The 14 year old dropout
March 4, 2023 1:58 AM Subscribe
After being held back last year due to unexcused absences, Ess is on track to be held back again (simply refuses to go to school). Are there online schooling resources for middle schoolers akin to high school equivalency diploma programs?
A bit of context:
> She has been bullied and has received texts like "why don't you kill yourself like your father and take your retarded sister with you" but will not go admin to report (immediately erases txts)
> refuses therapy and the few time she has gone, does not engage or speak much.
> She has a somewhat distant relationship with truth telling and is manipulative
> Discipline is soft due point one (RE: father)
> The mother does "the best she can" but could not manage home schooling
Clearly, Ess needs therapy but efforts to re-start that have stalled (she just blew-off todays call) but my main question is about how to get her into an [online] edu program so she can advance to high school and hopefully college.
A bit of context:
> She has been bullied and has received texts like "why don't you kill yourself like your father and take your retarded sister with you" but will not go admin to report (immediately erases txts)
> refuses therapy and the few time she has gone, does not engage or speak much.
> She has a somewhat distant relationship with truth telling and is manipulative
> Discipline is soft due point one (RE: father)
> The mother does "the best she can" but could not manage home schooling
Clearly, Ess needs therapy but efforts to re-start that have stalled (she just blew-off todays call) but my main question is about how to get her into an [online] edu program so she can advance to high school and hopefully college.
Ess's location may be helpful. There may be resources/programs specific to her state or district.
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:27 AM on March 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:27 AM on March 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
This probably depends on your area. I’m NC, where I am, there’s a state run virtual/online school for grades K-12. It’s part of the public school system, so free and not homeschool.
I would start by seeing what kind of similar resources are available in the student’s area.
These are several private online schools for this age group as well. It is worth looking into them to assess fit with the student’s needs and feasibility. Private online schools do have tuition, but it is much less than brick-and-mortar privates.
Online school itself can be demotivating for some kids, so it’s not a silver bullet but I agree it’s worth looking into if the school environment itself is causing problems.
I’d also encourage looking into private schools in the student’s area. A small Quaker school made a huge difference for my child after my husband’s suicide. I was fortunate to have some resources to pay, but many private schools do need-based tuition adjustments or supports aside from merit-based scholarships.
I went through a rough year trying to figure out what to do when school stopped working for my kid. Feel free to me mail with questions.
posted by jeoc at 3:33 AM on March 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
I would start by seeing what kind of similar resources are available in the student’s area.
These are several private online schools for this age group as well. It is worth looking into them to assess fit with the student’s needs and feasibility. Private online schools do have tuition, but it is much less than brick-and-mortar privates.
Online school itself can be demotivating for some kids, so it’s not a silver bullet but I agree it’s worth looking into if the school environment itself is causing problems.
I’d also encourage looking into private schools in the student’s area. A small Quaker school made a huge difference for my child after my husband’s suicide. I was fortunate to have some resources to pay, but many private schools do need-based tuition adjustments or supports aside from merit-based scholarships.
I went through a rough year trying to figure out what to do when school stopped working for my kid. Feel free to me mail with questions.
posted by jeoc at 3:33 AM on March 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
Both of my niblings attended NC's online virtual charter for middle school and now high school. It is not perfect, but they both have done well in their classes, which included good choices of electives, and enjoy interacting with their peers online and in occasional face to face events.
posted by hydropsyche at 5:06 AM on March 4, 2023
posted by hydropsyche at 5:06 AM on March 4, 2023
I peeked at your profile and it looks like this child may be in NJ. They do have an online school, but it looks like it is set up to provide individual classes rather than be a replacement for school like the NC one is. I think you could still use it as a full school but you’d have to do it as a homeschooler and determine the curriculum.
posted by jeoc at 5:09 AM on March 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by jeoc at 5:09 AM on March 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Homeschooling/virtual school options vary from state to state, and range across the following. I'll give you want I know from my own state (TN); just know that there are versions and wrinkles depending on where you are.
Virtual schools, which are effectively remote offerings managed by the local school system. Homework, tests, and 'attendance' are all managed by the local school system. N.B. - homeschooling purists will tell you that virtual schools are not the same as homeschooling, since someone else is managing grades and the student is beholden to the local system.
Homeschooling runs the gamut - from 100% roll-your-own curricula to off-the-shelf "subject in a box" offerings where all you really need to do is check work. There are also organized tutorials, where students attend in-person classes once or twice a week, with the balance of work being done at home between sessions. There are a large (and growing) number of online courses live and self-paced.
We've been homeschooling K-12 for 20 years, and over time, our kids have variously vectored into:
- the local public HS (one)
- the local public STEM magnet HS (one)
- private all girls high-school (one)
- our church's parochial K-8 (three)
- while others have remained full K-12 homeschool , with tutorial + college dual-enrollment for high-school.
