I've achieved the perfect FWB situation. Except for that I can't stand him..

June 4, 2012 10:05 PM

I've achieved the absolutely perfect FWB situation. Absolutely perfect aside from the fact that I can't stand him.

Ok so I'm 23/female. I broke up with my boyfriend of about three years at the end of January, no residual feelings or interest there. The last probably 6 months were lame and we didn't have sex. It got to the point where I thought I didn't even LIKE sex anymore (sad, huh?). Since then I've been pretty happy, very busy and I dated around for awhile.

Nothing worked out and I got really tired of dating and realized I wasn't interested at all except I discovered, now that I was allowed to have sex with people I was actually attracted to, that I LOVE sex and feel way more comfortable with it than I ever have. I realized that I was wasting a lot of time and energy dating when all I really wanted was just the sex. I stopped dating and became generally happier and way more productive, however I quickly became very sexually frustrated.

Enter my friend Tom who is in the exact same situation. We've been acquaintances/sort of friends for years and I've always liked him as a person. He's also pretty attractive and has an amazing body. He brought up the idea of becoming FWB and I at first was really, really not into it. I really didn't want to start hooking up with anyone I already knew. Of course one night it happened anyway and we discovered that the sex is incredible. Really incredible. Like this is the most mind-blowingly good sex I've ever had and I don't even know what I was doing or thinking before.

For about two weeks I thought this was the greatest situation ever. However, after spending more time with Tom, I began to realize that I am very, very not attracted to him intellectually. He's not dumb at all, however he is not as educated as me and we are interested in very different things. I also often get frustrated with his perspective on things and honestly I find myself becoming mentally pretentious and looking down on him often, as much as I hate it.

Although, we've made it extremely clear that we are NOT dating and not interested in dating, he has told me that if he wasn't at this point in his life he would totally date me. I would NEVER date him. This doesn't concern me that much because if this situation ever ended bad for any reason I wouldn't miss him so much as a friend, however I don't want the situation to end any time soon. Also because of this discrepancy sometimes I even find myself really resenting him and not wanting to be around him when he's at my house, especially when I know he's really having a great time hanging out and I am not. I often find myself thinking about ending the thing just because I'm starting to get so sick of hanging out with him. This quickly goes away after sex.

I know it seems very shallow, however since entering this situation my life is way less complicated, I feel way more productive and, most importantly, I feel like I'm learning a lot about my sexuality which I think is an important thing to do at my age. I also go out to the bars way less and feel just generally calmer all around. I don't feel like I'm being TOO selfish because we're both enjoying ourselves and are very clear and communicate very well about where we stand, the only thing is he doesn't know I can't stand talking to him.
I don't feel like he's secretly trying parlay this into a relationship or actual "dating" situation or anything.

Bottom line: Aside from the fact that I don't enjoy his company, I like how this is impacting my life in the general sense.

So.. any advice? Have you ever been in a situation like this?
Find some way to tell him not to talk so much?
Just cut it off?

posted by ad4pt to Human Relations (30 answers total)

However, after spending more time with Tom, I began to realize that I am very, very not attracted to him intellectually.

Sounds like you might want to cut the relationship down to just the 'benefits' part. The ol' in-and-out, if you catch my meaning. The sex is awesome, you tell him, and you can just barely fit it in to your busy schedule—have a great night! See you next time!
posted by carsonb at 10:11 PM on June 4, 2012

Less friend, more benefit?
posted by Occula at 10:14 PM on June 4, 2012 [14 favorites]

I have to wonder...what's changed? You've been sort of friends for a while, so why has this changed?

It sounds like you're evaluating this as a dating scenario rather than a FWB scenario. Having sex with someone then listening to them drone on about their stupid hobbies is what dating is about. FWB is about having sex with someone, and then feeling free to say, "well, see you tomorrow!"

I think both of you need to see this for what it is, and be very clear.

When he said to you that he could see himself dating you, did you say that you didn't feel the same? If you didn't, you're not communicating well.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 10:14 PM on June 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

You just want sex. Just the sex. All you have to do is to be very clear about that. And, yes, you're far too busy for anything else.
posted by mleigh at 10:15 PM on June 4, 2012

I think you're seeing him too often, and therefore thinking about him too much. Also you are in overdrive trying to distance yourself from him emotionally, hence all the nitpicky observations that have been bugging you.

