Is it weird to ask for feedback from someone who rejected you?
February 13, 2023 7:00 AM Subscribe
I went on a few dates with someone. They turned me down for another date, but what I'm really frustrated by is the vacuum of information.
I was going on a few dates with someone who I thought was into me. They initiated texts a lot. They said that they had fun on both dates.
Then, out of nowhere when I asked for another date, they said that they "wanted to be friends and decided to pause on dating." I would believe this reason, if it wasn't that I sent a stupid text joke that may have offended them (a learning for me, clearly).
I get rejected all the time, and I'm used to it. I also reject people who seem perfectly wonderful but I didn't feel chemistry. But this one has me really confused. And I don't feel like I was given the opportunity to apologize.
I have a hard time reading cues, and I so wish I had a feedback loop with honest answers about why I didn't land well on them. Would it be inappropriate in the future to ask "Thank you, and I respect your decision! Can you share, if you're comfortable, any feedback on me?"
The statue of limitations on this person has already passed, but I'm wondering for the future.
I was going on a few dates with someone who I thought was into me. They initiated texts a lot. They said that they had fun on both dates.
Then, out of nowhere when I asked for another date, they said that they "wanted to be friends and decided to pause on dating." I would believe this reason, if it wasn't that I sent a stupid text joke that may have offended them (a learning for me, clearly).
I get rejected all the time, and I'm used to it. I also reject people who seem perfectly wonderful but I didn't feel chemistry. But this one has me really confused. And I don't feel like I was given the opportunity to apologize.
I have a hard time reading cues, and I so wish I had a feedback loop with honest answers about why I didn't land well on them. Would it be inappropriate in the future to ask "Thank you, and I respect your decision! Can you share, if you're comfortable, any feedback on me?"
The statue of limitations on this person has already passed, but I'm wondering for the future.
One of the things I find challenging about dating is we don’t often get the closure we are seeking. It can be difficult to process, especially when we felt hopeful about a person. I would find it uncomfortable to share feedback. They made their decision. It can be tough to be honest, direct and respectful, which is why a lot of people opt to ghost.
You learned from the stupid joke, and I think you need to take what they said at face value and move on. You could also assume the same is true for them when it comes to this:”I also reject people who seem perfectly wonderful but I didn't feel chemistry.”
posted by Juniper Toast at 7:15 AM on February 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
You learned from the stupid joke, and I think you need to take what they said at face value and move on. You could also assume the same is true for them when it comes to this:”I also reject people who seem perfectly wonderful but I didn't feel chemistry.”
posted by Juniper Toast at 7:15 AM on February 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
I honestly don't think that's ever a good idea. It's not their job. They've made it clear they don't want to invest any more time in you so you should respect that. No one owes you an opportunity to apologize. No one owes you anything after a few dates really. They could have just ghosted you so sounds like they did right by you already.
If for some reason you DO do this, you get exactly one shot. You ask and if you don't get a response you accept that and don't bother then again. If you DO get a response you accept that without asking for any kind of clarity. If anything this will probably lead to more confusion and frustration for you, so I recommend not doing this at all.
Also sometimes it really doesn't have anything to do with you. Everyone thinks that if they have a laundry list of do's and don't's then they will be able to behave accordingly and find a partner that way and that's not how it really works. 'Not that into you', 'didn't feel chemistry', 'pausing on dating' are all valid reasons.
tl;dr To answer your question: yes, it's weird.
posted by greta simone at 7:26 AM on February 13, 2023 [8 favorites]
If for some reason you DO do this, you get exactly one shot. You ask and if you don't get a response you accept that and don't bother then again. If you DO get a response you accept that without asking for any kind of clarity. If anything this will probably lead to more confusion and frustration for you, so I recommend not doing this at all.
Also sometimes it really doesn't have anything to do with you. Everyone thinks that if they have a laundry list of do's and don't's then they will be able to behave accordingly and find a partner that way and that's not how it really works. 'Not that into you', 'didn't feel chemistry', 'pausing on dating' are all valid reasons.
tl;dr To answer your question: yes, it's weird.
posted by greta simone at 7:26 AM on February 13, 2023 [8 favorites]
You don't have to go on anything but face-value that they said they are taking a pause from dating, why would you doubt them? Not your self-doubt about your self or your jokes, but doubting what they said?
