I don't like my husband's dog. She doesn't think much of me either.
March 5, 2019 9:15 PM Subscribe
Despite my affection for animals, I am having a hard time living with my husband's dog, and with all of the attendant work she necessitates. Maybe you can help me reconsider my expectations, or, even better, give me some practical advice on sharing a house with a dog I don't like?
Back story: Husband has wanted a hunting dog for a long time. His buddies have dogs, and he wanted one too, and did all of the legwork of lining up a good prospect. He came to me and I said yes, with the caveat that I wanted nothing to do with this dog. I made it clear that this was going to be his dog, including all vet visits, puke clean-up, walkies, feeding, etc. All of it. Because I already had a dog. New dog arrived trained, but not really...socialized, and my husband and kids assured me that they had everything under control.
Then my dog was killed. Because the electric fence had failed, and my husband had not gotten it working again despite my repeated requests over more than a year to Fix. The. Fucking. Fence.
Now we have this other dog. And the kids don't walk her or feed her without being reminded. They fight about who does nighttime walkies. They can't just let her run because there is No. Fucking. Fence. (It's been snowy, but still.) The dog has taken to peeing in the house. And pooping in the house. Clean-up of accidents is sub-par, and there's always a fight about whose turn it is to deal with it. My husband isn't around for long stretches, and other than a once-a-week outing, doesn't really do much with her (in fairness, she is kind of a lump. Like she doesn't move much.). I have stuck to my boundaries on this one, and the result is a bored dog, snippy kids, a smelly spot on the carpet--and my own silent but mounting anger that everything I worried about going wrong, has.
You need to understand here: I like animals. I will stuff nearly-dead piglets under my shirt so they live, I will chase after livestock that gets loose, I have more cats than I can shake a litter scoop at, and I am not afraid of the work involved in their life cycles. But I have hit my limit. I do not interact with this dog, and she has begun to growl at me if I look at her for more than a second or two.
This is a question about the dog. Also about parenting, and marriage deals, and boundaries, and the people I love best in the world ignoring or pushing back against mild-but-sensible requests ("She's pacing by the door. Would you please take her out on a leash?") and having hissy fits about doing what they had originally promised to do, and about how to feel about extra work I explicitly rejected. I don't want this animal to suffer (she doesn't. She looks very cozy on couch and bed.). I want my husband to have a thing that makes him happy, and giving her up would certainly make him lose face with his friends. But I am losing my mind, and I am really angry, and I do not know what to do. If she's here to stay, how do I adjust? How do I address this with my husband? How do I keep my temper over the poop pile? How do I not yell after the fourth or fifth time I have asked my kids to feed/walk the dog? For the record: I will not come to love her.
Back story: Husband has wanted a hunting dog for a long time. His buddies have dogs, and he wanted one too, and did all of the legwork of lining up a good prospect. He came to me and I said yes, with the caveat that I wanted nothing to do with this dog. I made it clear that this was going to be his dog, including all vet visits, puke clean-up, walkies, feeding, etc. All of it. Because I already had a dog. New dog arrived trained, but not really...socialized, and my husband and kids assured me that they had everything under control.
Then my dog was killed. Because the electric fence had failed, and my husband had not gotten it working again despite my repeated requests over more than a year to Fix. The. Fucking. Fence.
Now we have this other dog. And the kids don't walk her or feed her without being reminded. They fight about who does nighttime walkies. They can't just let her run because there is No. Fucking. Fence. (It's been snowy, but still.) The dog has taken to peeing in the house. And pooping in the house. Clean-up of accidents is sub-par, and there's always a fight about whose turn it is to deal with it. My husband isn't around for long stretches, and other than a once-a-week outing, doesn't really do much with her (in fairness, she is kind of a lump. Like she doesn't move much.). I have stuck to my boundaries on this one, and the result is a bored dog, snippy kids, a smelly spot on the carpet--and my own silent but mounting anger that everything I worried about going wrong, has.
You need to understand here: I like animals. I will stuff nearly-dead piglets under my shirt so they live, I will chase after livestock that gets loose, I have more cats than I can shake a litter scoop at, and I am not afraid of the work involved in their life cycles. But I have hit my limit. I do not interact with this dog, and she has begun to growl at me if I look at her for more than a second or two.
This is a question about the dog. Also about parenting, and marriage deals, and boundaries, and the people I love best in the world ignoring or pushing back against mild-but-sensible requests ("She's pacing by the door. Would you please take her out on a leash?") and having hissy fits about doing what they had originally promised to do, and about how to feel about extra work I explicitly rejected. I don't want this animal to suffer (she doesn't. She looks very cozy on couch and bed.). I want my husband to have a thing that makes him happy, and giving her up would certainly make him lose face with his friends. But I am losing my mind, and I am really angry, and I do not know what to do. If she's here to stay, how do I adjust? How do I address this with my husband? How do I keep my temper over the poop pile? How do I not yell after the fourth or fifth time I have asked my kids to feed/walk the dog? For the record: I will not come to love her.
And by "take care of her" I don't mean, "Resentfully make her feel like a burden." Just... she's a dog, she can't take care of herself. The problem is not hers; it's your husband's. Don't take it out on the dog.
posted by lazuli at 9:22 PM on March 5, 2019 [26 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 9:22 PM on March 5, 2019 [26 favorites]
I think it would be fair to have a talk with your husband where you said "This is not working for me. Either you start looking after your dog, or we need to rehome her."
posted by Murderbot at 9:22 PM on March 5, 2019 [134 favorites]
posted by Murderbot at 9:22 PM on March 5, 2019 [134 favorites]
I’m so sorry about your dog dying. That’s really awful, and it sounds like you have a lot of anger about that. Is it possible you’re taking out your anger and grief about your dog’s death on this new dog? It’s not her fault. But I’m guessing this is the first animal you’ve never loved so I think it’s worth thinking about if you’re also projecting your anger at your husband onto the poor thing.
How old are your kids? How much would it cost to pay someone to fix the fence? How much would it cost to hire a dog walker?
Do you want to be right or do you want to fix these problems? Are you in therapy?
You know this isn’t about the new dog, right?
posted by bluedaisy at 9:24 PM on March 5, 2019 [80 favorites]
How old are your kids? How much would it cost to pay someone to fix the fence? How much would it cost to hire a dog walker?
Do you want to be right or do you want to fix these problems? Are you in therapy?
You know this isn’t about the new dog, right?
posted by bluedaisy at 9:24 PM on March 5, 2019 [80 favorites]
I would write up a very clear list including things like:
Electric fence
Walks twice a day
No more than one inside accident per month
No complaining or fighting about looking after dog.
etc etc
And then I would say, if you can't meet this list in eight weeks, the dog is getting rehomed. If you're complaining about meeting it now because you don't care enough, the dog is getting rehomed now.