See him less, you'll look forward to it more.
posted by hermitosis at 10:16 PM on June 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I suppose I should clarify that we don't really "hang out". Hanging out is like the time right before and directly after sex. Also often when we meet up, one or both of us has been drinking and can't leave immediately. We'll often meet up at the last bar of the night and walk home together. Our houses are too far apart for the other to walk home at night. Because we were friends first, I think he thinks it's OK to have more pillow talk then would ordinarily be acceptable.

Also, he wasn't annoying to me before we started having sex. I'm not quite sure what's changed. I think it might be annoying now because I realize that he's more attracted to me than I had originally thought. Also, I was never previously attracted to him before this. Even though he's very physically attractive, I've always known that he's not my "type" as far as seriously dating goes.
posted by ad4pt at 10:24 PM on June 4, 2012

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or at least less apt to snap at someone post-coital for their dumb opinions. Take a week or two off and see how you feel after.

Also, I'm guessing he doesn't know how little you think of him outside of his great body. You really, really seem to think he sucks. Maybe just end it altogether.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:28 PM on June 4, 2012

So I kind of think that if I were regularly having theoretically-meaningless sex with someone and found out that they really couldn't stand me apart from the fucking, I'd get out of the arrangement in a hurry. It'd be like finding out that someone is only hanging out around you because you get good drugs, or have a sweet video game system, or whatever, but really they hate your guts.
posted by brennen at 10:47 PM on June 4, 2012 [6 favorites]

Yeah, I think maybe this is not the ideal FWB situation because you seem to be developing a good case of contempt for him, which makes for an uncomfortable "F" in the FWB equation. Hell, I'd imagine that contempt will eventually make the benefits less enjoyable, too. Harder to stay sex positive when you're sleeping with someone you don't respect; indeed, such a situation could easily slip into something that leaves you feeling crappier about yourself.

I can't really think of a solution, because telling him you don't enjoy his company or that he shouldn't talk so much (a possibility you suggested in your question) seems to border on the sort of unkindness that properly doesn't happen between friends. In short, I think the fact that you're posting on Askme about this should be a big red flag indicating that you should proceed very cautiously here, and consider looking for a new arrangement with someone else.
posted by artemisia at 10:49 PM on June 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Sounds like you pretty much have your mind made up already. You like the sex, you not really interested in dating. Thats the entire friends-with-benefits idea.

Put the amount you enjoy the sex in one hand, and the amount you get annoyed in the other, and as long as the balance is good I dont think you really need to question it.

The one thing I would worry about is this:
he has told me that if he wasn't at this point in his life he would totally date me.

Let me kindly translate that. On the one hand he wants to maintain the sex, so doesnt want to scare you away because it is explicitly FWB, but he is kind of into you and if you gave him any indication of it getting more serious he is going to dive for it. Be careful, these things can get awkward fast.
posted by KeSetAffinityThread at 10:51 PM on June 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

If he is really your friend, you will stop fucking him.
posted by at the crossroads at 10:54 PM on June 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

Best answer: It sounds like you're evaluating this as a dating scenario rather than a FWB scenario.

This was my first thought. I actually had something fairly similar happen - I was having fun sex with a guy where it was very clear for a variety of reasons that we were not going to be in a relationship. I started getting really irritated at little things he did and almost broke things off. Then I had an experience that slapped me upside the head and made me remember "oh right, I'm not evaluating this guy as a Potential Life Partner - he's the dude I have fun sex with."*

After that, I was able to mellow out on the irritating things and just take them as quirks of his, and we were able to resume our schedule of fun sex.

However, like some of the other people, I'm worried that he's interested in more than the FWB situation, so if you keep doing this, you need to make it really clear (in a kind but clear way) that you are not.

Another thing to remember is that FWB arrangements don't typically last for very long. It might just be that this one has run its natural course.