Then -- think of it from being in their shoes -- if you dated someone and for reasons unrelated to that person (who you don't know very well) decided to stop dating them, then after telling them directly that you were unable to date them any more, they pressed you for more information in a way that seems like they want to discuss the relationship even more?
In this case you don't really need to read any cues -- they were straightforward with you, take that at face value and leave the self-doubt out of it.
posted by AzraelBrown at 7:27 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
Then -- think of it from being in their shoes -- if you dated someone and for reasons unrelated to that person (who you don't know very well) decided to stop dating them, then after telling them directly that you were unable to date them any more, they pressed you for more information in a way that seems like they want to discuss the relationship even more?
In this case you don't really need to read any cues -- they were straightforward with you, take that at face value and leave the self-doubt out of it.
posted by AzraelBrown at 7:27 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you don’t know if you offended them, right? Sometimes, when something about my behavior lingers with me, I apologize for my own sake as much as theirs. Would that help in this case? I don’t think it will necessarily give you the information you want, and I don’t think that should be the reason for the apology, but it might give you some ease.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:33 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 7:33 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I have been you, and I have asked. I did not get a reply, as should probably be expected. You're essentially asking a near-stranger to either insult you slightly or perform some kind of linguistic gymnastics in an attempt not to hurt your feelings - info that would not help you anyway. I don't think anybody wants to be put in that position. But I totally understand the impulse, and it's very frustrating!
posted by Glinn at 7:33 AM on February 13, 2023 [33 favorites]
posted by Glinn at 7:33 AM on February 13, 2023 [33 favorites]
You can ask, but someone who is going to be uncomfortable, is going to be uncomfortable because you made the request at all, no matter how much softening language you add to it. So if you're going to make the ask, go in knowing that you've already potentially made the person uncomfortable, and that the feedback you get if any may not be honest for that reason. So all in all, I suspect that this won't be a particularly fruitful path for you to go down.
There are going to be people who would be delighted to be asked and to do a post-mortem with you about your three dates, but if you were dating those people, I suspect you'd know.
posted by Stacey at 7:33 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
There are going to be people who would be delighted to be asked and to do a post-mortem with you about your three dates, but if you were dating those people, I suspect you'd know.
posted by Stacey at 7:33 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
Since the reason they gave was a taking a pause in dating (which may be true), I don't think it's really polite to ask, cause you'd essentially be saying ,"I don't believe you, what's the real reason?"
Also, a lot of the times it's really not you. Could be a host of reasons. I totally understand wanting to know, but after a few dates I think that it's least harmful to yourself if you assume it's not about you, and move on. It's not necessary to hear a near-stranger's detailed reasons for rejecting you.
posted by bearette at 7:46 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
Also, a lot of the times it's really not you. Could be a host of reasons. I totally understand wanting to know, but after a few dates I think that it's least harmful to yourself if you assume it's not about you, and move on. It's not necessary to hear a near-stranger's detailed reasons for rejecting you.
posted by bearette at 7:46 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: For what it's worth, I agree that it's a little problematic that I didn't take them at face value. I had responded to that with "Of course, respect your decision, it was lovely getting to know you..." and I included a quick apology the for text "in case it landed badly." Which sounds like it was the right move.
(But for real....wouldn't be nice if we actually gave honest feedback to people! I would do this if they asked 😹. Simple stuff that can be fixed! Such as bad breath!).
posted by pando11 at 7:53 AM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
(But for real....wouldn't be nice if we actually gave honest feedback to people! I would do this if they asked 😹. Simple stuff that can be fixed! Such as bad breath!).
posted by pando11 at 7:53 AM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
Is it weird? Yes. Have I tried it? Also yes. The mere fact that I tried it should probably indicate, via the George Costanza Principle, that it’s not a good idea. For the record, I did not get the feedback I sought.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:55 AM on February 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 7:55 AM on February 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
Something like someone telling you you had bad breath is not the responsibility of a stranger. I would hope that my close friends or family would tell me were I to ask them (or even without having to ask!). Maybe you should ask your friends/family to assess why dating might not be working for you since they actually know you and are already (I'm assuming) invested in your happiness.
posted by greta simone at 7:56 AM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 7:56 AM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
You could also try to take them at face value that they want to be friends. Then if they become a friend, you might still drift apart, or get closer, or you may learn more about your behavior through them. I am very far from the dating pool, but insofar as the rest of the advice says to take their words at face value, I figure it's worth considering the rest of it that way too.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:58 AM on February 13, 2023
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:58 AM on February 13, 2023
If they actually do want to be friends, than I really doubt the joke had anything to do with it, because if it was so off-putting, they'd just ghost. Even if turns out they don't actually want to be friends, I still think you're likely getting hung up on the wrong detail - you're looking for a concrete reason for why they don't want to date you, where there probably is no reason. If they were really into you, the joke would have had to been really bad to have them do a 180.
