Everyone's gotta eat
February 4, 2021 10:35 AM Subscribe
My partner and I are considering moving in together. We are compatible in many ways, but we differ pretty significantly in the way we approach food and meals - one of us almost never cooks, and eats out (takeout/delivery these days) nearly every lunch and dinner. The other cooks almost every meal at home. Folks in a similar situation who cohabitate - how do you meet in the middle, or otherwise come to a satisfactory compromise?
The person who eats out has a few specific dietary preferences and likes the novelty of trying new restaurants, and is accustomed to spending a fairly significant portion of their monthly budget on restaurant food to accommodate this. The person who cooks would rather avoid restaurant food due to cost/health reasons. We have of course discussed this between ourselves, but are wondering how other people manage this sort of situation, both when first starting out and how it might evolve over time. Thanks in advance!
The person who eats out has a few specific dietary preferences and likes the novelty of trying new restaurants, and is accustomed to spending a fairly significant portion of their monthly budget on restaurant food to accommodate this. The person who cooks would rather avoid restaurant food due to cost/health reasons. We have of course discussed this between ourselves, but are wondering how other people manage this sort of situation, both when first starting out and how it might evolve over time. Thanks in advance!
I am the takeout/eat-out person in my relationship. What has worked for us is that my husband does practically all the prepping and cooking for dinner, and I am tasked with all clean up and setting the table. We both have strong dietary preferences, and he cooks to stay in both those lanes. I feel like I get the better end of that bargain. The fact that he actually WANTS to cook tips the scales back, I guess. It is definitely more demanding on him, both in terms of time spent, and the timing of getting dinner started. One thing that makes it less demanding for him is that he can liberally declare a night for takeout/delivery, whether its from work demands or for his own sanity. On those nights, I handle the task of ordering if possible.
posted by juggler at 11:00 AM on February 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by juggler at 11:00 AM on February 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'd say when my husband and I were first married I was in the eating out category and he was in the home cooked category. We've pretty much rotated through almost every option, splitting time up, going on a restaurant spree (before we had kids), now we eat almost all home-cooked meals which I cook.
The only rule per se is that we always have eaten at a table together regardless of what we were eating. Both my husband and I have eaten differently over the years (I was vegetarian, then vegan, he's done low-carb, my MIL does low-carb for diabetes reasons...lots and lots of variations.)
But I can tell you just a few core things that have helped:
- look for solutions or ways to connect together, rather than a One True Way To Eat. Life is long!
- if you can afford it cost/timewise, before you have kids I really recommend you enjoy eating out some - we ended up eating out once a week on Fridays as a planned meal out, and often a brunch, and it was good for us in a lot of ways despite the $$ (local and cheap was common, and we would split things)
- if you do that, also have a weekly "cook together, eat at home" date like make your own pizza or grill things or have rice bowls or a sandwich platter where you chop together...it's the same idea, you each have one night where you inhabit each other's worlds and also develop your own shared recipe library of things you both like
- work your budget out separate from food, like figure out how you will split all the other expenses first...that will probably inform what you have left. Then you could do something like split at-home food 1/3 (or 1/4) to the restaurant lover and 2/3 (or 3/4) to the at-home lover and then additional restaurant food is discretionary spending. For us we had combined finances so we just set a hard limit on "food, including restaurants" and then we grocery shopped first so we knew what was left each week for eating out. There was some food waste at that time.
- don't sweat what your partner eats as long as everything else is ok, like the budget is okay...it's just food
posted by warriorqueen at 11:01 AM on February 4, 2021 [5 favorites]
The only rule per se is that we always have eaten at a table together regardless of what we were eating. Both my husband and I have eaten differently over the years (I was vegetarian, then vegan, he's done low-carb, my MIL does low-carb for diabetes reasons...lots and lots of variations.)
But I can tell you just a few core things that have helped:
- look for solutions or ways to connect together, rather than a One True Way To Eat. Life is long!
- if you can afford it cost/timewise, before you have kids I really recommend you enjoy eating out some - we ended up eating out once a week on Fridays as a planned meal out, and often a brunch, and it was good for us in a lot of ways despite the $$ (local and cheap was common, and we would split things)
- if you do that, also have a weekly "cook together, eat at home" date like make your own pizza or grill things or have rice bowls or a sandwich platter where you chop together...it's the same idea, you each have one night where you inhabit each other's worlds and also develop your own shared recipe library of things you both like
- work your budget out separate from food, like figure out how you will split all the other expenses first...that will probably inform what you have left. Then you could do something like split at-home food 1/3 (or 1/4) to the restaurant lover and 2/3 (or 3/4) to the at-home lover and then additional restaurant food is discretionary spending. For us we had combined finances so we just set a hard limit on "food, including restaurants" and then we grocery shopped first so we knew what was left each week for eating out. There was some food waste at that time.
