How to support a grieving partner in new relationship?
July 5, 2021 5:48 AM Subscribe
I met my current partner of 7 mos when his father was in and out of hospital with pneumonia and heart related issues, it was never a thought that he was ill enough to pass, rather he needed rehabilitation - he passed suddenly as his health deteriorated quickly before their eyes about 3 months ago. He was early 60s, had a lot of life left, and wasn’t in bad health and nobody really knew what exactly happened. I’ve been there through all of the emotions and experiences while simultaneously still building this new relationship. He’s a wonderful man which is why I am still here because I know at any point he could have said look this is too much for me handle all at once, and I could have said same as I am a single mother to 5 year old, demanding job, and not a whole lot of flexibility and with the passing of his father, he also moved 4 hours away to live back with his mom for a few months to get her into a good spot and settle her in. Also for him, he’s rightfully really having a hard time bc he was very close to his father, and feels lost without that support. My question is, without sounding selfish, I love this man, my daughter does too, I’ve been there anytime he’s needed me, I’ve given him the space I hope helps for him not feel pressure. But I have this feeling of not knowing what to do at this point or how to help him? I do not mean to make this about me, or a new relationship, bc I know his grief and loss is so instrumental in his life that this may very well just mean the end for us so that he can focus on his priorities right now.
How can I be there to be supportive, when I feel like all I should do is let go so he doesn’t have to worry about me or this relationship or is? I try to plan a weekend for him to come back into town and give him some breathing space but he ends up just wanting to go back or worry about his mom, or feel guilty that he’s not there with her. His intention was to move back in couple months, but it seems like it may not happen - which I understand - but I’m in a tough spot because it feels like there’s not much I can do to make him happy now, and that is okay, I respect that and I know I have not much of a say I’m his life - but how can you grow a new relationship, now a semi long distance one while I don’t have much to offer him to help? Is it best for me to say hey, please focus on you and your family and when you’re ready I’ll be here (hopefully) or do I just stay quiet and support to my best ability. It’s hard because I see him maybe a couple times a month and we are so new that I’m scared this may be too much for him but he’s not in head space to realize or admit bc he doesn’t want to lose me, and we both agree what we have is special, yet when we’re together very limited amount he’s not really there, or he’s taking his anger or upset out towards me or my 5 year old. He’s changed, which is expected, and it’s bc of his grief . I want to reiterate that I understand why and I respect it and I can’t imagine how hard it must be. It’s hard for me to even write this bc I do not want to come across as selfish. But I do have my life and my daughter I’m really worried about - how express make sure some needs are met while prioritizing him and giving him the space and ability to be there for his mom and family without feeling guilty - we trust each other 100% so it’s not about that - but I feel like this is not my time or place but I don’t want to hurt him even more. He means a whole lot to us, but not being able to see him for weeks or months at time, not being able yo provide much comfort, and being so far away, not wanting to or knowing how to ask for things I may need or his intentions at this really difficult time feels scary. We’re both in our late 30s with our own children - mine is 5 and his is a teenager out of the house. How can I support my grieving newly long distance boyfriend that we both see a great future with, but right now it feels impossible to stay connected with the grief and distance?