They initiated texts a lot. They said that they had fun on both dates.
Neither of these necessarily mean much. In my experience, "I had fun" is a polite statement people will say after any date that wasn't awful. I'd say what most likely happened here is that you seemed worth investing a bit of time/few dates to see if chemistry might develop, but it didn't for them.
posted by coffeecat at 8:14 AM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
They initiated texts a lot. They said that they had fun on both dates.
Neither of these necessarily mean much. In my experience, "I had fun" is a polite statement people will say after any date that wasn't awful. I'd say what most likely happened here is that you seemed worth investing a bit of time/few dates to see if chemistry might develop, but it didn't for them.
posted by coffeecat at 8:14 AM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
I had someone ask me for feedback after I broke things off after 3ish dates. I was late 20sF, he was about the same. It wasn't anything about him - we just didn't vibe; I found him boring, which just meant we didn't have overlapping interests (not that he was an innately boring person). I did not feel like I could give honest feedback, nor that my honest feedback was appropriate to share. I didn't want to open things up to argument or negotiation.
I didn't really mind that he asked, but it did mean that I had to obfuscate a bit gracefully and say that I was not feeling like dating (which was also true).
posted by quadrilaterals at 8:18 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
I didn't really mind that he asked, but it did mean that I had to obfuscate a bit gracefully and say that I was not feeling like dating (which was also true).
posted by quadrilaterals at 8:18 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
Someone who's only been on a few dates with you doesn't really owe you anything. They don't owe you the ability to apologize, and they don't owe you a "good" reason. It would be great if they gave you that, but they don't owe it to you. I'll N'th that if the offer of being friends was a legitimate offer (which it very well might not be), and if you eventually work out a reasonable friendship, that then if there is a different answer, the answer might/should eventually come out.
Asking for a reason is definitely non-standard. It would be especially weird in this case as they already gave you an answer (putting a pause on dating); asking for a different/"real" answer will buck social norms. Pushing for a different answer will implicitly call them a liar, and be unlikely to get an answer that you're looking for. It will however show them that you're bad at accepting social boundaries, ruin any chance of friendship, demonstrate they were wise to end things, and if they are actually pausing dating will guarantee that they won't circle back to you when they later unpause.
posted by nobeagle at 8:20 AM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
Asking for a reason is definitely non-standard. It would be especially weird in this case as they already gave you an answer (putting a pause on dating); asking for a different/"real" answer will buck social norms. Pushing for a different answer will implicitly call them a liar, and be unlikely to get an answer that you're looking for. It will however show them that you're bad at accepting social boundaries, ruin any chance of friendship, demonstrate they were wise to end things, and if they are actually pausing dating will guarantee that they won't circle back to you when they later unpause.
posted by nobeagle at 8:20 AM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
Simple stuff that can be fixed!
The chances of it being simple stuff that can be fixed are really, really slim. When I think of people I've broken up with, I can't imagine giving an honest answer to this question - it just seems unkind. And whether you intend it to or not, it sounds like an invitation for an argument.
Even if that joke had something to do with it, it's more likely to be a last straw than an entire reason. With one guy, it was his telling me that he believed the federal government murdered JFK. That specific belief emphasized what I already was figuring out - that he didn't have great critical thinking skills. He saw a documentary and just believed everything in it. What are you going to do with the information if someone says, "That joke you told just really emphasized how silly and shallow you are." Better to find someone who has the same sense of humor you do.
posted by FencingGal at 8:24 AM on February 13, 2023 [10 favorites]
The chances of it being simple stuff that can be fixed are really, really slim. When I think of people I've broken up with, I can't imagine giving an honest answer to this question - it just seems unkind. And whether you intend it to or not, it sounds like an invitation for an argument.
Even if that joke had something to do with it, it's more likely to be a last straw than an entire reason. With one guy, it was his telling me that he believed the federal government murdered JFK. That specific belief emphasized what I already was figuring out - that he didn't have great critical thinking skills. He saw a documentary and just believed everything in it. What are you going to do with the information if someone says, "That joke you told just really emphasized how silly and shallow you are." Better to find someone who has the same sense of humor you do.
posted by FencingGal at 8:24 AM on February 13, 2023 [10 favorites]
I get where you're coming from. I would want to know too, and I would want to ask.
