The poisoned, post-divorce well of my kids’ school
March 5, 2018 8:38 AM
After a nasty custody battle that settled permanently in my favor, the administration of my kids’ private school chooses to be Team Dad (because $$ & patriarchy) and the new principal, new counselor, and new secretary still seem to make things unpleasant for me at every turn. So I try to avoid setting foot in the school as much as possible, but this week I will absolutely have to enter the snake pit, and I don’t want to get triggered. Help me put on my armor.
Divorced a covert narcissist, won an awful custody battle, and the kids are alright. I have amazing lawyers and I also am one, so I am not looking for any legal advice. Rather, I need to arm myself with some very practical life strategies for dealing with a toxic trio of “flying monkeys” in the form of the new elementary school principal (who taught for 5 years until the former principal suddenly quit and she was given the job), the new school counselor (who used to be the school secretary for many years), and the new school secretary (who is a parent of kids at the school).
My elementary-school-aged children attend a US non-sectarian private school that I cannot stand, for which their father pays for everything per court order. During the divorce and custody battle, he cultivated strong relationships with the Headmaster of the K-12 school, had his family over for dinner, and even hired his child as a babysitter. He also strategically made very close friends with the new school secretary and had the kids over to her house a bunch of times. It’s old history now, but he smeared me to literally everyone I have ever met whose contact information he had. So you can only imagine what kinds of negative untrue things he’s been saying to the school staff, and what their own boss has told them, without ever having gotten my side of the story of course, but I digress.
I generally only go to the school when my kids are in some kind of live performance they really want me to come to, and I work flexibly enough to be able to attend. I’ve stopped going to parent-teacher conferences, per my lawyers’ ok, they are conducted via FaceTime. The problem is, the last time I came to the school months ago, the new principal decided to come after me by sending me an email she titled a “friendly reminder” in which she falsely accused me of violating school policy by entering the wrong door and failing to sign in. It seems the new school counselor lied to her about this, and was contradicted by my evidence, including a teacher’s own account of events. The new school secretary told me not to sign in, and I had recorded her saying it. One of the teachers had asked me to go in through a different door. (My lawyers had a field day with this, so all was not lost, and they say not to worry legally at all.) The principal eventually apologized in another email. The new school counselor ignores me (yay.) The secretary still acts fake Southern polite towards me.
It internally stresses me out greatly to have to go to my kids’ school for any reason, because the conflict is so palpable and out in the open. I feel bullied, even though they can no longer actually successfully harm me.
Due to circumstances, the kids must keep attending this school, and that’s something I’ve made my peace with (thank you, my wonderful therapist). The teachers who have been there for years and years get it, and support me and the kids. It’s just this terrible trio in administration that feels the need to take sides. How do people get through overtly toxic situations like this? I want to be able to sit in the audience at my kids’ school concert without receiving a nastygram from the principal. What kind of emotional armor does one wear, and where can I get some?
Divorced a covert narcissist, won an awful custody battle, and the kids are alright. I have amazing lawyers and I also am one, so I am not looking for any legal advice. Rather, I need to arm myself with some very practical life strategies for dealing with a toxic trio of “flying monkeys” in the form of the new elementary school principal (who taught for 5 years until the former principal suddenly quit and she was given the job), the new school counselor (who used to be the school secretary for many years), and the new school secretary (who is a parent of kids at the school).
My elementary-school-aged children attend a US non-sectarian private school that I cannot stand, for which their father pays for everything per court order. During the divorce and custody battle, he cultivated strong relationships with the Headmaster of the K-12 school, had his family over for dinner, and even hired his child as a babysitter. He also strategically made very close friends with the new school secretary and had the kids over to her house a bunch of times. It’s old history now, but he smeared me to literally everyone I have ever met whose contact information he had. So you can only imagine what kinds of negative untrue things he’s been saying to the school staff, and what their own boss has told them, without ever having gotten my side of the story of course, but I digress.
