CBT for chronically late people
February 2, 2018 9:53 PM Subscribe
I prefer being late, I don't know why - are there CBT resources for people who have a preference for being late?
Help me! Not limited to CBT - think being punctual is probably better but there's just some psychological resistance to it for some reason.
Help me! Not limited to CBT - think being punctual is probably better but there's just some psychological resistance to it for some reason.
If it's true that you WANT to be late, it might help to dig into why. My guess would be that you hate the "filler" part at the beginning of anything where people arrive, mill around, greet each other, and don't get started. Even if you're just meeting one friend for a movie, the part where you stand on the sidewalk chatting or wait for the movie to start might drive you nuts.
If that's it, you could try reframing that time. I like getting places super early, being the first one there, and then having a few minutes to relax and read a book before anyone shows up. But I'm comfortable making small talk if there's one other person there--maybe that's your concern? Anyway, an option is to *arrive* places early but *walk in* right on time. I've done that, too--sitting in a parking lot because I was somewhere 15 minutes early, then walk in on the dot.
I think figuring out what resistance you're fighting will help you find a strategy that works for you.
posted by gideonfrog at 4:53 AM on February 3, 2018 [5 favorites]
If that's it, you could try reframing that time. I like getting places super early, being the first one there, and then having a few minutes to relax and read a book before anyone shows up. But I'm comfortable making small talk if there's one other person there--maybe that's your concern? Anyway, an option is to *arrive* places early but *walk in* right on time. I've done that, too--sitting in a parking lot because I was somewhere 15 minutes early, then walk in on the dot.
I think figuring out what resistance you're fighting will help you find a strategy that works for you.
posted by gideonfrog at 4:53 AM on February 3, 2018 [5 favorites]
You may want to look into Chain Analysis, which is a method of identifying vulnerabilities and precipitating factors for complex problem behaviors. It's a component of Dialectical Behavior Therapy and can be really useful when a person keeps doing something they want to stop doing, but can't figure out why they do it in the first place. Here is a good worksheet that I believe comes right from the DBT handbook - https://cls.unc.edu/files/2014/10/Behavior-Chain-Analysis-Information-1.pdf Here is an example of the same worksheet already filled out - https://cls.unc.edu/files/2016/07/Chain-analysis-example.pdf.
This technique is designed for people with difficulty regulating emotions and behaviors, so some of it may not apply to you, but I think it's a good method for tackling something like chronic lateness, especially if there is any element of anxious avoidance involved.
posted by Mrs.Spiffy at 5:37 AM on February 3, 2018 [9 favorites]
This technique is designed for people with difficulty regulating emotions and behaviors, so some of it may not apply to you, but I think it's a good method for tackling something like chronic lateness, especially if there is any element of anxious avoidance involved.
posted by Mrs.Spiffy at 5:37 AM on February 3, 2018 [9 favorites]
Agree with others that figuring out what it is you like about being late would be helpful. In my own life, I too have often preferred to be late rather than early, because being early feels like wasted time. Like, if I'm early for an appointment, now I have to sit there for ten extra minutes waiting. In my case, it hasn't been that I wanted to be late, just that I didn't want to be early. Being right on time is what I really want, but of course this is often hard to pull off (with the vagaries of public transportation and traffic), so you're apt to be early or late much of the time in life.
I started to become acutely aware of how much suffering being late caused me. This has helped. Running late for an appointment would (and still can) lead to waves of anxiety. Running late to meet a friend would usher in thoughts of self-criticism about how awful it is to make someone else wait. So maybe another step would be to start paying attention to how you feel when you're running late. If you find that you feel bad, this could provide some clear incentive to change.
Then you could also look into some books on this issue, which might help.
posted by swheatie at 7:50 AM on February 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
I started to become acutely aware of how much suffering being late caused me. This has helped. Running late for an appointment would (and still can) lead to waves of anxiety. Running late to meet a friend would usher in thoughts of self-criticism about how awful it is to make someone else wait. So maybe another step would be to start paying attention to how you feel when you're running late. If you find that you feel bad, this could provide some clear incentive to change.
Then you could also look into some books on this issue, which might help.
posted by swheatie at 7:50 AM on February 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm late all the time because I hate to transition from play to work of any kind, including travel. Stop doing whatever timepassing fun thing and go travel to some destination? Naw, why would I ever? The travel is less fun than the thing I'm doing right now, so no thanks, I'll go at the last possible second, or fifteen minutes after the last possible second, unless my boss is going to be there or my loan officer or whatever. This applies even when I'm going to a thing that will be much more fun than the thing I'm doing: it's still less fun to travel to the new very fun thing than I'm currently having doing whatever dumb thing, so no, thanks, I'll keep sitting here. My entire being is devoted to trying to pack in the most fun possible, but my default methodology for this, namely refusing to ever stop doing something even mildly gratifying, is very inefficient, and I end up having much less fun overall if I do nothing to resist this tendency. What helps most in my effort to resist being an idiotic barnacle is that I tried it a few times (not on purpose, of course, just chanced into it) and I can confirm that being on time or early feels GREAT compared to being late.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:11 AM on February 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 9:11 AM on February 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have social phobias and ADD, so being on time is a massive effort. It has nothing to do with any power games. I know it can be done because I am on time for weddings, funerals, important events. These books have been recommended to me - Never Be Late Again: 7 Cures for the Punctually Challenged and also The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play.
