How do I finally recover from having mental breakdowns?
November 28, 2019 8:44 AM Subscribe
I have finally accepted that I am going through another breakdown. It is not mild depression from job searching nor malaise from current world events. So it's time to stop, reflect, and make some serious changes.
In the past two years I have been through the following : sudden death of close friend, death of grandmother, job loss, toxic work environment, finances spiralling out of control leaving me in severe debt, moved house three times, breakdown of long term relationship, breakdown of two, self destructive short term relationships, parent's divorce, loss of family home, the feeling of being an outsider, friends moving on in life, rewrite of novel and internal and external pressure of publication, dissatisfaction of career if had any career at all more a series of lifestyle, literary and artsy jobs with great, interesting people but I built virtually no life structure, on top of being a highly sensitive person with overachieving, perfectionist qualities.
I am currently freelancing which is slow but my job search is fruitless because I don't know what I want to do, how to do it, and I am up to capacity with stress. The stress has now manifested into physical symptoms such as light flashes in eyes, headaches/migraines, lower back pain, leg pain where now I cannot walk, acid reflux, and sinus problems.
I have had nervous breakdowns (I stopped eating and sleeping for months and it was not pretty) which led medication but ultimately did not solve many deep-rooted problems. I am slowly making money as a freelance writer and frankly that is all I can cope with right now before I make any long term plans or get a full time role. But I need to do make those serious plans to stabilise my future.
I am mid-30s, recently single woman in London, who had been consecutively in long and short term relationships since I was about 20. My first serious boyfriend who I lived with was abusive - physically and emotionally I don't think I ever dealt with that. I did have two long term loving relationships but I always felt that I sacrificed my work/creative life for those relationships too. I have worked in journalism as an editor, publishing, and in communications and marketing but deep down would like to move away from those fields. Although it sounds silly right now but the only motivation I have is writing which I currently do independently, and keep working at my own pace on my novel. But I NEED stability. What jobs could I do?? Hence I am now completely lost, and at crossroads. I feel that I am falling behind my friends who are getting married thinking about buying property and now I have nothing. What makes it worse is for years I had everything in societal terms - a huge house, a partner who loved me unconditionally, a glamorous sociable lifestyle, but I was incredibly unhappy, it even led to two major breakdowns. I would love to meet someone and settle one day but not until I am well, thriving, and truly connected to myself.
I currently living in a family home, so do not have to worry about overheads apart from my groceries, but in this time I would love to get well, formulate a life plan, to have a happy life. Also my parents are slightly toxic to me even though they have supported me during this period financially and somewhat emotionally, as I had a very unhappy time growing up as an only child in a destabilising household. They are now divorced and live separately. I am grateful for my privilege but everything is relative.
I also feel that leaving London, but remain in the UK would be best for me. I also would like a stable, well paid day job that will not lead me to burn out and allow time and money for me to look after myself creatively, financially and psychologically. (Don't we all?!) I have somehow internalised being anti-corporate (probably thanks to reading Naomi Klein as a teenager and being too 'well-informed') and have mainly worked for independent organisations or startups for projects that I have loved, but they have led to burn out and lack of balance.
Ideally, I would like to spend a year in another city, building writing portfolio, joining a yoga studio, working a job with professional, fun, hard working people who aren't messy, unprofessional, or toxic, and pursuing my hobbies of birdwatching, cooking, volunteering, and painting. It would be hard to leave my friends and network in London but as much as I love London, she is not loving me back. Her transience and decadence is killing me.
This summer I spoke to a life coach, and she mentioned that I have failed to find my 'tribe', I do not protect my time to write, and how my life is not matching up to my values. (My values are creativity, independence, openness, courage, vision, personal fulfillment, adaptability, ambition, humour/fun, risk-taking) These are all ideas to consider.
Can anyone offer any suggestions on making a plan of action for the next month of self-healing? How can make sure my values and needs match up to my future plans? Should I trial some projects to see what kind of work I could do? Please do not say go to doctor or therapist, it is a given and I will make plans to eventually return to my therapist when I can walk again.
