holding back
October 29, 2021 7:49 PM Subscribe
When I’m in a context where I (suspect I) have more skill with something than others, I tend to hold back significantly. This is a pattern I’ve had for a long time, but it’s creating some professional and personal problems and I’d love to learn how to not.
I recently attended a small bouldering class at a gym I frequent. For context, I just started bouldering a couple of months ago, and often practice with my (talented and patient) friend K. K is significantly more skilled at this activity, so I’m in my comfort zone - growing, taking risks and laughing at myself, rooting for K doing cool shit! And I’ve learned a ton challenging myself. This is my comfort+growth zone!
In this class, however, some of the members were just starting out - kind of a mixed beginner skill set - and I happened to have the most experience kinda. So obviously, I want to be like rooting for everyone and gracious and trying my hardest too. And also, yknow, not an asshole. But what I realized while climbing was that I was (1) hyper conscious of what emotional reactions I perceived the students and teacher were having, (2) dialing all of my casual-supportiveness into trying to make them feel good about their own experience in the class (I know, classic pleasing, also probably kind of weird?) (3) I realized I was not performing the same skills I had been, but specifically under-exerting (bouldering gives very clear feedback in that way) in this kind of unconscious self-minimize thing and (4) I was even lying-by-omission when talking about some of the harder routes (relatively speaking, still a newbie) that I had actually climbed the other day in a weird “oh shit I’m borderline lying to, what end?”
I DID get more comfortable taking honest risks as the class went on, but this whole experience reminded me of how awful I feel in situations where I feel more skillful (even marginally) than others AND, more of the problem, how I literally will try less hard and also not be honest about my experiences.
This is a much better problem recently at work, actually my last two jobs. I’m very bashful about my skills generally, but especially when I’m pairing on a project or collaborating in any way with someone who I can sense is struggling with that skill and/or has some kind of intimidation/threatened thing going on, I will hone right into their emotions and also I seem to unconsciously trip myself up to avoid the shame of feeling competent in front of someone who doesn’t feel that way about themselves. On one hand, there’s an element of being a decent person in this, but I way overshoot it into a potentially dangerous dynamic as I build skills (it tends to happen with bosses!! Ahhhhhh.)
I understand very well how I got to be this way. My father was an abusive alcoholic who demanding comforting and affirmation all the time and yelled and slammed etc if he didn’t get it. Our most “positive” dynamic was him praising me for my intellectual talents back then that he saw as flattering to himself. My older sibling has an intellectual disability, and I was often in confusing situations like being her math tutor while being way younger, or just generally the double consciousness of what it meant to be smarty-smart and the One Without the Disability. Again, some really positive values come from this - I truly don’t think some kind of externally affirmed competence is why people matter, and I look for talent in lots of different types of places (my sister is extremely skilled in some social ways I’m not, for example.) but I also grew up really uncomfortable with being good at… anything. I remember how bad I felt in high school playing hard defense against people in basketball (I’ve since grown to love the sport and the pockets of competitiveness I can find, but!)
Have you had to figure out how to be unabashedly good and stand by that talent and do your best while ALSO being a gracious non-dick? How?! I’m way better than I used to be in some ways, but I’d love a framework to come back to when I fall myself slipping into old self minimizing patterns, especially when it takes me out of something I deeply love (sports) or risks my growth and performance at work in some way.
Thank you!
I recently attended a small bouldering class at a gym I frequent. For context, I just started bouldering a couple of months ago, and often practice with my (talented and patient) friend K. K is significantly more skilled at this activity, so I’m in my comfort zone - growing, taking risks and laughing at myself, rooting for K doing cool shit! And I’ve learned a ton challenging myself. This is my comfort+growth zone!
In this class, however, some of the members were just starting out - kind of a mixed beginner skill set - and I happened to have the most experience kinda. So obviously, I want to be like rooting for everyone and gracious and trying my hardest too. And also, yknow, not an asshole. But what I realized while climbing was that I was (1) hyper conscious of what emotional reactions I perceived the students and teacher were having, (2) dialing all of my casual-supportiveness into trying to make them feel good about their own experience in the class (I know, classic pleasing, also probably kind of weird?) (3) I realized I was not performing the same skills I had been, but specifically under-exerting (bouldering gives very clear feedback in that way) in this kind of unconscious self-minimize thing and (4) I was even lying-by-omission when talking about some of the harder routes (relatively speaking, still a newbie) that I had actually climbed the other day in a weird “oh shit I’m borderline lying to, what end?”
