Losing weight and not my mind
August 11, 2020 11:20 PM Subscribe
I’m losing weight, but I’m also going crazy. I’m stressed out, irritable and can’t think about anything else. How do anxious people diet without going off the deep end?
I’m a 30-year-old cis woman, was at what I feel is my “ideal” weight of 135 lb. for most of my 20s, then I started taking SSRIs a couple years ago, then quarantine happened and I stopped going to the gym...so I ended up at 155 this year which is bordering on overweight. By increasing my exercise and reducing portions & fattening foods for two months I’ve got down to 145.
I should be happy about this, but I feel that focusing on dieting has made me weird and obsessive, and my anxiety levels shoot through the roof. I’m thinking about calories and measurements all the time. I’m in a sour mood when I weigh myself in the morning and have gained half a pound. I get cranky when something comes up and I have to skip a workout, or when my partner wants to order takeout. I check my stupid weight loss app multiple times a day. I’m way more critical of my body than when I was 10 lb heavier and less fit. I don’t want to be this person!
I also find myself frequently getting angry and impatient that I’m not losing faster, even though rationally I feel like 5 lb. month is a pretty healthy and sustainable way to go.
For the record I don’t have a history of eating disorders, but I have struggled with depression & anxiety for years. And I only want to lose 10 more lbs which would put me right in the middle of the healthy BMI range. I just feel like the act of dieting triggers some kind of crazybrain for me and occupies way too much headspace. How can I soothe the anxiety & obsessive thoughts while I lose the rest of this weight?
I’m a 30-year-old cis woman, was at what I feel is my “ideal” weight of 135 lb. for most of my 20s, then I started taking SSRIs a couple years ago, then quarantine happened and I stopped going to the gym...so I ended up at 155 this year which is bordering on overweight. By increasing my exercise and reducing portions & fattening foods for two months I’ve got down to 145.
I should be happy about this, but I feel that focusing on dieting has made me weird and obsessive, and my anxiety levels shoot through the roof. I’m thinking about calories and measurements all the time. I’m in a sour mood when I weigh myself in the morning and have gained half a pound. I get cranky when something comes up and I have to skip a workout, or when my partner wants to order takeout. I check my stupid weight loss app multiple times a day. I’m way more critical of my body than when I was 10 lb heavier and less fit. I don’t want to be this person!
I also find myself frequently getting angry and impatient that I’m not losing faster, even though rationally I feel like 5 lb. month is a pretty healthy and sustainable way to go.
For the record I don’t have a history of eating disorders, but I have struggled with depression & anxiety for years. And I only want to lose 10 more lbs which would put me right in the middle of the healthy BMI range. I just feel like the act of dieting triggers some kind of crazybrain for me and occupies way too much headspace. How can I soothe the anxiety & obsessive thoughts while I lose the rest of this weight?
The only way I could even remotely manage my weight healthily after medication changes was a 5lbs change then maintain for a few months then another 5lbs change.
Maintaining your weight to get things back on track and your brain happy is a perfectly okay thing to do. Then when you feel emotionally ready to do so, start again.
No matter what, your diet should come to an end into a stage where you maintain your weight, so it's okay to practice that now.
Also, no diet is worth stress and anxiety and losing other parts of your life. None. it's okay to be the wieght you are and just do things. It's really easy to use diets as a way to build control into ones life, and it can easily be used as a coping skill that maybe helps in some ways but can be sooo damaging in others. This is hurting you right now.
Take gentle care of you, and you may want to bring this up with any therapeutic providers you might have.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:12 AM on August 12, 2020 [10 favorites]
Maintaining your weight to get things back on track and your brain happy is a perfectly okay thing to do. Then when you feel emotionally ready to do so, start again.
No matter what, your diet should come to an end into a stage where you maintain your weight, so it's okay to practice that now.
Also, no diet is worth stress and anxiety and losing other parts of your life. None. it's okay to be the wieght you are and just do things. It's really easy to use diets as a way to build control into ones life, and it can easily be used as a coping skill that maybe helps in some ways but can be sooo damaging in others. This is hurting you right now.
Take gentle care of you, and you may want to bring this up with any therapeutic providers you might have.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:12 AM on August 12, 2020 [10 favorites]
Before I turned 30, I only had to eat more carefully and healthfully to start dropping pounds. It was pretty easy. Around 30, I first noticed that it was just not as easy any more. It was like my metabolism decided to slow down pretty abruptly. So I feel you.
Any diet in the usual sense is an act of self-deprivation. If I don't see an immediate reward, it's really tough. I think what you might be experiencing is a feeling of loss of control, and a desire to regain that control. To deprive yourself and see small results, or to see your goal temporarily thwarted by circumstances (partner ordering takeout, no time to go to the gym) is disheartening.
So dieting in the usual sense is very hard emotionally, especially if there is little reward (like when we are close to our target and so the weight loss is slower because the difference between our caloric intake and the caloric intake that would maintain the target weight is smaller).
Could you take a break and talk to someone? Could you sit with your emotions for a bit and ask yourself whether you could accept yourself at that slightly larger weight?
I also recommend this book by Dr Yoni Freedhoff. It talks a lot about the emotionally damaging aspects of dieting and how to change your mindset while trying to manage your weight. A few tips from that book have been truly helpful.
So, for example, his advice is to give yourself permission to eat delicious, "sinful" food while asking the question: "Is it worth the calories" (sometimes the answer will be "YES!" and sometimes "actually, when I think about it, not really", also, sometimes it's worth it to eat a quality homemade version that truly satisfies you instead of a crappy store bought version that has three times the calories and none of the taste)- this one was huge for me. And the next question: what is the smallest amount I need to be happy (also huge! I often enjoy that first slice of pizza and eat the rest out of inertia, really).
Another question he recommends to ask ourselves: What is the healthiest diet you can honestly enjoy? What is the amount of exercise you can honestly enjoy?
