This situation is so played out.

March 23, 2006 10:48 PM

How do I get over a really wicked crush?

The deal:

I moved in with two friends. One of which I am especially close to. Close as in we consider each other best or one of our best friends. Also, we sleep (read: have sex) together somewhat regularly.

At the time moving in together sounded like the best idea ever. Good friend + sex = two birds, one stone. One stop shopping. However. I'm starting to develop feelings for him. To say this is a complication neither of us needs is somewhat of an understatement. Firstly, he's in love with someone else. We talk about it regularly. Until recently this has never been a problem. In fact I usually LIKE helping him with his girl issues. But all of a sudden though I find myself feeling jealous and it is really starting to get to me. I don't want to BE with him, as in boyfriend and girlfriend. I really don't. It would never work.

I should say in his defense, that my roommate is an extremely sensual person and for him sex and love (though he does love me platonically) do not necessarily go hand in hand. His love for this other girl (who he is not with, by the way) is very much separate from our sexual relationship which I can only assume he considers a happy side effect of a close friendship.

Is there any way prevent this thing from developing? I'm aware that the sex part should most likely stop. Easier said than done, unfortunately, but that's the plan, thus far.

posted by heavenstobetsy to human relations (27 comments total)

move out and don't return his calls. His relationship with you is NOT platonic, it's merely convenient.

Cut your losses.
posted by seawallrunner at 11:05 PM on March 23, 2006

The easiest way to get over a crush is to develop a new one.
posted by mullingitover at 11:07 PM on March 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

If either or both of you ever want a real relationship with anyone, you should move out.

People are multifaceted, and when we take just that one part of them (the sex part) and leave the rest:

A) It makes a big emotional mess, and

B) It prevents them from being with a person who really wants them. All of them.

You don't want to be with him. You just said it. So move along, and let him find someone who does. (And in the meantime, you'll free yourself to find someone who wants you. Not just sex.)
posted by eleyna at 11:14 PM on March 23, 2006

I'm not sure how to get over a crush (I've been harboring one for the better part of a year now), but I think seawallrunner is way off. However, you are probably going to have to remove the benefits from your friends w/benefits relationship, and go back to simply being good/best friends. If this turns out to be impossible, then I'd consider that seawall is possibly right.
posted by knave at 11:17 PM on March 23, 2006

You don't have to act on your feelings. I guess if your crush is making the sex dynamic less enjoyable for you, you should stop sleeping with him, but otherwise don't try to "give up" your crush - just let it ride. Eventually you'll get distracted by something.
posted by chudmonkey at 11:18 PM on March 23, 2006

It's not inevitable, but it is very likely that persistently shagging someone leads to romantic feelings. There is a reason stable arrangements of this kind aren't common. So well done on arriving at the "no sex" conclusion. Perhaps whenever the feelings arrive you can try visualising just how terrible a long term relationship with this person would be.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:05 AM on March 24, 2006

Yeah, I'll agree with knave and joe's_spleen that the "benefits" have to go...in the event that you DON'T get over this crush and this guy starts going out with this other person he's in love with, the sex (if it continues, which it may not) is just going to be a harsh reminder of what you're missing. Not to mention the fact that the jealousy you're experiencing now will likely get a lot worse.

Just as a side note, is there a specific reason you don't want to be with him? You seem to be giving a bit of a mixed message, which may indicate some mixed feelings on your part...from where I'm standing, good friend + good sex = good relationship (at least hypothetically). In a way, it sounds like you might be avoiding the idea of getting into a relationship with this guy because you're afraid that a rejection from him could mean the end of the friendship...which is a valid concern, but a bit different from not wanting to be in a relationship with him.
posted by johnsmith415 at 12:22 AM on March 24, 2006

I think you both may be kidding yourselves.
posted by ewkpates at 4:23 AM on March 24, 2006

I think you both may be kidding yourselves.

word. it is both walking like a duck and talking like a duck.
posted by sergeant sandwich at 6:23 AM on March 24, 2006

If its at all possible, you need to move out, give yourself several weeks of non-contact with him, and get over it. Once you're back in control of your feelings, you can probably go back to being friends with him and helping him get this true love of his.

