Friends w/ kids will visit for a week. I have no kids. How do I prep?
March 28, 2018 5:53 PM Subscribe
How do I prepare my house and my mind to host them?
PROS: I like having guests, go out of my way to host well, am accommodating, and have a dedicated guest space. CONS: I'm not a big fan of children, don't have any, am an introvert/need space, own expensive furniture and art, and work from home. How do I minimize the risk of casualties?
Context, good and bad:
- The kids are 10 and 7. The girl (10) is quiet and artsy, the boy (7) is rowdy and particularly antagonistic towards the mom. Both parents are mindful about discipline, but at times have a hard time getting through to the boy. They're very particular about their diet, but I don't know the specifics.
- I work from home (artist) and can't put away my colorful, kid-attractive, and very expensive equipment. But wait, there's more! The guest rooms are inside the studio building, not in the main house. (I can put away expensive tools that are small, but not the heavy equipment I use everyday.)
- We own expensive (to us) furniture that took us years to be able to afford. We live in a historic house full of quirks. We collect art and ceramics, which are everywhere. Our house is very grown-up and kid unfriendly.
- I am an introvert and love my quiet and controlled environment.
- In spite on the above, I actually love hosting. We have an awesome guest suite (connected to my studio, see above) that my spouse put a lot of work into, and it makes me happy when friends visit.
- I know a lot of kids and I interact well with them, but that is directly connected to my certainty that they're ultimately not my problem and will go home with someone else. I can't stand whining, tantrums, rowdy behavior, etc, but I can and do discipline my nephews myself. I can't really interfere if my guests' kids are being demons. That gives me anxiety.
Concerns:
- How do I deal with not-mine badly behaved children in my house? (Assuming the boy is still having behavior/temper issues)
- What's the best way to make sure parents and kids understand that my studio is off limits even though they literally have to walk through it to go to bed?
- What if something expensive is damaged, like my beloved couch, my studio equipment, our art? If the parents see it, I feel like they'd offer to pay/buy, but what if they don't? And what if I don't find the damage until after they're gone? Would you bring it up with them, or not?
- How do I prepare myself, mentally, and my house, logistically, so my week doesn't go to hell by day two?
- I can put away expensive knick-knacks but what about our beloved couch, my antique crystal cabinet that doesn't lock, our big wobbly sculpture, etc? What would you do?
- Is it okay to establish off-limits rooms, or is that a little hostile?
- How would you handle it if the kids broke your rules?
- What if anything should I ask the parents about in advance?
- I guess this is hard to say, but in your opinion how much am I expected to be with them, take them places, etc?
Oof.
Context, good and bad:
- The kids are 10 and 7. The girl (10) is quiet and artsy, the boy (7) is rowdy and particularly antagonistic towards the mom. Both parents are mindful about discipline, but at times have a hard time getting through to the boy. They're very particular about their diet, but I don't know the specifics.
- I work from home (artist) and can't put away my colorful, kid-attractive, and very expensive equipment. But wait, there's more! The guest rooms are inside the studio building, not in the main house. (I can put away expensive tools that are small, but not the heavy equipment I use everyday.)
- We own expensive (to us) furniture that took us years to be able to afford. We live in a historic house full of quirks. We collect art and ceramics, which are everywhere. Our house is very grown-up and kid unfriendly.
- I am an introvert and love my quiet and controlled environment.
- In spite on the above, I actually love hosting. We have an awesome guest suite (connected to my studio, see above) that my spouse put a lot of work into, and it makes me happy when friends visit.
- I know a lot of kids and I interact well with them, but that is directly connected to my certainty that they're ultimately not my problem and will go home with someone else. I can't stand whining, tantrums, rowdy behavior, etc, but I can and do discipline my nephews myself. I can't really interfere if my guests' kids are being demons. That gives me anxiety.
Concerns:
- How do I deal with not-mine badly behaved children in my house? (Assuming the boy is still having behavior/temper issues)
- What's the best way to make sure parents and kids understand that my studio is off limits even though they literally have to walk through it to go to bed?
- What if something expensive is damaged, like my beloved couch, my studio equipment, our art? If the parents see it, I feel like they'd offer to pay/buy, but what if they don't? And what if I don't find the damage until after they're gone? Would you bring it up with them, or not?
- How do I prepare myself, mentally, and my house, logistically, so my week doesn't go to hell by day two?
- I can put away expensive knick-knacks but what about our beloved couch, my antique crystal cabinet that doesn't lock, our big wobbly sculpture, etc? What would you do?
- Is it okay to establish off-limits rooms, or is that a little hostile?
- How would you handle it if the kids broke your rules?
- What if anything should I ask the parents about in advance?
- I guess this is hard to say, but in your opinion how much am I expected to be with them, take them places, etc?
Oof.
I think you should not be hosting this family.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 6:01 PM on March 28, 2018 [92 favorites]
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 6:01 PM on March 28, 2018 [92 favorites]
I would hate to be a houseguest of yours with my kids. Nothing personal! But it sounds like you have a lovely house and I'd be stressed out the whole time. Can they stay in a hotel instead?
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:05 PM on March 28, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:05 PM on March 28, 2018 [14 favorites]
Response by poster: Really? That hopeless? No way I can make this work other than just say no to our friends? D-:
I realize this is stressful to both parties, that's why I need advice on making things as easy as possible on everyone. If y'all really think my only option is to not host them, then I'll just brace for the worst. But I can't believe that there is nothing I can do? No amount of prep will make things easier?
(They can't stay elsewhere, the only way for them to afford the trip in the first place is to stay with us.)
posted by myrtle at 6:10 PM on March 28, 2018
I realize this is stressful to both parties, that's why I need advice on making things as easy as possible on everyone. If y'all really think my only option is to not host them, then I'll just brace for the worst. But I can't believe that there is nothing I can do? No amount of prep will make things easier?
(They can't stay elsewhere, the only way for them to afford the trip in the first place is to stay with us.)
posted by myrtle at 6:10 PM on March 28, 2018
At the very least, can you stay in the studio and put them up in the main? That would at least protect your equipment and give you an escape place.
But honestly, I agree, this doesn't sound like a good idea. If they can't afford to stay in a hotel, would you be able to put them up, or split the cost?
posted by Caravantea at 6:11 PM on March 28, 2018 [34 favorites]
But honestly, I agree, this doesn't sound like a good idea. If they can't afford to stay in a hotel, would you be able to put them up, or split the cost?
posted by Caravantea at 6:11 PM on March 28, 2018 [34 favorites]
Maybe investigate if there's a suitable Airbnb suite nearby, and offer to cover the expense?
posted by zadcat at 6:12 PM on March 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 6:12 PM on March 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: A family of four for an entire week... Honestly, could you and spouse stay in the guest suite, since you'll be using your work space most days? That way you'll control access to the equipment, and have a haven for yourself during this visit as well.
Regardless, I'd secure the wobbly sculpture into the off-limits studio space, and tie a ribbon around the knobs of the crystal cabinet. Have your friends ever visited you before? Do they realize you and your spouse are dedicated art collectors? Good guests would have a talk with the children ahead of time. They'd also have activities and outings scheduled, and not expect to be entertained every waking moment; if you're hosting, it's kind of weird these things haven't been discussed already. You might work out your single and joint availability during the visit with your spouse, then send an email with info on the local children's museum offerings to kick-start that conversation with the parents.
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:14 PM on March 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Regardless, I'd secure the wobbly sculpture into the off-limits studio space, and tie a ribbon around the knobs of the crystal cabinet. Have your friends ever visited you before? Do they realize you and your spouse are dedicated art collectors? Good guests would have a talk with the children ahead of time. They'd also have activities and outings scheduled, and not expect to be entertained every waking moment; if you're hosting, it's kind of weird these things haven't been discussed already. You might work out your single and joint availability during the visit with your spouse, then send an email with info on the local children's museum offerings to kick-start that conversation with the parents.
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:14 PM on March 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Oh this is a challenge! You want to be good hosts, you want to see the friends, you want everyone to have a good time, and you want your shit to not get wrecked. I think maybe you can't have all of these things!
