How to turn down interview without burning bridges
June 14, 2018 1:34 AM Subscribe
I've spent a month going being recruited by a company and do not know how to turn down the interview without burning bridges for future positions.
About five years ago, I was recruited by Company X and Company Y. I ended up choosing Company Y rather than moving cross-country to Company X for personal reasons. X kept checking in with me for a couple years after, trying to see if I was interested in a role. X is an amazing company that I wouldn't hesitate to move to if I was single. However, now that I have a partner and child, Y offers me the extensive flexibility and a culture of work-life balance that's comparable to Facebook and Google, as well as stock options, that X does not have. The flexibility in my schedule is non-negotiable, because I have a toddler who is in daycare/ sports/ speech therapy, and no support system other than my partner and I to take care of everything.
Now, three years later, a recruiter - with my permission and certain conditions - submitted my resume to X. Phone interviews went well, and at every turn I emphasized the need for a flexible schedule with the my own recruiter, the HR person, and the hiring manager (who was the same one I interviewed with five years ago, and is thrilled that I'm interviewing.) Despite my repeated concerns to my recruiter that this company most likely will not meet my needs, she encouraged me to set up a date for an in-person interview.
I've since spoken to the HR person again, with whom my recruiter also spoke earlier this week. They both think I should fly in, speak again with the hiring manager who may give in to what I'm asking for (my flexible schedule requests are not insane by any means, and normal for tech companies in California, not so much elsewhere.) My instinct is telling me I shouldn't take this job, and quite frankly, as I've told my recruiter and the HR person many times - I don't want to waste their time or mine. I do not want this job anymore, not at this time.
My interview is scheduled for Monday, June 18. I have a few hours in which to book travel from San Diego to NYC. Perhaps it is too late for me to do anything, but I strongly think going to this interview and then turning down the offer is going to burn bridges with the company. I would really hate to do that, because it's possible that five years from now, they're one of the few companies I'd consider working for (and our intention is to eventually move to the east coast when our son is older and has a more routine schedule.)
So... which of these options would carry the lowest risk of burning bridges with this company, since this will be the second time I'm turning them down?
1. Go to NYC, attend a full day of interviews, and the scheduled dinner with hiring manager and VP with the knowledge that I am 99% likely to turn this down.
2. Not go to NYC, call my recruiter up tomorrow, and tell her firmly that I've changed my mind and I am not going to waste any more of anyone's time.
3. Email the hiring manager (with whom I have a pretty good relationship, having interviewed with her previously and having had a warm, friendly conversation on the phone recently this time around) to do her the courtesy of letting her know that I've been thinking about it and the timing is just not right for my family. Then tell my recruiter what I've done.
4. Any other options I haven't thought of?
My partner and I have thought this out extensively, and I don't want to debate the pros and cons of taking the job with this question. Rather, I'd like to focus on keeping a good relationship with this company for the future, if that is at all possible (I realize it may not be!)
Thank you for your help.
About five years ago, I was recruited by Company X and Company Y. I ended up choosing Company Y rather than moving cross-country to Company X for personal reasons. X kept checking in with me for a couple years after, trying to see if I was interested in a role. X is an amazing company that I wouldn't hesitate to move to if I was single. However, now that I have a partner and child, Y offers me the extensive flexibility and a culture of work-life balance that's comparable to Facebook and Google, as well as stock options, that X does not have. The flexibility in my schedule is non-negotiable, because I have a toddler who is in daycare/ sports/ speech therapy, and no support system other than my partner and I to take care of everything.
Now, three years later, a recruiter - with my permission and certain conditions - submitted my resume to X. Phone interviews went well, and at every turn I emphasized the need for a flexible schedule with the my own recruiter, the HR person, and the hiring manager (who was the same one I interviewed with five years ago, and is thrilled that I'm interviewing.) Despite my repeated concerns to my recruiter that this company most likely will not meet my needs, she encouraged me to set up a date for an in-person interview.
I've since spoken to the HR person again, with whom my recruiter also spoke earlier this week. They both think I should fly in, speak again with the hiring manager who may give in to what I'm asking for (my flexible schedule requests are not insane by any means, and normal for tech companies in California, not so much elsewhere.) My instinct is telling me I shouldn't take this job, and quite frankly, as I've told my recruiter and the HR person many times - I don't want to waste their time or mine. I do not want this job anymore, not at this time.
My interview is scheduled for Monday, June 18. I have a few hours in which to book travel from San Diego to NYC. Perhaps it is too late for me to do anything, but I strongly think going to this interview and then turning down the offer is going to burn bridges with the company. I would really hate to do that, because it's possible that five years from now, they're one of the few companies I'd consider working for (and our intention is to eventually move to the east coast when our son is older and has a more routine schedule.)
So... which of these options would carry the lowest risk of burning bridges with this company, since this will be the second time I'm turning them down?
