Not hating yourself when everything you do ends in disaster or failure?
July 21, 2020 5:49 PM Subscribe
At 29 years-old I can honestly say that everything I have ever done has ended in disaster or failure.
I've had about 20 different jobs, been evicted from my apartment, declared bankruptcy, every vehicle I've ever purchased has been repossessed, I currently owe thousands of dollars in student loans for a degree that is evidently worthless, and I'm stuck working some dead-end, low-wage job that I am way overqualified for, while struggling to support my emotionally and mentally absent mother. (Dad killed himself when I was 17.)
After a lot of therapy and an almost equal amount of medication (currently on 5 antidepressants), I haven't self-harmed in almost a year (and even then I didn't need that many stitches), and I've really, really tried to work on my self-esteem.
But with the track record I have in life, I am finding it very, very difficult to feel anything good about myself. Conventional therapy doesn't seem to do it for me anymore. And there doesn't seem to be many resources online for dealing with the shame, guilt, and self-loathing I feel after all the repossessions, eviction, bankruptcy, and everything else.
I've had about 20 different jobs, been evicted from my apartment, declared bankruptcy, every vehicle I've ever purchased has been repossessed, I currently owe thousands of dollars in student loans for a degree that is evidently worthless, and I'm stuck working some dead-end, low-wage job that I am way overqualified for, while struggling to support my emotionally and mentally absent mother. (Dad killed himself when I was 17.)
After a lot of therapy and an almost equal amount of medication (currently on 5 antidepressants), I haven't self-harmed in almost a year (and even then I didn't need that many stitches), and I've really, really tried to work on my self-esteem.
But with the track record I have in life, I am finding it very, very difficult to feel anything good about myself. Conventional therapy doesn't seem to do it for me anymore. And there doesn't seem to be many resources online for dealing with the shame, guilt, and self-loathing I feel after all the repossessions, eviction, bankruptcy, and everything else.
You've had a ton of trauma in your short life. Having mentally ill parents doesn't always support the ability to learn to emotionally self-regulate.
Yeah, THIS. You are not starting from a level playing field like a lot of people. I don't know that many details about your life, but I'm guessing that you're probably starting from a point of severe disadvantage and having to figure out all the adult life crap without a support system. No bloody wonder it's been a struggle, eh? You're trying to climb out of a pit with no rope or stepladder or anything to help you but your broken fingernails. No wonder you've been through the shit.
I am not the person to help anyone with the self-love (though if you do anything nice at all or manage to get through the day, maybe focus on that), but at the very least, maybe think of it like that. Not so much "I am a total failure" so much as "I have a way higher difficulty level going on than most people, so of course I've had to struggle like this."
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:17 PM on July 21, 2020 [16 favorites]
Yeah, THIS. You are not starting from a level playing field like a lot of people. I don't know that many details about your life, but I'm guessing that you're probably starting from a point of severe disadvantage and having to figure out all the adult life crap without a support system. No bloody wonder it's been a struggle, eh? You're trying to climb out of a pit with no rope or stepladder or anything to help you but your broken fingernails. No wonder you've been through the shit.
I am not the person to help anyone with the self-love (though if you do anything nice at all or manage to get through the day, maybe focus on that), but at the very least, maybe think of it like that. Not so much "I am a total failure" so much as "I have a way higher difficulty level going on than most people, so of course I've had to struggle like this."
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:17 PM on July 21, 2020 [16 favorites]
Not only are you starting from disadvantages, almost every single "failure" you list is 100% capitalism setting you up to fail and then profiting off you as a more-exploitable employee, poverty-profit revenue source (higher interest rates, more fees, less buying power and having to buy things in more expensive smaller units from consumer goods to the roof over your head), and (they hope) an anxious consumer of unnecessary crap, especially if you ever get a tiny bit ahead. Billionaires NEED X percent of the population "ending in disaster" all the time or they might make slightly less money.
A healthy portion of your rage is justified, but not at yourself. Bootstraps are a myth meant to reinforce everything in my first paragraph.
Which I realize is all very informative, rage against the machine and all that, but it doesn't fix the problems. But if there was ever a time to focus that anger where it belongs, it's now.
I'm also skeptical that any of these wrongs are going to be righted very soon. I think a therapist who comes from the kind of worldview I'm talking about will probably serve you better than the comfortable white person that a lot of therapists are*, and don't be afraid to challenge any potential new service providers on their positions on social justice and poverty as trauma. But maybe also sniff out your local mutual aid groups to see if they're legit and network there to find recommendations to people who are likely to help. Maybe you have skills you can contribute there and get the healthy satisfaction of teamwork and helping people who need help.