...as we responded to each kid's needs/desires and our own family circumstances. Happy to answer questions about any and all of it.
posted by jquinby at 5:17 AM on March 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Virtual schools, which are effectively remote offerings managed by the local school system. Homework, tests, and 'attendance' are all managed by the local school system. N.B. - homeschooling purists will tell you that virtual schools are not the same as homeschooling, since someone else is managing grades and the student is beholden to the local system.
Homeschooling runs the gamut - from 100% roll-your-own curricula to off-the-shelf "subject in a box" offerings where all you really need to do is check work. There are also organized tutorials, where students attend in-person classes once or twice a week, with the balance of work being done at home between sessions. There are a large (and growing) number of online courses live and self-paced.
We've been homeschooling K-12 for 20 years, and over time, our kids have variously vectored into:
- the local public HS (one)
- the local public STEM magnet HS (one)
- private all girls high-school (one)
- our church's parochial K-8 (three)
- while others have remained full K-12 homeschool , with tutorial + college dual-enrollment for high-school.
...as we responded to each kid's needs/desires and our own family circumstances. Happy to answer questions about any and all of it.
posted by jquinby at 5:17 AM on March 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
One more thing - in our state, homeschooling parents affiliate themselves with an organization that supplies official transcripts and whatnot. We use an umbrella school, and notify them of the final grades in each class when a student completes it. They record everything, and send transcripts/records on request. When one of our middle-schoolers opted for the local public HS, the county made a request of the umbrella school and that was about it. We had another student at the time who was also interested in trying the public HS out, but he was a rising senior.
Since he had already started high school, the county was going to require testing in every subject for which he wanted credits. As a junior, this meant basically taking 5-6 exams. For one year in public school, he said "nah" and is finishing up at home.
I say that to say this - if you explore alternate options, vet out the transition requirements to high school if you're coming from an alternate arrangement. One of our students basically walked right in; the other was going to need significant testing as required by the county.
As I said, each state is different and YMMV. The local homeschooling orgs usually have this information all laid out somewhere.
posted by jquinby at 5:33 AM on March 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Since he had already started high school, the county was going to require testing in every subject for which he wanted credits. As a junior, this meant basically taking 5-6 exams. For one year in public school, he said "nah" and is finishing up at home.
I say that to say this - if you explore alternate options, vet out the transition requirements to high school if you're coming from an alternate arrangement. One of our students basically walked right in; the other was going to need significant testing as required by the county.
As I said, each state is different and YMMV. The local homeschooling orgs usually have this information all laid out somewhere.
posted by jquinby at 5:33 AM on March 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
My eleven year old is on extended absence from school due to school phobia that originated in part with bullying. I’m happy to memail about it but my context is in Singapore, not the USA. Her school has been very supportive of our trial and error approaches to helping her get back into school and alternatives.
Kids who avoid school have valid reasons, they’re not being dramatic or lazy but acting in response to a big need - school is a huge part of kids’ social lives and to refuse it entirely is a big decision by the kid. Also homeschool comes in multiple versions including online schooling, part time school and local groups.
This isn’t something anyone but her legal guardians or parents can decide on because most of the options will be up to them and dependent on what they can manage and her needs. People outside of a very tight circle around my kid had no idea what she needed and gave what they thought was helpful advice which was pretty much useless.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:34 AM on March 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
Kids who avoid school have valid reasons, they’re not being dramatic or lazy but acting in response to a big need - school is a huge part of kids’ social lives and to refuse it entirely is a big decision by the kid. Also homeschool comes in multiple versions including online schooling, part time school and local groups.
This isn’t something anyone but her legal guardians or parents can decide on because most of the options will be up to them and dependent on what they can manage and her needs. People outside of a very tight circle around my kid had no idea what she needed and gave what they thought was helpful advice which was pretty much useless.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:34 AM on March 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
The short answer is yes and no.
I work in education and your best bet is to reach out to the local school as well as the state education agency. The local district, acting as her LEA (local educational authority) has a legal responsibility to ensure she receives an education. It's on them to figure this out. This does NOT necessarily mean a brick and mortar school.
In general, there is the local schoolhouse option, which seems unlikely. The LEA should offer options, including:
another local brick and mortar school with some component of a safety plan put in place;
a brick and mortar therapeutic school that can help her deal with this trauma;*
a gradual reentrance into her current school with a safety plan and some remote learning; or a
total remote learning experience (this is not the same thing as home schooling/home studying).
The LEA cannot suggest home study to a family; that's illegal. But if the family wants to pursue that option, the state education agency will have resources and explain the process. I've seen home study for kids this age be very successful, but that was only when the student also had opportunities to leave the house daily. Part time work, volunteering, taking arts/science/math/extracurricular class guarantee success.