I really do not know what else to do. These endless existential crisis cycles need to stop, otherwise my life will end up being prematurely terminal.
Thank you so much for reading.
In the past two years I have been through the following : sudden death of close friend, death of grandmother, job loss, toxic work environment, finances spiralling out of control leaving me in severe debt, moved house three times, breakdown of long term relationship, breakdown of two, self destructive short term relationships, parent's divorce, loss of family home, the feeling of being an outsider, friends moving on in life, rewrite of novel and internal and external pressure of publication, dissatisfaction of career if had any career at all more a series of lifestyle, literary and artsy jobs with great, interesting people but I built virtually no life structure, on top of being a highly sensitive person with overachieving, perfectionist qualities.
I am currently freelancing which is slow but my job search is fruitless because I don't know what I want to do, how to do it, and I am up to capacity with stress. The stress has now manifested into physical symptoms such as light flashes in eyes, headaches/migraines, lower back pain, leg pain where now I cannot walk, acid reflux, and sinus problems.
I have had nervous breakdowns (I stopped eating and sleeping for months and it was not pretty) which led medication but ultimately did not solve many deep-rooted problems. I am slowly making money as a freelance writer and frankly that is all I can cope with right now before I make any long term plans or get a full time role. But I need to do make those serious plans to stabilise my future.
I am mid-30s, recently single woman in London, who had been consecutively in long and short term relationships since I was about 20. My first serious boyfriend who I lived with was abusive - physically and emotionally I don't think I ever dealt with that. I did have two long term loving relationships but I always felt that I sacrificed my work/creative life for those relationships too. I have worked in journalism as an editor, publishing, and in communications and marketing but deep down would like to move away from those fields. Although it sounds silly right now but the only motivation I have is writing which I currently do independently, and keep working at my own pace on my novel. But I NEED stability. What jobs could I do?? Hence I am now completely lost, and at crossroads. I feel that I am falling behind my friends who are getting married thinking about buying property and now I have nothing. What makes it worse is for years I had everything in societal terms - a huge house, a partner who loved me unconditionally, a glamorous sociable lifestyle, but I was incredibly unhappy, it even led to two major breakdowns. I would love to meet someone and settle one day but not until I am well, thriving, and truly connected to myself.
I currently living in a family home, so do not have to worry about overheads apart from my groceries, but in this time I would love to get well, formulate a life plan, to have a happy life. Also my parents are slightly toxic to me even though they have supported me during this period financially and somewhat emotionally, as I had a very unhappy time growing up as an only child in a destabilising household. They are now divorced and live separately. I am grateful for my privilege but everything is relative.
I also feel that leaving London, but remain in the UK would be best for me. I also would like a stable, well paid day job that will not lead me to burn out and allow time and money for me to look after myself creatively, financially and psychologically. (Don't we all?!) I have somehow internalised being anti-corporate (probably thanks to reading Naomi Klein as a teenager and being too 'well-informed') and have mainly worked for independent organisations or startups for projects that I have loved, but they have led to burn out and lack of balance.
Ideally, I would like to spend a year in another city, building writing portfolio, joining a yoga studio, working a job with professional, fun, hard working people who aren't messy, unprofessional, or toxic, and pursuing my hobbies of birdwatching, cooking, volunteering, and painting. It would be hard to leave my friends and network in London but as much as I love London, she is not loving me back. Her transience and decadence is killing me.
This summer I spoke to a life coach, and she mentioned that I have failed to find my 'tribe', I do not protect my time to write, and how my life is not matching up to my values. (My values are creativity, independence, openness, courage, vision, personal fulfillment, adaptability, ambition, humour/fun, risk-taking) These are all ideas to consider.
Can anyone offer any suggestions on making a plan of action for the next month of self-healing? How can make sure my values and needs match up to my future plans? Should I trial some projects to see what kind of work I could do? Please do not say go to doctor or therapist, it is a given and I will make plans to eventually return to my therapist when I can walk again.
I really do not know what else to do. These endless existential crisis cycles need to stop, otherwise my life will end up being prematurely terminal.
Thank you so much for reading.
