Finding a long term effective therapist for a first timer?
June 4, 2014 2:17 PM Subscribe
Looking for advice on finding a suitable therapist for some issues I'm having and just for a long term self improvement. I have been putting it off, but finally am at a space where I'm ready to find a good long term therapist. About a year ago I met with a therapist a few times but we didn't "click" plus I couldn't afford it at the time.
Things I want to work on:
Dearest HiveMind,
Things I want to work on:
* Drastically reducing computer time. Internet use is a huge time sink for me. I just cannot pace myself or control myself having unlimited online access. A few years ago I avoided having internet installed in my house, only going to the library to gain access for work related stuff and emails. That worked exceptionally well for me, I was very productive, read a bunch of books and started to write again, but now living with a partner, not having the internet is not an option. I cling to my old dumb phone, because I know that with a smart phone I'll be glued to it 24/7. Now I know that for the bulk of folks, "Internet Addiction" is a joke, but for me its a major issue and an extremely counterproductive force in my life. I wake up at 6am, browse online up until 8am, then coming back from work, go online from 5pm till 11pm. It is mostly mindless news/computer game type of information
* When I feel alone and lonely I have a strong urge to change the way I feel via masturbation, alcohol or pot. I stopped the 420, drastically cut down the booze but still feel restless when left alone in the evening. I am not able to channel that into reading or exerscing.
* I find it real hard to make and keep friends. I am able to make shallow friendships but lack the tools to make the transition to make connections of substance. I tried to force a social calendar but failed to stick to it. I have a really skewed and false beliefs of who is "worthy" to be my friend, in terms of aspirations, intelligence and looks. I guess this stems from insecurity or some kind of protection mechanism of my social handicap. After living in my town for around 5 years, I have perhaps one good friend and 2-3 shallow friends.
* I tend to swing between extremes, complete abstinence and then over the top indulgence. Keeping in the straight middle is pretty hard for me. For example, with booze, its either not drink anything for months and then get really drunk one night. With pot, being completely clean and the getting some and smoking every day 4 times a day until I run out. I reduce my interactions with people who smoke because I lack the willpower to resist their offers. Same with masturbation, not doing it for weeks and then doing it 4 times a day for a number of days. Same with coffee, not drinking for weeks and then binging on triple shots drinks and energy drinks multiple times a day until I crash and wean myself off.
* I have my own business, with a few workers, and feel like I am self limiting myself and at 10% capacity of what it could be. I know what needs to be done, and how to do it, but just end up procrastinating online, as long as I can and just keep the bare minimum to keep the lights on. I have all the books related to my field but can't force myself to read them. I could probably triple our business in a year but end up pissing my time online reading about computer games.
You are not my therapist, but do you have any words of wisdom/observations about any of my problems? What kind of therapist I should look for? CBT? I am in the central Texas area, if someone has a good therapist recommendation. How do you look for one? After how many sessions you know you are a good fit or bad fit and need to find a better match? How many therapists did you go through before you found one that worked for you? Most therapists in our area charge around $100 per hour (I have no health insurance). How many hours/meetings a month do you recommend for a long term plan?
Thank you so much for your time,
Dearest HiveMind,
Things I want to work on:
* Drastically reducing computer time. Internet use is a huge time sink for me. I just cannot pace myself or control myself having unlimited online access. A few years ago I avoided having internet installed in my house, only going to the library to gain access for work related stuff and emails. That worked exceptionally well for me, I was very productive, read a bunch of books and started to write again, but now living with a partner, not having the internet is not an option. I cling to my old dumb phone, because I know that with a smart phone I'll be glued to it 24/7. Now I know that for the bulk of folks, "Internet Addiction" is a joke, but for me its a major issue and an extremely counterproductive force in my life. I wake up at 6am, browse online up until 8am, then coming back from work, go online from 5pm till 11pm. It is mostly mindless news/computer game type of information
* When I feel alone and lonely I have a strong urge to change the way I feel via masturbation, alcohol or pot. I stopped the 420, drastically cut down the booze but still feel restless when left alone in the evening. I am not able to channel that into reading or exerscing.
* I find it real hard to make and keep friends. I am able to make shallow friendships but lack the tools to make the transition to make connections of substance. I tried to force a social calendar but failed to stick to it. I have a really skewed and false beliefs of who is "worthy" to be my friend, in terms of aspirations, intelligence and looks. I guess this stems from insecurity or some kind of protection mechanism of my social handicap. After living in my town for around 5 years, I have perhaps one good friend and 2-3 shallow friends.
* I tend to swing between extremes, complete abstinence and then over the top indulgence. Keeping in the straight middle is pretty hard for me. For example, with booze, its either not drink anything for months and then get really drunk one night. With pot, being completely clean and the getting some and smoking every day 4 times a day until I run out. I reduce my interactions with people who smoke because I lack the willpower to resist their offers. Same with masturbation, not doing it for weeks and then doing it 4 times a day for a number of days. Same with coffee, not drinking for weeks and then binging on triple shots drinks and energy drinks multiple times a day until I crash and wean myself off.