* That experience was shitty sex with someone else. I don't really recommend that, though.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 11:03 PM on June 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

I think most FWB situations break down because one wants more. He sounds like he definitely wants more and may be hanging out more to try to transition it into boyfriend-girlfriend territory. Any way you can dial it back to AWB (acquaintances with benefits)?
posted by sfkiddo at 11:08 PM on June 4, 2012

Best answer: Ya know, sometimes the sex can be better with people you really don't want romantically.

Happens to me when I'm single and playing around. I figure it's because I don't want to be in a relationship with them, I am able to let go, not care, and take as much as I want from every sexual encounter without giving a flying fuck if he 'was into me' or if he'd call or whatever. I think you are allowing yourself to be selfish in these encounters. That kind of love-em-and-leave-em sex can be pretty darn satisfying! And pretty attractive in a partner which may be why he is keener for something more than you are.

If he starts pushing for more of a relationship or you find yourself feeling less than kindly toward him, you'll have to break it off. Otherwise, enjoy!
posted by Kerasia at 11:30 PM on June 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

What the other folks said. Would he be as annoying if he were a tennis partner or something? He's not your partner. He's a casual friend with whom you can have casual, awesome sex. Be careful not to lead him on into thinking you're looking at him as dating material and otherwise, just make sure you have a lot of other stuff in your life going on so that YOU don't start evaluating him as dating material.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:32 PM on June 4, 2012

Sounds like he's an extrovert and you're not compatible but he knows how to give you what you need in bed. Don't be weak, drop him. Find someone else who can give you what you want and be at the same wavelength you're at... If you're so worried about what's coming out of the mans mouth then you're obviously looking for a relationship or you're hanging out with this dude too much... you'll get there... Good luck :)
posted by Bacillus at 1:29 AM on June 5, 2012

I'm struck by the "way more productive" in your post. You say it twice, and I can tell you really value the independence and freedom of not focusing on capital-D dating right now (just as I did when I was 23).

Valuing sex over dating is seen as the natural default for guys -- especially during one's 20s -- and not seen as the natural default for girls. I'd say just make sure you don't let that stupid double standard color how you're thinking about this.

It sounds like this setup could keep being great for you IF you can be very clear with him about what you are, and are not, feeling and wanting. How about total directness? If he can't happily hear you say, "We have incredible sex, and I really just want you for the sex," then yes, there could be issues re. imbalance of feelings that you have to address. But what if he can?
posted by kalapierson at 2:05 AM on June 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is some of the awesomeness that he knows what to do without your asking him? Well, guess what! He doesn't know that he should talk less and you have to instruct him. Tell him, not from the stand point of the content of his chatter, but from the stand point of what turns you on. Tell him that part of your fantasy is silence. This way he won't feel criticized.
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:09 AM on June 5, 2012

I'm curious as to why people are characterizing this as a FWB situation, when, clearly, it's nothing more or less than a fuck buddy situation. FWB implies that, you know, you're friends first. Clearly, this is no longer the case.

Perhaps making that distinction clear, both to yourself and to your fuck buddy, might lessen the confusion/potential misunderstanding/feelings of resentment and/or guilt.

In other words, what everybody else has more or less said, but with definition.
posted by war wrath of wraith at 5:27 AM on June 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Check your memail.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:01 AM on June 5, 2012

I think it's easy when you start having AWESOME sex after years of not-awesome sex with one person to believe that the AWESOME sex is peculiar to the first new person you fuck.

It's not. There are lots of people out there you could be having AWESOME sex with. Finding someone you connect with is hard; finding someone who flips your switches and pings your buttons is actually way easier than you might think, once you know what your switches and buttons ARE.
posted by endless_forms at 6:27 AM on June 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

Go find someone new to have hot sex with.

You were friends before, and now you don't want to be friends. If a fuck buddy is what you want, go get one, but nothing good will come from trying to downgrade your friend from friends with benefits to fuck buddies or a booty call. It's not fair to either of you to continue this when in this context you actively dislike him.

Really, lots of people are good in bed. It won't be hard to find another one.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:35 AM on June 5, 2012

I'm curious as to why people are characterizing this as a FWB situation, when, clearly, it's nothing more or less than a fuck buddy situation. FWB implies that, you know, you're friends first. Clearly, this is no longer the case.

