How to talk to my teenage son about not leaving evidence of masturbation

December 19, 2022 7:42 PM

My 13 year old son is leaving a mess on his pillows, often. It's very evident. It's gross to walk in and see it. I tell him he needs to change his sheets but even if he changes them once a week, the rest of the week i'm seeing this mess because it happens daily. I don't think he realizes we know what's happening. I have no issue with his activities, only the mess it leaves behind for all to see. I also want him to understand this is not cool so he doesn't gross out a roommate or romantic partner in the future. Is there a way to talk about this without embarrassing him or causing him to feel shame? I'm his mom. His dad doesn't want to talk to him about it because he thinks it will mortify our son.
posted by wurly to Human Relations (31 answers total)

How about separating the mess and dirty linen from the activity.
“Son, your pillow case is dirty- you need to wash your towels and pillow case now”
“ Son, I put a roll of paper towels in your room— it should help to keep your pillow case cleaner.”
“Son, your pillow case is dirty— if you put it in the laundry basket with the bathroom rugs I can wash it for you.”
“Son, what can you do during the week so I don’t have to see your dirty pillow cases? Do you need your own laundry basket?”
posted by calgirl at 7:53 PM on December 19, 2022 [6 favorites]

Why are you seeing it at all? If he's old enough to be jacking off, he's old enough to make his own bed, do his own laundry, and clean his own room.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:03 PM on December 19, 2022 [69 favorites]

Best answer: Can you allow him some plausible deniability and say, "hey, you must have a cold because I've been noticing your pillow looks really gross -- I guess your nose has been running at night. You gotta keep a clean pillowcase because that's gross. We can get you some extras so you can swap them out more often, but also make sure you have this kleenex box." Then, later, when he's older, he'll realize you knew.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 8:09 PM on December 19, 2022 [40 favorites]

A lot depends on how much of a sex talk (and how detailed) you've had with him. If you haven't had one, now's the time. It's better to be straightforward about this stuff, so that he doesn't think of his body as shameful.

Your husband is honestly the best person because, presumably, this is a problem he solved for himself. There are several techniques (socks, kleenex, etc.) that keep messes to a minimum. And your son does need to know, just like he needed to know how to deal with boners and shaving and all the rest. It's basic hygiene. You had to teach him to use toilet paper in the bathroom and tissues to blow his nose. If he were a girl you'd have to talk about managing period blood.

If you can get him to, your husband doesn't have to bring you into it at all; just have him go in, say, "hey I wanted to tell you some options you might want to know about" and then talk about his own experiences and how he dealt, or didn't with masturbating, with an emphasis on how normal it is and that pretty much ALL boys have to figure it out. That way, he's embarrassing himself a little and making it easier for your son.

Bodies are weird and embarrassing in general! You cannot possibly talk to a teenager about anything sexual without both of you feeling some embarrassment! It's ok.

If the husband still won't, and you must, then keep it very fact-based, and hygiene focused. You noticed that his pillowcases are getting dirty, and you know why, and you understand and it's natural but it's not good for the pillows. Leave him some lotion and kleenex and a trash can and tell him to use those instead and that you expect him to empty the trash frequently. Expect him to be embarrassed, and you, but neither of you will die from it.

And if he has follow up questions tell him to ask his dad.
posted by emjaybee at 8:13 PM on December 19, 2022 [41 favorites]

Don't worry about mortifying him. He's being gross and thoughtless. If he's mortified, he'll get over it. I'd just tell him, "Son, don't leave messes on your pillow. I don't want to have to clean it up. Figure out some way, a sock or tissues or something, but take care of it yourself. If you have more questions you can talk to your dad. Understood?"

Really, there's no need to tiptoe around this. His discomfort is not your job. Just be straightforward.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 8:39 PM on December 19, 2022 [34 favorites]

Former 13-year-old-boy here. Embarrass him a bit with a direct conversation (in private; no need to go nuclear in front of the family); it's a low-stakes way for him to grow a little skin and you can modify behavior better by creating in him an emotional desire to avoid talking with his mom about this EVER AGAIN. That's your leverage: "Are you enjoying this conversation? We're going to keep having it until you can clean up after yourself."
posted by Sunburnt at 8:50 PM on December 19, 2022 [30 favorites]

