biggest surprise about having kids was finding out how many people who could afford it had additional, somewhat hidden help: a spouse who worked part time or didn't work, grandparents, hired help, etc.
In terms of empathy, I'm a bit like you in that I felt bad about being such and being more of a burden, especially when out kid was being difficult. Something my husband said that was helpful was, would you rather be me or would you rather be you right now? And the answer was that I would unequivocally rather be him, even if I was solo parenting, because I really did feel terrible.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 8:19 AM on March 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
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I asked myself "What would Claire Huxtable do?" and did that - bringing food, drinks, cuddles etc. Substitute whatever TV role model you feel appropriate.
Nowdays it's pretty automatic for me to act appropriately when someone else is ill, but it took quite a while of deliberate role-playing and telling my brain "Listen, that is your dad talking, not your own values".
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:32 AM on March 24, 2023 [5 favorites]