My husband won't take responsibility for our dog (maybe) getting sick
May 24, 2014 2:09 PM   Subscribe

My husband accidentally exposed our dog to raisins, and I just wish he'd take some responsibility for it.

I have a 6 pound chihuahua and I've been very careful about making sure he isn't exposed to any foods poisonous to dogs, especially since he's so small and it wouldn't take much to hurt him. I heard about a Facebook friend's dog who ate half a granola bar with about 6 raisins in it and ended up hospitalized with kidney troubles.

Generally we do not have raisins in the house, but I bought some recently to put on cereal. Today my husband grabbed a handful to eat, and one fell on the floor, which my dog got. So I called the emergency vet to ask if one raisin could cause a problem, since he's so small. They recommended inducing vomiting with hydrogen peroxide. It didn't work so I called back after a little while, and they told me to bring him in. (The dog is more mine than my husband's, so he is my responsibility.)

Maybe this was all a big overreaction but I didn't want to wait and see if he would get sick. They induced vomiting at the vet, although they told me they didn't actually see the raisin in what came up. So now I just have to watch him for any changes in eating or urination/defecation. I spent 3 hours at the vet and $400. (I have pet insurance which may cover some of it, but I won't know until they process the claim.)

When I got home, I told my husband that we should throw out the raisins. He said, "Well, I like raisins." I said that we'd been doing fine without raisins in the house until I recently bought them so it couldn't be a big deal to do without. I suggested maybe we could keep them around if he ate them hunched over the counter. His reply: "That's what I was doing, but one managed to escape." I said, "Yeah and it cost me $400." He shrugged and walked away.

It just annoyed me that he took no responsibility for today's incident. No "I'm sorry." No offer to help with the bill at all. And disagreeing about not keeping raisins in the house. Like he doesn't even care. Am I right to feel upset or am I the one who's being unreasonable?

There isn't really anything else I can do. There's no right way to say, "You should say you're sorry for what happened," because he'll just get angry and say it was an accident. I just wish he would act like he cared about me and the dog, but it seems like he cares more about his ability to eat raisins. I'm just worried now that something like this is going to happen again. What if he eats raisins again and I'm not around to watch out for the dog? I'm actually shaking now from being so upset (and worrying about the dog's future health), and had to take a Xanax to help calm down.

My husband is generally a nice person, but he has a short fuse and loses his temper easily (it has never verged into verbal abuse or physical violence). So I guess what I'm asking is, am I the one who's being unreasonable, or if not, is there anything else I can do to calm down, and to take care of my dog's future well-being since my husband certainly won't.
posted by LaurenIpsum to Human Relations (35 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
"Honey, I am really upset by what happened today with the dog. I was very afraid for his health and I am bothered by how casually you're treating the whole thing. When you treat something that really bothers me as though it's no big deal, you damage our marriage and our ability to be a united front when it comes to solving problems. The dog may be mostly my dog, but he is a shared responsibility, and if you can't treat an animal with respect, I can't be sure that you'll treat others with respect either. I need you to promise me that you'll never bring raisins into the house and that if you want them you'll eat them somewhere the dog can't get to them."
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:19 PM on May 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

Am I right to feel upset or am I the one who's being unreasonable?

Both? Like, on the one hand, dropping a raisin is a thing that may sometimes happens and if it's that huge a deal there needs to be more raisin-protection in place (like deciding not to have raisins in the house, for example) which is a fine place to draw the line. But, once something happens that is stressful and costly and could have been avoided if someone had been more careful... There is still a way to say "Wow I didn't know it was that big a deal but now that i know that, I will be more careful, sorry." which would be an optimal response and it light years from where your husband was.

anything else I can do to calm down, and to take care of my dog's future well-being since my husband certainly won't.