Whilst the details differ, your situation and mine are so strikingly similar that I felt moved to comment.
In terms of suggestions, taking classes helps me - I took a bunch of them in all sorts of things when I felt able to get to the class, which wasn't always. If everything else was terrible and life was going nowhere at least I learned some new things in that time and met some interesting people as well.
The only other thing I have to offer is that self-healing might take longer than a month, which might not be what you want to hear. I have also sent you a memail.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 9:28 AM on November 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
In terms of suggestions, taking classes helps me - I took a bunch of them in all sorts of things when I felt able to get to the class, which wasn't always. If everything else was terrible and life was going nowhere at least I learned some new things in that time and met some interesting people as well.
The only other thing I have to offer is that self-healing might take longer than a month, which might not be what you want to hear. I have also sent you a memail.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 9:28 AM on November 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
Have you considered spending some time in a more rural environment? You didn't mention nature. Some people, myself included, find solace in the natural world. If you have any kind friends or relatives who live somewhere beautiful away from the city go visit. Take long walks in the woods, the meadows, the hills, the beach, whatever appeals. Get some sun on your face and wind in your hair. Give yourself a break, a true holiday. It's not running away, it's a way to build strength.
posted by mareli at 10:04 AM on November 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by mareli at 10:04 AM on November 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
it is a given and I will make plans to eventually return to my therapist when I can walk again.
I live in Mexico and still have weekly sessions with my therapist in the U.S. Please give some thought to video conferencing. It is not ideal, but therapy is such a vital part of what I’m going through that it’s worth making do.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:08 AM on November 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
I live in Mexico and still have weekly sessions with my therapist in the U.S. Please give some thought to video conferencing. It is not ideal, but therapy is such a vital part of what I’m going through that it’s worth making do.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:08 AM on November 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This will either speak strongly to you, or else not at all. If the latter, forgive me and please just ignore.
There are people (I'm one) who've endured long litanies of crazily disastrous external results. It can become so crazily excessive - so flagrant that it becomes quite apparent that some sort of lesson's being taught. That's the only explanation.
People on this track tend to be vigorous, eager people. It's never weaklings or bland nebbishes. That's a clue! Whatever this mysterious lesson is, it's not for the faint of heart. It's grad school.
Your first move is to try to IMPROVE YOUR RESULTS; to make changes to your approach so you can achieve a different effect. It seems reasonable, but one can go mad this way. The world doesn't submit to systematic debugging efforts.
IMPORTANT EXCEPTION: if you are truly screwing up, and thus clearly (at least from third-party perspective) blameworthy, that's a different thing. Improve your judgement and straighten out your actions, by all means. My assumption here is that you're performing with at least reasonable clarity and competence. Ok, to continue....
After a few decades of trying to improve results, with all the false hope and desperate weak correlation-building that human psychology is prone to, you will finally realize that you have only one move: let go a little, and accept the universe in its full array of configurations, including unexpected and undesirable ones. Find some space between you and your results. The moment you frame it this way, you'll very quickly realize that stuff doesn't happen to you, it happens around you. And you are untouched.
So that's the lesson (sorry for spoilers), and for most of us it requires an enormous amount of catastrophe, disappointment, and disaster (i.e. grad school) before we stop tenaciously sinking our furious jaws into the dog toy and realize that it's far more efficacious to change your perspective than to change your world. In fact, perspective can change in a fingersnap. Easy-peasy.
Here's how the insight arises. At a certain point you look up, blithely, from the apparent horror movie du jour and realize....Here I am. Same me as ever. Nothing's ever touched me. This world is for my entertainment, and I'm enjoying the 'Gnarly' program, and it's absolutely as good as any other, because I'm still me, come what may. The same me as ever. All those bad things happened, and I've just sitting here blinking blithely, the same presence and awareness right here and right now that's always been present and aware right here and right now. My awareness is the pole star it all spins around and plays to. Just a show. And it's all fine.
PS: I'm willing to bet that you could tell your life story in a way that makes it sound terrific, and have the story be just as true as the blistering tirade of horribleness you recited. Both true! It's just a question of perspective. A question of perspective. A question of perspective. A question of perspective. A question of perspective.