There is a lot of other stuff in this book and it's specifically about not depriving yourself and not relying on willpower but rather on forethought and a bit of planning.
posted by M. at 2:51 AM on August 12, 2020 [5 favorites]
Any diet in the usual sense is an act of self-deprivation. If I don't see an immediate reward, it's really tough. I think what you might be experiencing is a feeling of loss of control, and a desire to regain that control. To deprive yourself and see small results, or to see your goal temporarily thwarted by circumstances (partner ordering takeout, no time to go to the gym) is disheartening.
So dieting in the usual sense is very hard emotionally, especially if there is little reward (like when we are close to our target and so the weight loss is slower because the difference between our caloric intake and the caloric intake that would maintain the target weight is smaller).
Could you take a break and talk to someone? Could you sit with your emotions for a bit and ask yourself whether you could accept yourself at that slightly larger weight?
I also recommend this book by Dr Yoni Freedhoff. It talks a lot about the emotionally damaging aspects of dieting and how to change your mindset while trying to manage your weight. A few tips from that book have been truly helpful.
So, for example, his advice is to give yourself permission to eat delicious, "sinful" food while asking the question: "Is it worth the calories" (sometimes the answer will be "YES!" and sometimes "actually, when I think about it, not really", also, sometimes it's worth it to eat a quality homemade version that truly satisfies you instead of a crappy store bought version that has three times the calories and none of the taste)- this one was huge for me. And the next question: what is the smallest amount I need to be happy (also huge! I often enjoy that first slice of pizza and eat the rest out of inertia, really).
Another question he recommends to ask ourselves: What is the healthiest diet you can honestly enjoy? What is the amount of exercise you can honestly enjoy?
There is a lot of other stuff in this book and it's specifically about not depriving yourself and not relying on willpower but rather on forethought and a bit of planning.
posted by M. at 2:51 AM on August 12, 2020 [5 favorites]
Do you think it would be possible to drop the weigh-in and measurement part of dieting? It sounds like you have a good handle on the eating and exercise patterns that let you lose weight at the pace you want. Maybe you could try doing that without checking your progress for a month or so.
posted by Kriesa at 4:00 AM on August 12, 2020 [10 favorites]
posted by Kriesa at 4:00 AM on August 12, 2020 [10 favorites]
[CW] weight, body image
I am right there with you, right down to your age, target & "high" weights. Confinement + the meds I started taking in May have fucked my weight all the way up in a way I haven't experienced before, and it's very depressing since yeah, the "just cut bread and alcohol" technique I've used since college is apparently not working anymore. I've been aggressively dieting & working out for 6 weeks and the scale hasn't budged.
What I've had to do is let go of any expectation of "reward" via weight loss for what I'm doing. I know that less starch/booze/sugar is better for my health & mood regardless of what I weigh, ditto hard exercise. If it doesn't work to take the weight off, well, I'll still be healthier and I'll have nothing to reproach myself with when I get back on the scale and am momentarily disappointed.
Also, not sure what your yardstick is for "normal weight/overweight", but be aware that BMI is extremely very much the wrong tool for assessing this on an individual level, especially in women and people of color (to say nothing of athletes, very tall or short people, whatever). I know that I don't like the weight I'm at because it feels physically bad and my clothes don't fit right, and my goal weight is based on having felt pretty good when I was there. But the BMI range your Fitbit or your doctor might give you is essentially crap.
People with way more knowledge than me have written extensively about the methodologically wonky and extremely racist history of BMI; this recent article by the blogger Your Fat Friend is a good primer.
Focusing on how you feel in your body, in your clothes, as you move, more than on the scale (which can be impacted by lots of factors besides just the cake you are/are not eating), might help temper the shame and anxiety you feel during weigh-ins since you won't be obsessing over a single metric.
posted by peakes at 4:12 AM on August 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
I am right there with you, right down to your age, target & "high" weights. Confinement + the meds I started taking in May have fucked my weight all the way up in a way I haven't experienced before, and it's very depressing since yeah, the "just cut bread and alcohol" technique I've used since college is apparently not working anymore. I've been aggressively dieting & working out for 6 weeks and the scale hasn't budged.
What I've had to do is let go of any expectation of "reward" via weight loss for what I'm doing. I know that less starch/booze/sugar is better for my health & mood regardless of what I weigh, ditto hard exercise. If it doesn't work to take the weight off, well, I'll still be healthier and I'll have nothing to reproach myself with when I get back on the scale and am momentarily disappointed.
Also, not sure what your yardstick is for "normal weight/overweight", but be aware that BMI is extremely very much the wrong tool for assessing this on an individual level, especially in women and people of color (to say nothing of athletes, very tall or short people, whatever). I know that I don't like the weight I'm at because it feels physically bad and my clothes don't fit right, and my goal weight is based on having felt pretty good when I was there. But the BMI range your Fitbit or your doctor might give you is essentially crap.
People with way more knowledge than me have written extensively about the methodologically wonky and extremely racist history of BMI; this recent article by the blogger Your Fat Friend is a good primer.
Focusing on how you feel in your body, in your clothes, as you move, more than on the scale (which can be impacted by lots of factors besides just the cake you are/are not eating), might help temper the shame and anxiety you feel during weigh-ins since you won't be obsessing over a single metric.
posted by peakes at 4:12 AM on August 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
This may not be the kind of advice you're looking for, but something that's inadvertently worked for me (as someone who does have a history of disordered eating and consequently has to be pretty careful around stuff like tracking food intake and setting body-related goals) has been building muscle mass. I say "inadvertently" because I went into this process aiming to improve strength and flexibility and wasn't trying or expecting to lose weight.
