How to leave someone you love?
November 28, 2022 11:38 AM Subscribe
I have realized somewhat recently that I need to leave my partner of 8 years. However, I still love them deeply, and am having trouble coming to terms with the sorrow and the loss.
We are mid-30s, het relationship, together though many cities, career changes, and growing up.
The last year has been very hard for us - they had a career opportunity that caused them to move across the country (I do not want to move there for a variety of reasons, including the location, my own career, and my family). The stress and challenge of that situation has led me to see some additional foundational challenges in our relationship. My partner is extremely kind, smart, and sweet - but also unable to meet all my needs, in particular around being emotionally present and connected.
Between the logistic challenges (Where to live? Whose career to prioritize? How to handle constant back and forth travel and having two apartments?) and the more foundational challenges (I realize I have been in some ways deeply lonely in this relationship long before this year), I have decided I need to move on.
However, I still love them deeply. I am still, in many ways, in love with them. They are not bad, they are not abusive, they love me deeply, and they have done many things to support me and make my life good. We have almost a decade of history together, including a lot of big and important adventures and life events (though no children). We, for a long time, thought, acted, and spoke like we were each other’s forever person.
I feel like my heart is literally ripping out my chest (and has been for over six months). Sitting and waiting is incredible painful - I miss them badly, and the loneliness of distance and lack of connection is breaking my heart; but the idea of calling them and saying we’re over also breaks my heart.
Part of me knows that I need to break up with them, and part of me wonders if - since it hurts so bad - it's the wrong thing to do.
Looking for advice, support, anecdata on how to proceed.
Thank you <3
We are mid-30s, het relationship, together though many cities, career changes, and growing up.
The last year has been very hard for us - they had a career opportunity that caused them to move across the country (I do not want to move there for a variety of reasons, including the location, my own career, and my family). The stress and challenge of that situation has led me to see some additional foundational challenges in our relationship. My partner is extremely kind, smart, and sweet - but also unable to meet all my needs, in particular around being emotionally present and connected.
Between the logistic challenges (Where to live? Whose career to prioritize? How to handle constant back and forth travel and having two apartments?) and the more foundational challenges (I realize I have been in some ways deeply lonely in this relationship long before this year), I have decided I need to move on.
However, I still love them deeply. I am still, in many ways, in love with them. They are not bad, they are not abusive, they love me deeply, and they have done many things to support me and make my life good. We have almost a decade of history together, including a lot of big and important adventures and life events (though no children). We, for a long time, thought, acted, and spoke like we were each other’s forever person.
I feel like my heart is literally ripping out my chest (and has been for over six months). Sitting and waiting is incredible painful - I miss them badly, and the loneliness of distance and lack of connection is breaking my heart; but the idea of calling them and saying we’re over also breaks my heart.
Part of me knows that I need to break up with them, and part of me wonders if - since it hurts so bad - it's the wrong thing to do.
Looking for advice, support, anecdata on how to proceed.
Thank you <3
Best answer: I'm sorry you are faced with such a difficult decision and an emotionally gut-wrenching action you need to take. I have been there, as have many. It's easier in some ways when you can vilify your partner and have the clarity that brings; when you love them and it just doesn't feel right... that's really hard.
What can the heart tolerate? The pain of the breakup will be immense-- your heart will break twice as the actor in this breakup, once for yourself and once for your partner, whose heart you are breaking. The pain of fighting the truth (that it is time to break up) is also immense. It doesn't make sense to compare them in quantity; they are both just immense, but... the pain of fighting the truth will not stop, and will not heal, whereas the pain of a breakup will.
posted by MyBeautifulThrowaway at 11:47 AM on November 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
What can the heart tolerate? The pain of the breakup will be immense-- your heart will break twice as the actor in this breakup, once for yourself and once for your partner, whose heart you are breaking. The pain of fighting the truth (that it is time to break up) is also immense. It doesn't make sense to compare them in quantity; they are both just immense, but... the pain of fighting the truth will not stop, and will not heal, whereas the pain of a breakup will.
posted by MyBeautifulThrowaway at 11:47 AM on November 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Well, better to leave this relationship while you still love your partner than waiting til the frustration and resentment and unmet needs built even more. It's much healthier to end a relationship when you realize that these things can be both be very impossible:
You love this person
This relationship isn't sustainable (or fulfilling or meeting your needs, etc)
So instead of, "We are together because I love them," how about, "I love them and me too much to stay in a relationship that isn't working."