Feel free to DM if you have questions.
posted by Quisp Lover at 10:22 AM on November 28, 2019 [20 favorites]
There are people (I'm one) who've endured long litanies of crazily disastrous external results. It can become so crazily excessive - so flagrant that it becomes quite apparent that some sort of lesson's being taught. That's the only explanation.
People on this track tend to be vigorous, eager people. It's never weaklings or bland nebbishes. That's a clue! Whatever this mysterious lesson is, it's not for the faint of heart. It's grad school.
Your first move is to try to IMPROVE YOUR RESULTS; to make changes to your approach so you can achieve a different effect. It seems reasonable, but one can go mad this way. The world doesn't submit to systematic debugging efforts.
IMPORTANT EXCEPTION: if you are truly screwing up, and thus clearly (at least from third-party perspective) blameworthy, that's a different thing. Improve your judgement and straighten out your actions, by all means. My assumption here is that you're performing with at least reasonable clarity and competence. Ok, to continue....
After a few decades of trying to improve results, with all the false hope and desperate weak correlation-building that human psychology is prone to, you will finally realize that you have only one move: let go a little, and accept the universe in its full array of configurations, including unexpected and undesirable ones. Find some space between you and your results. The moment you frame it this way, you'll very quickly realize that stuff doesn't happen to you, it happens around you. And you are untouched.
So that's the lesson (sorry for spoilers), and for most of us it requires an enormous amount of catastrophe, disappointment, and disaster (i.e. grad school) before we stop tenaciously sinking our furious jaws into the dog toy and realize that it's far more efficacious to change your perspective than to change your world. In fact, perspective can change in a fingersnap. Easy-peasy.
Here's how the insight arises. At a certain point you look up, blithely, from the apparent horror movie du jour and realize....Here I am. Same me as ever. Nothing's ever touched me. This world is for my entertainment, and I'm enjoying the 'Gnarly' program, and it's absolutely as good as any other, because I'm still me, come what may. The same me as ever. All those bad things happened, and I've just sitting here blinking blithely, the same presence and awareness right here and right now that's always been present and aware right here and right now. My awareness is the pole star it all spins around and plays to. Just a show. And it's all fine.
PS: I'm willing to bet that you could tell your life story in a way that makes it sound terrific, and have the story be just as true as the blistering tirade of horribleness you recited. Both true! It's just a question of perspective. A question of perspective. A question of perspective. A question of perspective. A question of perspective.
Feel free to DM if you have questions.
posted by Quisp Lover at 10:22 AM on November 28, 2019 [20 favorites]
Teaching is the traditional job for writers for a reason. You can take summer sabatticals away from your real life and some people, like me, find teaching teaching kids rejuvenating, not draining. I find adults more draining!
The stress has now manifested into physical symptoms such as light flashes in eyes, headaches/migraines, lower back pain, leg pain where now I cannot walk, acid reflux, and sinus problems
This concerns me quite a bit. Who told you this was stress? Becuase those sound like neurological symptoms and might well be related to to you problems with mood and executive functioning. Any history of neck injuries or back problems? Any numbness, weakness, tingling or loss of feeling? Problems with balance? If you have lower back pain and cannot walk you need to be in an emergeny medicine setting asap in case you have a badly injured disc and then follow up with a neurologist if not . And you must see an opthamologist too. Dont let your GP fob you off because you're a woman!
posted by fshgrl at 11:47 AM on November 28, 2019 [7 favorites]
The stress has now manifested into physical symptoms such as light flashes in eyes, headaches/migraines, lower back pain, leg pain where now I cannot walk, acid reflux, and sinus problems
This concerns me quite a bit. Who told you this was stress? Becuase those sound like neurological symptoms and might well be related to to you problems with mood and executive functioning. Any history of neck injuries or back problems? Any numbness, weakness, tingling or loss of feeling? Problems with balance? If you have lower back pain and cannot walk you need to be in an emergeny medicine setting asap in case you have a badly injured disc and then follow up with a neurologist if not . And you must see an opthamologist too. Dont let your GP fob you off because you're a woman!
posted by fshgrl at 11:47 AM on November 28, 2019 [7 favorites]
Do you have a car? As an interim measure, Uber/Lyft might be perfect for you: setting your own hours and providing lots of time to think about your writing and craft your plans.
posted by carmicha at 12:45 PM on November 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by carmicha at 12:45 PM on November 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hi fshgrl, thanks so much and I appreciate your concern.