It flies in the face of traditional diet-and-exercise advice, because I'd strongly internalised the idea that it's almost impossible to lose weight by changing one's level of physical activity alone (to the point that when I lost ~10% of my body weight over the course of a year from lifting and exercising more regularly, I freaked out and assumed I must have cancer or something because I'd heard so many times that what was happening to me was against the laws of diet and exercise). I'm not talking huge weights or powerlifting, either - since 2016 I've worked up from using a pair of 4kg dumbbells to a pair of 8kg ones now, primarily focusing on arm-based exercises 2-3 times a week, nothing outlandish in terms of sets or reps.
Muscle, it turns out, is hungry. I haven't consciously changed my eating patterns or spent any real time fixating on what I eat, which is hugely important for me as focusing consciously on those things is a one-way ticket to a very bad headspace. Intuitive eating and the idea that I can have whatever I want, whenever I want has been the main pillar of my ED recovery, and I made a commitment to myself a few years back that I wouldn't do things that were likely to re-trigger that experience (like tracking intake or consciously aiming to cut down on what I eat). So I can say pretty categorically that this has been a surprising but effective way of losing some weight without spending any mental energy on what I'm eating at all.
One final note: I didn't have a history of disordered eating until I did, and it was activities that would be perceived as "normal" dieting that drove me into that headspace. It took me around seven years to get back to the point where I could eat normally without any negative internal dialogue around what I was doing or why. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and some of the things you're reporting now (like feeling weird & obsessive about it and wanting it to go faster on some level while knowing on another that the pace you're at is sustainable) strike me as at least pink flags on the road towards disordered eating.
My own issues intensified when I started feeling those things and leaning into them, so whatever you can do to pull yourself out of that headspace (whether that's taking a break, as others have suggested, or changing your goals/activities to spend less time and mental energy in the cranky obsessive headspace on this stuff), I would strongly urge you to do that. We live in a society that is so thoroughly messed up around food and bodies that I don't feel it's hyperbole to suggest that anyone of any age from any demographic should be vigilant about the possibility of developing some degree of disordered eating; it's categorically not just a problem for teenage girls, and a seemingly-"normal" diet or weight loss attempt can be a very common trigger for problems that quickly get much deeper and more intractable.
posted by terretu at 4:12 AM on August 12, 2020 [20 favorites]
It flies in the face of traditional diet-and-exercise advice, because I'd strongly internalised the idea that it's almost impossible to lose weight by changing one's level of physical activity alone (to the point that when I lost ~10% of my body weight over the course of a year from lifting and exercising more regularly, I freaked out and assumed I must have cancer or something because I'd heard so many times that what was happening to me was against the laws of diet and exercise). I'm not talking huge weights or powerlifting, either - since 2016 I've worked up from using a pair of 4kg dumbbells to a pair of 8kg ones now, primarily focusing on arm-based exercises 2-3 times a week, nothing outlandish in terms of sets or reps.
Muscle, it turns out, is hungry. I haven't consciously changed my eating patterns or spent any real time fixating on what I eat, which is hugely important for me as focusing consciously on those things is a one-way ticket to a very bad headspace. Intuitive eating and the idea that I can have whatever I want, whenever I want has been the main pillar of my ED recovery, and I made a commitment to myself a few years back that I wouldn't do things that were likely to re-trigger that experience (like tracking intake or consciously aiming to cut down on what I eat). So I can say pretty categorically that this has been a surprising but effective way of losing some weight without spending any mental energy on what I'm eating at all.
One final note: I didn't have a history of disordered eating until I did, and it was activities that would be perceived as "normal" dieting that drove me into that headspace. It took me around seven years to get back to the point where I could eat normally without any negative internal dialogue around what I was doing or why. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and some of the things you're reporting now (like feeling weird & obsessive about it and wanting it to go faster on some level while knowing on another that the pace you're at is sustainable) strike me as at least pink flags on the road towards disordered eating.
My own issues intensified when I started feeling those things and leaning into them, so whatever you can do to pull yourself out of that headspace (whether that's taking a break, as others have suggested, or changing your goals/activities to spend less time and mental energy in the cranky obsessive headspace on this stuff), I would strongly urge you to do that. We live in a society that is so thoroughly messed up around food and bodies that I don't feel it's hyperbole to suggest that anyone of any age from any demographic should be vigilant about the possibility of developing some degree of disordered eating; it's categorically not just a problem for teenage girls, and a seemingly-"normal" diet or weight loss attempt can be a very common trigger for problems that quickly get much deeper and more intractable.
posted by terretu at 4:12 AM on August 12, 2020 [20 favorites]
Take it easy on yourself. Dieting is against the grain of strong psychological imperatives to eat to satiation. It's going to be hard, and very hard on someone who has never done it before and has a tendency to anxiety.
Five pounds a month is a healthy weight loss rate.
Consider weighing in every other or even every third day unless not weighing in undermines your discipline badly.
It's okay to be (somewhat) upset if you miss a workout. Workouts are important!
You don't need to go low carb, but if you are on like 75% carbs / 15% protein / 10% fat in your calories you are going to feel very hungry - shifting a few hundred calories to fat might help that a lot.
posted by MattD at 4:35 AM on August 12, 2020
Five pounds a month is a healthy weight loss rate.
Consider weighing in every other or even every third day unless not weighing in undermines your discipline badly.
It's okay to be (somewhat) upset if you miss a workout. Workouts are important!
You don't need to go low carb, but if you are on like 75% carbs / 15% protein / 10% fat in your calories you are going to feel very hungry - shifting a few hundred calories to fat might help that a lot.
posted by MattD at 4:35 AM on August 12, 2020
Can you add in a hobby or devote an extra hour a day to a hobby that you love? When I'm dieting, I too can focus too much on food, but having a hobby (something more active than watching TV and that isn't normally tied to snacking while doing it) is helpful for me to keep my mind off of food. I'm one of those people who eats out of boredom sometimes, but my favorite thing is having a small, creative project for a purpose to work on to find my "flow," like making a card for a friend's birthday, or embroidery stitching, or collage, etc.
