Help me figure out what my kid should do this summer.

February 13, 2018 4:50 PM

Parents of kids around 15ish, I need advice for figuring out what my kid will do this summer, since he's too old for the camps he used to attend, but too young for some other options. Bonus: he doesn't want to do anything. Help.

I could use some parental guidance about hitting that sweet spot where I get my kid squared away for the summer without making him too miserable, without feeling like I'm just forcing him in an authoritarian way, yet without getting steamrolled by his desire to be a layabout.

I need for him to be in some scheduled, all-day activity for a minimum of four weeks this summer. The rest of the time we have a combo of travel, some pre-planned stuff, and yes, I am willing to let him lie around and play videogames for some of the summer. But I know my kid, and left to his own devices he will lie around and play videogames alllll summer. For my own sanity -- and also my need to continue my freelance work -- I need to find something for him to do for four weeks.

The gist:
-- He's aged out of the great camp he used to go to. That camp has no "counselor in training" program, and he's too young to be a full counselor. He also professed to be unintersted in me contacting the camp to see if they'd take him as a CIT even without a formal program.
-- He wants to do nothing this summer. When pressed, he's identified some recreational stuff he wants to do, but it's basically like "Yeah, I'll do a little X, and a little Y." X and Y are things that happen far from home, which would require me driving him.
-- There are other camps, obviously. Science camps, programming camps, (his favorite activity) camps, backpacking, etc. He rejects all. Day camps, sleepaway, whatever.
-- He's technically not old enough to work, though I've tried to think of ways he could do some off-the-books work (help out in Grandpa's work) for which I'd pay him. He's not interseted.

I could keep on going, but you get the gist. So parents: how do you motivate a teen in this scenario? Do you just put your foot down and say "choose, or I'll choose for you"? Do you let them lie around until they get good and bored, and then -- say, mid-July -- try to find something for them to do?

I should also add: child is happy and healthy, though his whole life long is on the more trepidatious side, just as a matter of his personality. He *never* wants to jump into something new, though once he does he always has a good time.

posted by BlahLaLa to Human Relations (37 answers total)

What are his friends doing?
posted by jbenben at 4:55 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

You could have him volunteer or be a volunteer intern. Options include helping out at the local library or at the local bike shop or community organization of your choice. There may be a community center or makerspace where you live where nice adults will teach your kid life skills in exchange for him helping out.
posted by ball00000ns at 4:57 PM on February 13, 2018 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: The friends thing is complicated. Some are vastly wealthier than we are, and go to an expensive camp all summer long. Some are quite poorer than we, and are left to their own devices all day long while parents are at work. Two weeks of the summer will be at a sleepaway camp with friends.

We live in L.A. and because Reasons, all of the closest friends live in places far from our house. 30 min by car, 1+ by multiple buses.
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:58 PM on February 13, 2018

Fifteen is old enough to discover on his own how boring it is just to lie around all the time. Let him be. He won't be interested in work as long as you're funding his lifestyle, though. I'd tell him that next summer he needs to be earning his own pocket money.
posted by praemunire at 5:24 PM on February 13, 2018 [26 favorites]

15 is a great age to learn life skills! He'll grump at you for it now but will really appreciate knowing how to balance a bank account, fix a leaky faucet, sew on a button and cook a real dinner when he is older. Check for places that offer adulting 101 or related courses (community colleges, craft stores, technical colleges) or take a trip to your local library to check out some books on typical home repair, cooking for teens, and adulting in general.
posted by donut_princess at 5:31 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Can he get anywhere on his own? And is the issue that you need him out of the house a certain amount so that you can get your work done? Because you could offer a few choices: camp, volunteer work, or going to the library or park for a few hours each day while you work. (Or if you could work with him home, but not with interruptions or loud noises, then have rules about that.)
posted by Margalo Epps at 5:33 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

I like the part about working with Grandpa. If that's a good option, then let him know that he needs to work X amount of hours this summer with Grandpa. He can figure out the schedule, but it needs to be set up ahead of time, not waiting until the last minute. If he does his work, then he can goof off in his free time.
posted by hydra77 at 5:34 PM on February 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