Yeah, I agree with emjaybee that your husband should provide your son with some masturbation 101 - there is no reason his pillow case needs to get dirty every day. Maybe it will be momentarily embarrassing for your son, but that's being a teenager. If your husband is open and straight forward about it, it will not be a source of shame - you don't even have to address the pillow cases - just "Hey son, I figure you're of an age where it would be appropriate for me to give you some advice regarding masturbation...."
posted by coffeecat at 8:56 PM on December 19, 2022

I hate to say it, but there's no way to discuss it without mortification, and it should be his dad's talk. "Please don't jerk it everywhere so your mom has to find that and knows what you're doing" certainly sounds bad, but so does your mom knowing what you're doing.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:05 PM on December 19, 2022 [10 favorites]

Best answer: If it’s you that has to confront him, there’s no embarrassment in asking him to stop blowing his nose on the pillow cases while handing him a box of tissues, and that he’ll need to do the laundry next time it happens.
Really, his father should have a talk with him.
posted by artdrectr at 9:35 PM on December 19, 2022 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Nthing the “blowing your nose” approach, based on my own experience: when I was 13ish some family members asked me more than once to stop blowing my nose in the shower. I had never blown my nose or masturbated in the shower, but all 4 other people in the house were women. Given that there was no specific reason to suspect me of nose-blowing, I surmised that they must think I’m wanking in there. If I had actually been wanking I definitely would have stopped & believed I dodged embarrassment.
posted by xueexueg at 9:54 PM on December 19, 2022 [4 favorites]

Maybe an announcement like this:

Hey everybody, I think we as a household should up our household game a bit. We're all spending more time at home and that's great -- we should make sure our home is the kind of place that's always inspiring and beautiful, and that means clean. Now, I'm not going crazy here -- no scrubbing the grout with a toothbrush every night -- but let's stay super on top of all, and I mean _all_, messes. If I track mud into the house on my shoes, I'll try to clean it up immediately. If I need to move things around on my dresser to accommodate a pile of laundry or something, I'll put it back in order immediately. If Dad gets toothpaste on the bathroom counter, even though it's a bathroom and not a "public" space, we're going to keep things clean and wipe up that toothpaste immediately. And if the bedsheets get stinky because the thermostat was too high overnight, or if I notice I've gotten food or drool on the pillowcase or on a sweater, we're going to put those into the laundry and wash them -- or at least rinse them -- immediately. We aren't the kind of people who let messes sit, because that way lies madness. Your room should feel like a comfortable, welcoming space all the time, because we all need beauty and clean space in our lives, especially now.

The above isn't perfect -- I hope you can customize it to make it a lot better. But it is an approach that might avoid embarrassment. It focuses on the principles _behind_ wanting him to keep stuff clean, and turns the discussion into a positive change rather than a shameful deficit. Because that's what's really happening, yes? There was a status quo of expected cleanliness and behavior, and now he's being introduced to a new underlying principle of cleanliness -- not leaving goop sitting around in the bed. That idea is generalizable to the entire house and all its inhabitants; if you can find a way to focus on that in a way that will encourage him to generalize it, maybe that could solve the problem.

Another idea: tell him you're going to go into his room a few times over the next few days, with him there, with the idea of redecorating or helping him figure out if there need to be changes since he's getting older. Give enough notice that he _can_ get things cleaned up on his own. If he doesn't, you can perhaps notice the mess with him there, and, while not asserting that you know what it is, make it clear that the room and bed need to _always_ be cleaner than that. ... Hmm, you could also make sure he has an adequate nightstand and give him a box of 'nightstand tissues' in case he gets a runny nose at night.
posted by amtho at 11:09 PM on December 19, 2022 [3 favorites]

Is there a way to talk about this without embarrassing him or causing him to feel shame?

Be open and straightforward. How many times have you communicated with him about other types of mess over the course of his life? Body fluids are just another thing we don't leave lying around. There are basic hygiene reasons for that.

We learn what is modeled for us. If you don't want him to experience shame or embarrassment about his sexuality in a more general sense, you can bring to this conversation an attitude that masturbation is not inherently embarrassing or shameful or a particularly weighty topic.
posted by aniola at 11:46 PM on December 19, 2022 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Don’t bring the attitude that he’s being “gross and thoughtless” into it— at that age you’re still transitioning from being a kid whose bodily fluids WERE just recently your parent’s responsibility, and he’s probably starting to develop enough of a sense of privacy that he feels like his bed is his private space, unaware that it’s not as private as it feels. This is a pretty sensitive time.