But you can probably reduce a lot of grief by making sure the boy is given a great many very tiring things to do all week so that he is essentially exhausted at the end of the day and not prone to screwing around with whatever you absolutely cannot lock up or hide.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:17 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
But you can probably reduce a lot of grief by making sure the boy is given a great many very tiring things to do all week so that he is essentially exhausted at the end of the day and not prone to screwing around with whatever you absolutely cannot lock up or hide.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:17 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
As someone with a rambunctious and curious seven-year-old boy who's not fond of following the rules, I would be hellaciously stressed out by staying in a house like yours with him (and personally would not accept an invitation if you offered). It's not that I don't love my friends who have gorgeous, curated houses, but I know that all my time there would be spent chasing him and praying he didn't knock over your wobbly sculpture, slam into your antique crystal cabinet, or spill ice cream on your beloved couch. I would definitely not find it relaxing or fun to spend my whole vacation hissing "Don't touch that!" It sounds like you're about equally stressed by this prospective visit.
If your friends can't afford an airbnb, how could they afford to replace any of your expensive, prized, beautiful objects? What kind of stress and guilt might it put on them if the unthinkable did happen and something was broken or destroyed? It would be an extraordinary kindness to both of you if you put them up in a nearby airbnb.
posted by woodvine at 6:19 PM on March 28, 2018 [35 favorites]
If your friends can't afford an airbnb, how could they afford to replace any of your expensive, prized, beautiful objects? What kind of stress and guilt might it put on them if the unthinkable did happen and something was broken or destroyed? It would be an extraordinary kindness to both of you if you put them up in a nearby airbnb.
posted by woodvine at 6:19 PM on March 28, 2018 [35 favorites]
Find them an AirBnB to stay in and "host" them there.
posted by Toddles at 6:21 PM on March 28, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 6:21 PM on March 28, 2018 [9 favorites]
Yup put em up elsewhere. This is going nowhere good fast.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:34 PM on March 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:34 PM on March 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Stay in your studio yourself as others suggested. Move all the wobbly fragile things you can into that space. Throw some rugs over your couch and any other furniture that you are worried about. If you are worries about the rugs being moved, look for actual loose-fit couch coverslips with ties. It will look like crap, but that's better than your house looking like crap after the kids have left forevermore. If there are to be any off-limits rooms besides your studio, purchase and install an actual lock on the door and keep them locked, then don't bring them up unless someone asks.
Send your friend links to tourist info pages about your city and ask them to let you know what they most want to do while they are with you, and which things they plan to do on their own and what things they'd like to do together with you. Then you can plan your availability. I'd guess it would be normal for them to take the kids out to somewhere kid friendly every day for a few hours, and for all of you to do something together each day too, whether that is playing a board game in the evening, or eating together, or having a picnic, or going to a park so the kids can play while you talk. I don't think they'd be expecting you to spend every minute of the day with them, but you'll only find out by having a talk about it!
posted by lollusc at 6:35 PM on March 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Send your friend links to tourist info pages about your city and ask them to let you know what they most want to do while they are with you, and which things they plan to do on their own and what things they'd like to do together with you. Then you can plan your availability. I'd guess it would be normal for them to take the kids out to somewhere kid friendly every day for a few hours, and for all of you to do something together each day too, whether that is playing a board game in the evening, or eating together, or having a picnic, or going to a park so the kids can play while you talk. I don't think they'd be expecting you to spend every minute of the day with them, but you'll only find out by having a talk about it!
posted by lollusc at 6:35 PM on March 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Ok- this really doesn't sound like it's possible for the adults AND the kid AND the furniture to all have a good week, but...
Move EVERYTHING fragile into a separate space.
Cover the furniture with like 5 layers of blankets and bury one plastic layer (like a cheap picnic tablecloth from the dollar store) at the bottom.
Clear a large space for the kids and find some cool building toys to keep the boy busy (big lego set or something similar).
The girl sounds like a good fit, so just give her some art supplies and maybe a couple YA novels and likely she'll be great.
Have kid-friendly movies on hand, maybe borrow some videogames, and plan for busy-making activities like making muffins for tomorrow's breakfast.
Keep the kids occupied productively when they're home.
And make that little boy run til he drops. Keep him outside and play soccer with him for like 3 hours a day, til he's a sweaty mess and almost falls asleep at the dinner table. If he's super tired and well-fed, hopefully he'll just sleep when he's home. But rambunctious boys that age tend to have A LOT of energy to burn off... it's a big project and I guarantee it likely won't be fun for any of you.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:40 PM on March 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
Move EVERYTHING fragile into a separate space.
Cover the furniture with like 5 layers of blankets and bury one plastic layer (like a cheap picnic tablecloth from the dollar store) at the bottom.
Clear a large space for the kids and find some cool building toys to keep the boy busy (big lego set or something similar).
The girl sounds like a good fit, so just give her some art supplies and maybe a couple YA novels and likely she'll be great.
Have kid-friendly movies on hand, maybe borrow some videogames, and plan for busy-making activities like making muffins for tomorrow's breakfast.
Keep the kids occupied productively when they're home.
And make that little boy run til he drops. Keep him outside and play soccer with him for like 3 hours a day, til he's a sweaty mess and almost falls asleep at the dinner table. If he's super tired and well-fed, hopefully he'll just sleep when he's home. But rambunctious boys that age tend to have A LOT of energy to burn off... it's a big project and I guarantee it likely won't be fun for any of you.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:40 PM on March 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I would think that if you had already made the offer and they have already made plans, then backing out would IMO be ruder than any of the protective measures you suggest, like making a room off-limits (which I don't think is out of line at all). I'm going to assume for my response that AirBnB / alternative housing is not in the cards.
I agree with the suggestion that you and spouse take over the guest room for the week and guests stay in the main house. This takes the studio out of the equation. They're going to be in the main house regardless, right? Remove as many valuables from kid-reach as possible, maybe throw it all into an off-limits room with a really high out-of-reach eyehook latch installed so you can get in but kid can't, save for purposeful mischief which is certainly possible but only you know that likelihood.
As for the couch - it sounds like you love it. Nothing wrong with that. But if kids ruined couches over the course of a week, then no parents would own them. I might suggest seeing if you can find a plastic or vinyl furniture cover to place over to protect from spills and other dirt-related deposits. A 7 year old bouncing on your cushions once in a while isn't going to ruin your furniture, but I agree it's hard to watch.
I might also suggest that when the family arrives, you take the kid aside and give him a personal chat and tour of the house, identifying what and where he can and can't do or go. I've met a few kids that are similarly antagonistic towards one or both parents, but are respectful angels in the presence of a non-familial authority figure. This is something you may not know until you get the kid alone and get a feel for his attitude, and work off of that dynamically. Perhaps find some cheap artsy stuff he can use and play around with, with the caveat that "these are your things, and these are my things. You can use yours all you want. Mine are for grownups only, but if you're extra careful with yours, maybe we can practice using my together later!"
I think some of this also depends on the guest's plans. Your last question related loosely to what your entertainment responsibility is, but do they have plans to do their own thing in the daytime? If you'll be working, will they be bored stiff with nothing to do, or do they have an agenda of sights to see while they're there? The answer to that would be pivotal to a lot of suggestions I think.
posted by SquidLips at 6:44 PM on March 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
I agree with the suggestion that you and spouse take over the guest room for the week and guests stay in the main house. This takes the studio out of the equation. They're going to be in the main house regardless, right? Remove as many valuables from kid-reach as possible, maybe throw it all into an off-limits room with a really high out-of-reach eyehook latch installed so you can get in but kid can't, save for purposeful mischief which is certainly possible but only you know that likelihood.
As for the couch - it sounds like you love it. Nothing wrong with that. But if kids ruined couches over the course of a week, then no parents would own them. I might suggest seeing if you can find a plastic or vinyl furniture cover to place over to protect from spills and other dirt-related deposits. A 7 year old bouncing on your cushions once in a while isn't going to ruin your furniture, but I agree it's hard to watch.
I might also suggest that when the family arrives, you take the kid aside and give him a personal chat and tour of the house, identifying what and where he can and can't do or go. I've met a few kids that are similarly antagonistic towards one or both parents, but are respectful angels in the presence of a non-familial authority figure. This is something you may not know until you get the kid alone and get a feel for his attitude, and work off of that dynamically. Perhaps find some cheap artsy stuff he can use and play around with, with the caveat that "these are your things, and these are my things. You can use yours all you want. Mine are for grownups only, but if you're extra careful with yours, maybe we can practice using my
I think some of this also depends on the guest's plans. Your last question related loosely to what your entertainment responsibility is, but do they have plans to do their own thing in the daytime? If you'll be working, will they be bored stiff with nothing to do, or do they have an agenda of sights to see while they're there? The answer to that would be pivotal to a lot of suggestions I think.
posted by SquidLips at 6:44 PM on March 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
You may like having guests, but nothing about your question indicates you are looking forward to having these specific guests. You don't ask anything about how to make the kids comfortable or stuff to have on hand for them, you expect nothing but problems. It's fine to not want to host them. It will be worse for everyone if you're miserable and on edge the whole time.