Good luck--weight loss is hard, and keeping a healthy mindset around food and weight loss is also tough.
posted by shortyJBot at 4:55 AM on August 12, 2020
Good luck--weight loss is hard, and keeping a healthy mindset around food and weight loss is also tough.
posted by shortyJBot at 4:55 AM on August 12, 2020
It's possible that there's a dietary reason for the anxiety and mood. Make sure you're getting vitamin B12. Fiber is as good or better than probiotics for a healthy gut, which seems to influence mood. If you had been eating more sugar and reduced it, there may be some adjustment. The science on this is not reliable, but eating fiber and reducing sugar are good for you, regardless. Humans are wired to seek food, not reduce weight, try to be gentle with yourself.
Getting enough sleep is good for weight lots and mood regulation, so get your zzzzs.
posted by theora55 at 5:12 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Getting enough sleep is good for weight lots and mood regulation, so get your zzzzs.
posted by theora55 at 5:12 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
I try to think of it as a long-term project. I’m going to be maintaining this body for years — decades, hopefully — so my weight on any particular day doesn’t matter, as long as the trend is sort of OK. Similarly, any particular meal is not going to be the difference in a year’s time.
Counter-intuitively, I find weighing myself every day helpful for this mindset, because I see my weight wobble up and down in apparently random ways; so any individual reading doesn’t mean much. A week of bad readings is more concerning, but even then: it’s a long term project. Slow and steady.
posted by Bloxworth Snout at 5:24 AM on August 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
Counter-intuitively, I find weighing myself every day helpful for this mindset, because I see my weight wobble up and down in apparently random ways; so any individual reading doesn’t mean much. A week of bad readings is more concerning, but even then: it’s a long term project. Slow and steady.
posted by Bloxworth Snout at 5:24 AM on August 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
I weigh myself in the morning and have gained half a pound.
Cis male and not anxious, so grain of salt and all that, but a couple of years ago I was put under basically doctor's orders to eat better and lose weight for cholesterol and age+heart reasons and the dietician I had a consultation with very specifically said, "Weigh yourself ONCE a week. On the same day and at roughly the same time. There are too many reasons our weight can fluctuate daily or even hourly. Checking every day doesn't actually give you an accurate picture of what your body is doing." (This is very common advice here and elsewhere.)
My food tracker app lets me set up reminders, so I have one set to tell me to weigh myself once a week. Maybe you could do that, or you could set up a recurring thing on a calendar app. Either way, having an external "authority" to decide when you check your weight could help break the pattern of checking daily and letting your feelings about the reading affect your mood and anxiety.
(Also maybe worth checking other AskMe's about health/food tracker/weight loss apps? I feel like folks have definitely had varying experiences where some apps really triggered their anxiety and bad feelings about food and weight, so maybe the app you're using is not the best for you.)
posted by soundguy99 at 5:43 AM on August 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
Cis male and not anxious, so grain of salt and all that, but a couple of years ago I was put under basically doctor's orders to eat better and lose weight for cholesterol and age+heart reasons and the dietician I had a consultation with very specifically said, "Weigh yourself ONCE a week. On the same day and at roughly the same time. There are too many reasons our weight can fluctuate daily or even hourly. Checking every day doesn't actually give you an accurate picture of what your body is doing." (This is very common advice here and elsewhere.)
My food tracker app lets me set up reminders, so I have one set to tell me to weigh myself once a week. Maybe you could do that, or you could set up a recurring thing on a calendar app. Either way, having an external "authority" to decide when you check your weight could help break the pattern of checking daily and letting your feelings about the reading affect your mood and anxiety.
(Also maybe worth checking other AskMe's about health/food tracker/weight loss apps? I feel like folks have definitely had varying experiences where some apps really triggered their anxiety and bad feelings about food and weight, so maybe the app you're using is not the best for you.)
posted by soundguy99 at 5:43 AM on August 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
There's no reason to doubt that what you're doing will reduce your body fat, so the only reason to do weigh-ins is if it's satisfying to you to collect that data. I think we can agree that daily weight checks are not satisfying you right now. That's okay! Some people love that fine-grain assessment, but (1) they tend to be people who don't experience cyclic hormone changes and (2) that doesn't mean you have to! I'd actually suggest getting rid of your scale or at least putting it somewhere inconvenient. The way to not fixated on little bumps like missed workouts or irritated about the temptation of a less-optimal meal is to not fixate on the alleged results. You're in this for the long game. Any given day doesn't actually matter that much: it's how the days accumulate, and what your overall habits are like. Gentle course corrections are much more effective and sustainable and healthy than berating yourself with "bad" numbers and, honestly, the body is a mysterious thing. Sometimes there'll be a day where you break all the rules and are "rewarded" the next morning with a lower number. Because of that sort of thing, but also because it's easy to let days slip by with unnoticed drift toward the comfiest options, I do think it's worth tracking dietary habits if possible. Those relate to behaviors you can actually control, versus your weight which you can only influence. However, it sounds like maybe you might need a more minimalistic app for that if there's actually something worth "checking" in yours. It should only be helping you stay on track for calories/macros and/or chart your workouts, not pushing some hour-by-hour feed of your progress or whatever. Ideally it'd be informative but not all that interesting.
posted by teremala at 6:23 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by teremala at 6:23 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
I, personally, decided that the stress, anxiety, and obsession were worse for me than the weight. So I stopped dieting after losing over 30 pounds of the 50 I was 'supposed' to lose to no longer have an overweight BMI. I had to restrict calories to less than 1200 per day (as a moderately active person!) to lose even an ounce per week and it made me so unhappy and so unpleasant to be around. I regained 20 of those lost pounds within 6 months -on a normal, healthy diet, I might add, no binging, very little junk food - basically a banana for breakfast, two average-sized meals for lunch and dinner, rare snacks, rare meals out, rare alcohol- and that showed me how unsustainable weight loss through diet would always be. I'll never diet again.