Usually if you've only just started having feelings, you can nip it in the bud with a little space. The huge problem will be if you fail to nip it in the bud, live with him for several months longer, find yourself thinking 'I NEED TO BE WITH THIS GUY!!' and giving those nasty looks to every woman he brings home. Even his mama.
posted by ZackTM at 6:29 AM on March 24, 2006

To clarify, I've seen this friend in relationships, and while he's an awesome friend, he's not exactly the best boyfriend. Not unsurprisingly, I'm sure, he's not exactly known for being faithful. I honestly can't imagine myself actually being with him, for that reason, as well as because I'd like to preserve our friendship.

I know it seems like sort of an odd situation, but neither of us really are in love with the other. Not to say that we both don't love eachother. It has always been the platonic kind of love though. I don't see that changing. I sort of think that the sex part is starting to confuse me because I've always been the sort to associate sex with love. And I'm having to reconcile this particular situation with preconceived (and rightly conceived, I believe) beliefs about loving/likeing someone.

I just need to stop thinking about this, mainly. I'm apt to agree with mullingitover, however unhealthy it may sound. It HAS after all, worked in the past.
posted by heavenstobetsy at 6:30 AM on March 24, 2006

No kidding he's not a good boyfriend! He's sleeping with his roommate FFS!

If your priority is getting over the crush, move out and find yourself some other guy(s) to sleep with. Your other choice is to leave things as they are, and eventually the crush will go away. Maybe in a month or a year or a couple of years, or in an instant if you meet someone else.

When you do strike up a relationship with someone else, it will be instantly destroyed the moment they find out you sleep with your roommate. Just something to bear in mind.
posted by nowonmai at 6:44 AM on March 24, 2006

Stop having sex with your friend? That'd probably be the easiest way to fix things. You would also be able to determine if he loves you (platonicly) or loves the sex.
posted by chunking express at 6:51 AM on March 24, 2006

Do you actually have a crush on him? Or are you just jealous that your best friend (with whom you also have great sex) might be "taken away" by another girl?

Consider that you have the best of all worlds right now - it sounds like his relationship with you might be a lot more genuine than those that he has with other girls. Best friends are hard to come by - other girls (and boys, for you) will come and go, but you two will still have each other as friends. And that's pretty awesome.

Find yourself a boy to like. Until then, let it ride as best you can.
posted by KAS at 6:56 AM on March 24, 2006

Oh, I am a woman, so don't read my comment as "just another sex obsessed boy that wants to have his cake and eat it too".
posted by KAS at 6:57 AM on March 24, 2006

I've seen this friend in relationships, and while he's an awesome friend, he's not exactly the best boyfriend.

not an awesome friend.

I know it seems like sort of an odd situation, but neither of us really are in love with the other. ... I don't see that changing.

you say above you're 'developing feelings' - things are changing in some way or other.

I sort of think that the sex part is starting to confuse me because I've always been the sort to associate sex with love. And I'm having to reconcile this particular situation with preconceived (and rightly conceived, I believe) beliefs about loving/likeing someone

are you trying to say "but this time it's different"? This seems kind of convoluted and confused. 'friends with benefits' can be a good relationship set-up, but it's usually "until something better comes along", or for people who actually want to remain single. If you live together and are best friends, and have sex, I would say you're out of 'friends with benefits' territory and into 'open relationship' (but if you're in a college-lifestyle where there are always lots of people around and he has other best friends, etc, then maybe that's not important)

Basically, if you feel two ways about something, I'd say you're already in trouble. You say you've always associated sex & love and that you consider these ideas rightly conceived: honestly try to ask yourself why this situation is different. If this is really going nowhere as a relationship, then you should be focused on your single life, or if you want to be in a relationship, noticing other people. If you find you are really focused on this guy, then maybe you kind of want more from him emotionally/personally than you know is reasonable intellectually. You can't rationally convince yourself not to feel stuff, though.