I generally only go to the school when my kids are in some kind of live performance they really want me to come to, and I work flexibly enough to be able to attend. I’ve stopped going to parent-teacher conferences, per my lawyers’ ok, they are conducted via FaceTime. The problem is, the last time I came to the school months ago, the new principal decided to come after me by sending me an email she titled a “friendly reminder” in which she falsely accused me of violating school policy by entering the wrong door and failing to sign in. It seems the new school counselor lied to her about this, and was contradicted by my evidence, including a teacher’s own account of events. The new school secretary told me not to sign in, and I had recorded her saying it. One of the teachers had asked me to go in through a different door. (My lawyers had a field day with this, so all was not lost, and they say not to worry legally at all.) The principal eventually apologized in another email. The new school counselor ignores me (yay.) The secretary still acts fake Southern polite towards me.
It internally stresses me out greatly to have to go to my kids’ school for any reason, because the conflict is so palpable and out in the open. I feel bullied, even though they can no longer actually successfully harm me.
Due to circumstances, the kids must keep attending this school, and that’s something I’ve made my peace with (thank you, my wonderful therapist). The teachers who have been there for years and years get it, and support me and the kids. It’s just this terrible trio in administration that feels the need to take sides. How do people get through overtly toxic situations like this? I want to be able to sit in the audience at my kids’ school concert without receiving a nastygram from the principal. What kind of emotional armor does one wear, and where can I get some?
(Or, if they do start, you at least have someone you can turn to after and say "That was weird, right?")
posted by penguin pie at 8:51 AM on March 5, 2018
posted by penguin pie at 8:51 AM on March 5, 2018
This sounds stressful for you and your kids. Even if you don't discuss the situation with your kids, which I don't think you should be except to tell them that you and their dad love them very much, etc, your kids see that you aren't participating in their school activities. I think you need to put your feelings about being bullied by the school admin's out of your mind. Let them say what they will and focus on your kids and how you can enrich their lives by being the bigger person and focusing on the and not your continued "battle". If you are being accused of petty things like going in the wrong door, isn't that the schools mistake? If they are contacting you or the police in order to get you banned from the school, that is one thing but if they are chattering about it among themselves I think you need to let it go. The more attention you give to these people the more they will escalate. I needed a parenting agreement with a toxic ex and didn't label it a battle (although he did), and I got the better end of the arrangement. Even using that term places a lot of hostility to the situation. It's an agreement that two adults sign off on, even if it's not perfect it's time to move on and build a new relationship that isn't so toxic, even if your ex continues to be a dick.
posted by waving at 8:53 AM on March 5, 2018
posted by waving at 8:53 AM on March 5, 2018
I love the idea of taking a comrade, and if there isn't another parent of a kid at the school you'd feel comfortable taking, why not take a friend as a date/companion? Even better, a friend who is also a lawyer :)
A dear friend whose family are toxic has taken friends "into battle" at family occasions and found great comfort in having someone both as a sort of shield against the worst of it at the time, and for debriefing afterwards. Awful people are often less willing to be awful in front of strangers.
posted by greenish at 9:06 AM on March 5, 2018
A dear friend whose family are toxic has taken friends "into battle" at family occasions and found great comfort in having someone both as a sort of shield against the worst of it at the time, and for debriefing afterwards. Awful people are often less willing to be awful in front of strangers.
posted by greenish at 9:06 AM on March 5, 2018
Just as a general rule of thumb - if I think I'm going to be challenged about something (signing in, where I parked, if I attended something) I usually take a quick iphone picture to back up my story in the future. Don't need to be crazy about it, but I would quickly snap a photo of you signing in in the future to cover any shenanigans.
posted by bbqturtle at 9:10 AM on March 5, 2018
posted by bbqturtle at 9:10 AM on March 5, 2018
These people sound comically assholeish. They are tin-pot dictators of a dumb little school that you think is shitty. If you can learn to see how utterly ridiculous these people look to anyone operating outside their silly little (very little) world, maybe that will help. Even if you can't actually find an ally or bring in a friend, if you can have someone specific to vent to (a friend, your therapist, an anonymous tumblr - whatever) after visits, in a "CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY DID THIS" kind of way that might be helpful.