Tell the family the ball is in their court and that they are not meeting their responsibilities to you, not the dog.
posted by smoke at 9:27 PM on March 5, 2019 [108 favorites]
Electric fence
Walks twice a day
No more than one inside accident per month
No complaining or fighting about looking after dog.
etc etc
And then I would say, if you can't meet this list in eight weeks, the dog is getting rehomed. If you're complaining about meeting it now because you don't care enough, the dog is getting rehomed now.
Tell the family the ball is in their court and that they are not meeting their responsibilities to you, not the dog.
posted by smoke at 9:27 PM on March 5, 2019 [108 favorites]
Animals, especially social animals like dogs, should be in homes where they get to enjoy lots of socialization and play and love.
People, especially women who tend to end up with the short end of the emotional labor stick, should not have to have responsibilities thrust on them that they explicitly said they didn't want and set boundaries about them. Unwalked dog that is going to the bathroom in the house is waaaaay over the boundary line.
You need to find a time when you are not angry (not five minutes after finding fresh poop) to sit down with your husband and discuss all of your feelings. Use lots of "I" statements (I feel like my boundaries are not being respected as opposed to "you" statements (you suck for not taking care of your dog). Ask your husband to suggest some possible solutions for making sure the dog is walked, socialized, and not bored that don't involve you and recognize that he doesn't have the time to do the work and disciplining the kids over this is falling to you (another bit of emotional labor you didn't ask for). Ask him what should happen if these solutions don't work in a reasonable amount of time. He needs to solve this problem that he created.
But really, I think you should work towards rehoming the dog.
posted by brookeb at 9:31 PM on March 5, 2019 [19 favorites]
People, especially women who tend to end up with the short end of the emotional labor stick, should not have to have responsibilities thrust on them that they explicitly said they didn't want and set boundaries about them. Unwalked dog that is going to the bathroom in the house is waaaaay over the boundary line.
You need to find a time when you are not angry (not five minutes after finding fresh poop) to sit down with your husband and discuss all of your feelings. Use lots of "I" statements (I feel like my boundaries are not being respected as opposed to "you" statements (you suck for not taking care of your dog). Ask your husband to suggest some possible solutions for making sure the dog is walked, socialized, and not bored that don't involve you and recognize that he doesn't have the time to do the work and disciplining the kids over this is falling to you (another bit of emotional labor you didn't ask for). Ask him what should happen if these solutions don't work in a reasonable amount of time. He needs to solve this problem that he created.
But really, I think you should work towards rehoming the dog.
posted by brookeb at 9:31 PM on March 5, 2019 [19 favorites]
You have to take care of the dog. You have to take care of animals, it's morally wrong not to give then a good life, including not making them pee in the house or be bored or neglected.
HOWEVER you do NOT have to do shit for your husband and kids beyond the basics. Want to go to practice? Tough. Want a ride to a friends or husband wants a ride to the airport? Sorry, I'm busy cleaning up after the dog. All day. Find someone else. Need some cash or me to pay for a school trip or a vacation? Oh hey, I spent all mine on a dog walker and carpet cleaning. And getting the fence fixed, sorry. Basically they get nothing from you beyond basic food and a roof until they shape the fuck up. There we be tears but hey guess what? Tears cost more! Now I can't give you cash or a ride anywhere for two extra days!
You say the dog is already trained so time to train the kids and husband. Then they can decide if they really want the dog or not.
posted by fshgrl at 9:44 PM on March 5, 2019 [53 favorites]
HOWEVER you do NOT have to do shit for your husband and kids beyond the basics. Want to go to practice? Tough. Want a ride to a friends or husband wants a ride to the airport? Sorry, I'm busy cleaning up after the dog. All day. Find someone else. Need some cash or me to pay for a school trip or a vacation? Oh hey, I spent all mine on a dog walker and carpet cleaning. And getting the fence fixed, sorry. Basically they get nothing from you beyond basic food and a roof until they shape the fuck up. There we be tears but hey guess what? Tears cost more! Now I can't give you cash or a ride anywhere for two extra days!
You say the dog is already trained so time to train the kids and husband. Then they can decide if they really want the dog or not.
posted by fshgrl at 9:44 PM on March 5, 2019 [53 favorites]
Hunting dogs need to do some kind of work (nearly) every day to remain happy and healthy. What the work is varies by dog. Sometimes it’s finding things sometimes it’s chasing things and sometimes it’s scent tracking or agility.
This dog is definitely not getting the baseline of exercise and fresh air, much less work opportunities. The dog can tell it’s a disappointment and the dog can tell you’re having big feelings. The dog has no idea how to fix this because absolutely every person in a home has to be on board with socializing a dog for it to be successful. If the dog has been giving you potty time signals and not getting taken out the dog has learned that potty time signals are erratically responsed to and may be giving up on that pattern.
The kids can tell too and we know for damn sure that your husband already knows.
Sadly the conversation at this point needs to be about the dog going to live on a different farm and your husband has work to do to repair your marital relationship. And much of that work is going to need to be led and managed by you, if I know anything at all about hetero relationships.
For you, I’d start with reading all of John and Julie Gottman’s work about romantic relationships AND their work about parent child relationships because a huge part of what’s happening here is modeling healthy relationships for your kids. This is bigger than the dog. I’d bet money you’re the primary pig and turkey chaser every time one gets loose and at best you get help. I’d also bet there’s one person scooping cat poop. If I’m right, that all might need to change.
Whatever order you do all of this in, the dog has to go. This is not a healthy environment for the dog or you or your kids. You might extract more promises about who will care for the dog and when and how but that ship has already sailed. The dog is not being loved by your husband and kids because love is a verb. You have absolutely no obligation to love this dog.
posted by bilabial at 9:53 PM on March 5, 2019 [34 favorites]
This dog is definitely not getting the baseline of exercise and fresh air, much less work opportunities. The dog can tell it’s a disappointment and the dog can tell you’re having big feelings. The dog has no idea how to fix this because absolutely every person in a home has to be on board with socializing a dog for it to be successful. If the dog has been giving you potty time signals and not getting taken out the dog has learned that potty time signals are erratically responsed to and may be giving up on that pattern.
The kids can tell too and we know for damn sure that your husband already knows.
Sadly the conversation at this point needs to be about the dog going to live on a different farm and your husband has work to do to repair your marital relationship. And much of that work is going to need to be led and managed by you, if I know anything at all about hetero relationships.
For you, I’d start with reading all of John and Julie Gottman’s work about romantic relationships AND their work about parent child relationships because a huge part of what’s happening here is modeling healthy relationships for your kids. This is bigger than the dog. I’d bet money you’re the primary pig and turkey chaser every time one gets loose and at best you get help. I’d also bet there’s one person scooping cat poop. If I’m right, that all might need to change.
Whatever order you do all of this in, the dog has to go. This is not a healthy environment for the dog or you or your kids. You might extract more promises about who will care for the dog and when and how but that ship has already sailed. The dog is not being loved by your husband and kids because love is a verb. You have absolutely no obligation to love this dog.
posted by bilabial at 9:53 PM on March 5, 2019 [34 favorites]
Your kids can learn to be better caregivers but not if dad is showing them by example that they don't have to. Rehome the dog asap. I wouldn't go eight weeks. I would say two weeks, and I'd put your effort into finding a good home for the dog. I would be pissed at your husband, not the kids. He let down your agreement - his dog, his job to get the kids on board for their share, not yours. Major fuck-up, and especially when you are grieving your loss of your dog.