Do you have any friends with kids who need an assistant or mommy's helper type of thing?
posted by hydra77 at 5:35 PM on February 13, 2018

I'd leave him alone, but give him a list of expectations for helping around the house on the weeks he's not otherwise occupied (cooking dinner a few nights per week, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, laundry, etc.). This may motivate him to find other things to do with his time, but worst case scenario is he's learning how to be a decent housekeeper and you get a bunch of chores off your plate.
posted by metasarah at 5:41 PM on February 13, 2018 [28 favorites]

When our son was that age he took over a lot of the housework for the summer and got a boost in his allowance which saved us from constantly being hit up for money. It only amounted to about 20 to 30 minutes a day but he had to do it. Empty the dishwasher daily plus something like vacuum the first floor (or second or third) or clean both bathrooms or do the cat boxes. We also threw in a sous chef night so he’d learn a few skills that way but our resident chef (his father) eventually preferred to work alone. It worked out and he knew every summer wasn’t going to be like this. And it taught him to handle his own money. Oh, and he got his first aid certification.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:41 PM on February 13, 2018 [7 favorites]

At that age, I have a friend that set up an uber or lyft account that she controlled for her kids so they could get around without her playing chauffeur.

Surely a museum or botanical garden needs volunteers for the summer?
posted by jbenben at 5:42 PM on February 13, 2018

Can he start to learn how to drive?
posted by saturdaymornings at 5:43 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

If he's been in scheduled things all previous summers, and next year he'll be old enough to legally drive and work, why not just let him have this summer off to loaf?
posted by fluttering hellfire at 5:46 PM on February 13, 2018 [24 favorites]

He's technically not old enough to work

When school is not in session, minors aged 14 and 15 may be employed no more than eight hours in a day or 40 hours in one week between 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. During the summer, however, from June 1 through Labor Day, these minors may work until 9:00 p.m. (California Labor Code § 1391.)

(Not that I am encouraging this! But if he'd be interested, he is eligible for a work permit.)

My actual suggestion: reading lists, so he'll be ahead for next year's school requirements or for some subject that really interests him. Your local library might be running a summer reading challenge.

On preview - exactly, I'm pro-loafing for the unscheduled weeks he has. Draft an agreement so you can still get your work done.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:49 PM on February 13, 2018 [5 favorites]

My daughter works at a day camp where a lot of the (abundant) staff are junior counselors. I'm not sure they actually get paid - their parents may actually pay a fee for them to be junior staff members, but I'm not sure about that. Daughter is a full counselor in a bunk, say of 5 year old campers. The juniors help herd them to the swimming pool, herd them back, get them to ceramics and music and so forth. With younger campers it's about numbers of counselors, with the older ones it's about a sort of hero-worship. Weird, but rewarding to the junior counselors, and perhaps interesting to your son? They were there in numbers, like 3 to a bunk, so lots of opportunity to socialize. In fact, my daughter said socializing was sometimes problematic and distracting, and there was a rule (imperfectly enforced) that had them separated from their phones during working hours.

The counselors forged a community and really loved it, as much as they groused about the rules. Can you ask around for day camps with programs like this? I know that many of the junior counselors had schedule restrictions because of family vacations and the like. Many zoos and museums also offer week-long day camps and depend on abundant teenage staff.

A plus is that some camps offer (and pay) counselors to be bus monitors for campers.

Where are you located? Mefites might have suggestions!
posted by citygirl at 5:59 PM on February 13, 2018

I got a work permit when I was 14 and worked in a grocery store and an ice cream stand during the summer. My brother started his own business washing boats for rich people at the same age. (He used some of that money as a down payment on his first home.) My parents motivated us by putting us on a budget. My mom would buy, say, x pairs of generic jeans for the school year in the fall but if we wanted a brand name or additional pairs we were expected to pony up. We were also expected to pay for our own entertainment. Video games, gas for the car when we got our licenses, dinner out with friends, movies, memberships to clubs/gyms, etc. My parents were pretty well off, too, so it wasn't a question of money. It was more of a teachable moment type thing.
posted by xyzzy at 6:10 PM on February 13, 2018 [5 favorites]