I DID get more comfortable taking honest risks as the class went on, but this whole experience reminded me of how awful I feel in situations where I feel more skillful (even marginally) than others AND, more of the problem, how I literally will try less hard and also not be honest about my experiences.
This is a much better problem recently at work, actually my last two jobs. I’m very bashful about my skills generally, but especially when I’m pairing on a project or collaborating in any way with someone who I can sense is struggling with that skill and/or has some kind of intimidation/threatened thing going on, I will hone right into their emotions and also I seem to unconsciously trip myself up to avoid the shame of feeling competent in front of someone who doesn’t feel that way about themselves. On one hand, there’s an element of being a decent person in this, but I way overshoot it into a potentially dangerous dynamic as I build skills (it tends to happen with bosses!! Ahhhhhh.)
I understand very well how I got to be this way. My father was an abusive alcoholic who demanding comforting and affirmation all the time and yelled and slammed etc if he didn’t get it. Our most “positive” dynamic was him praising me for my intellectual talents back then that he saw as flattering to himself. My older sibling has an intellectual disability, and I was often in confusing situations like being her math tutor while being way younger, or just generally the double consciousness of what it meant to be smarty-smart and the One Without the Disability. Again, some really positive values come from this - I truly don’t think some kind of externally affirmed competence is why people matter, and I look for talent in lots of different types of places (my sister is extremely skilled in some social ways I’m not, for example.) but I also grew up really uncomfortable with being good at… anything. I remember how bad I felt in high school playing hard defense against people in basketball (I’ve since grown to love the sport and the pockets of competitiveness I can find, but!)
Have you had to figure out how to be unabashedly good and stand by that talent and do your best while ALSO being a gracious non-dick? How?! I’m way better than I used to be in some ways, but I’d love a framework to come back to when I fall myself slipping into old self minimizing patterns, especially when it takes me out of something I deeply love (sports) or risks my growth and performance at work in some way.
Thank you!
I completely understand this feeling and have done the same. What has helped me a bit is getting a little older and realizing that people around actually expected me to be better at things...and that by doing so, I was helping them to learn.
Similarly, you are helping newbies when you demonstrate prowess. Just as you learn from watching more experienced people.
You can still be nurturing and supportive while excelling. They are not incompatible.
And in actual competition, you can choose how hard to go; if someone is much lower level and might get discouraged, you can go a little easier, but if they are ready to be challenged, challenge them! And then be gracious if you win, because it's a game, there is winning and losing. If the other person is an adult, they are responsible for handling their emotions, not you. Assume they will.
posted by emjaybee at 8:30 PM on October 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
Similarly, you are helping newbies when you demonstrate prowess. Just as you learn from watching more experienced people.
You can still be nurturing and supportive while excelling. They are not incompatible.
And in actual competition, you can choose how hard to go; if someone is much lower level and might get discouraged, you can go a little easier, but if they are ready to be challenged, challenge them! And then be gracious if you win, because it's a game, there is winning and losing. If the other person is an adult, they are responsible for handling their emotions, not you. Assume they will.
posted by emjaybee at 8:30 PM on October 29, 2021 [3 favorites]
It strikes me that you already have a vey good example of the kind of behavior you want to emulate in your friend K. You’ve had a lot of fun bouldering with them even though they’re operating at a higher level than you. It might be helpful to observe and study how they exhibit grace and patience when practicing with you, a less experienced climber. Then you can return to the image of your friend when you’re in those kinds of situations in the future.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 8:42 PM on October 29, 2021 [15 favorites]
posted by rabbitbookworm at 8:42 PM on October 29, 2021 [15 favorites]
In many Asian cultures, "back in the days", one is expected to fit in and not stand out. "Showing off" is frowned upon and ungentlemanly, while being humble and not show one's true strength is prized.
This generally does not apply in the West, but some Asian households are more old-fashioned than others. It probably had something to do with discrimination and bullying.
Holding back is about fitting in, but one may not always want to fit in.
Sometimes, the student must become the teacher.
posted by kschang at 10:12 PM on October 29, 2021
This generally does not apply in the West, but some Asian households are more old-fashioned than others. It probably had something to do with discrimination and bullying.
Holding back is about fitting in, but one may not always want to fit in.
Sometimes, the student must become the teacher.
posted by kschang at 10:12 PM on October 29, 2021
This is a classic form of what’s called playing small. Sometimes when we are afraid of taking up space, uncomfortable or don’t know how to lead, or have limiting beliefs about our roles among others (‘shoulding’ ourselves with authority and other voices in our heads), we fall back on past behaviours that make us feel safer and in control. For whatever reasons, those stop serving us so well and we find we’re stuck and don’t know what to do.
