Is my coworker trying to bully me out of a job?
July 21, 2020 5:39 PM   Subscribe

I'm worried that the Queen Bee at my new job is trying to get me in trouble, or worse, bully me out of the place. Snowflakes inside....

My coworker mentioned here seems to be increasing her antics. "Minerva" now tries to act like my boss and order me around. I pushed back on something because she assigned her work to me and I questioned it and brought it to the attention of the boss. Minerva then cried to the boss that I was "being mean" and tried to blame me. Luckily, the boss reminded her that it wasn't my job to do her work. Minerva then ignored me for the rest of the day.

Today, Minerva was questioned by my boss as to why she scheduled a meeting. Minerva said it was because I wasn't sure what I was doing on an assignment. I was shocked. I didn't have the data to input into the system. I told this to them and Minerva had this smirk on her face and mocked my voice and said, "What?"

My boss told her to give me the info that I needed and again, Minerva gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the day.

I've been standing up for myself more, which I'm proud of, but this seems to have no effect on them and they continue to do it. The only thing that stops it is the boss telling them to knock it off , but he is in meetings or out of the office.

It's creepy because she's so manipulative and is trying to gaslight me.

I feel embarrassed and ashamed because it's like the playground bully and someone tattling on you to the teacher, except we're adults.

I've done the gray rock method, I've tried spending less time around her, not talking or socializing, nothing works.

It's exhausting having to stand up for myself all of the time just to have a job. The mind games that they play are annoying- I just want to work! I could never do this to another human being.

I need a new job, but any advice on how to cope in the mean time? Has this happened to anyone else?
posted by Kobayashi Maru to Human Relations (8 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
You need to have a private conversation with your boss about Minerva's behaviour and how it is disrupting your work. You can frame it as you seeking your boss's advice on what to do and how to handle it. What you are really doing is alerting your boss to the fact that Minerva is creating problems and they need to do something about it.

I feel embarrassed and ashamed because it's like the playground bully and someone tattling on you to the teacher, except we're adults.

Exactly. It's not a playground. It's a workplace. There's no 'no tattling' rule. There is a 'be a fucking professional adult' rule, and Minerva is breaking it. So abandon any feelings of embarrassment. It is literally your boss's job to deal with issues like this.

This obviously will only work if you think can trust your boss to do the right thing.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:02 PM on July 21, 2020 [25 favorites]


Your boss clearly sees what's up, have you discussed it with him? Like, set up a meeting with him to talk privately and say, "So it seems like Minerva has some kind of power dynamic situation going on, do you think there's a strategy we can take with her so she's wasting less of your and my time with all this? Or do we just have to keep documenting and getting the work done as best we can until someone else decides it's an issue?"

You want to absolutely approach him in a Team Us kind of way, but honestly one of the reasons you casually mention documentation is so that he realizes you are very pointedly paying attention to the situation. But it is legitimately possible that he dislikes the situation and cannot do a damn thing about it until somebody over his head gets fed up with it, or until he can go to somebody and say "look, KM is doing her best to work around this, but it's a problem for my team". Or it turns out Minerva is related to or relating with someone at the company and there's nothing anyone can do, but hopefully at least he'll tell you if it's non-resolvable in some way.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:07 PM on July 21, 2020 [7 favorites]


It is literally your boss's job to deal with issues like this.

Quoted for truth. So you need to help your boss do their job by laying the issue out in detail, preferably with a documentation trail. Start a Minerva Interactions diary if you don't already have one going, then schedule a meeting with the boss once there's enough stuff written down in there to establish a clear pattern of behaviour.

There's a kind of magic in having specific dates and times attached to incident records.
posted by flabdablet at 6:07 PM on July 21, 2020 [1 favorite]


This is not a you problem. This is a poor management problem. It's your boss' job to ensure that their team is working together to the best of their ability and getting their tasks done in an efficient manner. Doesn't sound like this is happening right now.

Like what everyone else has said. Document the issues you are having. Request a meeting with your boss to ask for advice in a "team us" way as mentioned.
posted by gemmy at 6:09 PM on July 21, 2020


And a suggested reframe: this isn't Minerva specifically targeting you personally, this is Minerva having decided that the path to power at this workplace is by subjugating other coworkers. Not you specifically, you just happen to be within range.

It's super pathetic behavior, and unless you work in a real prestige field you are free to feel really sorry for her that her idea of grand ambition is annoying her way to middle management at X company. There's generally one or two of these (minimum) at every workplace, and it absolutely does suck when you're just trying to live your life and she's constantly contorting herself to alpha-dog you because hey, stop humping my leg and let me get my work done.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:15 PM on July 21, 2020 [1 favorite]


Also, remember that it usually takes a long time to fire someone for poor performance, and your boss shouldn’t tell you if that process is going on. Your boss sees what’s going on, documenting additional stuff could be helpful, definitely ask if your boss can make this affect your job less. But just because you don’t see gears moving doesn’t mean that they aren’t.

It may also help you to have a ritual after each time she bullies you. Watch a kitten video. Add a sticker to a notebook. Go for a little walk. This also helps with detached observation that “oh M is being a jerk, walk time” rather than wondering what you did. She’s just like the stapler jamming, an office annoyance that can happen to anyone.
posted by momus_window at 7:02 PM on July 21, 2020 [1 favorite]


From past Asks, you seem to categorize a lot of your problems with gender, and are repeating a lot of gender stereotypes in how you describe people and your problems with them in the work environment.

This is difficult to read, honestly.

But I would guess that it's causing -you- even more problems than it is to read here on Ask. I think you have a lot of untangling to do about your gender stereotyping, likely with professional help.

And I think you really should seek to do so, so that you listen and interact with people for who they are, in a manner that is not limited by the stereotype you've boxed them into.
posted by ashy_sock at 10:47 AM on July 22, 2020 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: @ ashy_sock- Talking to someone would definitely help as I keep finding myself in toxic environments. As for the issues with gender, at least in my current work place, the Assistant Manager admitted to me that the boss and even this coworker are "tougher on women than they are on men".
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 5:40 PM on July 22, 2020


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