Does his school offer any for-credit courses over the summer?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:11 PM on February 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

Give him your expectations and let him solve them. I’d say at that age it would be reasonable that he would spend 3 hrs/day for 3 of his 4 weeks on something productive, being “paid work, contributing to the community (volunteering/helping), or education.” That’s a total of 45 hrs that he needs to put in during the free weeks on something. Get him to research and write a plan.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:18 PM on February 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

Modern loafing probably equals xbox or other video games and not old-fashioned useful loafing - he probably will not get bored unless you remove all the electronics. I say go for organized learning, volunteering, or working or a combination that will help him to determine what he wants to do (or doesn't want to do) for the future. Nothing is not a good answer to what do you want to do. At a minimum, earning money will at least provide that experience. Search "NameOfLocalOrganization summer high school" for local opportunities. This is the right time of year to find applications, internships. Some learning activities are free. Working with Grandpa sounds great. Supposedly offering A and B choices are the way to go with teens, you can choose ... A or B. Good luck. Many local stores here - fast food, ice cream, laser tag - hire 15 year olds.
posted by RoadScholar at 6:35 PM on February 13, 2018 [5 favorites]

Also, you may want to ask the counselors at his school if they have ideas as they usually are on the receiving end of info on summer opportunities.
posted by RoadScholar at 6:40 PM on February 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

He can take over all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry if he doesn't come up with something to do that you approve of. Excellent life skills.
posted by kjs4 at 7:03 PM on February 13, 2018 [5 favorites]

Oh boy, send him my way! I could find heaps of ways for a bored teen to help around the house! And that's what I'd tell him - either he signs up for something or YOU will find a way to fill his time, and he may not necessarily enjoy it all.
posted by Jubey at 7:38 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Volunteer! I was about that age when I started volunteering at the local science museum. It was actually a blast because they let us do all the small hands on experiments (like making slime) at the stations scattered around the museum. Got to wander around the museum during breaks. And if you were really lucky, you got to help out with the bigger science shows or help with the IMAX theater and just watch movies all day.

The hours were basically 9-5 too so my dad would drop me off on his way to work then pick me up once he got done too.
posted by astapasta24 at 7:51 PM on February 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

At this age I put in a lot of time volunteering at my local library. Mostly, I shelved books in the children’s section.
posted by telepanda at 7:52 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

I’m not a parent but I remember my mom let me lay around and read all summer around that age IF I did all the laundry, meal planning, and cooking (including baking desserts and packing my parents’ work lunches! Good deal for them.) Frankly I was probably depressed and should’ve gotten out more, but reading and home skills are hard to argue with.

I did have some kind of music lesson and library club so I wasn’t totally homebound.
posted by kapers at 7:59 PM on February 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

Seconding astapasta24's advice. When I was a year older than your son, I volunteered at the American Museum of Natural History for the summer. I loved it. First of all, about half the volunteers were kids my age (the other half were retired people), so it was a lot of fun, sort of like being at camp. We got in free to all the special exhibits, and it was cool for us to get to go to places in the museum the public didn’t get to see. They mostly had us staffing the information desks, and that was a great way to learn to deal with the public; it’s actually been a very useful skill through a lot of my working life. If there’s an interesting museum in your area, that might be something to look into.
posted by holborne at 8:42 PM on February 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

I did TONS of camps it was my thing. I did a 6 week creative writing camp that I got a scholarship for when I was 15 in New Orleans. That was super cool (it also was a high school elective credit I think) I did the same thing at 16 for film, and at 17 I took a summer session at UCLA. I also did space camp (real and a off brand version). I did church camps (lots of them), sports camps, and other day camps when younger.

But, you do need some buy in from your son. Being stuck at a camp someone doesn't fit into is a frustrating, lonely experience.