Post-Covid, we are seeing more kids unable to return to school because there are significant developmental delays across the board and a massive rise in bullying. All of us in education are struggling to make schools feel safe again.
*Briefly, I need to note that none of these options will work unless the guardian is also getting help. Unfortunately, Covid created a lot of codependency and furthered some very sick home systems. A big part of my professional work is getting kids the educational support they need, and that means placing them in therapeutic programs where each kids has a therapist who works with them in a hybrid fashion to build a 1:1 educational program, and the kids still refused to go (or even talk to their counselor) because it was a lot easier to stay home, eat ramen, and play on the computer.
All of this is a long way to say that there is help and a squeaky wheel will get the grease, but NONE of this will work unless the guardian is onboard. Feel free to reach out for specific recs.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:16 AM on March 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
I work in education and your best bet is to reach out to the local school as well as the state education agency. The local district, acting as her LEA (local educational authority) has a legal responsibility to ensure she receives an education. It's on them to figure this out. This does NOT necessarily mean a brick and mortar school.
In general, there is the local schoolhouse option, which seems unlikely. The LEA should offer options, including:
another local brick and mortar school with some component of a safety plan put in place;
a brick and mortar therapeutic school that can help her deal with this trauma;*
a gradual reentrance into her current school with a safety plan and some remote learning; or a
total remote learning experience (this is not the same thing as home schooling/home studying).
The LEA cannot suggest home study to a family; that's illegal. But if the family wants to pursue that option, the state education agency will have resources and explain the process. I've seen home study for kids this age be very successful, but that was only when the student also had opportunities to leave the house daily. Part time work, volunteering, taking arts/science/math/extracurricular class guarantee success.
Post-Covid, we are seeing more kids unable to return to school because there are significant developmental delays across the board and a massive rise in bullying. All of us in education are struggling to make schools feel safe again.
*Briefly, I need to note that none of these options will work unless the guardian is also getting help. Unfortunately, Covid created a lot of codependency and furthered some very sick home systems. A big part of my professional work is getting kids the educational support they need, and that means placing them in therapeutic programs where each kids has a therapist who works with them in a hybrid fashion to build a 1:1 educational program, and the kids still refused to go (or even talk to their counselor) because it was a lot easier to stay home, eat ramen, and play on the computer.
All of this is a long way to say that there is help and a squeaky wheel will get the grease, but NONE of this will work unless the guardian is onboard. Feel free to reach out for specific recs.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:16 AM on March 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: I should have included: Ess lives in New Jersey.
posted by pmaxwell at 6:26 AM on March 4, 2023
posted by pmaxwell at 6:26 AM on March 4, 2023
New Jersey has a good handle on this type of thing. Here is the link to credit recovery/virtual school. The local school system will be able to help navigate the process.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:32 AM on March 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:32 AM on March 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
It varies by location but where we are in the US there are tons of online options. With Littlest Clover we had very similar struggles. It was a combination of many things took him off track starting in middle school and went though early high-school. He was bullied, had anxiety, I had cancer, and there were some personal issues and trauma he experienced. We tried lots of things: two different online schools (self-paced and teacher led), an alternative in-person school, homeschooling, in-person ged classes, online ged classes, going back to regular hs. He generally would be hopefully and put in some effort at the beginning but within a couple weeks would be overwhelmed and quit. He went to therapy but refused to address any real issue. He dropped out at 16 as soon as he legally was able. It was so hard to watch as a parent. I tried to be loving, supportive, consistent and honest while trying to keep in mind he wasn't intentionally difficult, he was having a hard time.
He is now a happy and healthy 19 year old with a job, a car, an apartment, a roommate, two cats and lots of friends.
He visits about once a week; we can have full conversations now. He talks about plans to get his ged and get a better job, about his goals in life etc. Now the years of struggling through school seem so distant and the of fear of what would happen if he was "a high-schooldrop out" seem so unnecessary.
I guess my point is, yes there are lots of alternate options for schooling to try, and it's also possible that none of them will work. In the moment it feels like you've completely failed them and you wonder how they'll ever be okay in life without graduating HS. School is important but so are a lot of other things.
posted by CleverClover at 7:40 AM on March 4, 2023 [11 favorites]
He is now a happy and healthy 19 year old with a job, a car, an apartment, a roommate, two cats and lots of friends.
He visits about once a week; we can have full conversations now. He talks about plans to get his ged and get a better job, about his goals in life etc. Now the years of struggling through school seem so distant and the of fear of what would happen if he was "a high-schooldrop out" seem so unnecessary.