How can I be there to be supportive, when I feel like all I should do is let go so he doesn’t have to worry about me or this relationship or is? I try to plan a weekend for him to come back into town and give him some breathing space but he ends up just wanting to go back or worry about his mom, or feel guilty that he’s not there with her. His intention was to move back in couple months, but it seems like it may not happen - which I understand - but I’m in a tough spot because it feels like there’s not much I can do to make him happy now, and that is okay, I respect that and I know I have not much of a say I’m his life - but how can you grow a new relationship, now a semi long distance one while I don’t have much to offer him to help? Is it best for me to say hey, please focus on you and your family and when you’re ready I’ll be here (hopefully) or do I just stay quiet and support to my best ability. It’s hard because I see him maybe a couple times a month and we are so new that I’m scared this may be too much for him but he’s not in head space to realize or admit bc he doesn’t want to lose me, and we both agree what we have is special, yet when we’re together very limited amount he’s not really there, or he’s taking his anger or upset out towards me or my 5 year old. He’s changed, which is expected, and it’s bc of his grief . I want to reiterate that I understand why and I respect it and I can’t imagine how hard it must be. It’s hard for me to even write this bc I do not want to come across as selfish. But I do have my life and my daughter I’m really worried about - how express make sure some needs are met while prioritizing him and giving him the space and ability to be there for his mom and family without feeling guilty - we trust each other 100% so it’s not about that - but I feel like this is not my time or place but I don’t want to hurt him even more. He means a whole lot to us, but not being able to see him for weeks or months at time, not being able yo provide much comfort, and being so far away, not wanting to or knowing how to ask for things I may need or his intentions at this really difficult time feels scary. We’re both in our late 30s with our own children - mine is 5 and his is a teenager out of the house. How can I support my grieving newly long distance boyfriend that we both see a great future with, but right now it feels impossible to stay connected with the grief and distance?
At some point, while having the nth conversation of "I am not a mental health professional, you need to go to therapy," with the nth man in my life, I realized that if someone hasn't figured out that they are the one ultimately responsible for their own emotions by the time they're 30 then they will probably never figure it out. It's not my problem to solve.
It's not yours either.
It's not fair to you or your kid to keep standing in as proxy therapy/punching bag for a man who refuses to have any personal responsibility over his own mental health.
It's also not fair for you to drain your life away on a non relationship. You guys got together in, what, January? And his dad got sick in April or thereabouts? Half of this relationship has been bad. And before the family grief, you guys had only been dating a few months. That's not nearly long enough to see how he really is in a relationship. You don't know this guy. Don't pin your future hopes on him.
posted by phunniemee at 6:48 AM on July 5, 2021 [18 favorites]
It's not yours either.
It's not fair to you or your kid to keep standing in as proxy therapy/punching bag for a man who refuses to have any personal responsibility over his own mental health.
It's also not fair for you to drain your life away on a non relationship. You guys got together in, what, January? And his dad got sick in April or thereabouts? Half of this relationship has been bad. And before the family grief, you guys had only been dating a few months. That's not nearly long enough to see how he really is in a relationship. You don't know this guy. Don't pin your future hopes on him.
posted by phunniemee at 6:48 AM on July 5, 2021 [18 favorites]
I think the best way you can support him is to take care of your own needs. I know you like this guy and you want to make a life with him, but I think you should focus on making sure your own life is as set as possible. Do you have any other friends? Make plans and spend time with them. Is there anyone your kid likes spending time with? If this guy wasn't around, what would you do with your life?
Grief is tough, because you can't always do anything to fix it. And there may not be anything that you can do to support him directly. So focus on the things you can control, make sure your boundaries are intact (and yeah, telling him "it's not ok to [action] towards me, I understand you're grieving and upset but if you act like that towards me I don't want to be around you" is actually an ok thing to say to him!), and just keep doing the things that you want to do in your own life. This way, you don't tank anything in your own life, which means that you don't resent him a year down the road, and you also give him some semblance of normalcy, and he can slowly start to work through his grief.
He has to take care of his own emotions, and you have to take care of your own. You're sad because the weekend visit didn't work out the way you planned. Who do you have to lean on? Because you can't lean on him right now.
posted by disconnect at 7:19 AM on July 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
Grief is tough, because you can't always do anything to fix it. And there may not be anything that you can do to support him directly. So focus on the things you can control, make sure your boundaries are intact (and yeah, telling him "it's not ok to [action] towards me, I understand you're grieving and upset but if you act like that towards me I don't want to be around you" is actually an ok thing to say to him!), and just keep doing the things that you want to do in your own life. This way, you don't tank anything in your own life, which means that you don't resent him a year down the road, and you also give him some semblance of normalcy, and he can slowly start to work through his grief.
He has to take care of his own emotions, and you have to take care of your own. You're sad because the weekend visit didn't work out the way you planned. Who do you have to lean on? Because you can't lean on him right now.
posted by disconnect at 7:19 AM on July 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
he’s taking his anger or upset out towards me or my 5 year old
I agree with Jane the Brown that this is a hard no.
