How do I feel better about my boyfriend not wanting to live together?
December 30, 2010 8:44 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend of 3.5 years doesn't want to live with me yet, and I'm incredibly hurt by that. Please help me think about this in a more constructive way, and help me move on from toxic thoughts about his lack of desire to live with me.
posted by superlibby to human relations (48 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
My long-term boyfriend and I are generally a very, very happy couple. I love him dearly. However, his indecision about moving in together followed by his ultimate decision to not move in together have really hurt me.
A brief timeline:
August 2010: I say to the boyfriend, "Hey, my roommate's getting married, and I'm going to move out off my place. I spend 29-30 nights a month at your place. I think we need to take this step to start figuring out our future. What do you think? I need an answer by November 1 so I can give 2-months notice to my landlord." He says he's on the fence, but he'll think about it.
September-October 2010: We talk about it. He can't decide anything.
November 1: Still no decision. I give my 2 month notice anyway.
November 15: Still no decision. I tell him he needs to make a decision now. He decides he doesn't want to live together.
So, I'm moving into my own studio. Which should be and exciting and fabulous thing for a young woman, but I've been totally miserable.
Things that bother me about this whole ordeal:
He's had little compassion about why this upsets me, and he has acted pretty cold about the whole thing. However, he does have a point that I gave him a choice and agreed to live by myself.
I'm frustrated that it took him so long to give me a "No." If we weren't going to change the status quo, why not tell me 4 months ago?
He's very indecisive in general (about life/purchases/everything).
The reasons he gives for not wanting to live together are
A) Well, we already practically live together, so we're learning about each other that way, so why change things?
B) If we live together we might as well get married.
C) If we move in together and break up, it would really suck.
A and B seem really inconsistent to me, but C is right, but it's going to suck regardless.
Factors that may be contributing to my unhappiness:
We've spent 3.5 weeks apart during the time between his decision and now (2 days before my move) due to vacation, so we haven't had the usual amount of lovey-dovey time.
He scheduled his flight back from home for 3 days after my move-in date. This makes me feel frustrated as I've helped him move multiple times.
Anyway, I want to feel optimistic about the boyfriend and I's future as well as optimistic about my living situation, but I'm having lots of doubts and unhappy thoughts. Please give me advice for thinking about this in a way that doesn't leave me unhappy/lets me embrace what has happened.