Yeah, this is where I'm at. And if that makes you uncomfortable, that's fine, but you don't HAVE to be friends or even like this person, especially since you weren't really friends in the first place. If you don't like hanging out with him, stop hanging out with him. You can set whatever boundaries you want and perhaps he will, perhaps he won't oblige - perhaps you fear that becasue he's professed that he "would" date you in other circumstances (although who knows how true it is) that he would not be okay with making the relationship totally about the boot-knocking part. Some people aren't. But I think it's a risk you should consider taking and I think the way that you deliver that message will be far more important to the outcome than what you are actualy saying - meaning "I'm very busy, and I want you RIGHT NOW"-ish as opposed to "I really dislike spending time with you outside of the bedroom."
posted by sm1tten at 6:50 AM on June 5, 2012

Although, we've made it extremely clear that we are NOT dating and not interested in dating, he has told me that if he wasn't at this point in his life he would totally date me. I would NEVER date him. This doesn't concern me that much because if this situation ever ended bad for any reason I wouldn't miss him so much as a friend

Yeah, this isn't cool. He's becoming interested in you romantically, you don't like him at all, and you're either ignoring his feelings or pretending not to notice them because you don't want the sex to stop. That's not an awesome way to treat someone, even someone you dislike. For examples of how this is going to end see every other FWB AskMe ever.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:25 AM on June 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Best answer: From the moment human males and females first practice coitus, a clock begins ticking. Sex is both fun (for the brain) and very risky (for the body). Thus, the risk-reward clock. I suppose now that you are more comfortable with sex, we can be quite blunt. When you think about the activity itself – he is literally inserting a piece of his body into yours – you are at risk of all kinds of things, from diseases to pregnancy to violence, abuse, manipulation.

Each time you have sex with him, and you have a wonderful time, your body is becoming more anchored and attached to him. Perhaps it can be said that your mind is chemically altering, de-risking the situation with each thrust of his penis by becoming more emotionally attached to him.

The issue that you cannot stand him may well be your mind's way of telling you that you are exposing yourself to grave danger, in terms of procreating with someone who will not care for the offspring. Whilst I realise you are just enjoying the carnival for the moment, the mind is always operating in terms of maximum reproductive advantage.

So that you can not stand this fellow now, but the sex is wonderful, is just your brain's way of letting you know the clock is ticking down. As you have no intention of forming a pair-bond and having a baby with him, your biology is growing bored with him – and so are you.

Enjoy it while it lasts. When it ends, exit with grace.
posted by nickrussell at 7:38 AM on June 5, 2012 [7 favorites]

Contempt is what makes fwb work -- otherwise you'd want to date them and there would be conflict.
posted by modernserf at 8:42 AM on June 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Fuckbuddies" and "friends with benefits" are not the same. Sounds like this guy is a good candidate for the former and not the latter. More booty calls, less hanging out, maybe?
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:34 AM on June 5, 2012

could you give yourself an "out" while setting up the date? "I'd love for you to come over but I've got a long day tomorrow and I'm going to need to sleep by myself to be really rested, are you ok with that?" Then as soon as he starts talking, you've laid the groundwork for hastily kicking him out.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:06 AM on June 5, 2012

Best answer: I think you should be looking at this situation as an opportunity.

You find him kind of annoying. Don't try to fight that, or minimize your exposure to it -- steer into the skid. Embrace it. Purposefully bring up topics of conversation where you know what he has to say will piss you off -- particularly ones where you know he feels strongly enough to go off for a bit, so you can stare at him, trying not to hear the obnoxious words coming out of his mouth, purposefully building your frustration and impatience to get on with the sexy sex.

Then hate-f*** the sh** out of him.

A good hate-f*** is, in my mind, something that everyone, guy or girl, should experience at least once in their lives. It's amazing how stimulating the cognitive dissonance can be.
posted by patnasty at 12:39 PM on June 5, 2012

Drink less? And only see him at his place so you can leave when you want.
posted by at at 6:00 PM on June 5, 2012