So start embracing things that seem like contradictions:
Instead of, "I want to break up, but I love them," go with, "I do love them, and I want to end the relationship."
Break ups are really hard. You tried for a long time to make this work. Ending a relationship doesn't mean the relationship failed. You are not obligated to continue in this relationship because it's not always bad. You can break up for reasons other than abuse. It's okay to break up when it's not good enough. Listen to Dear Sugar.
Go, even though you love him.
Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.
Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.
Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.
Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.
Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.
Go, even though you once said you would stay.
Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.
Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.
Go, even though there is nowhere to go.
Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.
Go, because you want to.
Because wanting to leave is enough.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:03 PM on November 28, 2022 [15 favorites]
You love this person
This relationship isn't sustainable (or fulfilling or meeting your needs, etc)
So instead of, "We are together because I love them," how about, "I love them and me too much to stay in a relationship that isn't working."
So start embracing things that seem like contradictions:
Instead of, "I want to break up, but I love them," go with, "I do love them, and I want to end the relationship."
Break ups are really hard. You tried for a long time to make this work. Ending a relationship doesn't mean the relationship failed. You are not obligated to continue in this relationship because it's not always bad. You can break up for reasons other than abuse. It's okay to break up when it's not good enough. Listen to Dear Sugar.
Go, even though you love him.
Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.
Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.
Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.
Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.
Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.
Go, even though you once said you would stay.
Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.
Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.
Go, even though there is nowhere to go.
Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.
Go, because you want to.
Because wanting to leave is enough.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:03 PM on November 28, 2022 [15 favorites]
Best answer: my partner of 11 years dumped me out of the blue one day, even though i'm pretty sure she still loved me at the time. the relationship wasn't working anymore for many reasons (upon reflection) and i know now it was probably very hard for her, but also very courageous and brave. i was also unhappy (for reasons besides the relationship) and it is unlikely i would have ever broken up with her. so if she hadn't taken that hard, painful, but necessary step, we'd still be in an unhappy place 8 years later, and that's not fair to either of us.
i met a wonderful person, she met a wonderful person, and we are both undoubtedly much happier than we ever would have been if we had stayed together. and we are still friends and still care for each other.
it will be hard. and it will hurt a lot. and it is almost certainly the best thing you can do for both of you.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:49 PM on November 28, 2022 [13 favorites]
i met a wonderful person, she met a wonderful person, and we are both undoubtedly much happier than we ever would have been if we had stayed together. and we are still friends and still care for each other.
it will be hard. and it will hurt a lot. and it is almost certainly the best thing you can do for both of you.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:49 PM on November 28, 2022 [13 favorites]
Best answer: bluedaisy is right about embracing things that may feel contradictory.
First, can you honor your relationship, and your shared love, by setting each other free, or releasing the space you were holding for each other? It is a loving thing to do, to unburden someone.
Second, is there _anything_ that would fix things? In some way, the relationship is already broken, you can't break it further, so this is a time to experiment with drastic measures.
Third, it's possible to grow in ways that make you incompatible and then later grow together again. You can leave them, and leave the door they walked out of open for them - and anyone else you might come to love - to come into your world again.
Fourth, it is better to end before you are full of resentment and acrimony, or someone cheats, or you hate each other. This is a hard one of course, because it's a lot easier to leave someone you don't like.
Godspeed, tubesocks
posted by fake at 12:51 PM on November 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
First, can you honor your relationship, and your shared love, by setting each other free, or releasing the space you were holding for each other? It is a loving thing to do, to unburden someone.
Second, is there _anything_ that would fix things? In some way, the relationship is already broken, you can't break it further, so this is a time to experiment with drastic measures.
Third, it's possible to grow in ways that make you incompatible and then later grow together again. You can leave them, and leave the door they walked out of open for them - and anyone else you might come to love - to come into your world again.
Fourth, it is better to end before you are full of resentment and acrimony, or someone cheats, or you hate each other. This is a hard one of course, because it's a lot easier to leave someone you don't like.
Godspeed, tubesocks
posted by fake at 12:51 PM on November 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: You cannot finish mourning the end of the relationship - which has already happened - until you complete the difficult steps of finalizing everything.
It doesn't mean it's wrong because it hurts, it just means that it sucks and life doesn't always hand us clean-and-clear choices. This is one of the hardest kind of breakups because you can't point to A Thing and say that right there, that's why. It's about what's missing, when the missing stuff can't be fixed even if everyone really tried. It's just a fatal incompatibility. It's the nature of most relationships - they work until they don't, and that's true of romantic, family, work, friendships, hobbies, and business as well.