- don't sweat what your partner eats as long as everything else is ok, like the budget is okay...it's just food
posted by warriorqueen at 11:01 AM on February 4, 2021 [5 favorites]
This is how my partner and I were when we moved in together. We've met somewhere in the middle, getting takeout way more than I was used to but not every day like he was doing before (a few times a week pre-covid, now more like 3-4 times a month). He cooks a little but 95% of our meals are cooked by me. He's very very picky (though much better now) and some nights we fend for ourselves so I can make the food I want and he doesn't have to eat it.
It works ok for us. The cost was a big issue for me but after decreasing the frequency it's not a crazy amount since he doesn't have expensive taste. I'd be more unhappy if it was mostly restaurants instead of fast food though, purely for the cost.
posted by randomnity at 11:02 AM on February 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
It works ok for us. The cost was a big issue for me but after decreasing the frequency it's not a crazy amount since he doesn't have expensive taste. I'd be more unhappy if it was mostly restaurants instead of fast food though, purely for the cost.
posted by randomnity at 11:02 AM on February 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
I was in this relationship. The problem was not as much the food (I think AugustWest has a great suggestion) but about the money.
As long as the partner who is spending $20-30/day on meals has the wiggle in their budget to drop $750 a month without it impacting your bottom line, then fine. But if you're trying to save for a down payment, or some other large purchase, will it be an issue for the person eating at home every day that a huuuuuuge amount of cash is going to something like eating out 2/3 of the time.
posted by dazedandconfused at 11:04 AM on February 4, 2021 [19 favorites]
As long as the partner who is spending $20-30/day on meals has the wiggle in their budget to drop $750 a month without it impacting your bottom line, then fine. But if you're trying to save for a down payment, or some other large purchase, will it be an issue for the person eating at home every day that a huuuuuuge amount of cash is going to something like eating out 2/3 of the time.
posted by dazedandconfused at 11:04 AM on February 4, 2021 [19 favorites]
I've lived with my partner for five years and pre-pandemic, about 70% of our meals were like this. He used to be at the office far later than I liked to eat, but looked forward to take out options. I'd prefer to eat earlier and have more home cooked options, so we had what we wanted when it worked best of each of us. The other time we'd either order together or make something for both of us. Now that our schedules are more compatible in the pandemic with both of us home, dinner time kicks off "our time" in the evening and if we're both eating dinner we try to eat together.
The beauty of relationships is yours doesn't have to be like everyone else or how you experience things grown up, so figure out what works best for both of you and embrace it :)
posted by icaicaer at 11:06 AM on February 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
The beauty of relationships is yours doesn't have to be like everyone else or how you experience things grown up, so figure out what works best for both of you and embrace it :)
posted by icaicaer at 11:06 AM on February 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
This was my husband and me, I never learned to cook growing up & he prefers home cooked meals. We've been together for many many years.
We've basically fallen in to the pattern that we do our own thing for breakfast & lunch (I typically eat leftovers), he cooks dinner, and we have one or two planned "eat out" meals per week. Also I have slowly learned to cook so it's not a complete disaster if I have to do it. I would still rather eat out than cook but for our budget I can't eat out for every meal.
posted by muddgirl at 11:10 AM on February 4, 2021
We've basically fallen in to the pattern that we do our own thing for breakfast & lunch (I typically eat leftovers), he cooks dinner, and we have one or two planned "eat out" meals per week. Also I have slowly learned to cook so it's not a complete disaster if I have to do it. I would still rather eat out than cook but for our budget I can't eat out for every meal.
posted by muddgirl at 11:10 AM on February 4, 2021
I'll also add that a big part of our compromise was getting a bunch of basically zero effort meals like frozen pizza or fish sticks/fries as part of our regular groceries, which was something I never did before but it's cheaper than takeout and takes some of the burden off cooking every day. And we do our own lunch and breakfast (now it's all from groceries, but pre-covid he would usually buy lunch and I made mine).
posted by randomnity at 11:16 AM on February 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by randomnity at 11:16 AM on February 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
My partner and I usually both make food at home - but often entirely different food, cooked separately, we just eat together sometimes. It's been a pretty straightforward, we just have variations of this conversation every single day:
A: what are you thinking for dinner?
B: I was thinking X / no idea
A: oooh can I have some/ can I put Y in the oven at the same time/ I'm gonna make or order Z
B: cool / actually Z sounds delicious I want that too!
The secret is having a "dinner time" (half 7 or so in our house) so both people are working towards eating at the same time, when possible.
posted by stillnocturnal at 11:21 AM on February 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
A: what are you thinking for dinner?
B: I was thinking X / no idea
A: oooh can I have some/ can I put Y in the oven at the same time/ I'm gonna make or order Z
B: cool / actually Z sounds delicious I want that too!
