How do I grow up again?
July 20, 2009 6:18 AM Subscribe
I'm dating a wonderful guy. We're about to move in together. I'm kind of nervous, and starting to get irritable and argumentative. How do I not do that?
14 months ago, I met a great guy and since then we've grown very close. He moved away 10 months ago, I found a job I love and moved there too in February, and he suggested moving in together at the end of this month. We get along well, have lots of fun, and both have said we'd like this to possibly go all the way. He stays at my place about 5 nights a week anyway. Being around him has been one of the best things to happen in a long time.
Before that, I was in a 6+ year relationship, mostly long-distance, where my ex and I technically lived together but he was only around on weekends. There was a lot wrong there, but long story short I didn't feel he cared about what I thought, we argued constantly and he cheated often, and we broke up. At the end of that relationship I felt my personality had changed a lot and I was less sociable, less trusting, and less willing to believe that other people cared and wanted to help than I had been before. Basically, I felt and acted more like a "teenager" and less like a "grownup", even though I was over 30 by then!
So back to the present. Not only have I not shared living space with anyone full-time in years, I'm having trouble adjusting to someone who actually gives a shit about my emotions and would rather talk things out than tell me I'm being ridiculous. Sounds great, right? Only while I'm getting better at identifying problems and sharing before tempers go haywire, I still backslide sometimes, and get in a huff for what probably looks like no reason at all because I spent hours letting something small annoy me. He's patient with me, but I've noticed it's been happening more frequently since we decided to live together, just when I want it to happen less often. I'm scared some part of me is trying to sabotage this relationship.
For what it's worth I've forgiven the ex. Because we're not in contact I have no way of knowing how he feels about it, but from a distance I wish him well and hope things work out for him as they seem to be working out for me. We were both at bad points in our lives then and not bad people as such.
I love my new boyfriend and really feel this is the right time for a lot of reasons (leases, job downtime, common goals, and of course the love part) to move in together. What I'd like is some idea of how to stop this becoming a slippery slope, and continue getting better about improving my relationship communication skills instead of worse. What I want are solid tools, mantras, horse sense recommendations, whatever worked for you. Also, I'd rather the responses weren't too snarky, I already know I don't always act my age. Has this ever happened to you? If so, how did you deal with it?
14 months ago, I met a great guy and since then we've grown very close. He moved away 10 months ago, I found a job I love and moved there too in February, and he suggested moving in together at the end of this month. We get along well, have lots of fun, and both have said we'd like this to possibly go all the way. He stays at my place about 5 nights a week anyway. Being around him has been one of the best things to happen in a long time.
Before that, I was in a 6+ year relationship, mostly long-distance, where my ex and I technically lived together but he was only around on weekends. There was a lot wrong there, but long story short I didn't feel he cared about what I thought, we argued constantly and he cheated often, and we broke up. At the end of that relationship I felt my personality had changed a lot and I was less sociable, less trusting, and less willing to believe that other people cared and wanted to help than I had been before. Basically, I felt and acted more like a "teenager" and less like a "grownup", even though I was over 30 by then!
So back to the present. Not only have I not shared living space with anyone full-time in years, I'm having trouble adjusting to someone who actually gives a shit about my emotions and would rather talk things out than tell me I'm being ridiculous. Sounds great, right? Only while I'm getting better at identifying problems and sharing before tempers go haywire, I still backslide sometimes, and get in a huff for what probably looks like no reason at all because I spent hours letting something small annoy me. He's patient with me, but I've noticed it's been happening more frequently since we decided to live together, just when I want it to happen less often. I'm scared some part of me is trying to sabotage this relationship.
For what it's worth I've forgiven the ex. Because we're not in contact I have no way of knowing how he feels about it, but from a distance I wish him well and hope things work out for him as they seem to be working out for me. We were both at bad points in our lives then and not bad people as such.
I love my new boyfriend and really feel this is the right time for a lot of reasons (leases, job downtime, common goals, and of course the love part) to move in together. What I'd like is some idea of how to stop this becoming a slippery slope, and continue getting better about improving my relationship communication skills instead of worse. What I want are solid tools, mantras, horse sense recommendations, whatever worked for you. Also, I'd rather the responses weren't too snarky, I already know I don't always act my age. Has this ever happened to you? If so, how did you deal with it?
I'd say that by posting this message, you're already on the way. You recognize this is an issue and are willing to work through it, rather than fight and cause conflict to deflect it.
If you're feeling this bent out of shape, perhaps you should see if you can ease into moving in together. Perhaps you should first sleep over at his place, and he at yours. Then, move a few things into his pad, and let him do the same. It's my experience that in time, you'll basically be living together anyways if you can stand each others' habits.