I've experienced grief - by the time I was 37, I'd lost both of my parents and my brother. People who are grieving can be distracted or not super there for others. They don't get to take their anger out on a five-year-old.
Grief can also cause people to reevaluate their lives, and in some cases, that may mean finding out that the relationships they're in aren't working for them. This may be happening with this person. If that's true, there's really not much you can do about it.
It’s hard for me to even write this bc I do not want to come across as selfish. But I do have my life and my daughter I’m really worried about.
You are not being selfish. It's totally appropriate to think about how this is affecting you and your child. It's totally fine for you to figure out what your own boundaries are.
posted by FencingGal at 8:45 AM on July 5, 2021 [10 favorites]
I agree with Jane the Brown that this is a hard no.
I've experienced grief - by the time I was 37, I'd lost both of my parents and my brother. People who are grieving can be distracted or not super there for others. They don't get to take their anger out on a five-year-old.
Grief can also cause people to reevaluate their lives, and in some cases, that may mean finding out that the relationships they're in aren't working for them. This may be happening with this person. If that's true, there's really not much you can do about it.
It’s hard for me to even write this bc I do not want to come across as selfish. But I do have my life and my daughter I’m really worried about.
You are not being selfish. It's totally appropriate to think about how this is affecting you and your child. It's totally fine for you to figure out what your own boundaries are.
posted by FencingGal at 8:45 AM on July 5, 2021 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Life works best even we are clear about what works for us and what doesn't work for us. In the middle of a lot of "how can I help him?" there are hints that this really isn't working for you. That isn't selfish. Of course, we all put others' needs first at times, but only within certain limits where it still works for us. When it stops working for us, it's helpful to be clear that it's not working for us, not to think that we need to do more for them.
The bottom line is, you can't make him feel better. Only he can grieve and heal. There is no way for you to alter his emotions. That means that the only way for you to shift this situation to one that works for you is to be clear about what you need. And if he isn't capable of that, then you can kindly let him go, letting him know that you're open to reconnecting in the future. That kind of feedback, where you respect yourself, is crucial to being respected by someone else. Letting him take his anger out on you or your five year old is only going to teach him that this is okay. He needs to know that "being kind" is the price of entry into your life, and if he can't even muster that, then he is not welcome. If he can't muster that, why would you want him there? I know he's grieving, and people in pain do have to reserve more of their energy for themselves, but it's up to him to manage that, and many people do manage to go through tough life events while still following basic rules of kindness especially when contact is so sporadic. Your five year olds' needs need to be at least as important to you as his, because your 5 yo literally can't live without you.
To sum up: you cannot do anything to get him in a better mood; those are HIS emotions. All you can do is determine what the "price of entry" to being in your life is and what actions are acceptable and unacceptable. That will either teach him how to treat you or lead to things ending, at least for awhile. But it's the only way to protect you and your 5 year old from being hurt, disrespected, having your time wasted, etc. And remember, your 5 year old is the most vulnerable party here, so protecting them and worrying about how they get treated should be a higher priority than worrying about how to support an adult's emotional healing.
posted by slidell at 9:54 AM on July 5, 2021 [16 favorites]
The bottom line is, you can't make him feel better. Only he can grieve and heal. There is no way for you to alter his emotions. That means that the only way for you to shift this situation to one that works for you is to be clear about what you need. And if he isn't capable of that, then you can kindly let him go, letting him know that you're open to reconnecting in the future. That kind of feedback, where you respect yourself, is crucial to being respected by someone else. Letting him take his anger out on you or your five year old is only going to teach him that this is okay. He needs to know that "being kind" is the price of entry into your life, and if he can't even muster that, then he is not welcome. If he can't muster that, why would you want him there? I know he's grieving, and people in pain do have to reserve more of their energy for themselves, but it's up to him to manage that, and many people do manage to go through tough life events while still following basic rules of kindness especially when contact is so sporadic. Your five year olds' needs need to be at least as important to you as his, because your 5 yo literally can't live without you.