The secret is having a "dinner time" (half 7 or so in our house) so both people are working towards eating at the same time, when possible.
posted by stillnocturnal at 11:21 AM on February 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
I do my thing. He does his thing. We have a meal together (either out or at home) once a week. We connect in other ways. It works for us.
posted by SageTrail at 11:38 AM on February 4, 2021 [8 favorites]
posted by SageTrail at 11:38 AM on February 4, 2021 [8 favorites]
In my relationship, I am the person who defaults to home-cooked meals, and my husband doesn't cook. He tried to learn to the point of taking an intro course at a culinary school, but he just doesn't enjoy cooking. I learned to cook young and find a creative outlet in the process. I also care more about how things taste. Our solution is that I plan and cook our meals and he does clean up (and other chores that add up to the same amount of time).
Pre-pandemic, we each bought our own lunches, I made 3-4 breakfasts a week and about 5 dinners per week. We both looked after groceries. He normally works by a large market, so he was tasked with picking up meat or fish from there.
Currently, we are both working from home. We get two takeout meals per week and I make the rest. I am doing the groceries because I like to be able to see what is in the store when I'm planning. I am also by far the more adventurous eater, so I try to strike a balance between experimentation and comfort in the familiar. He will occasionally say if something "wasn't his favourite" and I won't serve that again. :)
Financially, groceries for home meals come out of the joint budget and takeout meals come out of our personal budget.
posted by TORunner at 11:45 AM on February 4, 2021
Pre-pandemic, we each bought our own lunches, I made 3-4 breakfasts a week and about 5 dinners per week. We both looked after groceries. He normally works by a large market, so he was tasked with picking up meat or fish from there.
Currently, we are both working from home. We get two takeout meals per week and I make the rest. I am doing the groceries because I like to be able to see what is in the store when I'm planning. I am also by far the more adventurous eater, so I try to strike a balance between experimentation and comfort in the familiar. He will occasionally say if something "wasn't his favourite" and I won't serve that again. :)
Financially, groceries for home meals come out of the joint budget and takeout meals come out of our personal budget.
posted by TORunner at 11:45 AM on February 4, 2021
When we first got together we found a good compromise with freezer meals and subscription meal boxes later on when they became a thing. A big chunk of my husbands reason for liking take out was just the lack of emotional energy he had to put into getting a meal a the end of the day. So one weekend a month we both had a meal stock up day. I'd plan a menu, we'd stock up on ingredient then do up freezer meals or dump meals. With only 2 of us and we only did meals for about 4 or 5 nights a week.
The planning is harder than the prep at first, but we got it down to a few hours plus planning in the end as it wasn't gourmet. I found I was taking on a lot of the emotional energy of planning before hand but it was more of a priority for me to be organized doing it. Now he knows he can just have a meal in the oven to heat up when we get home and he can just pick what he fancies on the spur of the moment from our stash, we don't do take out half as often as we used to.
Finding foods & flavors you both like can make a huge difference too, he used to eat so much take out as he was used to a lot of plain food growing up so the salt & fat from take out was what he found made him feel he'd eaten dinner, a little tastebud retraining from eating more healthfully made him fancy take out a lot less than he used to.
posted by wwax at 11:47 AM on February 4, 2021
The planning is harder than the prep at first, but we got it down to a few hours plus planning in the end as it wasn't gourmet. I found I was taking on a lot of the emotional energy of planning before hand but it was more of a priority for me to be organized doing it. Now he knows he can just have a meal in the oven to heat up when we get home and he can just pick what he fancies on the spur of the moment from our stash, we don't do take out half as often as we used to.
Finding foods & flavors you both like can make a huge difference too, he used to eat so much take out as he was used to a lot of plain food growing up so the salt & fat from take out was what he found made him feel he'd eaten dinner, a little tastebud retraining from eating more healthfully made him fancy take out a lot less than he used to.
posted by wwax at 11:47 AM on February 4, 2021
We used to do about a 50/50 split of take-out vs home-cooked, but when we actually sat down and looked at our spending, decided that we need to shift priorities a little since we were about to move to a MUCH more expensive city.
We've since settled more or less into a pattern of home-cooked 4-5 nights a week, and take-out about twice a week. I do about 90% of the actual cooking, but we meal-plan together. Because I am vegan and husband is omni, often our home-cooked options are not exactly the same meal, but share the same elements. If he wants to make fish/chicken/eggs/dairy, he does that part of the cooking himself. But he's also happy to eat vegan a good portion of the time at home, and save his meat/cheese meals for take-out nights. On take-out nights, we occasionally order from the same restaurant, but are also willing to pick-up from two different places sometimes. This helps open up his choices so that he's not always restricted to places that have good vegan options.