I will politely suggest that it is a red flag if someone who you are sharing a life with makes these sorts of things

1) your financial responsibility (like married people with split finances seems fine to me but something like this should be a shared expense if there is shared fault/responsibility)
2) a situation where you can not trust them to be respectful/careful about the things that you care about

If your husband can't be arsed to look out for the very basic aspects of caring for another living thing in your house, that is a problem and one that needs resolving beyond "Help me care less about this" just being grateful that the guy isn't abusive sort of isn't enough in my opinion. You guys need help communicating about these things. This is not about raisins. Don't make it about raisins.
posted by jessamyn at 2:20 PM on May 24, 2014 [49 favorites]

This is not a competition to see who is more unreasonable (or who is responsible for something that was an accident). If you need something from your husband, you should tell him so and react to that, not unspoken things. I would imagine that what you need in this situation is not an apology, but sympathy that you just went through something difficult and expensive.

on preview, what Hermione Granger says.
posted by bluedeans at 2:21 PM on May 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

We have dogs. We keep our chocolate in very specific places, a drawer and a bread box.

I am confused why your husband should help with the bill. Isnt the dog a shared responsibility? Are you saying only you are financially responsible for the dog? I can't imagine a married couple talking this way about their child.
posted by mitschlag at 2:21 PM on May 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

The way you've described it your husband doesn't just sound like he doesn't want to take any responsibility for what happened but he was also totally rude, and acted like he flat out doesn't care. I think it's reasonable for you not only to be mad about the accident, but especially about the conversation and his reaction following. Does he care about you and is he going to work with you so that this doesn't ever happen again or not? If you can't count on him to do that, then it seems like he doesn't care at all. Whether there are delicious raisins involved or not.
posted by Blitz at 2:22 PM on May 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

That kind of total non-reaction to something so eventful, and something that is so clearly upsetting to you makes it sounds like he was trying very deliberately to be rude to you. I'm not sure what he's thinking.
posted by Blitz at 2:30 PM on May 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

Your husband is being a complete dick but whatever, some people are utterly indifferent to dogs and don't get the love other people can have, etc. I also don't get why this isn't a household expense but again, whatever. This is what I would do:

Throw out the raisins. Then go tell your husband, very very very matter-of-factly with no tears, anger or drama: "I have thrown out the raisins because I am not willing to take responsibility for them being in the house. If you choose to buy them and bring them in, that's great but it's means you assume responsibility. Did you still want BBQ for dinner?"
posted by DarlingBri at 2:35 PM on May 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

It sounds like your husband was feeling very defensive. You want him to treat this as a problem that belongs to both of you, that both of you are concerned about the dog's well-being, but you came home from the vet with the solution to the problem already decided. I wonder if things would have gone differently if you'd said instead, "Wow, I don't ever want to go through that again! Not only was I really worried about the dog, but I really don't want to have to spend that kind of money again. I thought having raisins in the house would be OK, and I do like them on my cereal, but now I'm just not sure."

Husband: "Yeah, I was being really careful and one still got away from me."

You: "And that could happen to anybody! Is there any way we can have raisins in the house and be sure the dog won't get any of them?"

And so on.

I don't think it's especially reasonable to be very mad about the accident. He dropped a raisin. Dropping raisins, chocolate chips, popcorn, trail mix, candy, potato chips, any kind of small food you grab in your hand is absolutely common and mundane and something most of us do nearly any day of the week. Especially since you were the one who brought the raisins into the house. Your husband's mistake was a very small one, even though it had big consequences. Defensiveness is a predictable response that people have, and approaching conversations in ways that defuse defensiveness is a good skill to have.

I don't mean to say it's entirely your fault that things didn't go well with your husband. He does have to take responsibility for his actions, and certainly expressing his concern and support matters. I'm just pointing out one point in the interaction where you could have done something differently, that might have helped things play out in a more mutually supportive, loving way for both of you.
posted by not that girl at 2:36 PM on May 24, 2014 [29 favorites]

Keep the dog out of the kitchen. Problem solved.

It's unreasonable to expect your husband to refrain from eating certain foods because they might poisonous to dogs. The list of foods poisonous to dogs is LONG, and as you noted, your dog is very small and thus you have to worry about this more.