Minimally you stay in the studio with the most breakable stuff. Ideally they get an Airbnb or the like.
posted by momus_window at 6:46 PM on March 28, 2018 [11 favorites]
Minimally you stay in the studio with the most breakable stuff. Ideally they get an Airbnb or the like.
posted by momus_window at 6:46 PM on March 28, 2018 [11 favorites]
Plan for lots of stuff to do outside the home. Especially activities that ticked that 7 year old out.
posted by raccoon409 at 6:56 PM on March 28, 2018
posted by raccoon409 at 6:56 PM on March 28, 2018
Best answer: I'm not a kid person either and am fussy about my things, so you have my sympathies. Your question honestly makes me laugh though, because if this was a movie, the precious antique crystal cabinet would not be long for this world!
I don't think you are even remotely obligated to think of activities to physically exhaust the seven year old or to spring for a weeklong Airbnb for a family of four, those aren't reasonable things to ask of you. I DO think that having off-limits rooms is completely reasonable, and I like the idea of you showing the kids around and letting them know which areas aren't for them.
These must be pretty close friends. You need to talk to them and get a clear idea of what their plan for the week is. If they show up and you realize they were expecting you to set the agenda, you're going to have a bad time. Good luck!
posted by cakelite at 7:03 PM on March 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
I don't think you are even remotely obligated to think of activities to physically exhaust the seven year old or to spring for a weeklong Airbnb for a family of four, those aren't reasonable things to ask of you. I DO think that having off-limits rooms is completely reasonable, and I like the idea of you showing the kids around and letting them know which areas aren't for them.
These must be pretty close friends. You need to talk to them and get a clear idea of what their plan for the week is. If they show up and you realize they were expecting you to set the agenda, you're going to have a bad time. Good luck!
posted by cakelite at 7:03 PM on March 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: You had better decide in advance that you can accept it if something gets broken by mistake, without your friends reimbursing you for it. By which I don't mean that you're happy about it, or even not heartbroken. I mean that you can resign yourself to it and not give your friends a hard time about it and turn down the offer of compensation. Otherwise, you cannot have them in your house, because the odds that something will get broken are just way too high. This is entirely predictable. Kids gonna kid. It might even be the "well-behaved" one. You can't put your friends in that position. You're not a bad person if you can't do this, but you're not a suitable host for a family with young children, either.
Put down plastic on the valuable furniture. Clear away the knick-knacks and lock them up (consider this your opportunity to deaccession and/or rearrange your collection). Anchor the china cabinet and the sculpture to the wall if it's not already (probably should be).
While one cannot discipline a friend's kids generally with the friend present, in your own house you are entitled to enforce house rules. That means speak up if the kid starts running or playing with something fragile or whatever. But, remember, this is more like Mother Nature deciding to rain on you than a grown person being rude or thoughtless or evil. Think of the kid as a puppy, even. You can't let it cause damage, but neither should you treat it as if it's being malicious when it tries really hard to do so. Calm tone, gentle smile, instruct and redirect.
Again, if you can't do this, hosting such a family may just not be for you. I understand it. My stuff isn't expensive, but it's mine and having people fumble around it makes me twitch. But they are guests. If you can't be generous and forgiving with your guests, better not to have them at all.
posted by praemunire at 7:41 PM on March 28, 2018 [11 favorites]
Put down plastic on the valuable furniture. Clear away the knick-knacks and lock them up (consider this your opportunity to deaccession and/or rearrange your collection). Anchor the china cabinet and the sculpture to the wall if it's not already (probably should be).
While one cannot discipline a friend's kids generally with the friend present, in your own house you are entitled to enforce house rules. That means speak up if the kid starts running or playing with something fragile or whatever. But, remember, this is more like Mother Nature deciding to rain on you than a grown person being rude or thoughtless or evil. Think of the kid as a puppy, even. You can't let it cause damage, but neither should you treat it as if it's being malicious when it tries really hard to do so. Calm tone, gentle smile, instruct and redirect.
Again, if you can't do this, hosting such a family may just not be for you. I understand it. My stuff isn't expensive, but it's mine and having people fumble around it makes me twitch. But they are guests. If you can't be generous and forgiving with your guests, better not to have them at all.
posted by praemunire at 7:41 PM on March 28, 2018 [11 favorites]
If they can’t afford to stay elsewhere, you need to let go of the idea that they can pay for any damage the children do. Just reading this is giving me anxiety flashbacks to a friend of a friend’s white couch, a budget that barely provided food, and a leaky diaper.
Also, if you establish off-limits rooms, which is fine, get childproof covers for the doorknobs so the boy can’t open them.
But really, a week is a long time under the best of circumstances. I’m thinking that when you say you love to host, you mean you love to host adults. This situation looks like it’s going to be too much stress for everyone.
posted by FencingGal at 7:43 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Also, if you establish off-limits rooms, which is fine, get childproof covers for the doorknobs so the boy can’t open them.
But really, a week is a long time under the best of circumstances. I’m thinking that when you say you love to host, you mean you love to host adults. This situation looks like it’s going to be too much stress for everyone.
posted by FencingGal at 7:43 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Also, it's okay to have 'house rules' like meals and snacks are meant for the kitchen or dining room, shoes are to be taken off by the front door, and there's no running or playing catch inside the house. It will be all right if your guests need occasional reminders, too.
Having certain parameters established (you work these hours; you're having dinner at home together on these days; and yeah, certain rooms can be off-limits) will make you more comfortable and allow you to make your guests more comfortable. Reducing anxiety makes visits easier all the way around. And this can be a great visit. Kids are a lot of fun.
Do you have a backyard? If the weather by you allows for it, deliberately planning some messy activity for the yard might be a good idea. The children (and adults!) can still let loose a bit, and rinse off with the garden hose before heading inside.
If you're locked in to these arrangements, if the plane tickets are nonrefundable, if you're just not comfortable asking them to spend even part of the week at a hotel or other lodgings*, asserting some boundaries in your own home will be okay.
*Which is not necessarily as rude as you might think! Especially once you learn more about what they want to see in town -- a mid-week stay at an air bnb within walking distance of X attraction(s), with a kitchen for their particular food needs, may be cheaper for them than daily transportation to X and restaurant meals.
posted by Iris Gambol at 7:45 PM on March 28, 2018
Having certain parameters established (you work these hours; you're having dinner at home together on these days; and yeah, certain rooms can be off-limits) will make you more comfortable and allow you to make your guests more comfortable. Reducing anxiety makes visits easier all the way around. And this can be a great visit. Kids are a lot of fun.
Do you have a backyard? If the weather by you allows for it, deliberately planning some messy activity for the yard might be a good idea. The children (and adults!) can still let loose a bit, and rinse off with the garden hose before heading inside.
If you're locked in to these arrangements, if the plane tickets are nonrefundable, if you're just not comfortable asking them to spend even part of the week at a hotel or other lodgings*, asserting some boundaries in your own home will be okay.
*Which is not necessarily as rude as you might think! Especially once you learn more about what they want to see in town -- a mid-week stay at an air bnb within walking distance of X attraction(s), with a kitchen for their particular food needs, may be cheaper for them than daily transportation to X and restaurant meals.
posted by Iris Gambol at 7:45 PM on March 28, 2018
I don’t know...my son is 7. He’s pretty well-behaved and I think with conscientious supervision and a good tour of your home, he would be unlikely to ruin your things except by accidentally running into them/brushing up against them (and as long as no playing ball indoors was established as a house rule, which it obviously would. He already knows only to eat at the table.)
We have a glass cabinet and a lot of ceramics and he’s old enough to not really need to explore those kinds of things, unlike a 5 year old.
If I were your friend I’d probably stay elsewhere though, both due to the accidental bit and because two kids for a week for a non-kid-loving person is crazy long. However if I had to come I’d load up an iPad with a zillion things, have games and maybe some no-mess crafts, and plan to be out and about all the days. If you have a yard that would be a bonus.
So I think it’s not a great idea but if Mr. Seven has improved, it might just go ok.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:50 PM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
We have a glass cabinet and a lot of ceramics and he’s old enough to not really need to explore those kinds of things, unlike a 5 year old.
If I were your friend I’d probably stay elsewhere though, both due to the accidental bit and because two kids for a week for a non-kid-loving person is crazy long. However if I had to come I’d load up an iPad with a zillion things, have games and maybe some no-mess crafts, and plan to be out and about all the days. If you have a yard that would be a bonus.