The issue is the mess; I think calgirl is right that telling him he needs to clean his messy linens when they get visibly messy is perfectly fine. He may or may not put two and two together that you know, but treating it matter of factly is respecting everyone else’s boundaries without being needless sex shame into things.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:52 PM on December 19, 2022 [31 favorites]

It’s natural & good at this age that he’s individuating away from his mother by grossing her out a little bit. He can make his own bed. OP, you can take this as your signal to step back a little way from daily nurturing care, and let him do what he needs to do.

No shame, no secret messages left on his bed, no euphemisms about how he maybe has a bad cold. It is what it is, and he’s not doing anything wrong. Nor are you, OP! Just leave him to it.
posted by rd45 at 12:34 AM on December 20, 2022 [7 favorites]

Best answer: “Hey, I’m your mom and as you are aware babies come from having sex. As such, I *ahem* know what dried ejaculate looks like. Very pro you enjoying your body! But I don’t want to be seeing the evidence. Cool? Cool.”
posted by Bottlecap at 1:25 AM on December 20, 2022 [6 favorites]

Leave a note on his bed.

"Recently I've noticed semen stains on your pillowcase/doona/blankets/sheets. Masturbation and wet dreams are both very normal and very healthy, and actually reduce the risk of prostate cancer in men. I need you to use tissues or a handtowel to stop semen from getting on your bedding, and if you accidentally get semen on the pillowcase or the sheets, I need you to put them in the washing machine and run a laundry cycle."

Also, buy him some sort of do not disturb sign to hang on his door handle so that you don't accidentally walk in on him.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:46 AM on December 20, 2022

Best answer: There's a scene from Weeds where the uncle character (who is helping out after his brother's death) discusses masturbation with his nephew in a cheerful, friendly, non-shaming, matter-of-fact way, including how to not leave a mess. It's played for laughs but it's also very well-done.

I would suggest finding the scene on YouTube and watching it with your husband, and seeing if it reduces the awkwardness around the topic.

Ultimately, you can't resolve the cleanliness issue until everyone gets over the mortification.
posted by champers at 3:05 AM on December 20, 2022 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Does he have a stack of spare pillowcases and a laundry basket he can put the dirty ones into? “Clean up after yourself” might not be clear enough.
posted by third word on a random page at 3:09 AM on December 20, 2022 [9 favorites]

I'm sorry, but your husband really shouldn't plead potential embarrassment when it comes to talking about sexuality with your 13yo son. As his parents, he is going to be looking to you for input on what exactly a healthy sense of sexuality is. This is exactly the type of thing you *want* to have an open line of communication about and it needs to start sooner, rather than later.

I never in a million years thought that I'd be having some of the conversations I've had with young dancinglamb at the (frighteningly young) age I did, but as they got older, I can't begin to tell you how glad I am that ydl is doesn't think twice about coming to me with thoughts, questions, and concerns at 20yo. And, btw, some of the discussions we have are just as enlightening to me as it is to them!

He's a teenage boy. There's all levels of grossness that comes with that. Bathroom seats left up, pee on the floor, skanky laundry, questionable linens, filthy towels, sneakers that could wake the dead. And, yes, he should be doing his own laundry at this point!
posted by dancinglamb at 6:05 AM on December 20, 2022 [10 favorites]

Mom of 41 year old son and 13 year old grandson here. My advice is: Eh, just leave him alone and don't worry about it. Give him his privacy. It's just another phase like poopy diapers. Just put waterproof pillow covers on his pillows to protect the pillows (but still use pillow cases), put a laundry basket in his room, and tell him that at his age it is time for him to start helping with the laundry. Give him a small list of items he'll be responsible for laundering: eg, towels, sheets and pillowcases, underwear, pj's, (whatever). My son was tall and big at that age and I got so tired of lugging his heavy large and long wet jeans out of the washer that I let him know that from now on he'd need to wash his own jeans. So he did ... easy-peasy.
posted by SageTrail at 6:27 AM on December 20, 2022 [7 favorites]

This doesn't have to be complicated. Dad has to get over himself and have a *very* short conversation with son:

"Hi Son. This conversation might make you a bit uncomfortable. Masturbation is normal & healthy, but please clean up after yourself properly. Ejaculate onto a tissue and throw it away or flush it. If happens on your bedding, do your laundry. That's it."
posted by gnutron at 6:45 AM on December 20, 2022 [6 favorites]