*You* are the one who could have prevented this from happening. You *know* that food sometimes drops on the floor when being prepared/eaten and that dogs will eat anything that drops on the floor, thus it's *your* responsibility to keep your dog out of the room(s) where human food is being prepared and eaten. Get some baby gates.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:40 PM on May 24, 2014 [28 favorites]

Not being a dog person, it sounds a lot to me like you overreacted. Seriously, $400 vet bill because your dog ate one raisin?

Still, his response was pretty insensitive, and it sounds pretty clear that he doesn't view the dog as his responsibility.

For prevention in the future, I would suggest keeping your dog out of the kitchen (baby gate, half door?) rather than trying to police your husband's diet.
posted by ktkt at 2:41 PM on May 24, 2014 [23 favorites]

I will preface this by saying I REALLY LOVE my dogs. A lot. It has made me cry to think about how much I love them, seriously. That said--dogs eat a lot of crap they shouldn't. Stuff happens. My Jack Russell once ate like a 1/4 lb of M&M's. My childhood dog ate plastic and crayons and probably 2 entire shoes cumulatively. Maybe I have been lucky, and admittedly my sample size is very small (5 dogs ever in my life but none over 15 lbs), but none of those things ever really made them sick. Or if it did, they barfed it up, or had diarrhea or something. I don't mean to make you feel bad, but it's possible you were overreacting a little bit. I get it! I promise I do! I worry about my dogs a lot but I was also REALLY poor and really immature for a number of my dog-owning years so I didn't always rush right out to the vet, and they've been fine. Ren, the M&M eater, lived to be 15+ somehow, and it wasn't because I was a perfect dog-mom.

Aside from that, though, it sounds like you're scared to confront your husband about this. When my husband does a thing I don't like, even if I'm overreacting, I'm not afraid to bring it up with him. Especially if it's related to the safety of our dogs! Our dogs are our babies, and both of us feel that way. Also, your husband probably feels embarrassed for doing something so small that ended up actually being a big deal to you. If you don't feel comfortable saying, "I know this seems insignificant, but even one raisin is toxic to our dog. I'm sorry if I overreacted, but seriously this could kill the dog I/we love a whole lot, and then I'd/we'd both feel so terrible! So let's just skip having raisins in the house, cool?" to your spouse, then this is a much bigger relationship problem.

I hope your little buddy is okay!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 2:42 PM on May 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

What is the toxic dose?

Since raisins are dried and therefore more concentrated than grapes, it appears that raisins are relatively more toxic than grapes. According to the Merck Veterinary Manual, the estimated toxic dose of grapes is 32 grams of grapes per kilogram of body weight (0.5 ounces per pound) and for raisins it is 11-30 g/kg (0.18 to 0.48 oz/lb).
So, if your dog ate a little over an ounce of raisins at once he would be flirting with the lower end of the toxic dose range. My guess is that an ounce is something like 1/4 cup of raisins.

I think you overreacted, made a bad decision to spend $400 at the vet, and now you want your husband to feel bad for doing precisely nothing wrong.
posted by jon1270 at 2:48 PM on May 24, 2014 [69 favorites]

Thanks for the responses so far. To clarify about the expenses, we have a dog and a cat. We got them on the same day and made an agreement that the dog is my responsibility, and the cat is his, financial or otherwise. Not that we don't help each other by feeding the other one's pet if someone has to work late. But I was the one who wanted a dog and he's the one who wanted a cat.
posted by LaurenIpsum at 2:50 PM on May 24, 2014