Just putting that out there as an option. It is possible that accepting that you are now a size that is 'bordering on overweight', and changing how you frame that to yourself is a more healthy option than the self-imposed stress and anxiety that you're putting yourself through now.
posted by cilantro at 6:30 AM on August 12, 2020 [13 favorites]
Just putting that out there as an option. It is possible that accepting that you are now a size that is 'bordering on overweight', and changing how you frame that to yourself is a more healthy option than the self-imposed stress and anxiety that you're putting yourself through now.
posted by cilantro at 6:30 AM on August 12, 2020 [13 favorites]
"Weigh yourself ONCE a week. On the same day and at roughly the same time. There are too many reasons our weight can fluctuate daily or even hourly. Checking every day doesn't actually give you an accurate picture of what your body is doing."
I agree with the principle but completely disagree with the method. I weigh myself every morning but pay attention not to the daily fluctuations but the overall trend or rolling average (some apps will calculate this for you). If the day of the week you happen to step on the scale is the same day that, say, you happen to get period bloat, it's going to look like you gained five pounds and it's going to feel even MORE devastating than if you had more data points and can see that it's related to your period or otherwise just a minor blip.
I'm female and deal with the issues you describe in the question, and this helps me.
But more broadly, you also might consider how important the 10 pounds is to you. I'm in the exact same boat and decided that, given how little I'm going out of the house, it's not the most important thing right now and not worth the constant hunger and obsession.
posted by unannihilated at 6:33 AM on August 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
I agree with the principle but completely disagree with the method. I weigh myself every morning but pay attention not to the daily fluctuations but the overall trend or rolling average (some apps will calculate this for you). If the day of the week you happen to step on the scale is the same day that, say, you happen to get period bloat, it's going to look like you gained five pounds and it's going to feel even MORE devastating than if you had more data points and can see that it's related to your period or otherwise just a minor blip.
I'm female and deal with the issues you describe in the question, and this helps me.
But more broadly, you also might consider how important the 10 pounds is to you. I'm in the exact same boat and decided that, given how little I'm going out of the house, it's not the most important thing right now and not worth the constant hunger and obsession.
posted by unannihilated at 6:33 AM on August 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Also! The act of restricting food triggers crazybrain for everyone. Look up the Minnesota Starvation Study.
posted by unannihilated at 6:40 AM on August 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by unannihilated at 6:40 AM on August 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
One thing that sometimes helps with the starvation anxiety and deprivation misery is to buy as much treat food as you can and screw the budget. If all you get to eat for lunch are rice cakes and fish, making the fish caviar or smoked salmon rather than grocery store brand canned tuna can have a positive psychological effect.
Similarly, instead of a banana, indulging in hopelessly expensive fruit out of season can help keep you from feeling emotionally deprived.
Another thing you can do is a displacement activity; Whenever you start craving food, any food, want to eat now, have a displacement activity to do instead of eating which distracts you and makes you feel really good and happy. You want to have something to do instead of just trying to sit there thinking about food but not getting up and eating.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:34 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Similarly, instead of a banana, indulging in hopelessly expensive fruit out of season can help keep you from feeling emotionally deprived.
Another thing you can do is a displacement activity; Whenever you start craving food, any food, want to eat now, have a displacement activity to do instead of eating which distracts you and makes you feel really good and happy. You want to have something to do instead of just trying to sit there thinking about food but not getting up and eating.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:34 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Have you tried a more "qualitative" approach rather than focusing more quantitatively on the numbers? As in forget calories, forget weighing yourself, and instead modify your behaviors in a way that you lose weight without focusing on it. Something like sweets only on weekends, no sugary or alcoholic drinks, taking up a physical but non-exercise hobby like tennis, etc. It will take a lot of experimenting to find something that works and will probably be slower but might be more sustainable for you. Like the reverse of how you didn't intentionally try to gain the weight, it was a side effect of the SSRI and no gym.
posted by ToddBurson at 8:03 AM on August 12, 2020
posted by ToddBurson at 8:03 AM on August 12, 2020
It sounds like this has perhaps become an obsession. Here is info from Psychology Today:
1. Distract yourself at varying intervals. Find something attractive and pleasurable to distract you from your obsession, to provide you a break from thinking about it. This will help remind you on an emotional level that other things in life are still important. Read a gripping novel, watch an entertaining movie. Do something that takes you out of your own head.
2. Accomplish a task that helps put your obsession behind you. Sometimes an obsession holds us in its power and refuses to let us go because we simply haven't finished with it. Tell yourself that once you've reached the next milestone, you're going to take a break. Often taking a solid step forward in some way frees you to walk away from an obsession temporarily to recharge your batteries.
3. Focus on your greater mission. If you're able to care about a mission that in some way brings joy to or removes suffering from others, you'll find yourself more firmly anchored, upright, and balanced when an obsession threatens to carry you away.
4. Adopt a practice that grounds you. Meditate. Dance. Do something physical in different surroundings to engage a different part of your mind that's interested in other things besides your obsession.
We shouldn’t seek to extinguish obsession; we should seek to control it. Our ability to bend our emotions to our will is poor, but not our ability to manage them. We can make our obsessions work for us rather than work us over. And we can learn to let them go.
posted by SageTrail at 8:23 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
1. Distract yourself at varying intervals. Find something attractive and pleasurable to distract you from your obsession, to provide you a break from thinking about it. This will help remind you on an emotional level that other things in life are still important. Read a gripping novel, watch an entertaining movie. Do something that takes you out of your own head.
2. Accomplish a task that helps put your obsession behind you. Sometimes an obsession holds us in its power and refuses to let us go because we simply haven't finished with it. Tell yourself that once you've reached the next milestone, you're going to take a break. Often taking a solid step forward in some way frees you to walk away from an obsession temporarily to recharge your batteries.