Frankly, I would go and get a puppy from a shelter that you wanted, and get the fence repaired so you can have your own damn dog and just do your own damn thing and tell him if he brings home a dog again, you will rehome that dog immediately because he screwed up his chance so spectacularly. This isn't him dragging his feet over household chores, this is over a living animal.
fshgrrl's strategy is excellent if you have the emotional willpower left to do it. Otherwise, just bite the bullet and rehome.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 10:43 PM on March 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
Frankly, I would go and get a puppy from a shelter that you wanted, and get the fence repaired so you can have your own damn dog and just do your own damn thing and tell him if he brings home a dog again, you will rehome that dog immediately because he screwed up his chance so spectacularly. This isn't him dragging his feet over household chores, this is over a living animal.
fshgrrl's strategy is excellent if you have the emotional willpower left to do it. Otherwise, just bite the bullet and rehome.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 10:43 PM on March 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
Ugh. Such a lot of emotional labour to even have to write this question and ponder the next steps.
I’d just get a list of new homing agencies for working dogs - hunting dog Facebook groups near you, local vet recommendation say and put it on the dining table at a soonish family meal time. Deep breath, calm authoritative attitude, factual delivery, and say what you’ve said here:
we don’t have an environment for a dog (no fence)
we don’t have reliable and committed carers for the dog
we are not providing the dog a good home as he is unsocialised and unworked (working dogs need jobs, if you don’t want to work *with a particular species* every day, then choose a different pet species, or different pet hobbies, or do hobby without this particular needful pet species involved)
we don’t have owners ready to clean up properly after their pet and repair or replace rugs/furniture ruined by their pet;
And most importantly - we have family disunity about this pet because this situation is unfair to me, who has now been drawn into a situation I explicitly described as outside my remit. This situation is making me unhappy and angry and this needs fixing- (calm voice, it’s just a fact)
I’d tell them all that the rehoming is happening. Because they’ll want a week to show you they can change, or a month. But they’ll fake it and you’ll be back here and renegotiating forever.
They’ve *already* done the probation and they’re repeatedly ignoring you.
You’ve already nagged.
You’ve already cleaned up.
You’ve already laid out the conditions of having the hunting dog added to the household, and your co founding adult and children have ignored you. (Grr)
Your feelings about being disrespected are part of the conversation, and that is a major contributor to why the rehoming is happening.
I have seen this situation play out many times. Each time the dog was re-homed in a far better environment and lived a happy life. The former owners moved on from the sad or guilty feeling at the departure of their inadequately cared for pet, and they were happier too. It doesn’t mean relinquishing people are bad. They are good for recognising that the pet needs a better home to give it a better life.
This is the Consequences part of life choices. Everybody knew who in the household was opting in on this hunting dog, because everyone was clear. This choice unfortunately hasn’t worked out.
posted by honey-barbara at 12:16 AM on March 6, 2019 [67 favorites]
I’d just get a list of new homing agencies for working dogs - hunting dog Facebook groups near you, local vet recommendation say and put it on the dining table at a soonish family meal time. Deep breath, calm authoritative attitude, factual delivery, and say what you’ve said here:
we don’t have an environment for a dog (no fence)
we don’t have reliable and committed carers for the dog
we are not providing the dog a good home as he is unsocialised and unworked (working dogs need jobs, if you don’t want to work *with a particular species* every day, then choose a different pet species, or different pet hobbies, or do hobby without this particular needful pet species involved)
we don’t have owners ready to clean up properly after their pet and repair or replace rugs/furniture ruined by their pet;
And most importantly - we have family disunity about this pet because this situation is unfair to me, who has now been drawn into a situation I explicitly described as outside my remit. This situation is making me unhappy and angry and this needs fixing- (calm voice, it’s just a fact)
I’d tell them all that the rehoming is happening. Because they’ll want a week to show you they can change, or a month. But they’ll fake it and you’ll be back here and renegotiating forever.
They’ve *already* done the probation and they’re repeatedly ignoring you.
You’ve already nagged.
You’ve already cleaned up.
You’ve already laid out the conditions of having the hunting dog added to the household, and your co founding adult and children have ignored you. (Grr)
Your feelings about being disrespected are part of the conversation, and that is a major contributor to why the rehoming is happening.
I have seen this situation play out many times. Each time the dog was re-homed in a far better environment and lived a happy life. The former owners moved on from the sad or guilty feeling at the departure of their inadequately cared for pet, and they were happier too. It doesn’t mean relinquishing people are bad. They are good for recognising that the pet needs a better home to give it a better life.
This is the Consequences part of life choices. Everybody knew who in the household was opting in on this hunting dog, because everyone was clear. This choice unfortunately hasn’t worked out.
posted by honey-barbara at 12:16 AM on March 6, 2019 [67 favorites]
My sister went through this. Eventually she told her husband it was her or the dog and she wasn’t kidding. The dog ended up at a farm (seriously, it was a cattle dog that should never have been cooped up in a suburban backyard) and everyone was happier.
As far as you’re concerned, I wouldn’t even bother having that endless discussion about what he needs to do, you all know that will never happen. Find the dog a home, tell your husband just before the new owner comes to pick it up so he can say goodbye. And if you think this is a betrayal, well, it’s far less than the lack of respect he’s shown you. Actions have consequences and you and the dog deserve better.
posted by Jubey at 1:15 AM on March 6, 2019 [6 favorites]
As far as you’re concerned, I wouldn’t even bother having that endless discussion about what he needs to do, you all know that will never happen. Find the dog a home, tell your husband just before the new owner comes to pick it up so he can say goodbye. And if you think this is a betrayal, well, it’s far less than the lack of respect he’s shown you. Actions have consequences and you and the dog deserve better.
posted by Jubey at 1:15 AM on March 6, 2019 [6 favorites]
I should also add that two things you said disturbed me, one) that your husband is concerned about losing face amongst his friends if he gives the dog up but for some reason has zero fucks to give about breaking his wife’s heart over allowing her own dog to die or disrespecting her with dumping the care of this animal on her. And two) you now have a probably quite large dog you are around all day, that actively hates you and growls at you and no one is concerned about this or your safety? That alone would make me rehome the dog let alone the myriad of other issues. Why isn’t he worried about that?
posted by Jubey at 1:24 AM on March 6, 2019 [98 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 1:24 AM on March 6, 2019 [98 favorites]
I’m bothered by the fact that your husband doesn’t seem to care about the dog, other than as a status symbol with his friends. I think you should rehome the dog. She deserves someone who loves her.
posted by Weeping_angel at 1:54 AM on March 6, 2019 [26 favorites]
posted by Weeping_angel at 1:54 AM on March 6, 2019 [26 favorites]
I agree with others that this is a people problem before it is a dog problem; the dog is caught in the miasma generated by the frankly shitty (though not unusual) behaviour of his carers.