I'm with jon1270. I am also a dog owner/dog person and I love my pets and have spent myself broke on medical treatment for them. This being said, if you're not an experienced pet owner, you should know that emergency vets will ALWAYS, ALWAYS try to scam you into bringing your animals in for unnecessary, expensive treatment in panic/borderline cases like, "my dog ate [chocolate, raisins, onions], is he going to drop dead?!" I learned this from similar panic situations to yours, fwiw-- you're realizing that this precious living being that is completely dependent on you might DIE because of a stupid mistake you made, and then the person on the other end of the line is telling you "well... the only way to really be clear is for us to examine them..." It happens. I think your husband is being rude to you because he is uncomfortable dealing with this level of monetary and emotional distress over a not actually dangerous single raisin, and he doesn't have the emotional maturity to figure out ways to move forward and deal with pet health scares in a productive, respectful way. He needs to acknowledge your feelings and his shared responsibility in keeping your pets safe. But next time, hunt up dosages online before escalating into spending hundreds of dollars, yeah? And get some baby gates to keep the dog out of the kitchen. I'm glad the puppy is ok!
posted by moonlight on vermont at 2:55 PM on May 24, 2014 [14 favorites]

I'm actually shaking now from being so upset (and worrying about the dog's future health), and had to take a Xanax to help calm down.

It's very unfair for you to expect that your husband act calmly, kindly, and rationally when you are acting this way. Looking at your comment last month about your dog, it seems like you are really obsessed with having a "perfect" pet ownership experience, and you let your anxieties and worries about your dog dominate your life. That's really unhealthy. Dogs get sick and dogs die (yup, ALL of them!). They're also expensive little idiots who think toxic food is the most delicious food. There's nothing you can do to make your dog 100% safe, and you shouldn't let your other relationships suffer for it.
posted by acidic at 3:04 PM on May 24, 2014 [43 favorites]

I also overreact about my pets whereas my partner is quite calm. It used to annoy me but now I just see it as his different judgment about what is serious or not (and also him being less attached to them than I am).

Rushing to the vet, the $400 bill, the Xanax... Maybe your hubby is being overly unconcerned to counteract your anxiety over not being able to control everything about your pet.

I would let this one pass and not make it a thing. Next time a problem comes up, ask his input if this really merits a vet visit, and maybe even ask him to come with you to the vet. This will help you feel supported by him AND cut down on unnecessary vet spending.

PS. If the raisin had made the dog sick AND your husband was still "meh" about it THEN he's a dick. But all that happened was that he dropped a raisin and you spent $400 because of your panic.

PPS. Vets love to make money & will capitalize on people with pet anxiety.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:28 PM on May 24, 2014 [21 favorites]

1) You did not overreact. There have been cases of small dogs dying from ingestion of as little as one or two raisins. It's unusual but it does happen. Raisins are seriously toxic to dogs.

2) It's not unreasonable to ban raisins from the house when you have a small dog. They will sometimes fall to the floor. When they do, the dog can get them before you realize what's happened and tell him to leave it, or perhaps the dog doesn't have a good leave it and gets them anyway, or perhaps you done notice you've dropped them or can't find them all, but your dog does. I have small dogs and don't keep raisins or dark chocolate in the house because a) they are totally unnecessary and b) we are clumsy, forgetful people and at a certain point I realized that having these things sitting on the counter was an accident waiting to happen. (The "certain point" was when my friend's dog died from eating baking chocolate.)

3) Your husband is being a cold, irresponsible, unfeeling asshole.
posted by HotToddy at 3:35 PM on May 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

Did your vet tell you one raisin would injure your dog? The research does not support that. Also, there's a time element at play here. Also, after 2 hours, vomiting is less useful. Instead, the Tx would have been to check the renal values and proceed with meds as needed. Here is an article that directed at vet tech practitioners, but completely readable by a pet owner. Grape and Raisin Toxicity In Dogs (PDF) The article is from the ASPCA Animal Poison Control Center.

Frankly, I'd be more pissed that my vet subjected my animal to unnecessary and uncomfortable procedures than I'd be at my husband.
posted by 26.2 at 3:53 PM on May 24, 2014 [26 favorites]

You brought the raisins into the house, knowing that they could injure your pet, and you failed to put in place adequate precautions (like telling your husband not to eat them). Sounds to me like you're feeling defensive, and angry that you might have been ripped off by your vet, and you're taking that out on your husband (who remember doesn't have responsibility for the dog and didn't bring the raisins to the house). So yeah, you're overreacting.
posted by nomis at 4:02 PM on May 24, 2014 [12 favorites]

I suspect his shrug means "obviously you are having a huge reaction to this, but I don't think it's the big deal you do. But I am angry that I can't drop one raisin without it becoming a huge deal and I'm resentful that I can't share my real opinion here because you're so upset."