Good luck!
posted by reenum at 6:58 AM on July 20, 2009
If you're feeling this bent out of shape, perhaps you should see if you can ease into moving in together. Perhaps you should first sleep over at his place, and he at yours. Then, move a few things into his pad, and let him do the same. It's my experience that in time, you'll basically be living together anyways if you can stand each others' habits.
Good luck!
posted by reenum at 6:58 AM on July 20, 2009
I think the more concretely you can describe your behavior, the better the suggestions here can be. I personally think your whole relationship history is less important, and what's more important is: what exactly do you do? Your only description of your behavior is that you "get in a huff." Do you: ignore him? snap at him for nothing? give him passive-aggressive answers to well-meaning questions? bite his head off when he asks what's wrong?
Each of these behaviors will have a set of people who are prone to them, too, and can help you out.
Me, I have a tendency to get snippy when I'm irritated -- dismissive of everything the other person is saying, snapping out little one-liners rather than engaging constructively. I used to say nasty things, and now I don't, although my tone still veers into the snippy sometimes -- we're all still working on something. The way I stopped saying nasty things was to do the following: (1) after each time I did it, I thought of an equally nasty equivalent and imagined him saying it to me, which made me really understand what a terrible thing that was to do, and (2) in the moment of anger, literally pursing my lips together -- like I was clamping them shut -- and not saying anything unless I'd thought about it and decided it was relevant and not mean. Now I don't need to do those anymore. Though I'm interested to hear from other snippers (snappers?) about how they keep from all the lesser behaviors.
I think it also helped me to accept that my behavior was indulging myself at the expense of a person I love. I just don't think of myself as being an asshole, and that is an asshole move.
Good luck with this! Whether this relationship works out or not, it's a great thing to learn -- self-control despite the desire to release your feelings in a certain habitual, destructive way.
posted by palliser at 6:59 AM on July 20, 2009
Each of these behaviors will have a set of people who are prone to them, too, and can help you out.
Me, I have a tendency to get snippy when I'm irritated -- dismissive of everything the other person is saying, snapping out little one-liners rather than engaging constructively. I used to say nasty things, and now I don't, although my tone still veers into the snippy sometimes -- we're all still working on something. The way I stopped saying nasty things was to do the following: (1) after each time I did it, I thought of an equally nasty equivalent and imagined him saying it to me, which made me really understand what a terrible thing that was to do, and (2) in the moment of anger, literally pursing my lips together -- like I was clamping them shut -- and not saying anything unless I'd thought about it and decided it was relevant and not mean. Now I don't need to do those anymore. Though I'm interested to hear from other snippers (snappers?) about how they keep from all the lesser behaviors.
I think it also helped me to accept that my behavior was indulging myself at the expense of a person I love. I just don't think of myself as being an asshole, and that is an asshole move.
Good luck with this! Whether this relationship works out or not, it's a great thing to learn -- self-control despite the desire to release your feelings in a certain habitual, destructive way.
posted by palliser at 6:59 AM on July 20, 2009
I just recently moved in with my boyfriend (two months before taking the bar, no less), and I have periodically found myself becoming withdrawn or short with him when I am frustrated about something (not necessarily related to him) or anxious. One thing that I've found helps is to tell him that I'm feeling frustrated/anxious/whatever as soon as I notice that it's happening. Likely, your boyfriend will understand that the transition from living alone to sharing space is going to be frustrating and/or difficult for you, no matter how well you get along. The big thing is communication -- don't be afraid to tell him how you're feeling and how it's causing you to react. (E.g. - "Today I am having a hard time with not having my own space. It's making me touchy and things are not coming out the way I want them to. I'm not angry with you. I'm just adjusting.") The more clearly that the two of you can communicate your feelings, the easier it will be to share space.
posted by betty botter at 7:29 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by betty botter at 7:29 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
Take a look at Feeling good: the new mood therapy. The tip-off here is spending hours working yourself into a huff about a trivial annoyance. Before getting huffy, do you fact-check to see if indeed a huff is justified? Are you over-generalizing (he left the seat up so he doesn't love me!) or unnecessarily personalizing? I just started the book but it does have some techniques for working on thought distortions that might be helpful to you.
and now I feel like the AskMe book recommendation robot. At least I didn't send you to therapy
posted by crazycanuck at 8:27 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
and now I feel like the AskMe book recommendation robot. At least I didn't send you to therapy
posted by crazycanuck at 8:27 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
What I got from your message was a sense that you are creating a bit of distance by your behavior because the feeling of being too close is scary. (I could be off track entirely but as I read your words, that just keep poking me in the metaphorical eye.)
Acknowledging the issue you mention and bringing it into the light (and your consciousness) will go a LONG way toward resolving it. Once you see it, you can't UNsee it. :-) You'll be fine. Lots of good suggestions out there.