They can say whatever, and you can say, "Oh, I didn't realize I did [thing I absolutely did not do], I will make sure to [do thing I am supposed to do] in the future!" and just be unfailingly polite and also know that they are useless petty idiots whose approval you do not need. (Right? You don't need anything from them! You hate them!)
Maybe imagine that the principal is three dogs in a trench coat. Although dogs are usually nicer. Maybe a sack of weasels in a suit.
posted by mskyle at 9:11 AM on March 5, 2018
They can say whatever, and you can say, "Oh, I didn't realize I did [thing I absolutely did not do], I will make sure to [do thing I am supposed to do] in the future!" and just be unfailingly polite and also know that they are useless petty idiots whose approval you do not need. (Right? You don't need anything from them! You hate them!)
Maybe imagine that the principal is three dogs in a trench coat. Although dogs are usually nicer. Maybe a sack of weasels in a suit.
posted by mskyle at 9:11 AM on March 5, 2018
It sounds like you've been very smart about documenting, so the harder part comes in "caring less", the emotional armor to make their pettiness less hurtful to you. This is where thoughts like "when they go low, we go high" help me, or reflecting on the struggles of other people who've been wrongly targeted because of things outside their control. So, along with the Michelle Obama quote above, I might try to channel her dignity and poise in the face of awful, petty, racist jerks she had to deal too often. Or choose some other warrior who was clearly on the side of justice, reviled, and still persevered.
posted by ldthomps at 9:23 AM on March 5, 2018
posted by ldthomps at 9:23 AM on March 5, 2018
I'm someone who, for better or worse, really hates tin-pot dictators. I think maybe you share this tendency with me? And of course you have had the horrible experience of a hostile divorce, and I'm sure you're right that these folks probably have heard nasty things about you from your ex.
That said... I think your armor here may just be to breathe deep and realize that you're seeing these folks as symbols of your ex now, and that - combined with the (absolutely bog-standard!) tendency for school administrators to be tinpotty and treat everyone like a child - is a recipe for molehills turning into mountains. Wrong door? Really? Who gives a sh*t? But school admins gonna admin, that's what they do; they'd do it even if they weren't friends with your ex.
Your job as a parent is to cultivate a decent relationship with these people, because they have some power over your child. Remind yourself you're an adult, these people aren't your bosses. Smile and focus on your kid's welfare.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:37 AM on March 5, 2018
That said... I think your armor here may just be to breathe deep and realize that you're seeing these folks as symbols of your ex now, and that - combined with the (absolutely bog-standard!) tendency for school administrators to be tinpotty and treat everyone like a child - is a recipe for molehills turning into mountains. Wrong door? Really? Who gives a sh*t? But school admins gonna admin, that's what they do; they'd do it even if they weren't friends with your ex.
Your job as a parent is to cultivate a decent relationship with these people, because they have some power over your child. Remind yourself you're an adult, these people aren't your bosses. Smile and focus on your kid's welfare.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:37 AM on March 5, 2018
“friendly reminder” .... fake Southern polite
Before I grew up and found a path that led to leaving the South largely behind me, I found the most personally gratifying approach to this sort of thing was to only hear the polite, nice stuff and none of the subtext, and to respond enthusiastically because the person was being so nice and genuine. Drives 'em up the wall.
On a less flippant note, I'll add my voice to the suggestion of bringing a witness. They need not have any existing
relationship with the school; they are there to be another set of eyes in the case of later disputes of events, as well as to be an advocate in the moment if they see you being treated inappropriately (ideally, the person you choose will have some experience in facilitation, mediation, and/or deescalation). I've recently seen that strategy used in another (different but also education-related) setting and there seems to be a lot of up-side and little to no down-.
posted by solotoro at 9:40 AM on March 5, 2018
Before I grew up and found a path that led to leaving the South largely behind me, I found the most personally gratifying approach to this sort of thing was to only hear the polite, nice stuff and none of the subtext, and to respond enthusiastically because the person was being so nice and genuine. Drives 'em up the wall.