Obviously, that's not great communication. I don't think he is being supportive and empathic, but I think it's oversimplistic to blame him end of story. This was obviously terribly distressing, but you need to realize that at least part of that distress is your anxiety, and that it isn't necessarily fair to expect him to be financially and emotionally liable for what you experienced. (What if he had said up front "look, i can't afford a vet visit and i think Fluffy will be fine, so don't go in, or if you do, don't expect me to help pay?") I could sit here and talk about how he could've handled this better, but since you're the one looking for answers, you might also look at your half of the equation. Can you make space to hear his opinion when that opinion is "I think you are worrying unnecessarily. It's your right to worry, but I don't want to participate in this reaction you are having?"

Since you're married, this could be just the tip of some entrenched communication dynamic and finding a solution may take understanding and flexibility from you both, plus some trial and error. In other words I'll be the first person in this thread to throw down the "have you considered couples therapy" card, at least if anything I'm saying about "entrenched dynamic" etc. rings true. But I love therapy in all forms so I'm biased.
posted by salvia at 4:31 PM on May 24, 2014 [15 favorites]

I think you're overreacting about the raisin incident, but it also sounds like you want your husband to acknowledge that you're upset and he isn't. These sound like two separate issues to me.

The raisin? Accidents happen, and I think it's completely reasonable to allow raisins in the house, out of the dog's reach, and forgive one dropped raisin. If he left an open container of raisins out where the dog could have feasted on them, that's less okay.

But if you're upset because of his reaction rather than the actual raisin dropping, that's what you need to bring up with him. Do it when you're calm, and talk about how it made you feel and what you'd like from him so you can feel supported rather than ignored. This is ultimately about you and not your dog.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:20 PM on May 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

You are overreacting. You should have looked up the toxic dose before inducing vomiting your dog. One raisin wasn't going to do anything.

And everything that 26.2 said as well. Did you explain everything to your vet as it happened? If you did, you should get a new vet.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:54 PM on May 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

So now I just have to watch him for any changes in eating or urination/defecation.

Which is the exact same place you'd be if you hadn't freaked out, dropped $400, had an anxiety attack and popped a Xanax.

The accidental dropping of the raisin is his. Making this An Incident is yours. Don't work yourself up more and make the situation worse by turning this into a referendum on his character and feelings for you.

I'm trying to imagine different tones where Yeah, and it cost me $400 could come off as something other than sarcasm or an accusation. I can't. When someone I care about starts throwing those at me, I too just want to shrug and leave the room. It doesn't really motivate me to want to stick around and try to make them feel better.

I peaked a the comment acidic linked to and it's easier to see where your reaction comes from. It's not that I don't sympathize with the distress, I do. It's not exactly a voluntary response on your part. It's just not a response your husband is responsible for and it's not a response born of how much you love your dog or the actual danger pup was in.

Did you over-react? Yeah. But that's the operating definition of anxiety - an involuntarily large reaction out of proportion to the thing itself and one that disables one's ability to keep perspective when it's most needed. So don't beat yourself up over it and don't beat him up either. He can't be help you with the anxiety if he's the object of it.
posted by space_cookie at 6:29 PM on May 24, 2014 [13 favorites]

You've mentioned before that you have significant anxiety issues, and it's clear that you made much, much, much more out of this situation than was warranted given the non-severity of the actual issue.

One raisin was never going to hurt your dog, and if your vet didn't tell you that flat out, it was one of a massive misunderstanding about how many raisins your dog ate, a response to your apparent hysteria, or your vet is a bill-padding fraud who you should immediately replace with someone more honest.

So, that brings us to your husband's behaviour. On the face of it, it seems easy to brand him a giant asshole, because even if he wasn't worried about the dog, his abject failure to in any console you or apologize for an accident -- it is totally fine to be sorry for things you did accidentally -- seems unbelievably horrible.