TRUST.
posted by Mysticalchick at 8:29 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
Acknowledging the issue you mention and bringing it into the light (and your consciousness) will go a LONG way toward resolving it. Once you see it, you can't UNsee it. :-) You'll be fine. Lots of good suggestions out there.
TRUST.
posted by Mysticalchick at 8:29 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
When some small thing annoys you, remind yourself that he probably didnt do it to annoy you.
For example my other half has a habit of leaving cupboards in the kitchen open. As a fundamentally tidy person I have a hard time understanding why he does this. "I would never do this, he must realise that doing this makes me annoyed!" If Im not careful somewhere along the line I will rationalise this into 'You left the cupboard open again and I had to close it behind you, you did it to make me annoyed. Therefore I'm upset with you for annoying me'.
When in reality he just didnt realise he left the cupboard open, it didnt register with him that he did it. When he enters the room he just doesnt see whats out of place in the same way I do.
This Times lifestyle article is specifically about messiness but it made me laugh and reminds me not get so annoyed at those little things that would drive me crazy if I let them.
posted by Ness at 9:03 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
For example my other half has a habit of leaving cupboards in the kitchen open. As a fundamentally tidy person I have a hard time understanding why he does this. "I would never do this, he must realise that doing this makes me annoyed!" If Im not careful somewhere along the line I will rationalise this into 'You left the cupboard open again and I had to close it behind you, you did it to make me annoyed. Therefore I'm upset with you for annoying me'.
When in reality he just didnt realise he left the cupboard open, it didnt register with him that he did it. When he enters the room he just doesnt see whats out of place in the same way I do.
This Times lifestyle article is specifically about messiness but it made me laugh and reminds me not get so annoyed at those little things that would drive me crazy if I let them.
posted by Ness at 9:03 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
Only while I'm getting better at identifying problems and sharing before tempers go haywire, I still backslide sometimes, and get in a huff for what probably looks like no reason at all because I spent hours letting something small annoy me
You learned some bad behaviors, and breaking those habits is going to be a royal PITA for BOTH of you. As irritating as this might be, have him call you out when he notices this behavior. A frequent "honey, remember how you sometimes go nuts over little things?" will drive you nuts and lead to a few fights, but I think overall it'll help you nip this in the bud.
posted by paanta at 9:03 AM on July 20, 2009
You learned some bad behaviors, and breaking those habits is going to be a royal PITA for BOTH of you. As irritating as this might be, have him call you out when he notices this behavior. A frequent "honey, remember how you sometimes go nuts over little things?" will drive you nuts and lead to a few fights, but I think overall it'll help you nip this in the bud.
posted by paanta at 9:03 AM on July 20, 2009
anonymous: Only while I'm getting better at identifying problems and sharing before tempers go haywire, I still backslide sometimes, and get in a huff for what probably looks like no reason at all because I spent hours letting something small annoy me.
This. If you're being huffy and snippy right now because of something that happened hours ago, you're being passive aggressive and destructive to your relationship. Your partner has no way of knowing what the "thing" that annoyed you is unless you tell him. If you don't tell him, you rob him of the tools to make it better, and are therefore just indulging your annoyance.
This is how drama is fostered and how soap operas are written. It's tiresome and exhausting. (And I'm not having a go at you; it's very common. We don't have a lot of models for healthy conflict resolution in our culture.)
Your partner is not a mind reader so it is up to you to lay your cards on the table. If you can develop the skill of doing it without arguing or criticising, there isn't a reason not to. "It would make me happy if you would remember to pick your socks up" is a nice way to do that, right then, when you're handing him his socks.
For bigger things, a plainly stated "It makes me resentful that I'm spending a lot of time making these nice dinners and I don't feel very appreciated" is a non-aggressive, open way to talk about an issue.
Basically, I guess I'm saying that if you spend some time learning about successful communication techniques, figuring out how to express your feelings without escalating, and how to ask for what you need, you'll be far more inclined to deal with things immediately, less likely to fester, and less likely to indulge in habits that are not good for relationships.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:21 AM on July 20, 2009 [3 favorites]
This. If you're being huffy and snippy right now because of something that happened hours ago, you're being passive aggressive and destructive to your relationship. Your partner has no way of knowing what the "thing" that annoyed you is unless you tell him. If you don't tell him, you rob him of the tools to make it better, and are therefore just indulging your annoyance.
This is how drama is fostered and how soap operas are written. It's tiresome and exhausting. (And I'm not having a go at you; it's very common. We don't have a lot of models for healthy conflict resolution in our culture.)
Your partner is not a mind reader so it is up to you to lay your cards on the table. If you can develop the skill of doing it without arguing or criticising, there isn't a reason not to. "It would make me happy if you would remember to pick your socks up" is a nice way to do that, right then, when you're handing him his socks.