(This is all applicable to dinner only. Breakfast and lunch are both much smaller and less formal affairs for us, and we each fend for ourselves and eat whatever is on hand. Husband used to have lunch provided at his office, but he's now eating at home since he's WFH for the forseeable future. That's been a bit of an adjustment, but he's settled into a routine that seems to work for him.)
Things that make this workable for us:
- Eating together is important to us, so we're willing to do what needs to be done to make that work.
- I really enjoy cooking, and learning about cooking, and have the time and willingness to cook interesting things. Husband doesn't hate cooking (though he likes it less than me) and frequently helps out (especially with clean-up) as his work schedule allows. If neither of us liked cooking at all, or if my work schedule was more typical/more restrictive, I'm not sure that our level of home cooking would be very sustainable.
- We don't have kids to consider, so we have a lot of flexibility.
- When I cook, I make big batches, so the same prep lasts for 2-3 meals. This means I'm only actually cooking twice a week, even though we're eating home-cooked the majority of the time. For this reason, a lot of our go-to recipes are things that are even better as leftovers (lasagnas, stews and soups, curries, etc.). So while we both do enjoy variety, we also don't mind eating the same thing 2 or 3 times a week. I don't think this would work if either of us needed constant variation.
- We have a solid list of "staples" that we know work well, are relatively easy to prepare (especially since they're now familiar), and are delicious that we come back to repeatedly. This makes menu planning and prep much less stressful than trying something new every time. It usually works out that I cook one "staple" and one "new" recipe each week, but that varies based on available time and inclination.
- Either of us absolutely feels comfortable vetoing home-cooked on any given night, and proposing take-out instead. This release valve means that cooking never really becomes a chore, because I never feel like I *need* to do it. Our weekly meal-plans are thus super flexible, and able to accommodate those days where I just don't want to spend an hour chopping one million vegetables.
posted by Dorinda at 11:56 AM on February 4, 2021
We've since settled more or less into a pattern of home-cooked 4-5 nights a week, and take-out about twice a week. I do about 90% of the actual cooking, but we meal-plan together. Because I am vegan and husband is omni, often our home-cooked options are not exactly the same meal, but share the same elements. If he wants to make fish/chicken/eggs/dairy, he does that part of the cooking himself. But he's also happy to eat vegan a good portion of the time at home, and save his meat/cheese meals for take-out nights. On take-out nights, we occasionally order from the same restaurant, but are also willing to pick-up from two different places sometimes. This helps open up his choices so that he's not always restricted to places that have good vegan options.
(This is all applicable to dinner only. Breakfast and lunch are both much smaller and less formal affairs for us, and we each fend for ourselves and eat whatever is on hand. Husband used to have lunch provided at his office, but he's now eating at home since he's WFH for the forseeable future. That's been a bit of an adjustment, but he's settled into a routine that seems to work for him.)
Things that make this workable for us:
- Eating together is important to us, so we're willing to do what needs to be done to make that work.
- I really enjoy cooking, and learning about cooking, and have the time and willingness to cook interesting things. Husband doesn't hate cooking (though he likes it less than me) and frequently helps out (especially with clean-up) as his work schedule allows. If neither of us liked cooking at all, or if my work schedule was more typical/more restrictive, I'm not sure that our level of home cooking would be very sustainable.
- We don't have kids to consider, so we have a lot of flexibility.
- When I cook, I make big batches, so the same prep lasts for 2-3 meals. This means I'm only actually cooking twice a week, even though we're eating home-cooked the majority of the time. For this reason, a lot of our go-to recipes are things that are even better as leftovers (lasagnas, stews and soups, curries, etc.). So while we both do enjoy variety, we also don't mind eating the same thing 2 or 3 times a week. I don't think this would work if either of us needed constant variation.
- We have a solid list of "staples" that we know work well, are relatively easy to prepare (especially since they're now familiar), and are delicious that we come back to repeatedly. This makes menu planning and prep much less stressful than trying something new every time. It usually works out that I cook one "staple" and one "new" recipe each week, but that varies based on available time and inclination.
- Either of us absolutely feels comfortable vetoing home-cooked on any given night, and proposing take-out instead. This release valve means that cooking never really becomes a chore, because I never feel like I *need* to do it. Our weekly meal-plans are thus super flexible, and able to accommodate those days where I just don't want to spend an hour chopping one million vegetables.
posted by Dorinda at 11:56 AM on February 4, 2021
I'm a bit annoyed at how this is going in my own relationship right now.
Things that overlap and need to be hashed out:
1. Money. This might be a subset of a bigger deal you make in terms of how you split expenses (50/50, or by income). It might help for both of you to carefully track food and grocery expenses for a month or three before you move in, so you have a good idea of what the expenses are, anyway. Having shared financial priorities/goals is also important -- is it more important to eat out, to one of you?
