How have you helped older loved ones stay independent and age in place?
April 6, 2022 7:11 AM Subscribe
I've been caring for my 73yo mom for 9 months post-surgery and am looking for next steps in her independent recovery. What are all the ways you've helped your loved ones age in place? (Snowflakes a plenty inside)
I asked this question last summer about my mom-- it turned out to be major surgery (she was diagnosed peripheral vascular disease from smoking and required stents, and she had a trans metatarsal amputation on her right foot to save her leg.) The good news: she quit smoking after 50 years and finally started managing her health, something I never thought would happen! The bad news: the healing process took ages and required a ton of wound care, including a short stay in a nursing home, treatment with a wound vac, hyperbaric chamber therapy, and physical therapy. Because I'm the sole surviving family member, my husband and I temporarily moved cross country to live with her and help with care and recovery. This unfortunately meant that I had to shelve my career for a while to focus full-time on caregiving, and thankfully we're coming to a light at the end of that tunnel. Her wounds have finally healed, we've gotten her walking with a custom orthotic, she's more mobile with a cane and walker, and she can even drive again.
As we have navigated this, it's been pretty clear with the pandemic that we need to be closer/within easier reach just in case; we're fortunate that we can work anywhere, so while we managed this time okay, long term we will need our own space. My mom is very sharp of mind and what I'd call an independent homebody, so she wants to age in place without live-in help, and I respect that-- she isn't at the stage where that's unrealistic, although she lives in a 2-story raised ranch with some renovation needs, so it's not the easiest house to age in.
So I've been trying to focus my efforts on helping her make her home more livable and helping her improve her physical ability-- her muscles really weakened from months of bedrest, and she has chronic arthritis that affects her knees a lot and makes it a bit tough to sit or stand for long periods of time. She's been pretty receptive about making changes-- she is planning to have her bathroom remodeled in the next couple of months so she can shower easier (with grab bars and a foldable seat) and we've gotten her supportive shoes, walker accessories to help with her carrying things in the house, and so on. She can get groceries delivered, though she has not cooked or cleaned since this occurred. I am thinking about how if I come home for visits I can help make freezer meals or clean some to help fill in the gaps for when I'm not there. We've had discussions about finding a housecleaner who can do laundry so she can minimize trips downstairs, and I'm trying really hard to convince her to get a stair lift so she doesn't have to be tired from the stairs-- especially since she has a dog that she will need to walk.
But I bet there are things I'm not considering with aging in place, so I'm wondering if the hivemind might have some interesting suggestions of ways they've helped their older loved ones keep their independence safely and boost their quality of life. I'd like to go back to my apartment in the next 60 days to help with downsizing and packing for the move, and my mom is on board with that-- but I won't be leaving til I feel confident my mom can be alone for a couple of weeks so this is a prime time to make changes. Are there resources you found helpful? Renovations or installations of equipment that helped make them feel secure? Additional tools or accessories that made life easier (generally or room-specific-- kitchen or bathroom solutions for example)? Most of the things I find online seem to be geared towards patients with memory issues, and that's not an issue here.
You can suggest big changes or small-- assume I'm willing to throw money at the problem, but not to the point that I can move her out of this house. (Would love to, but that's just a boulder too big to push at this point) Thanks!
I asked this question last summer about my mom-- it turned out to be major surgery (she was diagnosed peripheral vascular disease from smoking and required stents, and she had a trans metatarsal amputation on her right foot to save her leg.) The good news: she quit smoking after 50 years and finally started managing her health, something I never thought would happen! The bad news: the healing process took ages and required a ton of wound care, including a short stay in a nursing home, treatment with a wound vac, hyperbaric chamber therapy, and physical therapy. Because I'm the sole surviving family member, my husband and I temporarily moved cross country to live with her and help with care and recovery. This unfortunately meant that I had to shelve my career for a while to focus full-time on caregiving, and thankfully we're coming to a light at the end of that tunnel. Her wounds have finally healed, we've gotten her walking with a custom orthotic, she's more mobile with a cane and walker, and she can even drive again.
As we have navigated this, it's been pretty clear with the pandemic that we need to be closer/within easier reach just in case; we're fortunate that we can work anywhere, so while we managed this time okay, long term we will need our own space. My mom is very sharp of mind and what I'd call an independent homebody, so she wants to age in place without live-in help, and I respect that-- she isn't at the stage where that's unrealistic, although she lives in a 2-story raised ranch with some renovation needs, so it's not the easiest house to age in.