On a less flippant note, I'll add my voice to the suggestion of bringing a witness. They need not have any existing
relationship with the school; they are there to be another set of eyes in the case of later disputes of events, as well as to be an advocate in the moment if they see you being treated inappropriately (ideally, the person you choose will have some experience in facilitation, mediation, and/or deescalation). I've recently seen that strategy used in another (different but also education-related) setting and there seems to be a lot of up-side and little to no down-.
posted by solotoro at 9:40 AM on March 5, 2018
Weirdly, I have been through this, on another continent, many years ago. I feel for you, it is incredibly stressful to keep up a friendly face for the sake of your children (in my case child).
I'm going to cut straight to how the situation ended. When my daughter was 14, I became very worried for her mental health, so worried I took her to a psychiatrist to get her diagnosed. The psychiatrist told me my daughter was healthy and sane, but that we needed to end that toxic situation, and that she would like to tell that to my ex in person. (There was more, but lets keep it at that for clarity's sake). Within a very short time, my now empowered girl had found a public school on her own and applied for entry, the principal out there was fairly astonished and a bit worried till I explained the situation.
My daughter is very good now and has forgotten the most painful circumstances — she does remember she could find a school on her own at fourteen, yeah — but I wonder if there is any possibility you could change whatever agreement it is that forces you to accept this school. I really wouldn't wish for anyone to see their children suffering like my daughter was. I would wish I could somehow show the huge improvement in quality of life and academic achievement my daughter experienced by changing schools.
You see, even small jugs have ears: when the adults are gossiping and spreading false rumors, the children hear them too. Among many things, my daughter had gotten the impression that my distance towards the school principal and some other teachers and parents involved was because I distanced myself from her. And the gossip confirmed that. And she was bullied by children whose parents were close to the principal and her gang.
The good teachers in my situation advised me to get out of there ASAP, when they realized that no matter what, they couldn't fight against something deeply wrong when the principal was involved.
And keep on the documentation. Among the things my ex and the school did was blame me for his mistakes. If he was supposed to pick up my daughter after school and he forgot it (not just once, but often), I would get a note from the school. So I sent in our custody plan, c.c.'ing one of the friendly teachers. But the terrible thing was, the principal and the teacher who was also allied with my ex told my daughter I had forgotten her.
Part of the bullying was that they consistently told my daughter that she was "not very intelligent" when she questioned stuff that was going on. FWIW, the psychiatrist told me she was probably hyper-intelligent, and thus more vulnerable to all the double-crossing that was going on.
When the bullying turned antisemitic, I allied with a Jewish family who had experienced the same, and who ended up also removing their child from the school. But they told my child what she had heard with her own ears hadn't happened, and if I hadn't spoken with the other family we would have been gaslighted.
I have never spoken a bad word about my ex to my daughter, trusting that over time she would be able to tell the truth from the lies on her own, and that is what happened. She loves her dad, but she knows who he is.
posted by mumimor at 9:42 AM on March 5, 2018
I'm going to cut straight to how the situation ended. When my daughter was 14, I became very worried for her mental health, so worried I took her to a psychiatrist to get her diagnosed. The psychiatrist told me my daughter was healthy and sane, but that we needed to end that toxic situation, and that she would like to tell that to my ex in person. (There was more, but lets keep it at that for clarity's sake). Within a very short time, my now empowered girl had found a public school on her own and applied for entry, the principal out there was fairly astonished and a bit worried till I explained the situation.
My daughter is very good now and has forgotten the most painful circumstances — she does remember she could find a school on her own at fourteen, yeah — but I wonder if there is any possibility you could change whatever agreement it is that forces you to accept this school. I really wouldn't wish for anyone to see their children suffering like my daughter was. I would wish I could somehow show the huge improvement in quality of life and academic achievement my daughter experienced by changing schools.