I went to the opthamologist a couple of weeks ago, my eyes are healthy. I am having a microscopic fragment removed from my eye and my prescription has changed but that's all. I do stare at a screen all day with my weak glasses, so it might be connected. I will get new glasses. My leg injury was initially caused by walking around with heavy shoulder bag, it was a mild twinge which I unfortunately made worse by not resting and continuing to carry my notebooks, books, bottled water, laptop, etc around with reckless abandon. Then I made a sharp turn and it got worse. Lower back pain is primarily from sitting at a desk, writing all day, and a yoga injury from a few years ago. I get migraines and acid reflux when I am stressed, or not eating well which I haven't been doing due to the stress! The sinus problem is linked to acid reflux. I suffer from panic disorder and had an attack a couple of weeks ago. They usually sends my body out of sync. I hardly exercise anymore apart from walks, and am quite socially isolated, so these things are magnified.
No weakness or tingling. I do, however, agree that I might have a mild neurological disorder. I used to drink heavily and I remember having tingling then but now that I'm pretty much teetotal, they have subsided. I do find my concentration nonexistent but that is from being a chronic overthinker. The combination of all these things has left me exhausted, and in a kind of subsidiary way all caused by stress.
posted by foxmardou at 1:41 PM on November 28, 2019
I went to the opthamologist a couple of weeks ago, my eyes are healthy. I am having a microscopic fragment removed from my eye and my prescription has changed but that's all. I do stare at a screen all day with my weak glasses, so it might be connected. I will get new glasses. My leg injury was initially caused by walking around with heavy shoulder bag, it was a mild twinge which I unfortunately made worse by not resting and continuing to carry my notebooks, books, bottled water, laptop, etc around with reckless abandon. Then I made a sharp turn and it got worse. Lower back pain is primarily from sitting at a desk, writing all day, and a yoga injury from a few years ago. I get migraines and acid reflux when I am stressed, or not eating well which I haven't been doing due to the stress! The sinus problem is linked to acid reflux. I suffer from panic disorder and had an attack a couple of weeks ago. They usually sends my body out of sync. I hardly exercise anymore apart from walks, and am quite socially isolated, so these things are magnified.
No weakness or tingling. I do, however, agree that I might have a mild neurological disorder. I used to drink heavily and I remember having tingling then but now that I'm pretty much teetotal, they have subsided. I do find my concentration nonexistent but that is from being a chronic overthinker. The combination of all these things has left me exhausted, and in a kind of subsidiary way all caused by stress.
posted by foxmardou at 1:41 PM on November 28, 2019
Best answer: You ask for a stable, well paid day job. Here are some ideas that might be helpful.
If you want to change location, you might find it easier to move somewhere where you know some people already. Many towns and cities are less expensive than London and might support your hobbies, although Norwich is somewhere that sprang to mind straightaway. Or Newcastle or Liverpool for bigger and further afield.
posted by plonkee at 2:03 PM on November 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
- internal communications coordinator
- HR officer
- policy officer in public sector (eg housing, environment, )
- customer enquiries officer in eg big utilities company or bank
If you want to change location, you might find it easier to move somewhere where you know some people already. Many towns and cities are less expensive than London and might support your hobbies, although Norwich is somewhere that sprang to mind straightaway. Or Newcastle or Liverpool for bigger and further afield.
posted by plonkee at 2:03 PM on November 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
I really think you need to see a spine doctor or PT. Lower back and leg pain can be a slipped disc and be serious.