I haven't played the game quite well enough to have any hiring power, but I do work in a field that gives me exposure to a lot of industries, if you want to memail me I can try to give some useful career advice. Figuring out a way to get better-paying work will at least help a little bit for now. But don't feel too too beholden to the debt just yet, it's all a scam and you feeling bad and guilty about is is essential for the scam to succeed.
*Ask questions though, don't just assume. There are comfortable white therapists out there who absolutely know the system is rotten to the core and that has to be taken into consideration. It does seem like they tend to be social workers by education, rather than counseling or clinical psych, which is not to say that all LCWs are activists (because lots of schools and Schools of social work are deeply institutionally racist and patriarchal and capitalist) but it does seem like the SWs do seem more likely to have been radicalized at some point.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:05 PM on July 21, 2020 [20 favorites]
A healthy portion of your rage is justified, but not at yourself. Bootstraps are a myth meant to reinforce everything in my first paragraph.
Which I realize is all very informative, rage against the machine and all that, but it doesn't fix the problems. But if there was ever a time to focus that anger where it belongs, it's now.
I'm also skeptical that any of these wrongs are going to be righted very soon. I think a therapist who comes from the kind of worldview I'm talking about will probably serve you better than the comfortable white person that a lot of therapists are*, and don't be afraid to challenge any potential new service providers on their positions on social justice and poverty as trauma. But maybe also sniff out your local mutual aid groups to see if they're legit and network there to find recommendations to people who are likely to help. Maybe you have skills you can contribute there and get the healthy satisfaction of teamwork and helping people who need help.
I haven't played the game quite well enough to have any hiring power, but I do work in a field that gives me exposure to a lot of industries, if you want to memail me I can try to give some useful career advice. Figuring out a way to get better-paying work will at least help a little bit for now. But don't feel too too beholden to the debt just yet, it's all a scam and you feeling bad and guilty about is is essential for the scam to succeed.
*Ask questions though, don't just assume. There are comfortable white therapists out there who absolutely know the system is rotten to the core and that has to be taken into consideration. It does seem like they tend to be social workers by education, rather than counseling or clinical psych, which is not to say that all LCWs are activists (because lots of schools and Schools of social work are deeply institutionally racist and patriarchal and capitalist) but it does seem like the SWs do seem more likely to have been radicalized at some point.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:05 PM on July 21, 2020 [20 favorites]
You suffered unspeakable trauma even before you were an adult; that wreaks havoc on executive function and has no doubt had an impact on your experience of work. Notwithstanding that, you've finished high school, got a degree, and are managing to go to your job and provide support to your mom. I think you're fabulous. I hope things get easier for you.
posted by kate4914 at 7:20 PM on July 21, 2020 [12 favorites]
posted by kate4914 at 7:20 PM on July 21, 2020 [12 favorites]
Given the history with your parents, it's not at all surprising to read about these challenges.
I'm completely speculating but: it seems likely that your parents could not provide the learning and guidance you would need in order to, say, prevent multiple reposessions of your cars. People who don't get their cars re-possessed, aren't just nice or talented or lucky or born with innate knowledge about how avoid such a thing - it's because they were given knowledge and taught specific behaviors. It's not because they were better snowflakes than you.
I suspect there's more at play than just 'your parents didn't teach you the mechanics of how to 'succeed' at the modern consumerist game'. I'll bet that dealing with that trauma, and continuing to be a parent to your parent, meant a lot of other core stuff, about how to care for yourself and how to manage the natural challenges that come from jobs and other endeavors, didn't happen. Which is to say: if you can, and I hope you can, find a moment to show some care for yourself. Maybe spend some time quietly talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend who is similarly struggling.
When I read your post, my heart went out to you. A little later I thought, 8LeggedFriend is one brave person, to keep on keeping on, like s/he has. A lot of people would have folded. You kept trying. And trying. That's not common. That, as much as anything else, is going to serve you. The people who get places and achieve things? They're not the ones who succeed. It's the ones who are willing to "fail", and fail again. And be OK with failing - asking others. Not accepting that it's ALL. UP TO. THEM.
I'm not saying that's enough. Clearly there are some new ways of seeing and trying to be done, because the old ways (repeatedly) are not serving you. Given some of the trauma you've experienced, the ol 'keep on plugging away' is not going to be enough. Necessary, but not Sufficient. I guess I'm trying to say: a lot of what you might ascribe as shortcomings, could be things that serve you well, in trying to find and practice a new way of being.
You're only 29. Sooooooo many people don't have their shit together at 29. Even the people who appear to. Or, a lot of the people who seem to have it easier at that age, they go through some of the same shit, but later. In their 40's. When there's a mortgage at stake, and kids, and other things. But you... you're getting all that out of the way NOW. You may not feel it, you may hate it, but you're learning things now that take others a lot longer, and later in life, to learn. And shit is harder to learn and adapt and grown from, when you're 39 or 49. Buy you, you get to start fresh, NOW, with all that behind you. None of what has happened is on your "permanent record".