3. Focus on your greater mission. If you're able to care about a mission that in some way brings joy to or removes suffering from others, you'll find yourself more firmly anchored, upright, and balanced when an obsession threatens to carry you away.
4. Adopt a practice that grounds you. Meditate. Dance. Do something physical in different surroundings to engage a different part of your mind that's interested in other things besides your obsession.
We shouldn’t seek to extinguish obsession; we should seek to control it. Our ability to bend our emotions to our will is poor, but not our ability to manage them. We can make our obsessions work for us rather than work us over. And we can learn to let them go.
posted by SageTrail at 8:23 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
For me, counting calories is a sure bet towards anxiety. And the repeated app checking that goes with it reinforces that. For me, it's easier to set a few larger rules to follow that don't require as much tracking and calculation.
For me, that is a lower carb diet (with all vegetables and legumes, so not keto or atkins) 5-6 days a week, not drinking 4-5 nights a week, and eating in a shorter, intermittent fasting style window of 2pm-8pm 5 days a week. Coupled with exercise, this results in slow weight loss for me, and is a set of relatively simple rules that don't require regular tracking. Since I'm not trying to count calories or grams of carbs, it keeps an app from being a thing to look at every hour to either record what I've eaten or plan what I'm going to eat.
On the exercise front, can you add in a few things that you can do no matter what, to check the box? One thing that snaps me out of black and white thinking about exercise is to add in stuff, like a set of 15 reverse lunges, wall push ups, and a few other body weight exercises as I go through my days. So there are no "100% bad days" where I didn't get exercise, there are just different amounts on a sliding scale.
Good luck!
posted by mercredi at 8:41 AM on August 12, 2020
For me, that is a lower carb diet (with all vegetables and legumes, so not keto or atkins) 5-6 days a week, not drinking 4-5 nights a week, and eating in a shorter, intermittent fasting style window of 2pm-8pm 5 days a week. Coupled with exercise, this results in slow weight loss for me, and is a set of relatively simple rules that don't require regular tracking. Since I'm not trying to count calories or grams of carbs, it keeps an app from being a thing to look at every hour to either record what I've eaten or plan what I'm going to eat.
On the exercise front, can you add in a few things that you can do no matter what, to check the box? One thing that snaps me out of black and white thinking about exercise is to add in stuff, like a set of 15 reverse lunges, wall push ups, and a few other body weight exercises as I go through my days. So there are no "100% bad days" where I didn't get exercise, there are just different amounts on a sliding scale.
Good luck!
posted by mercredi at 8:41 AM on August 12, 2020
What works for me:
Weigh myself once every two weeks. It's hard at first, but much less discouraging.
Don't think about calories. Don't measure.
Don't let the scale be the judge. Decide on behaviors that will help me, and take inventory of my successes every day. Some of my guidelines: small portions, eat a small amount every couple of hours, do some physical activity, drink water, eat vegetables/fruit, avoid sweets, only the carbs that I need.
Positive reinforcement: When checking in with myself daily, do self-praise for each good behavior. This might sound hokey, but it's way better than berating myself for eating ice cream.
In a little while. "I don't have to eat a lot right now...I can have more in a couple of hours." "I feel like having a whole baguette, but in a little while that will pass." "I did eat half a baguette, but pretty soon I'll have my next meal and can get back on track."
posted by wryly at 9:12 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Weigh myself once every two weeks. It's hard at first, but much less discouraging.
Don't think about calories. Don't measure.
Don't let the scale be the judge. Decide on behaviors that will help me, and take inventory of my successes every day. Some of my guidelines: small portions, eat a small amount every couple of hours, do some physical activity, drink water, eat vegetables/fruit, avoid sweets, only the carbs that I need.
Positive reinforcement: When checking in with myself daily, do self-praise for each good behavior. This might sound hokey, but it's way better than berating myself for eating ice cream.
In a little while. "I don't have to eat a lot right now...I can have more in a couple of hours." "I feel like having a whole baguette, but in a little while that will pass." "I did eat half a baguette, but pretty soon I'll have my next meal and can get back on track."
posted by wryly at 9:12 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
I've recently come across intuitive eating by accident and even though I've never been a chronic dieter, I've been amazed at the sheer extent to which, as a cis woman, I've internalised all kinds of nonsense about eating, food, and bodies. I'm going through the workbook and it's really helping me gain insight. I tried a "proper diet" for the first time a couple of years ago because I also wanted to be in the middle of the BMI range and not closer to the upper end. Since then, I've also noticed a creeping rise in the thinking/attitudes towards exercise/food you describe. More negativity about my body, feeling guilty about having "treats", more tracking of what I eat to unnecessary detail, etc. I'm not even sure why I even decided I needed to shift my weight - my body *likes* my weight and always finds a way to stabilise to that and I'm able to be healthy, strong, and fit within this body.
I'm on a path to let go of all this shit (again), including the ones that I've just come to notice, because life is short and, you know what? it's fabulous to look in the mirror, celebrating my wonderful aspects just as I do for other people. I would never look at someone and think, "if only they had less cellulite" so why on earth am I doing this to myself? YMMV but it's a relief to give yourself permission to be your embodied self and to enjoy life, the food you eat, and trust yourself to do what's right for your body, which can totally include being mindful about your eating in a way that promotes health.
posted by mkdirusername at 9:54 AM on August 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
I'm on a path to let go of all this shit (again), including the ones that I've just come to notice, because life is short and, you know what? it's fabulous to look in the mirror, celebrating my wonderful aspects just as I do for other people. I would never look at someone and think, "if only they had less cellulite" so why on earth am I doing this to myself? YMMV but it's a relief to give yourself permission to be your embodied self and to enjoy life, the food you eat, and trust yourself to do what's right for your body, which can totally include being mindful about your eating in a way that promotes health.
posted by mkdirusername at 9:54 AM on August 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
I kind of have a history of young disordered eating and really made peace with food in my late 20s. Since then, I can lose a few pounds if I feel my clothes getting tight without becoming anxious or obsessive. I do this more with mindfulness and intuitive eating, as well as upping my intake of veggies and healthy grains. I do not really weigh myself on a regular basis or use a calorie counter. I also don't set goals for exercising every day, but I love exercise and want to do it every day! I don't track it or beat myself up if I don't do it.