You see, even small jugs have ears: when the adults are gossiping and spreading false rumors, the children hear them too. Among many things, my daughter had gotten the impression that my distance towards the school principal and some other teachers and parents involved was because I distanced myself from her. And the gossip confirmed that. And she was bullied by children whose parents were close to the principal and her gang.
The good teachers in my situation advised me to get out of there ASAP, when they realized that no matter what, they couldn't fight against something deeply wrong when the principal was involved.
And keep on the documentation. Among the things my ex and the school did was blame me for his mistakes. If he was supposed to pick up my daughter after school and he forgot it (not just once, but often), I would get a note from the school. So I sent in our custody plan, c.c.'ing one of the friendly teachers. But the terrible thing was, the principal and the teacher who was also allied with my ex told my daughter I had forgotten her.
Part of the bullying was that they consistently told my daughter that she was "not very intelligent" when she questioned stuff that was going on. FWIW, the psychiatrist told me she was probably hyper-intelligent, and thus more vulnerable to all the double-crossing that was going on.
When the bullying turned antisemitic, I allied with a Jewish family who had experienced the same, and who ended up also removing their child from the school. But they told my child what she had heard with her own ears hadn't happened, and if I hadn't spoken with the other family we would have been gaslighted.
I have never spoken a bad word about my ex to my daughter, trusting that over time she would be able to tell the truth from the lies on her own, and that is what happened. She loves her dad, but she knows who he is.
posted by mumimor at 9:42 AM on March 5, 2018
My approach to (not-so) friendly reminders is to email back IMMEDIATELY: Thanks! Will do next time! (OR whatever.)
This is the equivalent of Southern "bless your heart." It's absolutely polite and conveys that I have given your email the amount of consideration it deserves, on the surface, and ignores the rest, except the breeziness and speed convey a little bit too.
I will say that it's hard to tell from your post whether all the lawyer-consulting for very small things and the need to stay out of the school even for conferences is due to the history, as in, this protects your custody rights and other things. If so, carry on!
If it has been to protect your feelings then I think it might be worth re-opening the discussion with your therapist to see at what point you will be ready to re-engage with the school on a more normal level of interaction. I'm assuming that you will be involved with the school for many more years and that it's worth working through the discomfort in order to be there with the kids.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:42 AM on March 5, 2018
This is the equivalent of Southern "bless your heart." It's absolutely polite and conveys that I have given your email the amount of consideration it deserves, on the surface, and ignores the rest, except the breeziness and speed convey a little bit too.
I will say that it's hard to tell from your post whether all the lawyer-consulting for very small things and the need to stay out of the school even for conferences is due to the history, as in, this protects your custody rights and other things. If so, carry on!
If it has been to protect your feelings then I think it might be worth re-opening the discussion with your therapist to see at what point you will be ready to re-engage with the school on a more normal level of interaction. I'm assuming that you will be involved with the school for many more years and that it's worth working through the discomfort in order to be there with the kids.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:42 AM on March 5, 2018
This is not a whole solution but a One Weird Trick thing, when you know you're walking into a situation where you'll have to deal with bad-faith assholes, a way of sort of reframing perfectly justified paranoia: just think "I see you" when you intuit someone looking for a way to start trouble. Just smile a little and think "I see you. You're not that clever."
But also yes bring a witness to literally see them.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:56 AM on March 5, 2018
But also yes bring a witness to literally see them.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:56 AM on March 5, 2018
I will say that it's hard to tell from your post whether all the lawyer-consulting for very small things and the need to stay out of the school even for conferences is due to the history, as in, this protects your custody rights and other things. If so, carry on!
Yes, it was to protect both my parental rights, and to protect me from being subjected to any further physical violence.
posted by edithkeeler at 9:57 AM on March 5, 2018
Yes, it was to protect both my parental rights, and to protect me from being subjected to any further physical violence.
posted by edithkeeler at 9:57 AM on March 5, 2018
You might consider the opposite approach, i.e., go to the school every chance you get and basically force the terrible trio into a new normal. It is your kids' school and you have every right to be there. Walk in the assumption you will be treated with respect (no shame in faking the attitude) and incorporate advice in the above comments for dealing with those times you are not.