I guess my point is, yes there are lots of alternate options for schooling to try, and it's also possible that none of them will work. In the moment it feels like you've completely failed them and you wonder how they'll ever be okay in life without graduating HS. School is important but so are a lot of other things.
posted by CleverClover at 7:40 AM on March 4, 2023 [11 favorites]
My 15yo does high school through Clonlara, a venerable distance-learning private school based in Ann Arbor. It's very affordable compared to most private schools: about $1500/year. Learning is self-directed and open; my kid gets credit for, for instance, dog training and diving, which he does anyway. His science class in the fall was based around his fascination with things decaying. It is an accredited school. They say they use Carnegie credits (1 credit=180 hours of work) but there's no requirement to log hours, and my son's actual hours depend on how long it takes him to learn what he has set out to learn.
They just sent out an email that they are still enrolling students for spring term.
He is only doing this because he wants a high school diploma and he wants to be able to transfer to the local public high school in the fall to make it easier for colleges to recruit him for diving. My other kids, all older, were unschooled. I think it's really OK to just let a kid take a break from school, if the laws of your state allow it. Here in Michigan, there is no oversight for homeschooling (it's problematic, yes). Other states have requirements that may be very easy to meet while letting your child rest, recover, and pursue their own interests.
posted by Well I never at 8:13 AM on March 4, 2023
They just sent out an email that they are still enrolling students for spring term.
He is only doing this because he wants a high school diploma and he wants to be able to transfer to the local public high school in the fall to make it easier for colleges to recruit him for diving. My other kids, all older, were unschooled. I think it's really OK to just let a kid take a break from school, if the laws of your state allow it. Here in Michigan, there is no oversight for homeschooling (it's problematic, yes). Other states have requirements that may be very easy to meet while letting your child rest, recover, and pursue their own interests.
posted by Well I never at 8:13 AM on March 4, 2023
I apologize for my answer overlooking the mom being unable to do homeschooling. I will say that Clonlara requires an adult mentor for each course, but it does not have to be a parent. My son's diving coach is his mentor for diving, for instance.
posted by Well I never at 8:15 AM on March 4, 2023
posted by Well I never at 8:15 AM on March 4, 2023
Publicly funded virtual school options are offered at the district level in New Jersey.
posted by oceano at 10:56 AM on March 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by oceano at 10:56 AM on March 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Hi pmaxwell, just wanted to say that "alternative education," "non-traditional education," and "independent study" are all good keywords when googling options for your local district or state. But I also wanted to share that at fourteen, I was in a similar position as Ess due to anxiety/depression, undiagnosed ADHD, and a couple bullies for teachers. I refused school, and also lied about a ton of shit. I was fully convinced I would drop out, and I'm sure my parents feared the same.
Due to my school refusal, I was enrolled in the district's independent study program. This meant being handed textbooks and a check-in person, and told to do a variety of busywork. I can't say it was educationally appropriate for me, but it did what I needed it to do, which was remove me from a negative environment, and give me a chance to breathe. My study supervisor's suggestion was that I continue in this program until age sixteen, then test out with a GED, enroll in community college, and transfer to the state university system at eighteen. I have no idea how it works in New Jersey or in Ess's district, but long-term employees of your local independent study program should know of various options for this child.
As it happened, the next fall I was allotted a space at a far better school for me than the first, and all this became unnecessary. I went on to be a top student, attended the Ivy League, and hold an advanced degree. People today would be shocked to know that I once believed I would drop out of high school at fourteen.
I am telling this story because I realize how scary it can be for a child to spiral at this age. But know that Ess is not necessarily messing up her whole life, and that things can change for teens at the drop of a hat. It's great news that at least 1-2 adults care about her, and care so much that they're looking into alternate schooling arrangements. While adolescents don't always express gratitude in legible ways, you are giving Ess a true gift by caring. Deep down she knows this.
posted by desert outpost at 4:11 PM on March 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
Due to my school refusal, I was enrolled in the district's independent study program. This meant being handed textbooks and a check-in person, and told to do a variety of busywork. I can't say it was educationally appropriate for me, but it did what I needed it to do, which was remove me from a negative environment, and give me a chance to breathe. My study supervisor's suggestion was that I continue in this program until age sixteen, then test out with a GED, enroll in community college, and transfer to the state university system at eighteen. I have no idea how it works in New Jersey or in Ess's district, but long-term employees of your local independent study program should know of various options for this child.
As it happened, the next fall I was allotted a space at a far better school for me than the first, and all this became unnecessary. I went on to be a top student, attended the Ivy League, and hold an advanced degree. People today would be shocked to know that I once believed I would drop out of high school at fourteen.
I am telling this story because I realize how scary it can be for a child to spiral at this age. But know that Ess is not necessarily messing up her whole life, and that things can change for teens at the drop of a hat. It's great news that at least 1-2 adults care about her, and care so much that they're looking into alternate schooling arrangements. While adolescents don't always express gratitude in legible ways, you are giving Ess a true gift by caring. Deep down she knows this.
posted by desert outpost at 4:11 PM on March 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by atomicstone at 2:31 AM on March 4, 2023 [8 favorites]