It doesn't sound like a good set up to me, and I'm all for alternative lifestyles in general. They just have to be entered with everyone honestly knowing/agreeing on what the deal is, and if stuff starts to change, you have to address it. Communication is the most important thing, so let him know what you're feeling, and if he's not into it, get out and regroup.
posted by mdn at 7:04 AM on March 24, 2006

move out

help set him up with the girl he loves

miss him for a few months while he is infatuated

welcome him back when she dumps him for not being a good boyfriend

have him to yourself again
posted by iurodivii at 7:59 AM on March 24, 2006

I think moving out would be good for you if it's possible to do, but in the meantime, I suggest you stop the sex with this guy.
If he's really in love with someone else, then you two having sex is eventually going to have a negative effect on your self-esteem as well as your opinion of him.

I also suggest that you immediately start dating other people in addition to stopping all 'relations' with this guy. Sign up for a speed-dating event or register for a (reputable!) online dating service or talk up a cute guy the next time you're at Starbucks. In other words, find the next crush.

Also, I suggest a little retail therapy. Treat yourself to a new outfit/top/accessory that is dedicated to events that do not include this guy. Get something you LOVE, and you are not allowed to wear it around him unless it's on your way out the door to something he's not attending.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 8:33 AM on March 24, 2006

I think the whole fuck-buddy thing is kind of an amazingly strange shift in values/mores/expectations. I'm not sure whether I'm jealous, old fashioned, or simply appalled by it.

My take is informed by the fact that, as a psychologist, I only see these things when they *aren't* working out, so I'm probably biased. There may be lots of these arrangements that are just terrific, and I hear rumors that polyamory works well for some people - I just never met any of them.

Anyway, in my admittedly biased perspective, having sex with someone changes everything, however much we'd like to tell ourselves otherwise. Deep feelings come forward as a result of that level of physical intimacy, and some of those feelings can be pretty strong. Guilt, jealousy, and so on are par for the course. Once you sleep with someone, I personally think that's *always* going to be part of your relationship - I don't think you can go back to the "just friends" place, though I'm perfectly willing to admit that I may be really old school about this.

Try not sleeping with him anymore, and see how it goes. I suspect one of you will have to move out.
posted by jasper411 at 8:57 AM on March 24, 2006

I sort of think that the sex part is starting to confuse me because I've always been the sort to associate sex with love.

I think this is your fundamental problem (not that associating sex with love is a problem itself, but that it will keep you from being able to enjoy purely sexual relationships). You've got a guy who's a really good friend, and with whom you really enjoy having sex. Relationshipville is usually the next exit on that highway, or at least one person almost invariably wants it to be. I speak from experience here -- I've had such arrangements go south on me before.

"Friends with benefits" situations like these nearly always end badly because of just the kind of situation you're describing. If you're the sort who doesn't feel jealousy over a sexual partner sleeping with or loving someone else -- indeed, if you get off on the idea, then you'd have a chance at maintaining such an arrangement, particularly have absolutely no romantic inclinations.

But by your own admission, you're not that way. You're like most people, and for most people, sex changes things. So yes, you have to stop having sex with him. And I'd say you need to talk to him about why. When you do, you'll feel less burdened, and you'll see his true colors when he reacts to what you have to say. Then you'll know for sure if this is a friendship you want to fight for. Yes, likely you'll have to move out, but there's a chance you can make it work. But you have to stop sleeping with him, now.

To answer the original question, you can't just "get over" a crush. If you try to repress it or ignore it, it only gets stronger. Face it head-on, and talk to him about it.
posted by middleclasstool at 10:04 AM on March 24, 2006

Pull the rip cord.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:27 AM on March 24, 2006

Also, besides stopping having sex with him, try to look at him objectively.

I'm married, so all my crushes end way before anything untoward could ever possibly happen, but I find that after time, I stop thinking of them in the idealized "oh, he's so dreamy" sense and start thinking of them as just some regular guy.

