How to enjoy hosting overnight guests?
August 21, 2022 1:00 PM Subscribe
My partner and I like to live in cool places, and we greatly enjoy hosting friends/family for daytime activities. But we both find that we struggle with how to handle guests in the evenings. In general, our guests wouldn't be able to afford a hotel easily or live far away, so offering our place to stay overnight is the difference between them coming or not. Can you offer any tips on how we might soothe some of the stress of having people stay with us in the evenings and overnight? More details below.
We are great at daytime activities -- we enjoy all manner of outdoor stuff, museums, community events, etc., and we love to take our visitors out to do interesting things during the day. We also like to hang out with them at home for long leisurely breakfasts, cooking a meal together, or some downtime hanging in the hammock, snacking, etc. - it doesn't have to be go, go, go. However, when evening rolls around, we get awkward. We are not big on dining out or bars, and we don't tend to want to spend on big ticket events or have local small venues that we frequent/can confidently recommend. (We know these things exist, but we don't keep the pulse of them so much and for COVID reasons, typically don't go to things that are crowded.) In general, we like to spend our evenings at home quietly -- reading, internetting, eating dinner, maybe watching a show, and going to bed fairly early for adults, like 9pm-ish.
We find that our guests often want to "do something" in the evening and they expect us to advise them and participate. But often, we are tired from the daytime activities and ready for a break from hosting. We'll make suggestions to try to point them in the right direction, but most guests don't seem to want to do stuff on their own, so the evening just kind of drifts along awkwardly with everyone lounging about the house wanting something a little different and tossing out potential ideas that get shot down. Sometimes we'll play a board game/card game, but it feels like we're just killing time 'til it's acceptable to go to bed.
I feel self-conscious that our guests think we are boring or not fun, even if we've just had a great day together. I feel stressed and anxious that I am ruining their trip by not having "stuff to do" that suits them for all hours of the day. I feel rude if I go hide away by myself, and my feeling of responsibility for the guests' good time makes it hard to relax if I suspect they are not satisfied. I feel embarrassed that I love going to bed early. But also, I want to rest to be able to be a good host the next day, and that means I need recharge time.
What are your techniques for managing these issues? How do you successfully encourage guests to get out on their own or enforce your own boundaries around downtime while hosting? We know that we could just not let people stay overnight with us, but I'm focused in this question more on how to improve how we behave and feel in the situation where they are staying with us. I'd love any and all advice -- thank you!
We are great at daytime activities -- we enjoy all manner of outdoor stuff, museums, community events, etc., and we love to take our visitors out to do interesting things during the day. We also like to hang out with them at home for long leisurely breakfasts, cooking a meal together, or some downtime hanging in the hammock, snacking, etc. - it doesn't have to be go, go, go. However, when evening rolls around, we get awkward. We are not big on dining out or bars, and we don't tend to want to spend on big ticket events or have local small venues that we frequent/can confidently recommend. (We know these things exist, but we don't keep the pulse of them so much and for COVID reasons, typically don't go to things that are crowded.) In general, we like to spend our evenings at home quietly -- reading, internetting, eating dinner, maybe watching a show, and going to bed fairly early for adults, like 9pm-ish.
We find that our guests often want to "do something" in the evening and they expect us to advise them and participate. But often, we are tired from the daytime activities and ready for a break from hosting. We'll make suggestions to try to point them in the right direction, but most guests don't seem to want to do stuff on their own, so the evening just kind of drifts along awkwardly with everyone lounging about the house wanting something a little different and tossing out potential ideas that get shot down. Sometimes we'll play a board game/card game, but it feels like we're just killing time 'til it's acceptable to go to bed.
I feel self-conscious that our guests think we are boring or not fun, even if we've just had a great day together. I feel stressed and anxious that I am ruining their trip by not having "stuff to do" that suits them for all hours of the day. I feel rude if I go hide away by myself, and my feeling of responsibility for the guests' good time makes it hard to relax if I suspect they are not satisfied. I feel embarrassed that I love going to bed early. But also, I want to rest to be able to be a good host the next day, and that means I need recharge time.
What are your techniques for managing these issues? How do you successfully encourage guests to get out on their own or enforce your own boundaries around downtime while hosting? We know that we could just not let people stay overnight with us, but I'm focused in this question more on how to improve how we behave and feel in the situation where they are staying with us. I'd love any and all advice -- thank you!