But I have to wonder, given your astonishing overreaction in this situation, whether this is a somewhat regular occurrence? Behaviour that might seem gigantically assholish in reaction to a once a year freakout would appear very different if those freakouts happen once a week.

In the same way that it would be bad if you are a hostage to his temper, constantly needing to avoid upsetting him, it would be bad if he is a hostage to your anxiety, constantly needing to avoid upsetting you.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:47 PM on May 24, 2014 [25 favorites]

My read is that he doesn't really like the dog, or at least, doesn't like how it adds to your anxious behaviors. Not implying that he would drop a raisin on purpose, but my advice would be to treat this as an overreaction on your part to prevent him from thinking, "god, crazy yappy dogs for crazy yappy people"

On the other hand -- are these your mutual first pets? Like, are you both new to raising animals, or has he had pets always and you, never before? This might be a way you can help him see your viewpoint more: this is all new to you, you don't know to check toxicity levels first, etc. I say this because about a year ago, I was "new to physical activity" and fell badly, hurting my knee. I thought I would be crippled forever, I took the day off because I couldn't really walk, I cried hysterically and wrote many "woe is me" emails, etc. -- it was fine in 2 months? Not fun, but not "crippled forever."

And there are jokes about how parenting is the same: when your first child sticks a dime up his nostril, you take him to the emergency room because, omg, choking! breathing! When your third child does this, you tell him it's coming out of his allowance.
posted by batter_my_heart at 11:45 PM on May 24, 2014

To recap: you brought home raisins. You had some. Your husband had some. He dropped one. As dogs will do, the dog ate one. One raisin is well under the danger dose for even a small dog. You panicked. You had the dog's stomach pumped. Then when you sniped your husband because he let one raisin get away from him. I'd do my best to avoid riling you up further, too.

You sound like you want an Internet mob to tell your husband he's so bad because he didn't see the one-raisin threat as the existential crisis you did. If you are that concerned about your dog's constitution, a more constructive path might be banning all possible dog poisons from the house and yard: grapes, raisins, onions, garlic, leeks, shallots, chocolate, lilies, azaleas, buttercup, castor beans, chives, chrysanthemum, ivy, ferns, ficus, foxglove, hops, hydrangea, iris, and more that you'll certainly find via Google. And if you want to be the bigger person, treat his cat like your dog. Pets shouldn't be trapped in the middle of people's neediness.
posted by SakuraK at 2:07 AM on May 25, 2014 [8 favorites]

I used to have dog parties (i was seven) with my dog and friends dogs. The highlights were chocolate, chocolate covered raisins etc. Also the dog ate a lot of garlic. And a broken lightbulb and mutiple cooked chickens she stole off the counter when my mothers back was turned. The dog lived to bé 17.

Seriously, dogs are scavengers. They eat poop regularly, yak it up and eat it again.

You are over reacting.
posted by zia at 6:59 AM on May 25, 2014 [5 favorites]

I agree that, while theoretically not impossible, one raisin was highly unlikely unlikely to hurt your dog. It sounds like you got taken for a bit of a ride by that vet, and that is probably part of what is bothering you. (FWIW, I keep a bottle of ipecac syrup and a syringe around for those moments when my pug defies my best efforts to keep dangerous things away from him and decides to joyfully scarf a bit of something dodgy. Works like a charm and is much easier to give him than hydogen peroxide.)

That said, even if what happened was an understandable accident, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your partner to express at least a modicum of concern over the fate of a four-legged member of your household, and for you. What would a simple "I'm sorry that happened, and that is scared you so much, and I'm relieved that Fluffy is okay in the end" have cost him? As others have said, it sounds like this argument is about more than just this incident.

(Also, if I were you, I'd just throw out those raisins. If your husband wants to buy more, he can do so, and eat them somewhere the dog can't get them.)
posted by rpfields at 7:01 AM on May 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

There has never been a documented case of a dog showing acute toxicity from one raisin. I think you're badly overreacting here and, honestly, if my partner blew $400 like this I'd be pretty upset. I realize you say the cat is your husband's financial responsibility and the dog is yours but, well, money is fungible and that sounds like a pretty dodgy setup to begin with.