But sex fucks everything up, so you gotta quit that, stat.
posted by mckenney at 11:51 AM on March 24, 2006

I've been in a similar situation as your best friend. This particularly strikes me because I also follow into the 'bad boyfriend, doesn't commit well' category. I'm not going to try and tell you what to do, just tell my story from how I perceived it.

I really liked a 20 year-old girl when I was 23 (I think relative experience here is important, there's no way something like this would happen now). We didn't live with each other, but were effectively sleeping together every night for almost 6 months. I did some traveling and research work in another state for 6 months, then Europe for the summer. Although we considered ourselves best friends with benefits, and I was chasing plenty of girls both in the US and Europe, encouraged by my friend for most of this. A key difference between our stories is that I knew she wanted more than friends.

I came back to the school we both attended after the summer, assuming we would maintain our friends with benefits status. She ended up getting serious with a friend of mine, and it was only about a month into this that I very seriously realized I'd been in love with her (pathetic, huh?).
posted by onalark at 11:58 AM on March 24, 2006

As a side note, be careful disclosing past fuck-buddy relationships to future SOs if you know they're conservative sexually OR don't know whether they are or not. Not saying don't disclose if you're into disclosing past relationships in the name of closeness. Just be careful about how you phrase it and your timing - particularly if you and this guy are still friends.
posted by lorrer at 12:06 PM on March 24, 2006

I'd have to say move out, too,but on your way there, use your status as a room mate to notice all the things about him that truly, deeply suck. I'm not talking about the fact that he's fucking you and doesn't love you. I'm talking leaves the toilet seat up, eats your food, talks too loud, listens to bad music too loudly, shits big smelly shits and doesn't light a match or open the window, doesn't clean up after himself, talks about himself constantly and never asks about your day, hogs the bathroom in the morning, slams doors, walks too loudly, lets your cat out in the middle of the night (since he's a bad boyfriend, I'm guessing he's a lousy room mate too) A room mate has the perfect opportunity to get a vivid impression of how venal, selfish and filthy the person they live with is. Which is why most romantic couples living together break up within two years.
Get annoyed!
posted by Sara Anne at 1:45 PM on March 24, 2006

heavenstobetsy wrote "I sort of think that the sex part is starting to confuse me because I've always been the sort to associate sex with love. And I'm having to reconcile this particular situation with preconceived (and rightly conceived, I believe) beliefs about loving/likeing someone. "

It sounds, then, that you either weren't prepared or aren't well equipped for handling a sex without love arrangement in an emotional sense.

Rationalization isn't going to help you here, in my opinion and from my experience -- you can intellectually accept the concept, but to avoid falling in love and instead make yourself comfortable with the casual nature of the relationship, you'll need to make a real emotional adjustment.

Some people are natually inclined towards this sort of arrangement, whether because of their basic nature, upbringing, general maturation in relation to sex or past experiences.

You're not. You can get there, but you should really think first about whether it's a place you want to be because it's not always a switch that you can turn on and off -- it will have at least some affect the next actual relationships you try to have. Changing the situation is probably a far safer choice than changing your emotions.
posted by VulcanMike at 9:50 PM on March 24, 2006

lorrer wrote "As a side note, be careful disclosing past fuck-buddy relationships to future SOs if you know they're conservative sexually OR don't know whether they are or not. Not saying don't disclose if you're into disclosing past relationships in the name of closeness. Just be careful about how you phrase it and your timing - particularly if you and this guy are still friends."

lorrer's note above reflects what I'm saying -- you need to be careful in disclosing because it either reveals something significant about your approach to sex or raises suspiscion of the same. I'm ultra-liberal sexually, but can be quite conservative emotionally -- from that perspective, it's reassuring to hear from a new love interest that you got out of your casual sex relationship because it made you uncomfortable, and concerning to hear that you had no problem with it. If you're still friends with the person and were comfortable with the arrangement, it is completely an issue for the new lover, because the emotional barriers against cheating with the old partner are weaker.
posted by VulcanMike at 10:04 PM on March 24, 2006