Tell them before they arrive. You’re happy to do joint daytime activities, you tend to have quiet evenings. If they want to join you for that they are welcome. But here is a list of local restaurants and event venues (ask co-workers or friends for recommendations if you like), that they could check out without you. They’ll have a key and be welcome to come and go as they please.
That way they can figure out what they want to do or not. They can also do any research on restaurants or events they may want to do. What is important is that people who are not used to exploring new to them places can get quite anxious about this kind of thing. If they are staying with you, they may not have done much/any preparation or detailed planning. By setting clear expectations they know they have to come up with evening stuff or to bring some reading or knitting or whatever to enjoy quiet evenings with you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:27 PM on August 21, 2022 [12 favorites]
That way they can figure out what they want to do or not. They can also do any research on restaurants or events they may want to do. What is important is that people who are not used to exploring new to them places can get quite anxious about this kind of thing. If they are staying with you, they may not have done much/any preparation or detailed planning. By setting clear expectations they know they have to come up with evening stuff or to bring some reading or knitting or whatever to enjoy quiet evenings with you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:27 PM on August 21, 2022 [12 favorites]
IMHO this is a conversation that starts when the initial discussion is made about hosting. "Partner and I would love to have you, and there's lots we can do together in the mornings / afternoons. Something you you should keep in mind when planning is that partner and I start winding down for bed right after dinner. We're happy to suggest some nightlife, and leave you a key or suggest some local hotels/ air bnbs if that would align with your schedule better.
Then on follow-up planning conversations you can ask the guests what their plans are for the evenings. "As I've mentioned before < partner and I are getting old/ have embraced the covid lifestyle / need to recharge our inner introverts > and turn in early in the evenings. What are you thinking of doing during the evening and is there anything I can do to help?"
I think as long as you are managing expectations up front, reasonable people will be fine.
posted by oceano at 1:29 PM on August 21, 2022 [13 favorites]
Then on follow-up planning conversations you can ask the guests what their plans are for the evenings. "As I've mentioned before < partner and I are getting old/ have embraced the covid lifestyle / need to recharge our inner introverts > and turn in early in the evenings. What are you thinking of doing during the evening and is there anything I can do to help?"
I think as long as you are managing expectations up front, reasonable people will be fine.
posted by oceano at 1:29 PM on August 21, 2022 [13 favorites]
Clear communication of expectations ahead of time. Everyone knows that I am a curmudgeon and I like to do approximately one Thing and one Meal for any given day of visiting. Other meals don’t need to be special or unique, other activities don’t need to involve everyone or be unusual.
So an example day might be a small breakfast at home while guests go for a walk or run or read a book and I do some chores or errands, we go out to lunch at a place with a patio on the beach, then go downtown for a museum that afternoon, dinner is something simple at home, maybe watch a movie or sit around and yack for a while, I say “okay I’m going to be alone now, you got everything??” And then I go be in my room. Or, we could hang out all day, maybe a walk in a park or go grocery shopping to get stuff for future meals, I intentionally take an afternoon nap, then splash out for a fancy restaurant before going to a concert that night. Or, wake up and do a fancy brunch, hang out and chill for the afternoon, invite people over for delivery drinks and boardgames in the evening.
Generally, there is a plan ahead of time, and if my guests bring up extra things I say “sounds like you’d like to do that! Here’s what you need for it/how to get there/my extra key/suggestions for food nearby.” For example, this old friend of ours came to visit a couple months into training for a marathon. In no universe will I ever go running. We gave him suggestions for trails nearby with views and such, made sure he had a key and know how to ensure the front door was locked behind him, and showed him places to stop for breakfast nearby. Worked out great! Similarly, a cousin wanted to go do some bar hopping. We put him in a Lyft and sent him off to a neighborhood with a bunch of breweries, made sure we could see his phone’s location, had him text us when he was ready to come home, we sent a Lyft for him, and he came home drunk and happy and passed out on the couch.
I live in a beautiful city with lots of reasons for folks to visit. But my friends and family have learned that I am not going to be their 24/7 tour guide. We make plans ahead of time, not to stick to them no matter what but so that if changes are desired everyone gets to speak up about them, and if guests are unsure what to do with themselves I suggest things like naps, reading, walking, crafts, and movies.
posted by Mizu at 1:35 PM on August 21, 2022 [5 favorites]
So an example day might be a small breakfast at home while guests go for a walk or run or read a book and I do some chores or errands, we go out to lunch at a place with a patio on the beach, then go downtown for a museum that afternoon, dinner is something simple at home, maybe watch a movie or sit around and yack for a while, I say “okay I’m going to be alone now, you got everything??” And then I go be in my room. Or, we could hang out all day, maybe a walk in a park or go grocery shopping to get stuff for future meals, I intentionally take an afternoon nap, then splash out for a fancy restaurant before going to a concert that night. Or, wake up and do a fancy brunch, hang out and chill for the afternoon, invite people over for delivery drinks and boardgames in the evening.