So I think it’s not a great idea but if Mr. Seven has improved, it might just go ok.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:50 PM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
I am a non-rambunctious adult who has good body control and can be quite quiet... and I was once stressed out beyond belief during a vacation at a friend who sounds a bit like you (everything was antique, she watched me like a hawk when I interacted with any furniture, etc). So while I think the Air BNB plan sounds kind of like a friendship ruiner, it might be for the best.
If not:
1). move into the guest studio and give them other rooms
2). get covers and/or copious throws over your beloved couches
3). embrace the idea that sometimes things get broken and that's life
4). be informative and encouraging of lots of outdoor/away-from-the-house activities the family can do
posted by TwoStride at 7:57 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
If not:
1). move into the guest studio and give them other rooms
2). get covers and/or copious throws over your beloved couches
3). embrace the idea that sometimes things get broken and that's life
4). be informative and encouraging of lots of outdoor/away-from-the-house activities the family can do
posted by TwoStride at 7:57 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
oh, dear.
I also think this is a terrible idea overall. But, if you have to... make sure they're set up for easy TV watching, especially if they might be stuck inside rainy day style. Or iPad games or whatever. Hypnotize with screens.
a week is a REALLY long time for a visit at someone's house. It's long even for a best friend or immediate family member. For a whole family? Two of whom are kids? Whose idea was this?
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:10 PM on March 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
I also think this is a terrible idea overall. But, if you have to... make sure they're set up for easy TV watching, especially if they might be stuck inside rainy day style. Or iPad games or whatever. Hypnotize with screens.
a week is a REALLY long time for a visit at someone's house. It's long even for a best friend or immediate family member. For a whole family? Two of whom are kids? Whose idea was this?
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:10 PM on March 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
You don't mention how long it's been since you personally saw the kids; is this by your guess of age appropriate concerns or by the parents? I have kids this age and they are long past the rambunctious, getting into trouble, breaking household items, ruining furniture and having tantrums stage. The only thing I'd worry about is the "wobbly sculpture," as they're still growing and kinda clumsy at times.
posted by OnefortheLast at 8:15 PM on March 28, 2018
posted by OnefortheLast at 8:15 PM on March 28, 2018
I mean, I literally don't even visit my own parents' house because they have delicate tchotchkes that they refuse to put away when my kids come over. It's ridiculously stressful to the point where all I do is follow the kids around making sure they don't touch or break stuff, and we don't get any sort of meaningful visiting done.
If you insist that there is no option other than for these friends to stay in your home, please do everyone involved a kindness and put away / secure / cover up things that you don't want damaged. Nthing that you and hubby should stay in the guest suite for this visit. And for God's sake, take it in stride and do not blame the kids when something gets damaged, because inevitably something will, and at this point it sounds like the kids are just being set up for failure.
posted by vignettist at 8:22 PM on March 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
If you insist that there is no option other than for these friends to stay in your home, please do everyone involved a kindness and put away / secure / cover up things that you don't want damaged. Nthing that you and hubby should stay in the guest suite for this visit. And for God's sake, take it in stride and do not blame the kids when something gets damaged, because inevitably something will, and at this point it sounds like the kids are just being set up for failure.
posted by vignettist at 8:22 PM on March 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: My kids are rambunctious little hellions at home but surprisingly well-behaved and careful in other peoples' space. I think that if you have a conversation about the studio being off-limits that will probably be OK. If you have some kid-friendly art supplies for them that will probably be even better.
I think the main issue is that it doesn't sound like there's an area where they can run around and not worry too much about fragile items. Is there anywhere in your house or backyard where they can do stuff? Having some areas that are forbidden and adult is no big deal, but having the whole house be that way is going to be stressful for everyone.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 8:33 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think the main issue is that it doesn't sound like there's an area where they can run around and not worry too much about fragile items. Is there anywhere in your house or backyard where they can do stuff? Having some areas that are forbidden and adult is no big deal, but having the whole house be that way is going to be stressful for everyone.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 8:33 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone! To clarify a few points:
Why are you even having them? Whose terrible idea was this?
Theirs. We’re having them because they asked. At first it was just the couple for a few days, which we said yes to immediately. A few days later they decided to make it a week-long family trip and called to ask if that was okay. Not that I would ever feel comfortable saying no, but changing from “we'd love to have you yay” to “oh sorry not with the kids” felt particularly awful.
Can't they stay elsewhere?
Not really, for a few different reasons. They’ve gone out of their way to help us a couple of times and we feel obligated (in a loving that’s-what-friends-are-for way); we live in a small town with limited lodging options; and they can’t really afford to, like I said.
Also I don’t feel it’s fair for us to pay for their lodging elsewhere in any way! What I can do is prepare in advance so their stay will as pleasant as it can be for all, and trust that they will do everything in their power to have their children not destroy my house, because they can’t afford to pay for a hotel.
Stay in the guest suite, give them the main house.
It’s a little more complicated than that, but we can make it work with some planning! I’ll seriously and carefully consider it. Thank you!
You should not be hosting this family.
Come on, friend. There are more constructive ways to help me. A kinder way to look at my questions would be to assume that, if “not be hosting this family” was an option, given my extensive concerns I would have already taken that route, and would maybe be asking for advice on how to get out of the situation, instead of how to make it better.
You expect nothing but problems. You’re setting this up for failure. Everyone will be miserable.
Lol anxious people amirite. I hate surprises, the unknown, leaving my comfort zone—but I damn well learned to quiet down my chronically anxious mind when it starts telling me to bail from experiences that seem scary but can be positive. It took a lot of therapy, but I’ve learned to react constructively by asking for help and preparing, which is what I’m doing now.
Have you discussed these things with the parents yet?
Their visits is still months away, but I definitely will and this thread is helping me prepare so thanks! :-)
They can’t afford to replace your things.
I made a mess of that part of my question, I apologize. I was interested in how other people would address it, but I actually wouldn’t accept payment for anything the kids broke and wouldn’t bring it up with them. I am totally resigned to a loss being a loss, and that something will probably break at some point. I guess I just wanted to hear other people’s perspectives!
- - -
Thanks for this:
Cover the couch
Provide no-mess crafts
Encourage yard activities
Screens!
Lock doors and cabinets that should not be opened
Send info to parents ahead of time about kids attractions around town
Ask about food needs and establish meal arrangements
Establish rules and talk to the kids about them (Food on the table only. No running inside. Shoes off.)
It’s okay to have off-limits rooms
I feel better. A little. For now. :-)
posted by myrtle at 9:10 PM on March 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
Why are you even having them? Whose terrible idea was this?
Theirs. We’re having them because they asked. At first it was just the couple for a few days, which we said yes to immediately. A few days later they decided to make it a week-long family trip and called to ask if that was okay. Not that I would ever feel comfortable saying no, but changing from “we'd love to have you yay” to “oh sorry not with the kids” felt particularly awful.
Can't they stay elsewhere?
Not really, for a few different reasons. They’ve gone out of their way to help us a couple of times and we feel obligated (in a loving that’s-what-friends-are-for way); we live in a small town with limited lodging options; and they can’t really afford to, like I said.
Also I don’t feel it’s fair for us to pay for their lodging elsewhere in any way! What I can do is prepare in advance so their stay will as pleasant as it can be for all, and trust that they will do everything in their power to have their children not destroy my house, because they can’t afford to pay for a hotel.
Stay in the guest suite, give them the main house.
It’s a little more complicated than that, but we can make it work with some planning! I’ll seriously and carefully consider it. Thank you!
You should not be hosting this family.
Come on, friend. There are more constructive ways to help me. A kinder way to look at my questions would be to assume that, if “not be hosting this family” was an option, given my extensive concerns I would have already taken that route, and would maybe be asking for advice on how to get out of the situation, instead of how to make it better.
You expect nothing but problems. You’re setting this up for failure. Everyone will be miserable.
Lol anxious people amirite. I hate surprises, the unknown, leaving my comfort zone—but I damn well learned to quiet down my chronically anxious mind when it starts telling me to bail from experiences that seem scary but can be positive. It took a lot of therapy, but I’ve learned to react constructively by asking for help and preparing, which is what I’m doing now.
Have you discussed these things with the parents yet?
Their visits is still months away, but I definitely will and this thread is helping me prepare so thanks! :-)
They can’t afford to replace your things.
I made a mess of that part of my question, I apologize. I was interested in how other people would address it, but I actually wouldn’t accept payment for anything the kids broke and wouldn’t bring it up with them. I am totally resigned to a loss being a loss, and that something will probably break at some point. I guess I just wanted to hear other people’s perspectives!