For bigger things, a plainly stated "It makes me resentful that I'm spending a lot of time making these nice dinners and I don't feel very appreciated" is a non-aggressive, open way to talk about an issue.
Basically, I guess I'm saying that if you spend some time learning about successful communication techniques, figuring out how to express your feelings without escalating, and how to ask for what you need, you'll be far more inclined to deal with things immediately, less likely to fester, and less likely to indulge in habits that are not good for relationships.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:21 AM on July 20, 2009 [3 favorites]
You're having this exact conversation with him, right? Not the one about whatever you're annoyed at in a particular moment (cf DarlingBri above), but the meta one, about how you feel about moving in together, where you cop to acting like a snippy bitch sometimes, and share with him whatever part of the ex backstory he doesn't already know, and then you apologize for your behavior, and tell him you want to do it differently, and ask for his help and support in doing so?
If you haven't had that conversation, have it. I bet it will bring you a lot of relief. For me, that kind of conversation is the most important step in changing a bad interpersonal dynamic. For sure don't try to do it on your own, without sharing your process with him. This may seem like aberrant bad behavior on your part, but it can also be chance for you and your sweetie to grow in intimacy.
posted by ottereroticist at 10:51 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you haven't had that conversation, have it. I bet it will bring you a lot of relief. For me, that kind of conversation is the most important step in changing a bad interpersonal dynamic. For sure don't try to do it on your own, without sharing your process with him. This may seem like aberrant bad behavior on your part, but it can also be chance for you and your sweetie to grow in intimacy.
posted by ottereroticist at 10:51 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
This sort of happened to me when I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. I became super anxious and stressed out about the tiniest things because I was worried they were just pre-indicators of the big TERRIBLE relationship-ruining possibilities of the future.
For example, I freaked out the first weekend we lived together because he left a couple dishes in the sink. Not because I'm a neat freak whatsoever, but because I suddenly foresaw YEARS OF DISHES piling up and my life being spent as his maid, unappreciated, etc. I was being totally absurd. He does the dishes way more than I do now, and it was just a momentary slip-up on his part, but since I didn't know what to expect and was worried about the uncertainty of it all, I kept making dire, worst case scenario predictions about the smallest of his habits or behaviors, things that ultimately ended up not being a big deal at all, or not even occurring (except in my head.)
So my advice would be-- when something starts to annoy you beyond reason or freak you out, maybe mention it calmly and then give him the benefit of the doubt, and wait and see whether those subconscious fears actually have any merit to them. Don't jump the gun, wait it out a little, and those relationship-threatening mountains will seem like molehills in no time.
posted by np312 at 11:39 AM on July 20, 2009
For example, I freaked out the first weekend we lived together because he left a couple dishes in the sink. Not because I'm a neat freak whatsoever, but because I suddenly foresaw YEARS OF DISHES piling up and my life being spent as his maid, unappreciated, etc. I was being totally absurd. He does the dishes way more than I do now, and it was just a momentary slip-up on his part, but since I didn't know what to expect and was worried about the uncertainty of it all, I kept making dire, worst case scenario predictions about the smallest of his habits or behaviors, things that ultimately ended up not being a big deal at all, or not even occurring (except in my head.)
So my advice would be-- when something starts to annoy you beyond reason or freak you out, maybe mention it calmly and then give him the benefit of the doubt, and wait and see whether those subconscious fears actually have any merit to them. Don't jump the gun, wait it out a little, and those relationship-threatening mountains will seem like molehills in no time.
posted by np312 at 11:39 AM on July 20, 2009
My advice? Don't stew. Talk it out with him, but not before
a) waiting to see if it becomes a recurring thing (as np312 mentions),
b) counting at least to ten, and maybe going for a walk to calm down first and
c) looking hard at whether it's genuinely a problem or whether it's your emotions taking hold.
If it's a small annoyance, like he stacks the dishwasher some different way than you do, ask yourself if the world is about to fall in because of it. If he's leaving all the lights on all the time, and you're concerned about paying an astronomical electricity bill, talk to him about your concerns and see if some solution can be reached. It's about balance, and the push-pull of supporting your partner and looking after yourself.
posted by LN at 12:06 PM on July 20, 2009
a) waiting to see if it becomes a recurring thing (as np312 mentions),
b) counting at least to ten, and maybe going for a walk to calm down first and
c) looking hard at whether it's genuinely a problem or whether it's your emotions taking hold.
If it's a small annoyance, like he stacks the dishwasher some different way than you do, ask yourself if the world is about to fall in because of it. If he's leaving all the lights on all the time, and you're concerned about paying an astronomical electricity bill, talk to him about your concerns and see if some solution can be reached. It's about balance, and the push-pull of supporting your partner and looking after yourself.
posted by LN at 12:06 PM on July 20, 2009
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posted by Obscure Reference at 6:29 AM on July 20, 2009