Don’t have a lot to add, but wanted to add a couple of things:
1. The fact that your husband would lose face in front of his friends seems to play a big role in your feelings about this. I would try to convince you to not allow this any weight when you discuss with him beyond your faith in husband that he will be able to deal with this emotion when it arises. Even if this involves talking it over with you, that’s fine! We all deal with embarrassment from time to time and it IS helpful if a loved one helps to build us up after an embarrassing episode, but, since we are adults, we all take the lead in managing this and other feelings we have. At the moment, and to some extent, in your own heart and your own thoughts, you are prioritizing his embarrassment over your and your family’s wellbeing. There is no need for you to do that (BTW, this is something a LOT of us do – personally, I have been raised like this – my parents even slight discomfort absolutely trumped my own fundamental needs. It’s a habit that keeps creeping in).
2. You don’t say how old your kids are so it’s difficult to say anything here, particularly since getting them on board should have been part of your husband’s effort. However, just objectively speaking, they have shown that they are not mature enough to behave responsibly in this situation – and this includes negotiating between themselves who does what when. I’d let them know this is the case and also tell them that their immaturity will have consequences in other areas of their lives. Again, I don’t know how old they are, but kids of all ages have age-appropriate areas where they explore for the first time. For which they are assumed to now possibly be responsible enough – turns out they are not!
I think if the humans involved had acted like responsible adults who actually care about another creature’s wellbeing you would not have had this tension between yourself and this dog.
Honestly, at this point the only way they could show themselves to be respectful of both yourself and the dog would be to give him up. It’s unrealistic to expect that three people will change radically overnight. Any change, if it happens at all, will be gradual and will come too late for the dog, your own wellbeing, and a non-adversarial relationship between yourself and the dog.
I’d focus on healing the rift to the relationship between yourself & husband and on parenting the children.
posted by doggod at 3:02 AM on March 6, 2019 [9 favorites]
Don’t have a lot to add, but wanted to add a couple of things:
1. The fact that your husband would lose face in front of his friends seems to play a big role in your feelings about this. I would try to convince you to not allow this any weight when you discuss with him beyond your faith in husband that he will be able to deal with this emotion when it arises. Even if this involves talking it over with you, that’s fine! We all deal with embarrassment from time to time and it IS helpful if a loved one helps to build us up after an embarrassing episode, but, since we are adults, we all take the lead in managing this and other feelings we have. At the moment, and to some extent, in your own heart and your own thoughts, you are prioritizing his embarrassment over your and your family’s wellbeing. There is no need for you to do that (BTW, this is something a LOT of us do – personally, I have been raised like this – my parents even slight discomfort absolutely trumped my own fundamental needs. It’s a habit that keeps creeping in).
2. You don’t say how old your kids are so it’s difficult to say anything here, particularly since getting them on board should have been part of your husband’s effort. However, just objectively speaking, they have shown that they are not mature enough to behave responsibly in this situation – and this includes negotiating between themselves who does what when. I’d let them know this is the case and also tell them that their immaturity will have consequences in other areas of their lives. Again, I don’t know how old they are, but kids of all ages have age-appropriate areas where they explore for the first time. For which they are assumed to now possibly be responsible enough – turns out they are not!
I think if the humans involved had acted like responsible adults who actually care about another creature’s wellbeing you would not have had this tension between yourself and this dog.
Honestly, at this point the only way they could show themselves to be respectful of both yourself and the dog would be to give him up. It’s unrealistic to expect that three people will change radically overnight. Any change, if it happens at all, will be gradual and will come too late for the dog, your own wellbeing, and a non-adversarial relationship between yourself and the dog.
I’d focus on healing the rift to the relationship between yourself & husband and on parenting the children.
posted by doggod at 3:02 AM on March 6, 2019 [9 favorites]
I can't conceive of thinking of "your dog" and "my dog". from the beginning getting this dog was set up for failure. I know people are talking about emotional labour but any living creature in a home is entitled to love and care from each household member. I've looked after many pets in situations where it made my life more difficult. I still gave them love. and for my current cat who I got over 12 years ago and didn't warm up to right away (she was a nightmare to me and my other cat), I learned that me not giving her extra attention was turning her into an aggressive cat. I gave her more attention and she didn't become an easy cat as she has so much cattitude, but it made her much happier.
This dog is already being significantly damaged. likely this dog needs to be rehomed and I agree with other posters that the dog is emblematic of other issues, but in the interim, emotional labour or not, step up and show this living creature kindness.
posted by biggreenplant at 3:19 AM on March 6, 2019 [14 favorites]
This dog is already being significantly damaged. likely this dog needs to be rehomed and I agree with other posters that the dog is emblematic of other issues, but in the interim, emotional labour or not, step up and show this living creature kindness.
posted by biggreenplant at 3:19 AM on March 6, 2019 [14 favorites]
I can feel your heartbreak and overwhelming frustration through your post. And I know the deep chores and children exhaustion.
But I have to tell you...first, call a handyman about the fence. If you have to sell something of your husband’s to pay the guy and still feel okay about life, then do so. But your dog didn’t die because your husband didn’t fix the fence. Your dog died because the two adults in the house jointly did not get the fence fixed. And yes, you should have had a partner in that. And your husband is a jerk to not fix the fence, resulting in your dog’s death, and then get a dog like his buddies’ without having worked through the feelings with you and fixed the goddamn fence.
But, the fence needs to be fixed so this dog doesn’t become adoptable. You are the other adult in the situation. And also because you asked how to heal your situation. Well, hating the dog instead of your husband is modelling animal cruelty for your kids. You have two options you can control. You can give the dog away, or you can do what needs to be done for the dog. I am letting the kids a bit off the hook here because I get why they are confused in this situation, and because their behaviour is kid-normal especially if their dad won’t step up.
You can’t make your husband act better. I’m assuming you have already had 246612 talks about the fence, the poop, the heartbreak, the kids, etc. He cares more about his buddies’ opinion than yours right now. That’s stunning and awful. That he got another dog, that you both have his and her pets, that there’s a symbolic and real broken fence and literal shit on the floor is awful. I do not think you should or can feel better about that until something changes. The simple thing is to rehome the dog. The less simple thing would be to let the dog into your family and take care of it, yes, you doing it, while you sort things out with your spouse. The marriage...I dunno man. But hating the dog because of your spouse is toxic for everyone including you.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:11 AM on March 6, 2019 [43 favorites]
But I have to tell you...first, call a handyman about the fence. If you have to sell something of your husband’s to pay the guy and still feel okay about life, then do so. But your dog didn’t die because your husband didn’t fix the fence. Your dog died because the two adults in the house jointly did not get the fence fixed. And yes, you should have had a partner in that. And your husband is a jerk to not fix the fence, resulting in your dog’s death, and then get a dog like his buddies’ without having worked through the feelings with you and fixed the goddamn fence.