I think your going to need to talk to him about expectations and help him solve this with you. "I need you or if the house regularly for a month(word nicer), I thought a camp would be the best option, but you don't seem to want to do that. What do you want to do instead? How can we make this work for both of us? "

There are so many options. Be firm you need concrete plans, if he can't provide them then you will plan something. But allow him the chance to figure this out. Bring up your concerns, "xyz activity is good but far away. How will you get there because I can't drive you? " (he might actually figure something out!)

Good luck!
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:50 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Yes, I automatically assumed that he has chores and that they increase a bit during vacation, but now that metasarah mentions it I realize that, for some reason, some parents actually don't make their kids do such things. But being otherwise unemployed around the house is a fair basis for expecting more pitching in, or for starting to do so, if it has somehow come to pass that an otherwise able fifteen-year-old is not doing his own laundry.
posted by praemunire at 8:52 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

He is definitely old enough to work. We all worked which was fine as we were all very industrious except my younger brother who was a sloth. He worked as little as possible and only jobs he enjoyed. He did however cook in the summer and he was excellent at it. So there's that.
posted by fshgrl at 8:58 PM on February 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

I have a son who sounds a lot like yours. Or at least reacted around that age to his summer the way yours did. He ended up going on a hiking, biking and rafting tour with Overland. I cannot say enough how much he enjoyed it and how much he grew as a person that summer. It was just a few weeks, but so worth it.

Warning: the next summer, at 16, he rode his bike cross country, from South Carolina to California with a group of 12 people. Be careful, he may enjoy it!
posted by AugustWest at 9:28 PM on February 13, 2018 [5 favorites]

A vote for making this his problem - I would probably say "find something or I will pick it for you" then give him the minimum parameters and a deadline. If that doesn't get him moving, let him know specifically what the backup plan would be. (If it is not too awful, he might just procrastinate and go along because it easier than finding something on his own.)

Having him hang out and home and do extra chores creates the possibility of real aggravation for you when you spend all day either wondering if the chores are going to get done or fighting with him about it. I'm with you on the idea that he needs to be out of the house.
posted by metahawk at 9:28 PM on February 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

What works on my 9 Year old, who is resistant to any extracurricular activities other than watching TV, is to make it very clear that during the time she would be participating in the activity screen time is off limits and she will instead be doing housework. She suddenly became very interested in learning the piano.
posted by waving at 7:16 AM on February 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

What about a learn to code camp, or an improv class for teenagers? Can he start driver's ed this summer in California?

Not a parent, but I have a kid brother the same age, so I know that sometimes it's like pulling teeth to see what they're interested in. For what it's worth, my little brother will be working to make some pocket money, but it'll probably be seasonal/part-time, and our parents are both on board with that. He's also gonna be getting his fair share of lying around and playing video games, plus some free time with friends to go swimming/play basketball/general loafing. Also, for what it's worth, he is allowed to commute for an hour on the subway/bus.
posted by spicytunaroll at 8:48 AM on February 14, 2018

When we were in high school the parents of a friend of mine set him up working with another friend who had a construction business. Out of the house, real world skills, money.

If you don't know anyone in a skilled trade, maybe your son can do some work for Habitat for Humanity?

All of the colleges have "Kids College" classes, maybe he can at least go to a morning class, and be allowed to loaf about during the afternoon? (ETA if you're interested in going this route, be sure to check out community colleges, they are generally more accessible for kids.)
posted by vignettist at 9:53 AM on February 14, 2018

Sounds like the kind of kid who could really use a 14-28 day Outward Bound course. My mom's boss did this for me and it changed my trajectory.

Some Summers mom made me pick classes so one year it was archery, horseback riding and golf. Two of those are useful apocalyptic skills. Push him!
posted by Mr. Yuck at 10:05 AM on February 14, 2018

Maybe he could apply for part-time summer jobs at places where an employee discount would be extra meaningful to him, like a game store or movie theater?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:37 AM on February 14, 2018

So, everyone saying "he should get a job" -- summer jobs aren't as easy to get as when we were teens. The sorts of stuff we did (I say, generalizing freely) go to adults now.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:08 PM on February 14, 2018 [4 favorites]