Generally, there is a plan ahead of time, and if my guests bring up extra things I say “sounds like you’d like to do that! Here’s what you need for it/how to get there/my extra key/suggestions for food nearby.” For example, this old friend of ours came to visit a couple months into training for a marathon. In no universe will I ever go running. We gave him suggestions for trails nearby with views and such, made sure he had a key and know how to ensure the front door was locked behind him, and showed him places to stop for breakfast nearby. Worked out great! Similarly, a cousin wanted to go do some bar hopping. We put him in a Lyft and sent him off to a neighborhood with a bunch of breweries, made sure we could see his phone’s location, had him text us when he was ready to come home, we sent a Lyft for him, and he came home drunk and happy and passed out on the couch.
I live in a beautiful city with lots of reasons for folks to visit. But my friends and family have learned that I am not going to be their 24/7 tour guide. We make plans ahead of time, not to stick to them no matter what but so that if changes are desired everyone gets to speak up about them, and if guests are unsure what to do with themselves I suggest things like naps, reading, walking, crafts, and movies.
posted by Mizu at 1:35 PM on August 21, 2022 [5 favorites]
nth-ing everyone's suggestion to let your guests know before they arrive!
One potential strategy is to have this in writing as part of a guest guide. Example: I've created a "visiting" Google doc to share with guests. In addition to including basic apartment info like address, wifi password and how the composting works, I am creating a list of suggested activities and destinations with links to Google Maps and general info about public transit.
You can list some of the evening possibilities as part of suggested activities, with a "NOTE! You're on your own in the evenings... homebody explanation etc etc."
There are differing cultural expectations that might come into play as well. My Korean from Korea friends have complained that when they have guests from Korea, they are expected to go into full tour guide mode, dawn to bedtime, including going to the same tourist traps for the millionth time.
posted by spamandkimchi at 1:41 PM on August 21, 2022 [4 favorites]
One potential strategy is to have this in writing as part of a guest guide. Example: I've created a "visiting" Google doc to share with guests. In addition to including basic apartment info like address, wifi password and how the composting works, I am creating a list of suggested activities and destinations with links to Google Maps and general info about public transit.
You can list some of the evening possibilities as part of suggested activities, with a "NOTE! You're on your own in the evenings... homebody explanation etc etc."
There are differing cultural expectations that might come into play as well. My Korean from Korea friends have complained that when they have guests from Korea, they are expected to go into full tour guide mode, dawn to bedtime, including going to the same tourist traps for the millionth time.
posted by spamandkimchi at 1:41 PM on August 21, 2022 [4 favorites]
Don’t feel guilty for this—they’re on vacation, you aren’t. Most humans are not jam-cramming their every waking moment with activities. Agree with everyone that you just need to communicate up front. I like having a handy euphemism for “do what you want but leave me out of it.” Like “let’s go on that day hike and out for lunch tomorrow; after 6 is Free Time” or whatever.
posted by kapers at 2:26 PM on August 21, 2022
posted by kapers at 2:26 PM on August 21, 2022
100% just make it easy and unsurprising for them to go out in the evening.
"We're homebodies, we don't go out in the evening. You're welcome to join us for TV or couch reading time after dinner, but of course we understand if you want to go out on your own to enjoy the night life offerings! Some nearby clubs are [X, Y & Z.]"
When they arrive, reiterate this, hand them a key and tell them that you'll enjoy hearing all about their adventures tomorrow.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:27 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
"We're homebodies, we don't go out in the evening. You're welcome to join us for TV or couch reading time after dinner, but of course we understand if you want to go out on your own to enjoy the night life offerings! Some nearby clubs are [X, Y & Z.]"
When they arrive, reiterate this, hand them a key and tell them that you'll enjoy hearing all about their adventures tomorrow.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:27 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
Agreed that it's not on you to entertain them for the evening! I'll confess that we usually just whip out the laptops or books and expect our guests will do the same, but I've been known to offer up the game cabinet and/or TV. And I've now convinced myself that a full day with people isn't what most folks want, and they'll be relieved to have early to bed and/or late to rise time to themselves. I mean, I tell them to help themselves to breakfast, etc, but I tend to retire to my bedroom early and/or rise late.