2. Time.
2a. It takes time and brainspace (aka emotional labor) to stock and maintain a kitchen and to plan for several meals in advance. The person who cooks might, just might, feel resentful that their labor disappears into this vacuum, underappreciated, and the person who doesn't cook regularly might have no appreciation for exactly how much work goes into a full cabinet of choices and a bunch of options for dinner.
2b. It takes time to actually cook. The person who is the beneficiary of this needs to account for it.
3. The food. It's most labor-saving, of course, to share the labor, so that you're not bringing (however that happens) two separate meals to the table every night.
4. Eating together. This is an important part of relationship, many people and I feel, but some folks who get takeout a lot tend to be TV-eaters. Does your partner feel the same as you? Might cause some dissonance around different expectations here.
posted by Dashy at 11:58 AM on February 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
Things that overlap and need to be hashed out:
1. Money. This might be a subset of a bigger deal you make in terms of how you split expenses (50/50, or by income). It might help for both of you to carefully track food and grocery expenses for a month or three before you move in, so you have a good idea of what the expenses are, anyway. Having shared financial priorities/goals is also important -- is it more important to eat out, to one of you?
2. Time.
2a. It takes time and brainspace (aka emotional labor) to stock and maintain a kitchen and to plan for several meals in advance. The person who cooks might, just might, feel resentful that their labor disappears into this vacuum, underappreciated, and the person who doesn't cook regularly might have no appreciation for exactly how much work goes into a full cabinet of choices and a bunch of options for dinner.
2b. It takes time to actually cook. The person who is the beneficiary of this needs to account for it.
3. The food. It's most labor-saving, of course, to share the labor, so that you're not bringing (however that happens) two separate meals to the table every night.
4. Eating together. This is an important part of relationship, many people and I feel, but some folks who get takeout a lot tend to be TV-eaters. Does your partner feel the same as you? Might cause some dissonance around different expectations here.
posted by Dashy at 11:58 AM on February 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
Yes, I have always been in this relationship because cooking makes me want to die. I'm nearly 40 and I have never enjoyed it and never will. For me the answer is: the person who insists on cooking, cooks. I will help come up with ideas and I will clean up (even stuff like my husband not putting his dishes in the dishwasher even if it's RIGHT THERE). I won't complain about what he makes, and he makes some stuff I like because he likes me.
I think the core to making it work is you have to genuinely respect the other person's choice. My ex also loved cooking (more than my husband, really), but by cooking, I mean using every pot in the house, taking hours, making a huge mess. We could only make coffee using some ridiculously complex contraption with beans he roasted at home. That became a constant source of tension because the cleaning was too much and everything was too complicated and he expected me to be thankful about it and just no.
If you can't respect that some people just hate cooking and have chosen to spend their finite hours on earth on other things, it won't work.
posted by dame at 12:01 PM on February 4, 2021 [12 favorites]
I think the core to making it work is you have to genuinely respect the other person's choice. My ex also loved cooking (more than my husband, really), but by cooking, I mean using every pot in the house, taking hours, making a huge mess. We could only make coffee using some ridiculously complex contraption with beans he roasted at home. That became a constant source of tension because the cleaning was too much and everything was too complicated and he expected me to be thankful about it and just no.
If you can't respect that some people just hate cooking and have chosen to spend their finite hours on earth on other things, it won't work.
posted by dame at 12:01 PM on February 4, 2021 [12 favorites]
I like Dashy's breakdown. Working out an fair yours-mine-ours is fundamental and ongoing, we find, but it’s happening whether it’s overt or not so it might as well be overt.
I would add that "if one cooks the other cleans" is a common way of splitting the time for home cooking, but depends on both parties being equally good at clean-as-you go. (Snap! dame points this out vividly.)
posted by clew at 12:08 PM on February 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
I would add that "if one cooks the other cleans" is a common way of splitting the time for home cooking, but depends on both parties being equally good at clean-as-you go. (Snap! dame points this out vividly.)
posted by clew at 12:08 PM on February 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'm the eat-in person, husband is the eat-out person. Husband just get his own meals (usually Grubhubs it since covid began), I cook/prepare mine. We eat dinners together, he eats his stuff, I eat mine. On weekends I will eat a meal or two out. This works fine for us, everyone is happy. We've done it that way for 20 plus years.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:26 PM on February 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:26 PM on February 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
When I lived alone, I ate almost every meal out, because I love restaurants and also cooking just for yourself and then cleaning up is a drag, and I had a pretty cheap apartment so the cost wasn't the biggest factor at the time.
However, I've been married for a few years now, and while I don't think I ever really intended to start eating at home more, it just sort of naturally happened. Cooking for two people is more satisfying than just for yourself, and cleaning up isn't really any worse. Also you can split chores, and the cost of a co-habitable place is probably a bit more and so pressure might just naturally change this a little.