So I've been trying to focus my efforts on helping her make her home more livable and helping her improve her physical ability-- her muscles really weakened from months of bedrest, and she has chronic arthritis that affects her knees a lot and makes it a bit tough to sit or stand for long periods of time. She's been pretty receptive about making changes-- she is planning to have her bathroom remodeled in the next couple of months so she can shower easier (with grab bars and a foldable seat) and we've gotten her supportive shoes, walker accessories to help with her carrying things in the house, and so on. She can get groceries delivered, though she has not cooked or cleaned since this occurred. I am thinking about how if I come home for visits I can help make freezer meals or clean some to help fill in the gaps for when I'm not there. We've had discussions about finding a housecleaner who can do laundry so she can minimize trips downstairs, and I'm trying really hard to convince her to get a stair lift so she doesn't have to be tired from the stairs-- especially since she has a dog that she will need to walk.
But I bet there are things I'm not considering with aging in place, so I'm wondering if the hivemind might have some interesting suggestions of ways they've helped their older loved ones keep their independence safely and boost their quality of life. I'd like to go back to my apartment in the next 60 days to help with downsizing and packing for the move, and my mom is on board with that-- but I won't be leaving til I feel confident my mom can be alone for a couple of weeks so this is a prime time to make changes. Are there resources you found helpful? Renovations or installations of equipment that helped make them feel secure? Additional tools or accessories that made life easier (generally or room-specific-- kitchen or bathroom solutions for example)? Most of the things I find online seem to be geared towards patients with memory issues, and that's not an issue here.
You can suggest big changes or small-- assume I'm willing to throw money at the problem, but not to the point that I can move her out of this house. (Would love to, but that's just a boulder too big to push at this point) Thanks!
First floor bed, shower, etc are critical though I'd suggest using the stairs and 2nd floor as long as possible, however bathroom changes or additions likely should begin asap.
Limited social activities even for introverts, make a surprising difference. Is there a sr center nearby or a church hosting day trips to museums or regular grocery runs? Even if she can get them delivered, maintaining any mobility she has or could build is easier if it's a part of her life vs "excercise". Similarly, tying it to social experiences that give her something to talk about, even if no other outcomes (which is unlikely!), are enormously helpful.
Anything that gets her social contact and moving around is critical. Hell, someone to do the laundry and provide social contact is useful, it's just a slightly different hiring criteria (personality plus reliability and trustworthiness).
posted by esoteric things at 7:24 AM on April 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Limited social activities even for introverts, make a surprising difference. Is there a sr center nearby or a church hosting day trips to museums or regular grocery runs? Even if she can get them delivered, maintaining any mobility she has or could build is easier if it's a part of her life vs "excercise". Similarly, tying it to social experiences that give her something to talk about, even if no other outcomes (which is unlikely!), are enormously helpful.
Anything that gets her social contact and moving around is critical. Hell, someone to do the laundry and provide social contact is useful, it's just a slightly different hiring criteria (personality plus reliability and trustworthiness).
posted by esoteric things at 7:24 AM on April 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
For my FIL, we set up
- An Alexa. When he gets up, he says "Good morning Alexa I'm up" and an email shoots off to the 3 sons, with "good morning I'm up".
- We got the doors changed to electric keypad, so we can let someone into the house if there's an issue (ie if he falls, we can let First responders in)
- An apple watch with the fall alert (in the midst of getting that set up, useless BIL is making us all crazy right now)
My one BIL goes once a week to visit. (He's the closest). My husband goes for 3-4 days every 6-8 weeks. My other BIL is useless.
We moved the TV and computer upstairs. He does have a stairlift, but the basement was just too cold. I cook and send freezer meals down. I struggled with portions as he doesn't eat much, but I've finally figured it out. Essentially, I cook for us, and I freeze a portion for Grampa. So I'll send 6-8 single portions down with husband.
My MIL died about a year ago, so its been trial and error getting him set up, but he's mostly OK now. He's lonely and we are working to help him with that. But the physical surroundings seem to be working
posted by Ftsqg at 8:13 AM on April 6, 2022 [6 favorites]
- An Alexa. When he gets up, he says "Good morning Alexa I'm up" and an email shoots off to the 3 sons, with "good morning I'm up".
- We got the doors changed to electric keypad, so we can let someone into the house if there's an issue (ie if he falls, we can let First responders in)
- An apple watch with the fall alert (in the midst of getting that set up, useless BIL is making us all crazy right now)
My one BIL goes once a week to visit. (He's the closest). My husband goes for 3-4 days every 6-8 weeks. My other BIL is useless.
We moved the TV and computer upstairs. He does have a stairlift, but the basement was just too cold. I cook and send freezer meals down. I struggled with portions as he doesn't eat much, but I've finally figured it out. Essentially, I cook for us, and I freeze a portion for Grampa. So I'll send 6-8 single portions down with husband.