* I have my own business, with a few workers, and feel like I am self limiting myself and at 10% capacity of what it could be. I know what needs to be done, and how to do it, but just end up procrastinating online, as long as I can and just keep the bare minimum to keep the lights on. I have all the books related to my field but can't force myself to read them. I could probably triple our business in a year but end up pissing my time online reading about computer games.
You are not my therapist, but do you have any words of wisdom/observations about any of my problems? What kind of therapist I should look for? CBT? I am in the central Texas area, if someone has a good therapist recommendation. How do you look for one? After how many sessions you know you are a good fit or bad fit and need to find a better match? How many therapists did you go through before you found one that worked for you? Most therapists in our area charge around $100 per hour (I have no health insurance). How many hours/meetings a month do you recommend for a long term plan?
Thank you so much for your time,
Seconding after the first session. Finding a therapist is like dating... you might have to go out with a couple therapists to find the right fit. And I've found that like on first dates, it either feels right or it doesn't. But definitely know that if your therapist isn't doing it for you -- break up with them and find someone new!
posted by custard heart at 2:41 PM on June 4, 2014
posted by custard heart at 2:41 PM on June 4, 2014
I'm also in Central Texas and just started therapy recently. Before I started, I basically imagined a person in my mind with whom I would be comfortable, and looked on Psychology Today (as recommended above) until a photo seemed similar to the person I had imagined. Can't judge all on looks, but I think it's a start for finding someone you're comfortable with.
Many offer free consultations just to see if you're a good match. If money is an issue, you should ask if they offer a sliding scale.
I think it's good to explore CBT because it addresses behavioral changes and introduces active ways to change your negative thoughts. It helps with moving forward. While I'm not big on over-analyzing childhood and dwelling on the past, I think it is important to cover at least a bit of the background and root of problems, similar to not just curing the symptoms but finding the cause of illness. My therapist has an eclectic approach (pulls from various methods). Per my interest in CBT, she has placed an emphasis on that approach but our sessions are not exclusively that.
You could also read a CBT book on the side to supplement therapy sessions that cover more ground.
posted by monologish at 3:03 PM on June 4, 2014
Many offer free consultations just to see if you're a good match. If money is an issue, you should ask if they offer a sliding scale.
I think it's good to explore CBT because it addresses behavioral changes and introduces active ways to change your negative thoughts. It helps with moving forward. While I'm not big on over-analyzing childhood and dwelling on the past, I think it is important to cover at least a bit of the background and root of problems, similar to not just curing the symptoms but finding the cause of illness. My therapist has an eclectic approach (pulls from various methods). Per my interest in CBT, she has placed an emphasis on that approach but our sessions are not exclusively that.
You could also read a CBT book on the side to supplement therapy sessions that cover more ground.
posted by monologish at 3:03 PM on June 4, 2014
It sounds like looking for a therapist who likes working with clients with addictions and anxiety would be a good start for you. Your therapist should be the one giving recommendations for frequency and duration of sessions, but I would guess that three to six months of once-a-week sessions would start to make a big dent in your issues. (In therapy terms, six months and under is generally considered "short term." People can and do come for less time than that, but that's a good starting estimate for "Getting back on track without necessarily getting into all my long-standing problems stemming from my childhood.") The more you practice what you talk about in sessions outside of sessions (even without your therapist assigning "homework" -- just really looking to apply what you're learning), the faster change will come and the more progress you'll make. As ldthomps said, seeing a therapist less than once a week, especially when you're just starting out, tends to create much slower change -- there's a reason that weekly sessions are pretty standard.
If you're near a university that has a therapist training program (LCSW, psychologists, MFTs), you might see if they offer a clinic where you can work with grad students under the supervision of licensed therapists. I'd google "[local university] therapy clinic" to search for that. It's likely to be much much much cheaper than a licensed therapist, and it might be a good way to start chipping away at your problems without going broke.
posted by jaguar at 7:41 PM on June 4, 2014
If you're near a university that has a therapist training program (LCSW, psychologists, MFTs), you might see if they offer a clinic where you can work with grad students under the supervision of licensed therapists. I'd google "[local university] therapy clinic" to search for that. It's likely to be much much much cheaper than a licensed therapist, and it might be a good way to start chipping away at your problems without going broke.
posted by jaguar at 7:41 PM on June 4, 2014
Here's a comment about finding a therapist and figuring out how to get the most from therapy. It is agnostic as to the type of therapy, since all work equally well.
posted by JohnLewis at 5:17 AM on June 5, 2014
posted by JohnLewis at 5:17 AM on June 5, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
Words of wisdom: a lot of this sounds like anxiety and depression, especially the procrastination and trying to numb your feelings with pot, etc.
The kind of therapist isn't as crucial as their being a good fit for you. Askme loves CBT, I found a more eclectic practitioner really helpful. Look for therapists through Psychology Today's Therapist Finder. Call or email people who look promising and let them know you're looking for help with issues around depression/anxiety/internet use, and ask if they're taking new clients and would be willing to chat. They'll often do a brief phone call or initial session to help you both figure out if you're a good fit.
I knew after one session that my first therapist was a bad fit. I knew after one session that my second attempt was on the money. Trust your gut. And go you for seeking therapy, I found it Immensely helpful with some of the sorts of things you're interested in improving.
posted by ldthomps at 2:26 PM on June 4, 2014