I've come to embrace my awkward ways more as I get older and host more, maybe? At any rate, my mantra to myself is that they're adults, they can entertain themselves, and as long as we communicate our needs and expectations, they have options for what they choose to do with their evening.
posted by ldthomps at 3:12 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
I've come to embrace my awkward ways more as I get older and host more, maybe? At any rate, my mantra to myself is that they're adults, they can entertain themselves, and as long as we communicate our needs and expectations, they have options for what they choose to do with their evening.
posted by ldthomps at 3:12 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
Yes to communicating your habits ahead of time and offering suggestions while making it clear you won't be joining them. Tbh as a guest I sometimes am looking for time away from my host with my partner/alone, so knowing they're also preferring this makes me more at ease.
Make sure to give them keys, transportation options (I usually give guests a short-time subway pass) and reassurance that they are welcome/expected to go out and come back when they please and that it won't annoy you.
posted by Freyja at 3:37 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
Make sure to give them keys, transportation options (I usually give guests a short-time subway pass) and reassurance that they are welcome/expected to go out and come back when they please and that it won't annoy you.
posted by Freyja at 3:37 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
A bit of a more expensive option, but I have a hot tub I use personally every day. When I have guests they tend to spend the evenings relaxing in it, either with or without my company. I also live in a tourist town and get lots of visitors :)
posted by saucysault at 4:05 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by saucysault at 4:05 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would just say your preference ahead of time: “We’d love to have you stay here! We enjoy daytime activities and then we like to go to bed at 9. We’ll give you a key if you want to go out!”
Make a google doc of about 10 cool things in your area. Compile it by researching airbnb listings in your area, since they often include a digital guestbook with ideas for restaurants and venues. Check your local artsy weekly paper, too.
Your document can list the names of theatres, bars, restaurants, etc, and include a sentence about what they offer, the intersection and the method to get there. You can even suggest little planned outings:
For instance: “Lighthouse Theatre has classic comedies on weekends. It’s a $15 Uber ride away, at the corner of Main St and Center Ave. Leo’s Mexican is right next door and has great tacos for before the show, and margaritas after. Theatre Website, Restaurant Website.”
“Chinatown is great for a walk on Saturday morning. Take the Queen Street bus to the corner of X and Y, grab a pineapple bun at Bakery, then wander south for an hour to P and Q. Make sure to check out shop A along the way. Then stop for dim sum at Golden Dragon (the har gow - shrimp dumplings - are great). Then take a $15 cab home.”
Make it a google doc, include any house details (wifi password, how any finicky house stuff works, etc) and email it to guests a couple days before they arrive.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:06 PM on August 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
Make a google doc of about 10 cool things in your area. Compile it by researching airbnb listings in your area, since they often include a digital guestbook with ideas for restaurants and venues. Check your local artsy weekly paper, too.
Your document can list the names of theatres, bars, restaurants, etc, and include a sentence about what they offer, the intersection and the method to get there. You can even suggest little planned outings:
For instance: “Lighthouse Theatre has classic comedies on weekends. It’s a $15 Uber ride away, at the corner of Main St and Center Ave. Leo’s Mexican is right next door and has great tacos for before the show, and margaritas after. Theatre Website, Restaurant Website.”
“Chinatown is great for a walk on Saturday morning. Take the Queen Street bus to the corner of X and Y, grab a pineapple bun at Bakery, then wander south for an hour to P and Q. Make sure to check out shop A along the way. Then stop for dim sum at Golden Dragon (the har gow - shrimp dumplings - are great). Then take a $15 cab home.”
Make it a google doc, include any house details (wifi password, how any finicky house stuff works, etc) and email it to guests a couple days before they arrive.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:06 PM on August 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
One potential strategy is to have this in writing as part of a guest guide.