- - -
Thanks for this:
Cover the couch
Provide no-mess crafts
Encourage yard activities
Screens!
Lock doors and cabinets that should not be opened
Send info to parents ahead of time about kids attractions around town
Ask about food needs and establish meal arrangements
Establish rules and talk to the kids about them (Food on the table only. No running inside. Shoes off.)
It’s okay to have off-limits rooms
I feel better. A little. For now. :-)
posted by myrtle at 9:10 PM on March 28, 2018 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Well I also have a rambunctious 7 year old in my life and it IS stressful to have him in my house (and mine isn’t even as nice as yours. But definitely not kid friendly). I babysat the other day and found myself saying “you’re going to put an eye out!” and meaning it. That kid turned me into my dad!
Anyway, what I really wanted to say was that he LOVED going to my studio and making some art with me (we made a movie!). It will depend on the kid, but I did manage to keep him entertained and not actually breaking things or hurting himself too badly for a couple of hours by engaging him in a project (the next day another friend took him to her wood shop and they made something there, too. Spring break art camp!). So that might be a nice way to bond with him, but definitely keep an eye on him and your tools.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 9:28 PM on March 28, 2018
Anyway, what I really wanted to say was that he LOVED going to my studio and making some art with me (we made a movie!). It will depend on the kid, but I did manage to keep him entertained and not actually breaking things or hurting himself too badly for a couple of hours by engaging him in a project (the next day another friend took him to her wood shop and they made something there, too. Spring break art camp!). So that might be a nice way to bond with him, but definitely keep an eye on him and your tools.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 9:28 PM on March 28, 2018
Best answer: I have white couches. What I did when hosting twenty little four year old boys for a birthday party was turn the couch around facing the wall so they couldn’t be jumped on and cover them as well. They weren’t touched. We put big cushions on the floor so there was seating (which is more fun for little kids anyway) and moved delicate things out of reach.
Anything you leave out (including delicate wobbly sculptures) is left out with the knowledge that you’re taking the risk it will get broken and you’re ok with that. If you’re not, move it. I know it’s a hassle but you managed to get it into the room once, you can get it out too. Everything that’s been said about wearing the kid out is true, and when they arrive, have a conversation about the rules (no running in the house etc) and being careful. Then give him a big hug and enjoy their company. Don’t harp on it and try not to get over anxious or it will just be stressful instead of fun. Everything will be fine, and ultimately, it’s just stuff. The memory of the enjoyment of your friends and the time you spend with them will be worth it.
posted by Jubey at 10:04 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Anything you leave out (including delicate wobbly sculptures) is left out with the knowledge that you’re taking the risk it will get broken and you’re ok with that. If you’re not, move it. I know it’s a hassle but you managed to get it into the room once, you can get it out too. Everything that’s been said about wearing the kid out is true, and when they arrive, have a conversation about the rules (no running in the house etc) and being careful. Then give him a big hug and enjoy their company. Don’t harp on it and try not to get over anxious or it will just be stressful instead of fun. Everything will be fine, and ultimately, it’s just stuff. The memory of the enjoyment of your friends and the time you spend with them will be worth it.
posted by Jubey at 10:04 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Floor cushions is an excellent idea, as is swapping space so you're in the studio-adjacent room and the kids and their parents are in a less tool-strewn area. Similar to floor cushions, making space for the kids to be rowdy while indoors is something that's totally possible, and giving them an outlet is going to make it easier to keep them from generalized destruction.
Like, if you can rearrange your art collection and crystal cabinet so it's mostly in a room you can say is off-limits to people under a certain height (no shorter than an inch less than the shortest adult, of course) you can make a temporary den/play space. Get butcher paper rolls to spread onto the tables so the kids can scribble all over it whenever they want, that's always a big hit. Pick up some old acrylic afghans or cotton quilts from a thrift shop and liberally cover upholstered furniture, it'll look "eclectic" instead of "we put slipcovers on everything" and be more flexible for the parents. Gather all the throw pillows in the house and chuck them on the floor. If you have tall shelving, put the breakable things on the high shelves and fill the lower shelves with books and baskets for smaller things. But all this would only be one room or so - preferably a room with a tv, or part of the kitchen. Kids are pretty good about respecting stuff and spaces that they've been told in a clear and calm way are not for getting silly/wild in, especially if they know there is a space where they can do that right around the corner.
posted by Mizu at 10:25 PM on March 28, 2018
Like, if you can rearrange your art collection and crystal cabinet so it's mostly in a room you can say is off-limits to people under a certain height (no shorter than an inch less than the shortest adult, of course) you can make a temporary den/play space. Get butcher paper rolls to spread onto the tables so the kids can scribble all over it whenever they want, that's always a big hit. Pick up some old acrylic afghans or cotton quilts from a thrift shop and liberally cover upholstered furniture, it'll look "eclectic" instead of "we put slipcovers on everything" and be more flexible for the parents. Gather all the throw pillows in the house and chuck them on the floor. If you have tall shelving, put the breakable things on the high shelves and fill the lower shelves with books and baskets for smaller things. But all this would only be one room or so - preferably a room with a tv, or part of the kitchen. Kids are pretty good about respecting stuff and spaces that they've been told in a clear and calm way are not for getting silly/wild in, especially if they know there is a space where they can do that right around the corner.
posted by Mizu at 10:25 PM on March 28, 2018
Best answer: I don't have much to add, but I have stayed with a family friend for 5 days when my kids were 7, 8, and 9. My gut says that with some planning, some discussions in advance with the family couched as "how can we make your stay more enjoyable? You must be worried about all the planning and the kids behaving", and some forethought on Plan B*, this will actually go surprisingly well. I bet the kids end up entertaining you, and you and your spouse will have a blast marveling at what being a 7 yo boy and a 10 yo girl is all about.
Put away as much as possible, talk to the kids like mini adults about what is off limits and let the chips fall where they may (but not on the couch!). I think the odds are just as good that one of the adults spill their glass of red wine after the kids go to sleep as the kids spill their mac and cheese on the good couch. Kids can be very different than how they are at home with their parents when they are visiting or guests at other's houses. I would often show up at a house to pick up one of my kids after a play date and the adult would start saying what a pleasure my son was and I would look at them and say, no, I am Billy's dad.
I think kids are also a lot like animals in that they can sense when you are nervous or overwhelmed or relaxed for that matter.
Finally, it is their vacation. I say that because TV or an iPad is your friend here. Their parents can justify a lot of screen time by saying it is vacation. Screen time will keep them busy in a good way (calm) for long times. You can also use their visit and vacation to your advantage. When my kids would go to my mother's she would tell them, "In this house we do things a little differently. We can break some rules your parents have like we can have milkshakes for breakfast, but we have our own house rules such as no going in the living room." Nothing wrong with a little bribe/incentive to follow house rules.
If the visit is not months away, know that a 7 yo can grow up a lot in 6 months time.
posted by AugustWest at 11:24 PM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Put away as much as possible, talk to the kids like mini adults about what is off limits and let the chips fall where they may (but not on the couch!). I think the odds are just as good that one of the adults spill their glass of red wine after the kids go to sleep as the kids spill their mac and cheese on the good couch. Kids can be very different than how they are at home with their parents when they are visiting or guests at other's houses. I would often show up at a house to pick up one of my kids after a play date and the adult would start saying what a pleasure my son was and I would look at them and say, no, I am Billy's dad.
I think kids are also a lot like animals in that they can sense when you are nervous or overwhelmed or relaxed for that matter.
Finally, it is their vacation. I say that because TV or an iPad is your friend here. Their parents can justify a lot of screen time by saying it is vacation. Screen time will keep them busy in a good way (calm) for long times. You can also use their visit and vacation to your advantage. When my kids would go to my mother's she would tell them, "In this house we do things a little differently. We can break some rules your parents have like we can have milkshakes for breakfast, but we have our own house rules such as no going in the living room." Nothing wrong with a little bribe/incentive to follow house rules.
If the visit is not months away, know that a 7 yo can grow up a lot in 6 months time.
posted by AugustWest at 11:24 PM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Do you have a nice table? Cover the table with a see through vinyl table cloth, Chinese mom style (I have a Chinese mom. And kids. And a see through table cloth). It will save you from worrying about spills and other messes (crayon scribbles, dirt from outside stuff, scratches from inappropriately used legos...) Let the kids use this table for their projects and don’t be bothered by what they do there. You need to give them some territory, make it the table.