As already mentioned, bring a comrade/witness whenever possible, since their presence should help curb the openly hostile behavior. And always keep in mind that you have the support of the other teachers.
I'm betting they will eventually get tired of maintaining the shitty attitude, especially when they can see that others in the school don't share their feelings.
posted by she's not there at 9:59 AM on March 5, 2018
As already mentioned, bring a comrade/witness whenever possible, since their presence should help curb the openly hostile behavior. And always keep in mind that you have the support of the other teachers.
I'm betting they will eventually get tired of maintaining the shitty attitude, especially when they can see that others in the school don't share their feelings.
posted by she's not there at 9:59 AM on March 5, 2018
to protect me from being subjected to any further physical violence.
Oh dear, I am so sorry for you. My ex would also happily abuse me verbally or physically in public when he felt he could get away with it.
posted by mumimor at 10:00 AM on March 5, 2018
Oh dear, I am so sorry for you. My ex would also happily abuse me verbally or physically in public when he felt he could get away with it.
posted by mumimor at 10:00 AM on March 5, 2018
Just read your update, which makes my comment inappropriate.
Physical violence at school??
posted by she's not there at 10:01 AM on March 5, 2018
Physical violence at school??
posted by she's not there at 10:01 AM on March 5, 2018
My husband called me a whore and punched me in the side at a school picnic, in front of other parents none of us knew (I had deliberated sat myself there for protection, to no avail).
With only his allies in the room, anything could have happened.
posted by mumimor at 10:05 AM on March 5, 2018
With only his allies in the room, anything could have happened.
posted by mumimor at 10:05 AM on March 5, 2018
Yes, it was to protect both my parental rights, and to protect me from being subjected to any further physical violence.
In that case I commend you for going there at all and I also think bringing a friend or family member is the best possible way to go.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:55 AM on March 5, 2018
In that case I commend you for going there at all and I also think bringing a friend or family member is the best possible way to go.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:55 AM on March 5, 2018
" in the form of the new elementary school principal (who taught for 5 years until the former principal suddenly quit and she was given the job), the new school counselor (who used to be the school secretary for many years), and the new school secretary (who is a parent of kids at the school)."
Ugh...I read this and think, "How is this school maintaining any sort of accreditation?" Do any of those people have actual qualifications for the job they've been given? Were searches and interviews conducted? Doesn't seem like it?
I think part of a longer-term strategy, which may also make you feel a bit stronger dealing with the petty bullshit, might be to document this kind of terrible professional practice and then find ways to either report it to the board of directors for your school, report it to whatever agency or association accredits independent schools in your area, and use this information to get the leverage you need to move your kids to a better school, that values professional leadership.
Sometimes knowing in the back of your head that you are building up a dossier and every misstep on their part just goes in the book that will eventually be thrown at them can help you maintain inner calm.
posted by brookeb at 12:50 PM on March 5, 2018
Ugh...I read this and think, "How is this school maintaining any sort of accreditation?" Do any of those people have actual qualifications for the job they've been given? Were searches and interviews conducted? Doesn't seem like it?
I think part of a longer-term strategy, which may also make you feel a bit stronger dealing with the petty bullshit, might be to document this kind of terrible professional practice and then find ways to either report it to the board of directors for your school, report it to whatever agency or association accredits independent schools in your area, and use this information to get the leverage you need to move your kids to a better school, that values professional leadership.
Sometimes knowing in the back of your head that you are building up a dossier and every misstep on their part just goes in the book that will eventually be thrown at them can help you maintain inner calm.
posted by brookeb at 12:50 PM on March 5, 2018
it sounds like you may have buried the lede here. Are you in physical danger at this school, is that why doors and sign-in procedures matter? Because if so, that seems like a whole different question and a whole different set of assumptions to start with.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:04 PM on March 5, 2018
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:04 PM on March 5, 2018
This is maybe not possible in your circumstances but can you take a xanax for this? Because it sounds like a ptsd experience directly. Or a beta blocker might help for the anxiety, ask your therapist or GP.
