I physically can't confront people / express needs - Roommates

September 13, 2022 5:33 AM

I suck at normal, healthy adult communication. I want to raise something with my roommate (something on the same level as "would you mind not using all the dishes and not washing them for a week" sort of thing). And I just can't do it. How can I reframe this in my mind?

I just feel physically unable to do that, whether in a text or face to face. I worry that I would come across as an uptight, nagging busybody that doesn't let my roommates just live their lives in peace in their own home. And that the other person will feel hurt and judged and scolded. And that all of this would make me regret having said something. And so I think, rather than go through that whole debacle, I will just take 10 minutes to wash the dishes myself. Are these feelings valid? Or is this just some sort of people-pleasing guilt? Are you someone that just goes ahead and says these things without a second thought, and if so, how does it go?

posted by iamsuper to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Best answer: Not only are your feelings totally valid, but you are not alone! This kind of confrontation is so, so hard for so many people, and you've captured that difficulty perfectly when you describe the physical feeling of impossibility attached to it.

I, a person who in the past has tanked my own life in multiple ways rather than risk making other people feel uncomfortable, have managed to get better at having these difficult conversations. In no particular order, here's what's helped me:

1. Scripts. I don't think quickly or well on my feet, and it takes me ages to recognize and understand my own feelings, which means that I get thrown totally for a loop in surprise difficult conversations. So, I've developed some pre-packaged words and phrases and sentences that help to mitigate the loopiness. For me, it helps to lean into short, positive formulations. I say things like "Roommate, it would be totally awesome if you could..." I avoid explanations and apologies so that the interactions can be quick and to-the-point, like pulling off a bandaid. If the person wants to get into explanations for whatever reason, I say, "Gotcha! Let me think about that and get back to you." If I signal that things aren't a big deal, they seem to stay not a big deal.

2. Practicing these scripts and these encounters. All of this gets much, much easier with practice, and I have a therapist and some lovely friends who have helped me anticipate and talk through scenarios and refine my scripts. The first few real-life confrontations will be awkward and not-ideal, but you'll get the hang of things!

3. Accepting that I can't actually know how people will feel or even what they're thinking. My ability to invent whole internal lives & complex motivations for other people does not actually map on to the real internal lives & complex motivations of other people. I can't stress this one enough. I've very, very often been wrong about what I thought was going on in someone else's head!

4. Learning that anger is ok. For unimportant reasons, I have internalized the idea that anger is dangerous and something to be avoided at all costs - in other people and in my own self. This has been a huge source of my aversion to confrontation. I'm now learning that anger is just another feeling that can be totally valid, full of useful information about boundaries and fairness in the world, and doesn't have to lead to a catastrophic event. It's ok to be angry, and it's ok to express needs in a civil and responsible way. This one is still hard for me, but I'm working on it.

You can do this! Take one small step: if you could say one calm, light sentence to your roommate about the thing, what would it be?
posted by Hellgirl at 6:13 AM on September 13, 2022 [21 favorites]

I do plan out generally what I'd like to say and how to say it, but the thing that actually helps me when I feel stuck and can't get the words out is literally doing a countdown in my head. I give myself a countdown of 15 or 10 seconds and when I reach 1, I have to do the thing.

I find it a tiny bit calming in that I have a few seconds to distract myself from thinking 'oh god I don't wanna do this I don't wanna do ittt' and instead I'm just counting, but you also kind of have to make a promise to yourself that you'll actually do the thing once you reach 1. Only a few times I've balked once I hit 1, and then I just restarted the count from the top. It's a little weird but it works for me!
posted by rachaelfaith at 6:20 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]

This internet stranger will stick their neck out and maintain that standards around usage of shared space, work or home, on the level of e.g. dishes being washed adequately within a window morning -> night or night -> next morning, are non-controversial and should be dealt with in as matter-of-fact, non-personal, direct manner as possible.

I think the title of your post already hits one nail on the head ; confronting people and expressing needs are not always both necessary parts of a goal-oriented inter-personal interaction. You have a reasonable, practical need regarding being able to live your life in peace in your own home... communicating what that need is is not the same thing as confronting someone.

One possible approach to reframing is to, wherever possible, remove the "I" and the "You" from the equation. Try formulating how you would like things in your home environment to be without any reference to yourself or your roommate, then work backwards from there. When it comes to scripting how you will bring up the subject, try to stick to "We" e.g. "please could we talk about a few things to do with the upkeep of our shared space?"

For me "would you mind not..." falls into a set of negatively constructed social language markers that put the personal first when ... not always, but maybe ... it really doesn't need to be, for anyone involved.
posted by protorp at 6:45 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]

Unless you're living with callous jerks, your roommates probably would prefer to know that these is a problem than to have you quietly simmering with irritation with months.