1. Go to NYC, attend a full day of interviews, and the scheduled dinner with hiring manager and VP with the knowledge that I am 99% likely to turn this down.
2. Not go to NYC, call my recruiter up tomorrow, and tell her firmly that I've changed my mind and I am not going to waste any more of anyone's time.
3. Email the hiring manager (with whom I have a pretty good relationship, having interviewed with her previously and having had a warm, friendly conversation on the phone recently this time around) to do her the courtesy of letting her know that I've been thinking about it and the timing is just not right for my family. Then tell my recruiter what I've done.
4. Any other options I haven't thought of?
My partner and I have thought this out extensively, and I don't want to debate the pros and cons of taking the job with this question. Rather, I'd like to focus on keeping a good relationship with this company for the future, if that is at all possible (I realize it may not be!)
Thank you for your help.
"I very, very much want to work with you and I had so hoped I could make this work, but I've realized now is not the time when my family can make such a big transition. I very much want to work with you in the future, but I don't want to waste your time or money now that I realize I won't be able to move for at least a few years."
Call ASAP, talk on the phone, be incredibly regretful--it is circumstance forcing you to make this decision but you SO want to work with them. I think that's your best bet.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:06 AM on June 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
Call ASAP, talk on the phone, be incredibly regretful--it is circumstance forcing you to make this decision but you SO want to work with them. I think that's your best bet.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:06 AM on June 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
I had a similar situation recently and felt it was best to cancel the trip. If you know it's not going to work, don't go.
posted by pinochiette at 10:11 AM on June 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by pinochiette at 10:11 AM on June 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
I am a recruiter. I would rather get the phone call that xammerboy recommends. If I have been doing what you asked in consistently putting forth your "conditions", I can handle the fallout from the employer.
What is worth looking at, though, is why you thought this might work? Why did you open the door at all? I would focus on what you can learn about yourself from this decision-making experience.
You never know. That self-discovery can help you make smarter career decisions in the future.
posted by John Borrowman at 11:29 AM on June 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
What is worth looking at, though, is why you thought this might work? Why did you open the door at all? I would focus on what you can learn about yourself from this decision-making experience.
You never know. That self-discovery can help you make smarter career decisions in the future.
posted by John Borrowman at 11:29 AM on June 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: What is worth looking at, though, is why you thought this might work? Why did you open the door at all? I would focus on what you can learn about yourself from this decision-making experience.
I figured this is what would come to mind. When my recruiter first called me, I told her that there was no way I would even consider the position, and not to send my resume in, unless it ticked off certain boxes. What I suspect happened there is that she softened what she told the HR person at the company. Subsequently, on my recruiter's advice, I talked on the phone with the company HR person and made it clear what I needed, and he asked me the same question you did. When I told him I thought it wasn't clearly communicated by my recruiter in the first place, he said he'd get back to me on whether they wanted to bring me in nevertheless. The next email I got was from an HR person asking when I would be available for in-person interviews so they could arrange travel.
Which is why, with them seemingly not caring about my reservations and still wanting to bring me in, I want to know how to tell them I'm out.
posted by Everydayville at 3:31 PM on June 14, 2018
I figured this is what would come to mind. When my recruiter first called me, I told her that there was no way I would even consider the position, and not to send my resume in, unless it ticked off certain boxes. What I suspect happened there is that she softened what she told the HR person at the company. Subsequently, on my recruiter's advice, I talked on the phone with the company HR person and made it clear what I needed, and he asked me the same question you did. When I told him I thought it wasn't clearly communicated by my recruiter in the first place, he said he'd get back to me on whether they wanted to bring me in nevertheless. The next email I got was from an HR person asking when I would be available for in-person interviews so they could arrange travel.
Which is why, with them seemingly not caring about my reservations and still wanting to bring me in, I want to know how to tell them I'm out.
posted by Everydayville at 3:31 PM on June 14, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
......
If you go, you will be strong-armed at dinner to make a final decision. You will be asked what you need to accept. You will be cajoled into negotiations. After all, what would it take for you to sign on? Can't you tell us what you want? What are your concerns? You will either have to give the impression you are taking the job only to not take the job, or start listing demands that take you out of the running, in which case they will think you unreasonable. Either will hurt your relationship with both the recruiter and the hiring manager.
You never know how these things will go, but even if you're perfect, which is really hard to pull off in this situation, they may take your rejection the wrong way. In fact, if they really think you hit it off, they may take it worse. I do think the chances of them taking it worse are greater than them taking it better. Rejection tends to sting, rightly or wrongly.
Finally, you've dealt with them honestly up until this point. I've found this to generally be the best policy. Keep your chin up. Of all the problems to have, this is not the worst.
posted by xammerboy at 2:43 AM on June 14, 2018 [4 favorites]