If I received that question from someone, though, I would think that they were trying to rules-lawyer their way back into dating me. I would also be really worried about their reaction to honest negative feedback. I wouldn't want to risk them getting angry or fixating on proving me wrong, so I would most likely lie and say it was something about me, not them.
posted by cadge at 8:36 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
If I received that question from someone, though, I would think that they were trying to rules-lawyer their way back into dating me. I would also be really worried about their reaction to honest negative feedback. I wouldn't want to risk them getting angry or fixating on proving me wrong, so I would most likely lie and say it was something about me, not them.
posted by cadge at 8:36 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
I've gotten that question a few times and I've never responded. It just felt like someone dumped a whole heap of impossible emotional labor in my lap. I'd already given the reason ("I just didn't feel the chemistry I'm looking for") I felt walked the line between being kind, firm, and protecting my safety. To come up with a whole other way of saying that I don't want to date you that is also kind, firm and keeps me safe is just a lot of work — especially since now I'm thinking it's likely that you aren't going to take this answer without a whole lot of rules lawyering or even insults.
posted by mcduff at 8:49 AM on February 13, 2023 [15 favorites]
posted by mcduff at 8:49 AM on February 13, 2023 [15 favorites]
If I was going to ask for feedback, really needed to do this, I would wait until a substantial amount of time has passed. Months. Years. Asking immediately after the fact might seem as looking for a way to challenge or fight their decision, and why would anyone open themselves up to that?
And as others have noted, them simply being polite or not wanting confrontation, you are unlikely to get the answer you're looking for anyway. After sending out a rejection, they owe you nothing, and there is little incentive to them engaging further.
I know it's maddening -- believe me, I get it. The best thing you can do is remind yourself that in the vast majority of times, rejections come from just not being a match (and nothing wrong as such), or for reasons personal to them that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
I'm not sure you're likely to get the answers you're looking for.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It stinks.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:51 AM on February 13, 2023
And as others have noted, them simply being polite or not wanting confrontation, you are unlikely to get the answer you're looking for anyway. After sending out a rejection, they owe you nothing, and there is little incentive to them engaging further.
I know it's maddening -- believe me, I get it. The best thing you can do is remind yourself that in the vast majority of times, rejections come from just not being a match (and nothing wrong as such), or for reasons personal to them that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
I'm not sure you're likely to get the answers you're looking for.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It stinks.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:51 AM on February 13, 2023
It is weird but the good news is, there's no penalty for being weird at someone you're not going to see again. The bad news is, someone you're never going to see again has no reason to give you detailed (or honest!) feedback. Plus, such a request will often be heard as an attempt to revive the connection.
So my thinking is that you can do this but you should be ready to get back either nothing, or some kind of bullshit designed to save someone's face, feelings, or time (theirs or yours).
posted by grobstein at 9:00 AM on February 13, 2023
So my thinking is that you can do this but you should be ready to get back either nothing, or some kind of bullshit designed to save someone's face, feelings, or time (theirs or yours).
posted by grobstein at 9:00 AM on February 13, 2023
But for real....wouldn't be nice if we actually gave honest feedback to people! I would do this if they asked 😹.
No. Good grief, I don't want to hear "You're too bland for me", "I hate your opinions on data entry" or "I find you sexually unattractive" after three dates!
I don't think knowing would help you.
posted by Omnomnom at 9:35 AM on February 13, 2023 [21 favorites]
No. Good grief, I don't want to hear "You're too bland for me", "I hate your opinions on data entry" or "I find you sexually unattractive" after three dates!
I don't think knowing would help you.
posted by Omnomnom at 9:35 AM on February 13, 2023 [21 favorites]
My now-husband got this question once. He'd been on a few perfectly nice dates with a woman, and then met me. He tried to give her a polite brush-off along the lines of "no longer interested but wish you well" and she insisted on a phone call (!) and an explanation. I guess she got her closure, but the answer was basically "I met somebody I like more than you," so I'm not sure how great it felt. (I'm sure he phrased it in a much kinder way, but there's only so much you can soften that!)