We do 2 dinners a week that we call "scrounging", which essentially just means that the other person is not going to bear responsibility for what you eat in any way. We do this because I sometimes like the idea of eating a carrot and a bowl of popcorn for dinner, and my husband wouldn't consider that a meal, so he makes something else or orders. I think we would handle a preference for takeout in the same way - where one person could order takeout 2 extra dinners a week beyond our couple takeout dinner, and the other person probably would just cook for themselves that night.
but the major caveat is that we don't share bank accounts, so our budgeting (besides the household expenses that we've agreed on, and our joint saving contributions) can be done however the person feels is appropriate - extra restaurant expenses would just be considered hobby money.
Also we never eat lunch together because we aren't in the same location at lunchtime, so I guess there's a good opportunity to eat differently too. I eat sushi for lunch often, and my husband doesn't like sushi.
posted by euphoria066 at 12:41 PM on February 4, 2021
However, I've been married for a few years now, and while I don't think I ever really intended to start eating at home more, it just sort of naturally happened. Cooking for two people is more satisfying than just for yourself, and cleaning up isn't really any worse. Also you can split chores, and the cost of a co-habitable place is probably a bit more and so pressure might just naturally change this a little.
We do 2 dinners a week that we call "scrounging", which essentially just means that the other person is not going to bear responsibility for what you eat in any way. We do this because I sometimes like the idea of eating a carrot and a bowl of popcorn for dinner, and my husband wouldn't consider that a meal, so he makes something else or orders. I think we would handle a preference for takeout in the same way - where one person could order takeout 2 extra dinners a week beyond our couple takeout dinner, and the other person probably would just cook for themselves that night.
but the major caveat is that we don't share bank accounts, so our budgeting (besides the household expenses that we've agreed on, and our joint saving contributions) can be done however the person feels is appropriate - extra restaurant expenses would just be considered hobby money.
Also we never eat lunch together because we aren't in the same location at lunchtime, so I guess there's a good opportunity to eat differently too. I eat sushi for lunch often, and my husband doesn't like sushi.
posted by euphoria066 at 12:41 PM on February 4, 2021
This has varied wildly over the years in my relationship varying on all sorts of factors. Unless this is posing budget problems, it’s probably less important to come up with an ideal solution now than to pick something to try and to develop a good way to revisit it and figure out how it’s working for both of your staying open to change.
In the pre pandemic era, I mostly got my novelty seeking out of the way during workday lunches, and my partner who likes to cook mostly cooked dinner, with an understanding that a specific 1-2 nights a week were usually delivery nights and Saturday lunches were often for going out while we were out anyway running our weekly errands together. That worked pretty well for us. In earlier years the balance has been anywhere from almost all home cooked food to almost none.
As a side note, we both have chronic medical conditions and when we are short on energy and ability to do things, food has often been one of the first things on our list that we outsource to save our effort for other things.
posted by Stacey at 12:49 PM on February 4, 2021
In the pre pandemic era, I mostly got my novelty seeking out of the way during workday lunches, and my partner who likes to cook mostly cooked dinner, with an understanding that a specific 1-2 nights a week were usually delivery nights and Saturday lunches were often for going out while we were out anyway running our weekly errands together. That worked pretty well for us. In earlier years the balance has been anywhere from almost all home cooked food to almost none.
As a side note, we both have chronic medical conditions and when we are short on energy and ability to do things, food has often been one of the first things on our list that we outsource to save our effort for other things.
posted by Stacey at 12:49 PM on February 4, 2021
Go pot-luck and designate certain days to share food, and other days, eat on their own? Obviously on the sharing days a bit more care in picking out the food is important.
posted by kschang at 1:52 PM on February 4, 2021
posted by kschang at 1:52 PM on February 4, 2021
It really depends a lot on whether the crux of the issue is the eating or the spending. I have just as a general policy always kept money separate in my relationships (and for what it's worth, I would be the Takeout Partner in your situation for sure).
Grafting my memories of other similar conflicts onto this situation, I think I'd handle it by pinning down the values underlying each of our approaches to food and just finding a way to meet everyone's values regardless of how the details LOOK.
What is valuable about cohabitation vs separate living?
What role does eating play in those values?
What role does money play in those values?
What does food mean to each of the people, what family backgrounds (good or bad) do they have with Dinnertime, with cooking, with eating.
So on and so forth. It doesn't have to be like one big conversation where you hash it all out and then have a plan; you can keep trying different things as you talk it through and when one arrangement feels bad, dig into why and what would make it better.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:27 PM on February 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
Grafting my memories of other similar conflicts onto this situation, I think I'd handle it by pinning down the values underlying each of our approaches to food and just finding a way to meet everyone's values regardless of how the details LOOK.
What is valuable about cohabitation vs separate living?