But, the fence needs to be fixed so this dog doesn’t become adoptable. You are the other adult in the situation. And also because you asked how to heal your situation. Well, hating the dog instead of your husband is modelling animal cruelty for your kids. You have two options you can control. You can give the dog away, or you can do what needs to be done for the dog. I am letting the kids a bit off the hook here because I get why they are confused in this situation, and because their behaviour is kid-normal especially if their dad won’t step up.
You can’t make your husband act better. I’m assuming you have already had 246612 talks about the fence, the poop, the heartbreak, the kids, etc. He cares more about his buddies’ opinion than yours right now. That’s stunning and awful. That he got another dog, that you both have his and her pets, that there’s a symbolic and real broken fence and literal shit on the floor is awful. I do not think you should or can feel better about that until something changes. The simple thing is to rehome the dog. The less simple thing would be to let the dog into your family and take care of it, yes, you doing it, while you sort things out with your spouse. The marriage...I dunno man. But hating the dog because of your spouse is toxic for everyone including you.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:11 AM on March 6, 2019 [43 favorites]
What I did, in a roughly analogous situation, was get my own dog. My first husband had not one, but usually two or three hunting dogs at any given time. We would try to call one of them "my" dog but I found it impossible to bond with any of them. I grew up with terriers and find them more compatible, and I finally got one. I took her everywhere with me, even to work. With her, I did not feel like I was part of a pack in which I was not the alpha and probably not even the beta. Now, she adored one or two of the other dogs, so I was able to take more ownership over them too. But that part was just luck.
With that having been said, my husband was not really a good dog owner. He was passionate about dogs, and they had an enjoyable life in the day to day, but he kept having fuckups with them. He would get very upset and contrite and I would think it wouldn't happen again, but it did. My therapist at the time kept reminding me of that as something I should really be concerned about. I think you may be in a similar situation. Your husband sees the dog, not as an animal with the needs animals have, but as a kind of projection of his own ego. You can try putting your foot down but it sounds like he's not going to get it. I think you should rehome this dog. And/or maybe get one of your own, but make sure you and your husband get on the same page about care and safety. If you agree that you can't and that you shouldn't have pets, that could be ok too. Having pets is kind of a weird thing when you think about it and not everyone can or should do it.
posted by BibiRose at 5:10 AM on March 6, 2019 [6 favorites]
With that having been said, my husband was not really a good dog owner. He was passionate about dogs, and they had an enjoyable life in the day to day, but he kept having fuckups with them. He would get very upset and contrite and I would think it wouldn't happen again, but it did. My therapist at the time kept reminding me of that as something I should really be concerned about. I think you may be in a similar situation. Your husband sees the dog, not as an animal with the needs animals have, but as a kind of projection of his own ego. You can try putting your foot down but it sounds like he's not going to get it. I think you should rehome this dog. And/or maybe get one of your own, but make sure you and your husband get on the same page about care and safety. If you agree that you can't and that you shouldn't have pets, that could be ok too. Having pets is kind of a weird thing when you think about it and not everyone can or should do it.
posted by BibiRose at 5:10 AM on March 6, 2019 [6 favorites]
PLEASE do not bring another dog into this awful situation, even "your dog" that you will dote on!
Find a suitable home for the current dog, fix the fence, then focus on your family relationships and don't drag any more innocent animals into the situation.
posted by mccxxiii at 6:09 AM on March 6, 2019 [24 favorites]
Find a suitable home for the current dog, fix the fence, then focus on your family relationships and don't drag any more innocent animals into the situation.
posted by mccxxiii at 6:09 AM on March 6, 2019 [24 favorites]
This only makes sense if you have buckets of money to throw at the problem to make a point — that is, it almost certainly doesn’t make sense, I’m throwing it out in a spirit of brainstorming, in case it helps something less goofy occur to you. But is there a nearby kennel/dog sitter/someplace you can pay to board the dog? And could you, when the dog causes problems, drive the dog over there and leave it until your husband finds out she’s gone and picks her up?
The dog is safe and cared for, not neglected. You’re not dealing with her. And your husband knows that you regard the problem as intolerable.
posted by LizardBreath at 6:29 AM on March 6, 2019
The dog is safe and cared for, not neglected. You’re not dealing with her. And your husband knows that you regard the problem as intolerable.
posted by LizardBreath at 6:29 AM on March 6, 2019
Hey MT I think there's a lot of wisdom in the above answers that this is much more about you, your husband, your children, your boundaries, and your lack of enforcement of them, than about a dog. The dog is an innocent bystander and should be gently escorted to a place without a whole lot of systemic drama. It seems like this is an ongoing problem and so I suspect the right answer, after seeing to the needs of the dog, is you finding a counsellor who can help you identify and strengthen your boundaries.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:32 AM on March 6, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:32 AM on March 6, 2019 [7 favorites]
Ugh. I’m sorry. My first answer is to become friends with the dog, as you both need allies in the house, so it might as well be each other.
Either everyone loves the dog, or it gets rehomed to someplace where that will happen. You love and take care of animals and people, the only thing different about this particular animal is that she holds your resentment towards your husband. You know it’s not fair already. That needs to change by you refocusing that resentment back in the one who deserves it: your kinda crappy husband.
posted by MountainDaisy at 6:37 AM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
Either everyone loves the dog, or it gets rehomed to someplace where that will happen. You love and take care of animals and people, the only thing different about this particular animal is that she holds your resentment towards your husband. You know it’s not fair already. That needs to change by you refocusing that resentment back in the one who deserves it: your kinda crappy husband.
posted by MountainDaisy at 6:37 AM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
Also, this is more a comment than an answer, but that was a nasty trick your husband pulled (probably not with conscious intent, but still) making promises about how you wouldn’t have to do dog-care when he wouldn’t be around to keep them. This left you enforcing his promise against your kids, who weren’t the decision makers and didn’t make the promise.
In working out ultimate solutions, I’d be consciously watching for this dynamic — if he tells you something is going to happen, focus on whether it is something that he is practically capable of making happen.
posted by LizardBreath at 6:40 AM on March 6, 2019 [21 favorites]
In working out ultimate solutions, I’d be consciously watching for this dynamic — if he tells you something is going to happen, focus on whether it is something that he is practically capable of making happen.
posted by LizardBreath at 6:40 AM on March 6, 2019 [21 favorites]
Do you not like the dog, or do you not like your husband?
posted by Automocar at 6:54 AM on March 6, 2019 [23 favorites]
posted by Automocar at 6:54 AM on March 6, 2019 [23 favorites]
When he got this dog, your husband made a commitment he knew he couldn't - and wouldn't - be able to honor. He didn't care. He didn't care, because he's accustomed to not being around and leaving you with the responsibility of the house and the kids. Adding a dog to your responsibilities doubtless didn't seem like that big of deal to him.
He didn't want the dog as a pet, he wanted it as a status symbol. An object. So, he's not the best person for this dog.
IOW, he let you down, and he let the dog down, too. As others have noted, this dog needs work beyond the exercise the kids could be giving it. It's best to rehome the dog.