You are already on the right track with portion control and exercise. In your situation, I'd stop weighing myself and tracking exercise / calories, and try to figure out a goal that is not weight or calorie related. For example, you could do a vegetable subscription / box and make your goal to eat everything in the box during the week. If this makes you worry about getting off track, just try it for two weeks and see how you feel at the end.
For me the key to maintaining a slim weight without obsession was really enjoying and appreciating food and movement MORE - it sounds like a paradox, but it really worked for me!
posted by beyond_pink at 11:01 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
You are already on the right track with portion control and exercise. In your situation, I'd stop weighing myself and tracking exercise / calories, and try to figure out a goal that is not weight or calorie related. For example, you could do a vegetable subscription / box and make your goal to eat everything in the box during the week. If this makes you worry about getting off track, just try it for two weeks and see how you feel at the end.
For me the key to maintaining a slim weight without obsession was really enjoying and appreciating food and movement MORE - it sounds like a paradox, but it really worked for me!
posted by beyond_pink at 11:01 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Of course you feel irritable when you miss a workout or your boyfriend wants to order takeout. You’re on a diet! Takeout doesn’t jibe with dieting most of the time (thoigh of course you can make healthy choices, but it doesn’t allow much control).
Try putting some slack in your workout schedule so you can “make up” for a missed workout. Or create a system— “if I miss arm day, I’ll do some sets with barbells after leg day.” Doesn’t have to equal the full workout but is a plan you’ve set in advance for flexibility. Food is much more important for weight loss than exercise, so maybe some flexibility here is needed.
As for takeout, just say you don’t want takeout. Boyfriend can eat what he wants, he can’t make you eat what he wants.
I weigh myself every day before eating. I have seen so many minor to major fluctuations it really doesn’t phase me. Sometimes my “best” weigh ins are a result of dehydration, so I don’t fixate too much on getting a super low number. Try an app like Happy Scale that shows you a trend line. Then you know if you really are gaining or losing over time.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:45 AM on August 12, 2020
Try putting some slack in your workout schedule so you can “make up” for a missed workout. Or create a system— “if I miss arm day, I’ll do some sets with barbells after leg day.” Doesn’t have to equal the full workout but is a plan you’ve set in advance for flexibility. Food is much more important for weight loss than exercise, so maybe some flexibility here is needed.
As for takeout, just say you don’t want takeout. Boyfriend can eat what he wants, he can’t make you eat what he wants.
I weigh myself every day before eating. I have seen so many minor to major fluctuations it really doesn’t phase me. Sometimes my “best” weigh ins are a result of dehydration, so I don’t fixate too much on getting a super low number. Try an app like Happy Scale that shows you a trend line. Then you know if you really are gaining or losing over time.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:45 AM on August 12, 2020
Remember this is for the long haul; if you miss a workout, it’s not going to matter a lot in six months. It’s the trend and the habit that matters.
Also, like others have said, embracing food and exercise can make the lifestyle change much more effective. Have you ever considered going vegan, or cooking a new cuisine, or making more food from scratch? Try it out, get excited about new things. For me, even getting really into rich French food at the beginning of my diet helped because I could cook new elaborate things and eat an appropriate portion and feel totally happy about it. Similarly, now is a bad time for sports, but if you can make workouts into sports, games, whatever, it might help.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:46 AM on August 12, 2020
Also, like others have said, embracing food and exercise can make the lifestyle change much more effective. Have you ever considered going vegan, or cooking a new cuisine, or making more food from scratch? Try it out, get excited about new things. For me, even getting really into rich French food at the beginning of my diet helped because I could cook new elaborate things and eat an appropriate portion and feel totally happy about it. Similarly, now is a bad time for sports, but if you can make workouts into sports, games, whatever, it might help.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:46 AM on August 12, 2020
For me, this kind of obsession with numbers, bad moods associated with eating, and dieting taking over everything in my life, counting almonds, weigh-in day making or breaking me. etc., was the start of a serious eating disorder. Common misconception about eating disorders: you do not have to be skinny or on an extreme diet to be diagnosed with one. It’s as much about the effect on your life as it is your body, if not more.
posted by kapers at 1:04 PM on August 12, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by kapers at 1:04 PM on August 12, 2020 [5 favorites]
After a lifetime of disordered eating, including lots of simple carb overeating, I can say from experience: if you've relied on food at all as a coping mechanism and you're not doing that anymore, it's like getting sober or clean. You feel all your feelings including anxiety that was masked before.
This may or may not apply to you but it happens to a lot of people.
For me I have to compensate for the lost carbs by eating a good amount of healthy fat, including small amounts of very dark chocolate. And cocoa powder is still on my menu, but now I use stevia instead of sugar to sweeten. I've maintained a healthy body weight for a long time now.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 1:28 PM on August 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
This may or may not apply to you but it happens to a lot of people.
For me I have to compensate for the lost carbs by eating a good amount of healthy fat, including small amounts of very dark chocolate. And cocoa powder is still on my menu, but now I use stevia instead of sugar to sweeten. I've maintained a healthy body weight for a long time now.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 1:28 PM on August 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
If you still want to weigh in daily and see the big picture rather than fixate on minor fluctuations, try an app that tracks moving average. I love love love Happy Scale, but you can look around for one that might meet your needs better.