What role does eating play in those values?
What role does money play in those values?
What does food mean to each of the people, what family backgrounds (good or bad) do they have with Dinnertime, with cooking, with eating.
So on and so forth. It doesn't have to be like one big conversation where you hash it all out and then have a plan; you can keep trying different things as you talk it through and when one arrangement feels bad, dig into why and what would make it better.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:27 PM on February 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
I should add to my answer that (prior to covid) even though my husband does most of the cooking I would go on grocery shopping trips with him. Or I would make a separate trip for my stuff. I didn't just assume that because he was going anyway, I could send along a list of stuff I wanted.
posted by muddgirl at 2:29 PM on February 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by muddgirl at 2:29 PM on February 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
My husband and I have some differences, particularly that he likes to eat at what seems like a crazy-late hour to me (8:30 is his preferred supper time, I go to bed around 10:30!) Between that and a few differences in the things we like to eat, over the years we've gotten pretty comfortable doing our own thing at meal time. Usually I get dinner ready at the time I want to eat, and he heats his up later.
I do like to order takeout but we often don't agree on the place. If he doesn't like what I'm ordering, he orders from someplace else or finds himself something to eat here at home (leftovers, a sandwich, a can of soup.)
We do like to go out to restaurants in more precedented times, so that requires some compromise on the timing and some negotiation on the place.
Bottom line, we sometimes do our own thing and sometimes compromise, and mostly it works out. We rarely fight but the few times we've had hostilities at one another have actually mostly been when hashing out eat-out or order-in plans.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:06 PM on February 4, 2021
I do like to order takeout but we often don't agree on the place. If he doesn't like what I'm ordering, he orders from someplace else or finds himself something to eat here at home (leftovers, a sandwich, a can of soup.)
We do like to go out to restaurants in more precedented times, so that requires some compromise on the timing and some negotiation on the place.
Bottom line, we sometimes do our own thing and sometimes compromise, and mostly it works out. We rarely fight but the few times we've had hostilities at one another have actually mostly been when hashing out eat-out or order-in plans.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:06 PM on February 4, 2021
I should mention that we rarely sit down to eat a meal together at home, the only time we sit across the table from one another is if we go out. However, when he has his dinner at 8:30 he likes to eat in front of the TV, so I sit there and watch TV with him while he eats.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:14 PM on February 4, 2021
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:14 PM on February 4, 2021
When I moved in with my partner roughly 2.5 years ago, he rarely cooked dinner and mainly ate a combo of takeout and frozen food. I cooked every night and never got takeout. Nor did he really have a set idea of what dinner was - whereas to me, dinner must combine somehow protein, starch, and a vegetable. I also really value eating together, whereas he didn't grow up doing that in his family.
In the first year, I did basically all of the cooking - he compensated by doing other chores. In this time, he came to appreciate my concept of dinner, and also realized cooking could be less hard than he had made it out to be. I compromised a bit in terms of getting takeout or eating out more.
Then, I got a new job that was more work-intensive with a slightly higher salary. Now he does most of the cooking, and we get more takeout than before. So I agree, however you start, it will likely change as other factors in your lives change.
While I've adjusted my willingness to get takeout upwards, until COVID hit, he was regularly getting snacks/treats from various places either near his work or our apartment.
Finally, if you can make a point to cook together at least once a week, that can be a nice tradition - and it makes it more likely the cooking adverse person might overtime become a little less put off by cooking.
posted by coffeecat at 3:24 PM on February 4, 2021
In the first year, I did basically all of the cooking - he compensated by doing other chores. In this time, he came to appreciate my concept of dinner, and also realized cooking could be less hard than he had made it out to be. I compromised a bit in terms of getting takeout or eating out more.
Then, I got a new job that was more work-intensive with a slightly higher salary. Now he does most of the cooking, and we get more takeout than before. So I agree, however you start, it will likely change as other factors in your lives change.
While I've adjusted my willingness to get takeout upwards, until COVID hit, he was regularly getting snacks/treats from various places either near his work or our apartment.
Finally, if you can make a point to cook together at least once a week, that can be a nice tradition - and it makes it more likely the cooking adverse person might overtime become a little less put off by cooking.
posted by coffeecat at 3:24 PM on February 4, 2021
Issues that could come up:
You keep cooking, for both of you, but may resent the time and effort.
He wants to keep grabbing takeout, has picky tastes.
Probably way more. Try to talk about some of it just to be prepared for any friction
I'm pretty frugal, so I'd recommend asking him to set aside some meals savings and maybe spend some on a cleaner, maybe on a weekly or so meal out together, and maybe set a financial goal - vacation? You know, as if Covid will actually end.
posted by theora55 at 3:39 PM on February 4, 2021
You keep cooking, for both of you, but may resent the time and effort.
He wants to keep grabbing takeout, has picky tastes.