I've also found getting a giant sugary frappuccino drink, wearing nice clothes, killer lipstick and basically channelling Nancy from Weeds in her suburban dark-edged mom glory helps keep me simmering along on a sugar-fuelled high through encounters with my ex's cronies where I remember my life is much better and they are chose an abusive asshole who will turn on them someday.
All the other solutions are very practical, and you need a new school eventually, but approaching this as theatre is a great way to distance yourself emotionally.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:54 PM on March 5, 2018
I've also found getting a giant sugary frappuccino drink, wearing nice clothes, killer lipstick and basically channelling Nancy from Weeds in her suburban dark-edged mom glory helps keep me simmering along on a sugar-fuelled high through encounters with my ex's cronies where I remember my life is much better and they are chose an abusive asshole who will turn on them someday.
All the other solutions are very practical, and you need a new school eventually, but approaching this as theatre is a great way to distance yourself emotionally.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:54 PM on March 5, 2018
Those poor saps. Think about how they are being suckered and used, and a lot of your anxiety will transform into compassion.
There was a time when you were taken in by the narcissist, when he charmed you and made you feel special and perhaps criticized others from his past or who might have clued you in about him. And then he turned on you.
So now he is charming these people who think he cares about them, with dinners and babysitting gigs. But true to his pattern, he is just using them to get to you. In time, when they no longer serve his purpose - or worse, challenge/defy him - they will see the gaslighting and reputation smearing from a more personal angle.
Pity is your friend.
posted by headnsouth at 2:49 AM on March 6, 2018
There was a time when you were taken in by the narcissist, when he charmed you and made you feel special and perhaps criticized others from his past or who might have clued you in about him. And then he turned on you.
So now he is charming these people who think he cares about them, with dinners and babysitting gigs. But true to his pattern, he is just using them to get to you. In time, when they no longer serve his purpose - or worse, challenge/defy him - they will see the gaslighting and reputation smearing from a more personal angle.
Pity is your friend.
posted by headnsouth at 2:49 AM on March 6, 2018
it sounds like you may have buried the lede here. Are you in physical danger at this school, is that why doors and sign-in procedures matter? Because if so, that seems like a whole different question and a whole different set of assumptions to start with.
I, like the majority of women and girls on the planet, am in physical danger at school, in my home, at my place of work, out in public, and practically everywhere on earth. It’s called “rape culture.” My most likely repeat attacker is known to me, and I have sought legal remedies, which are currently in place. The doors and sign-in procedure are about keeping the students safe, however, the lack of communication about the policy to the staff and parents, and the selective enforcement of the policy is about the principal’s need to exert control over the school environment.
posted by edithkeeler at 6:20 AM on March 6, 2018
I, like the majority of women and girls on the planet, am in physical danger at school, in my home, at my place of work, out in public, and practically everywhere on earth. It’s called “rape culture.” My most likely repeat attacker is known to me, and I have sought legal remedies, which are currently in place. The doors and sign-in procedure are about keeping the students safe, however, the lack of communication about the policy to the staff and parents, and the selective enforcement of the policy is about the principal’s need to exert control over the school environment.
posted by edithkeeler at 6:20 AM on March 6, 2018
I'm late to the game, but my favorite response to bitchy emails and text messages is to just reply back with "ok". Nothing more, usually not even caps, just "ok". IT tends to drive those kinds of people up a wall because it doesn't give them anything to read into (even politeness they could see as fake). It's just like a read receipt so they know you saw the message.
posted by WeekendJen at 10:14 AM on March 8, 2018
posted by WeekendJen at 10:14 AM on March 8, 2018
Arghhh. I wrote, yikes, too much...?