One suggestion from Ask.Me that helped me get to my last job on time was Practice. Practice getting out of bed when the alarm goes off by setting the alarm for 3 minutes from now, and getting out of bed. Practice getting up, dressed, washed, making coffee, breakfast, packing lunch, and leaving. time each component. This helped me identify that I was fine at getting coffee, dressed, washed, but I seriously underestimated the time it takes to feed and let the dog out, do house tasks, and get out the door. You develop habits by doing them, so practice even when you don't have somewhere to be. It feels goofy, but it is effective, and as long as you are dressed and in the car, go get some coffee or other reward to reward yourself and reinforce the habit.
posted by theora55 at 11:19 AM on February 3, 2018 [7 favorites]
One suggestion from Ask.Me that helped me get to my last job on time was Practice. Practice getting out of bed when the alarm goes off by setting the alarm for 3 minutes from now, and getting out of bed. Practice getting up, dressed, washed, making coffee, breakfast, packing lunch, and leaving. time each component. This helped me identify that I was fine at getting coffee, dressed, washed, but I seriously underestimated the time it takes to feed and let the dog out, do house tasks, and get out the door. You develop habits by doing them, so practice even when you don't have somewhere to be. It feels goofy, but it is effective, and as long as you are dressed and in the car, go get some coffee or other reward to reward yourself and reinforce the habit.
posted by theora55 at 11:19 AM on February 3, 2018 [7 favorites]
I also recommend the book Never Be Late Again. It really helps you drill down into *why* you're late, and gives you strategies based on that reason.
posted by radioamy at 6:06 PM on February 3, 2018
posted by radioamy at 6:06 PM on February 3, 2018
I too learned to remind myself of how bad* the stress of lateness feels, and how much more I'll enjoy the journey if i give myself enough time. Focusing on the positive was more successful: I'd picture the journey and being on time as feeling nice, then quickly compare that to a stressed journey.
* I say lateness feels bad, but there is also adrenaline or excitement in the rush that night be part of the compulsion, so you might see whether that's actually a positive for you.
I too had to learn how long things take. For awhile I reminded myself like a mantra that "getting off the couch is not the same as leaving." Even when fully dressed, it takes time to find my wallet and keys, put on shoes, decide to put on a jacket, maybe give my hair a quick comb.
I realized that when deciding whether or not to leave, I couldn't estimate correctly, but if I asked the question in a different way, e.g., "if I got up now, what time would I get there?" or even "to get there by 4, what time should I leave? okay, and to leave by then, what time should I start getting ready?" I could accurately estimate the time things took. Once I figured that out, I could just say "I need to start getting ready at 3:10."
Also, listening to podcasts while getting ready and traveling keeps me from feeling like I'm leaving behind something interesting (an exciting book) for the sheer boredom of staring out the windshield.
posted by salvia at 12:08 AM on February 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
* I say lateness feels bad, but there is also adrenaline or excitement in the rush that night be part of the compulsion, so you might see whether that's actually a positive for you.
I too had to learn how long things take. For awhile I reminded myself like a mantra that "getting off the couch is not the same as leaving." Even when fully dressed, it takes time to find my wallet and keys, put on shoes, decide to put on a jacket, maybe give my hair a quick comb.
I realized that when deciding whether or not to leave, I couldn't estimate correctly, but if I asked the question in a different way, e.g., "if I got up now, what time would I get there?" or even "to get there by 4, what time should I leave? okay, and to leave by then, what time should I start getting ready?" I could accurately estimate the time things took. Once I figured that out, I could just say "I need to start getting ready at 3:10."
Also, listening to podcasts while getting ready and traveling keeps me from feeling like I'm leaving behind something interesting (an exciting book) for the sheer boredom of staring out the windshield.
posted by salvia at 12:08 AM on February 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Hope I'm not totally off-base here — I'm just speculating about what you might mean by "psychological resistance." Anyway, executive dysfunction might be worth looking into, to see if that sounds anything like you? It interferes with planning and organizational functions, as well as your ability to process time. (It's associated with ADHD, but also other conditions, and I kind of speculate that some people just have worse executive function and it's not diagnosable as anything.) If your lateness has to do with executive dysfunction, all the reframing/CBT in the world probably won't help, but strategies specifically focused on making up for deficits in executive function definitely can.
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 11:57 PM on February 2, 2018 [7 favorites]