My MIL died about a year ago, so its been trial and error getting him set up, but he's mostly OK now. He's lonely and we are working to help him with that. But the physical surroundings seem to be working
posted by Ftsqg at 8:13 AM on April 6, 2022 [6 favorites]
I'm with esoteric things: Now is the time to move your Mom downstairs to first floor with an en suite wet room with shower & toilet: all wide enough to let a wheel-chair and driver/aide do a 3-point turn. Money spent on the upstairs bathroom is down the drain a temporary fix. Actually, she needn't move in downstairs yet but the requirement may come suddenly. Keep upstairs bedrooms and vintage bathroom for family, carers, visitors.
posted by BobTheScientist at 9:03 AM on April 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by BobTheScientist at 9:03 AM on April 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
My mother lived in a retirement type community with different levels of independence, but in the most relaxed level, they had rigged some device to her refrigerator that if she did not open it by noon each day, they would be alerted and do a wellness check. It wasn't a secret since my mom would often open and close her refrigerator first thing in the morning just to keep them from coming around. All this is to say that the Alexa idea posted by Ftsgg is a great thing for their peace of mind and yours. Being able to call out to Alexa for help or to just set up notifications is great. You can set Alexa to notify her to take her daily meds, etc.
I would have to see the house, but the walk in shower and the grab bars in the bathroom make a lot of sense as does the stair lift. What a friend's mother did was make a lot of her kitchen wheel chair accessible such as some shelving in the above the counter cabinets can be pulled down to a level where she does not need to reach or use a step stool.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:07 AM on April 6, 2022
I would have to see the house, but the walk in shower and the grab bars in the bathroom make a lot of sense as does the stair lift. What a friend's mother did was make a lot of her kitchen wheel chair accessible such as some shelving in the above the counter cabinets can be pulled down to a level where she does not need to reach or use a step stool.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:07 AM on April 6, 2022
If she’s open to moving to a single story, the best thing you can do is facilitate that. She’s still sharp and not having dementia, once she is a move will be very disorienting. If she can’t comfortably live on the bottom floor of the house, don’t put money into renovations, put it into moving somewhere with a floorplan that will allow her to stay there long term. Reducing fall risk is huge in terms of a long term plan that requires minimal help. Especially with the disabilities you have outlined above.
posted by Bottlecap at 9:19 AM on April 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Bottlecap at 9:19 AM on April 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
As a geezer, thanks for being so good to your Mom, and same to other answerers. That alexa tip is fantastic.
. I love rugs, but they are a tripping hazard. For now, I've secured mine with double-sided rug tape.
. Grab bars
. good railings anywhere they can be added. When my Mom was in nursing care, the hallways had railings; sure enough, we were walking, she got dizzy and the railing was a huge help.
. anti-slip tape if there's any steps or any slippery area.
. I just added anti-slip decals to my tub/ shower.
. In addition to a wired smoke alarm, carbon monoxide alarm.
. I suspect alexa would be really useful; there's a listen-in feature that would allow you to check a few times a day.
. the knobs on my gas stove didn't come with a bright mark to see if a burner is on so I used neon nail polish.
. The water heater should be no hotter than 120F.
. For Meds, Large Print labels
. Neon duct tape to mark a step or any ther thing that should get attention.
. See if the library has a dropoff/ pickup service. Probably not, but there may be services that will help her enjoy life.
. A prayer attachment in the shower is helpful if someone has trouble reaching to rinse hair or whatever, or to take a seated shower.
I think smartphones are better than emergency devices for most elders who don't have dementia. We're old, but we like music, videos, taking pictures, and browsing the web, with wordle and puzzles for entertainment and a dash of brain exercise. Help her build a good spotify list; music from her youth was a great solace to my Mom. Put important numbers in favorites. Put her address on the lock screen; a sleepy senior might have difficulty with it.
All areas of the US are covered by an Area Agency on Aging; get in touch with them for helpful local resources. Meals on Wheels and any other meal services. Handyperson/ cleaner to take out trash, maybe prep a couple meals. When my Mom was old, her clothes were simple and easy to launder, so a cleaner could probably do a load a week to keep up.
posted by theora55 at 9:53 AM on April 6, 2022 [6 favorites]
. I love rugs, but they are a tripping hazard. For now, I've secured mine with double-sided rug tape.
. Grab bars
. good railings anywhere they can be added. When my Mom was in nursing care, the hallways had railings; sure enough, we were walking, she got dizzy and the railing was a huge help.