I weigh myself daily, first thing in the morning after using the bathroom, naked. +/- up to 1-1.5 lbs happens almost every day and is no big deal as long as the average is still going down.
posted by liet at 2:25 PM on August 12, 2020
I weigh myself daily, first thing in the morning after using the bathroom, naked. +/- up to 1-1.5 lbs happens almost every day and is no big deal as long as the average is still going down.
posted by liet at 2:25 PM on August 12, 2020
Oh yeah, I also agree with an earlier poster that trying a new way of eating might give you something more positive to fixate on. I’m trying to lose two pregnancies’ worth of weight (way more pounds than you) and I’m also prone to anxiety and obsessive thinking.
I’m currently starting an Ayurvedic dosha-balancing diet that gives me a concrete list of ingredients and tastes to favor and to avoid, and for my specific needs according to that belief system, the recommended foods are mostly pretty healthy. I’m really, really not into woo and I’m not much much of a believer in traditional medicine, but I like this plan because it gives me lots to think about every time I eat and when I plan my meals for the week. It lets me fixate on the ingredients and tastes rather than OMG BASELINE METABOLIC RATE and OMG CALORIE INTAKE etc.
I’m not plugging the traditional medicine route — just using it as an example.
I lost 60 lbs 15 years ago with obsessive calorie counting and mostly kept it off (at least, prevented much gain) with obsessive exercise, minus some medication-induced weight fluctuations. Then... those pregnancies. Even though I have about the same amount to lose now, I think this way of approaching diet is at least going to be more fun.
posted by liet at 2:46 PM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
I’m currently starting an Ayurvedic dosha-balancing diet that gives me a concrete list of ingredients and tastes to favor and to avoid, and for my specific needs according to that belief system, the recommended foods are mostly pretty healthy. I’m really, really not into woo and I’m not much much of a believer in traditional medicine, but I like this plan because it gives me lots to think about every time I eat and when I plan my meals for the week. It lets me fixate on the ingredients and tastes rather than OMG BASELINE METABOLIC RATE and OMG CALORIE INTAKE etc.
I’m not plugging the traditional medicine route — just using it as an example.
I lost 60 lbs 15 years ago with obsessive calorie counting and mostly kept it off (at least, prevented much gain) with obsessive exercise, minus some medication-induced weight fluctuations. Then... those pregnancies. Even though I have about the same amount to lose now, I think this way of approaching diet is at least going to be more fun.
posted by liet at 2:46 PM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Yea, to follow up, my last few years of steady weight loss coincided with me going vegetarian and then vegan— you generally have to eat a lot more to get enough calories when vegan (unless you’re mainlining peanut butter), and it opened a whole new world of vegan cooking, baking, etc. that I was actually really excited about and kept me going.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:10 PM on August 12, 2020
posted by stoneandstar at 9:10 PM on August 12, 2020
1. Can replace weighing with measuring every week or two e.g. measuring your bust/waist/hips
2. Focus on adding things - e.g. eating more veggies, tracking your calories / carbs, drinking more water (rather than reducing), exercising more
3. I am really neurotic too and the only way I lose weight is when I am too busy to think about food / weight. So I would suggest taking on some very challenging projects that take up the remainder of your mental energy.
posted by existentialwhale at 1:51 AM on August 13, 2020
2. Focus on adding things - e.g. eating more veggies, tracking your calories / carbs, drinking more water (rather than reducing), exercising more
3. I am really neurotic too and the only way I lose weight is when I am too busy to think about food / weight. So I would suggest taking on some very challenging projects that take up the remainder of your mental energy.
posted by existentialwhale at 1:51 AM on August 13, 2020
Do you use the app HappyScale? It helps me not freak out over day to day fluctuations in weight.
I lost about 25 lbs about 3 years ago and kept it off, I know that you want to lose weight quickly, but maybe you should try a less aggressive calorie deficit. Losing more than a lb a week is more than 500 calorie deficit a day, for me, especially if I am working out, its just too aggressive. I am unhappy, cranky, obsessive and lose my sex drive. I am much happier eating at a 250 calorie deficit, which is 1/2 lb a week.
posted by foxonisland at 2:22 PM on August 18, 2020
I lost about 25 lbs about 3 years ago and kept it off, I know that you want to lose weight quickly, but maybe you should try a less aggressive calorie deficit. Losing more than a lb a week is more than 500 calorie deficit a day, for me, especially if I am working out, its just too aggressive. I am unhappy, cranky, obsessive and lose my sex drive. I am much happier eating at a 250 calorie deficit, which is 1/2 lb a week.
posted by foxonisland at 2:22 PM on August 18, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
But from what you write you already know that. I've definitely been in this place before (I spent a week last year convinced I was breathing in really unhealthy way, which then caused me to breathe poorly out of anxiety), and I would split the problem in half:
On the thought/cognitive side, it sounds like you're being a bit harsh on yourself. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you ARE succeeding at your goal, which is to lose weight. You don't actually need to feel happy about it, it's still working either way! Whenever I try to to feel good about accomplishing a goal, instead of just trying to accomplish a goal, my anxiety thoughts go into overdrive. Anything you can do to channel/accept these thoughts will help, so things like directed journaling, bringing it up in therapy, creative expression are worth trying. Consciously taking a break from dieting can also help here
On the physical anxiety side, it sounds like the specific actions of dieting are triggering you. I haven't felt this exact thing, but for my exercise anxiety distraction has always been very helpful so I only exercise or weigh myself when I'm doing something else like checking my phone or watching something interesting on TV. This helps make the behavior boring and not worth focusing on. Or you could try doing things to lower your physical anxiety (deep breathing, etc) while you're taking the dieting actions. Or, this specific issue might just randomly get better in a few weeks when your anxiety focus moves somewhere else because that seems to happen often for me.
posted by JZig at 12:12 AM on August 12, 2020 [1 favorite]