I have a place where I spend (most) summers that is near the ocean and people love to come and visit and I like having people.... generally, but I easily wear myself completely out if I try to keep up with my vacationing friends. I usually load it in the opposite way (i.e. I sleep in and have some morning time that is without other people except to say hello and grab coffee but am happy staying up with people in the evenings but definitely never go out and do anything, just cook dinner and sit around and excuse myself at early-for-me time of 11) but I also have a "Things you need to know about the place" email which has a lot of information including things like
- directions and where to park
- where they keys are if they show up when I'm not home
- what amenities they'll have (i.e. fans but no AC, a queen bed and a half bath, full bath down the hall &c)
- what schedule I keep and the fact that I basically don't go to the beach in the summer (crowded! I burn!) but they are welcome to, take my beach pass, borrow kayaks, etc
- some local stuff I think they might like (i.e. fancier restaurants than I would go to, tourist stuff, information about beaches, little map. I think I made a custom Google map with local stuff on it at one point)
The thing that is hardest for me is that while I will often just chill and watch some TV or do some laptopping in the evening, I have a hard time pivoting to that if I have other people not my family/partner around. Like some of the problem was myself being unable to say "Wellp, I am going to bed now" without that feeling abrupt or, as you say, boring or unfun. I think this can be a little easier with a couple (I know it is with me and my partner) where you can both kind of be like "Bedtime for us!" or as my sister puts it "I've got about 30 minutes until I turn into a pumpkin, anything I can get for you before I turn in?" and then it's less abrupt.
So yes some of this is front loading expectations, some of this is you feeling okay that what you are doing is 100% okay, and some of it is practice. Once you start doing it more, it will become easier.
posted by jessamyn at 4:11 PM on August 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
I have a place where I spend (most) summers that is near the ocean and people love to come and visit and I like having people.... generally, but I easily wear myself completely out if I try to keep up with my vacationing friends. I usually load it in the opposite way (i.e. I sleep in and have some morning time that is without other people except to say hello and grab coffee but am happy staying up with people in the evenings but definitely never go out and do anything, just cook dinner and sit around and excuse myself at early-for-me time of 11) but I also have a "Things you need to know about the place" email which has a lot of information including things like
- directions and where to park
- where they keys are if they show up when I'm not home
- what amenities they'll have (i.e. fans but no AC, a queen bed and a half bath, full bath down the hall &c)
- what schedule I keep and the fact that I basically don't go to the beach in the summer (crowded! I burn!) but they are welcome to, take my beach pass, borrow kayaks, etc
- some local stuff I think they might like (i.e. fancier restaurants than I would go to, tourist stuff, information about beaches, little map. I think I made a custom Google map with local stuff on it at one point)
The thing that is hardest for me is that while I will often just chill and watch some TV or do some laptopping in the evening, I have a hard time pivoting to that if I have other people not my family/partner around. Like some of the problem was myself being unable to say "Wellp, I am going to bed now" without that feeling abrupt or, as you say, boring or unfun. I think this can be a little easier with a couple (I know it is with me and my partner) where you can both kind of be like "Bedtime for us!" or as my sister puts it "I've got about 30 minutes until I turn into a pumpkin, anything I can get for you before I turn in?" and then it's less abrupt.
So yes some of this is front loading expectations, some of this is you feeling okay that what you are doing is 100% okay, and some of it is practice. Once you start doing it more, it will become easier.
posted by jessamyn at 4:11 PM on August 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
Quite honestly, this sounds perfectly reasonable. You’ve given them suggestions. If they don’t take them, that’s their fault, not yours. And if they think your boring, well, they’ve got other lodging options, and they’re welcome to take advantage of those.
posted by kevinbelt at 4:53 PM on August 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 4:53 PM on August 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
First, you two sound like wonderful hosts!
Second, I'm very social and like to stay up late but hosting definitely gets exhausting, even when you love your guests!
I like the suggestion of just being direct even before they come: "We turn in early for the night, around 9pm, so you are welcome to stay up at home or stay out as long as you want. Here's a key!" As others have said, if that doesn't work for them, they can get a hotel or Airbnb. As cool as your chosen hometowns may be, the point of staying with a friend for fun* is to be with that friend! If they need their own space and schedule, they can stay on their own and meet up for a meal in or out. Also, a short visit of just 1-3 nights is best until you see if you jibe well in terms of their being kind and considerate guests.
I love staying with friends and am super flexible. I like time to unwind and be alone, too, so finding balance is great. Some of my favorite friends to visit had this cute, if somewhat sheepish line: "we like to go to bed early and sleep in late! Here are some books to read, beer to drink, and a key if you'd like to go out for a walk in the morning. The coffee is ready whenever you turn it on." We had a blast!
*Exceptions for people visiting for unfun reasons like medical care, a funeral or family emergency, etc.