Though I doubt it, I'll accept that it MAY be the case that everything you've done before has resulted in disaster or failure. But one thing hasn't: you posting to AskMe.
Whatever that was that compelled you to post: keep listening to that.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 7:21 PM on July 21, 2020 [17 favorites]
I'm completely speculating but: it seems likely that your parents could not provide the learning and guidance you would need in order to, say, prevent multiple reposessions of your cars. People who don't get their cars re-possessed, aren't just nice or talented or lucky or born with innate knowledge about how avoid such a thing - it's because they were given knowledge and taught specific behaviors. It's not because they were better snowflakes than you.
I suspect there's more at play than just 'your parents didn't teach you the mechanics of how to 'succeed' at the modern consumerist game'. I'll bet that dealing with that trauma, and continuing to be a parent to your parent, meant a lot of other core stuff, about how to care for yourself and how to manage the natural challenges that come from jobs and other endeavors, didn't happen. Which is to say: if you can, and I hope you can, find a moment to show some care for yourself. Maybe spend some time quietly talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend who is similarly struggling.
When I read your post, my heart went out to you. A little later I thought, 8LeggedFriend is one brave person, to keep on keeping on, like s/he has. A lot of people would have folded. You kept trying. And trying. That's not common. That, as much as anything else, is going to serve you. The people who get places and achieve things? They're not the ones who succeed. It's the ones who are willing to "fail", and fail again. And be OK with failing - asking others. Not accepting that it's ALL. UP TO. THEM.
I'm not saying that's enough. Clearly there are some new ways of seeing and trying to be done, because the old ways (repeatedly) are not serving you. Given some of the trauma you've experienced, the ol 'keep on plugging away' is not going to be enough. Necessary, but not Sufficient. I guess I'm trying to say: a lot of what you might ascribe as shortcomings, could be things that serve you well, in trying to find and practice a new way of being.
You're only 29. Sooooooo many people don't have their shit together at 29. Even the people who appear to. Or, a lot of the people who seem to have it easier at that age, they go through some of the same shit, but later. In their 40's. When there's a mortgage at stake, and kids, and other things. But you... you're getting all that out of the way NOW. You may not feel it, you may hate it, but you're learning things now that take others a lot longer, and later in life, to learn. And shit is harder to learn and adapt and grown from, when you're 39 or 49. Buy you, you get to start fresh, NOW, with all that behind you. None of what has happened is on your "permanent record".
Though I doubt it, I'll accept that it MAY be the case that everything you've done before has resulted in disaster or failure. But one thing hasn't: you posting to AskMe.
Whatever that was that compelled you to post: keep listening to that.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 7:21 PM on July 21, 2020 [17 favorites]
Oh, Friend, hang in there. Consider this: Who gets to set the standard for what makes a life admirable? (I loved what unstrungharp said about not owing anyone your shame.)
Should each of us be ashamed that we haven't personally come up with a cure for coronavirus, or saved a busload of children from careening off a cliff, or won Olympic gold metals in three different sports? A person could always be more accomplished. Maybe the triple-sport Olympian should be ashamed that she hasn't ALSO cured coronavirus? Surely not. It's enough for each of us to muddle along doing our best. No one is keeping score.
You seem like a thoughtful, kind person whom anyone would be lucky to have as a friend. I'm sorry it hasn't translated so far into an easier life. I have to think your good qualities will serve you well in the long run.
This is a weak suggestion because my personal experience with it hasn't been encouraging, but if you live in a place that has vocational rehabilitation services, and qualify for them based on your mental health, maybe they will have an interesting idea or connection that would make better use of your education.
posted by lakeroon at 9:16 PM on July 21, 2020 [6 favorites]
Should each of us be ashamed that we haven't personally come up with a cure for coronavirus, or saved a busload of children from careening off a cliff, or won Olympic gold metals in three different sports? A person could always be more accomplished. Maybe the triple-sport Olympian should be ashamed that she hasn't ALSO cured coronavirus? Surely not. It's enough for each of us to muddle along doing our best. No one is keeping score.
You seem like a thoughtful, kind person whom anyone would be lucky to have as a friend. I'm sorry it hasn't translated so far into an easier life. I have to think your good qualities will serve you well in the long run.
This is a weak suggestion because my personal experience with it hasn't been encouraging, but if you live in a place that has vocational rehabilitation services, and qualify for them based on your mental health, maybe they will have an interesting idea or connection that would make better use of your education.
posted by lakeroon at 9:16 PM on July 21, 2020 [6 favorites]
Even in this short post, you've described things that haven't ended up in disaster and failure. You have had at least a year (and hopefully longer) without self-harming. That is a great achievement. You have qualifications. You have a job. Anyone worth listening to would read your description of your life and feel compassion and admiration for you. And you still have so much of your life left to live.