. anti-slip tape if there's any steps or any slippery area.
. I just added anti-slip decals to my tub/ shower.
. In addition to a wired smoke alarm, carbon monoxide alarm.
. I suspect alexa would be really useful; there's a listen-in feature that would allow you to check a few times a day.
. the knobs on my gas stove didn't come with a bright mark to see if a burner is on so I used neon nail polish.
. The water heater should be no hotter than 120F.
. For Meds, Large Print labels
. Neon duct tape to mark a step or any ther thing that should get attention.
. See if the library has a dropoff/ pickup service. Probably not, but there may be services that will help her enjoy life.
. A prayer attachment in the shower is helpful if someone has trouble reaching to rinse hair or whatever, or to take a seated shower.
I think smartphones are better than emergency devices for most elders who don't have dementia. We're old, but we like music, videos, taking pictures, and browsing the web, with wordle and puzzles for entertainment and a dash of brain exercise. Help her build a good spotify list; music from her youth was a great solace to my Mom. Put important numbers in favorites. Put her address on the lock screen; a sleepy senior might have difficulty with it.
All areas of the US are covered by an Area Agency on Aging; get in touch with them for helpful local resources. Meals on Wheels and any other meal services. Handyperson/ cleaner to take out trash, maybe prep a couple meals. When my Mom was old, her clothes were simple and easy to launder, so a cleaner could probably do a load a week to keep up.
posted by theora55 at 9:53 AM on April 6, 2022 [6 favorites]
Seconding Alexa and senior social worker.
Mom mostly uses her Alexa show (so she can watch videos, get video calls) for news and weather and listening to the local radio, but it's been a big help overall, because she can just ask instead of hauling out a device.
The senior social worker has been a huge help through many situations, including her current need for 1:1 care every day. She knows what's covered, what isn't, which agencies are good locally, which rehab is best. Every time we've had a conundrum she's been a huge help. Ours in the midwest has been $75 an hour for her full attention, and worth every penny.
posted by ldthomps at 10:44 AM on April 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Mom mostly uses her Alexa show (so she can watch videos, get video calls) for news and weather and listening to the local radio, but it's been a big help overall, because she can just ask instead of hauling out a device.
The senior social worker has been a huge help through many situations, including her current need for 1:1 care every day. She knows what's covered, what isn't, which agencies are good locally, which rehab is best. Every time we've had a conundrum she's been a huge help. Ours in the midwest has been $75 an hour for her full attention, and worth every penny.
posted by ldthomps at 10:44 AM on April 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
My FIL/MIL are both in their 90s and living at home. A few years ago, one of their four children bought the house next door, but we all live close and visit often. The two adjacent homes are connected by an Alexa, and it gets used frequently. Honestly, buying the next-door house (despite the fact that it's really small and not very nice) has been the most essential thing the family's done to keep things going. We all view it as a sacrifice that means the family homestead will be theirs when the old folks pass on.
posted by RedEmma at 11:20 AM on April 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by RedEmma at 11:20 AM on April 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Something that helped when my grandmother got older was finding a less-old lady who moved in and helped her with housework, cooking and companionship in exchange for room, board, a stipend and reciprocal companionship. She was a friend of the family and it was a win/win for everyone. It isn’t a general solution but I guess it is a reminder to be open to out-of-the-box schemes.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 7:43 PM on April 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 7:43 PM on April 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Congratulations on coming so far on such a difficult road!
Yes to a main-floor primary bedroom and full bathroom, for all the reasons mentioned above. What's the lighting like in the home? Consider updating fixtures and switches (and increasing light sources in general) with an electrician.
I think weak muscles and use of a cane and a walker = your mom's not yet at the stage where she's safely able to walk the dog by herself. In addition to the housecleaner (scheduled on the same day(s) the trash and recycling are taken out), hire someone for that task.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:21 PM on April 6, 2022
Yes to a main-floor primary bedroom and full bathroom, for all the reasons mentioned above. What's the lighting like in the home? Consider updating fixtures and switches (and increasing light sources in general) with an electrician.
I think weak muscles and use of a cane and a walker = your mom's not yet at the stage where she's safely able to walk the dog by herself. In addition to the housecleaner (scheduled on the same day(s) the trash and recycling are taken out), hire someone for that task.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:21 PM on April 6, 2022
« Older Ideas on how to play Roblox with my 10 year old... | Buying a flipped house—what to watch out for Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
At this point I don't remember what she charged -- maybe a couple thousand dollars? -- but it was completely worth it.The consultant was a boon all the way up to the very end of my m-i-l's life, including hospice and mortuary services.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:18 AM on April 6, 2022 [15 favorites]