Do you have an outside area? Make it super attractive for them, uwith a place to sit, balls, sidewalk chalk and other stuff to play with, maybe a planting project. Chase them outside, often.
Invite a friend who has kids to come and visit and tell you what else you should be considering.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:33 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Do you have an outside area? Make it super attractive for them, uwith a place to sit, balls, sidewalk chalk and other stuff to play with, maybe a planting project. Chase them outside, often.
Invite a friend who has kids to come and visit and tell you what else you should be considering.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:33 PM on March 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Do you have a little cabinet or big box you can fill with kid stuff? old books and puzzles of yours, stuff like that. Kids like exploring other people‘s kid stuff and they like it if they‘re not only in adult territory. They like surprises.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:41 PM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Omnomnom at 11:41 PM on March 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
> A few days later they decided to make it a week-long family trip and called to ask if that was okay.
In the future, if you get similar requests, this would be the point at which you bring up the concerns in this AskMe question to the people asking to stay.
You say you would have felt awful saying no, but this would be the chance to explain how your house is not really kid-friendly, there's a lot of valuable and breakable things about, the guest space is in the studio where you work these hours on these days, etc., do you think this is workable with your family and your vacation plans? They should get a heads-up about what to expect before they make vacation plans that include staying with you.
They might decide staying with you is not a viable option, or if they decide to go ahead with staying at your house, then they themselves have a chance to prepare tor the stay, including how to keep their children occupied.
posted by needled at 2:21 AM on March 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
In the future, if you get similar requests, this would be the point at which you bring up the concerns in this AskMe question to the people asking to stay.
You say you would have felt awful saying no, but this would be the chance to explain how your house is not really kid-friendly, there's a lot of valuable and breakable things about, the guest space is in the studio where you work these hours on these days, etc., do you think this is workable with your family and your vacation plans? They should get a heads-up about what to expect before they make vacation plans that include staying with you.
They might decide staying with you is not a viable option, or if they decide to go ahead with staying at your house, then they themselves have a chance to prepare tor the stay, including how to keep their children occupied.
posted by needled at 2:21 AM on March 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
Not sure how much money you want to throw at this or how much space you have, but depending on where you live it may be possible to rent furniture for short periods of time. If one of your off-limits rooms has room for your beloved couch, you might consider moving it in there and replacing it with a rented couch for the duration of their visit. It wouldn't be super expensive, I don't think. The Rent-A-Center in my area shows at least one couch for 35 dollars per week.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:31 AM on March 29, 2018
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:31 AM on March 29, 2018
Best answer: I had clients with elegant second homes on the coast who had frequent visitors with children. They posted a list of rules on the refrigerator and went over the rules with the children when they first arrived, referred to the rules and reminded throughout the visit as necessary. The tour through the house pointing out what's off-limits and what's not sounds helpful too. Access to TV & movies.
Contact the parents and ASK them what foods to stock and what play materials to provide. TELL the parents you aren't used to having kids visit, want parents and kids to have a good time, and how best to set things up so your things are protected - you and the parents can cooperate to make this happen.
posted by Gnella at 3:39 AM on March 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Contact the parents and ASK them what foods to stock and what play materials to provide. TELL the parents you aren't used to having kids visit, want parents and kids to have a good time, and how best to set things up so your things are protected - you and the parents can cooperate to make this happen.
posted by Gnella at 3:39 AM on March 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Honestly? The more I read your post and follow ups, the more I think this isn’t going to end well.
Even if your friends stay with you, you may involuntarily give off a hostile vibe, because you’ll be expecting them to walk on eggshells.
If you can’t wholeheartedly open your home, and accept any consequence without blaming your guests or expecting to be reimbursed, you really should consider rescinding.
It’s unlikely the kids will break anything if they are told to be careful, but... what is likely to happen is that a week spent at your place leaves them with a somewhat bitter taste.
posted by Kwadeng at 4:37 AM on March 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Even if your friends stay with you, you may involuntarily give off a hostile vibe, because you’ll be expecting them to walk on eggshells.
If you can’t wholeheartedly open your home, and accept any consequence without blaming your guests or expecting to be reimbursed, you really should consider rescinding.
It’s unlikely the kids will break anything if they are told to be careful, but... what is likely to happen is that a week spent at your place leaves them with a somewhat bitter taste.
posted by Kwadeng at 4:37 AM on March 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
You don’t think it makes sense to pay (or partially pay) money to put them in a hotel but you’re gonna pay... for all these covers and locks and crafts and floor cushions and hours of your time you could be using to work on your art spent instead on procuring things and moving things and securing things and spending all of visit week holding your breath and then moving things back when they’re gone and storing the stuff you bought and I don’t know but it is all really a cost in the end, maybe it’s less painful to just pay up front.
posted by sestaaak at 4:57 AM on March 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by sestaaak at 4:57 AM on March 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like you've it a gorgeous meticulously curated home and studio space and that total child proofing is not an option. Is it possible that you can make one small room, or corner of a room or even a hallway bulletproof? In my limited experience as a parent with a (atmittedlt younger)kid, having even a small area where a kid can be completely unsupervised and free can make a huge difference and give both parents and children who are testing limits/sick of supervision (making them even more crazy) and hosts some respite. I recommend prioritizing establishing one small area indoors like this and then doing your best elsewhere. Also seconding high up hook and eye latches as a way to keep rooms off limits.
posted by Lisitasan at 5:08 AM on March 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Lisitasan at 5:08 AM on March 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
I also think that while kids don't always have great impulse control and true usually have lots of energy, you'll have better luck gaining their attention and cooperation by also explaining your rules to them directly and frankly and kindly and explaining why. It's no guarantee of perfect behavior but I think it will help and also give them an opportunity to tell you or tip you off as to what may interest them (both in a "I'd better hide his when they're not looking" way /and d in a "huh I can engage them with this and I might enjoy that too" way.
posted by Lisitasan at 5:12 AM on March 29, 2018
posted by Lisitasan at 5:12 AM on March 29, 2018
Best answer: There are different levels of rambunctious, but most kids I know of that age are not climbing random things, and will not play aggressive games in the house if told and reminded of the rules. Some kids are more likely than others to touch things they shouldn't.
I'd suggest, in addition to having an off-limits room, having a very kid-friendly room, if you can. Maybe the kitchen or dining room or whatever, but just a room where there aren't many tchotchkies, where you'd feel comfortable leaving them alone for a while because they mostly couldn't hurt things by accident. (xposting with Lisitasan)
Questions to ask the family before they come:
What's their usual schedule like? When do they wake up, go to bed, eat, etc?
What kinds of activities do they want to do/like? (I think I'm unclear on whether they're coming just to visit you, or if they're visiting the area and staying with you. If visiting you is the reason for the trip, they are probably planning to spend all their time with you; if not, they may have other people to visit or plans to make that don't involve you)
Are there any foods or snacks that will be good to have around?
I'd feel free to say that you haven't had kids for guests before and ask what you can do to make them comfortable.
I agree with people that your anxiety might cause more problems than the kids' behavior. These kids are old enough that they're not going to be randomly destroying things without understanding their behaviors. They might be more careless than adults and less likely to sit quietly, but they are old enough to talk to and ask for the behavior you need. Hopefully once you've got the kids in front of you, some of your concerns will ease.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:16 AM on March 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'd suggest, in addition to having an off-limits room, having a very kid-friendly room, if you can. Maybe the kitchen or dining room or whatever, but just a room where there aren't many tchotchkies, where you'd feel comfortable leaving them alone for a while because they mostly couldn't hurt things by accident. (xposting with Lisitasan)
Questions to ask the family before they come:
What's their usual schedule like? When do they wake up, go to bed, eat, etc?
What kinds of activities do they want to do/like? (I think I'm unclear on whether they're coming just to visit you, or if they're visiting the area and staying with you. If visiting you is the reason for the trip, they are probably planning to spend all their time with you; if not, they may have other people to visit or plans to make that don't involve you)
Are there any foods or snacks that will be good to have around?
I'd feel free to say that you haven't had kids for guests before and ask what you can do to make them comfortable.
I agree with people that your anxiety might cause more problems than the kids' behavior. These kids are old enough that they're not going to be randomly destroying things without understanding their behaviors. They might be more careless than adults and less likely to sit quietly, but they are old enough to talk to and ask for the behavior you need. Hopefully once you've got the kids in front of you, some of your concerns will ease.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:16 AM on March 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think a lot of this can be managed by how you relate to these kids. As a kid-less person with anxiety about my fragile possessions and a working knowledge of youngsters, here's what I would do in your position. I would engage the kids directly in caring for my home.
posted by Thella at 5:37 AM on March 29, 2018 [17 favorites]
1. Make a small selection of sturdy or semi-fragile pieces from your own collection (or collected for this purpose) that would be suitable for budding young art collectors and place it in one of the off limits rooms.Kids often act surprisingly well to high expectations, if those expectations are transmitted in a way that respects the agency of the kids themselves.