**Not an exception: people are too cheap or can't afford to have a fancy trip on their own but expect you to treat them like kings and foot the bill. There are many free or low-cost ways to have fun; maybe they can't treat you to a meal out as a thank you but they can make you a meal at home or offer to host you on a visit to their home.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:44 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
Second, I'm very social and like to stay up late but hosting definitely gets exhausting, even when you love your guests!
I like the suggestion of just being direct even before they come: "We turn in early for the night, around 9pm, so you are welcome to stay up at home or stay out as long as you want. Here's a key!" As others have said, if that doesn't work for them, they can get a hotel or Airbnb. As cool as your chosen hometowns may be, the point of staying with a friend for fun* is to be with that friend! If they need their own space and schedule, they can stay on their own and meet up for a meal in or out. Also, a short visit of just 1-3 nights is best until you see if you jibe well in terms of their being kind and considerate guests.
I love staying with friends and am super flexible. I like time to unwind and be alone, too, so finding balance is great. Some of my favorite friends to visit had this cute, if somewhat sheepish line: "we like to go to bed early and sleep in late! Here are some books to read, beer to drink, and a key if you'd like to go out for a walk in the morning. The coffee is ready whenever you turn it on." We had a blast!
*Exceptions for people visiting for unfun reasons like medical care, a funeral or family emergency, etc.
**Not an exception: people are too cheap or can't afford to have a fancy trip on their own but expect you to treat them like kings and foot the bill. There are many free or low-cost ways to have fun; maybe they can't treat you to a meal out as a thank you but they can make you a meal at home or offer to host you on a visit to their home.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:44 PM on August 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
I’ll just chime in to say, from the guest point of view, I feel the inverse pressure to “be a good guest” and socialize 24/7 when visiting someone, but the truth is I often want/need down time too! I have greatly appreciated when hosts establish their boundaries about their schedule/down time before the visit because it means I know I’ll get time to rest/decompress as well. I will say, I’m a little past my late-night bar-hopping days, but even when I was younger I remember often feeling tired in the evenings and I would have welcomed the excuse to stay in for the night (and out of my hosts’ hair in my own room). I’ve also happily taken suggestions for things to do in the evenings without expecting my hosts to accompany me. I have had close friends, not so close friends, family members, and even friends of friends offer to host but give me a heads up about their boundaries, and it has made for happy visits all around. I do have friends who are more insistent (and sometimes pushy) about making evening plans, regardless of whether they’re hosting, visiting, or we live in the same city. I love those friends but know I can’t always keep up with them, so I’m a little more judicious about making plans with them and also sometimes just flat out tell them I need a night in. There’s absolutely no reason to feel bad or let friends pressure you into over-extending/exhausting yourself, especially if you’ve put in a full day with them.
posted by sleepingwithcats at 8:51 PM on August 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by sleepingwithcats at 8:51 PM on August 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
As a shorthand for what sleepingwithcats described: with some guests you may be driving to Abilene (a paradox where “a group of people collectively decide on a course of action that is counter to the preferences of many or all of the individuals in the group”).
posted by meijusa at 11:14 PM on August 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by meijusa at 11:14 PM on August 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
If you can give them a little autonomy or hotel-alike-ness in the space, would it help? If they had their own little "suite" feeling space, say, so they can curl up on a sofa and read or work or surf without a feeling that they are being bad guests by being unsocial, you might find the awkward "well, we're together so, we shouldn't be ignoring each other!" activity suggestion dies down.
posted by Lady Li at 8:07 AM on October 4, 2022
posted by Lady Li at 8:07 AM on October 4, 2022
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I would solve this by being upfront before they come, reminding when it gets close to the evening, then excusing yourself to read or whatever. Just communicate and be clear. Guests are staying and being hosted for free. That's a lot of work. And it's fair to have your time to recharge and be comfortable in your home. I think it's rude to expect to be hosted for THEIR entire waking hours and not balance that out with the needs of their friends/hosts.
"Hey guests, happy to have you! Just to note, we are cozy homebodies in the evening and like to end our day around [dinner/whatever]. We are happy to give suggestions to nightlife, but we will be home reading and relaxing for the evening after [time] so we can be recharged for the next day. We want to be clear so you can feel free to go enjoy the night!"
If you have other local friends that enjoy the nightlife and want to host for evening fun, that could be an option too. "Here's [friends] info and they love the local bar scene! If you want, they can come over for dinner so you can get to know them and decide if you want to go out with them!"
Then just, do your thing. Relax. Guilt free.
posted by Crystalinne at 1:19 PM on August 21, 2022 [36 favorites]