This is not a brag about how great I am, obviously, just a reminder that human compatibility is weird and random and unquantifiable in many ways. Even if someone is willing to have this conversation, the answer is so much more likely to be some variation of "I just don't like you enough for some reason I may or may not even be able to explain" vs. something concrete and actionable like "you smell."
There's also a gender aspect to this (I know you didn't specify genders, but figured it's worth mentioning). My husband just found the question a bit awkward, whereas I once had a guy mail a handwritten letter to my actual house where I lived when I told him I didn't want to see him again after like two dates. I would interpret a request for "feedback" like this as somewhere between obnoxious and actively creepy, because I have a lifetime of experience with men treating my "no" as an opportunity to engage in courtroom-style arguments about why my feelings and preferences are wrong, actually. I would not respond and cross my fingers that you didn't escalate.
And, you know, all that stuff aside, I think we should let people have their graceful exits. "I'm not really feeling the chemistry" and "I'm taking a break from dating" are full explanations! There's really no need to draw it out and make it weird.
(All that said, I think the response you actually sent sounds totally fine!)
posted by catoclock at 9:56 AM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
This is not a brag about how great I am, obviously, just a reminder that human compatibility is weird and random and unquantifiable in many ways. Even if someone is willing to have this conversation, the answer is so much more likely to be some variation of "I just don't like you enough for some reason I may or may not even be able to explain" vs. something concrete and actionable like "you smell."
There's also a gender aspect to this (I know you didn't specify genders, but figured it's worth mentioning). My husband just found the question a bit awkward, whereas I once had a guy mail a handwritten letter to my actual house where I lived when I told him I didn't want to see him again after like two dates. I would interpret a request for "feedback" like this as somewhere between obnoxious and actively creepy, because I have a lifetime of experience with men treating my "no" as an opportunity to engage in courtroom-style arguments about why my feelings and preferences are wrong, actually. I would not respond and cross my fingers that you didn't escalate.
And, you know, all that stuff aside, I think we should let people have their graceful exits. "I'm not really feeling the chemistry" and "I'm taking a break from dating" are full explanations! There's really no need to draw it out and make it weird.
(All that said, I think the response you actually sent sounds totally fine!)
posted by catoclock at 9:56 AM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
"I don't want to hear "[...] "I find you sexually unattractive" after three dates!"
I got this unsolicited feedback once, and it's something that can't be unheard. I chalked it up to them not being in the dating pool for a couple decades, but still -- it was awful to hear one's worst fears about themselves be confirmed.
So that's another side of this -- you may not get a helpful answer at all, but something much more damaging.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:09 AM on February 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
I got this unsolicited feedback once, and it's something that can't be unheard. I chalked it up to them not being in the dating pool for a couple decades, but still -- it was awful to hear one's worst fears about themselves be confirmed.
So that's another side of this -- you may not get a helpful answer at all, but something much more damaging.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:09 AM on February 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
People just lose interest out of nowhere and you don't know why :/
I was trying to set up a date with a guy that I liked/met while in summer school, once I got home. I left a message (after a few conversations) saying "Tag, you're it." He never replied. I felt stupid about this, but let's face it: if they stop caring, they stop caring, and a dumb joke probably had nothing to do with it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:47 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
I was trying to set up a date with a guy that I liked/met while in summer school, once I got home. I left a message (after a few conversations) saying "Tag, you're it." He never replied. I felt stupid about this, but let's face it: if they stop caring, they stop caring, and a dumb joke probably had nothing to do with it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:47 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
Simple stuff that can be fixed!
If they thought it was simple stuff that can be fixed, they would very likely just adress the issue so that you can fix it, before writing you off completely. Like, If I were really into someone and really thought whatever gave me pause was a small thing that could be easily fixed, I would definitely think that's worth a try!
That person in question obviously doesn't, and that kinda already gives you all the information you need.
posted by sohalt at 11:29 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
If they thought it was simple stuff that can be fixed, they would very likely just adress the issue so that you can fix it, before writing you off completely. Like, If I were really into someone and really thought whatever gave me pause was a small thing that could be easily fixed, I would definitely think that's worth a try!