You've given yourself plenty of time to make sure this isn't a whim, and to exhaust all attempts to reframe it in a way that works for you. It's not a rash decision. It appears to be the only decision left to make.
I think the appropriate set of steps is to first tell your partner you want to set a dedicated time to have a State of the Union talk, and then at that time summarize your feelings and that you're reaching the conclusion that there's not a reasonable path forward for you anymore. Either they are going to agree they're in the same place more or less, or this is their opportunity to make their case for some alternate solution. That alternate may be "I'm fine like it is and you should figure out how to be fine too" in which case you're going to have to make the call, but chances are high that an amicable conclusion can be reached together.
And on the off chance they have some kind of Hail Mary in their pocket, this is a good way to be sure you've done your due diligence.
I'm sorry, this sucks and nobody can really make you feel better about it, but we can tell you to trust yourself. You know your feelings on this. You will feel okay again one day and it will be sooner than you can imagine at the moment.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:54 PM on November 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
It doesn't mean it's wrong because it hurts, it just means that it sucks and life doesn't always hand us clean-and-clear choices. This is one of the hardest kind of breakups because you can't point to A Thing and say that right there, that's why. It's about what's missing, when the missing stuff can't be fixed even if everyone really tried. It's just a fatal incompatibility. It's the nature of most relationships - they work until they don't, and that's true of romantic, family, work, friendships, hobbies, and business as well.
You've given yourself plenty of time to make sure this isn't a whim, and to exhaust all attempts to reframe it in a way that works for you. It's not a rash decision. It appears to be the only decision left to make.
I think the appropriate set of steps is to first tell your partner you want to set a dedicated time to have a State of the Union talk, and then at that time summarize your feelings and that you're reaching the conclusion that there's not a reasonable path forward for you anymore. Either they are going to agree they're in the same place more or less, or this is their opportunity to make their case for some alternate solution. That alternate may be "I'm fine like it is and you should figure out how to be fine too" in which case you're going to have to make the call, but chances are high that an amicable conclusion can be reached together.
And on the off chance they have some kind of Hail Mary in their pocket, this is a good way to be sure you've done your due diligence.
I'm sorry, this sucks and nobody can really make you feel better about it, but we can tell you to trust yourself. You know your feelings on this. You will feel okay again one day and it will be sooner than you can imagine at the moment.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:54 PM on November 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I feel like my heart is literally ripping out my chest (and has been for over six months). Sitting and waiting is incredible painful - I miss them badly, and the loneliness of distance and lack of connection is breaking my heart
Personally, I would at least share all of this with them first and see how they respond. What if they responded with "Hey, you're more important than my career - if it's been this career move and being in a relationship with you, I'll happily start applying for jobs in your hometown" - how would you react to that? Would you still want to end the relationship? Would they consider couples therapy with you?
This is of course not to suggest you shouldn't break up - ultimately you know more about this relationship than anyone here - just that clearly it seems like holding in this secret is eating at you, so stop keeping this secret from them.
posted by coffeecat at 3:11 PM on November 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
Personally, I would at least share all of this with them first and see how they respond. What if they responded with "Hey, you're more important than my career - if it's been this career move and being in a relationship with you, I'll happily start applying for jobs in your hometown" - how would you react to that? Would you still want to end the relationship? Would they consider couples therapy with you?
This is of course not to suggest you shouldn't break up - ultimately you know more about this relationship than anyone here - just that clearly it seems like holding in this secret is eating at you, so stop keeping this secret from them.
posted by coffeecat at 3:11 PM on November 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all so much for the kind and sage words. I started the conversation with my partner, and have read and re-read this thread multiple times for support and wisdom. I appreciate you all more than I can say.
(also, fake, "Godspeed, tubesocks" made me laugh, thank you)
posted by tubesocks at 11:38 PM on November 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
(also, fake, "Godspeed, tubesocks" made me laugh, thank you)
posted by tubesocks at 11:38 PM on November 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It may help you to frame this not so much as a decision you are making to break up but dealing with a breakup and moving on. You don't mention anything that indicates the situation will change in the future. I'm sorry for your loss, the end of an 8-year relationship is hard.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 11:44 AM on November 28, 2022 [21 favorites]