Also every single thing you describe is a symptom of prenicious anemia/ low B12. Reflux, panic attacks, apine pain, neuropathy, low mood, headaches... Have it tested before you supplement though.
posted by fshgrl at 2:48 PM on November 28, 2019
Also every single thing you describe is a symptom of prenicious anemia/ low B12. Reflux, panic attacks, apine pain, neuropathy, low mood, headaches... Have it tested before you supplement though.
posted by fshgrl at 2:48 PM on November 28, 2019
I was going to come in a while back and suggest internal comms, but then I thought maybe I'd just got lucky with my job. But since plonkee has suggested it, I'll second it. My job involves both internal and external comms: The internal is basically pushing out good news stories about our work to our members, informing them of any changes in the way we work etc. Very low stress, generally, and some flexible working, which improves my quality of life a lot. I think I've also found a bit of a sweet spot in working for an organisation that sits between public and private sectors - we have the ability to do things quickly if we want to (unlike a lot of public sector jobs) but without the crushing focus on targets, measurement and competition that can be a part of the private sector. Of course YMMV, it might be possible to end up with the reverse combination, but I've had a couple of quango-ish jobs and they've both had the same advantages (so, basically agencies that get at least some public funding, but are outside government).
I was also going to leap in and say 'leave London' even before I'd got that far in your question - so much of what you describe sounds like London-itis. I'd humbly suggest Scotland, which does feel distinctly less divided and more compassionate, but if the weather/darkness is a factor in your mood disorder, take that into account (I deal with SAD, but the civility of life here and the ability to get outdoors into the wilds more easily makes it worth it).
posted by penguin pie at 5:51 AM on November 29, 2019
I was also going to leap in and say 'leave London' even before I'd got that far in your question - so much of what you describe sounds like London-itis. I'd humbly suggest Scotland, which does feel distinctly less divided and more compassionate, but if the weather/darkness is a factor in your mood disorder, take that into account (I deal with SAD, but the civility of life here and the ability to get outdoors into the wilds more easily makes it worth it).
posted by penguin pie at 5:51 AM on November 29, 2019
Best answer: You've gotten some great advice re work options for the future.
I just wanted to say, you sound exhausted and drained, and it doesn't surprise me that you are unhappy, given all you have been faced with over the past 2 years. As part of your self-healing plan, I would strongly suggest you incorporate something that you find replenishes you. That could be anything. For me, it is seeing friends, getting sunlight, eating lots of delicious food, and watching relaxing TV and movies. I feel like those of us who are stuck in big cities get caught up in this sense that every moment that we spend not being actively productive is wasted. Even 'self-care' has to be productive these days. But where do you get the energy to be productive from? From activities that replenish you, recharge you, leave you feeling happy and relaxed, not drained.
Also, read Emotional Agility by Susan David.
I wanted to add that your question struck a deep chord in me. I almost wondered if I knew you in person because so much of what you wrote was familiar to me from my conversations with my friends and of course my own life experience. I hope you find what you are looking for. Best of luck.
posted by unicorn chaser at 7:26 AM on November 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
I just wanted to say, you sound exhausted and drained, and it doesn't surprise me that you are unhappy, given all you have been faced with over the past 2 years. As part of your self-healing plan, I would strongly suggest you incorporate something that you find replenishes you. That could be anything. For me, it is seeing friends, getting sunlight, eating lots of delicious food, and watching relaxing TV and movies. I feel like those of us who are stuck in big cities get caught up in this sense that every moment that we spend not being actively productive is wasted. Even 'self-care' has to be productive these days. But where do you get the energy to be productive from? From activities that replenish you, recharge you, leave you feeling happy and relaxed, not drained.
Also, read Emotional Agility by Susan David.
I wanted to add that your question struck a deep chord in me. I almost wondered if I knew you in person because so much of what you wrote was familiar to me from my conversations with my friends and of course my own life experience. I hope you find what you are looking for. Best of luck.
posted by unicorn chaser at 7:26 AM on November 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you so much for all your thoughtful replies. Sorry it took a while to respond, I had to take some time away.
posted by foxmardou at 5:09 AM on January 22, 2020
posted by foxmardou at 5:09 AM on January 22, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by catspajammies at 9:06 AM on November 28, 2019 [2 favorites]