2. Engage with the kids as soon as they arrive. Welcome them with a smile. Show Mum and Dad to their quarters and take the kids on a tour of the house. Show them where the drinking cups, water and handwashing is. Show them all the places they can play. Clearly explain the rules of the house and why you have them.
3. Then offer to show the kids the off-limits rooms with the condition that they abide by the rules of the rooms.
4. In the last off-limits room, show and explain your small selection of items and ask if they would like to pick one each.
5. Explain how to care for their special thing.
6. Congratulate them on becoming collectors and carers of special things.
7. Let them show their parents their special thing and encourage the kids to tell the parents the rules of the house.
posted by Thella at 5:37 AM on March 29, 2018 [17 favorites]
I think Thella's suggestion is reallllly great.
posted by Lisitasan at 5:39 AM on March 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Lisitasan at 5:39 AM on March 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Ctrl-F "insurance" - no results.
Take photos of everything (side note, everyone should do this anyway; it's not just for valuables), and talk to your insurance agent to make sure that your homeowners policy covers damages to the items you find most irreplaceable. Some high-value items may be excluded from your homeowners policy, and so you would have to purchase a second ("umbrella") policy to cover them. This is a win for everyone. If your stuff does get damaged, you can replace* it, but you won't be in the uncomfortable position of having to ask your friends to pay. But this is why you have insurance.
*Obviously, artwork can't be replaced, but the beloved couch and art equipment can. Let that guide how you rearrange items as much as possible.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:32 AM on March 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
Take photos of everything (side note, everyone should do this anyway; it's not just for valuables), and talk to your insurance agent to make sure that your homeowners policy covers damages to the items you find most irreplaceable. Some high-value items may be excluded from your homeowners policy, and so you would have to purchase a second ("umbrella") policy to cover them. This is a win for everyone. If your stuff does get damaged, you can replace* it, but you won't be in the uncomfortable position of having to ask your friends to pay. But this is why you have insurance.
*Obviously, artwork can't be replaced, but the beloved couch and art equipment can. Let that guide how you rearrange items as much as possible.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:32 AM on March 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
My family lives great distances apart which often means visits that are a little longer than might be ideal, and that can be taxing to the host. And, you know, to the guests as well. Your question makes me realize that one of my sisters manages this by sending an email to everyone. "I'm looking forward to next week! Here are some things I thought we could do... Just so you know, B. will be working from home on [these days] so we need to give her space... So-and-so will be expecting us to have dinner with them one night... Let me know if there are things you want to do while you are here..."
I think if you do something like this, with a part about your house not being that kid friendly, and with respect to the fact that a week is a long time for kids, you might be able to set some boundaries up front without running into problems like your friends thinking you are reacting poorly to their kids.
posted by BibiRose at 6:50 AM on March 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think if you do something like this, with a part about your house not being that kid friendly, and with respect to the fact that a week is a long time for kids, you might be able to set some boundaries up front without running into problems like your friends thinking you are reacting poorly to their kids.
posted by BibiRose at 6:50 AM on March 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
When you talk of big wobbly sculptures, how easily can these fall over and injure someone?
posted by DanSachs at 7:43 AM on March 29, 2018
posted by DanSachs at 7:43 AM on March 29, 2018
Agreeing with others that this is a bad, potentially friendship-ruining idea. If the visit is months away, you have lots of time to renegotiate. Why not 3 nights at your place and the balance in a hotel or Airbnb? That's what I do when people come to town; I can't do more than three nights no matter who it is and that way you get to host a little, and they get to relax a little and have a more legitimate vacation feeling. If by the third night everything is great, you can cancel the hotel (possibly anyway). I am you but worse; I love my house and hate children. I would not host a family of four for a week EVER.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 8:23 AM on March 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 8:23 AM on March 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Have a backup plan. If it's too stressful to see a child run near a breakable thing, or the rules are too difficult, have a place available for them for a couple nights.
Wobbly sculptures can be damaged by an awkward adult like me. Go though the house, studio, guest room, and secure things. If necessary borrow garage space from a friend for the week to store fragile items.
Buy art supplies for the kids and paint or otherwise create with them.
Pool noodles or foam pipe insulation are useful for dealing with sharp edges and to pad things. The crystal cabinet should be secured to the wall for the safety of the visiting kids as well as the crystal. Bookcases should also be secured to the wall, esp. tall ones. I used small wedge-shaped blocks to shim mine so they are not tippy.
Check your insurance and see what's covered; you should do this form time to time anyway.
TV is the great opiate, embrace it. Your library will have many fine videos for kids, your local friends may, as well. Get some kid games for a tablet, and set up a guest profile. Playing video games with kids is fun. Tv time is almost as good as a nap for tired kids.
Be strict and serious about your rules; it's way easier to lighten up than tighten up, but be courteous and assume the kids will behave. Kids respond to respect. Most kids will tantrum to interact with their parents, but not with others.
Stock way up on snacks - carrots, celery, cucumbers, peppers and dip. Apples, and be prepared to slice them, maybe add peanut butter. Applesauce. Fruit cups. Crackers/ cheese. Bread for toast, and honey and jelly. Kids often don't do well waiting for the grownups to make the grilled fish and mango salsa and risotto, etc., and when they're hungry, they need to eat, so have a fast, easy and not-junk option available.
Some kids start the day with a lot of energy, so if you tend to linger over coffee and the paper, it might be useful to be ready to go pretty quickly. Waiting around for grownups to do stuff is frustrating, and frustrated kids with lots of energy may act out.
If you have outdoor space, make it welcoming to the kids. You should be able to get some juggling balls and the Klutz juggling book, and other outdoor stuff, art is a good option, too.
Get some age appropriate books at your library. As a kid, being welcomed with books would have blown me away.
Get some music form the library that is mood-enhancing. If everybody comes home tired and kind of cranky, music is a big help.
Know where the playgrounds are nearest your house. A visit to the outdoors and a chance to be in kid-friendly space is wonderful for kids who are having to be cautious.
Has the couch been sprayed with stain-resistant stuff? I have seldom bought new furniture, and when a guest's child dumped sour cream dip on the new couch, that helped me not strangle the oblivious Mom.
posted by theora55 at 8:57 AM on March 29, 2018
Wobbly sculptures can be damaged by an awkward adult like me. Go though the house, studio, guest room, and secure things. If necessary borrow garage space from a friend for the week to store fragile items.
Buy art supplies for the kids and paint or otherwise create with them.
Pool noodles or foam pipe insulation are useful for dealing with sharp edges and to pad things. The crystal cabinet should be secured to the wall for the safety of the visiting kids as well as the crystal. Bookcases should also be secured to the wall, esp. tall ones. I used small wedge-shaped blocks to shim mine so they are not tippy.
Check your insurance and see what's covered; you should do this form time to time anyway.
TV is the great opiate, embrace it. Your library will have many fine videos for kids, your local friends may, as well. Get some kid games for a tablet, and set up a guest profile. Playing video games with kids is fun. Tv time is almost as good as a nap for tired kids.
Be strict and serious about your rules; it's way easier to lighten up than tighten up, but be courteous and assume the kids will behave. Kids respond to respect. Most kids will tantrum to interact with their parents, but not with others.
Stock way up on snacks - carrots, celery, cucumbers, peppers and dip. Apples, and be prepared to slice them, maybe add peanut butter. Applesauce. Fruit cups. Crackers/ cheese. Bread for toast, and honey and jelly. Kids often don't do well waiting for the grownups to make the grilled fish and mango salsa and risotto, etc., and when they're hungry, they need to eat, so have a fast, easy and not-junk option available.
Some kids start the day with a lot of energy, so if you tend to linger over coffee and the paper, it might be useful to be ready to go pretty quickly. Waiting around for grownups to do stuff is frustrating, and frustrated kids with lots of energy may act out.
If you have outdoor space, make it welcoming to the kids. You should be able to get some juggling balls and the Klutz juggling book, and other outdoor stuff, art is a good option, too.
Get some age appropriate books at your library. As a kid, being welcomed with books would have blown me away.
Get some music form the library that is mood-enhancing. If everybody comes home tired and kind of cranky, music is a big help.