That person in question obviously doesn't, and that kinda already gives you all the information you need.
posted by sohalt at 11:29 AM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
they said that they "wanted to be friends and decided to pause on dating." I would believe this reason, if
this isn't a reason, it's a statement of intent. the reason why they decided to stop dating you is not disclosed so there is nothing to believe or disbelieve. and no, there is no polite obligation or expectation that they will expand on it if asked. the polite thing to do is to inform you clearly, instead of just never speaking to you again and blocking you on all channels, and they did that. please don't make them sorry they did the civilized thing.
btw I would choose to be charitable and take "wanted to be friends" as a euphemism rather than a lie. unless you were friends with the person before dating them, that's what it usually is.
as to the worry that you offended them, you could have replied something like: "Thanks for letting me know - I had a great time with you and I hope that last joke I sent didn't offend- sorry if it did!" and then "best of luck in your future endeavors" or whatever awkward closing formula comes to mind, I don't know how people end these things. But nothing longer than that and certainly no questions.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:45 AM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
this isn't a reason, it's a statement of intent. the reason why they decided to stop dating you is not disclosed so there is nothing to believe or disbelieve. and no, there is no polite obligation or expectation that they will expand on it if asked. the polite thing to do is to inform you clearly, instead of just never speaking to you again and blocking you on all channels, and they did that. please don't make them sorry they did the civilized thing.
btw I would choose to be charitable and take "wanted to be friends" as a euphemism rather than a lie. unless you were friends with the person before dating them, that's what it usually is.
as to the worry that you offended them, you could have replied something like: "Thanks for letting me know - I had a great time with you and I hope that last joke I sent didn't offend- sorry if it did!" and then "best of luck in your future endeavors" or whatever awkward closing formula comes to mind, I don't know how people end these things. But nothing longer than that and certainly no questions.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:45 AM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
> you may not get a helpful answer at all, but something much more damaging
This. Fully honest dating feedback is likely to be hurtful, and massaging that feedback into a gentler, less-hurtful format takes quite a lot of emotional energy that most people are not going to be willing to invest.
For an example of what 100% honest dating feedback sounds like, here's what I theoretically could have given as negative feedback to someone I recently stopped seeing after a few dates:
If I REALLY felt like putting in the effort, I could maybe spend a few hours massaging some of the above points into a very kind message with lots of gentle padding, sandwiched with compliments -- but that's quite a lot of emotional energy to spend on someone who's essentially an acquaintance, and even so, there would be a risk of seriously hurting his feelings.
So for that reason, if he had asked for feedback (which he didn't), I probably would have said something less detailed, but equally true, like "I think you're a really cool person but I'm just not feeling an attraction."
posted by mekily at 12:20 PM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
This. Fully honest dating feedback is likely to be hurtful, and massaging that feedback into a gentler, less-hurtful format takes quite a lot of emotional energy that most people are not going to be willing to invest.
For an example of what 100% honest dating feedback sounds like, here's what I theoretically could have given as negative feedback to someone I recently stopped seeing after a few dates:
- Your house was cluttered and unclean, including the bedsheets where we sat to watch a movie
- Before we sat down to dinner, you didn't attempt to clear the table of clutter, set out water glasses and napkins, or any other little things that I consider pretty basic to enjoying a nice meal together
- You gave confusing signals that made me feel like you were lacking social skills -- for example, you offered to cook me dinner, and then asked whose place we should do the date at (I assumed it would be at yours if you were cooking -- who invites themselves over to someone else's place to cook for the second date?)
- You got an awkward pained expression on your face whenever you were listening to me closely, which I found off-putting
- When I sent a text before the date setting expectations about moving slowly, you responded positively but with a barrage of 10 texts that was just way too much for my level of investment in this date
- In general I felt that you were just way more invested in this situation than I was, and our energy levels were not matched.
If I REALLY felt like putting in the effort, I could maybe spend a few hours massaging some of the above points into a very kind message with lots of gentle padding, sandwiched with compliments -- but that's quite a lot of emotional energy to spend on someone who's essentially an acquaintance, and even so, there would be a risk of seriously hurting his feelings.
So for that reason, if he had asked for feedback (which he didn't), I probably would have said something less detailed, but equally true, like "I think you're a really cool person but I'm just not feeling an attraction."
posted by mekily at 12:20 PM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
As you said, there's a certain vibe/chemistry that takes a being interested in having a good time at typical first/second date and wanting to have a romantic/sexual relationship. Unless that vibe is there, it's not worth continuing a dating relationship and it has nothing to do with the person being bad or inappropriate. Unless your joke was entirely over the top, like a joke about cancer when their father died of it or their religion, I doubt it was the cause of the fade.
posted by Candleman at 12:30 PM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Candleman at 12:30 PM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
wouldn't be nice if we actually gave honest feedback to people!