You clearly have amazing tenacity and you are a valuable and worthwhile person just as you are. There are lots of different kind of therapy to try, particularly if you take into account 'fit' with a therapist. If you're looking for online resources, a lot are geared towards CBT. That doesn't, I don't think, address shame directly but if you haven't tried it, you might find it helpful in giving you some respite from your intrusive thoughts. As much self care as you can persuade yourself to do might also help.
posted by plonkee at 6:05 AM on July 22, 2020 [5 favorites]
You clearly have amazing tenacity and you are a valuable and worthwhile person just as you are. There are lots of different kind of therapy to try, particularly if you take into account 'fit' with a therapist. If you're looking for online resources, a lot are geared towards CBT. That doesn't, I don't think, address shame directly but if you haven't tried it, you might find it helpful in giving you some respite from your intrusive thoughts. As much self care as you can persuade yourself to do might also help.
posted by plonkee at 6:05 AM on July 22, 2020 [5 favorites]
Coming in to say firstly that I agree with the above folks - you might not think you are, but you're doing brilliantly. You are only 29 and you've overcome so much. I'm so proud of you.
The other thing is that if you've been through this much, your baseline "things are fine and I should be able to function normally now" is probably set pretty low. It feels, because you're not enduring any direct and immediate trauma, like you ought to be achieving, and because you feel like you're not, that feeds your self-loathing, making it harder to do anything, and so on and so on.
Break this circle by telling yourself that you deserve care, time, love, and anything else you need. You deserve as much time to heal as you need. You deserve love, and patience, and support, from others and from your own self. You deserve to take this journey out of struggling and towards happiness (and you've already come so far even if it doesn't feel like it some/a lot of the time) at your own pace.
Read the first paragraph of your post again. You wrote it thinking it was a list of things to feel ashamed of. To me, it reads like something to be proud of. You came through all that and you're still here, still fighting, still reaching out to people for help.
I'll say it again - I'm so proud of you.
posted by greenish at 7:00 AM on July 22, 2020 [7 favorites]
The other thing is that if you've been through this much, your baseline "things are fine and I should be able to function normally now" is probably set pretty low. It feels, because you're not enduring any direct and immediate trauma, like you ought to be achieving, and because you feel like you're not, that feeds your self-loathing, making it harder to do anything, and so on and so on.
Break this circle by telling yourself that you deserve care, time, love, and anything else you need. You deserve as much time to heal as you need. You deserve love, and patience, and support, from others and from your own self. You deserve to take this journey out of struggling and towards happiness (and you've already come so far even if it doesn't feel like it some/a lot of the time) at your own pace.
Read the first paragraph of your post again. You wrote it thinking it was a list of things to feel ashamed of. To me, it reads like something to be proud of. You came through all that and you're still here, still fighting, still reaching out to people for help.
I'll say it again - I'm so proud of you.
posted by greenish at 7:00 AM on July 22, 2020 [7 favorites]
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When you say "conventional therapy," what do you mean? Have you tried supportive counselling, CBT? IANYT, but if you were my client, I would try DBT, which specifically addresses, as a first order of business, the tendency to be constantly in crisis. It also teaches distress tolerance and emotional regulation, perhaps things you did not learn from your absent and distressed parents. It is specifically invested in teaching you to experience "ordinary joy," (with the presupposition that people with life experiences like yours struggle to feel okay about themselves).
If you want practical suggestions outside of therapy, maybe identify a couple things you can do to relax your body and de-escalate intense physiological responses to emotional distress, and then do them. Every day. Set small, achievable, stupid goals for yourself and let yourself feel good about achieving them (ie. I cleaned my bathroom, I made it to my doctor's appointment, I brushed my teeth, I asked a friend out for coffee.) When you get used to the feeling of achieving things, you can let the goals get a little bigger. Practice gratitude. Fall asleep making a list in your head of things you are grateful for: the sun on your skin, the fact that you are housed, a meme you saw on the internet that made you laugh.
Remember that you don't owe anyone your shame, and that all of the adversity you've faced has made you a stronger, more complex person. What would happen if you just chose not to feel ashamed? Who would you be letting down by not having an appropriate level of shame? Society? You don't owe anyone that.
IANYT, but seven years ago I was in a very similar situation to yours, and now I'm a therapist, and doing pretty ok. If you want to memail me, you can.
One thing that really helped me was the idea that every human, including me, is already perfect as they are. You don't need to be perfected. You are good enough right now.
posted by unstrungharp at 6:02 PM on July 21, 2020 [31 favorites]