I think there’s a possible middle path between telling him you know what the stains are and pretending that it’s mucus from a runny nose. You can just say you saw something on his pillowcases, and that if it ever gets on there again he needs to put them in the laundry right away.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:11 AM on December 20, 2022

I just kind of called my son out on it in a somewhat casual way. "Hey, I know what the lotion and tissues are from. Whatever, I don't care, I do it too. Just clean up after yourself. Like seriously. No one needs to be picking that up after you."
posted by slogger at 8:18 AM on December 20, 2022 [6 favorites]

nthing stoneandstar’s comment above. I dated a man who was deeply ashamed of and grossed out by his own ejaculate in his mid-thirties - please don’t set your kid up for that by telling him that it’s gross. Would you tell a daughter that period blood on her sheets is gross? Since you and your husband want to teach your kid without shaming him, try to get past your own feelings of squickiness and embarrassment. A teacher who is grossed out or mortified by the content of the lesson will teach those judgments more strongly than any facts.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 9:19 AM on December 20, 2022 [18 favorites]

Is there a reason why you're going into his room? If it's because you're going in to talk to him, while you're in there, say, "It looks like your pillowcase is dirty; wash it." If you're going in there when he's not around, stop.

I think it's usually best to err on the side of giving teens more privacy rather than less. Most kids' hygiene improves as they get older, but if his doesn't, you can teach him how to avoid grossing out his roommates closer to when he's moving out.
posted by metasarah at 9:40 AM on December 20, 2022 [2 favorites]

Also whatever you decide, I'll just throw out there that sometimes when there was something sex-and-body awkward to talk about, my dad would sometimes say, "I promise, we never have to talk about this again if you don't want to," or, "We're gonna say this once, and then pretend like this conversation didn't happen," and he always really kept his word! It was like a perfect little escape hatch and in a lot of ways helped me trust him even more. (It was clear I was welcome to talk about it if *I* wanted to. My parents were pretty open about safe sex and periods and all that, but that doesn't mean it feels AWESOME to talk to your parents about sex as a teen. It's awkward!!!)
posted by Charity Garfein at 2:51 PM on December 20, 2022 [3 favorites]

Are you sure it's semen?

When I was an adolescent, I had acne, and for some reason my adolescent mind decided this was horribly shameful, so I "hid my acne" and ended up surreptitiously getting some benzoyl peroxide to self medicate. It tends to leave weird stains and bleach fabrics.
posted by soylent00FF00 at 4:46 PM on December 20, 2022

Ew no, tell him you don’t care what it is but if it comes out of his body it needs to go into a tissue or get washed *now*. Same rules as for snot or blood or poop.
posted by aspersioncast at 8:02 PM on December 20, 2022

Talk to your son about masturbating. Get extra wash cloths, kleenex, paper towels and leave them in his room.

If you can't talk to your son about masturbating, talking about even more important issues will be hard. I talked to my son about sex, masturbation, birth control, etc., a lot, and early, including sending him the classic meme. You can do this. It can be good to have talks in the car to avoid dreaded eye contact. Doesn't have to be a Huge Deal. Pick a moment, take a breath, Pat, everybody masturbates, it's ordinary and fine, but you should be using a kleenex to keep things tidy.

Puberty also means talking about managing erections in public, using deodorant, sex, how to treat women, that porn has no relationship to real sex, and a lot more. The 1st chat is weird and you feel nervous, but you'll be glad you opened the door to difficult conversations.
posted by theora55 at 7:21 AM on December 21, 2022 [4 favorites]

Whatever the resolution, please don't let your husband off the hook here. Doing so is just part of that whole shitty thing where women absolve men of needing to know anything about communication, cleanliness, and emotions.
posted by donnagirl at 6:52 AM on December 22, 2022 [9 favorites]

Nthing the “blowing your nose” approach, based on my own experience: when I was 13ish some family members asked me more than once to stop blowing my nose in the shower. I had never blown my nose or masturbated in the shower, but all 4 other people in the house were women. Given that there was no specific reason to suspect me of nose-blowing, I surmised that they must think I’m wanking in there. If I had actually been wanking I definitely would have stopped & believed I dodged embarrassment.

If you are wondering why they are thinking it in the absence of your contribution it will almost certainly be because they have misidentified someone's hair conditioner as semen.
posted by srboisvert at 6:24 AM on December 24, 2022 [1 favorite]