All of the places I trust to provide comfort and security, in any form, are imploding. I've already been existing in coping mode; what can I do now (particularly day-to-day)?
The past few months have been difficult, but the past week or so has been hell. I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with the changes around me -- especially since they're happening when I need support the most.
Crashing and burning for the last two years. Parents' marriage is zombie-like; both parents are severely depressed and on another planet, as well as in serious financial straits.
I work for a state university. Reorgs make everyone rush around like chickens with their heads cut off, and my already-difficult job got even more difficult to negotiate. I can't find anyone to either tell me what I need to do or stick up for me.
My boss and mentor, who had run our department for 33 years, was informed that her job was disappearing. She's still here, because others have quit, but the surrogate family I had (yeah, I know it's not ideal, but we take what we can get)
is gone. I can still talk to her, but she's shellshocked too. We've lost that lovin' feeling.
I can't concentrate (see above, plus ADD), and the quality of my work has gone into the shitter. Job searching has already been very difficult before that. (My bosses are references; my position is a temporary one that can theoretically be renewed for another year.) Oh, and our governor
is not helping.
The biggest stress is just a sort of third-life crisis. I'm trying to plan a wedding for the early fall. Most of the arrangements have been made, and the event itself doesn't faze me (hey, we've done it before!), but it brings up a lot of fear about providing for a family and being a good spouse... which all of this other stuff doesn't help. Postponing or cancelling the wedding wouldn't fix this.
I'm essentially hibernating. I go straight home, watch TV and surf. I can't bring myself to get out and go to some sort of exercise thing because (aside from hating it) I'm exhausted and don't want to be on my own in a crowd.
I have friends, but very few close ones (in town). I feel like I don't matter to people (which is becoming more of an issue as others around me also back into a self-protective hole), so I don't trust interactions with anyone but my partner. Which is ALSO dangerous, because a) I don't want to drain him and our relationship, and b) what if something happens to him?
Why yes, I AM in therapy! It's a newer setup, though, so we're still getting to know each other. I am also taking an antidepressant and an ADD medication. Last week my psychiatrist and I decided to switch to a lower dose of Vyvanse instead of upping my Effexor, hoping that that might reduce some of the anxiety, but perhaps that wasn't the way to go.
My self-awareness has been a double-edged sword. Until this week, it felt like depression symptoms without the despair. But now I'm not so sure. I know it gets worse before it gets better, and somehow I'm still optimistic... but owwwww.