I'd start that process before having the conversation with the husband and the kids. Make it clear that this is not negotiable. You agreed to the dog, the promises were broken, the time is up.
And make it absolutely clear: You are the parent with the primary responsibility, so you have the final say with matters of the household. And that, incidentally, means you should also look into getting the electric fence fixed, since your husband has abdicated his responsibilities.
This sounds harsh and I'm sorry, but it seems to me that your husband's role in the family is more akin to that of an occasional guest than of a member of the family, with all of its attendant responsibilities and duties of care.
posted by Lunaloon at 7:13 AM on March 6, 2019 [14 favorites]
He didn't want the dog as a pet, he wanted it as a status symbol. An object. So, he's not the best person for this dog.
IOW, he let you down, and he let the dog down, too. As others have noted, this dog needs work beyond the exercise the kids could be giving it. It's best to rehome the dog.
I'd start that process before having the conversation with the husband and the kids. Make it clear that this is not negotiable. You agreed to the dog, the promises were broken, the time is up.
And make it absolutely clear: You are the parent with the primary responsibility, so you have the final say with matters of the household. And that, incidentally, means you should also look into getting the electric fence fixed, since your husband has abdicated his responsibilities.
This sounds harsh and I'm sorry, but it seems to me that your husband's role in the family is more akin to that of an occasional guest than of a member of the family, with all of its attendant responsibilities and duties of care.
posted by Lunaloon at 7:13 AM on March 6, 2019 [14 favorites]
giving her up would certainly make him lose face with his friends.
I hope that typing that out in the bold light of the screen so God and everyone here can see it, has helped YOU see how much of a non-consideration that is. What matters here is your needs, your family harmony, and the dog's welfare, in that order. None of those considerations support keeping this poor dog.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:36 AM on March 6, 2019 [29 favorites]
I hope that typing that out in the bold light of the screen so God and everyone here can see it, has helped YOU see how much of a non-consideration that is. What matters here is your needs, your family harmony, and the dog's welfare, in that order. None of those considerations support keeping this poor dog.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:36 AM on March 6, 2019 [29 favorites]
I'd like to add that if ANY of his friends are responsible dog owners with well trained and appropriately worked dogs, one look at this dog in action will make those friends lose respect for your husband.
People who truly work with dogs, for fun or well, work, understand what needs to be happening, and when they see what is not happening they will think less of your husband. Things might be said behind your backs but never to your faces. I promise you, people are noticing if they ever come over or see the dog in public. So if your husband tries to play the "what about my friends" card, you can tell him that any sensible dog person would support this dog being in a loving home with the proper enrichment and activity.
In fact, this friend group would be the first place I'd go for help in rehoming the dog, because ideally these are people who get it, and you can have a "face saving" family story about how it turns out your husband's travel is just too much for this particular dog.
posted by bilabial at 8:05 AM on March 6, 2019 [27 favorites]
People who truly work with dogs, for fun or well, work, understand what needs to be happening, and when they see what is not happening they will think less of your husband. Things might be said behind your backs but never to your faces. I promise you, people are noticing if they ever come over or see the dog in public. So if your husband tries to play the "what about my friends" card, you can tell him that any sensible dog person would support this dog being in a loving home with the proper enrichment and activity.
In fact, this friend group would be the first place I'd go for help in rehoming the dog, because ideally these are people who get it, and you can have a "face saving" family story about how it turns out your husband's travel is just too much for this particular dog.
posted by bilabial at 8:05 AM on March 6, 2019 [27 favorites]
When my husband can't or won't get something done he's promised to do I outsource it and have him pay for it. Happy wife happy life. If your husband doen't follow through pay the kids a fee per walk or hire a dog walker, have someone clean the fllors every week, husband pays with his fun money.
BTW, I don't get the impression at all that you are mistreating or neglecting the dog as some others imply in their repsonses. In fact, I think you care a lot about the dog and that is why your asking for advice here.
posted by waving at 8:06 AM on March 6, 2019 [4 favorites]
BTW, I don't get the impression at all that you are mistreating or neglecting the dog as some others imply in their repsonses. In fact, I think you care a lot about the dog and that is why your asking for advice here.
posted by waving at 8:06 AM on March 6, 2019 [4 favorites]
I just want to say you have good boundaries with hat you articulated clearly to everyone involved. It sucks, it now you are in the hard part of enforcing those boundaries, hopefully by rehoming the dog in the next 24 hours (or telling your husband to rehome it in 24 hours, and at the 25th hour you rehome it with a large cash donation from your husbands bank account for treats).
posted by saucysault at 8:09 AM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 8:09 AM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
Your husband sucks but you also shouldn't have to become the dog's caretaker. Yeah, it's not the animal's fault your husband and kids don't do shit but it also isn't an acceptable solution to ask you to just put everything aside to try and get this animal to like you and become responsible for everything. You didn't ask for this, you asked explicitly for not this, and there are plenty of homes where the dog can be cared for. Dude can't manage the basic responsibilities of a dog, can't fix a damn fence, ain't around. He obviously couldn't and wouldn't have a dog if you weren't around to deal with it and that's because he cannot have and does not deserve to have a dog under those conditions. Ya know, I want a pet Wallaroo but I don't have the means to provide it an adequate life so I just don't get one.
posted by GoblinHoney at 8:18 AM on March 6, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by GoblinHoney at 8:18 AM on March 6, 2019 [12 favorites]
Wow, OK...yeah. Well, losing a dog to an untimely death is shitty enough for anyone to have to deal with. This is just like way more heaped on top of that. I'd be losing my mind if I were you too.
Speaking as a husband...screw your husband's saving face. I think you'd be perfectly justified in re-homing this dog now, without talking to your husband or kids about it. Like - make the list honey-barbara recommends above, but give it to them after the fact. With the main justifier being "hey, you guys were being shitty to this dog, it was shitting everywhere because of how shitty you were being, and you're not going to do that to another animal in this house until you've demonstrated some serious behavioral change, mmmk?"
I don't think you owe anyone anything here, except maybe the dog, and that only because the people in your house that should have assumed responsibility for it haven't. Find it a better home and then you can start to focus on a) your own grief over the loss of your dog and b) the deeper issues at play here with your selfish husband and kids.
And again, my deepest condolences on the loss of your own dog. All of this must be massively complicating on top of that.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:08 AM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
Speaking as a husband...screw your husband's saving face. I think you'd be perfectly justified in re-homing this dog now, without talking to your husband or kids about it. Like - make the list honey-barbara recommends above, but give it to them after the fact. With the main justifier being "hey, you guys were being shitty to this dog, it was shitting everywhere because of how shitty you were being, and you're not going to do that to another animal in this house until you've demonstrated some serious behavioral change, mmmk?"
I don't think you owe anyone anything here, except maybe the dog, and that only because the people in your house that should have assumed responsibility for it haven't. Find it a better home and then you can start to focus on a) your own grief over the loss of your dog and b) the deeper issues at play here with your selfish husband and kids.