Probably way more. Try to talk about some of it just to be prepared for any friction
I'm pretty frugal, so I'd recommend asking him to set aside some meals savings and maybe spend some on a cleaner, maybe on a weekly or so meal out together, and maybe set a financial goal - vacation? You know, as if Covid will actually end.
posted by theora55 at 3:39 PM on February 4, 2021
Are you all talking about combining finances? This could become a very big deal then. But I'm going to make some suggestions based on a starting point that you all are keeping your finances separate and this isn't a source of tension within the relationship.
Because you mentioned lunch, I'm guessing you are both working from home? That would likely make your partner's behavior in this regard more obvious. So I'd maybe not worry about lunch so much? I'd focus on dinners.
For dinners, here's my suggestion: try, for a few weeks, go every other day alternating, like this:
Monday: Restaurant lover orders dinner for both, pays for both
Tuesday: Cooking lover makes dinner for both
Wednesday: Restaurant lover orders dinner for both, pays for both
Thursday: Cooking lover makes dinner for both
My thinking here is that, in theory, the restaurant lover is paying the same amount or less than before (because they're paying half as many tips, delivery fees, etc, even if they are ordering another entree), so their spending shouldn't shift a lot. The cooking lover is cooking more, but less often. See how this feels. Maybe the restaurant lover will enjoy this, and the cooking lover will enjoy taking a break. But the idea is to do both and see how it feels.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:40 PM on February 4, 2021 [11 favorites]
Because you mentioned lunch, I'm guessing you are both working from home? That would likely make your partner's behavior in this regard more obvious. So I'd maybe not worry about lunch so much? I'd focus on dinners.
For dinners, here's my suggestion: try, for a few weeks, go every other day alternating, like this:
Monday: Restaurant lover orders dinner for both, pays for both
Tuesday: Cooking lover makes dinner for both
Wednesday: Restaurant lover orders dinner for both, pays for both
Thursday: Cooking lover makes dinner for both
My thinking here is that, in theory, the restaurant lover is paying the same amount or less than before (because they're paying half as many tips, delivery fees, etc, even if they are ordering another entree), so their spending shouldn't shift a lot. The cooking lover is cooking more, but less often. See how this feels. Maybe the restaurant lover will enjoy this, and the cooking lover will enjoy taking a break. But the idea is to do both and see how it feels.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:40 PM on February 4, 2021 [11 favorites]
I like bluedaisy’s take on this. I could very easily see a situation where the person who cooks ends up either having to cook all the time for both of you in an effort to save money or because partner refuses to cook, has to spend large amounts of money on eating out. Both of which seem like a losing proposition for the OP, if their finances are combined.
Blue daisy offers a nice compromise assuming you’re both on board.
posted by Jubey at 4:01 PM on February 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
Blue daisy offers a nice compromise assuming you’re both on board.
posted by Jubey at 4:01 PM on February 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
We basically do what bluedaisy suggests. I usually get and pay for takeout, partner usually cooks. (He does like eating out and I do like baking, so we aren't polar opposites, but we do trend in different directions.) FWIW, I will note as a restaurant devotee that it helps me to focus on quality instead of quantity: since we're working from home most days we eat sandwiches or soup or something for lunch rather than the expensive and mediocre stuff I'd eat near the office. Then on the nights when I do pick up takeout, I get something nice.
posted by ferret branca at 7:50 PM on February 4, 2021
posted by ferret branca at 7:50 PM on February 4, 2021
Under similar circumstances, the person who cooked continued cooking with a little input from the frozen food / restaurant person. A menu of meals enjoyed by both built up and the non-cook (me) saves a lot of money. We go out to trivia one night a week which is our restaurant night, and there are always simple options available if the cook doesn't want to: toasted sandwiches, tuna on rice.
posted by b33j at 9:32 PM on February 4, 2021
posted by b33j at 9:32 PM on February 4, 2021
Hey maybe tho since the OP does not ID any genders, we could stop assuming that the cooking person identifies as female and the takeout person identifies as male? Signed, a lady who fucking hates to cook
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:51 AM on February 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:51 AM on February 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
Hey maybe tho since the OP does not ID any genders, we could stop assuming that the cooking person identifies as female and the takeout person identifies as male?
The OP has, in previous questions, identified herself as a woman and asked several cooking questions. I only see a few questions where folks did this. But... it's not exactly a secret what this dynamic is based on information shared.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:35 PM on February 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
The OP has, in previous questions, identified herself as a woman and asked several cooking questions. I only see a few questions where folks did this. But... it's not exactly a secret what this dynamic is based on information shared.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:35 PM on February 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
« Older Looking for an argon regulator with a digital... | How do I explain getting fired / managed out Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by AugustWest at 10:46 AM on February 4, 2021 [6 favorites]