To sum up: you cannot do anything to get him in a better mood; those are HIS emotions. All you can do is determine what the "price of entry" to being in your life is and what actions are acceptable and unacceptable. That will either teach him how to treat you or lead to things ending, at least for awhile. But it's the only way to protect you and your 5 year old from being hurt, disrespected, having your time wasted, etc. And remember, your 5 year old is the most vulnerable party here, so protecting them and worrying about how they get treated should be a higher priority than worrying about how to support an adult's emotional healing.
posted by slidell at 9:54 AM on July 5, 2021 [16 favorites]
Relationships in the development stage are very much about right place/right time. You can and will meet people through your entire life with whom you have an extraordinary connection (and not just romantic or sexual, I mean people who could have been phenomenal friends, business/work partners, teachers, etc) but there's just not the conditions to develop it at that time, and the connection itself is unfortunately conditional to a brief window of availability.
And that's not to say that somebody else doesn't have the experience of building a new relationship with someone going through very bad times and it works out, but that's about those two people and their exact time/place and is not a universally-available experience.
Sometimes people can say "hey, you know what, let's drop back to the occasional text and check back in with each other in 6 months" and find out the window of opportunity is still open and things are better and it's possible to go forward from there, but it's probably more likely to find that at that point the person just wants to move on from a lot of what has happened during this bad time (which may include embarrassing behavior that may indeed not be something that can be un-done), or they have been changed by the experience enough that it's no longer a fit. That still can be a gentler way to do this with someone who is in a lot of pain, even if you think it's unlikely to work out, but at least you are excusing yourself from continuing to try to make this thing work and allowing them to drop the ball without apology or guilt.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:40 PM on July 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
And that's not to say that somebody else doesn't have the experience of building a new relationship with someone going through very bad times and it works out, but that's about those two people and their exact time/place and is not a universally-available experience.
Sometimes people can say "hey, you know what, let's drop back to the occasional text and check back in with each other in 6 months" and find out the window of opportunity is still open and things are better and it's possible to go forward from there, but it's probably more likely to find that at that point the person just wants to move on from a lot of what has happened during this bad time (which may include embarrassing behavior that may indeed not be something that can be un-done), or they have been changed by the experience enough that it's no longer a fit. That still can be a gentler way to do this with someone who is in a lot of pain, even if you think it's unlikely to work out, but at least you are excusing yourself from continuing to try to make this thing work and allowing them to drop the ball without apology or guilt.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:40 PM on July 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
Best answer: What everyone else said. You can't fix this, it is not yours to fix and it would be impossible anyway. And your kid, love on yourself, and proceed with your life with your daughters needs and your needs front and center. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:06 AM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 7:06 AM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
It's kind and thoughtful of you to give him space to grieve. It is essential, however, that you have good boundaries about his behavior towards you and your daughter. If he was crabby and snapped (and I mean yelled) once in irritation, okay fine. But if this--"when we’re together very limited amount he’s not really there, or he’s taking his anger or upset out towards me or my 5 year old"--is becoming some sort of regular behavior, then it's time to take several very large steps back and away from this relationship. It's his job to regulate his behavior towards you and your daughter. Being the partner of a man who lost his father a few months ago does not mean allowing him to behave abusively towards you.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:56 PM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 1:56 PM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
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Hard nope.
I am sorry, you can best help him by backing away a lot more, possibly even all the way, because that one is not acceptable.
If he is in a position where seeing you makes him take out anger or upset towards you, let alone your five year old, he should be stopping himself from seeing you. And if he doesn't stop himself from seeing you, then you have to.
Everyone gets a free pass from being a little crabby when they are under major stress. But they don't get to be crabby towards anyone who is not a threat to them.
Time to back away. Maybe, maybe he will recover his mood and functioning enough to be able to pursue you and not do it again. More likely not. But you do not ever put your five year old in a position where they have to soak an adult's bad temper. At this point your relationship has to be contingent on him proving he won't do it again.
I am sorry. Time for hard boundary lines here.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:09 AM on July 5, 2021 [50 favorites]