Firstly, you are so much better than they. You are so strong. You showed the court (and him) irrepressible tenacity...
YOU ARE ABSOULUTELY being bullied. These immature "professionals" judging you as a mother, their best game is to act just as passive agressive as that... (I can't post his adequate identifier here.) Wooed by the narcissist who was already deemed the lesser parent at providing an environment serving your children's BEST INTEREST.
yet, it still hurts though. Well, I imagine I am barely touching the extent of your angst, in so few words.
What is THE WORST is it absolutely effects the kids. It's in the air, the energy? I hate what any parent goes through to protect their babies. For lack of a better word, the whole JOKE, the poor excuse of the lesser parent's facade as that same protector, nurturer. Please.
Oh but it is so hard. I do know you are BETTER, emotionally/psychologically more mature and hands down have endured more than such people could handle for a couple of months....(throwing a timeframe out there)!!!
I got chills reading this our stories are SO similar. You are my hero for wining in court, I imagine it was... well there probably aren't words. Merciless.
I know I wasn't as strong. Not my baseline prior.... anxiety of every so said "flaw", debilitating for me, so I feel like you held TREMENDOUS fortitude. Heck, I KNOW you have... no "feel like" about it.
( BTW; I am over self-shaming for my inactions. I will come out ahead of the covert narc... am, just will be visible once again.)
You so have the armor!!! Ugh, it's the energy to put it on. I am guessing, hard to channel? Neverending. His stupid campaign ongoing... stupid monkeys.
Just look at them and know that they have to be lacking in several areas to act so. What kind of children are they raising... know yours are raised better thanks to you!
I know I sound judgmental but it sounds like they have proved themselves...
posted by ptown72 at 2:25 AM on May 11, 2018
Firstly, you are so much better than they. You are so strong. You showed the court (and him) irrepressible tenacity...
YOU ARE ABSOULUTELY being bullied. These immature "professionals" judging you as a mother, their best game is to act just as passive agressive as that... (I can't post his adequate identifier here.) Wooed by the narcissist who was already deemed the lesser parent at providing an environment serving your children's BEST INTEREST.
yet, it still hurts though. Well, I imagine I am barely touching the extent of your angst, in so few words.
What is THE WORST is it absolutely effects the kids. It's in the air, the energy? I hate what any parent goes through to protect their babies. For lack of a better word, the whole JOKE, the poor excuse of the lesser parent's facade as that same protector, nurturer. Please.
Oh but it is so hard. I do know you are BETTER, emotionally/psychologically more mature and hands down have endured more than such people could handle for a couple of months....(throwing a timeframe out there)!!!
I got chills reading this our stories are SO similar. You are my hero for wining in court, I imagine it was... well there probably aren't words. Merciless.
I know I wasn't as strong. Not my baseline prior.... anxiety of every so said "flaw", debilitating for me, so I feel like you held TREMENDOUS fortitude. Heck, I KNOW you have... no "feel like" about it.
( BTW; I am over self-shaming for my inactions. I will come out ahead of the covert narc... am, just will be visible once again.)
You so have the armor!!! Ugh, it's the energy to put it on. I am guessing, hard to channel? Neverending. His stupid campaign ongoing... stupid monkeys.
Just look at them and know that they have to be lacking in several areas to act so. What kind of children are they raising... know yours are raised better thanks to you!
I know I sound judgmental but it sounds like they have proved themselves...
posted by ptown72 at 2:25 AM on May 11, 2018
er, ever need to rant or some validation, MeFi me... (I kind of went off with some ranting there)
Hang in there.
I really am sorry it involves your kids' school. They know where to strike.
posted by ptown72 at 2:31 AM on May 11, 2018
Hang in there.
I really am sorry it involves your kids' school. They know where to strike.
posted by ptown72 at 2:31 AM on May 11, 2018
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I don't mean for you to pull them into the drama, more in the hope that it will prevent the trio from starting on you if they realise you're not isolated.
posted by penguin pie at 8:50 AM on March 5, 2018