And again, my deepest condolences on the loss of your own dog. All of this must be massively complicating on top of that.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:08 AM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
A lot of comments are leaning towards "just rehome the dog and tell them later," which works if everyone else in the scenario is a child. Your husband is an adult. He deserves a discussion before it happens, and you deserve to have a relationship with your husband where you don't have to be his mother.
That doesn't mean you can't hold your firm line in the discussion: you should. But rehoming the dog without a heads-up can undermine trust and potentially entrench you in the parent/enforcer role.
posted by homodachi at 11:51 AM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
That doesn't mean you can't hold your firm line in the discussion: you should. But rehoming the dog without a heads-up can undermine trust and potentially entrench you in the parent/enforcer role.
posted by homodachi at 11:51 AM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
And when I say above that "he deserves a discussion", I mean that he deserves it out of common human decency. His actions have been shitty, but it's not on you to punish him for his actions: you're not his mom, you're his partner.
I do think getting contact information for rehoming options is totally reasonable. But if they come home and the dog's not there or will disappear in 24 hours to a home you've already picked, you remove their agency to understand, come to terms with, and feel like they voluntarily fixed the situation (even though you'll be the one suggesting the fix).
posted by homodachi at 11:57 AM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
I do think getting contact information for rehoming options is totally reasonable. But if they come home and the dog's not there or will disappear in 24 hours to a home you've already picked, you remove their agency to understand, come to terms with, and feel like they voluntarily fixed the situation (even though you'll be the one suggesting the fix).
posted by homodachi at 11:57 AM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
Please note that if re-homing is the next action, start first with the place where this dog originally came from. They may ask that the dog is returned to them, rather than you seeking a new home for the dog.
Responsible breeders and rescues will often make a stipulation in the adoption agreement that any dogs be returned to them if they need to be re-homed.
posted by hydra77 at 12:02 PM on March 6, 2019 [10 favorites]
Responsible breeders and rescues will often make a stipulation in the adoption agreement that any dogs be returned to them if they need to be re-homed.
posted by hydra77 at 12:02 PM on March 6, 2019 [10 favorites]
I hate my wife's dog & the dog hates me. The dog shits and pisses all over the house. It made me really depressed for a long time until I just learned to not give a fuck. It's not a great example for the kids, but neither is walking out on the marriage because I can't compromise, and that is what it could easily have come to. So my advice is pick your battles carefully.
posted by el_presidente at 12:17 PM on March 6, 2019
posted by el_presidente at 12:17 PM on March 6, 2019
BTW, I don't get the impression at all that you are mistreating or neglecting the dog as some others imply in their repsonses. In fact, I think you care a lot about the dog and that is why your asking for advice here.
I say this with all respect for MT whose comments I look for and understanding how life gets hard but...if you have a dog learning to pee and poop inside and growl at its owners in part because the dog can’t go outside and run, that’s mistreatment and the dog may end up unadoptable.
I have raised dogs, including a fear-aggressive Shepherd-Rotweiller rescue and I deeply know how easy it is to get into these situations. I do not currently own a dog because I’d end up just as frustrated as MT is, I bet. I’m not saying MT is a bad person - this situation is tough. But you can’t keep a dog and make it into an unliveable dog. I mean unless you are going to let it poop and growl at you in your home for all time.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:19 PM on March 6, 2019 [10 favorites]
I say this with all respect for MT whose comments I look for and understanding how life gets hard but...if you have a dog learning to pee and poop inside and growl at its owners in part because the dog can’t go outside and run, that’s mistreatment and the dog may end up unadoptable.
I have raised dogs, including a fear-aggressive Shepherd-Rotweiller rescue and I deeply know how easy it is to get into these situations. I do not currently own a dog because I’d end up just as frustrated as MT is, I bet. I’m not saying MT is a bad person - this situation is tough. But you can’t keep a dog and make it into an unliveable dog. I mean unless you are going to let it poop and growl at you in your home for all time.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:19 PM on March 6, 2019 [10 favorites]
My condolences on the loss of your dog. When loss of a pet happens for preventable reasons, it is understandable imho to be upset and resentful with the person who caused it (through neglect/inaction of fixing the fence). I think that colors a lot of your pain here.
I agree the dog needs to be rehomed, for its benefit as well as to the safety of your home. With a dog that growls at you, I worry at some point you will get bitten or one of the kids or something, which would be a nightmare on top of everything.
Peace to you, I am sorry for your loss.
posted by megafauna at 2:27 PM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
I agree the dog needs to be rehomed, for its benefit as well as to the safety of your home. With a dog that growls at you, I worry at some point you will get bitten or one of the kids or something, which would be a nightmare on top of everything.
Peace to you, I am sorry for your loss.
posted by megafauna at 2:27 PM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
Is it possible that you resent New Dog for being alive? I ask this because when my dog died, I was broken-hearted. We got a new dog, but for a long time, I saw her as inferior to my first dog. And then one day, I realized I wasn't appreciating her for herself, that I resented her for being alive, and furthermore that I was comparing puppy behavior to an adult dog's. And my old dog was shy, and sensitive and we really had that bond of mutual understanding.
New Dog poops and pees on the carpet sometimes, she resource guards so we can't give her truly majestic treats, but she's smart and sweet and really assertive about her giant slobbery full-body hugging. She's five now and is settling into being just slightly an elder statesdog. She's a lot easier.
If you do decide you want to salvage the relationship with the dog, I would recommend becoming the queen of special treats that only come from you. Some rotisserie chicken you keep on hand...the dog might be as bummed out as you are.
Also: winter is a brutal time to get a new dog. I know.
Hope it gets better for you and I'm terribly sorry about the loss of your dog.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:39 PM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
New Dog poops and pees on the carpet sometimes, she resource guards so we can't give her truly majestic treats, but she's smart and sweet and really assertive about her giant slobbery full-body hugging. She's five now and is settling into being just slightly an elder statesdog. She's a lot easier.
If you do decide you want to salvage the relationship with the dog, I would recommend becoming the queen of special treats that only come from you. Some rotisserie chicken you keep on hand...the dog might be as bummed out as you are.
Also: winter is a brutal time to get a new dog. I know.
Hope it gets better for you and I'm terribly sorry about the loss of your dog.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:39 PM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Reading and thinking; thank you. No-discussion re-homing will not happen, and there are positive aspects to my husband being outdoors, getting exercise, and spending time with his friends because the dog is there. I do agree with the point about under-stimulation being an objective issue for the dog (I have to add here that the original Bad Influence in this story has had this breed of dog for decades, and swears up and down that "these dogs just sleep 23 hours a day, so don't worry, she's fine." Which may be true at the same time that my family members don't do enough to keep her from chewing on objects, or to maintain her training. She's by no means suffering physically, in the sense that she came from a cold origin, and now she gets to curl up in cozy, warm places and gets occasional cuddling from the kids, and has a cat friend in the house. She is lazy, and not affection-seeking.). I also agree that this isn't her fault. She doesn't know how to fix it. (Ouch. True.) In fairness to her, there have only been two instances of growling, and sometimes she eliminates in the house right after being outdoors. And yes, it's for damn sure that their half-assing of responsibilities, and the disregard for my feelings/requests, and the additional work I have to do around the dog as a result (plus the "It's-not-my-turn, it's-your-turn" fights) are what's really making me crazy, which is why I filed this under Human Relations. Like I could bear the dog if not for the family dynamics, but both together is too much on a hard day. I don't want revenge. I want my family to step up.