No! I don't want this in early dating! And I wouldn't read too much into the thing about pausing or being friends or having fun on dates. Those are things that people say out of kindness or because they're white lies meant to smooth an awkward social situation.
We just don't really get to know the truth, which is often complex, and part of the social contract is trying to be semi-gracious in rejections, especially in early dating. I told a guy once that I wasn't feeling it, and he tried to argue with me. "But we had so much fun when we took our dogs hiking!" The thing was, I didn't have all that much fun. That person was super into me, and I was trying hard to give him a chance, but I just wasn't into him. Part of the reason he had fun was because I was trying hard to keep up the conversation and I asked him a bunch of questions, but I was pretty meh the whole time.
I often end things early when I realize some of our core values aren't aligned. I don't necessarily want to have that conversation, because I don't want to argue about it. Because I don't need to have a reason to not want to date someone, and certainly I am not obligated to tell them.
I think the problem here is that you were into this person. You said you thought they were into you, but the issue is perhaps more that this stings because you like them. And sometimes it's hardest when it's early and we are still into them, because most of what we are thinking about that person is a fantasy because we don't know them all that well yet. So I'd say to focus on that -- sitting with the discomfort of the rejection and not really knowing what it's about.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:56 PM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
No! I don't want this in early dating! And I wouldn't read too much into the thing about pausing or being friends or having fun on dates. Those are things that people say out of kindness or because they're white lies meant to smooth an awkward social situation.
We just don't really get to know the truth, which is often complex, and part of the social contract is trying to be semi-gracious in rejections, especially in early dating. I told a guy once that I wasn't feeling it, and he tried to argue with me. "But we had so much fun when we took our dogs hiking!" The thing was, I didn't have all that much fun. That person was super into me, and I was trying hard to give him a chance, but I just wasn't into him. Part of the reason he had fun was because I was trying hard to keep up the conversation and I asked him a bunch of questions, but I was pretty meh the whole time.
I often end things early when I realize some of our core values aren't aligned. I don't necessarily want to have that conversation, because I don't want to argue about it. Because I don't need to have a reason to not want to date someone, and certainly I am not obligated to tell them.
I think the problem here is that you were into this person. You said you thought they were into you, but the issue is perhaps more that this stings because you like them. And sometimes it's hardest when it's early and we are still into them, because most of what we are thinking about that person is a fantasy because we don't know them all that well yet. So I'd say to focus on that -- sitting with the discomfort of the rejection and not really knowing what it's about.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:56 PM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
Many times people don’t know what’s not clicking—even if they’ve been putting effort into making it click—or they do know but talking about it is painful. Asking people to detail how and why they feel about you is a close friends request not a “we went on a few dates” request.
posted by brook horse at 3:33 PM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by brook horse at 3:33 PM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
If you have a hard time reading cues in general and want feedback on how you date, your could ask your friends. Even do a mock date, if one of them is up for it, and have them let you know if there are things you're doing that are really out of norm. (You can decide whether you want to change them or find the person who likes that sort of thing, depending on what it is and how important it is to you.) Friends will also tell you, if you ask, how your general appearance, hospitality, home upkeep, and whatnot are, so you can decide if one of those is something you want to work on. Ask a good friend and ask them to focus on changeable things. (And you don't have to change things, this is just to get the feedback you want. Don't forget that people like all sorts of things and people, you just have to find the one who likes your sorts of things.)
posted by blueberry monster at 12:06 PM on February 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by blueberry monster at 12:06 PM on February 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
Sometimes people just click with each other, and sometimes they don't. As hard as it is, shrug it off. Someone who will share the magic with you is out there, and when you find that person, you'll know. This may sound like cliched advice---it's cliched because it's true. It's a natural phenomenon that happens every day. Your turn is coming!
Wishing you all the best!
posted by ragtimepiano at 1:59 PM on February 20, 2023
Wishing you all the best!
posted by ragtimepiano at 1:59 PM on February 20, 2023
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And I don't feel like I was given the opportunity to apologize.
There's nothing about an apology that necessarily requires a conversation. In this situation, I don't think there was anything stopping you from texting something like "Oh, too bad, I was having a good time, but I respect your wishes. By the way, I'm sorry for my comment about _________" and leaving it at that, without expecting any kind of response.
posted by AndrewInDC at 7:15 AM on February 13, 2023 [25 favorites]