I’m a coach and so I’m biased here, but I’d work with one to unpack your limiting beliefs and develop leadership skills that feel authentic to who you are and how you want to show up.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:24 PM on October 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
I’m a coach and so I’m biased here, but I’d work with one to unpack your limiting beliefs and develop leadership skills that feel authentic to who you are and how you want to show up.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:24 PM on October 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
This sounds extremely familiar; I've spent a lot of my life doing exactly this. I do it less nowadays (although never without angst) and I think one of the main reasons is that I've taken on more leadership roles. Somehow when I'm explicitly acknowledged as the leader, I no longer worry about overshadowing people or making them feel bad, and I focus instead on using my skills/talents in a way that helps them. This mental attitude has bled over somewhat even to situations where I'm not explicitly in charge.
So you might see if the same thing will work for you. Take on a few leadership roles and see if that helps. The good news is that if it does, you probably have the skills to be a really great, thoughtful, and empathetic leader.
posted by contrapositive at 12:59 AM on October 30, 2021 [5 favorites]
So you might see if the same thing will work for you. Take on a few leadership roles and see if that helps. The good news is that if it does, you probably have the skills to be a really great, thoughtful, and empathetic leader.
posted by contrapositive at 12:59 AM on October 30, 2021 [5 favorites]
You're probably not hiding your skill level. Kids in a grade school class know who the smart ones are. Members of a band know the best musicians. Members of a sports team know the best players. The question is how you wear it. Do you have friendly relations with even the least skilled? Do you congratulate someone who has done his best run ever? Do you offer a word of advice to some who is struggling?
I doubt anyone minds if you occasionally do something they can't even attempt if you generally act as part of the group.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:19 AM on October 30, 2021 [2 favorites]
I doubt anyone minds if you occasionally do something they can't even attempt if you generally act as part of the group.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:19 AM on October 30, 2021 [2 favorites]
Would it help to think about your friend K as a role model for how to be the more skilled person in the room? Think about how comfortable you feel with K, being less skilled but feeling accepted and willing to take risks? You don't need K to be less than they are, it is in the attitude and relationship not the difference in skill levels.
posted by metahawk at 8:55 PM on October 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 8:55 PM on October 30, 2021 [1 favorite]
I agree with all the excellent advice above. However, given what you say about your childhood, I wonder if there could be another element to your resistance, i.e. did you often find that showing extra skill in something led to being given excessive responsibility in that area? Did your parent(s) dump things on you as soon as you showed any interest or capacity? Do you have the feeling that because you are good at something, you necessarily must take on some kind of leadership or teaching role related to it?
If that was an element of your background, it might help to actively remind yourself that how good you are at something and how much related responsibility you want to take on are two separate things, and that just because you are "the best" at something doesn't mean you have to do anything you don't want to do.
posted by rpfields at 9:27 AM on October 31, 2021 [1 favorite]
If that was an element of your background, it might help to actively remind yourself that how good you are at something and how much related responsibility you want to take on are two separate things, and that just because you are "the best" at something doesn't mean you have to do anything you don't want to do.
posted by rpfields at 9:27 AM on October 31, 2021 [1 favorite]
I feel very similarly in some specific situations while others, where I'm with friends that are my constant cheerleaders, I feel no qualms in shining bright. I'm wondering how you want to be treated by others when you are the novice and if you could start by offering some of that to situations where you're the expert. I played on a recreational dodgeball team by some very skilled players. Here I was showing up for a little fun activity for an hour while they were ex-athletes reliving their glory days. While I was in awe of their skills, the thing that made me feel great was that they sometimes threw me the ball when they could've taken the shot, they used me as a shield to do a sneak attack, they shouted 'nice one' when i got someone out, hi-fives when we all did well, they playfully ribbed me, gave me a nickname etc. In my mind, I was intimidated by their skill and thinking that they would not be interested in me bc I was a novice. However, it was their inclusiveness that made me feel like I added value to the group. And it has to be genuine too which is why the ribbing was effective too.
posted by ColdIcedT at 11:14 AM on November 4, 2021
posted by ColdIcedT at 11:14 AM on November 4, 2021
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What about figuring out if they need or want help? Sometimes when I'm stuck on something I'll stay up all night fixing it myself and some times I just wish someone would ask me if I needed help.
posted by bendy at 8:11 PM on October 29, 2021