I do think getting contact information for rehoming options is totally reasonable. Me too. A back-up plan. I can also talk with the kennel down the road if I need a day of relief. I can talk with the ag store guys about fence repair. I can refrain from pissy body language, and oh, God, it hurts that this is the first time I haven't loved an animal, and I'm still in grief for the dog I did love. I can also thank you all for listening to me when I really, really needed it, and for...not telling me to suck it up? For helping me think it through. Thank you.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:04 PM on March 6, 2019 [28 favorites]
I do think getting contact information for rehoming options is totally reasonable. Me too. A back-up plan. I can also talk with the kennel down the road if I need a day of relief. I can talk with the ag store guys about fence repair. I can refrain from pissy body language, and oh, God, it hurts that this is the first time I haven't loved an animal, and I'm still in grief for the dog I did love. I can also thank you all for listening to me when I really, really needed it, and for...not telling me to suck it up? For helping me think it through. Thank you.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:04 PM on March 6, 2019 [28 favorites]
For what it's worth, I waited several months after my beloved cat died before getting two new kittens. They were kittens, and adorable, and I wanted them and voluntarily adopted them, and it still took maybe a good year before I stopped having occasional feelings of resentment that they were not my old cat, because I so adored my old cat. It makes total sense that you're feeling resentment/anger/grief that your current dog is alive and your beloved dog is dead, and, like you're saying, you can still choose certain positive actions to move forward. *hugs* This is hard.
posted by lazuli at 3:29 PM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 3:29 PM on March 6, 2019 [2 favorites]
First of all, I'm so sorry for you. This is a terrible situation and your grief is, I think, making this impossible place you've been stuck even harder.
I have to add here that the original Bad Influence in this story has had this breed of dog for decades, and swears up and down that "these dogs just sleep 23 hours a day, so don't worry, she's fine."
People say this about greyhounds and it's not true there, either. A greyhound WILL sleep that much, if it doesn't have enough exercise and interaction. It doesn't mean it's happy and well-treated.
A healthy, happy, well-adjusted dog does not have accidents as a regular occurrence in the house. There's also the issue that the dog is growling at you! That is not a good sign. I don't want to worry you but a dog that has decided it's acceptable to express itself that way does not stop there without serious intervention. That is a problem not only for you, but also a potential problem for anyone else who has to interact with the dog for the rest of its life.
You desperately need to rehome this dog and not get another one until you, personally, are done grieving and actively want a dog. Since you are all alone caring for the dog, it needs to be on your schedule alone.
posted by winna at 4:02 PM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
I have to add here that the original Bad Influence in this story has had this breed of dog for decades, and swears up and down that "these dogs just sleep 23 hours a day, so don't worry, she's fine."
People say this about greyhounds and it's not true there, either. A greyhound WILL sleep that much, if it doesn't have enough exercise and interaction. It doesn't mean it's happy and well-treated.
A healthy, happy, well-adjusted dog does not have accidents as a regular occurrence in the house. There's also the issue that the dog is growling at you! That is not a good sign. I don't want to worry you but a dog that has decided it's acceptable to express itself that way does not stop there without serious intervention. That is a problem not only for you, but also a potential problem for anyone else who has to interact with the dog for the rest of its life.
You desperately need to rehome this dog and not get another one until you, personally, are done grieving and actively want a dog. Since you are all alone caring for the dog, it needs to be on your schedule alone.
posted by winna at 4:02 PM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
Personally, I would dock my children's allowances/charge them from their part-time jobs/take money out of their discretionary part of the family budget usually spent on toys/movies/whatever, and hire a great dogwalker with dog training experience to come and walk the dog and play with him and work with him on the training. Since they can't be bothered to walk the dog, they can pay for it. (And they can pay you a cleaning fee every time the dog eliminates in the house.)
And then I don't know how you do your family budget, but I would take money out of something of your husband's -- whether that's his separate fun money or the cash you were going to spend on landscapers this year so he doesn't have to mow or what you intended to spend on his Christmas present or his hobby fund or WHATEVER, and hire a guy to fix the fence. And assess a monthly charge for every month you have to manage any single bit of the dog's care (including hiring the dogwalker) because he isn't organizing all of that with the kids and making sure they step up and providing real consequences when they don't.
(And I'd be continually pissed about spending money on the dogwalker, too, but at least the dog would be getting adequate exercise and some training and the appropriate people would be paying for it.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:40 PM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
And then I don't know how you do your family budget, but I would take money out of something of your husband's -- whether that's his separate fun money or the cash you were going to spend on landscapers this year so he doesn't have to mow or what you intended to spend on his Christmas present or his hobby fund or WHATEVER, and hire a guy to fix the fence. And assess a monthly charge for every month you have to manage any single bit of the dog's care (including hiring the dogwalker) because he isn't organizing all of that with the kids and making sure they step up and providing real consequences when they don't.
(And I'd be continually pissed about spending money on the dogwalker, too, but at least the dog would be getting adequate exercise and some training and the appropriate people would be paying for it.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:40 PM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
I feel like a lot of the options you've been presented with here basically require you to be the bad guy in laying down the law and forcing hard choices over this situation that you neither wanted nor asked for.
I don't know if this is feasible or workable, but I want to suggest that you tell your husband that it is no longer possible for you to be the primary caregiver and cleanup person for the dog, and that the children are so far refusing to step up and deal with it, and so it is his problem to solve now.
He wanted this dog, he should be arrange proper care for it without demanding extra labor from you, giving the kids cause to resent you, or neglecting the dog.
But I don't know your husband. I don't know if what I'm suggesting is realistic. But it is what you should be able to expect from your partner.
posted by prize bull octorok at 5:26 PM on March 6, 2019 [4 favorites]
I don't know if this is feasible or workable, but I want to suggest that you tell your husband that it is no longer possible for you to be the primary caregiver and cleanup person for the dog, and that the children are so far refusing to step up and deal with it, and so it is his problem to solve now.
He wanted this dog, he should be arrange proper care for it without demanding extra labor from you, giving the kids cause to resent you, or neglecting the dog.
But I don't know your husband. I don't know if what I'm suggesting is realistic. But it is what you should be able to expect from your partner.
posted by prize bull octorok at 5:26 PM on March 6, 2019 [4 favorites]
Tell the kids if you hear them arguing about whose turn it is, it's both their turn.
posted by whuppy at 9:46 AM on March 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by whuppy at 9:46 AM on March 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by lazuli at 9:20 PM on March 5, 2019 [58 favorites]