I want to be happy!
January 28, 2010 6:28 AM Subscribe
Am I unhappy because of my relationship or am I just unhappy in general and attributing it to my relationship?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
Basically, I have been unhappy for a while.
My relationship is really quite fine. My boyfriend is excellent. The only thing I could possibly find to complain about is that he isn't very romantic, and that's not a dealbreaker or anything. We have good communication, he is super sexy, and we are overall compatible.
However, like I said, I am unhappy, maybe even sad. Enjoyable things distract me for a bit then I start feeling down again. I've been thinking about why I'm unhappy and the only thing I can think of is that maybe it's my relationship...
However, like I said, everything with my relationship is good. Maybe I'm the tiniest bit insecure about it. Also, I think I've recently exited the honeymoon phase or whatever and this is my first relationship so that feels really different.
My boyfriend has been less able to make me laugh really since... the onset of winter maybe. He still makes me laugh, but not as much as before. I don't know what's up with that, but I suspect he hasn't changed and I have (into someone super unhappy.)
Also I'm trying to get over that I kinda want to see what's out there, people wise, besides my boyfriend. However logically I know I won't find anyone more compatible with me, more intelligent, who I find more attractive, etc. I think it's just a bit of the grass is greener syndrome, plus that my relationship has recently moved out of the honeymoon stage or whatever.
So I know this sounds a little... rambly and not going anywhere. I just don't know exactly how to convey what I'm thinking and feeling. I'm conflicted. I want to be with my boyfriend, yet I want to flirt with other guys and maybe get to know them (I haven't, this is just a desire I don't plan on acting on), yet I want everything to be like it was when it was the honeymoon phase. I was happier. That's really the only change, he made me happier then.
However I realize I may be mis-attributing my unhappiness to my relationship when really it's all just internal. This is the meat of my question. How can I tell? I mean, I want to be with my boyfriend. Is my unhappiness related? If I start to feel happier myself will I feel happier with my relationship? It seems obvious that if I am happier myself I will be happier with my relationship, but for all I know maybe not. I've never done this before. I don't know how I feel anymore. Like a month ago I could have said I definitely love him, but now it feels... iffy I guess. Is this a side-effect of my unhappiness?
Also I should add that sometimes I think oh, I am so unhappy, I need to break up with my boyfriend. But then later I have a moment of clarity and realize that's pretty dumb. And when I am actually with him everything is fine again.
I don't know if I am depressed. I am just somewhere between mildly discontented to terribly sad the majority of the time and it's worse as the day goes by. I don't feel fatigued, tired, particularly irritable (unless someone is bothering me when I'm sad), like I don't enjoy pursuing once-enjoyable activities (although they do tend to get less enjoyable as time goes on, ie sex.. I used to be able to do it/foreplay for hours but now after a bit I feel like I don't want to anymore, even without orgasm), or any other symptom of clinical depression. I've done a few google searches and falling out of love because of depression isn't common. However I don't know if I've fallen out of love. I still care about him, think he's awesome, it's just it's not the honeymoon phase anymore and that confuses me.
So how do I figure out why I'm unhappy? If it is my relationship, how do I start being happy with it again, especially since there is nothing inherently wrong with it? I don't want to break up with my boyfriend right now, but if our relationship is the cause of my distress... I just want to fix the distress.