I think the whole incident is more a manifestation of your anxieties than anything else. It was one raisin. If dogs were going to die from eating a single raisin they'd never live past puppyhood.
posted by Justinian at 9:50 AM on May 25, 2014 [3 favorites]

I am a dog owner and dog lover, and totally understand getting upset and worried about your dog's health--I once spent $500 to have stitches put in my dog's paw, which she immediately and joyfully yanked out, even while wearing a cone of shame! She has also eaten raisins, dark chocolate, onion, plastic, stuffing from toys, etc., all without ill effect, but we all have our own comfort level, and if one raisin scares you, then one raisin scares you. I no longer allow my dog in the kitchen, because she is an incurable counter-surfer. I installed a swing open baby gate, and $35 has bought me loads of peace of mind.

That said. To me, this seems like a very minor incident (something fell on the floor and the dog got to it, it's not as if your husband deliberately fed a raisin to the dog) that has caused you a lot of emotional distress in your relationship. To me, this is a red flag for projection; is this incident really what has you upset, or is this incident a symptom of some other behavior or attitude that is causing you to feel insecure and anxious?
posted by assenav at 7:32 PM on May 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

I do think your overreacting here. Aside from the issue of whether or not a single raisin could be an issue for a small dog, I'm not entirely convinced your husband should take responsibility for this. It was an accident and your dog is fine. The $400 vet bill and the Xanax and your panic attack--those aren't his fault. I think you need to ask yourself if you want him to apologize for dropping the raisin or your reaction to this?

Dogs will manage to eat anything and everything they should not eat, no matter how careful you are. If the thought of this has you having panic attacks, I'm not entirely sure dog ownership is right for you.
posted by inertia at 12:50 PM on May 27, 2014 [2 favorites]

This is not about the dog. Others have pointed out that one raisin is not a cause for rushing to the emergency vet. This is about you and your husband.

Putting myself in his place, I would quickly come to resent having to walk on eggshells due to threats perceived by my partner to our dog -- even if I did want the dog in the first place. If I didn't share that crippling anxiety, I would recognize it for the hindrance to living our daily lives that it is.

Whether your husband is insensitive and lacks empathy or merely exhausted is a concern for your couples and individual counselors but you did wildly overreact in this instance.
posted by rocketpup at 9:39 AM on May 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

jon1270: Since raisins are dried and therefore more concentrated than grapes, it appears that raisins are relatively more toxic than grapes. According to the Merck Veterinary Manual, the estimated toxic dose of grapes is 32 grams of grapes per kilogram of body weight (0.5 ounces per pound) and for raisins it is 11-30 g/kg (0.18 to 0.48 oz/lb).
So, if your dog ate a little over an ounce of raisins at once he would be flirting with the lower end of the toxic dose range. My guess is that an ounce is something like 1/4 cup of raisins.

jon1270's math is missing the dog's weight. A single raisin weighs about 1-1.5 grams (from the most reliable online estimates I found). Worst case: it would take over 7 raisins per pound of dog to have the slightest chance of killing it.

If your dog weighed only ten pounds (say, a chihuahua with bulimia issues), it would still take 70 of these accidents in a row within a span of a very few hours to kill it.

My knee-high mutt could munch his way through a couple boxes before there was a chance of lethality. A chance, mind you - some dogs are completely unharmed by grapes & raisins.

You grotesquely overreacted. That's not your husband's fault, and he's not being a dick for refusing to join you in your drama-filled behavior.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:52 PM on June 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

jon1270's math is missing the dog's weight.

No, it isn't. 0.18 oz/lb * 6 lbs = 1.08 oz., i.e. a little over an ounce.
posted by jon1270 at 3:27 AM on June 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

My bad. Missed that, jon1270. And obviously missed the dog's weight in the FPP.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:03 AM on June 4, 2014

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