Know where the playgrounds are nearest your house. A visit to the outdoors and a chance to be in kid-friendly space is wonderful for kids who are having to be cautious.
Has the couch been sprayed with stain-resistant stuff? I have seldom bought new furniture, and when a guest's child dumped sour cream dip on the new couch, that helped me not strangle the oblivious Mom.
posted by theora55 at 8:57 AM on March 29, 2018
I had the additional thought that if you have a no-shoes rule, you could get kid-sized slippers or house sandals for the kids. That will make it adventurous and different, not just a boring old "do not" rule. They should be pretty cheap.
Remember, if you can't entertain your friends in your home happily because of your things, then your things own you, not vice versa. I have some trepidation on your friends' behalf, but it sounds like you are trying to make an effort here, so good luck.
posted by praemunire at 9:54 AM on March 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Remember, if you can't entertain your friends in your home happily because of your things, then your things own you, not vice versa. I have some trepidation on your friends' behalf, but it sounds like you are trying to make an effort here, so good luck.
posted by praemunire at 9:54 AM on March 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Make sure your insurance is up to date and I'd also emphasize that daily activities for the family *outside of your home* are expected by you. A day or many days stuck in the house is a recipe for bored kids and imminent disaster. While it's fine for you to offer one afternoon of a craft or art project, please make sure your friends understand that you won't be playing cruise director for them. You work from home and taking an entire week off for someone else's vacation isn't a reasonable expectation. Send them some info about things to do in your area and then make it clear that you're expecting that they'll be out of the house and tiring their kids out on most days. Relaxing and lounging is incredibly tempting for parents, but letting their kids get bored and restless in your home is not OK.
While you can't discipline kids extensively without parental permission, you do have authority over your home and belongings and can correct a child who is disrespecting the same. Don't bite your tongue if you see behavior that is unacceptable, "Junior, this home has rules that you may not be used to, but we absolutely do not do XYZ and I'm asking you to stop right now."
posted by quince at 1:51 PM on March 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
While you can't discipline kids extensively without parental permission, you do have authority over your home and belongings and can correct a child who is disrespecting the same. Don't bite your tongue if you see behavior that is unacceptable, "Junior, this home has rules that you may not be used to, but we absolutely do not do XYZ and I'm asking you to stop right now."
posted by quince at 1:51 PM on March 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
You may think this comment is unkind, that it's unhelpful, it's not what you want to hear, it feels impossible, etc. But I urge you to lay this whole situation out, without softening or understatement, to your friends, so that they know what they are signing up for on their vacation.
Please think about this with empathy for your guests. Right now you are consumed with thoughts of how they will think you aren't fulfilling your obligations, how you will feel like a bad friend, etc etc. It's all about protecting your own image and your own feelings.
Have you thought that perhaps you're being unfair to your guests? If I showed up at my friend's home with my kids in tow expecting to be on vacation, and my friend were to greet us with couches covered in layers of protective fabric AND cordoned off rooms AND rule lists hanging off refrigerator doors AND long introductory lectures to me and my kids about all the rules AND AND AND... I would feel massively stressed, unwelcome, and also like a bait-and-switch had been pulled on me. Why? Because, friend, this is not a vacation. These are circumstances that make it difficult for parents to relax.
And the kids! A whole week of never running around the place is going to suck for them. I have positively angelic children of the same age, and they went INSANE when, just for two days, large parts of our home were blocked off with boxes during our recent move, making it impossible for them to run. Kids run. It is as natural as breathing for them. They love to run even more when they are in a new place with new doors and new pathways from new room to new room. To expect 7 and 10 year olds to curb this urge for a whole week is like asking an amphibian to stay out of water for a week. They won't die, sure, but they won't be happy either.
You say there are several months yet before this visit... this is great news! You can tell them the whole truth about your situation and be honest about your fears and doubts. Make sure you do not underplay how restrictive your home will be to their children. You can make it perfectly clear to them that you would love to host them, and you want to be a good friend, but you cannot in good conscience not warn them about the possibility that their kids (and therefore they) may well be signing up for a miserable week. Make sure you are all on the same page about the whole deal. Give them the chance to back out and cancel, and if you sense that they are only going to stick to the plan because they're hesitant to offend your proffered hospitality, make it easier for them by being the "bad guy" if necessary. Be the hero they need you to be!
posted by MiraK at 2:35 PM on March 29, 2018 [9 favorites]
Please think about this with empathy for your guests. Right now you are consumed with thoughts of how they will think you aren't fulfilling your obligations, how you will feel like a bad friend, etc etc. It's all about protecting your own image and your own feelings.
Have you thought that perhaps you're being unfair to your guests? If I showed up at my friend's home with my kids in tow expecting to be on vacation, and my friend were to greet us with couches covered in layers of protective fabric AND cordoned off rooms AND rule lists hanging off refrigerator doors AND long introductory lectures to me and my kids about all the rules AND AND AND... I would feel massively stressed, unwelcome, and also like a bait-and-switch had been pulled on me. Why? Because, friend, this is not a vacation. These are circumstances that make it difficult for parents to relax.
And the kids! A whole week of never running around the place is going to suck for them. I have positively angelic children of the same age, and they went INSANE when, just for two days, large parts of our home were blocked off with boxes during our recent move, making it impossible for them to run. Kids run. It is as natural as breathing for them. They love to run even more when they are in a new place with new doors and new pathways from new room to new room. To expect 7 and 10 year olds to curb this urge for a whole week is like asking an amphibian to stay out of water for a week. They won't die, sure, but they won't be happy either.
You say there are several months yet before this visit... this is great news! You can tell them the whole truth about your situation and be honest about your fears and doubts. Make sure you do not underplay how restrictive your home will be to their children. You can make it perfectly clear to them that you would love to host them, and you want to be a good friend, but you cannot in good conscience not warn them about the possibility that their kids (and therefore they) may well be signing up for a miserable week. Make sure you are all on the same page about the whole deal. Give them the chance to back out and cancel, and if you sense that they are only going to stick to the plan because they're hesitant to offend your proffered hospitality, make it easier for them by being the "bad guy" if necessary. Be the hero they need you to be!
posted by MiraK at 2:35 PM on March 29, 2018 [9 favorites]
The thing that worries me about your situation, here, OP, is that this extension of the visit was their idea. That's a level of "ask" culture that's foreign to me personally and I think might be a mismatch with your personal style, insofar as you felt like you couldn't say no. So that's another mismatch, of communications styles, on top of the one of little kid in a delicate house.
In my experience, seven year old boys - generally - DO run around, and are very active, and are not careful people. Now maybe your guests have a totally unusual seven year old boy who isn't all up into everything and that's why they thought it was fine to suggest that he spend a week in your house. But I think it's more likely that it never occurred to them that there was a mismatch between your home's ability to contain him for a week, and his need to be a standard-issue seven year old boy.
I think it might be a good idea to lay the cards on the table and ask them if the kid is used to spaces like yours with lots of fragile stuff around (which I doubt, but at least it opens the conversation) in a way that lets them know, well in advance, about the mismatch. And, it lets the parents suggest how things can be made to work; or alternately lets them be the ones to say that it's not workable.
And, as someone above said, they definitely need to know that they need to be out of the house during the days. Chilling in the house if you work from home is not an option.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:53 PM on March 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
In my experience, seven year old boys - generally - DO run around, and are very active, and are not careful people. Now maybe your guests have a totally unusual seven year old boy who isn't all up into everything and that's why they thought it was fine to suggest that he spend a week in your house. But I think it's more likely that it never occurred to them that there was a mismatch between your home's ability to contain him for a week, and his need to be a standard-issue seven year old boy.
I think it might be a good idea to lay the cards on the table and ask them if the kid is used to spaces like yours with lots of fragile stuff around (which I doubt, but at least it opens the conversation) in a way that lets them know, well in advance, about the mismatch. And, it lets the parents suggest how things can be made to work; or alternately lets them be the ones to say that it's not workable.
And, as someone above said, they definitely need to know that they need to be out of the house during the days. Chilling in the house if you work from home is not an option.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:53 PM on March 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I suggest finding out what the best nearby playgrounds are. For both kids, having a space to run around and do fun things will help them be more chill at your house and be happier in general. Seven and ten year olds are not naturally destructive like toddlers, but they still get antsy if cooped up for too long.
posted by Margalo Epps at 5:50 PM on March 29, 2018
posted by Margalo Epps at 5:50 PM on March 29, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by myrtle at 5:55 PM on March 28, 2018 [4 favorites]