I hated doing this myself, and what made it easier for me was to start with a positive "Hey, you know I generally enjoy living with you" or "Hey, it's nothing personal, but.." If it's for something obvious, like not doing their dishes, people will rarely argue with you. It can create a slightly awkward moment, but like all moments it will soon pass.
posted by coffeecat at 6:50 AM on September 13, 2022 [4 favorites]

I am terrible at this kind of thing, so I do plan out scripts in my head, and it does help.

But here's a thing I've learned over the years - it's okay to be awkward, and to flail around a bit when you say hard things to people. You're a human being, you're talking to another human being, and chances are this other human being has felt the same things you do when having to start a difficult conversation. There's nothing wrong with admitting vulnerability in the situation up front; it gives them an opportunity to match you and be vulnerable too.

If it's something really small, there's no need to make a big deal of it - but if it's something really bothering you, and you think the conversation could be hard, just name the problem you're having for them.

For instance, with my boss last week, I had to say some negative things about a coworker's performance in another department, and I find that horribly difficult, especially if I really like the coworker (and I did). So I started off with "I'm finding this really awkward to say, so please forgive me if I stumble around a bit" and then just tried to be as factual and calm as possible about the problem and what I needed to resolve it.

Most decent people will not immediately jump to defensive or think ill of you if you express your needs, as long as your needs are reasonable and you approach them with kindness. If they do, they're the wrong person to live or work or anything with.
posted by invincible summer at 7:04 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]

I have to give a ton of feedback in my job so I try to use the “shit sandwich” technique. Give sincere compliments on both sides of the criticism, and phrase the criticism as neutrally as possible, and also open the door for them to do the same.

Compliment:
I love living with you and I actually was thinking today about how lucky I feel that I have a fun roommate and we can joke around and stuff.

Open the door:
As I was thinking about it I realized there’s one aspect of our home life that I wish we could adjust, and then I realized I wanted to also check in on your end to see if you had anything you want us to adjust!

Neutrally-phrased criticism:
So for me, sometimes there are a ton of dirty dishes… I would like to ask that we stay on top of dishes and don’t leave them dirty, clean them within an hour (or whatever specific request you have, use a number to make it specific).

And I wanted to make sure if there’s anything I do that you wish I would change, you feel comfortable letting me know too - if there is, please let me know! I wanted to be sure we can communicate well because

Compliment:
I really like our living situation together.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:12 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]

I don't think there's a need to over-complicate this to be honest. "Can we work it out so that dishes are washed daily?" is a non-judgemental, calm request.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:40 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]

Srsly, practice. Write notes, practice out loud. It can be as simple as Hey Roomie, would you please wash dishes more often. Yeah, you have the right to ask for more, but you don't have to.

Imagine the worst case. Then imagine the best case. Reality is likely to be pretty-good case in that roomie will agree, but may or may not change behavior.

What gets rewarded gets repeated. Every time roomie washes dishes, thank them. It's so nice to have clean dishes. It's so nice when the sink is clear. Thanks for getting to the dishes. Read the Shamu article.

You deserve a cleaner home. You deserve the ability to speak up, and it's a fabulously useful life skill. Baby steps get you closer.
posted by theora55 at 9:34 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

I really think the simpler the better in situations like this. There’s no need to feel sheepish about having preferences. Face to face is best but text is OK if you’re uncomfortable. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the dishes, the kitchen has been too messy for my liking lately. What do you think about a ‘wash dishes before bed’ rule?”
posted by hungrytiger at 12:16 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

Even though in theory the guidance is easy I found a couple sessions of counseling very useful for like, identifying the difference between "hey, the dishes are all dirty, could you please wash some?" / "... could you please wash them before dinner time tomorrow?" and "hey, could you please not leave dirty dishes everywhere?" (generalized, accusatory, negative).

Like I would think I was doing the "ask kindly for what you want and why" and instead I was expressing the whole frustration and generally starting off like we were already having a fight, because that was what I had to do to psych myself up to say something. Counseling helped a lot and it did not take long.

Counseling also helps with the likely next part, where you try to figure out if your roommate's slovenliness is something they are willing to change, how to handle the time when they get annoyed at you because they are tired or depressed or don'wannaaa even though you asked perfectly, and all the other general friction of asking a person to change. But it's a super valuable life skill.
posted by Lady Li at 6:31 PM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]

Oh, I will say, one thing: Approaching someone with a problem is generally kinder and more respectful than approaching them with a specific solution. So once you've pointed out a couple of specific times ("could you please come wash...?") and want to talk about them not leaving all the dishes dirty, go to them with your need - "I need room to cook / use the kitchen" or "I need some clean dishes regularly so I can make dinner", not with a specific demand like "wash dishes every night". You may end up in the same place but start with what you need, and let them be part of figuring out the solution, so they can own it too.
posted by Lady Li at 6:38 PM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]